This weekend, we were supposed to go to lake Balaton with the boys. We prepared, planned to meet at 6 AM today, get in the car, drive down the lake, set up the tent, hike a bit, then swim a bit...and finally have some "beer drinking contest" which I was sure to win against the boys..but...again, the Universe intervened, it started to rain, the weather cooled down, and we agreed not to go...Instead we went out for a beer and pizza last night, then had a walk from Raday street to the Chain bridge..It was a lovely evening, tourists have been buzzing around everywhere like bees in a fragranted spring garden..At the bridge we sat down, and had a magnificent view on the river, and the castle...A guy was playing on empty winebottles, and my guys were telling jokes...I was laughing, but time to time became silent, as I sat there, and watched the place, where I lied once on a hot summer afternoon, eating fresh strawberries and grapes...It was a fine afternoon then, and much time has passed, many things happened, but this memory stayed clear in my head...I remember watching the blue sky, and feeling the touch of the lips of a fine fellow on my forehead as he kissed it...Strange it is...I forget so many things..things I did not want to forget...but then..there are several memories I wished to get rid of (for my own good) and I am unable..they stick to me, they keep on coming back to me, and in fact sweeten my life...
The guys talked about Budapest, then compared it to Prague..ehmm...a topic I did not want to raise, but still it appeared...out of the blue...and as they were talking about the differences between the 2 cities...I traveled back in time a bit again, and sunny, rainy, windy memories started to whirl in my head. Lately...I am not sure why, but I feel a strange attraction towards the city...and to the culture...and of course to the language...I try to understand it...if it is because I so much wanted to push away this "magnetic force" that is drawing me there, and yesterday evening, as I was sitting there I just shook away the chains, and set myself free so this magnetic force could finally complete its mission, and draw me completely.....or if it is because the more you fight against something the more it sticks to you...either way I had a great taste to be on the Charles bridge.....Then...again...now that it is summertime...I do not have much chance to practice the czech language, but just when I thought of taking my Krtko books, a friend shared a website with me, where you can learn a language, and share essays and excersises with natives, who can help you learn. In return, you help them learn your language, so it is truly great...I took it as a sign, and registered, and hopefully the summer will not pass without any practice..
After the walk I came home..the flat was empty...and decided to sleep...as long as possible the next morning, as now, that our trip was cancelled, I have not much to do, and realized, again...it is time for me to stop a bit..have a relaxing weekend, just by myself...having the chance to care a bit for myself...look a bit deeper, and rest...However, the morning wakeup was not so pleasant as I expected. In fact the whole night sleep was not too relaxing...because...as lately it is happening more often, I had another strange dream...I was in Prague...went there to visit a person....I found his home, where he was living with his beloved, and it was very weird, because I was in the dream, and outside of it too...the outside me started to question the one in the dream, what she is doing there, she has no reason to be there...but the girl in the dream, did not want to listen...she just walked into the house...meeting the person, who was very cold with her, kept on covering things, so that she would not see them..because he did not want to hurt her...but as they walked into the house, she heard the voice of his beloved, and became numb...then!!! the outside me called out again, telling the girl in the dream to go away, and thank God she finally listened to her...she quickly put on her shoes and ran away...but..she was lost in the city of Prague, was not sure how to find her way back to Florence...it was then his sister, who helped her to get to the station....This ....this was a very disturbing experience, because I could have gone anywhere in my dreams...anywhere..but not to Prague...and..the girl in the dream did exactly the opposite of what I would be doing in real life...she behaved as if there was a spell put on her...she was following a different path as to what I'd be following in reality...then...again...I woke up, and saw that it is raining, and I decided to stay in bed and pray...I told God that I am confused...I told Him, that I know that He is teaching me how to be patient in this period of my life...especially because this is an area, where I truly need to develop...but...I cannot understand...I thought this all was over, the cornerstone was passed, when one day I came home, and had the feeling, uprising from the depths of my heart...on that memorable evening I sat down and felt that nothing is more important for me but to know that my loved ones are happy, and content...I felt and told God that I'd sacrifice everything for their happiness...and this was especially true for one person (a person who was very very close to me for a fraction of my life) ...it was a very strange discovery for me...because normally I would have had to feel some anger and sadness towards the person, but on that evening I started to smile as I visioned him being where he belongs, with the person to whom he belongs...I prayed, and asked God for a lot of blessing on his life, I prayed that He takes good care of him, and gives him all the presents of life because he deserves it, I told God He can ask anything from me in return for giving him happiness and joy.....this feeling set me free, and I thought after that, all I need is a bit more time, and I shall be finding my balance again....but then...there are the nights and dreams...and that is an area...where I cannot be in control...so of course, that is the best testing ground....so I woke up, and asked God in confusion, why He does not have some mercy on me...why He thinks I need more tests..how come I have not yet learned the lesson of patience...then I thought a bit more...counted all the blessings He gave me in this life (my family, the friends, a place where I can live, a job, a nice city, the possibilty of traveling to magical places) and I felt ashamed...He has given, and is still giving me so much...providing me so much source of joy...overcoming this obstacle of not uderstanding why I cannot detach myself from the past is really nothing compared to the gifts I got from Him...Maybe...one day...if I am patient enough :) I shall understand...and I shall even be thankful for this year...for this period in my life...In fact come to think of it I am already thankful! I have changed much, I am not so stiff any more...I do not look on people doing "not average" things as crazy...I do not mind about other people's opinion so much any more...I do not stress, I do not let myself be swallowed by the work... I am OK with talking to strangers....I am trying to say "yes" to more and more things, I am taking part in more and more adventures, I do not spend my time going to second hand shops, or sleeping, but I am walking when I have the taste, I am meeting friends when I feel like it, I am eating if I am hungry...I am writing when I think some thoughts need to be put on paper...I feel like I have been a big fatty worm in the past year, and now slowly, and with difficulties, but the butterfly of my soul is ready to fly away....I am doing things I thought I wouldn't do...the colours started to come back to my life finally, and if I manage to step over regret, I should be experiencing contentment....as a proof :) I am even preparing for another milestone tonight! Since last fall, I did not touch the puzzle (2000pieces) I bought then, because it served as a taboo...it reminded me of the time when I had a helping hand in putting together the picture...but tonight...I need to overcome this obstacle as well, I shall sit down...and start working on fitting the little pieces next to each other...by myself...step by step...while listening to some good music :)
After this morning "seans" I went to the railway station, where I met my sister and her family. The little ones were to go to Sopron for vacation :) and they had a couple hours to spare..So we talked, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company...these kids...are soooooooooooo beautiful...Kami princess and cunning Jona. They have grown much, Kami is going to school from September...we walked a bit hand in hand, and it filled me with so much joy to be with them for a while...When their "hosts" have arrived, we took them to the train, then said goodbye..waved, and left. Hmmm...goodbyes I see are not always hard...this was a goodbye too, but I know we will see each other next weekend as well, so it was not so heart tearing as the last one I participated in.
As I was coming back to the flat...I realized...the soul/heart knows it all...the sad thing is...it is difficult to listen to it...what it is whispering to us...but I am making progress and try to pay as much attention as possible...It told me...I should not feel sad about the fact that this weekend I'll be on my own...alone... and I should not feel bad regarding my morning confusion, my doubts, and questions...because I know ...there...deep down..what it takes to found the fountain of joy. I know exactly what gives me pleasure...I know I just need nature, the stars, the moon and sun, the velvety sky, the meadows, the mountain tops, the harmony of music to fullfill me...and that...however strange it might sound can be discovered in the middle of the city as well...if..we take the effort and listen carefully!
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