Today started a bit difficult. I had to get to the office on time, as I needed to leave "early" to be at home, where a lady measuring my yearly energy consumption was waiting for me. The alarm went off..once..twice..I stopped it and still felt numb. Outside was still grey, and I imagined it is rather chilly, while underneath the blanket it was cozy and warm. My body had a tingling, cute, comfortable feeling inside..in a way miraculous, and I knew if I move only a bit, I'll kill the magic. I didn't want to. All my cells were begging me to stay motionless, to let my eyelids close, and enjoy this strange kind of levitation I tried to explain myself that time is passing by and I really need to get out of bed, but my body was pleading for a couple more minutes. Finally, when it was 20 minutes past the time I should have woken up, I jumped out of the bed, and rushed to work.
At work then, when I had a minute, the following thoughts kept on whirling in my head:
What am I actually doing here? Do I belong here? How long will I stay here? And then, these thoughts scared me a bit so I started wondering where these thoughts are coming from? Do they have a solid base? Is something not right? Do I feel bad? Am I not happy?
Think about it! Given a great company..truly a rather good one in its category, and I have the privilege to work there. I get decent salary, that allows me to live well, to pay for a flat, buy clothes, food what I wish. All my basic needs are covered. The atmosphere is great in the office, people are kind, we talk a lot, eventually we go out together. Then..given a grand city..a really nice one, with old buildings, yet many shops and stuff ...again, to satisfy my ..or in fact anyone's needs. It's lively, if you want to get some entertainment, there is always something going on, you won't get bored. I've got many friends at this place, who care for me, support me, come to visit me etc. In total: I've got a great life...there is no reason for complaining, because many would do much for such a life...and yet I feel like I am off...if I look a bit into the future I get a bit scared. You know why? Because with this "great" life I could be well away for another 40 year! and THAT scares me! I feel still too young to already commit myself to a way of life, that I do not feel like I own 100 percent.
I am such a person, for whom security means a lot. Emotional, financial, social...no matter what kind of security, but I feel at easy, if I know roughly where things are in my life. I am not worried if I know the city, because I've been there before. I am not worried, if I know what awaits me at work..the type of issues, and the bunch of alternative solutions to them. I am not worried, if I have a number of friends on whom I can count on, and they are within reach. I am not worried, if I have a flat where I can alway go home to. I guess in a way that's normal. It gives me a sort of confidence. There are so many unforeseeen things happening in the world, at least I know my bed will be there, waiting to embrace me, my work will continue etc. So this is a nice life, but still I feel as if it is dull. It feels like if I was one of those trees they cut in shape. Every spring they bring new branches, hoping this will be the time they may spread, or soar into the sky, to experience the freedom of living, but their efforts are broken, as they get trimmed. They trim them, because they fit the scenery more, because that's the expectation of a person, who is responsible for the outlook of an avenue let's say. That tree cannot really learn..develop..and experience, because it is enclosed in a given shape. And actually that's where I'm trying to get to..this year I've been pushed out of this balance..this bubble of security a numerous times...not on the work side..rather on the emotional end. It was tough, but I learned a lot from it. That was the way to grow in experience. So for a while now I'm thinking ...I really need to go against my fears. I need to identify them...and...above I just tracked one...and then go against them...defeat them, and with the pride and confidence of the winners move on.
I realized ..that...hmmm..shame on me...but I'm a coward. So far, I was really ...afraid of new things...I prefered the known old ways, and was not too keen on being a pioneer on onwalked roads. I did not want to take the risk...I prefered to stay in the lukewarm water. But I think even the Bible warns us..not to be lukewarm...rather be hot or cold..but not lukewarm..because ...lukewarm is equal to cowardice, and indifference. Now I myself tried to get around this by constant postponing. I said to myself, all right...true...I could take a risk, but...hmm...maybe just let's wait a little more...and today, it dawned on me..if I continue it like this, I would be waiting 40 years worth of "little more" and I'd be there, old, in the gates of death, and regretting...regretting and crying over the last opportunities, chances...over my cowardice...and at that point it would not be possible to turn back the time. Yeah...when one is young, it is difficult to see that, because we think we've got sooo much time still...which could be true, but we cannot rely fully on that...what we need to bear in mind is that we have this one life..and it's fully our responsibility what we do with it. We may blame the world..this era we live in, the government, the society etc. but when the time comes, the judges will not look at the circumstances..they will only look for whether we have persevered..whether we have been brave enough to take the risks when it was needed, whether we have aimed for living life to its fullest. Strange..if you ask people what they'd do if they knew they had 1 week left, most of them would take a 90 degree turn, and start doing things rather different from what they are doing..let's say now, when they think they have much time and chances. I'm saying that, because I'm one of these people..and to be honest, I don't like this..because it feels like I am not loyal to myself...to someone..down there, at the bottom of my soul.
Sometimes, it feels like there are 2 creatures..living there...in the middle of me. 1 is kind, soft, quiet and loves to rejoice over simple things...is keen on marveling at the nature, enjoys conversing with the moon, and stars. She never rushes, she recognizes even the little details..she likes to explore people's eyes, and is very happy to help others. I really like her. And there is the other creature...she is much louder, always worrying, shouting, never satisfied...she is constantly thinking about the past or the future, about the money, whether it will be enough, about work etc. She never wants to take the risk. She tries to constantly convince number 1 that it is better to just sit and wait and complain in security than sacrifice all this for something that is unsure. Number 1 is trying to educate 2 through tales and comparisons. She tells her: Look..we are sitting in a room, that has bars over the window. It's good, we maybe feeling secure. Noone can enter...but..you see we are never able to see what the world is truly like...because there are always pieces of it, that gets covered by the bars...don't u just want to get rid of the bars? At other times, she is saying: look...by not taking the risk, you deprive yourself from the very bad things...but...from the very good ones too. Some people like to eat the same food. They go out to a restaurant, and order what they know...they don't dare to go for the exotic stuff, because they are afraid they'll stay hungry...rather, they give up the cavalcade of tastes, to quiet down their hunger. Well true..if the unknown food is not delicious enough..they'll stay hungry..that's unpleasant..but still they learn something..that they will never order it again..but in case the unkown food proves to be very delicious, they have their stomach filled AND will be gifted with a culinary journey to rich lands. I think it would be worthwhile to take the risk...if not for else, than to be in the favour of the taste buds, who are very curious creatures.
All in all...today I realized, that in order to be able to learn, develop, and maybe live a complete life...collecting as many experiences as possible, gaining wisdom and happiness I need to step out of my comfort zone. It's not easy, it requires a lot of effort, but...who has ever heard of such that the road to the treasure would be easy? Isn't it always filled with hurdles, abysses, dark forests, evil things hindering you to get to the heart of your desires? And who has ever heard that a coward manages to walk all the length of the road? Well...they turn back even before a true challenge is faced..but in exchange, they can only dream abou the treasure......After a bit of preparation, I think..I'll take the path of the warriors rather...
No comments:
Post a Comment