I have 3 cats...wooden ones, who are carved so, that they can perfectly sit on the edge of a table..these cats were put into my "do not touch" box, at the end of last november. I missed them a lot, but I could not bear to see them, because every time I looked at them, the memories of them singing happily crept into my mind, and I became sad. I thought of those joyful moments being lost, and I felt guilty, and helpless. Today however, I decided to set them free. I opened the box, and took Ahmed, Basir and Ibrahim (these are their names) and placed them on the table where they used to sit. They looked confused, shy, and embarrassed. None of them dared to smile or look at me. I sat in front of them on the carpet, looked at them and petted their heads. A very weak miauw came from Basir (he was always the bravest). He looked at me with huge eyes, filled with a touch of guiltiness. I took pity on them, and decided to explain them, what just happened. I told them, I am sorry for imprisoning them for so long...I told them, that what happened was not their fault, and they do not need feel bad. I asked for their forgiveness for the fact that because of my own despair, I caged them in, not taking into account to how much joy they contributed to in my life. They tried to comfort me, and tried to tell me that they feel sad for ... for the rough moments of the past months. I told them, that I learned a lot from this heartbreak, that I've discovered things I would not have been able, if it did not happen. It is now, that I can look back on the past 2 - 3 years of my life, and who I was...it is unbelievable in a way...and not always very cheerful what I find while taking this journey into my past. The worst part is when I take an overview of the "old me" when I was doing shiftwork. When I was in it...I did not even notice..I just felt tired all the time, but...now I see how stressed and imbalanced I was...how all my suffering and bad mood was transmitted to the people I love...how I was not myself at all at that time..always complaining, never satisfied...honestly, it gives me the shiver to think about it, what a pain in the backside I was for people who were close to me. Thank God it is over, and I am much more calmed down, have more time for myself, and feel a lot more balanced. I told the cats, that in the beginning stage of my misery, after the breakup, I was still very much self centered. I felt sorry not so much for what I was not able to give to the person I loved, but fore missing what I've been given... Because I got a lot! I got love, confidence, support, stability, security, balance, warmth, joy, magic...and all this I was not able to treaure...for some reason I thought I can take them for granted..what a fool I was!!! Then...when I lost it, I realized truly what a huge mistake I've made.....I was never even able to express how much thankful I am for these things..I was nurturing a love in my heart, but I was not really able to make the other person know about it...there were moments, when it came to the surface..when the circumstances were perfect enough for this love to overflow me, but looking at the whole picture I did not do too well, aaaand there we go...Fate had enough of my little games, He had to teach me through the hard lesson...and so soon I moved into the next stage, in which I missed the fact that I did not have the chance of giving joy, love, confidence, security, warmth, and magic. By today...I understood, I cannot go on just always regretting what I could not do...by today...there is a river of love flowing in me...a river, that lets its love flow freely...it takes the ship whereever it wants to go..without objection...but if a ship decides to berth on its shore, she does all to embrace it. I learned that love is not the art of tying something to ourselves, to make sure we have it all the time, at our disposal, but to let it go...because what we let go, goes if it needs to go, but stays with us if it has to stay. The cats listened patiently at my monologue, and then nodded their head in agreement. Now they are joyfully sitting on my table, making my room and spirits brighter, even singing soft melodies for me to cheer me up :)
Yesterday I took a train, and traveled to Hegyeshalom. I visited my very good friend Mari there. She waited me at the station, and took me to the home of her sister. We had very delicious szekely kaposzta for lunch, then the adventure started. We got into the car, and drove to Dunakiliti. There are the remnants of a not finished water energy plant. We were allowed to walk on its top, and stare at the enourmous quantity of water flowing through, with such power, that I have hardly ever seen from such short distance. As we were standing there and I looked over the volume of water, I could not help it...I kept my mouth open, gasping while witnessing the water creating huge waves..making it look like as if the river was boiling. The water, an element that can look so still and smooth, can also be devastating, destroying everything that stands in its way. A material, that is liquid, see through, and can hardly be contained in the palm of our hands, can become reckless and wash away all hurdles that prevents her of being free, and then, by caging her in like that, she can produce a massive amount of energy! After the short contemplation, we walked on, got down to the bank of the river, where we decided to walk into it till knee height, and spent the time by collecting pretty stones from the riverbed. The sun was shining, some guys were relaxing on the other side of the river, that was already Slovakia. I bent over, took some water and washed my hands, and my neck too, to cool me down on that hot day. I stood there in the river, looked around, and I made a journey in time, to my childhood, when I'd be at home, with my family on the bank of the river that flows close to my home...it would be the time without worries, when the sun would be setting, and I would feel that everything is perfect...a moment, when I would not want to change anything at all...when my mind and heart would be in harmony with the world surrounding me....as I was standing there yesterday, listening to the river, watching the sun rays cast my shadow on it surface, smelling the fragrance of the natural water below me...I had this feeling again...that "here and now" everything is perfect, and I am complete. I could have stood there for hours, just watching the trees, the river...the stones...but we had to get going...we had some other villages to visit, and some nice landscapes to marvel at. We stopped at another beach, where we had ice cream, then at Mosonmagyarovar, where Mari shared with me stories of her childhood. We walked around the ancient castle, and sat a bit by the lake. It was a great day, I enjoyed it so much, that I did not even realize the time passing by...none of my cells wished to get on the train that took me back to Budapest.
After a looooong night sleep though today I went again to the river :) with Zee. We wanted to take a walk on Margit island, but it was packed with people, so we decided to sit down on a dock (old, wooden one) that reached quite far in to the Danube river. The afternoon was what I'd call THE sunday afternoon. We had nothing to do, no plans, no rush...just sitting there, watching the old, colourful brick houses on the other side of the river..enjoying the swinging of the dock every time a ship passed by and the wawes hit the barrels on which the dock was constructed. We laid down and paid very careful attention to the performances of the sky theater above us. The clouds went on and off stage, they met...loved each other, kissed, melted into each other then said goodbye..some forever...some temporarily..to gain some strength and then meet again somewhere above another country joining into one, and making the soil fertile of that faraway land. I enjoyed being there, talking to Zee, letting her fill me up with energy, smiling, lauging, sharing with me what lies in her, and me sharing with her my thoughts, and emotions. I wish I could be so calm, accepting, open, and fresh more often...this afternoon, this dock, the river chased away the dark clouds of my mind, and replaced it with a blue sky and fluffy clouds. I am much thankful for this time...and wish for everyone to reach that peace of mind...at least once in a while...
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