I think I finally understand what it means when people say, that the beauty is always there, around you, but it is only up to you, whether you realize it, or pass by it, absorbed too much in your thoughts, worries, doubts, or just general dwelling about your fate, about life. Not sure if I'll be able to give back the experience by words, but as always, I shall give it a try.
Since Friday I feel like I'm walking on the clouds..for some reason the world has decided to grant me access to its different dimension..or maybe it was just the angels..universe getting sick of my blindness and they made a pact with every element in order to force me opening my eyes. What I suspect...or what I can conclude of all this conspiracy of the universe is that I've been shown, how big of a difference it makes when one feels loved, truly loved.
Now the question might arise: "Have I not felt loved before?" It wouldn't be true..as my family and friends around me always reassured me of their love towards me..but after certain examples of disappointment in the past I must admit I started to loose my hope...I started to loose my faith in humans..and human relations. I felt like selfishness, the love of ourselves is so powerful, that it can even change people..make them do things they don't really want...it can turn them inside out...it can have a much louder voice then the voices of the heart, and may make people think and act in such way that does not comply with their hearts' true desire...that they might even regret later on (and I'm actually not only talking about people in general, but mainly about myself as well, as I have driver several serious battles amongst my own heart lately)...of course in a way these all need to be done in order to help people learn, but I started to think, this whole life is only, and only about learning...and maybe I am wrong to think that there should be much more "space" left for love and joy.
But! This past week this above mentioned fear of mine was overriden by the love of 3 magnificent people, who happened to even prove their love towards me by a hug. In my mind's calendar therefore this day has been highlighted with red, and has been given the name of "the day of 3 hugs".
What was so special about Friday? Well...I woke up, got dressed picked up my backpack and went to the nearby bakery. I have bought some delicious croissants, and breadrolls and cheese, and some sausages. After hiding them in my backpack I headed to the bank of the river Danube with a smile on my face. I was smiling, because I was about to have a picnic with a friend of mine, who unfortunately does not live in my country, and as such, I don't get to see him often. We walked a bit, then sat down, talked, enjoyed the juicy tomatoes :) and all the rest that my magic backpack had to offer. The sun was shining, the river's surface was combed by the constantly blowing spring wind. It was just the perfect way of starting the day! After the dinner my friend walked me to the subway station, and I headed to work..but :) I did not have to wait too much for life's next gift for me, I had the honour of spending even lunch with this friend! His company has such an energising effect on me, I love to talk with him, he makes me smile, and most importantly, he seems to understand me...but truly..even deep down...which is..in fact rare...The breakfast & lunch with him, made me so happy, I could hardly concentrate on work afterwards, because a mixed feeling of sadness that he had to leave, and a joy stemming from appreciation that I could be with him was just whirling in me, pushing me from positive to negative infinity. I thought I have already lost this ability of mine, to be going up and down so much on the scales of feelings, as I knew from the past that it does not bring much good, if I expose myself to my feelings, but this time I could not help it...my brain decided to go on vacation, and I could not order him to come back, no matter how much "overtime payment" I was offering him. Mr. X really has an almost worrying influence on me!
After work I was invited to a little party, that my colleagues/friends were organizing. As there was no point in going home, I headed to the pub right after work, with my friend. We were the first ones to arrive, therefore had plenty of time to enjoy the God's nectar, called Staropramen. I think I was getting into a bit too intimate relation with this beer, and felt like I want more and more of it. Maybe that was my way of trying to make up for the emptiness that was left in my soul after my friend Mr. X has said me goodbye...not sure...after about an hour, friends started to arrive and our spirits decided to let all the steam off, and just enjoy what the night has to offer. I was feeling relieved, did not have to think much about when or how I will get home, as a friend of mine, Mr. Y promised, he'd take me home...however, at one point I received a message, that this promise was not to be taken seriously as he won't come....yeah...it shocked me somewhat, and for a while, I was just sitting numb on the sofa, feeling like it is high time to change from beer to something stronger...I was feeling disappointed, and sad, though the magical moments of the morning and the lunch have still served as good reserves, and I managed to step over this little discomfort originating from the bases of my trust being shaken by a false promise. But I'm telling you, miracles do exits...a couple hour later Mr. Y showed up, (lucky for him, if he intends to be my friend) and I welcomed him with a great smile..my inner storms disappeared, and in the surface of my soul's crystal clear lake was calm and silky again. Mr. Y is a great man, and now I know, that I may really count on him...and it's so comforting! Especially for me..who tends to be sensitive regarding the trust topic lately and needs much time to be convinced that I can really count on someone. Mr. Y was patient, did not push me..did not rush me...he just waited for me so that he could take me home afterwards. At around 2:30 I finally had pity on him, and decided to leave. We spiced up with the way home with a little walk..a strange walk indeed...we stopped by a pavement, that was bordered by a row of bushes..we got out of the car and strolled next to the bushes, checking them, hoping we might find Mr. Y's lost wallet there (he lost it a couple days ago) but we were not that lucky, so we just headed straight home. Mr. Y stayed till about 5AM, and we talked a lot...it was actually very beneficial as it managed to evapourate all the alcohol within me, and by 5, I was really feeling fresh and sober! Before going home he gifted me with a friendly hug, which meant a lot for me...did not even realize how much until afterwards....I only thought about it a day later..that lately I was spending much time alone...far away from my family and I did not receive hugs from anyone!! I realized, that I have been missing this sort of expression of love...I have been missing this physical contact...one would think it is not necessary, but I know now that for me it is necessary, more than I have thought! I bet the lack of hugs have played a major role in me feeling more "burned out" lately...I think people do need hugs...OK, maybe not everyone, but I certainly do! Lots of them!
Talking of hugs, it is high time to briefly introduce Mr. Z as well. We don't meet often, yet I consider him as a person in my life who also influences me. I cannot help it, when we meet, I am very happy, and I feel like I would like to hug him! :) He has such an air around him, that makes me feel like I can be honest with him, and more importantly, I can be myself..and by the same token, I usually cannot wait to hear from him, how his soul is doing...because so it happens, that with him, I don't often discuss superficial topics...we tend to take a plunge into the deep right away. Strange...but entertaining! Of course I got my well deserved hug from him as well - actually, I did not give him many chances...or time even...the minute he could have started to refuse (if he wanted to) I have already had my hands wrapped around his neck! I know...demanding and agressive? I am!
I felt the need of writing all this down, because...because I love them, and also because these 3 men taught me something really important. That regardless of the fact that they all have their own lives, I feel that we are connected, and that our souls in fact rejoice when we are in each others' company. Certainly they energize me, they open new horizons for me..they provide me hope, they gave me back my faith in love and humankind. I owe them a lot, not sure, if I'll ever be able to repay them all the kindness and affection I have received from them. Hopefully they also know, that they can always count on me, and hopefully they don't know that I envy the women who'll be the love of their lives :DDD
Thanks to these men..thanks to their huge heart, I was walking on clouds today when I went outside to enjoy the sun...I could not stop smiling and letting the sunrays caress my face..I did not pay attention to the traffic around me...all I felt was the spring breeze playing with my hair and the feeling of being "treasured" and loved running through my veins...the sweet fragrance of being cared for stupefied me, and I am not even sure how I got home, because I could certainly not feel my feet on the ground (come to think of it, it is much stronger than alcohol! all people should rather use this aphrodisiac!)
I'm proud of you dears, and I am very grateful that I was given the chance to get to know you!
