Last week a friend of mine, my most faithful (only) reader called my attention to the fact, that lately, I'm not writing much on my blog. At first, I thought it's bad, because I knew the reason for not writing was, that I did not quite know what to write. I took part in adventures, I met people, many things happened, many influenced me, many words, theories, moods, colours have passed through me, yet I did not find them "worthy" enough, to remember. I thought, I lost my capability of "tracking" things..even small things...I started to be somewhat afraid, that I became numb to the wonders of the world..I started to doubt if I can still hear the moon whispering, or my ears gave in, and let it be overriden by the noise of the city...I started to doubt, if I can still take long trips into the labyrinth of imagination. I need to confess, for a while I thought, this is what poets, writers might define as "crisis". But then I realized, that these above mentioned qualities of mine have not vanished, just the huge driving force behind, that pushed them within me until I managed to set them free somehow has been blown away by the cold winter wind of 2012 january. Last year was filled with melancholy, contemplation, pain, self pity, self blame, and a tireless battle between my heart and mind...between my ego, and my soul. The result was: a creative period on one hand, and too much thinking, too much analizing on the other hand. With the beginning of this year something changed..so quickly I was not even able to capture the moment, when it all turned...when my crashed, direction lost/aimless train was put back on track.
It is not much use to talk always/only about the past, yet when I had to summarize my last year, in order to sort things out within me I was not proud of myself. I know that, it all happened for a reason...I could have overcome hardships easier/quicker, but I didn't..and funnily enough today, I think, that it's quite all right that I didn't. We are all different, some need less time, some more to make peace with themselves. Some like to bury things deep down, and go on, some like to keep them at hand, look at it from all sides, trying to solve what Fate's puzzle. I don't feel ashamed because it took me a bit longer to find the balance, rather because in the gruesome battle I did not manage my energy correctly. I focused too much on blaming myself for all that happened, and also invested too much into self pity. As a result, I did not give all the love, and attention to those, who love me, and support me. All they wanted is to see/make me happy, and all they got in return was a closed, cold person, who locks herself into a stone tower, not letting anyone near, trying to avoid being hurt. I slowly forgot that I am a precious creation of God, just like anyone else, and I gave up trusting that somehow, some day it will all work out..this hardened my heart, and this all just added a great deal to the basic scenario, which was filled with apathy.
Yet, there is light..a shining light at the end of the tunnel! Yesterday evening, a friend of mine came over. I hurt him, though I did not inted to..after a hard day I grew impatient and did not answer him in a polite manner. I regretted those words, right after they were said. I sent him a message to ask for forgiveness, but I knew too well, forgiving is not always easy. Yesterday evening was our "peace negotiation". We went walking around the lake, and circled there for 1 and a half hour, then he came in for tea, and shisha. He left at 3 am. We had a really enjoyable, and meaningful talk. I really honour him, for being honest, even if at times it proves to be difficult to say what you feel...and I look up to him, because unlike many others, he is not afraid to express his love, and he has a huge! heart, filled with much much love. He is one of those people, who does not measure people by how they look, or what they own. He has a good instinct of being able to see behind the masks...he has the capability of capturing one's soul. He was able to see my soul right from the beginning through my eyes, and it's something that needs to be treasured, because there are not many who take the effort to do that. Though we talked till early morning I did not feel tired, his optimism kept me fresh and energized....and :) we discussed our little "quarrel" and made peace with each other, which eased my heart, because the weight of unfair/bad deeds - though I tried to neglect it - was truly squeezing me inside.
Today I really wanted to go to church. I know that the mass will start at noon, but after such a short night I was not sure if I'll be able to make it. However I woke up on time, and decided to use this opportunity, got dressed and headed to the Basilica. In the past months I was not really visiting the church. How come? one might ask, as it was a habit of mine from childhood. Well...I gave up...every time I went there last year, I went there with my problems, which I expected God to resolve. All I had in me were favours, and requests, which I wanted God to fulfill. Nice, huh? I could not cope with the fact, that His will is not the same as my will, so I decided, ok, then we do not have any more business together. I was still praying before falling asleep, but I could sense the change in my heart which kept me away from the church. I lost hope, and what is worst, I stopped trusting Him, and believing, that everything is for the benefit of those who believe in Him. Well today, like the prodigal son, I entered His house...this marvelous masterpiece of architecture. I sat down in a corner that was bathing in the golden sunrays of the winter son. The sunlight's golden effect was even more emphasized as it made its way through a stained glass windown, that had the picture of the rising sun on it. I sat there, in this mystical light, seeing from the corner of my eyest how the sunrays give a glamouros, glittering tone to my hair and face and like the lost ones in the desert when they find an oasis with water, could not get enough of it...tried to greedily soak in the phenomenon. It was in a way mystical..in a moment I was almost waiting for the angels to appear, softly descending from above...I did not really manage to pay attention to anything else, it was all too beautiful, occupying all my senses at the same time. Then the mass started, and cloud casted shadow on the window, but the calmess the gorgeous moment brought with itself remained. It spread in my heart, and from then on with contentment in my soul I prayed for the wellbeing, joy and health of all those whom I love (and their families of course). I gave thanks, and I asked for forgiveness...for not being strong enough, and giving it up...for not trusting...for being too selfish...for wanting to take the easy road only.
The magic day is coming to an end, yet I still feel its energy vibrating in me, even if the rest of the day was spent with rather materialistic things (shopping :) ) and with taking a dive into the infinite sea of dreams (watching Underworld 4 in the cinema :) ) - it established a solid ground within me, that no matter what, there must be hope and faith, and love, and instead of giving up on these things easily in the hard times, we must endure, and keep believing...because if not, then all is left is emptiness...a sole shell, maybe hard, maybe withstanding the storms for a while..but it's without life...not serving its purpose...to shield that precious core inside.
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Monday, 2 January 2012
A new beginning...
When I started this blog last year, it was supposed to "collect" the moments of joy experience..but...somehow..not all entries turned out to be joyous after all.. I daresay, most of my entries had a rather melancholic tone to them. I could not help it, I decided, I will be honest, and the blog will be a true mirror of a piece of my soul...after all, there was/is no reason to use masks here....whom could I fool? why would I fool anyone? There is no use..sense..motivation behind. The result is here..seventy some entries mainly rotating around my effort of trying to enjoy what the world has to offer, trying to capture beauty, trying to face my fears, worries, and very often sadness. Yeah, 2011 did not exactly bring what I expected of it in the very beginning. I was harsh with myself, I wanted to have results by its end..but..little did I do to achieve those results..yet, I am happy it turned out how it did.
We are all different, that's for sure...noone needs special powers to be able to conclude that. Difference includes not only physical appearence, ways of thinking, feeling etc. but also our attitude. Everyone here, has such a unique set up of emotions, visions, dreams, feelings, priorities that it is on one hand a blessing, on the other a curse. A blessing, because we can all add our special "flavour" to the world, and this individuality that lies within our special way of being created enables us to see things from different angles, giving us the chance to see colours others cannot, to dream of things others cannot.....On the other hand, it is a curse, because in times of hardship, we need to fight our own battles..and face our own demons..that belong to noone else, but only to us. When I was down, and could not understand, accept what is happening..when I felt the world is not fair with me, and did not manage to capture, why it is playing its nasty tricks on me, I started to read many books, articles..of people, who were/are in similar situation. I wanted a recipe..of how to overcome that sorrow. You see I was lazy..I did not want to take up the fight, I did not want to suffer..I wanted to be over with it, as soon as I could. But no matter what I tried..or did not try (because many were giving me advices, and I said I'd give it a go, but at the end, I refused to do so, because I did not have the taste/energy) it didn't help..because I am also a unique piece of creation, and I had to find my own tactics...and weapons of how to conquer my demons.
I needed time...much time...especially because I wanted to rush through my "healing". I wanted to be like others, who can finish one things, and start a new...even if it involves the heart. I envied those, who were capable of doing that. But at the end of last year..when I made a little summary within me, I was thankful that I took all the time I needed. I had time for weeping, I had time for mourning over what has been lost, and this way slowly, very slowly, but my soul started to cleanse itself. I could stare into the mirror, without look away..because there was honesty in my eyes..honesty with myself. I did not show myself to be strong when I was weak...I did not pretend to be "not caring" when I really cared. Yeah most of the time I did not like my reactions, but...at least I knew where I am with myself. Time...time...time...yeah I battled a lot with time...but by now, I have a better understanding of the saying, that "everything has its time". I'm truly thankful for that , because...I see so many people around me, who are living in the tight grip of time. They rush, they don't even realize, but they slowly become a slave of time. Some people are horrified of time, because it makes them age, and look old...wrinkles appear on their face, and they feel like their time is over. Women near 30 go mad, if they are still single, because the feel that time is urging them to start founding a family...so what do they do? They make tons of compromises, and marry a guy, who might not have been a man of their dreams 2 years ago, but now that the time is closing in on them, they start to panic, and do almost everything to have kids. They make a mistake for they mix a type of love/attraction with true love...that to blossom, needs, guess what? Time. I dunno...but whenever I rush..I always leave something at home..I am not focused enough, and the work I complete in a rush is not 100%...I think it can have such effects on a bigger scale too. Therefore I made peace with time....I won't rush...I will give him space and open the door for him, to continue his soulforming work within me.
I could not be friends with time, if I did not have hope. True, when bad things happen, and we feel fate has not been fair to us, it is easy to give up hope....why would the future be different? there is no guarantee, and there were so many times when I hoped for something, and it never happened. Yet, if we are the swords, hope is the fire that trains the steal.....it melts it, so that the steal could be formed under the hammering hands of Fate/God, cooled down in the soothing pool of faith, resulting in the masterpiece of the craftsman, in which he finds joy. Hope is not easy to keep by our side, but without it, we could not go on...our soul would be left deserted..without water.
A really powerful demon, I had to face past year was loneliness. It was so strong, that it took away my ability to have a healthy attitude towards reality..what surrounds me from day to day. Because the world..society..it is as it is..1 person can not do too much to change it...if there is crisis..people can complain, that they are depressed, or tired, or demotivated, because the world is so negative around them..and there is this crisis, and it steps ahead to receive the primary role of the blame game, while in the "not admitted" foggy background the true reason stays hidden. There were always bad times in history...yet I don't think all people became depressed, and killed themselves...on the contrary, bad times often brought people together..they started to form tighter bonds, and the lived through moments of true happiness. I am not saying that it is just normal and common to be happy when there is war for example, I'd just like to emphasize, how much our happiness depends on our attitude. If our attitude is the following: "OK, this is rather shit..this economy, world, work etc. yet I try to accept it, as it is now, and Heaven forbid even try to look for moments of joy..as it is the present, and that's what matters, and who knows, the future might bring something brighter" then we are able to come out of difficult situations with a strengthened, healthier soul. And!!! this is what I discovered, that this attitude of mine was washed away by the feeling of "loneliness" in 2011. I complained about many things...work, economy, society, youth, the world..but behind all this was the fear of loneliness. I might be wrong, but I think I'm not the only one, who can be paralized by it. I've seen some people, and read about a few, who go from one relationship to another because they cannot stay alone, because they are so afraid of being alone. I think it is really not the best..because in my opinion, these people are much dependent on their partner. If they don't have one, they don't feel complete, but then, it makes me think, they are half people. I would certainly not like to be with such a person, because I'd always question, if he really loves me, or just my status of being his "partner" and as such, supporter, comforter etc. So my loneliness was a cunning one...I needed someone, because somewhere deep I probably hoped, that this other one can solve the problems I couldn't. Foolish no? Well Fate certainly is a cruel master, He did not let me escape my lessons, and kept me alone all year long! :) By now, I'm thankful for that, because I'd like to grow, and get to know myself more..I'd like to be confident, and I'd like to be a friend of myself..knowing my values, and my weakpoints too...and once if there will be a chance I'd like to become the worthy partner of someone, who appreciates being alone, and its advantages, but knows that love can only be multiplied when it is shared.
On the 2nd day of January 2012 I am rather talkative :) but most of all, I'm calm, happy, and hopeful. There is finally peace in me, not afraid of being lonely any more, rather even enjoying it, and using all its opportunities. In this year, I'd like to be even more cheerful and brave, the dreamy, childish girl I used to be, and I look forward to achieve a few things I've always been postponing, such aaaas getting a driving license! :DDD uhum!! I'll continue writing this blog too, because I realized, writing down what is on my mind alleviates the tension, and sets me free of the turmoil of thought storming in my mind (& heart) time to time :) Happy 2012!
We are all different, that's for sure...noone needs special powers to be able to conclude that. Difference includes not only physical appearence, ways of thinking, feeling etc. but also our attitude. Everyone here, has such a unique set up of emotions, visions, dreams, feelings, priorities that it is on one hand a blessing, on the other a curse. A blessing, because we can all add our special "flavour" to the world, and this individuality that lies within our special way of being created enables us to see things from different angles, giving us the chance to see colours others cannot, to dream of things others cannot.....On the other hand, it is a curse, because in times of hardship, we need to fight our own battles..and face our own demons..that belong to noone else, but only to us. When I was down, and could not understand, accept what is happening..when I felt the world is not fair with me, and did not manage to capture, why it is playing its nasty tricks on me, I started to read many books, articles..of people, who were/are in similar situation. I wanted a recipe..of how to overcome that sorrow. You see I was lazy..I did not want to take up the fight, I did not want to suffer..I wanted to be over with it, as soon as I could. But no matter what I tried..or did not try (because many were giving me advices, and I said I'd give it a go, but at the end, I refused to do so, because I did not have the taste/energy) it didn't help..because I am also a unique piece of creation, and I had to find my own tactics...and weapons of how to conquer my demons.
I needed time...much time...especially because I wanted to rush through my "healing". I wanted to be like others, who can finish one things, and start a new...even if it involves the heart. I envied those, who were capable of doing that. But at the end of last year..when I made a little summary within me, I was thankful that I took all the time I needed. I had time for weeping, I had time for mourning over what has been lost, and this way slowly, very slowly, but my soul started to cleanse itself. I could stare into the mirror, without look away..because there was honesty in my eyes..honesty with myself. I did not show myself to be strong when I was weak...I did not pretend to be "not caring" when I really cared. Yeah most of the time I did not like my reactions, but...at least I knew where I am with myself. Time...time...time...yeah I battled a lot with time...but by now, I have a better understanding of the saying, that "everything has its time". I'm truly thankful for that , because...I see so many people around me, who are living in the tight grip of time. They rush, they don't even realize, but they slowly become a slave of time. Some people are horrified of time, because it makes them age, and look old...wrinkles appear on their face, and they feel like their time is over. Women near 30 go mad, if they are still single, because the feel that time is urging them to start founding a family...so what do they do? They make tons of compromises, and marry a guy, who might not have been a man of their dreams 2 years ago, but now that the time is closing in on them, they start to panic, and do almost everything to have kids. They make a mistake for they mix a type of love/attraction with true love...that to blossom, needs, guess what? Time. I dunno...but whenever I rush..I always leave something at home..I am not focused enough, and the work I complete in a rush is not 100%...I think it can have such effects on a bigger scale too. Therefore I made peace with time....I won't rush...I will give him space and open the door for him, to continue his soulforming work within me.
I could not be friends with time, if I did not have hope. True, when bad things happen, and we feel fate has not been fair to us, it is easy to give up hope....why would the future be different? there is no guarantee, and there were so many times when I hoped for something, and it never happened. Yet, if we are the swords, hope is the fire that trains the steal.....it melts it, so that the steal could be formed under the hammering hands of Fate/God, cooled down in the soothing pool of faith, resulting in the masterpiece of the craftsman, in which he finds joy. Hope is not easy to keep by our side, but without it, we could not go on...our soul would be left deserted..without water.
A really powerful demon, I had to face past year was loneliness. It was so strong, that it took away my ability to have a healthy attitude towards reality..what surrounds me from day to day. Because the world..society..it is as it is..1 person can not do too much to change it...if there is crisis..people can complain, that they are depressed, or tired, or demotivated, because the world is so negative around them..and there is this crisis, and it steps ahead to receive the primary role of the blame game, while in the "not admitted" foggy background the true reason stays hidden. There were always bad times in history...yet I don't think all people became depressed, and killed themselves...on the contrary, bad times often brought people together..they started to form tighter bonds, and the lived through moments of true happiness. I am not saying that it is just normal and common to be happy when there is war for example, I'd just like to emphasize, how much our happiness depends on our attitude. If our attitude is the following: "OK, this is rather shit..this economy, world, work etc. yet I try to accept it, as it is now, and Heaven forbid even try to look for moments of joy..as it is the present, and that's what matters, and who knows, the future might bring something brighter" then we are able to come out of difficult situations with a strengthened, healthier soul. And!!! this is what I discovered, that this attitude of mine was washed away by the feeling of "loneliness" in 2011. I complained about many things...work, economy, society, youth, the world..but behind all this was the fear of loneliness. I might be wrong, but I think I'm not the only one, who can be paralized by it. I've seen some people, and read about a few, who go from one relationship to another because they cannot stay alone, because they are so afraid of being alone. I think it is really not the best..because in my opinion, these people are much dependent on their partner. If they don't have one, they don't feel complete, but then, it makes me think, they are half people. I would certainly not like to be with such a person, because I'd always question, if he really loves me, or just my status of being his "partner" and as such, supporter, comforter etc. So my loneliness was a cunning one...I needed someone, because somewhere deep I probably hoped, that this other one can solve the problems I couldn't. Foolish no? Well Fate certainly is a cruel master, He did not let me escape my lessons, and kept me alone all year long! :) By now, I'm thankful for that, because I'd like to grow, and get to know myself more..I'd like to be confident, and I'd like to be a friend of myself..knowing my values, and my weakpoints too...and once if there will be a chance I'd like to become the worthy partner of someone, who appreciates being alone, and its advantages, but knows that love can only be multiplied when it is shared.
On the 2nd day of January 2012 I am rather talkative :) but most of all, I'm calm, happy, and hopeful. There is finally peace in me, not afraid of being lonely any more, rather even enjoying it, and using all its opportunities. In this year, I'd like to be even more cheerful and brave, the dreamy, childish girl I used to be, and I look forward to achieve a few things I've always been postponing, such aaaas getting a driving license! :DDD uhum!! I'll continue writing this blog too, because I realized, writing down what is on my mind alleviates the tension, and sets me free of the turmoil of thought storming in my mind (& heart) time to time :) Happy 2012!
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