I thought the holidays supposed to fill the people with renewed energy...and maybe it is really so in most people's case...just not in mine...I was hoping I'll go to work today, if not even with a huge smile on my face, at least content, balanced, ready to face challenges, buuuut it did not happen...I woke up, had my usual cup of coffee roamed around in the flat a few times searching for my entry card, then monthly pass, only to realize that it has expired, which meant that I needed to go and get a new one, as opposed to just hopping on the bus and going to work. The extra time I needed to get to work today was even more prolonged, because the ticket office nearby was closed, however they ensured that the poor passengers would have the option to buy ticket/pass by making a man stand in front of the ticket office, selling tickets...but as you can imagine there was a queue as the unlucky salesman was not that emm..experienced...sooo I can confirm it was a very flawless and fresh start of the beloved Monday morning.
The time spent in the office was fine, colleagues wondering about my holiday, me colorfully describing them the story of the crazy woman in St. Andrews who I was sure is going to attack me at one point, or the fire alarm going off in the hostel where we slept, resulting in a bunch of people hurriedly being evacuated from all 10 floors...most of them ending up standing in their pyjamas along the congested road next to the river Clyde in Glasgow. Luckily enough for me, I managed to have some soup for lunch, which I was craving for as I did not help myself to any of that very delicious and for me essential sort of nourishment during the past week...so seemingly everything was all right, and yet my mood was slowly slipping into a catatonic stage...I was trying...I really was..recalled memories of my trip's highlights, let my thoughts ramble on..taking several diversions towards the merry festivities of the coming Christmas, even ate some chocolate and yet...I did not manage to find that harmony I can proudly call my almost usual companion, and could just not quite understand why. My nerves started to play a trick on me, they touched different strings of my soul's guitar, and in one moment it was a melody of sadness, in another a song of melancholy, only to be finished off by a hit of unexpected anger. I could not stand a chance against my emotions, so finally I gave up..I sank deeper and deeper into the vortex generated by the sharp contrast between my dreams and reality...maybe it was all because of having returned from a trip, where my eyes could feed on the beauty of nature..on the rough, stern, barren yet sublime peaks of the Highlands, covered by a rusty coloured carpet of heather, and shyly hiding lochs, similar to the teardrops of a mighty, melancholic God whose wish was to secure the secret of the universe in the depth of those crystal clear lakes, amongst the ridges of captivating, royal, yet strong and rigorous hills, serving not only as watchman, but well trained soldiers, ready to give their very life to defend the pearls of secret should they spot a stranger driven by an adventurous soul, having set foot with the aim of stealing, or at least discovering them....
Reality was so much different...I was sitting in an office, creating reports, reading emails...far...miles away from the magical land that drew me...that wanted me...I could still hear the whisper of that cold north wind in my ears...could feel its freezing, yet gentle touch on my face that brought the roses on my cheek into life...it was luring me...calling upon me...wanting me to follow, while it danced away elegantly on the vague...haunted field of withered heather...into the wilderness...to a world that only some can see...the ones whose blood vessels go crazy upon being presented to such beauty...the ones whose heart starts pounding and feel an irresistible urge to break free and run...run where there are no rules, where there is no evil...just the laws of nature, survival, pure strength, courage and love...where everything has its on place, but not because it is said so by man made law, but because it's plainly right so...and the creatures of that world feel it...know it....where one is not feeling blue when alone...because one feels that there is the whole of the universe within him....where the trees and stars still converse with mankind, and animals are companions....a world called my dreams....
The gloom and doom did not pass as I walked home...it did not pass when I laid down on my bed...in fact it got worse...the stillness of my room, the unmistakable feeling of fear...of being unsure of one's self...of not knowing where one's life is heading, was closing upon me, and as I could not bear it, I had to do something...cowardly enough I fled....I placed a disk of soothing classical music into my player...and was on my way...flying to my world of dreams that always protect me...where in an instant I can be sitting by the ruins of an ancient castle on the banks of a Highland lake, marveling at the sunset with a beloved companion...or I can be standing in the rain, or walking on the coast of Portobello, collecting shells...or I can even be sitting by the fire in the middle of a forest chalet, on a cold autumn evening, after a long walk on a small, hidden road carpeted by freshly fallen leaves....having a pint whilst gazing at the playful, hungry flames eating away the chopped wood....smiling and sharing my joy...in my dreams....
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