Broken, but so content - way to go snow panthers

This past weekend, we decided again with the boys, that we'd hit the slopes!  We really were keen on getting on the boards and practice..the temperature was promised to be indeed very cold, so I packed a number of warm sweaters, just in case.  I knew it will probably not help, when we'll be outside in the ski park, but still, thought it could come handy when once relaxing in the hotel room. 

Waking up very early in the morning, after a rather tiring week was truly not my cup of tea.  I even started to think if I'm quite normal for choosing to get out of the cozy, warm bed, when outside it's still dark and cold, but finally my "promise" that I would join the "snow panthers" - that's how we call our little team - was stronger, and unwillingly I looked in the evil face of the icy morning, and jumped out of bed..then froze..put on 4 layers of clothing, picked up my board, and headed the tram station. 

I'm not sure how it is with other people, but I know that in my case, very often I become the puppet of moods.  They come and go, and in the meantime, pull me here and there, whereever they want...if I'm weak, or I don't realize their "guiding" hands, I give in to them, and let myself carried away, I become numb and serve as a toy, exposed to their good/bad will.  I am not sure what triggers this, but there are moments, when the atmosphere of a certain moment in the past (a moment which I might not even managed to capture fully) pours on me in a moment of the future..it absorves me, and in a way blinds me...Now this happened on the tram as well...when I was getting off it, the lack of someone waiting there for me just pulled the string around my heart tighter...I really am not sure where this feeling was coming from...I did not feel lonely at all in the past months, I was, and am fine with how my life is, but still..as I stepped out of the tram, somehow the moment resembled much to a moment when I was getting off of a bus,and someone was waiting there for me.  After pulling myself together a bit, I started to think...tried to analize it, why I had this feeling, where was it coming from, but...not surprisingly, my brain was of not much help in understanding it...all I could conclude is that...people can make loud testimonies about how much they value their independence, and how great it is, how free they are thanks to being independent...there are times, when people, like me, get fed up with it, and they wish they'd be guided, waited for, taken somewhere, cared for...and I beleive it's absolutely right like this.

Ok, so after this short "emotional turn" back to my story about my Saturday.  I arrived to my friend's car and we headed North East.  After arriving to the hotel, we changed our clothes, took the boards and happily marched to the hills.  The 2 days I spent with practising.  I was OK with sliding on the back edge of the board, but did not manage to do the same with the first edge.  Hmmm...it was really a challenge!  I realized, that no wonder so many examples (when talking about life, attitudes towards life, and advices about life) are taken from the world of sports...I really wished to be able to improve and get a level closer to being advanced when it comes to snowboarding, but...for the results you need to pay...you need to put several coins of patience, endurance and will on the counter...Yep.  I fell many times..at first I was brave, and slid down very fast, because at that point there was no pain..no aching muscles in my body...but after the 3rd really big fall, I started to become more careful.  Towards the end of the day I could barely walk, and I felt like I cannot survive another fall on my knees, or on my backside..in fact even my wrists were somewhat "defected", therefore I was so much concentrating on not falling, that whenever my attention wandered away just for a little while, I fell again.  That was the stage of "time to stop", not forcing it, not feeling pressured...letting it settle, and go on. 

The next day kept some frustration still, as I was still not satisfied with my results, but then!  Tina, my friend's sister explained me the techniques, and I tried and tried, and succeeded in something (sliding on the front edge) which I did not even dare to imagine.  The road there was not easy: I had to fight myself...had to keep on telling myself that I am capable of doing it, therefore I cannot give it up...despite of all the pain within me I need to keep on going...I had to start believing in myself.  Also I had to let it loose, try, but not focused only on the success itself, but knowing that it will take a while, I just need to endure and be patient.  Last but not at least, I had to ask for help..this certainly quickened things, because if it was up to me, I would not have been able to discover the right techniques, or it would have certainly taken longer.  That is just all very similar to challenges we need to face in our lives too...work, or private...success...true results never come easy..we need to work for them! 

On Sunday, after the last sliding down, I knew I was not capable of more...both of my knees have been by that time covered with a huge brown patch...and even if the pants touched it, it hurt..it was swollen, making it grow twice its normal size...so I decided to chill out a bit, and while waiting for the other snow panther boys and girl, I visited the little restaurant, on the top of the hill.  From there I got a great view over the skiers, and snowboarders, and while I was sipping my hot coffee with milk, my mind & imagination was let free.  A good music was playing on the radio, the sun was almost setting, but its last rays coated the hilltop, the restaurant and its wooden inerior with a mild golden glamour...a certain kind of peacefulness, contentment and joy accelerated through my veins....it was as if everything that was happening around me was already recorded in the past and now its a replay, but in slow motion...except for me, because my speed was my normal speed, but as I saw things slowing down around me I also started to sink into this soft, quiet, merry world...the sunrays were still winking at me from behind the snow covered trees, it was Sunday...and I felt nowhere else could I feel so perfect...that everything is in its place, only here...sitting by the bar, my fingers wrapped around my mug filled with steaming coffee. 

After I drank my coffee, I went outside to the terrace, to check if I can catch sight of the boys.  While waiting there, marveling at the beauty of the frozen nature, I was listening to some songs...I realized, that if I pick the right songs, they are able to serve as water for the little seed of unknown emotions in me.  Some songs are able to magnify some of my moods, enabling me to melt into them more...unite with them more...and this was the case on this Sunday late afternoon as well.  I was standing there, looking at the endless forests, the thick, layer of fluffy snow, this noble, still, elegant world, and was listening to 2 songs from Lana Del Rey (blue jeans, and video games), and her very exotic/peculiar voice just raised this already vibrating, tingling feeling with me..this feeling of infinity & perfection combo.  I'm not even sure I am able to describe the scale of this feeling, but I know that it was very intense...it convinced me that everything is in its place, and that the world, and within this world our soul as well is beyond any borders...

Special thanks to the snow panthers for this fantastic, enriching weekend, and also for the magnificent video capturing all the joyous moments :)