The healthy soul lives in the healthy body?

The first 3 days of last week I spent at home...I had great plans!!! Ohh God could prove I did!  I thought I'm going to be walking a lot, I'll be bbq-ing with my family, I'll be sitting in the sun, relaxing, enjoying the free time I have, and will certainly recharge my batteries...

Not by a little was I surprised when upon getting home, none of my plans were accomplished (and I again, realized the eternal truth of the saying: "man plans, God actions") I was sticking to my original idea of sleeping till long, no harm in that, but somehow the sleep did not have the effect of what I expected from it...I woke up, and felt even more tired than when I got to bed.  I started to read, but I have realized that I cannot really see those letters printed in the book, and what was even more worrying from one minute to another the little black creatures came to live and started running up and down on the surface of the pages, making it seemingly difficult for me to catch them...at one point I even gave up and walked to the mirror to see if I can find some form of visible reason in my eyes for this phenomenon...not sure what I expected to spot there, but certainly not what I actually discovered!  My eye (the right one) was just red, thickly enmeshed by little blood veins, all rushing towards the center of my eye, it was not hurting much but certainly felt uncomfortable and worn out..so much, that I could not keep it open, what's more I had to place a band over it, tied down by some plaster, that helped it being kept closed.  I realized, that reading is now out of the list, but still did not give up, thought the walking is still an option...until it started to rain and the world wrapped itself in a grey veil, that made those friendly nearby hills disappear of sight completely...but!!! I insisted, waited for mom to return from work, hoping I can still convince her to accompany me for a walk...was even prepared to draw her attention to the fact that it is indeed possible to walk whilst carrying an umbrella...but...when she returned home I started to grow suspicious upon seeing her yawning too much (that's usually the sign of a bad stomach) and my suspicion became fact when she shared with me her feeling of unease, and went to bed straight away.  I felt that my enthusiasm of going forward and accomplish my plan no matter what was somewhat decreasing: so far no reading, no walk, no bbq - thanks to the weather & the millions of mosquitoes in the garden, who only didn't attack us, because the our front door blocked them, but I could sense them all (hear them) eagerly and attentively peeking in from behind the door, ready to attack their sweet blooded prey any minute!!  Well...I was not ready myself to sacrifice myself on the altar of bbq for one thing, and have never really dreamed of leaving this life behind whilst becoming the feast of the little bastards  (excuse my language).

The outcome of not seeing a chance of plans/dreams coming true was that for 3 days I was doing nothing (not too proud of that, but I was certain at least it will recharge my batteries - well I was wrong..again).  My eyes got worse - which I could not really understand as when I was in the office watching the screen for 10 hours it just held on...now when I was not doing anything at home, they turned blood red...I could not sleep at night, and even during the day I was not in my best mood - that was mainly down to my worries...a friend of mine has a relative in hospital, and as this friend means a lot to me, I could not stop thinking about them, and slowly adopted the pain, fear, worry.  3 days of my holiday was gone, and I got back to the capital feeling sort of awful...out of balance. Can anyone do this after me?  I don't think so...but I am up for the challenge any time...

I had 2 days to work last week, which is really bearable, but...but...but...I ended up hardly bearing it...The atmosphere in the office was nice, people were lovely and caring, I had no reason to feel off track...yet I was...On the first day (besides my eyes) my back started to hurt...on the 2nd, it was my stomach...ohhh and on none of those nights could I sleep...just tossed and turned...Thankfully on Saturday I did not have to work, instead I made a very enjoyable trip to Bratislava with my friend M (in the rain) and we talked so much, melted into the beating of that cute city so much, that I finally I forgot about all my pain that sort of raided over me in the past few days...yet today is Sunday, and though I slept enough I woke up with a headache, a pain in my chest and stomach...and what I realized was, that the more I want to feel healthy the least I succeed...if you have been paying attention I very much wanted to accomplish those plans I have described, and I failed none the less...a very adorable flick from the Universe I must say!  I'm "laughing" very hard indeed...but...the more I think about it...that these symptoms and pain are probably serving as an indicator for me...that there is something in me that I try to just push away, to the back of my mind, to one of those boxes behind the imaginary wardrobe within the room where my soul dwells...is it my fear of change - though deep inside I know that I crave for a change?  Is it the fear of losing a certain kind of stability that I have? Because maybe I feel like I need to chose between leaving the dream (or something similar to it) or security/certainty?  Is it the fear that my way of looking at things is really too idealistic, and life is not a fairy tale, but rather a tough, hard stone mine as most of the people view it? (I know it is not a fairy tale, and was not meant to be just joy and laughter, but I cannot accept that it is a stone mine - dark and depressing...I believe we have the right to search for what makes us happy, fight for it hardly of course, even bearing the necessary wounds..but at the end, this will make us responsible for our own happiness and life too!)  Is it the fear that my search for happiness is in vain, because we just need to accept whatever comes along our way and accept it, like so many people do?  Letting go of most of the control, and just be in control of the little things?  But by that, are we not pushing the responsibility from ourselves over to the unknown?  This question really gets me thinking...but for now,  pleasant walk awaits me, so for a little while I shall be excused...however I'll be back in due time!!! This time I promise sooner than in a month :)