The first 3 days of last week I spent at home...I had great plans!!! Ohh God could prove I did! I thought I'm going to be walking a lot, I'll be bbq-ing with my family, I'll be sitting in the sun, relaxing, enjoying the free time I have, and will certainly recharge my batteries...
Not by a little was I surprised when upon getting home, none of my plans were accomplished (and I again, realized the eternal truth of the saying: "man plans, God actions") I was sticking to my original idea of sleeping till long, no harm in that, but somehow the sleep did not have the effect of what I expected from it...I woke up, and felt even more tired than when I got to bed. I started to read, but I have realized that I cannot really see those letters printed in the book, and what was even more worrying from one minute to another the little black creatures came to live and started running up and down on the surface of the pages, making it seemingly difficult for me to catch them...at one point I even gave up and walked to the mirror to see if I can find some form of visible reason in my eyes for this phenomenon...not sure what I expected to spot there, but certainly not what I actually discovered! My eye (the right one) was just red, thickly enmeshed by little blood veins, all rushing towards the center of my eye, it was not hurting much but certainly felt uncomfortable and worn out..so much, that I could not keep it open, what's more I had to place a band over it, tied down by some plaster, that helped it being kept closed. I realized, that reading is now out of the list, but still did not give up, thought the walking is still an option...until it started to rain and the world wrapped itself in a grey veil, that made those friendly nearby hills disappear of sight completely...but!!! I insisted, waited for mom to return from work, hoping I can still convince her to accompany me for a walk...was even prepared to draw her attention to the fact that it is indeed possible to walk whilst carrying an umbrella...but...when she returned home I started to grow suspicious upon seeing her yawning too much (that's usually the sign of a bad stomach) and my suspicion became fact when she shared with me her feeling of unease, and went to bed straight away. I felt that my enthusiasm of going forward and accomplish my plan no matter what was somewhat decreasing: so far no reading, no walk, no bbq - thanks to the weather & the millions of mosquitoes in the garden, who only didn't attack us, because the our front door blocked them, but I could sense them all (hear them) eagerly and attentively peeking in from behind the door, ready to attack their sweet blooded prey any minute!! Well...I was not ready myself to sacrifice myself on the altar of bbq for one thing, and have never really dreamed of leaving this life behind whilst becoming the feast of the little bastards (excuse my language).
The outcome of not seeing a chance of plans/dreams coming true was that for 3 days I was doing nothing (not too proud of that, but I was certain at least it will recharge my batteries - well I was wrong..again). My eyes got worse - which I could not really understand as when I was in the office watching the screen for 10 hours it just held on...now when I was not doing anything at home, they turned blood red...I could not sleep at night, and even during the day I was not in my best mood - that was mainly down to my worries...a friend of mine has a relative in hospital, and as this friend means a lot to me, I could not stop thinking about them, and slowly adopted the pain, fear, worry. 3 days of my holiday was gone, and I got back to the capital feeling sort of awful...out of balance. Can anyone do this after me? I don't think so...but I am up for the challenge any time...
I had 2 days to work last week, which is really bearable, but...but...but...I ended up hardly bearing it...The atmosphere in the office was nice, people were lovely and caring, I had no reason to feel off track...yet I was...On the first day (besides my eyes) my back started to hurt...on the 2nd, it was my stomach...ohhh and on none of those nights could I sleep...just tossed and turned...Thankfully on Saturday I did not have to work, instead I made a very enjoyable trip to Bratislava with my friend M (in the rain) and we talked so much, melted into the beating of that cute city so much, that I finally I forgot about all my pain that sort of raided over me in the past few days...yet today is Sunday, and though I slept enough I woke up with a headache, a pain in my chest and stomach...and what I realized was, that the more I want to feel healthy the least I succeed...if you have been paying attention I very much wanted to accomplish those plans I have described, and I failed none the less...a very adorable flick from the Universe I must say! I'm "laughing" very hard indeed...but...the more I think about it...that these symptoms and pain are probably serving as an indicator for me...that there is something in me that I try to just push away, to the back of my mind, to one of those boxes behind the imaginary wardrobe within the room where my soul dwells...is it my fear of change - though deep inside I know that I crave for a change? Is it the fear of losing a certain kind of stability that I have? Because maybe I feel like I need to chose between leaving the dream (or something similar to it) or security/certainty? Is it the fear that my way of looking at things is really too idealistic, and life is not a fairy tale, but rather a tough, hard stone mine as most of the people view it? (I know it is not a fairy tale, and was not meant to be just joy and laughter, but I cannot accept that it is a stone mine - dark and depressing...I believe we have the right to search for what makes us happy, fight for it hardly of course, even bearing the necessary wounds..but at the end, this will make us responsible for our own happiness and life too!) Is it the fear that my search for happiness is in vain, because we just need to accept whatever comes along our way and accept it, like so many people do? Letting go of most of the control, and just be in control of the little things? But by that, are we not pushing the responsibility from ourselves over to the unknown? This question really gets me thinking...but for now, pleasant walk awaits me, so for a little while I shall be excused...however I'll be back in due time!!! This time I promise sooner than in a month :)
Sunday, 22 July 2012
Sunday, 15 July 2012
12.07.2012
Without exaggeration I may say, the happiest day of the year.......the day when my faith in humanity, love, and friendship has not only been brought back to me, but has been strengthened, forged together, to last the future challenges and tests of life....
I knew it will be a special day, but I thought, only for me...aaaas yep, I have reached an age, over which, though nothing really changes, society would expect you to be able to "show up" something. This something could be a marriage, kids, or at least a house, flat, car...or maybe just a plan of what you'd really lilke to achieve in life...now on the night of the 11th, it dawned on me that I had none of the above accomplished so far. I've tried to calm myself down, tried to convince myself that it is all ok, and everyone is as old as he/she feels like bla bla, but still within me there was this question mark blinking...should it really be like this? Have I done someting wrong? Did I miss an opportunity that was really there, I was just too blind to see? At one point whilst walking home after work I did grow somewhat sad, and as a comfort could only look into the future, fantasizing about my next bday, in a year's time, when hopefully upon taking into account what I have accomplished, I will be able to show up something...but then I was thinking that by this, I'm only postponing the need for action, and shifting responsibility to the future, instead of dealing with it in the present....Then my thoughts moved on a little, instead of collecting what I've missed...I started to focus on what I still can do, while I am still in my late twenties (as I knew too well, from the next day on, my age's written form will start with a 3..for a good ten years...) I had 3 hours left of my late twenties, so could not really come up with world saving ideas, but I am proud to announce that I did buy a box of raspberries, and some watermelon in the nearby shop. At first I didn't want to, thought I could live without it, but then,when I remembered, that it is probably the last time I can buy raspberries whilst being in my late twenties, I was convinced at once. As a precious trophy I carried my raspberries and watermelon proudly home. Once at home, I've opened a bottle of wine, sat down on my bed, played some music on my computer and I got lost in thoughts in no time...I went through my life, what has happened so far, what memories stick out for either being so enjoyable, or being so sad...I've tried to look at mysefl from above, to understand a bit more who I am, where I am heading, what motivates me, what are my dreams, fears...what brings me joy, what I might have talent in etc. It took me some time, and by the end of this "enumeration" I was feeling more calmed down, and even exhausted...though that could be accounted to the wine too :)
The next day, was the actual day...my bday...in advance I made the necessary preparations. I've deleted the date from facebook, as I did not want to pressurize people to wish me a happy birthday. I understand that it is hard, even impossible to remember everyone's bday, so I decided I will free my friends from this burden of freaking out when they log in at the end of the day, and see I had a birthday and they forgot to greet me etc. I decided I'll keep it quiet rather...not expecting anyone to know about it, except from my mom and dad. Was not planning a bday party either, as I still had some bad memories attached to one bday party that did not really turn out too well....so I went to the office calmly, yet carelessly...I thought that it'll be a day like any other, but I will not let myself get stressed over anything...that was the pact I made with myself :)
It was a nice day, a quiet one, some work to do, but not too busy...I've listened to music, got some sms from friends wishing me a happy bday, which really warmed my heart, had a coffee, some lunch at my desk...all in all, it was a normal day. I was to be meeting 2 friends of mine in the evening (at 7)...we get together once every month to catch up on each others' lives...and that was it.....I was planning on going home aftewards, read a bit in bed, and sleep. Yet, the universe had something else in store for me...something else that it could execute with the help of my cunning, yet most awesome, most amazing and loveliest friends...
I left the office at 6:30PM, and was to meet my friend on the Deak square from where we were to go together to the place called Piritos. When I met B. she sadly informed me that she was not able to book a table in Piritos, as they had some private meeting there, but that we could just go to another place called Kertem, as our friend ZS. who was to join us afterwards is already there with the architects (she & her partner are building a house) so with a little disappointment in my heart we headed to Varosliget. We entered the place and I started to look for ZS. in the sea of people...I knew she was wearing a mottled dress, and tried to focus my eyes, filtering the circumstances, and just concentrating on the green and purple mixture of what the dress consisted of. And at that point...there came a factor that I could not filter out (whilst scanning the crowd) it was my friend R....I looked at his face, and then went on searching for the dress, but then just went back and started to think how by accident it is that this friend of mine is also here (thought how great, he can just join us so whils we'll have a glass of wine)...but then I continued the scanning and I found another face which I knew....I started to go towards that table and to my greatest surprise I had to realize that I knew everyone around that table!!! My brain was just fuming and clicking trying to put together the puzzle...when eventually I came to a conclusion that I did not dare to admit to myself...that...these people came here this evening, because of me....I could just not believe it...could not do anything with the nice, gentle, warm feeling that filled my veins and every cell in my body....that these people around the table...have sacrificed their free time for me...they have organized this party for me in order to bring joy to my heart...only because they wanted to make me happy!!!.. and god!!! they have succeeded!!! big time!!! I could not believe that I mean that much for them, that they participated happily in making this day special for me....I've looked around...and by that time the love I felt for all of them numbed my throat, I even forgot to breathe for the fraction of a second...my ability of expressing...the ability I value the most within me left me...I just stood there, silently....struggling with tears...speechless.....did not know what to say, because words would not have been enough to explain...to describe...to express the joy I felt inside me....Thankfully, upon seeing my intimidation and joyous confusion, the party people also grew a bit silent, but then someone gained back his composure, and drew my attention to the present that awaited me, ornated with baloons, sitting in a chair.....I walked towards where I was shown to automatically, could still not capture the fact that so many people worked together in secrecy to surprise me, enchant me...to make me happy......I was swimming in the ocean of joy....for a little while my lack of self confidence retreated to its cave to lick its wounds this party has caused her....I was overtaken by the most respectful and purest feeling of loving those people around me...but then it was not just love...it was gratitude, honour, and trust mingled with it too...I've been gifted with the most awesome, most wonderful people on this Earth, whom I can call my friends...they don't even know, but they give me so much! So much energy, love that keeps me going, that keeps me smiling...that keeps me continuing to be who I am as opposed to becoming what the world wants me to be.
But back to my present...I have received a beautiful gorgeous blue and grey backpack!!! I was so but so happy to get it!!!! It looks amazing, it fits me, I love the colour, not to mention it is very useful, as I like to hike a lot! I've already put it into use this weekend, took it home with me and I must say, it's already my favourite :) There were even additional little presents hidden in the various pockets of the bag...a little turtle, and a pair of beautiful, gorgeous earrings, with the moon on them!! Those I have only realized when packing into the backpack on Saturday, 2 days after my bday...well well...my friends really know how to surprise me!!! what can I say, I'd do everything for them really...To be frank...and honest...I'm still in a sort of shock...as...I have really not expected such a surprise...it was the nicest, most memorable bday party in my life so far...and I'll forever be thankful for these people who were there, celebrating with me till dawn, drinking for my health, laughing with me...and just taking the time to spend this day with me....I'll never forget that...it will always serve as a shining star in my days of darkness, when the sadness, disilluison or the pain overwins me...I'll always think about this lovely summer evening when the love felt for each other has revelaed itself in such a peculiar, merry party under the leafy trees, in the garden......
Thank you all...all my dearest friends, all who have attended, all who wished to come, but could not due to various reasons...you must know I'm amazed by you...I love you, and I am more grateful to you than words can ever express.....thank you....you make my life such a colourful one!!!
I knew it will be a special day, but I thought, only for me...aaaas yep, I have reached an age, over which, though nothing really changes, society would expect you to be able to "show up" something. This something could be a marriage, kids, or at least a house, flat, car...or maybe just a plan of what you'd really lilke to achieve in life...now on the night of the 11th, it dawned on me that I had none of the above accomplished so far. I've tried to calm myself down, tried to convince myself that it is all ok, and everyone is as old as he/she feels like bla bla, but still within me there was this question mark blinking...should it really be like this? Have I done someting wrong? Did I miss an opportunity that was really there, I was just too blind to see? At one point whilst walking home after work I did grow somewhat sad, and as a comfort could only look into the future, fantasizing about my next bday, in a year's time, when hopefully upon taking into account what I have accomplished, I will be able to show up something...but then I was thinking that by this, I'm only postponing the need for action, and shifting responsibility to the future, instead of dealing with it in the present....Then my thoughts moved on a little, instead of collecting what I've missed...I started to focus on what I still can do, while I am still in my late twenties (as I knew too well, from the next day on, my age's written form will start with a 3..for a good ten years...) I had 3 hours left of my late twenties, so could not really come up with world saving ideas, but I am proud to announce that I did buy a box of raspberries, and some watermelon in the nearby shop. At first I didn't want to, thought I could live without it, but then,when I remembered, that it is probably the last time I can buy raspberries whilst being in my late twenties, I was convinced at once. As a precious trophy I carried my raspberries and watermelon proudly home. Once at home, I've opened a bottle of wine, sat down on my bed, played some music on my computer and I got lost in thoughts in no time...I went through my life, what has happened so far, what memories stick out for either being so enjoyable, or being so sad...I've tried to look at mysefl from above, to understand a bit more who I am, where I am heading, what motivates me, what are my dreams, fears...what brings me joy, what I might have talent in etc. It took me some time, and by the end of this "enumeration" I was feeling more calmed down, and even exhausted...though that could be accounted to the wine too :)
The next day, was the actual day...my bday...in advance I made the necessary preparations. I've deleted the date from facebook, as I did not want to pressurize people to wish me a happy birthday. I understand that it is hard, even impossible to remember everyone's bday, so I decided I will free my friends from this burden of freaking out when they log in at the end of the day, and see I had a birthday and they forgot to greet me etc. I decided I'll keep it quiet rather...not expecting anyone to know about it, except from my mom and dad. Was not planning a bday party either, as I still had some bad memories attached to one bday party that did not really turn out too well....so I went to the office calmly, yet carelessly...I thought that it'll be a day like any other, but I will not let myself get stressed over anything...that was the pact I made with myself :)
It was a nice day, a quiet one, some work to do, but not too busy...I've listened to music, got some sms from friends wishing me a happy bday, which really warmed my heart, had a coffee, some lunch at my desk...all in all, it was a normal day. I was to be meeting 2 friends of mine in the evening (at 7)...we get together once every month to catch up on each others' lives...and that was it.....I was planning on going home aftewards, read a bit in bed, and sleep. Yet, the universe had something else in store for me...something else that it could execute with the help of my cunning, yet most awesome, most amazing and loveliest friends...
I left the office at 6:30PM, and was to meet my friend on the Deak square from where we were to go together to the place called Piritos. When I met B. she sadly informed me that she was not able to book a table in Piritos, as they had some private meeting there, but that we could just go to another place called Kertem, as our friend ZS. who was to join us afterwards is already there with the architects (she & her partner are building a house) so with a little disappointment in my heart we headed to Varosliget. We entered the place and I started to look for ZS. in the sea of people...I knew she was wearing a mottled dress, and tried to focus my eyes, filtering the circumstances, and just concentrating on the green and purple mixture of what the dress consisted of. And at that point...there came a factor that I could not filter out (whilst scanning the crowd) it was my friend R....I looked at his face, and then went on searching for the dress, but then just went back and started to think how by accident it is that this friend of mine is also here (thought how great, he can just join us so whils we'll have a glass of wine)...but then I continued the scanning and I found another face which I knew....I started to go towards that table and to my greatest surprise I had to realize that I knew everyone around that table!!! My brain was just fuming and clicking trying to put together the puzzle...when eventually I came to a conclusion that I did not dare to admit to myself...that...these people came here this evening, because of me....I could just not believe it...could not do anything with the nice, gentle, warm feeling that filled my veins and every cell in my body....that these people around the table...have sacrificed their free time for me...they have organized this party for me in order to bring joy to my heart...only because they wanted to make me happy!!!.. and god!!! they have succeeded!!! big time!!! I could not believe that I mean that much for them, that they participated happily in making this day special for me....I've looked around...and by that time the love I felt for all of them numbed my throat, I even forgot to breathe for the fraction of a second...my ability of expressing...the ability I value the most within me left me...I just stood there, silently....struggling with tears...speechless.....did not know what to say, because words would not have been enough to explain...to describe...to express the joy I felt inside me....Thankfully, upon seeing my intimidation and joyous confusion, the party people also grew a bit silent, but then someone gained back his composure, and drew my attention to the present that awaited me, ornated with baloons, sitting in a chair.....I walked towards where I was shown to automatically, could still not capture the fact that so many people worked together in secrecy to surprise me, enchant me...to make me happy......I was swimming in the ocean of joy....for a little while my lack of self confidence retreated to its cave to lick its wounds this party has caused her....I was overtaken by the most respectful and purest feeling of loving those people around me...but then it was not just love...it was gratitude, honour, and trust mingled with it too...I've been gifted with the most awesome, most wonderful people on this Earth, whom I can call my friends...they don't even know, but they give me so much! So much energy, love that keeps me going, that keeps me smiling...that keeps me continuing to be who I am as opposed to becoming what the world wants me to be.
But back to my present...I have received a beautiful gorgeous blue and grey backpack!!! I was so but so happy to get it!!!! It looks amazing, it fits me, I love the colour, not to mention it is very useful, as I like to hike a lot! I've already put it into use this weekend, took it home with me and I must say, it's already my favourite :) There were even additional little presents hidden in the various pockets of the bag...a little turtle, and a pair of beautiful, gorgeous earrings, with the moon on them!! Those I have only realized when packing into the backpack on Saturday, 2 days after my bday...well well...my friends really know how to surprise me!!! what can I say, I'd do everything for them really...To be frank...and honest...I'm still in a sort of shock...as...I have really not expected such a surprise...it was the nicest, most memorable bday party in my life so far...and I'll forever be thankful for these people who were there, celebrating with me till dawn, drinking for my health, laughing with me...and just taking the time to spend this day with me....I'll never forget that...it will always serve as a shining star in my days of darkness, when the sadness, disilluison or the pain overwins me...I'll always think about this lovely summer evening when the love felt for each other has revelaed itself in such a peculiar, merry party under the leafy trees, in the garden......
Thank you all...all my dearest friends, all who have attended, all who wished to come, but could not due to various reasons...you must know I'm amazed by you...I love you, and I am more grateful to you than words can ever express.....thank you....you make my life such a colourful one!!!
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