I probably won't be wasting my time by listing the excuses why I have
not written in such a long time (not a single note this year, up until now...shame on you Dio) ...let's just say life crept up to me
invisibly, yet very quickly, covering my eyes with some special
glasses, altering my vision...these glasses are special because they only allow you to see
your responsibilities, what you need to do, what you are expected to
do..but they blindfold what you treasure doing..things that are deep
within your very heart bringing you joy...... but not the kind of joy, a completed
task would generate..not the happiness or contentment over
achieving/accomplishing what you had to, but a more elevated, pure sense
of joy coming to existence as a result of you doing something very dear
to you..something that might not bring you fame, something others might
not even find useful, but it sets you free still..because it's a part
of you..an important piece/station on your way to your destiny. So
that's what happened..I got absorbed in the world of work, dedicating
all my efforts to trying to get everything right (at least the things
for which I own the responsibility) and the time.....like a leaf dropped
into a fast flowing river, has gone out of sight..days were followed by
days, and I often went to bed with the feeling that I had no real
understanding..or a good grip of the fact, that yet another time
interval has passed without me spending quality time on myself. A
vicious circle I got myself into, and it had to be Christmas to make me
stop, and do a bit of summary..with myself..to identify things I could
do better..or differently next year.
My time concept definitely needs rethinking..it is my relationship to
time that makes me sometimes careless, when it comes to life. I wake
up, go to work, do my job, go running and then to bed. When I feel a
small tinge deep down, nudging me, asking me the question when did I
take the moment to look at the world and give thanks for being a
part of it; I my usual answer is that: "I'll make up for it next
time/tomorrow" and it goes on..me postponing, fooling..mainly myself..not wanting
to take on board the change and what might come with it. Rather on the
contrary I persuade myself that the current situation is comfortable,
therefore it would be a mistake to throw it away.."I've got enough
challenges at work" is often my response... but it can't be the adequate attitude, right? I mean
one can only grow wiser by experience..experience whilst overcoming
challenges, whilst opening ourselves to new aspects of the world and
everything that comes with it..new people, new ideas, new places... It
might sound like now though, as if I did not have a good year, given that
I am focusing a lot on what needs to be changed..but that was never the intention...to make it look like I had a horrible year, and as such changes are to be embraced, immediately. Nope..I had a wonderful year...I grew a lot...have seen a lot, and I think I am finally starting to shift from being a drifter to someone with more purpose...and for that "evolution" this year was necessary.
I am still a dreamer...I'd still love to just take the money and time, pack up, travel to somewhere gorgeous, like Scotland or Ireland....rent a wee house by the sea..on a cliff...with a small village nearby and spend my days with kind people in the local pub...singing, drinking, having fun...enjoying life...but...by now I also know that it's an image, conjured in my mind...something I'd find joyful, but...something that would probably not work out how I imagined...and I have to confine in the beauty of life, that somehow...life would give me that sort of happiness that in my dreams I associated with the cliff, the wee house, and jolly people in the pub. Happiness after all is not something that we can hunt down...it's there in every of our acts...the potential for it is there in every moment, it's up to us to recognize it.... So here I am, in my brother's room (he is off partying) finally taking the effort and time (something I should have done long ago) to update my blog, whilst listening to Wings from Birdie, and our wee dog (daxelhund named Berti) is calmly sleeping next to me, on the sofa with his "friend" a miniature plush dog :) He is the cutest creature in this very moment, and watching him sleep, seeing his little body go up and down as he is breathing calmly gives me such pleasure that is difficult to compare for one thing, but a kind of joy that probably not even the fact of being in Scotland now could give. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my mission for the future is, to try and find joy in whatever I am doing...and it can be very mundane...everyday things really... it does not matter...as long as I feel that I'm alive, that there is a reason for my existence...that by every minute spent here on this Earth I'm learning, I'm getting richer with regards to experience and possibly wisdom...that every minute I'm here I have the chance to show, share and get love...and that is in itself a miracle....I think I can finally understand the importance of always being conscious when it comes to life, and time itself, because it's so easy to loose track...to forget about ourselves, and get lost in the maze of routine...depriving us the opportunity to recognize the little miracles within ever day. But if one has the spirit and is determined, one should be able to tear him/herself out of that maze and take his/her life to his/her hands.
Maybe slowly I'm starting to get closer to the fine balance in between dreams and reality...maybe I suffered too much about dreams only existing in my own world, and reality being always different from them...and maybe last year I let my dreams fade away and I grew to be more of a realist...only complying with my responsibilities, and what my body needed (sport) but not focusing too much on my soul (yet the combination of hard work and regular sporting still gave me a certain level of confidence in myself, topped with extra energy)....ao maybe next year I'll finally manage to go with the combination of the two...allowing my dreams to flow freely, but at the same time enjoying reality.... a mission worth trying....
