Enjoy..

Enjoy the spring wind that swipes through the fields and make the grass sway..enjoy it’s gentle touch on your face as it calls out the freckles from their hideaways Enjoy the summer breeze as it dries the pearls of sweat on your forehead on a hot day.. Enjoy the autumn wind as it plays with the fallen, golden leaves along the road… Enjoy the cold winter wind that cuts through snowy rooftops desperately trying to find a way to get under your furry coat… Enjoy the sunshine as it motivates you to be adventurous, it urges you to go and explore..let it be a moorland, a forest, or just a nice pub with a garden… Enjoy the wind as it is change.. bringing with itself freshness, blowing away old things..allowing you to start something new.. Enjoy the rain as it keeps the meadows green..enjoy the light summer shower…go out and dance, let the raindrops wash away your worries, cleanse your soul and fill you with renewed energy....enjoy the autumn rain as it makes you find time for yourself whilst you get snug at home with a cup of tea.. Enjoy the winter for it creates a special atmosphere..enjoy the heat radiating from the fireplace, the smell of mulled wine, and the sound of crackling wood… Enjoy the love that surrounds you…enjoy time spent with your family and friends.. Enjoy sports..enjoy walking…enjoy driving through the beautiful countryside…enjoy traveling Enjoy the smells…of a delicious dinner…of a nice cup of coffee…of a flower…of a perfume…of the crops..the hay…the steam after a heavenly shower on a hot summer day… Enjoy reading…enjoy learning…enjoy working…enjoy the challenges…enjoy your successes and don’t let your “failures” let you down..for those are not failures, but lessons from life that will make you stronger, wiser…better… Enjoy dancing…enjoy singing…enjoy watching a movie.. Enjoy being with people, and enjoy being alone…for you are never really alone, and yet always alone Enjoy the fog for it wraps the world in mystery… Enjoy the music for it makes the soul celebrate and your heart dance… Enjoy the night…the stars…the moon…your dreams.. Enjoy the mountains, the valleys, the plateaus, the hills, the deserts… There are so many things to enjoy…and yet it’s so easy for people to dwell on things they are not satisfied with, and be miserable instead (I’m no exception, however at least trying)…but the thing is…satisfaction does not depend on anything else, but us… one can look for it everywhere, but it can only be found within ourselves..If one wants to find joy, one will….it’s only a matter of choice…

Scents...

The older I grow, the more I contemplate about the events of my life..it’s not to say that I’m living in the past, but when I have a bit of time, I like to think about all the things, moments I’ve lived through, places I’ve been to, and people I’ve met… and I can’t help it, but I often wonder, if it’s possible to remember everything. I’m inclined to think that everything that’s happened to me, every page I read, every conversation I had, every eye contact I’ve made with strangers…even those moments that seemed insignificant at the time, must be stored somewhere in the labyrinth of my brain, I just can’t access it…can’t recall it…and exactly for this reason, I became doubtful, whether my memory really clings on to these moments. But today I’ve discovered something in connection to the above…I’ve realized how important scents are for me..how certain scents automatically draw an image linked to a memory of mine from the depths of my brain…memories that I’ve thought have long disappeared in the abyss.. I’m not sure how it all came about, but today, after a nice lie in, I was walking towards town, when all the sudden a scent of an intense, sweet perfume struck me. There was no one around me, and yet for the fraction of a second I could feel that somehow familiar fragrance overwhelming my nose, and making me smile. Yes, it made me smile, because just as the scent materialised, a picture conjured up in my mind as well, right away…as if the scent and this picture belonged together, creating an atmosphere I’ve well known at one time in my life. The scent I’ve detected was identical to the scent of my mom’s perfume a few years ago. I was much younger then… thinking nothing of the world…not knowing what I want, or what the future holds….and yet I was happy. I felt secure, loved, and certain that life is a miracle. Even though this scent was attached to one particular picture (my mom coming home from shopping, stepping in to the house, and giving me a hug) it contained a whole lot more. As if that little moment was a complete universe in itself, containing all my emotions at the time, my visions, my dreams, and the whole world through my eyes. And today, reliving this moment…that special atmosphere, delivered to me on the wings of the powerful Northern wind, brought me immense joy…joy, and a bit of confusion as well. Because today is different…I see the world through more experienced eyes, and maybe I feel more insecure…maybe I feel a little bit more lonely…maybe it’s because I’m far away from my family and home…but I felt like I would have liked to travel back to that moment..that moment, which at the time seemed somewhat insignificant, yet- my heart knowing it’s value – got stored deep down within me. This experience, this unexpected meeting with a special moment of the past evoked by a scent made me dreamy and greedy at the same time. The unique nature of the encounter filled my senses, my mind and my heart and I wanted more….so I’ve started rummaging amongst my memories..in search of anything that could be linked to a certain scent..and to my biggest surprise I’ve found plenty! I’ve closed my eyes, whilst sitting on the bench next the wee fishing pond I normally visit on a Saturday, and there they were. All these scents that can’t be well described by a single word…one needs to see behind the scenes…one needs to understand the magical works of nature to be able to understand them, and feel them in their completeness. The scent of spring…one would think it’s the blooming of the flowers covering fields and forests with an enchanted, fragranced blanket…and to be fair partly it is… but for me…for me the scent of the spring is the raw, somehow moist, woody flavoured fragrance of trees…the scent that one can only detect if one is very attentive, even though the fragrance is really distinctive. It’s bound to be, because it embodies the awakening of nature…through this scent you can become part of nature’s renewal..when you let this scent you’re your lungs, you’ll be able to peek under the barks and see..but not only see…FEEL how the fluids – after a long winter – start to flow faster, carrying life in a hasted manner from the roots to the crown breathing the joy of existence to every cell within the tree. You’ll feel the freshness, the pure, intoxicating, ancient jubilation of life pulsating in and around you. You’ll feel that despite of anything that occupies your mind..you’ll feel it, because one has to react when presented with such a powerful burst of raw energy… Scents are magical tools…no one should underestimate their power…

I took the one less traveled by...

A good friend reminded me, that it's about time I've returned to the realms of writing, and through writing sharing, and creating memories which will mark certain milestones of my life, making it easy (and hopefully fun) to trace back how I've dealt with life if once I grow old.... This friend is right, it's been too long...but for my defense..I've been gathering inspiration! Yet, it may very well be, that this "episode" of the "book" will not be so descriptive in nature..but rather philosophical... Why is that? Well because I've just thrown away my old life and started something completely new...and I guess such significant changes always make one halt..and think..all the impulses of the new life, all the challenges, doubts, questions, uncertainties whirling in one's head, mixed with a hint of loneliness and instability just crave for settling down with the hope in one's heart, that at least one will be able to give a frame to the new picture that is yet still forming...day after day, new colours are being added and who knows when a capturable theme will become visible...Strange, I've always longed to be spontaneous and easy going, and when my world is upside down, I can't help it...I'm craving for some...at least some structure! My old life was really pleasant..I can't complain about it...I lived in a city I knew well, and felt comfortable in...I worked for a company that treated me right...I was surrounded by wonderful friends who brought me joy and fun, never letting me sinking into the slimey hole of boredom...I felt great, the only frustration being that time went by so quickly..I could not keep up with it. I had a lovely family, supporting me, looking after me...I'd go home every second weekend to visit them, and we'd go for long and marvellous walks, that would energize and prepare me for the coming week. I thought I've figured life out! I thought I've reached my goals, and regarding the ones that were still a way away, I felt rather sure, that by careful and attentive planning I'll manage to book them too. My days became predictable in a sense, rarely would I have to face diversions from the "usual" and if yes, I'd still be comfortable with such "alterations to the plan" as I'd know how to deal with such "anomalies". I've calmed down, and thought I knew what life has in store for me..which is strange for someone in her 30s..it would rather characterize someone in her 70s...The thing is, that somehow, I've accepted that there won't be a sudden miracle...I won't win the lottery (even though I've never really given up hope)...and I won't change my life radically...I thought my life line resembles a rather straight line, and I've grown accustomed to it...I've learned to handle it, and adjust my whole being to it. I've planned to follow the straight line, get a mortgage, buy a flat, and tie myself to my company for another 20 years. And yet, sometimes, on a starry night when the crickets would be playing their sweet music I could not help to let the little doubt force his way to the frontier of my mind...questioning me, whether I'm really doing the right thing by choosing to accept, that this is my life...the small voice would ask me, whether it's not just a form of escape, or someone giving in...But I was clever! Ohh I was...I've explained the tine squeeling voice that in case I did not like my current state of being, and did not do anything about it, it would be giving in, but since I like my current state of being, it's not giving in, it's accepting, moreover it's a happy acceptance! But then...all these articles in random newspapers and books kept crossing my way...and they were all about changes...that when the time comes one needs to be courageous and embrace the changes...because life is about changes..it's like a river flowing freely, travelling through mountains and valleys, forming everything that gets in her way...life is never fix..no one moment in life is the same, and if one is unable to react to changes...seize the opportunity hidden in them, the person is likely to get stuck and without realizing cease to really live...So I thought about it...what if an opportunity for a change came, and it impacted my life? Well..it sent shivers down my spine... Stepping out of my comfort zone, leaving everything behind that gave me stability and security, plunging in to the unknown, being reborn if you like, was not something I've fancied...and at that point I have not even mentioned the risks yet...when most of my life I've been trying hard..very hard, to avoid the risks...I thought, despite of all the wisdom of those masters and teachers going on about the significance of changes, it's still not for me...and I felt good for being able to explain myself why I'm right about detesting to take on the challenges of change..but I also felt miserable because I thought myself to be a coward, and the chance of new doors (potentially leading to a magical new world) being opened by taking on the ris tickled my mind. Something deep down was trying to convince me that when one says yes to a challenge, the Universe will be by her side, helping her, and eventually she will harvest the ripen fruits of the hard work it takes to choose the road less traveled by... Because the choice can be compared to 2 roads...Where the roads take you to, it's unknown..and that's the only common thing in them..in all other aspects they differ. One is nice and wide, straight, with flowers on each side, crossing through green fields as far as the eyes can see..it's seemingly secure and very lovely. The other one however is curvy, rocky, and after a few meters leads into a vast, stern, majestic, thick forest...Many would say, taking the risk, and choosing the forest is silly, because it's unforeseeable what threats the forest might contain...and yet I think it is worth trying...why? Because by choosing that, one is able to conquer one's own fear, and whilst tackling/overcoming the challenges of the road one will grow in faith and character and through experience will obtain the key of wisdom opening the secret doors of the Universe. I'm not saying however that the nice road is a bad option..for some it will bring satisfaction, and completion...but it won't reveal the key of wisdom...because one can only learn through mistakes..(good or bad) decisions..one can only grow if one is stimulated by challenge...and the way how one deals with challenge is the key to develop in character and get enriched by wisdom. I did not take the easy road...and I know there are and will be times when I'll regret it, like now, when I'm crossing the vast and dark forest without any indication of it ever opening to a plateau bathed in sunsine...but as long as my heart is filled with faith, hope and love I shall not surrender... I shall renew my strength, find patience and trust that I'm walking the path I meant to walk...And if not? Then at least I've tried, and I won't have to be afraid that once, when I'll choose the "easy" road I won't be able to value its beauty and will take it for granted after a few miles (when I got used to the spectacular view of flowers and lush green fields), because I'll always have the memory of a much more unpredictable road...one less traveled by.

Dreams vs reality

I probably won't be wasting my time by listing the excuses why I have not written in such a long time (not a single note this year, up until now...shame on you Dio) ...let's just say life crept up to me invisibly, yet very quickly, covering my eyes with some special glasses, altering my vision...these glasses are special because they only allow you to see your responsibilities, what you need to do, what you are expected to do..but they blindfold what you treasure doing..things that are deep within your very heart bringing you joy...... but not the kind of joy, a completed task would generate..not the happiness or contentment over achieving/accomplishing what you had to, but a more elevated, pure sense of joy coming to existence as a result of you doing something very dear to you..something that might not bring you fame, something others might not even find useful, but it sets you free still..because it's a part of you..an important piece/station on your way to your destiny.  So that's what happened..I got absorbed in the world of work, dedicating all my efforts to trying to get everything right (at least the things for which I own the responsibility) and the time.....like a leaf dropped into a fast flowing river, has gone out of sight..days were followed by days, and I often went to bed with the feeling that I had no real understanding..or a good grip of the fact, that yet another time interval has passed without me spending quality time on myself.  A vicious circle I got myself into, and it had to be Christmas to make me stop, and do a bit of summary..with myself..to identify things I could do better..or differently next year.

My time concept definitely needs rethinking..it is my relationship to time that makes me sometimes careless, when it comes to life.  I wake up, go to work, do my job, go running and then to bed.  When I feel a small tinge deep down, nudging me, asking me the question when did I take the moment to look at the world and give thanks for being a part of it; I my usual answer is that: "I'll make up for it next time/tomorrow" and it goes on..me postponing, fooling..mainly myself..not wanting to take on board the change and what might come with it.  Rather on the contrary I persuade myself that the current situation is comfortable, therefore it would be a mistake to throw it away.."I've got enough challenges at work" is often my response... but it can't be the adequate attitude, right? I mean one can only grow wiser by experience..experience whilst overcoming challenges, whilst opening ourselves to new aspects of the world and everything that comes with it..new people, new ideas, new places... It might sound like now though, as if I did not have a good year, given that I am focusing a lot on what needs to be changed..but that was never the intention...to make it look like I had a horrible year, and as such changes are to be embraced, immediately.  Nope..I had a wonderful year...I grew a lot...have seen a lot, and I think I am finally starting to shift from being a drifter to someone with more purpose...and for that "evolution" this year was necessary. 

I am still a dreamer...I'd still love to just take the money and time, pack up, travel to somewhere gorgeous, like Scotland or Ireland....rent a wee house by the sea..on a cliff...with a small village nearby and spend my days with kind people in the local pub...singing, drinking, having fun...enjoying life...but...by now I also know that it's an image, conjured in my mind...something I'd find joyful, but...something that would probably not work out how I imagined...and I have to confine in the beauty of life, that somehow...life would give me that sort of happiness that in my dreams I associated with the cliff, the wee house, and jolly people in the pub.  Happiness after all is not something that we can hunt down...it's there in every of our acts...the potential for it is there in every moment, it's up to us to recognize it.... So here I am, in my brother's room (he is off partying) finally taking the effort and time (something I should have done long ago) to update my blog, whilst listening to Wings from Birdie, and our wee dog (daxelhund named Berti) is calmly sleeping next to me, on the sofa with his "friend" a miniature plush dog :) He is the cutest creature in this very moment, and watching him sleep, seeing his little body go up and down as he is breathing calmly gives me such pleasure that is difficult to compare for one thing, but a kind of joy that probably not even the fact of being in Scotland now could give.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that my mission for the future is, to try and find joy in whatever I am doing...and it can be very mundane...everyday things really... it does not matter...as long as I feel that I'm alive, that there is a reason for my existence...that by every minute spent here on this Earth I'm learning, I'm getting richer with regards to experience and possibly wisdom...that every minute I'm here I have the chance to show, share and get love...and that is in itself a miracle....I think I can finally understand the importance of always being conscious when it comes to life, and time itself, because it's so easy to loose track...to forget about ourselves, and get lost in the maze of routine...depriving us the opportunity to recognize the little miracles within ever day.  But if one has the spirit and is determined, one should be able to tear him/herself out of that maze and take his/her life to his/her hands.

Maybe slowly I'm starting to get closer to the fine balance in between dreams and reality...maybe I suffered too much about dreams only existing in my own world, and reality being always different from them...and maybe last year I let my dreams fade away and I grew to be more of a realist...only complying with my responsibilities, and what my body needed (sport) but not focusing too much on my soul (yet the combination of hard work and regular sporting still gave me a certain level of confidence in myself, topped with extra energy)....ao maybe next year I'll finally manage to go with the combination of the two...allowing my dreams to flow freely, but at the same time enjoying reality.... a mission worth trying....

Autumn's farewell....

To have inspiration is good...to have friends believing in you...reminding you, that inspiration is there (when you already gave up searching for it)urging you, telling you that you just need to take a deep breath, dive down to the bottom of the lake of your dreams, imagination, desires & emotions and bring it up...well it's even better...it's of indescribable value..so you need to take care of it...appreciate it...how? By sitting down, even if without knowing what to write...you just sit down, and let your thoughts fly...let them free to wonder...to visit yet undiscovered lands, to glide, transform, melt into each other...to gallop like wild horses, with waving manes, on the field of dreams, where anything can happen...what you capture of their racing, hurriedly trying to pour it into words, does not need to be consistent...does not need to be coherent...they can jufst reflect the freedom of those dashing wild horses...

Winter has arrived...it took over so abruptly, autumn did not even have the time for saying goodbye properly...he left...vanished out of sight hurriedly, without packing...without taking all his harvested belongings...yellow leaves orphaned on the skeletons of soaked trees...apples laying helplessly under the memory of a once protective, emerald green foliage....he came, frivolous, handsome, cheerful young man, asked the noble lady of summer for a dance.....a dance that changed the world around, about and inside them...whilst they were elegantly flowing across forests and fields, green turned gold, orange, red and brown....young seeds matured into fruits....birds gathered their young ones, strengthened by the prodigality of sweet june and july, and moved to a land where the sun always shines... squirrels filled up their storage with nuts, having prepared for the long, cold days ahead... fog followed, enshrouding the land in a thick, fluffy blanket..leaves started swirling as the gentle breeze, generated by the rustling of summer's dress picked them up, and carried them away...imprints of the richness summer brought...witnesses of a passionate dance....bearers and nurturers of the new life, waking up from a prolonged sleep, when the fresh, rosy faced fairy, Spring, calls upon them....But now...now the dance is over...the miracle of repainting the world has been finished...he left...grabbed his hat, took a meaningful glimpse at his work, and with a content and cunning, boyish smile has gone away...somewhere, where he can do more magic...where he can continue his art of making humans realize and start appreciating the colours......handing us...our world over to the merciful hands of a frozen beauty, winter....Her first spells the watchful ones could detect today....when the cold raindrops suddenly, as if touched by a magic wand transformed into white crystals...solidified teardrops of alonely lady....a lady grieving over the trembling little creatures, looking for refuge in the cold she brought upon them......she knows... she knows she can't help it...it's her fate...everything she touches, turns into ice...her breath is cold north wind.....her eyes gleam with the whitish, metallic light of the north star.....the only way to save...to protect the ones she holds dear...the little seeds hiding under the shielding arms of Mother Earth.....the only way to keep them cozy and secured from the sharp, frosty claws of freezing cold is to pull gently upon them a thick, soft blanket of snow....her frozen tears....so she cries...cries for loving, but not being able to share her love, for not being able to let anyone close...for not knowing how to tell the world, that under the icy surface there's a fervently beating heart....

Winter is finally here....and I do rejoice upon her arrival....

in my dreams...

I thought the holidays supposed to fill the people with renewed energy...and maybe it is really so in most people's case...just not in mine...I was hoping I'll go to work today, if not even with a huge smile on my face, at least content, balanced, ready to face challenges, buuuut it did not happen...I woke up, had my usual cup of coffee roamed around in the flat a few times searching for my entry card, then monthly pass, only to realize that it has expired, which meant that I needed to go and get a new one, as opposed to just hopping on the bus and going to work. The extra time I needed to get to work today was even more prolonged, because the ticket office nearby was closed, however they ensured that the poor passengers would have the option to buy ticket/pass by making a man stand in front of the ticket office, selling tickets...but as you can imagine there was a queue as the unlucky salesman was not that emm..experienced...sooo I can confirm it was a very flawless and fresh start of the beloved Monday morning.

The time spent in the office was fine, colleagues wondering about my holiday, me colorfully describing them the story of the crazy woman in St. Andrews who I was sure is going to attack me at one point, or the fire alarm going off in the hostel where we slept, resulting in a bunch of people hurriedly being evacuated from all 10 floors...most of them ending up standing in their pyjamas along the congested road next to the river Clyde in Glasgow.  Luckily enough for me, I managed to have some soup for lunch, which I was craving for as I did not help myself to any of that very delicious and for me essential sort of nourishment during the past week...so seemingly everything was all right, and yet my mood was slowly slipping into a catatonic stage...I was trying...I really was..recalled memories of my trip's highlights, let my thoughts ramble on..taking several diversions towards the merry festivities of the coming Christmas, even ate some chocolate and yet...I did not manage to find that harmony I can proudly call my almost usual companion, and could just not quite understand why.  My nerves started to play a trick on me, they touched different strings of my soul's guitar, and in one moment it was a melody of sadness, in another a song of melancholy, only to be finished off by a hit of unexpected anger.  I could not stand a chance against my emotions, so finally I gave up..I sank deeper and deeper into the vortex generated by the sharp contrast between my dreams and reality...maybe it was all because of having returned from a trip, where my eyes could feed on the beauty of nature..on the rough, stern, barren yet sublime peaks of the Highlands, covered by a rusty coloured carpet of heather, and shyly hiding lochs, similar to the teardrops of a mighty, melancholic God whose wish was to secure the secret of the universe in the depth of those crystal clear lakes, amongst the ridges of captivating, royal, yet strong and rigorous hills, serving not only as watchman, but well trained soldiers, ready to give their very life to defend the pearls of secret should they spot a stranger driven by an adventurous soul, having set foot with the aim of stealing, or at least discovering them....

Reality was so much different...I was sitting in an office, creating reports, reading emails...far...miles away from the magical land that drew me...that wanted me...I could still hear the whisper of that cold north wind in my ears...could feel its freezing, yet gentle touch on my face that brought the roses on my cheek into life...it was luring me...calling upon me...wanting me to follow, while it danced away elegantly on the vague...haunted field of withered heather...into the wilderness...to a world that only some can see...the ones whose blood vessels go crazy upon being presented to such beauty...the ones whose heart starts pounding and feel an irresistible urge to break free and run...run where there are no rules, where there is no evil...just the laws of nature, survival, pure strength, courage and love...where everything has its on place, but not because it is said so by man made law, but because it's plainly right so...and the creatures of that world feel it...know it....where one is not feeling blue when alone...because one feels that there is the whole of the universe within him....where the trees and stars still converse with mankind, and animals are companions....a world called my dreams....

The gloom and doom did not pass as I walked home...it did not pass when I laid down on my bed...in fact it got worse...the stillness of my room, the unmistakable feeling of fear...of being unsure of one's self...of not knowing where one's life is heading, was closing upon me, and as I could not bear it, I had to do something...cowardly enough I fled....I placed a disk of soothing classical music into my player...and was on my way...flying to my world of dreams that always protect me...where in an instant I can be sitting by the ruins of an ancient castle on the banks of a Highland lake, marveling at the sunset with a beloved companion...or I can be standing in the rain, or walking on the coast of Portobello, collecting shells...or I can even be sitting by the fire in the middle of a forest chalet, on a cold autumn evening, after a long walk on a small, hidden road carpeted by freshly fallen leaves....having a pint whilst gazing at the playful, hungry flames eating away the chopped wood....smiling and sharing my joy...in my dreams....

The healthy soul lives in the healthy body?

The first 3 days of last week I spent at home...I had great plans!!! Ohh God could prove I did!  I thought I'm going to be walking a lot, I'll be bbq-ing with my family, I'll be sitting in the sun, relaxing, enjoying the free time I have, and will certainly recharge my batteries...

Not by a little was I surprised when upon getting home, none of my plans were accomplished (and I again, realized the eternal truth of the saying: "man plans, God actions") I was sticking to my original idea of sleeping till long, no harm in that, but somehow the sleep did not have the effect of what I expected from it...I woke up, and felt even more tired than when I got to bed.  I started to read, but I have realized that I cannot really see those letters printed in the book, and what was even more worrying from one minute to another the little black creatures came to live and started running up and down on the surface of the pages, making it seemingly difficult for me to catch them...at one point I even gave up and walked to the mirror to see if I can find some form of visible reason in my eyes for this phenomenon...not sure what I expected to spot there, but certainly not what I actually discovered!  My eye (the right one) was just red, thickly enmeshed by little blood veins, all rushing towards the center of my eye, it was not hurting much but certainly felt uncomfortable and worn out..so much, that I could not keep it open, what's more I had to place a band over it, tied down by some plaster, that helped it being kept closed.  I realized, that reading is now out of the list, but still did not give up, thought the walking is still an option...until it started to rain and the world wrapped itself in a grey veil, that made those friendly nearby hills disappear of sight completely...but!!! I insisted, waited for mom to return from work, hoping I can still convince her to accompany me for a walk...was even prepared to draw her attention to the fact that it is indeed possible to walk whilst carrying an umbrella...but...when she returned home I started to grow suspicious upon seeing her yawning too much (that's usually the sign of a bad stomach) and my suspicion became fact when she shared with me her feeling of unease, and went to bed straight away.  I felt that my enthusiasm of going forward and accomplish my plan no matter what was somewhat decreasing: so far no reading, no walk, no bbq - thanks to the weather & the millions of mosquitoes in the garden, who only didn't attack us, because the our front door blocked them, but I could sense them all (hear them) eagerly and attentively peeking in from behind the door, ready to attack their sweet blooded prey any minute!!  Well...I was not ready myself to sacrifice myself on the altar of bbq for one thing, and have never really dreamed of leaving this life behind whilst becoming the feast of the little bastards  (excuse my language).

The outcome of not seeing a chance of plans/dreams coming true was that for 3 days I was doing nothing (not too proud of that, but I was certain at least it will recharge my batteries - well I was wrong..again).  My eyes got worse - which I could not really understand as when I was in the office watching the screen for 10 hours it just held on...now when I was not doing anything at home, they turned blood red...I could not sleep at night, and even during the day I was not in my best mood - that was mainly down to my worries...a friend of mine has a relative in hospital, and as this friend means a lot to me, I could not stop thinking about them, and slowly adopted the pain, fear, worry.  3 days of my holiday was gone, and I got back to the capital feeling sort of awful...out of balance. Can anyone do this after me?  I don't think so...but I am up for the challenge any time...

I had 2 days to work last week, which is really bearable, but...but...but...I ended up hardly bearing it...The atmosphere in the office was nice, people were lovely and caring, I had no reason to feel off track...yet I was...On the first day (besides my eyes) my back started to hurt...on the 2nd, it was my stomach...ohhh and on none of those nights could I sleep...just tossed and turned...Thankfully on Saturday I did not have to work, instead I made a very enjoyable trip to Bratislava with my friend M (in the rain) and we talked so much, melted into the beating of that cute city so much, that I finally I forgot about all my pain that sort of raided over me in the past few days...yet today is Sunday, and though I slept enough I woke up with a headache, a pain in my chest and stomach...and what I realized was, that the more I want to feel healthy the least I succeed...if you have been paying attention I very much wanted to accomplish those plans I have described, and I failed none the less...a very adorable flick from the Universe I must say!  I'm "laughing" very hard indeed...but...the more I think about it...that these symptoms and pain are probably serving as an indicator for me...that there is something in me that I try to just push away, to the back of my mind, to one of those boxes behind the imaginary wardrobe within the room where my soul dwells...is it my fear of change - though deep inside I know that I crave for a change?  Is it the fear of losing a certain kind of stability that I have? Because maybe I feel like I need to chose between leaving the dream (or something similar to it) or security/certainty?  Is it the fear that my way of looking at things is really too idealistic, and life is not a fairy tale, but rather a tough, hard stone mine as most of the people view it? (I know it is not a fairy tale, and was not meant to be just joy and laughter, but I cannot accept that it is a stone mine - dark and depressing...I believe we have the right to search for what makes us happy, fight for it hardly of course, even bearing the necessary wounds..but at the end, this will make us responsible for our own happiness and life too!)  Is it the fear that my search for happiness is in vain, because we just need to accept whatever comes along our way and accept it, like so many people do?  Letting go of most of the control, and just be in control of the little things?  But by that, are we not pushing the responsibility from ourselves over to the unknown?  This question really gets me thinking...but for now,  pleasant walk awaits me, so for a little while I shall be excused...however I'll be back in due time!!! This time I promise sooner than in a month :)