Crossroads

Following my daily routine, I walked home from one of the metro stations yesterday.  It was pretty late, almost midnight, yet I saw a number of youngsters, nicely dressed up, waiting for the tram, that will take them to the party, where they can drink, dance, meet people, and forget about the world.  I was just about to forget about the world as well, but in a somewhat different way...the wind was blowing hardly as I crossed the bridge, but this did not prevent me to stop for a while, and marvel at the river below...By now almost all of the ice pieces have melted...only some thin ones were making their way south, reflecting the face of the frozen North carved on their surface.  I know that it's just February still, but I could already feel the spring's promise in that wind yesterday evening.  It was not as if little knifes were cutting under my coat, it was mild, playful, and frisky.  I inhaled it, and with a sad smile said goodbye to the winter. 

I was almost at home...I only needed to cross 1 street and then again...a couple meters and I arrive...but this time instead of crossing the streets on the pedestrian crossing, I decided to just shorten the way...it was late already, no cars..no people were passing by...and just when I was in the intersection of the two streets I decided to stop...I felt a strange kind of vibration within me, like if I was in the middle of something...where the two legs of the letter "X" meet....I looked above..clouds were rushing on the sky, and no stars could be spotted...then I looked around me..I am always used to walking next to the buildings, or on big..open avenues..I never really managed to observe what it is like to be in the middle of a crossroad...to my left & right...in front of me and behind me roads running somewhere...roads with limited width, thanks to the enormous buildings on their sides.  I was standing there, lost in thought, clinging on to my freshly received Krtko calendar (which I received via the post from my friend Honza, and which made me extremely happy for the whole day)...the wind was blowing, the street lamps were hesitatingly paying attention to what I was doing..or rather, curiously waiting which path I'll choose.  I knew the road that was about to take me home, yet I did not wish to move...I wanted to stay there, giving myself fully to the moment...the moment of quiet observation...this special perspective I've just discovered. The face of the night city is so much different...so much more mysterious in many ways...but my tiredness won over me, and I left the magical spot, after carving its atmosphere into my memory. 

This morning indeed I slept long.  I woke up well rested, ready for the day.  Today's agenda was in fact short, I could summarize it with one word: cleaning.  Yeah, in the past 2 weeks, I did not have much time to spare, and the comfort level of my home has undergone a serious drop as a result.  This lead to me feeling more grumpy, and not at peace in my flat.  Therefore today I did my best to cast out all the junk and unnecessary things from my home, making it a pleasant, heart warming place to be..and whilst cleaning I realized, that everybody - but me certainly - gets what she/he deserves.  Now, you might be interested in how I managed to conclude it from cleaning, but not to worry, I'll explain. 

I was moving some tables, and emptying boxes..throwing away papers and such...but of course, before getting rid of anything I checked what they were..and..like last time, I found some letters, which dated back to 2009...I sat down and read them, they were letters from the Mikulas (written by his helper Michal), and from the Macska Society (I will not explain the whole story, but in a nutshell, I was working as an agent for the Macska Society, and I came across some letters, which gave me a detailed description of my assignments, and also introduced me my co-agent, named Milo, to whom -as I was advised in the letter - I could turn to, whatever difficulties I am facing).  After reading them, I could not really get myself to continue the work right away, because...the memories flooded my whole soul, and it took some time to get back to the "daily tasks".  I was marveling at how really playful our love has been...how many different games we used to play, how many surprises and creative things were involved...how we liked to imagine that we are someone else..agents, or Santa, or the owner of the moths' choir...how much fun and joy it brought to take these "scenes" seriously, and act accordingly. Nowadays my life is much more "monotone"...it's lacking this kind of creativity...these kind of games, and I am not sure how to bring it back, but I'll definitely need to think about it, how I could make it a part of my life again, because I miss it badly.  But the question is still unanswered, how I could conclude from that, that I get what I deserve..well...when I was taking part in those games...I took it for granted...I thought it's normal..and I did not value it at the time as I should have...I thought it will always be like that...I did not nurture it, I did not give thanks for it...and now here I am, on a Saturday afternoon, missing it so much, that the lack of it pulled the string very tight around my heart...making it wanting to break into millions of pieces...true is the saying, that one only knows what treasure she/he had, when she/he had already lost it.  I'm not writing it to depress my beloved readers, I'd just like to warn everyone to be alert, and don't forget to appreciate what you have, because if you don't do so, you might loose it, and then it's too late to start appreciating it (rather just feeling the emptiness it left behind)...if it was important to you, you'll start searching for it again, but it takes a long time and much effort to have it again...at least this I definitely learned by now...not to forget appreciating things that make me smile, content and joyous, and also to give thanks for them...this way, even if they end, I won't have the guilty feeling burning in me, that it was taken away from me, because at the time of having it I didn't bother to value it.