A mystic light

Last week a friend of mine, my most faithful (only) reader called my attention to the fact, that lately, I'm not writing much on my blog.  At first, I thought it's bad, because I knew the reason for not writing was, that I did not quite know what to write.  I took part in adventures, I met people, many things happened, many influenced me, many words, theories, moods, colours have passed through me, yet I did not find them "worthy" enough, to remember.  I thought, I lost my capability of "tracking" things..even small things...I started to be somewhat afraid, that I became numb to the wonders of the world..I started to doubt if I can still hear the moon whispering, or my ears gave in, and let it be overriden by the noise of the city...I started to doubt, if I can still take long trips into the labyrinth of imagination.  I need to confess, for a while I thought, this is what poets, writers might define as "crisis".  But then I realized, that these above mentioned qualities of mine have not vanished, just the huge driving force behind, that pushed them within me until I managed to set them free somehow has been blown away by the cold winter wind of 2012 january.  Last year was filled with melancholy, contemplation, pain, self pity, self blame, and a tireless battle between my heart and mind...between my ego, and my soul.  The result was: a creative period on one hand, and too much thinking, too much analizing on the other hand.  With the beginning of this year something changed..so quickly I was not even able to capture the moment, when it all turned...when my crashed, direction lost/aimless train was put back on track. 

It is not much use to talk always/only about the past, yet when I had to summarize my last year, in order to sort things out within me I was not proud of myself.  I know that, it all happened for a reason...I could have overcome hardships easier/quicker, but I didn't..and funnily enough today, I think, that it's quite all right that I didn't.  We are all different, some need less time, some more to make peace with themselves.  Some like to bury things deep down, and go on, some like to keep them at hand, look at it from all sides, trying to solve what Fate's puzzle.  I don't feel ashamed because it took me a bit longer to find the balance, rather because in the gruesome battle I did not manage my energy correctly.  I focused too much on blaming myself for all that happened, and also invested too much into self pity.  As a result, I did not give all the love, and attention to those, who love me, and support me.  All they wanted is to see/make me happy, and all they got in return was a closed, cold person, who locks herself into a stone tower, not letting anyone near, trying to avoid being hurt.  I slowly forgot that I am a precious creation of God, just like anyone else, and I gave up trusting that somehow, some day it will all work out..this hardened my heart, and this all just added a great deal to the basic scenario, which was filled with apathy. 

Yet, there is light..a shining light at the end of the tunnel!  Yesterday evening, a friend of mine came over.  I hurt him, though I did not inted to..after a hard day I grew impatient and did not answer him in a polite manner. I regretted those words, right after they were said.  I sent him a message to ask for forgiveness, but I knew too well, forgiving is not always easy. Yesterday evening was our "peace negotiation".  We went walking around the lake, and circled there for 1 and a half hour, then he came in for tea, and shisha.  He left at 3 am.  We had a really enjoyable, and meaningful talk.  I really honour him, for being honest, even if at times it proves to be difficult to say what you feel...and I look up to him, because unlike many others, he is not afraid to express his love, and he has a huge! heart, filled with much much love.  He is one of those people, who does not measure people by how they look, or what they own.  He has a good instinct of being able to see behind the masks...he has the capability of capturing one's soul.  He was able to see my soul right from the beginning through my eyes, and it's something that needs to be treasured, because there are not many who take the effort to do that. Though we talked till early morning I did not feel tired, his optimism kept me fresh and energized....and :) we discussed our little "quarrel" and made peace with each other, which eased my heart, because the weight of unfair/bad deeds - though I tried to neglect it - was truly squeezing me inside.

Today I really wanted to go to church.  I know that the mass will start at noon, but after such a short night I was not sure if I'll be able to make it.  However I woke up on time, and decided to use this opportunity, got dressed and headed to the Basilica.  In the past months I was not really visiting the church.  How come? one might ask, as it was a habit of mine from childhood. Well...I gave up...every time I went there last year, I went there with my problems, which I expected God to resolve.  All I had in me were favours, and requests, which I wanted God to fulfill.  Nice, huh?  I could not cope with the fact, that His will is not the same as my will, so I decided, ok, then we do not have any more business together.  I was still praying before falling asleep, but I could sense the change in my heart which kept me away from the church.  I lost hope, and what is worst, I stopped trusting Him, and believing, that everything is for the benefit of those who believe in Him.  Well today, like the prodigal son, I entered His house...this marvelous masterpiece of architecture. I sat down in a corner that was bathing in the golden sunrays of the winter son.  The sunlight's golden effect was even more emphasized as it made its way through a stained glass windown, that had the picture of the rising sun on it.  I sat there, in this mystical light, seeing from the corner of my eyest how the sunrays give a glamouros, glittering tone to my hair and face and like the lost ones in the desert when they find an oasis with water, could not get enough of it...tried to greedily soak in the phenomenon.  It was in a way mystical..in a moment I was almost waiting for the angels to appear, softly descending from above...I did not really manage to pay attention to anything else, it was all too beautiful, occupying all my senses at the same time.  Then the mass started, and cloud casted shadow on the window, but the calmess the gorgeous moment brought with itself remained.  It spread in my heart, and from then on with contentment in my soul I prayed for the wellbeing, joy and health of all those whom I love (and their families of course).  I gave thanks, and I asked for forgiveness...for not being strong enough, and giving it up...for not trusting...for being too selfish...for wanting to take the easy road only.

The magic day is coming to an end, yet I still feel its energy vibrating in me, even if the rest of the day was spent with rather materialistic things (shopping :) ) and with taking a dive into the infinite sea of dreams (watching Underworld 4 in the cinema :) ) - it established a solid ground within me, that no matter what, there must be hope and faith, and love, and instead of giving up on these things easily in the hard times, we must endure, and keep believing...because if not, then all is left is emptiness...a sole shell, maybe hard, maybe withstanding the storms for a while..but it's without life...not serving its purpose...to shield that precious core inside.