Thoughts of August

I've got so many things on my mind, I am not even sure where to start...Maybe..with the weekend..

Last Friday, I decided to travel home..the day in the office was a bit hectic, so I almost managed to miss my last train..I believe it happens every time because I hate to rush..and as I hate it, I happen to find myself in situations, where I need to rush, and need to face my inner frustration and fears...I did well...just had to run a bit, but finally caught the train!  Until Mezokovesd I was traveling with my friend R. he kept me company, we had some chat and the time seemed to fly by.  After he got off, we soon arrived to Miskolc, and the train emptied.  Me and 2 other people were sitting in the dimly lit vagon, waiting for the engine to be switched, so that we could head to the North East corner of my country, that after many curves and turn, going through hills and fields, the old locomotive would deliver me home, to the caring and loving hands of my family.  It was already dark, the station was deserted..and it started to rain..it felt like I was in a different world, a different time, and I am not even me any more..I looked at the scene, and had the feeling of watching a movie...the passengers, the loudspeaker informing us which train is to leave and when..the vagon, the burnt out lightbulbs..I looked around and decided I need to write this down..I took my little notebook, a pen, and jotted down some feelings that appeared associated with the peculiar set of the evening.  A guy entered the train, asked me to watch over his things, some were smoking while waiting...the lack of light painted everything yellow around us, it coated my train, the station, the people with a layer of dusk.  I did not notice the time passing by, but then we started to move and I put away my notebook.  For a while I entertained myself following the paths of the raindrops hitting the window, but then stood up, pulled the window down, and bent over...little drops of water were making my face wet, some people stared at me stunned, but I did not mind...I wanted to smell the fields we passed by, and though I could not see much of them, the smells helped me discover them..sunflower fields, wheat, barley fields..after the smells of the city my lungs rejoiced upon me giving them the chance of being filled with the pure and fresh smell of nature.  I inhaled deeply, and smiled.  As our train was rattling on, I saw villages afar, homes..streets, lamps...it was a strange feeling to be traveling at that time of the night...I imagined those homes, and associated them with security, warmth, trust, cozyness...I looked at them longing..wishing if I could be at home, surrounded by loved ones, and all those who are dear to my heart...I did not want to be the one on the train...just letting it to carry me wherever...I wished to arrive..but not just geographically..I wanted to arrive to the place where my heart feels complete.  All the sudden the feeling of loneliness overcame me, but instead of letting it overwhelm me, I started to concentrate on the breeze caressing my face, the rain purifying me...soon after that, I spotted the Tokaj mountain, and I knew I'm at home...the familiar sight of the vineyards, hills and the river calmed me down, and I was thankful for the mulitude of sentiments that introduced themselves to me during the journey.

The weekend passed by quickly, the highlight of it was the Saturday evening, when my mom and I were invited for a "party" to my brother (he lives downstairs :) ).  He prepared a lot, created an inspiration setting for us, little lamps lit, the whole room dressed in the shades of red and orange.  We had some good wine (bought from the neighbours) while listened to some meditational music.  We talked too, but the greatest was when we just sat, closed our eyes, and traveled to far away places.  I had the vision of being on a mountain top....on the edge of the cliff...I was a chinese girl, and was feeling in unity with everything around me.  I looked around me, underneath my feet was the depth of the valley, and vast forests.  Some eagles were flying, I could hear the clash of the far away waterfalls...I was practising, making moves as to learn unifying my soul with my body...behind me was a small wooden house..my home..with a little garden...and cherry trees...then the scene was changed, and I found myself in a garden...a gentle breeze was blowing, and the flowers of the cherry trees were flying all over in the air..sticking in my hair, landing on my white clothes...the fragrance was sweet and yet refreshing...I stood there...and I felt like I am waiting for someone, who is just about to enter the garden, but is ashamed for some reason, and wishes to hide behind the tree...I was waiting patiently, looking ahead, and strangely was not worried, or scared..I stood there calm...my soul content....I knew that this is the most important meeting of my life...but...here the vision ended...and I was pulled back to reality, to the room of my brother.  Not sure where he has been to, but my mom shared her vision with me...she saw me dancing around a bonfire...to be honest it was a very strange experience...I am not sure about past lives..but it certainly felt like...I've been to these places, I've been those people, and I've lived through what they let me have a glimpse at on this special evening. 

The Sunday was a bit less magical, as the 2nd of August was drawing closer, my spirits started fall.  That is special day, and I knew it will not be easy for me to "survive" it...it brought with itself a lot of thoughts, memories..I felt like it is imprisoning me...because I so much had the taste to...but I couldn't.  I did not know how..and decided the best thing to do is to pray and ask for God's blessing on those people who were born that day.  This was the only "middle way" I could come up with...

Aaand today is much brighter...firstly I was very much happy about the comment I received for my previous post.  There are certain moments, feelings, moods, atmospheres that let us run through the colours of the rainbow, and we can easily jump through them, but I've learnt to "capture" these moments..I try to look carefully, pay attention, and remember...associate with smells, visions, words...I believe these moments..certain situations could bring different feelings for everyone...obviously I know only my inner world, and how it affects me..but already that is so compound, and so magical that I feel the urge of sharing it....so I try to capture it via writing them down, or taking a photo of them, or making a poem about them...I try to use all tools that are at my disposal, and I am so happy to see that there are some people for whom it is "understandable" and possible to identify with.  I admit I was a bit afraid that people are so much more different..and they would not understand the depths of my inner world...but I am happy if by sharing a bit of it, it can enrich the life of others too, so..thanks Anonymus!

Another great thing that happened today is that we started to organize our trip to Cesky Krumlov!!!!!  I am sooooo thrilled about that.  I've heard a lot about the place, saw pictures and I am extremely keen on visiting it!  When I talked to my mom, she was a bit sad about the fact that it is already August..and true...I feel like the summer is slipping through my fingers...but what I truly love is the Autumn...with her delicate colourful dress, blue eyes, read hair..the lady with a melancholic smile...I can hardly wait for her to arrive, and with a wave of her hand transform the green leaves into gold, red and orange, wrap small villages into fog, and make the fruits ripe while dancing through the vineyards.  I'v not taken any holiday in the summer, but I have some saved for the Autumn.  I hope to have my new camera by then, and be able to preserve some of its beauty for the stillness of the winter.  So Cesky Krumlov is on the plan for September, and then...if there are still some days left, I hope to make another trip..to either Krakow, or somewhere in Slovakia (maybe Praha...uhh..the lovely Praha) alone...I long for a little room..or house in the nature (if I choose Slovakia - hopefully Vysoke Tatry) I'd take my notebook, a pen..some books, my camera, and I'd spend those days writing, walking, smelling, relaxing, putting together puzzles...drinking tea...cooking...sitting next to the fireplace, listening to the crackling of the wood inside..watching the dancing embers...mmmm....I know what I'll dream about tonight!!!

The last little piece of joy for today was, that I talked to a colleague, and he ...well...he told me that he thinks my flat is like a "vampire home".  I did not feel offended...I liked the idea, and soon it rang a bell!  A while ago, I used to be "kis vampiiiir" but..recently she kind of disappeared..though I liked her..she was childish, wild, reckless, but playful...I had too many "heavy" things on my mind, so I completely put her aside.. (moje mala vampiiiirko, moc na tebe myslim...a virtual vampire pal used to say to me)  I think it is because her verfarkas set off, and decided to explore the world...went away in search of a verfarkas girl...but! kis vampiiir..needs to be strong...she needs to gain back authority, and this colleague unwillingly opened my eyes to that! 

So..kis vampiiiir is getting a bit tired, she still needs to take a shower, and read a bit before sinking into the fluffy dreamclouds...but..all in all, I'm thankful for this day...I feel alive again!