There is thought on my mind that I keep on finding the answer to...why is it that most people would change their life completely..or...quite much if they knew they only had 1 more week to live...
1. We must think we know when we are going to die...otherwise, this special day, counted from which we have just one more week to live could be any day..and so, we could be living like how we would live if we knew we had not much left every day...but apparently...not many people are doing that, so they must "blind" themselves with some fake reassurance that they know when they are going to die...or at least when they are not going to...I suppose they have a fake assurance of being in control of their lives in all fields...control...control...is it so important to be always in control? controlling ourselves, letting fate control us?
2. We do not know when we are going to die..but so then, it can happen any time, and therefore we should be taking advantage of the present, doing everything that is very important for us, so that if the time comes, we would not feel we missed something very important..and there would not be regrets...
Hmm...I think we cannot know when we are going to die..as fate is really not something we can foresee, and yet, we live as if we were sure of being granted 60 or more years. I understand some barriers of course...in the last week of their life maybe many people would not want to work (would not help society much these days)..maybe..without thinking a bit more of it many would say..ohh I'd like to go here and there, see this and that...but..I think..if they truly knew they had just a week left...they could not enjoy a certain sight so much..as it would not matter so much...what would really matter (at least to me) would be to be with the ones I love..to sit calmly in the company of those I love and savour the last moments I have with them...to tell them I love them, and to say thanks to them...
I have the feeling that we are postponing things, because we have the time...but...why wait to do something what we could do today...especially if it is important for us? Why wait and risk of letting the chance go by? Why allowing our ego tricking us, telling us that we have so much time, and we can do it later, while if we don't do it, then it can happen, that it causes a huge wound in us that will not let our heart rest later on? I think there are too many so called "circumstances" which make it harder for us to realize what is truly important..and time is a very cunning thing as well...it makes us believe we have plenty of it, though it is not at all sure....I hereby would like to thank the person bringing this question to my attention...from now on I will not be stingy with my love...I will tell/make the people feel it ...because..life is short...and what matters to me the most...what I value the most...is my love to my dear ones, and their love to me...
Monday, 29 August 2011
Vision 2
For many long months she felt confused...she...who was sure of nothing, but being able to hear what her heart has to say to her..got discouraged...she was the opposer of giving in for the brain at all times, in all circumstances..finally started to think..she felt like her feelings, emotions..her intuition tricked her...for a long time she managed to stand against the storm, like a young willow tree, swaying in the strong wind...as people's opinion about her feelings hit her..but a point came, when she was at the edge of the cliff, ready to give in...close her heart away, being frustrated that this heart tricked her...she was sure that she felt the connection, she was thinking there is something in the background that is yet new to her, therefore cannot capture...but she was sure of the elemental force connecting her to the secret world they formed together...she was feeling that this world had 2 entrances..one known to her..and one known to the one, she shared this world with...but at one point her logic..brain..and "proofs" heard from others started to overtake her...and slowly the door to the secret world started to diminish...and then...a miracle happened...despite of all her indifference and loss of hope...someone grabbed her hand and took her to the door...she was saved...she was reassured...that she was not wrong...what she felt was true...her heart was wise, and did not betray her...
It was on that day, that she felt an immense joy because she did not have to bury the secret world...she did not have to give in to her brain, and ego...she felt so happy by this recognition, that she wished to enter that secret world, full of surprises and miracles right away...it was already dusk...the day was preparing for sleeping...but she was not...she was wearing a deep blue dress..made of silk...embroidered with stars and the moon...if you know the painting of Mucha, titled "Moon" you can get a better picture of what she had on...the field..the velvety light green field was turning to deep green...so seducing...calling her...promising her all the softness her feet could ever experience...so cheerfully she took a step, and made her way towards the field...the grass was wet with dew, and the little waterdrops playfully tickled her feet...she smiled at the setting sun and said goodbye...her time had come...she was about to enter another dimension..a different world, where everything has a silvery tone to it...where there are legends, and mystic tales swinging about in the air...as she kept on walking, the first stars appeared on the sky...shining like gemstones, reminding her of the multitude of universes she was so keen on discovering...they always were her friends...so reliable, so precious...guiding the lost travelers, promising everlasting heaven to the lovers. Fireflies started to raise...like little lanterns making the field look like the perfect imitation of the sky...she had to laugh upon realizing the similarity..as above so below...as outside, so inside...she crossed the meadow, and found herself on the shores of a crystal clear lake..there were no waves, only a fresh breeze playing with her chestnut brown hair..she knew she had to wait...she sank deep into marveling at the peacefully sleeping swan couple nearby, sat down and listened carefully. She was free...free to give in...to give away, to melt into, to dissolve.....in this moment, she captured sight of the waking moon...the goddess.... her friend, listener, supporter and storyteller...as the moon grew more and more rounded she could feel the energy about her changing...the little animals in the grass became more fidgety...everyone was getting prepared to welcome the mystical power the night was radiating....she slowly started to get rid of her dress...soon there she was, in the silvery light, on the shore of the lake, her curves casting the shadow of an hour glass behind her.....she was ready to dive into the silky water...with a jump she was in...the water wrapped her body..soothed her skin, and allowed her to feel weightless...she let out a deep sigh, followed by a loud laugh..the surface of the lake by now was covered in silver, the little waterdrops created by her splashing rolled away like pearls..she looked at the moon, and took a glimpse of her face...much like her own..pale skin..translucent, blue shimmering eyes...smiling at her..taking care of her...sharing this magical world with her...she took a dive again, laughed again and thanked the moon again...The moon knew too well what lay on her heart...knew what she's been through and did not want her to doubt her heart again..therefore she gave her a gift...it was delivered on moonrays, guarded by night fairies that dance around children's bed while they are sleeping and the moon caresses their face...it was a stone...a white, translucent stone...with a blue shimmer...some thought it to be the tear of the night queen...The girl took it with gratitude in her heart...and looked at her magnificent friend...the moon said to her only this: Trust the wisdom of your heart...for a while she could not help to be puzzled...such wise words carved into a S T O N E ....something that was thought to be so rigid, and cold..not possible to form, only if broken....but she knew the moon had her reasons...so she looked at the stone once more, enclosed it in her palm, and promised herself that she will never let her ears be deaf to what her heart has to tell her again....
This weekend I bought a moonstone pendant..and truly I take it as a special stone..and I thought it is worth expressing my connection to it through the tale above...
It was on that day, that she felt an immense joy because she did not have to bury the secret world...she did not have to give in to her brain, and ego...she felt so happy by this recognition, that she wished to enter that secret world, full of surprises and miracles right away...it was already dusk...the day was preparing for sleeping...but she was not...she was wearing a deep blue dress..made of silk...embroidered with stars and the moon...if you know the painting of Mucha, titled "Moon" you can get a better picture of what she had on...the field..the velvety light green field was turning to deep green...so seducing...calling her...promising her all the softness her feet could ever experience...so cheerfully she took a step, and made her way towards the field...the grass was wet with dew, and the little waterdrops playfully tickled her feet...she smiled at the setting sun and said goodbye...her time had come...she was about to enter another dimension..a different world, where everything has a silvery tone to it...where there are legends, and mystic tales swinging about in the air...as she kept on walking, the first stars appeared on the sky...shining like gemstones, reminding her of the multitude of universes she was so keen on discovering...they always were her friends...so reliable, so precious...guiding the lost travelers, promising everlasting heaven to the lovers. Fireflies started to raise...like little lanterns making the field look like the perfect imitation of the sky...she had to laugh upon realizing the similarity..as above so below...as outside, so inside...she crossed the meadow, and found herself on the shores of a crystal clear lake..there were no waves, only a fresh breeze playing with her chestnut brown hair..she knew she had to wait...she sank deep into marveling at the peacefully sleeping swan couple nearby, sat down and listened carefully. She was free...free to give in...to give away, to melt into, to dissolve.....in this moment, she captured sight of the waking moon...the goddess.... her friend, listener, supporter and storyteller...as the moon grew more and more rounded she could feel the energy about her changing...the little animals in the grass became more fidgety...everyone was getting prepared to welcome the mystical power the night was radiating....she slowly started to get rid of her dress...soon there she was, in the silvery light, on the shore of the lake, her curves casting the shadow of an hour glass behind her.....she was ready to dive into the silky water...with a jump she was in...the water wrapped her body..soothed her skin, and allowed her to feel weightless...she let out a deep sigh, followed by a loud laugh..the surface of the lake by now was covered in silver, the little waterdrops created by her splashing rolled away like pearls..she looked at the moon, and took a glimpse of her face...much like her own..pale skin..translucent, blue shimmering eyes...smiling at her..taking care of her...sharing this magical world with her...she took a dive again, laughed again and thanked the moon again...The moon knew too well what lay on her heart...knew what she's been through and did not want her to doubt her heart again..therefore she gave her a gift...it was delivered on moonrays, guarded by night fairies that dance around children's bed while they are sleeping and the moon caresses their face...it was a stone...a white, translucent stone...with a blue shimmer...some thought it to be the tear of the night queen...The girl took it with gratitude in her heart...and looked at her magnificent friend...the moon said to her only this: Trust the wisdom of your heart...for a while she could not help to be puzzled...such wise words carved into a S T O N E ....something that was thought to be so rigid, and cold..not possible to form, only if broken....but she knew the moon had her reasons...so she looked at the stone once more, enclosed it in her palm, and promised herself that she will never let her ears be deaf to what her heart has to tell her again....
This weekend I bought a moonstone pendant..and truly I take it as a special stone..and I thought it is worth expressing my connection to it through the tale above...
Monday, 22 August 2011
Vision 1
It would be complicated to write down all what I've been through the last couple of days...it is something that lies very deep within the soul...in the midst of a broken heart...there are no words to describe...but...as I like to use other tools (music, images) as well to share my secret world with my readers...I decided to give it a try, and hand over a bit more role to those tools for helping me make those hearts that read my words fly away to the places where I have been...
I'd like you to go to the following link:
http://www.google.hu/imgres?q=autumn&hl=en&sa=X&biw=1280&bih=604&tbm=isch&prmd=ivns&tbnid=arpkKsDAiY9G3M:&imgrefurl=http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/32858998/&docid=z_iqzcZfxUZnLM&w=800&h=600&ei=gZZSTq7SEJLN4QTVkuytBw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=771&vpy=322&dur=487&hovh=125&hovw=192&tx=158&ty=78&page=5&tbnh=125&tbnw=192&start=65&ndsp=16&ved=1t:429,r:3,s:65
Yeah it is a bit long..but there you should find a picture...of an autumn road, with leaves, red like the blood.
Then I'd like you to turn on the following music (Fever Ray: Keep the streets empty for me):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWFb5z3kUSQ don't look at the video...I'd like to use the music to take you somewhere I'm keen on showing...
Now ..when you have the music, and the picture, just listen...and imagine...
A girl.....in the middle of the autumn road..wearing a long robe...that is dark red like the blood...it is in harmony with the leaves around her she melts into the forest as she stands there in the middle of this blazing hallway...she wears a hood on her head...it hides her eyes...you may only see her snow white skin...thick red lips, partly open as she inhales the autumn air....pale face...and some reckless hair...the colour of ripe chestnut...she is standing there in the middle of the road...motionless...as the red leaves are falling...all over her...you can only see her back, you have no idea what she is thinking about, but there is something mystical in the air around her, in the way she is standing there..you feel that she is unapproachable..you don't want to tame or bother her..you'd only wish to look at her, to get close to her..to let her take you away.....you suspect, that.she is of a rare kind, someone who, if she wanted could take you to far away universes, who would be able to show you a piece of heaven on Earth...who could let you get lost in her magic, if she found you worthy of letting you get close enough... she is an inimitable combination of a witch, an angel, and a playful girl.......she starts to walk slowly as the wind wakes up, and shakes the trees to give their summer memories to her in the form of their leaves...there is nothing around her, only her blood red rope floating after her as she goes deeper and deeper in the red brown tunnel....she has walked miles...from the security and warmth of the village..she is like an outcast....she was exiled, because she was different, if someone looked into her eyes, he/she could see the reflection of his/her true self..and that's not something people would always want to confront..they are better of with the picture created of themselves in their head..but in the eyes of this girl their very soul was shown to them....to avoid people needing to look deeper into themselves she needs to wear the hood, preventing her to look at anyone on her way.....and after all that is why she needed to flee to the bosom of nature, where there is time for everything...where there is so much beauty and love exhaled through the pores of the soil, the trees, where there is trust...and emotions can be shown..no tactics, no plays..just feelings..deep feelings, trust...no tricks..no masks..just beauty in all forms, sounds and tastes....she is not sure where she's going to...but she is going away...deep into the comforting red purple world of the forest....she knows that this is the time when things get ripe..her favourite season the fall...time for harvesting...time for colouring before giving way to the kingdom of the icy whiteness..she feels like she is invisible..she walks softly, her legs are not bounded by weight, it is as if she is stepping on pillows, while a rattling sound, from the shivering leaves accompanies her ...as she walks on, the first light snowflakes appear on her cloak...she is not in the forest any more, but on the plateau going towards the mountain top...in the vastness of snow covered fields, her red blood figure stands out...she cannot feel the cold, she keeps on walking, until reaching...what? she does not know...she just needs to go on...to explore, to take in, to inhale, smell and melt..into what is around her...melt, and at the same time stand out...she does not even recognize...but little flowers appear along her footsteps..a fragranted meadow makes her stop for a while..the buzzing of bees, the liveliness of the forest makes her remember that it is the time of rebirth..nature has completed a cycle again, and after the stillness of the winter, spring has brought with itself the joy, the merry days she almost forgot...she spent so much time with her travel she was so lost in her dreams and memories...she stops for a while, folds her hood back and looks up....her blue eyes are the perfect reflection of the undisturbed, fresh spring sky...her hair...happy to be freed from the cloak enjoys the caress of the gentle breeze...she decides to sit down and soak in the beauty and joy around her...she stays there for an august night, and marvels at the multitude of brilliant stars shining from above...she looks for the different signs, and happily acknowledges, that she still remembers them...after finding them all, she goes to sleep with a deep sigh, and spends a dreamful night on her bed made of hay......as she wakes up..she find herself on that road again..from where she started...the beginning...when her heart was heavy and she fled...she kneels there...as the red blood leaves keep falling around her and the wind captures the edge of her robe trying his best to steal it from her... it's autumn..again....her favourite season..and...she is waiting......
This vision played in my head the other day upon lighting a candle, laying down on the carpet, and listening to the above mentioned music..then a perfect image/photo was found (and added to the tale) to help you get a ticket for the ride...hope you enjoyed it...
I'd like you to go to the following link:
http://www.google.hu/imgres?q=autumn&hl=en&sa=X&biw=1280&bih=604&tbm=isch&prmd=ivns&tbnid=arpkKsDAiY9G3M:&imgrefurl=http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/32858998/&docid=z_iqzcZfxUZnLM&w=800&h=600&ei=gZZSTq7SEJLN4QTVkuytBw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=771&vpy=322&dur=487&hovh=125&hovw=192&tx=158&ty=78&page=5&tbnh=125&tbnw=192&start=65&ndsp=16&ved=1t:429,r:3,s:65
Yeah it is a bit long..but there you should find a picture...of an autumn road, with leaves, red like the blood.
Then I'd like you to turn on the following music (Fever Ray: Keep the streets empty for me):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWFb5z3kUSQ don't look at the video...I'd like to use the music to take you somewhere I'm keen on showing...
Now ..when you have the music, and the picture, just listen...and imagine...
A girl.....in the middle of the autumn road..wearing a long robe...that is dark red like the blood...it is in harmony with the leaves around her she melts into the forest as she stands there in the middle of this blazing hallway...she wears a hood on her head...it hides her eyes...you may only see her snow white skin...thick red lips, partly open as she inhales the autumn air....pale face...and some reckless hair...the colour of ripe chestnut...she is standing there in the middle of the road...motionless...as the red leaves are falling...all over her...you can only see her back, you have no idea what she is thinking about, but there is something mystical in the air around her, in the way she is standing there..you feel that she is unapproachable..you don't want to tame or bother her..you'd only wish to look at her, to get close to her..to let her take you away.....you suspect, that.she is of a rare kind, someone who, if she wanted could take you to far away universes, who would be able to show you a piece of heaven on Earth...who could let you get lost in her magic, if she found you worthy of letting you get close enough... she is an inimitable combination of a witch, an angel, and a playful girl.......she starts to walk slowly as the wind wakes up, and shakes the trees to give their summer memories to her in the form of their leaves...there is nothing around her, only her blood red rope floating after her as she goes deeper and deeper in the red brown tunnel....she has walked miles...from the security and warmth of the village..she is like an outcast....she was exiled, because she was different, if someone looked into her eyes, he/she could see the reflection of his/her true self..and that's not something people would always want to confront..they are better of with the picture created of themselves in their head..but in the eyes of this girl their very soul was shown to them....to avoid people needing to look deeper into themselves she needs to wear the hood, preventing her to look at anyone on her way.....and after all that is why she needed to flee to the bosom of nature, where there is time for everything...where there is so much beauty and love exhaled through the pores of the soil, the trees, where there is trust...and emotions can be shown..no tactics, no plays..just feelings..deep feelings, trust...no tricks..no masks..just beauty in all forms, sounds and tastes....she is not sure where she's going to...but she is going away...deep into the comforting red purple world of the forest....she knows that this is the time when things get ripe..her favourite season the fall...time for harvesting...time for colouring before giving way to the kingdom of the icy whiteness..she feels like she is invisible..she walks softly, her legs are not bounded by weight, it is as if she is stepping on pillows, while a rattling sound, from the shivering leaves accompanies her ...as she walks on, the first light snowflakes appear on her cloak...she is not in the forest any more, but on the plateau going towards the mountain top...in the vastness of snow covered fields, her red blood figure stands out...she cannot feel the cold, she keeps on walking, until reaching...what? she does not know...she just needs to go on...to explore, to take in, to inhale, smell and melt..into what is around her...melt, and at the same time stand out...she does not even recognize...but little flowers appear along her footsteps..a fragranted meadow makes her stop for a while..the buzzing of bees, the liveliness of the forest makes her remember that it is the time of rebirth..nature has completed a cycle again, and after the stillness of the winter, spring has brought with itself the joy, the merry days she almost forgot...she spent so much time with her travel she was so lost in her dreams and memories...she stops for a while, folds her hood back and looks up....her blue eyes are the perfect reflection of the undisturbed, fresh spring sky...her hair...happy to be freed from the cloak enjoys the caress of the gentle breeze...she decides to sit down and soak in the beauty and joy around her...she stays there for an august night, and marvels at the multitude of brilliant stars shining from above...she looks for the different signs, and happily acknowledges, that she still remembers them...after finding them all, she goes to sleep with a deep sigh, and spends a dreamful night on her bed made of hay......as she wakes up..she find herself on that road again..from where she started...the beginning...when her heart was heavy and she fled...she kneels there...as the red blood leaves keep falling around her and the wind captures the edge of her robe trying his best to steal it from her... it's autumn..again....her favourite season..and...she is waiting......
This vision played in my head the other day upon lighting a candle, laying down on the carpet, and listening to the above mentioned music..then a perfect image/photo was found (and added to the tale) to help you get a ticket for the ride...hope you enjoyed it...
Sunday, 14 August 2011
The charm of the Sunday afternoon
Today...in the afternoon...I woke up with a heavy head..I felt tired, thirsty and weak..last night we had a party with friends and colleagues not far away from Budapest, in the garden of a guy from our team. My friend Zs gave me a ride there, and we were rather toned by the time we got to the place, as we were listening to Daft Club on the way there...it seemed a bit movie like..2 girls, riding in the car, listening to very loud, electronic music, passing people, staring at us..then on the highway we met a caravan of cars, that were lead, and backed up by police cars, and policemen on motorbikes..at first we thought it was some important person being accompanied, but the multitude of cars enclosed between the police was strange...then we saw the ribbons on the cars, and it turned out that those cars belonged to people going to a wedding...we passed them by, and..there was a moment when it felt like I'm only dreaming it all...never thought something like that can happen..a wedding party backed up by the police...it was like a movie coming alive, and me being a part of it! I was already curious to see what the next chapter has in store for us :)
And well, in the next chapter we arrived to our friend, sat down, and were delighted to see and taste the great variety of cheeses, wine and lots of other snacks. People kept on arriving until 9ish, and at the end we had about a party of 20 people. It felt great to be away from the city, to sense the chilly August breeze on our arms, to smell the smoke originating from the fire, on which the guys were grilling salmon and vegetables. As the night covered us with its velvety blanket, our spirits started to rise...maybe due to the number of drinks that slipped down on those thirsty throats :) Though it was getting a bit cold, nobody seemed to be freezing, people's faces were beaming, and laughter was echoing from everywhere. Little by little, we got rid of any convention...any ties that make the people behave in a certain way when they are in a certain company..based on what the expectations of this company are, and also based on how they would like the others to perceive them...these "masks" and "rules" have dissolved, and people let the steam off....I like it when we reach this stage, because that is when I can take a deeper journey to other people's soul...I know how they behave, or think when they are in a "bordered" environment, but I love to explore what is behind the borders...and see the other side of the coin too. Last night I was given the opportunity to make several journeys, that enabled me to colour the picture drawn by my soul of friends, based on earlier perceptions. I was joyous to see how those pictures came alive by adding some vivid colours, and deeper shades of violet and emerald green to the portrait. I had some very honest conversations, and people shared things with me to which I was blind till now...also I learned a lot..about focusing on the road, and not on the goal, about being faithful to myself, even if it brings with itself the indignation of others....these talks placed my vision of some people into a new light, a light in which, hidden desires, dreams, visions could be seen and discovered. That night it was a full moon, it shone with all her glory on the merry company of ours, silently smiling, and making us believe, that everything we dream of is within our reach. I stared at her, and the stars that tried to get near her...she showed her strength, in a gentle, but determined way...because those stars that got too close to her were outshone by her diamond glimmer...she was up there, out of reach for everyone who tried to capture, and own her...I thanked her for sharing that night with us, for providing me the light, in which so many new faces of my friends could be discovered. To make the night truly memorable, I even managed to see a falling star, a traveler that has left behind numerous kilometers, battling time and distance and every other hurdles the Universe put in its way...only to fulfill its fate...to disappear in front of my eyes in the fraction of a second...giving me the pleasure of releasing a wish from the prison of my heart.
The night for me ended at around 3 AM. I traveled home in the car of a colleague, and was very thankful for that, as I would not have had the energy to lay down in the garden, and wake up after 2 or 3 hours of sleep to catch the early train to the city. After arriving home, I got rid of my clothes and fell into bed...did not even have time to take a shower...I slept till about 10:30 and woke up with a somewhat sore head...and some hunger in my stomach. I knew in that moment, that this day will be designated to the silent resting..as I still felt out of power. After some breakfast (lunch?) I spent some time trying to make my second room look a bit more cozy. The thing is..my flatmate moved out...she came to the stage in her life of founding a family on her own, in her hometown....so now her room is empty..and it seemed truly dead after she took away all the furniture, curtain and decorations. It felt so sad to look in there, that I could not bear it, so today I rearranged some things in my room, and carried over some stuff to the other one...I'm satisfied :) it's looking much more comfortable now...I'm thinking I will make it to be my studio...my base, where I will be dealing with things that help me "feed" my artistic and creative me. Once I'll have my camera, I hope to store my best shots there!
Then...lead by the gentle touch of an instinct, I turned on my radio. The following song was playing there (I need to share it, because otherwise the feelings, experiences attached to the mood it created in me cannot be transmitted completely to the reader): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHU2r3-VUzY&feature=related It is a song from Malcolm Mclaren, called "About her". I laid down and let myself be carried away on the wings of its tunes...I closed my eyes, and saw forests..cliffs, oceans...and a girl...searching...at least for the first time it looked like she is searching...but in fact it was not a search..there was nothing troublesome, worrying, or hurrying in the act of hers...so I realized, she was not searching, because...because... she had it all, she was content, smiling, and only exchanging love with the world...inhaling the sweet fragrance of the mountain breeze, bathing in the fresh streams, letting the waterdrops playing with her skin, feeling the solidity of the mountain in her heart, and the power of the water flowing through her veins, and in return, letting the love of her heart embrace the world, sharing the brillance of her inner world with the Universe..nature, that understands her ....She was there...but not where people would look for her.
After the song ended, I was still laying on my bed, curled up...when the moment of "perfect Sunday afternoon" just rushed at me. There were no cars passing by on the street, I could hear the faraway noise of the city through the opened windows. The room was bathing in the light of the sun that already made more than halfway through of his journey accross the sky. You know, the light, intensity, the colour of the afternoon sunrays are much more different than those of the morning ones. The morning sunrays enclose power, brightness, energy in themselves..they stimulate me to go and do something, to work, to reach out for what I need...they bring with themselves the hope, and courage..they carry inside the energy, the driving force that is needed to get what we dream of. But the afternoon sunrays are much different...they are calmer, lazier..they inspire me for relaxing...after the hard work of the morning has been done...they fall heavy on my eyelids...there is a certain standstill in them...for a while they make me believe that the moment is frozen...and for some reason I feel like I do not want to break this immobility...in those moments I bow my head in front of the charm of the afternoon sun...I do as he asks, let myself fall...without objection, to the depth of the soft tranquility... only to find myself between huge pillows filled with the finest feathers upon arrival. I was enchanted...I was surrounded by harmony, and felt a sort of contentment, that paralised me..I could not...and did not want to move...just wished to give myself completely to the moment, to be able to savour every single taste it has to offer...to be able to be absorbed fully in it.....to give myself the satisfaction of melting into its yellow green melancholy.
And well, in the next chapter we arrived to our friend, sat down, and were delighted to see and taste the great variety of cheeses, wine and lots of other snacks. People kept on arriving until 9ish, and at the end we had about a party of 20 people. It felt great to be away from the city, to sense the chilly August breeze on our arms, to smell the smoke originating from the fire, on which the guys were grilling salmon and vegetables. As the night covered us with its velvety blanket, our spirits started to rise...maybe due to the number of drinks that slipped down on those thirsty throats :) Though it was getting a bit cold, nobody seemed to be freezing, people's faces were beaming, and laughter was echoing from everywhere. Little by little, we got rid of any convention...any ties that make the people behave in a certain way when they are in a certain company..based on what the expectations of this company are, and also based on how they would like the others to perceive them...these "masks" and "rules" have dissolved, and people let the steam off....I like it when we reach this stage, because that is when I can take a deeper journey to other people's soul...I know how they behave, or think when they are in a "bordered" environment, but I love to explore what is behind the borders...and see the other side of the coin too. Last night I was given the opportunity to make several journeys, that enabled me to colour the picture drawn by my soul of friends, based on earlier perceptions. I was joyous to see how those pictures came alive by adding some vivid colours, and deeper shades of violet and emerald green to the portrait. I had some very honest conversations, and people shared things with me to which I was blind till now...also I learned a lot..about focusing on the road, and not on the goal, about being faithful to myself, even if it brings with itself the indignation of others....these talks placed my vision of some people into a new light, a light in which, hidden desires, dreams, visions could be seen and discovered. That night it was a full moon, it shone with all her glory on the merry company of ours, silently smiling, and making us believe, that everything we dream of is within our reach. I stared at her, and the stars that tried to get near her...she showed her strength, in a gentle, but determined way...because those stars that got too close to her were outshone by her diamond glimmer...she was up there, out of reach for everyone who tried to capture, and own her...I thanked her for sharing that night with us, for providing me the light, in which so many new faces of my friends could be discovered. To make the night truly memorable, I even managed to see a falling star, a traveler that has left behind numerous kilometers, battling time and distance and every other hurdles the Universe put in its way...only to fulfill its fate...to disappear in front of my eyes in the fraction of a second...giving me the pleasure of releasing a wish from the prison of my heart.
The night for me ended at around 3 AM. I traveled home in the car of a colleague, and was very thankful for that, as I would not have had the energy to lay down in the garden, and wake up after 2 or 3 hours of sleep to catch the early train to the city. After arriving home, I got rid of my clothes and fell into bed...did not even have time to take a shower...I slept till about 10:30 and woke up with a somewhat sore head...and some hunger in my stomach. I knew in that moment, that this day will be designated to the silent resting..as I still felt out of power. After some breakfast (lunch?) I spent some time trying to make my second room look a bit more cozy. The thing is..my flatmate moved out...she came to the stage in her life of founding a family on her own, in her hometown....so now her room is empty..and it seemed truly dead after she took away all the furniture, curtain and decorations. It felt so sad to look in there, that I could not bear it, so today I rearranged some things in my room, and carried over some stuff to the other one...I'm satisfied :) it's looking much more comfortable now...I'm thinking I will make it to be my studio...my base, where I will be dealing with things that help me "feed" my artistic and creative me. Once I'll have my camera, I hope to store my best shots there!
Then...lead by the gentle touch of an instinct, I turned on my radio. The following song was playing there (I need to share it, because otherwise the feelings, experiences attached to the mood it created in me cannot be transmitted completely to the reader): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHU2r3-VUzY&feature=related It is a song from Malcolm Mclaren, called "About her". I laid down and let myself be carried away on the wings of its tunes...I closed my eyes, and saw forests..cliffs, oceans...and a girl...searching...at least for the first time it looked like she is searching...but in fact it was not a search..there was nothing troublesome, worrying, or hurrying in the act of hers...so I realized, she was not searching, because...because... she had it all, she was content, smiling, and only exchanging love with the world...inhaling the sweet fragrance of the mountain breeze, bathing in the fresh streams, letting the waterdrops playing with her skin, feeling the solidity of the mountain in her heart, and the power of the water flowing through her veins, and in return, letting the love of her heart embrace the world, sharing the brillance of her inner world with the Universe..nature, that understands her ....She was there...but not where people would look for her.
After the song ended, I was still laying on my bed, curled up...when the moment of "perfect Sunday afternoon" just rushed at me. There were no cars passing by on the street, I could hear the faraway noise of the city through the opened windows. The room was bathing in the light of the sun that already made more than halfway through of his journey accross the sky. You know, the light, intensity, the colour of the afternoon sunrays are much more different than those of the morning ones. The morning sunrays enclose power, brightness, energy in themselves..they stimulate me to go and do something, to work, to reach out for what I need...they bring with themselves the hope, and courage..they carry inside the energy, the driving force that is needed to get what we dream of. But the afternoon sunrays are much different...they are calmer, lazier..they inspire me for relaxing...after the hard work of the morning has been done...they fall heavy on my eyelids...there is a certain standstill in them...for a while they make me believe that the moment is frozen...and for some reason I feel like I do not want to break this immobility...in those moments I bow my head in front of the charm of the afternoon sun...I do as he asks, let myself fall...without objection, to the depth of the soft tranquility... only to find myself between huge pillows filled with the finest feathers upon arrival. I was enchanted...I was surrounded by harmony, and felt a sort of contentment, that paralised me..I could not...and did not want to move...just wished to give myself completely to the moment, to be able to savour every single taste it has to offer...to be able to be absorbed fully in it.....to give myself the satisfaction of melting into its yellow green melancholy.
Sunday, 7 August 2011
The cats are back!
I have 3 cats...wooden ones, who are carved so, that they can perfectly sit on the edge of a table..these cats were put into my "do not touch" box, at the end of last november. I missed them a lot, but I could not bear to see them, because every time I looked at them, the memories of them singing happily crept into my mind, and I became sad. I thought of those joyful moments being lost, and I felt guilty, and helpless. Today however, I decided to set them free. I opened the box, and took Ahmed, Basir and Ibrahim (these are their names) and placed them on the table where they used to sit. They looked confused, shy, and embarrassed. None of them dared to smile or look at me. I sat in front of them on the carpet, looked at them and petted their heads. A very weak miauw came from Basir (he was always the bravest). He looked at me with huge eyes, filled with a touch of guiltiness. I took pity on them, and decided to explain them, what just happened. I told them, I am sorry for imprisoning them for so long...I told them, that what happened was not their fault, and they do not need feel bad. I asked for their forgiveness for the fact that because of my own despair, I caged them in, not taking into account to how much joy they contributed to in my life. They tried to comfort me, and tried to tell me that they feel sad for ... for the rough moments of the past months. I told them, that I learned a lot from this heartbreak, that I've discovered things I would not have been able, if it did not happen. It is now, that I can look back on the past 2 - 3 years of my life, and who I was...it is unbelievable in a way...and not always very cheerful what I find while taking this journey into my past. The worst part is when I take an overview of the "old me" when I was doing shiftwork. When I was in it...I did not even notice..I just felt tired all the time, but...now I see how stressed and imbalanced I was...how all my suffering and bad mood was transmitted to the people I love...how I was not myself at all at that time..always complaining, never satisfied...honestly, it gives me the shiver to think about it, what a pain in the backside I was for people who were close to me. Thank God it is over, and I am much more calmed down, have more time for myself, and feel a lot more balanced. I told the cats, that in the beginning stage of my misery, after the breakup, I was still very much self centered. I felt sorry not so much for what I was not able to give to the person I loved, but fore missing what I've been given... Because I got a lot! I got love, confidence, support, stability, security, balance, warmth, joy, magic...and all this I was not able to treaure...for some reason I thought I can take them for granted..what a fool I was!!! Then...when I lost it, I realized truly what a huge mistake I've made.....I was never even able to express how much thankful I am for these things..I was nurturing a love in my heart, but I was not really able to make the other person know about it...there were moments, when it came to the surface..when the circumstances were perfect enough for this love to overflow me, but looking at the whole picture I did not do too well, aaaand there we go...Fate had enough of my little games, He had to teach me through the hard lesson...and so soon I moved into the next stage, in which I missed the fact that I did not have the chance of giving joy, love, confidence, security, warmth, and magic. By today...I understood, I cannot go on just always regretting what I could not do...by today...there is a river of love flowing in me...a river, that lets its love flow freely...it takes the ship whereever it wants to go..without objection...but if a ship decides to berth on its shore, she does all to embrace it. I learned that love is not the art of tying something to ourselves, to make sure we have it all the time, at our disposal, but to let it go...because what we let go, goes if it needs to go, but stays with us if it has to stay. The cats listened patiently at my monologue, and then nodded their head in agreement. Now they are joyfully sitting on my table, making my room and spirits brighter, even singing soft melodies for me to cheer me up :)
Yesterday I took a train, and traveled to Hegyeshalom. I visited my very good friend Mari there. She waited me at the station, and took me to the home of her sister. We had very delicious szekely kaposzta for lunch, then the adventure started. We got into the car, and drove to Dunakiliti. There are the remnants of a not finished water energy plant. We were allowed to walk on its top, and stare at the enourmous quantity of water flowing through, with such power, that I have hardly ever seen from such short distance. As we were standing there and I looked over the volume of water, I could not help it...I kept my mouth open, gasping while witnessing the water creating huge waves..making it look like as if the river was boiling. The water, an element that can look so still and smooth, can also be devastating, destroying everything that stands in its way. A material, that is liquid, see through, and can hardly be contained in the palm of our hands, can become reckless and wash away all hurdles that prevents her of being free, and then, by caging her in like that, she can produce a massive amount of energy! After the short contemplation, we walked on, got down to the bank of the river, where we decided to walk into it till knee height, and spent the time by collecting pretty stones from the riverbed. The sun was shining, some guys were relaxing on the other side of the river, that was already Slovakia. I bent over, took some water and washed my hands, and my neck too, to cool me down on that hot day. I stood there in the river, looked around, and I made a journey in time, to my childhood, when I'd be at home, with my family on the bank of the river that flows close to my home...it would be the time without worries, when the sun would be setting, and I would feel that everything is perfect...a moment, when I would not want to change anything at all...when my mind and heart would be in harmony with the world surrounding me....as I was standing there yesterday, listening to the river, watching the sun rays cast my shadow on it surface, smelling the fragrance of the natural water below me...I had this feeling again...that "here and now" everything is perfect, and I am complete. I could have stood there for hours, just watching the trees, the river...the stones...but we had to get going...we had some other villages to visit, and some nice landscapes to marvel at. We stopped at another beach, where we had ice cream, then at Mosonmagyarovar, where Mari shared with me stories of her childhood. We walked around the ancient castle, and sat a bit by the lake. It was a great day, I enjoyed it so much, that I did not even realize the time passing by...none of my cells wished to get on the train that took me back to Budapest.
After a looooong night sleep though today I went again to the river :) with Zee. We wanted to take a walk on Margit island, but it was packed with people, so we decided to sit down on a dock (old, wooden one) that reached quite far in to the Danube river. The afternoon was what I'd call THE sunday afternoon. We had nothing to do, no plans, no rush...just sitting there, watching the old, colourful brick houses on the other side of the river..enjoying the swinging of the dock every time a ship passed by and the wawes hit the barrels on which the dock was constructed. We laid down and paid very careful attention to the performances of the sky theater above us. The clouds went on and off stage, they met...loved each other, kissed, melted into each other then said goodbye..some forever...some temporarily..to gain some strength and then meet again somewhere above another country joining into one, and making the soil fertile of that faraway land. I enjoyed being there, talking to Zee, letting her fill me up with energy, smiling, lauging, sharing with me what lies in her, and me sharing with her my thoughts, and emotions. I wish I could be so calm, accepting, open, and fresh more often...this afternoon, this dock, the river chased away the dark clouds of my mind, and replaced it with a blue sky and fluffy clouds. I am much thankful for this time...and wish for everyone to reach that peace of mind...at least once in a while...
Yesterday I took a train, and traveled to Hegyeshalom. I visited my very good friend Mari there. She waited me at the station, and took me to the home of her sister. We had very delicious szekely kaposzta for lunch, then the adventure started. We got into the car, and drove to Dunakiliti. There are the remnants of a not finished water energy plant. We were allowed to walk on its top, and stare at the enourmous quantity of water flowing through, with such power, that I have hardly ever seen from such short distance. As we were standing there and I looked over the volume of water, I could not help it...I kept my mouth open, gasping while witnessing the water creating huge waves..making it look like as if the river was boiling. The water, an element that can look so still and smooth, can also be devastating, destroying everything that stands in its way. A material, that is liquid, see through, and can hardly be contained in the palm of our hands, can become reckless and wash away all hurdles that prevents her of being free, and then, by caging her in like that, she can produce a massive amount of energy! After the short contemplation, we walked on, got down to the bank of the river, where we decided to walk into it till knee height, and spent the time by collecting pretty stones from the riverbed. The sun was shining, some guys were relaxing on the other side of the river, that was already Slovakia. I bent over, took some water and washed my hands, and my neck too, to cool me down on that hot day. I stood there in the river, looked around, and I made a journey in time, to my childhood, when I'd be at home, with my family on the bank of the river that flows close to my home...it would be the time without worries, when the sun would be setting, and I would feel that everything is perfect...a moment, when I would not want to change anything at all...when my mind and heart would be in harmony with the world surrounding me....as I was standing there yesterday, listening to the river, watching the sun rays cast my shadow on it surface, smelling the fragrance of the natural water below me...I had this feeling again...that "here and now" everything is perfect, and I am complete. I could have stood there for hours, just watching the trees, the river...the stones...but we had to get going...we had some other villages to visit, and some nice landscapes to marvel at. We stopped at another beach, where we had ice cream, then at Mosonmagyarovar, where Mari shared with me stories of her childhood. We walked around the ancient castle, and sat a bit by the lake. It was a great day, I enjoyed it so much, that I did not even realize the time passing by...none of my cells wished to get on the train that took me back to Budapest.
After a looooong night sleep though today I went again to the river :) with Zee. We wanted to take a walk on Margit island, but it was packed with people, so we decided to sit down on a dock (old, wooden one) that reached quite far in to the Danube river. The afternoon was what I'd call THE sunday afternoon. We had nothing to do, no plans, no rush...just sitting there, watching the old, colourful brick houses on the other side of the river..enjoying the swinging of the dock every time a ship passed by and the wawes hit the barrels on which the dock was constructed. We laid down and paid very careful attention to the performances of the sky theater above us. The clouds went on and off stage, they met...loved each other, kissed, melted into each other then said goodbye..some forever...some temporarily..to gain some strength and then meet again somewhere above another country joining into one, and making the soil fertile of that faraway land. I enjoyed being there, talking to Zee, letting her fill me up with energy, smiling, lauging, sharing with me what lies in her, and me sharing with her my thoughts, and emotions. I wish I could be so calm, accepting, open, and fresh more often...this afternoon, this dock, the river chased away the dark clouds of my mind, and replaced it with a blue sky and fluffy clouds. I am much thankful for this time...and wish for everyone to reach that peace of mind...at least once in a while...
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Thoughts of August
I've got so many things on my mind, I am not even sure where to start...Maybe..with the weekend..
Last Friday, I decided to travel home..the day in the office was a bit hectic, so I almost managed to miss my last train..I believe it happens every time because I hate to rush..and as I hate it, I happen to find myself in situations, where I need to rush, and need to face my inner frustration and fears...I did well...just had to run a bit, but finally caught the train! Until Mezokovesd I was traveling with my friend R. he kept me company, we had some chat and the time seemed to fly by. After he got off, we soon arrived to Miskolc, and the train emptied. Me and 2 other people were sitting in the dimly lit vagon, waiting for the engine to be switched, so that we could head to the North East corner of my country, that after many curves and turn, going through hills and fields, the old locomotive would deliver me home, to the caring and loving hands of my family. It was already dark, the station was deserted..and it started to rain..it felt like I was in a different world, a different time, and I am not even me any more..I looked at the scene, and had the feeling of watching a movie...the passengers, the loudspeaker informing us which train is to leave and when..the vagon, the burnt out lightbulbs..I looked around and decided I need to write this down..I took my little notebook, a pen, and jotted down some feelings that appeared associated with the peculiar set of the evening. A guy entered the train, asked me to watch over his things, some were smoking while waiting...the lack of light painted everything yellow around us, it coated my train, the station, the people with a layer of dusk. I did not notice the time passing by, but then we started to move and I put away my notebook. For a while I entertained myself following the paths of the raindrops hitting the window, but then stood up, pulled the window down, and bent over...little drops of water were making my face wet, some people stared at me stunned, but I did not mind...I wanted to smell the fields we passed by, and though I could not see much of them, the smells helped me discover them..sunflower fields, wheat, barley fields..after the smells of the city my lungs rejoiced upon me giving them the chance of being filled with the pure and fresh smell of nature. I inhaled deeply, and smiled. As our train was rattling on, I saw villages afar, homes..streets, lamps...it was a strange feeling to be traveling at that time of the night...I imagined those homes, and associated them with security, warmth, trust, cozyness...I looked at them longing..wishing if I could be at home, surrounded by loved ones, and all those who are dear to my heart...I did not want to be the one on the train...just letting it to carry me wherever...I wished to arrive..but not just geographically..I wanted to arrive to the place where my heart feels complete. All the sudden the feeling of loneliness overcame me, but instead of letting it overwhelm me, I started to concentrate on the breeze caressing my face, the rain purifying me...soon after that, I spotted the Tokaj mountain, and I knew I'm at home...the familiar sight of the vineyards, hills and the river calmed me down, and I was thankful for the mulitude of sentiments that introduced themselves to me during the journey.
The weekend passed by quickly, the highlight of it was the Saturday evening, when my mom and I were invited for a "party" to my brother (he lives downstairs :) ). He prepared a lot, created an inspiration setting for us, little lamps lit, the whole room dressed in the shades of red and orange. We had some good wine (bought from the neighbours) while listened to some meditational music. We talked too, but the greatest was when we just sat, closed our eyes, and traveled to far away places. I had the vision of being on a mountain top....on the edge of the cliff...I was a chinese girl, and was feeling in unity with everything around me. I looked around me, underneath my feet was the depth of the valley, and vast forests. Some eagles were flying, I could hear the clash of the far away waterfalls...I was practising, making moves as to learn unifying my soul with my body...behind me was a small wooden house..my home..with a little garden...and cherry trees...then the scene was changed, and I found myself in a garden...a gentle breeze was blowing, and the flowers of the cherry trees were flying all over in the air..sticking in my hair, landing on my white clothes...the fragrance was sweet and yet refreshing...I stood there...and I felt like I am waiting for someone, who is just about to enter the garden, but is ashamed for some reason, and wishes to hide behind the tree...I was waiting patiently, looking ahead, and strangely was not worried, or scared..I stood there calm...my soul content....I knew that this is the most important meeting of my life...but...here the vision ended...and I was pulled back to reality, to the room of my brother. Not sure where he has been to, but my mom shared her vision with me...she saw me dancing around a bonfire...to be honest it was a very strange experience...I am not sure about past lives..but it certainly felt like...I've been to these places, I've been those people, and I've lived through what they let me have a glimpse at on this special evening.
The Sunday was a bit less magical, as the 2nd of August was drawing closer, my spirits started fall. That is special day, and I knew it will not be easy for me to "survive" it...it brought with itself a lot of thoughts, memories..I felt like it is imprisoning me...because I so much had the taste to...but I couldn't. I did not know how..and decided the best thing to do is to pray and ask for God's blessing on those people who were born that day. This was the only "middle way" I could come up with...
Aaand today is much brighter...firstly I was very much happy about the comment I received for my previous post. There are certain moments, feelings, moods, atmospheres that let us run through the colours of the rainbow, and we can easily jump through them, but I've learnt to "capture" these moments..I try to look carefully, pay attention, and remember...associate with smells, visions, words...I believe these moments..certain situations could bring different feelings for everyone...obviously I know only my inner world, and how it affects me..but already that is so compound, and so magical that I feel the urge of sharing it....so I try to capture it via writing them down, or taking a photo of them, or making a poem about them...I try to use all tools that are at my disposal, and I am so happy to see that there are some people for whom it is "understandable" and possible to identify with. I admit I was a bit afraid that people are so much more different..and they would not understand the depths of my inner world...but I am happy if by sharing a bit of it, it can enrich the life of others too, so..thanks Anonymus!
Another great thing that happened today is that we started to organize our trip to Cesky Krumlov!!!!! I am sooooo thrilled about that. I've heard a lot about the place, saw pictures and I am extremely keen on visiting it! When I talked to my mom, she was a bit sad about the fact that it is already August..and true...I feel like the summer is slipping through my fingers...but what I truly love is the Autumn...with her delicate colourful dress, blue eyes, read hair..the lady with a melancholic smile...I can hardly wait for her to arrive, and with a wave of her hand transform the green leaves into gold, red and orange, wrap small villages into fog, and make the fruits ripe while dancing through the vineyards. I'v not taken any holiday in the summer, but I have some saved for the Autumn. I hope to have my new camera by then, and be able to preserve some of its beauty for the stillness of the winter. So Cesky Krumlov is on the plan for September, and then...if there are still some days left, I hope to make another trip..to either Krakow, or somewhere in Slovakia (maybe Praha...uhh..the lovely Praha) alone...I long for a little room..or house in the nature (if I choose Slovakia - hopefully Vysoke Tatry) I'd take my notebook, a pen..some books, my camera, and I'd spend those days writing, walking, smelling, relaxing, putting together puzzles...drinking tea...cooking...sitting next to the fireplace, listening to the crackling of the wood inside..watching the dancing embers...mmmm....I know what I'll dream about tonight!!!
The last little piece of joy for today was, that I talked to a colleague, and he ...well...he told me that he thinks my flat is like a "vampire home". I did not feel offended...I liked the idea, and soon it rang a bell! A while ago, I used to be "kis vampiiiir" but..recently she kind of disappeared..though I liked her..she was childish, wild, reckless, but playful...I had too many "heavy" things on my mind, so I completely put her aside.. (moje mala vampiiiirko, moc na tebe myslim...a virtual vampire pal used to say to me) I think it is because her verfarkas set off, and decided to explore the world...went away in search of a verfarkas girl...but! kis vampiiir..needs to be strong...she needs to gain back authority, and this colleague unwillingly opened my eyes to that!
So..kis vampiiiir is getting a bit tired, she still needs to take a shower, and read a bit before sinking into the fluffy dreamclouds...but..all in all, I'm thankful for this day...I feel alive again!
Last Friday, I decided to travel home..the day in the office was a bit hectic, so I almost managed to miss my last train..I believe it happens every time because I hate to rush..and as I hate it, I happen to find myself in situations, where I need to rush, and need to face my inner frustration and fears...I did well...just had to run a bit, but finally caught the train! Until Mezokovesd I was traveling with my friend R. he kept me company, we had some chat and the time seemed to fly by. After he got off, we soon arrived to Miskolc, and the train emptied. Me and 2 other people were sitting in the dimly lit vagon, waiting for the engine to be switched, so that we could head to the North East corner of my country, that after many curves and turn, going through hills and fields, the old locomotive would deliver me home, to the caring and loving hands of my family. It was already dark, the station was deserted..and it started to rain..it felt like I was in a different world, a different time, and I am not even me any more..I looked at the scene, and had the feeling of watching a movie...the passengers, the loudspeaker informing us which train is to leave and when..the vagon, the burnt out lightbulbs..I looked around and decided I need to write this down..I took my little notebook, a pen, and jotted down some feelings that appeared associated with the peculiar set of the evening. A guy entered the train, asked me to watch over his things, some were smoking while waiting...the lack of light painted everything yellow around us, it coated my train, the station, the people with a layer of dusk. I did not notice the time passing by, but then we started to move and I put away my notebook. For a while I entertained myself following the paths of the raindrops hitting the window, but then stood up, pulled the window down, and bent over...little drops of water were making my face wet, some people stared at me stunned, but I did not mind...I wanted to smell the fields we passed by, and though I could not see much of them, the smells helped me discover them..sunflower fields, wheat, barley fields..after the smells of the city my lungs rejoiced upon me giving them the chance of being filled with the pure and fresh smell of nature. I inhaled deeply, and smiled. As our train was rattling on, I saw villages afar, homes..streets, lamps...it was a strange feeling to be traveling at that time of the night...I imagined those homes, and associated them with security, warmth, trust, cozyness...I looked at them longing..wishing if I could be at home, surrounded by loved ones, and all those who are dear to my heart...I did not want to be the one on the train...just letting it to carry me wherever...I wished to arrive..but not just geographically..I wanted to arrive to the place where my heart feels complete. All the sudden the feeling of loneliness overcame me, but instead of letting it overwhelm me, I started to concentrate on the breeze caressing my face, the rain purifying me...soon after that, I spotted the Tokaj mountain, and I knew I'm at home...the familiar sight of the vineyards, hills and the river calmed me down, and I was thankful for the mulitude of sentiments that introduced themselves to me during the journey.
The weekend passed by quickly, the highlight of it was the Saturday evening, when my mom and I were invited for a "party" to my brother (he lives downstairs :) ). He prepared a lot, created an inspiration setting for us, little lamps lit, the whole room dressed in the shades of red and orange. We had some good wine (bought from the neighbours) while listened to some meditational music. We talked too, but the greatest was when we just sat, closed our eyes, and traveled to far away places. I had the vision of being on a mountain top....on the edge of the cliff...I was a chinese girl, and was feeling in unity with everything around me. I looked around me, underneath my feet was the depth of the valley, and vast forests. Some eagles were flying, I could hear the clash of the far away waterfalls...I was practising, making moves as to learn unifying my soul with my body...behind me was a small wooden house..my home..with a little garden...and cherry trees...then the scene was changed, and I found myself in a garden...a gentle breeze was blowing, and the flowers of the cherry trees were flying all over in the air..sticking in my hair, landing on my white clothes...the fragrance was sweet and yet refreshing...I stood there...and I felt like I am waiting for someone, who is just about to enter the garden, but is ashamed for some reason, and wishes to hide behind the tree...I was waiting patiently, looking ahead, and strangely was not worried, or scared..I stood there calm...my soul content....I knew that this is the most important meeting of my life...but...here the vision ended...and I was pulled back to reality, to the room of my brother. Not sure where he has been to, but my mom shared her vision with me...she saw me dancing around a bonfire...to be honest it was a very strange experience...I am not sure about past lives..but it certainly felt like...I've been to these places, I've been those people, and I've lived through what they let me have a glimpse at on this special evening.
The Sunday was a bit less magical, as the 2nd of August was drawing closer, my spirits started fall. That is special day, and I knew it will not be easy for me to "survive" it...it brought with itself a lot of thoughts, memories..I felt like it is imprisoning me...because I so much had the taste to...but I couldn't. I did not know how..and decided the best thing to do is to pray and ask for God's blessing on those people who were born that day. This was the only "middle way" I could come up with...
Aaand today is much brighter...firstly I was very much happy about the comment I received for my previous post. There are certain moments, feelings, moods, atmospheres that let us run through the colours of the rainbow, and we can easily jump through them, but I've learnt to "capture" these moments..I try to look carefully, pay attention, and remember...associate with smells, visions, words...I believe these moments..certain situations could bring different feelings for everyone...obviously I know only my inner world, and how it affects me..but already that is so compound, and so magical that I feel the urge of sharing it....so I try to capture it via writing them down, or taking a photo of them, or making a poem about them...I try to use all tools that are at my disposal, and I am so happy to see that there are some people for whom it is "understandable" and possible to identify with. I admit I was a bit afraid that people are so much more different..and they would not understand the depths of my inner world...but I am happy if by sharing a bit of it, it can enrich the life of others too, so..thanks Anonymus!
Another great thing that happened today is that we started to organize our trip to Cesky Krumlov!!!!! I am sooooo thrilled about that. I've heard a lot about the place, saw pictures and I am extremely keen on visiting it! When I talked to my mom, she was a bit sad about the fact that it is already August..and true...I feel like the summer is slipping through my fingers...but what I truly love is the Autumn...with her delicate colourful dress, blue eyes, read hair..the lady with a melancholic smile...I can hardly wait for her to arrive, and with a wave of her hand transform the green leaves into gold, red and orange, wrap small villages into fog, and make the fruits ripe while dancing through the vineyards. I'v not taken any holiday in the summer, but I have some saved for the Autumn. I hope to have my new camera by then, and be able to preserve some of its beauty for the stillness of the winter. So Cesky Krumlov is on the plan for September, and then...if there are still some days left, I hope to make another trip..to either Krakow, or somewhere in Slovakia (maybe Praha...uhh..the lovely Praha) alone...I long for a little room..or house in the nature (if I choose Slovakia - hopefully Vysoke Tatry) I'd take my notebook, a pen..some books, my camera, and I'd spend those days writing, walking, smelling, relaxing, putting together puzzles...drinking tea...cooking...sitting next to the fireplace, listening to the crackling of the wood inside..watching the dancing embers...mmmm....I know what I'll dream about tonight!!!
The last little piece of joy for today was, that I talked to a colleague, and he ...well...he told me that he thinks my flat is like a "vampire home". I did not feel offended...I liked the idea, and soon it rang a bell! A while ago, I used to be "kis vampiiiir" but..recently she kind of disappeared..though I liked her..she was childish, wild, reckless, but playful...I had too many "heavy" things on my mind, so I completely put her aside.. (moje mala vampiiiirko, moc na tebe myslim...a virtual vampire pal used to say to me) I think it is because her verfarkas set off, and decided to explore the world...went away in search of a verfarkas girl...but! kis vampiiir..needs to be strong...she needs to gain back authority, and this colleague unwillingly opened my eyes to that!
So..kis vampiiiir is getting a bit tired, she still needs to take a shower, and read a bit before sinking into the fluffy dreamclouds...but..all in all, I'm thankful for this day...I feel alive again!
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