Some days are hard to start...

It is rather unusual that it is 10:21 in the morning, and I am at home...sitting, thinking, waiting...Outside there is a thunderstorm, I can hear the even drops hitting the roofs of the houses and cars..I feel melancholic..would like to drink a cup of tea, and just gaze at the rain...but the problem is, if I do that, the memories rush at me...and in the past couple of months I've been engaged in getting so many new experiences as possible...just to eliminate the memories overtaking my mind and heart...but on days like this, when it is grey, and a multitude of umbrellas cover the streets I cannot help it...I travel back to the past, cuddle on my bed, and I am lost in thoughts...

Maybe it was needed.....I have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible, just to prevent spending time with myself...but I could not escape it..the Universe decided to intervene...to force me to sit down and look inside me...Last night I had a strange dream...I've met a person I knew once, and we tried to talk..like friends...he asked me if I am OK now...if I have accepted the path fate put me on...his eyes were filled with sadness, it seemed like he is doing the things not because of His own will, but as if he was obiding a greater force, yet unknown to him..I wanted to hug him, and wanted to ask, if that is really what his heart desires, but I did not get the chance...because he vanished...and I was left there at a place not secure..from where I needed to run away...then..I never found him again.  After the dream I woke up, heard the raindrops, and was unable to get back to sleep again...the feelings, thoughts and experiences originating from the dream whirled in my head, and I started to feel sick...out of balance...lately I have been trying to be so strong, gaining control, and toughening up...but a dream like this just pushes me off track, and I feel weak, and confused.  Then..an hour passed and I decided to have breakfast, drink my coffee while listening to Puccini: Che Gelida Manina, and in the meanwhile watching the pouring rain....I was about to leave, when I realized, that today is the day when my chimney needs to get controlled...great...my flatmates are not at home, I should get to the office too, but as it is a legal obligation to have the chimney controlled, I had no option but to call my boss and tell him, I'm going to be late today...and that is where I am now...sitting waiting..thinking...writing... It is half past 10 already, and I might need to sit here another hour...in the best case...but everything happens for a reason...I am thinking it is a wicked trick of God to let everything coincide this way, as to make me sit down for a while, and look at my life from a different perspective...a bit from outside...threw somebody else's eyes...

Time flies by...people come and go in our lives...we work...most of us do it to enable us achieving a kind of "standard of living"...flat, car..a place and financial background to give us security, and chance to raise a family...some of us work...time to time I feel like that too...to earn money that I can spend on things I like to do...buying a high quality camera..traveling to fascinating places..especially mountains and forest in Europe..but still I feel like it is temporary...still I feel like this is not the major goal...of course I learn and learned many things throughout these journeys, about my limitations, about my perseverance, physical barriers and so on....I met new people, new attitudes, visions, opinions...my perspective on things hand in hand with my horizon has widened...but on a rainy day like this...I still feel lonely...and too dreamy for this world I belong.  I still feel like I am in the beginning of my search for gold, but yet I have the suspicion, that the gold is hidden somewhere very near to me..but stupid me...I am unable to find it...I make myself believe it is probably very complicated to get near to it, and cannot manage to discover the simple ways.  I cannot get rid of the guilt I feel for the mistakes I have made...there are moments when I am able to be thankful for them, as it is the mistakes, and huge slaps in the face that teach me the most important things, and give me the worthiest lessons of life...but on a rainy day like this, I sank into apathy, sadness, and drive a bloody battle against my soul...torturing my heart with the knifes of regret...I know..it is a war where some battles can be lost, but the important thing is to focus on enduring, taking time to relax, collect strength and win at the end.  I know that my trust, and ability to open up, and love is at risk...I know I've built a wall around myself...I know that when it's raining I need to rush inside my castle, and close the doors to prevent the water coming in...I know it is the time when my eyes are set on the far away mountain tops surrounding the castle...I know that days like this are needed...to remind me to take my time, and instead of pushing away not pleasant feelings and thoughts from me..I'd better face them, and take peace with them...for a while at least...until the sun becomes visible on the horizon again...