I could be writing about long hours in the office..about crowds in shopping malls, about rush, frustration, spending money, travelling, exhaustion, empty flat...but I choose not to...rather I'd like to share my dream about a Christmas..my feelings, my desires, a picture of this special time of the year..how it is settled deep within my heart..a vision, I'd wish everyone could parttake in...once...
In my dreams, there is a little house next to the forest..sinking softly in the snow, just like a little nest..hidden amongst the vast land of fluffy feathers..its small chimney is puffing a gentle smoke, making it even more inviting...even more cozy...it is the only sign of life amidst the still, peaceful, frozen world. All the branches of the trees are coated with ice, they hold a thick layer of snow, just like the roof of the small house. There are icicles hanging from the terrace top, a gift, a special decoration for those, who respect nature and choose to live close to it. The fence enclosing a merry company of snowman builders is deeply embedded in the freshly fallen snow. On the courtyard a curious creature - chocolate brown labrador - is marveling at what those mitten wearing, scarfed humans are doing. He'd like to be of help, therefore keeps on jumping up and down with enthusiasm and sniffs at the snow time to time, making his nose look like he just lifted his head up from a jar filled with whipped cream. Yep, everyone is happy for the snow! To celebrate it, a new family member is being created. Little stones of coal, carrot and a sweeper is looked after in the barn, and the creation begins. It takes time, and hard work, but the result is fascinating. A huge, smiling, yet noble snowman, with a nice big bucket serving as his hat. The wild animals exploring from behind the tree all come to see the newborn, a child of winter, the mighty king of the snow covered infinity.
Inside the little house all sort of delicacies are being prepared. Soup boiling, meat roasting, gingerbread figurines are springing into life, as the practiced hands help them to form their personalities through their unique forms. The fire whistles merrily, filling the whole place with the tart smell of orange skin, drying, evapourating on top of it. The star of the night, the Christmas tree is being decorated with care, surrounded by glimmering eyes, and cold bit red faces. The morning and afternoon is all about enthusiastic preparation...getting ready for the evening, when the most wonderful gift to humankind is being celebrated. The ones in the little house know this. They feel it deep down in their hearts. They know that with decorating the tree, with cooking the most delicious of meals (everyone's favourite) they do not only follow a habit...but in the meantime they dress their souls up too..to shine, to gleam, to radiate the warmth of love to the ones present, and to the whole world. They stare at the foggy window and marvel at the slowly, playfully swirling snowflakes, and the little blue-yellow birds besieging the little house set up for them on the ledge, full of seeds, that'll keep their small stomach full, and satisfied.
When the evening comes, the habitants of the little house on the edge of the small town go to the church. They choose to walk, because they love the sound of crackling snow underneath their feet. In the church they hear the most important message, that should not only be remembered on this special night but throughout the rest of our lives: Faith, Love and Hope, and of all of these, the greatest is Love. With these 3 words, nicely wrapped and nested in their heart, they head home, to that lovely little house, that preserved all its warmth, and intimacy for them.
As they step in, a certain kind of solemnity falls to everyone. All within the family feel it..young or old...it's the realization of belonging to each other. It's the love, that immense love overflowing their hearts, filling the air, and all it's atoms with coziness, with appreciation that they are there for each other...that the world can end in any minute, but nothing could break the connection between them...it's the ancient knowledge, that they are tied to each other by the bond of Love that withstands everything...that nothing is strong enough to destroy these ties. Storms can come, bad times can make people feel hopeless, but this everlasting fire will always be burning within their hearts. It is something that cannot be described by words, but is there in the gleaming of those eyes...in the salty hotness of those tears cried because of letting this majestic feeling overtake their hearts...it is the absolute realization, that after all...we are not alone...that there are moments, when that little heart sets itself free from the prison of the cruel lord called Ego, and then we feel like, we are truly at home. That the moment, when everything is perfect and complete, and we'd like the time to stop, has arrived. The homemade presents handed over to each other are just small symbols of this captivating, powerful feeling dominating the evening.
Cheerful laughs fill the room, as presents are opened, and Christmas dinner is served. All that fun in the snow, preparation...all those sentiments.....lead into a string of continous yawns..starting to pop up amongst the younger generation, being passed slowly onto the older ones. The dog is already snoring on the carpet, next to the door, the thrill of all that joy, all those games tired him. A well deserved sleep awaits them all, and after checking the snowman from the window, if he's still watching over their sleepy home, they fall into soft white dreams, inhaling the soulsooothing smell of the pine tree, as the fire is dinging in the fireplace, telling tales of ancient times, heroes, secrets and treasures, which many have gone in search to find, but they managed to explore on this special Christmas night...that love is ultimate, and is above all.
Monday, 19 December 2011
Monday, 5 December 2011
Water and fire
Monday is not my favourite day to start with...another week, work, computers, office, tasks, emails, calls...another day of determining to change it all, another reassurance of being completely trapped in a rat race, without any exit signs..It was raining as I headed to the office, and for an hour or so, I could not really push myself to work, instead I gazed at the rushingly passing grey clouds from the window. The day actually went quicker than I expected, as the issues started to pop up like mushrooms in the autum forest after a good rain, and I found myself being so much absorbed, I forgot to notice the passing of time. It was 7 pm, when I finally grabbed my things and left. This time, I did not walk all the way home, I got on the subway, then got off at station from where it's still a good 30 minutes to arrive home, if one decides to walk. And I decided to walk...impossibly enough, today was a really warm day for a winter! As my legs obediently carried me towards my flat, I let my coat be unbuttoned, to serve as a meaningful invitation for the mild evening breeze, encouraging him to exhale a kiss on every square millimeter of my body. It felt so fascinating, so refreshing! Standing there in the wind, battling with the breeze wishing to undress me, while the back of my black coat floated behind me, despairingly clinging to me. I believe some people shot a strange look towards my direction, as they noticed my uncovered neck, and satisfied smile.
Upon arriving home, my first thing was to prepare a tea for myself, which I drank while surfing a bit on internet. And then I started to feel some tension in my muscles...there was nothing interesting to read, and in fact I grew tired of looking at the screen, so for a while I just sat, and several thoughts crossed my mind. I felt the urge of giving some workout for my body. Lately I've spent some time looking for some courses, which would be at a fitful time, and would serve as a stress dissolver after work, aaaand first I was thinking about some martial art, but then! It dawned on me...I needed to dance...it always helped me release the pain, to push up the level of adrenalin, and to fly me to my world of dreams.
I've got a favourite song..it feels like, every time I listen to it, as if it was written for me..the tunes, the melody has it all, all I'd want to say, but never could..it speaks from the bottom of my heart. It is the song called "Tango to Evora" and this time, I found a quicker, danceable version of it. I started to play it, and unwillingly, my body started to sway...I got up, turned the lights on, dressed down, to be more comfortable, and eliminate any obstacles for my body to move as it wishes, and started to dance. All the grief, the sorrow, the impatience and satisfaction disappeared, it got transformed to a renewed energy, that opened the gates of my imagination. I was not in my room any more...it was not me any more...the beast within me got released, and after being locked up, pushed behind for a while, it went crazy, and drifted me along with herself. I was there dancing on the cliff above the sea, while the wawes hit the rocks with a thundering roar....I was in the middle of the spring field, surrounded by thousands of flowers....I was dancing under the falling leaves in an autumn forest, as well as under the starry summer sky. My eyes gleamed with fire, and I felt the power enough to overtake the whole world if I wanted to. And then...I understood...lately I've been satisfying only a certain side of me...I have been too much of a conformist...complying with the laws, and normal expectations...but there's a side to me that dwells within the deep, and she is crazy...she's a witch, she doesn't mind if what she does shocks people, she loves the nature and defies habits, customs, or behavioural codexes. I've yet to learn how to handle this witch, how to set her free,hopefully the practice of dancing will serve the purpose, as when I'm dancing I'm the fire....but in all the rest I do, I feel myself more identical to water...2 elements...2 contraries..if I'm not careful, the water can extinguish all the fire, leaving nothing, but steam behind, that disappears in the thin air....
Upon arriving home, my first thing was to prepare a tea for myself, which I drank while surfing a bit on internet. And then I started to feel some tension in my muscles...there was nothing interesting to read, and in fact I grew tired of looking at the screen, so for a while I just sat, and several thoughts crossed my mind. I felt the urge of giving some workout for my body. Lately I've spent some time looking for some courses, which would be at a fitful time, and would serve as a stress dissolver after work, aaaand first I was thinking about some martial art, but then! It dawned on me...I needed to dance...it always helped me release the pain, to push up the level of adrenalin, and to fly me to my world of dreams.
I've got a favourite song..it feels like, every time I listen to it, as if it was written for me..the tunes, the melody has it all, all I'd want to say, but never could..it speaks from the bottom of my heart. It is the song called "Tango to Evora" and this time, I found a quicker, danceable version of it. I started to play it, and unwillingly, my body started to sway...I got up, turned the lights on, dressed down, to be more comfortable, and eliminate any obstacles for my body to move as it wishes, and started to dance. All the grief, the sorrow, the impatience and satisfaction disappeared, it got transformed to a renewed energy, that opened the gates of my imagination. I was not in my room any more...it was not me any more...the beast within me got released, and after being locked up, pushed behind for a while, it went crazy, and drifted me along with herself. I was there dancing on the cliff above the sea, while the wawes hit the rocks with a thundering roar....I was in the middle of the spring field, surrounded by thousands of flowers....I was dancing under the falling leaves in an autumn forest, as well as under the starry summer sky. My eyes gleamed with fire, and I felt the power enough to overtake the whole world if I wanted to. And then...I understood...lately I've been satisfying only a certain side of me...I have been too much of a conformist...complying with the laws, and normal expectations...but there's a side to me that dwells within the deep, and she is crazy...she's a witch, she doesn't mind if what she does shocks people, she loves the nature and defies habits, customs, or behavioural codexes. I've yet to learn how to handle this witch, how to set her free,hopefully the practice of dancing will serve the purpose, as when I'm dancing I'm the fire....but in all the rest I do, I feel myself more identical to water...2 elements...2 contraries..if I'm not careful, the water can extinguish all the fire, leaving nothing, but steam behind, that disappears in the thin air....
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Not giving in..not giving up
Autumn's gold has been traded for winter's gloom...the yawning buildings, black coats, nose tickling smell of roasted marones and cold hands above the fire waiting to be brought back to life...this is the time when the world is dreaming about the cheerful, colour packed summer days. Memories of carefree barefeet running on the field, gentle sunrays drinking up water pearls from ours skin..music, life, buzzing of bugs all around, and winking stars that giggle as they reflect in our eyes while watching them from the top of bale of hay. But winter has its charm...it makes us dwell a bit more inside..chill..stop for a second, and give wings to our fantasies with a nice cup of hot tea by our sides. This is the time for collecting the little seeds, that get planted in the spring. The sun rushes to sleep to steal the light from the days, only to leave us in darkness..alone with our thoughts and desires. Yet I must say I love it...only these days do I learn to appreciate the warmth, when outside it's cold...only now do I learn to appreciate the colours, when outside everything melts into the shade of grey or white. The roughness and gloominess of the winter...this heart freezing stillness is needed, to teach us patience, and strengthen our faith. Because all winter is followed by the spring, yet in December there are days when it seems out of reach..when I feel I'm stuck in the melancholy, and I don't find the grip...no control is in my hands of changing it..it has it's time, and it happens for a reason, but if I keep on believing, that it will be exchanged by days filled with flower fragrant, smiles and the rebirth of nature, it will come. Till then, I have to be ready to enjoy and utilize all the beauty, and wisdom winter has to offer.
I realized, that the greatest thing hindering me from finding myself was that I gave up the hope, and as such lost faith...and we all know that there are 3 great things: Faith, Hope and Love..and the greatest of these is Love..but can Love survive in someone, who has lost hope and faith? I'm not sure... I lost faith ..well..I thought in the world...but I realized now, that it was just a consequence...I lost faith in myself...I gave up dreaming big...I gave in to logic...rationalism...I started to expect things which were compatible with other people's expectations...I thought to myself, maybe I really need to realize what things are possible, and what not. I started to categorize, and based on what I saw around me, based on what stories I've heard, I lost my faith in myself and in others...I lost my hope of being able to share the joy and magic sparkling within me. I thought it is time for me to "grow up" and fit in the society, that seemingly works so well for so many...providing jobs, places of entertainment, relationships....marriages. I started to look at people, and compared to me they seemed so "normal", living their lives, how it should be..reaching their 30s, working, buying a house, founding a family. I could not understand, how can it be, that it goes so well for them, but I cannot show up any records on this frontier. I started to dwell within me and look for errors I'm committing, I started to analyze my behaviour and attitude, but could not come up with the solution, and maybe it is so because there is no formula for it. So for a while, I thought I could try to be like others, working and...working, and going out, not thinking so much, take things that come my way etc. Well, nothing happened, apart from realizing that....I cannot fully adapt to the world and become like it is...in fact I don't need to adapt..maybe many do it, because it's easier, or because it really satisfies them, and they really don't wish for more.....but I should'nt....I can't slowly "kill" myself with doubtfulness, criticism, cynicism and cold logic, because that's what happened when I tried to adapt (maybe my way of adapting was not the best either)...I put aside the dreams and exchanged them to plain experience, trends, news etc... Yeah the world is as it is, but I can't blame anything on it, as after all, it is mainly how I view it, that's what I learned.....and all the little miracles are part of it, I just need to be alert enough to find them. I know...sometimes...I get discouraged..boredom, sadness, fear, hopelessness and emptiness do overcome me, and I think..there is no reason...no harmony..no future...but then..a friend invites me for homemade lunch...another very good friend feels the need of it, and offers to take care of me while I'm sick..she calls me on the phone, and caresses my soul with her kind words, and slowly...deep within my soul a whole lava river of warmth, and love creeps up to my heart, which then gets pumped to my veins and every cell within my body.
I'm not sure yet, how many times I will need to start all over again...how many times I will fall, how many times I'll land in the deep black pitch of self pity, and how many times the clawful hands of hopelessness will be wrapped around my throat, barely letting me breathe...but every time it will happen I shall pray for strength to be capable of believing that dreams can be fulfilled, and for being reminded that I'm surrounded by magnificent, loving souls, who are willing to give me a helping hand when in need.
I realized, that the greatest thing hindering me from finding myself was that I gave up the hope, and as such lost faith...and we all know that there are 3 great things: Faith, Hope and Love..and the greatest of these is Love..but can Love survive in someone, who has lost hope and faith? I'm not sure... I lost faith ..well..I thought in the world...but I realized now, that it was just a consequence...I lost faith in myself...I gave up dreaming big...I gave in to logic...rationalism...I started to expect things which were compatible with other people's expectations...I thought to myself, maybe I really need to realize what things are possible, and what not. I started to categorize, and based on what I saw around me, based on what stories I've heard, I lost my faith in myself and in others...I lost my hope of being able to share the joy and magic sparkling within me. I thought it is time for me to "grow up" and fit in the society, that seemingly works so well for so many...providing jobs, places of entertainment, relationships....marriages. I started to look at people, and compared to me they seemed so "normal", living their lives, how it should be..reaching their 30s, working, buying a house, founding a family. I could not understand, how can it be, that it goes so well for them, but I cannot show up any records on this frontier. I started to dwell within me and look for errors I'm committing, I started to analyze my behaviour and attitude, but could not come up with the solution, and maybe it is so because there is no formula for it. So for a while, I thought I could try to be like others, working and...working, and going out, not thinking so much, take things that come my way etc. Well, nothing happened, apart from realizing that....I cannot fully adapt to the world and become like it is...in fact I don't need to adapt..maybe many do it, because it's easier, or because it really satisfies them, and they really don't wish for more.....but I should'nt....I can't slowly "kill" myself with doubtfulness, criticism, cynicism and cold logic, because that's what happened when I tried to adapt (maybe my way of adapting was not the best either)...I put aside the dreams and exchanged them to plain experience, trends, news etc... Yeah the world is as it is, but I can't blame anything on it, as after all, it is mainly how I view it, that's what I learned.....and all the little miracles are part of it, I just need to be alert enough to find them. I know...sometimes...I get discouraged..boredom, sadness, fear, hopelessness and emptiness do overcome me, and I think..there is no reason...no harmony..no future...but then..a friend invites me for homemade lunch...another very good friend feels the need of it, and offers to take care of me while I'm sick..she calls me on the phone, and caresses my soul with her kind words, and slowly...deep within my soul a whole lava river of warmth, and love creeps up to my heart, which then gets pumped to my veins and every cell within my body.
I'm not sure yet, how many times I will need to start all over again...how many times I will fall, how many times I'll land in the deep black pitch of self pity, and how many times the clawful hands of hopelessness will be wrapped around my throat, barely letting me breathe...but every time it will happen I shall pray for strength to be capable of believing that dreams can be fulfilled, and for being reminded that I'm surrounded by magnificent, loving souls, who are willing to give me a helping hand when in need.
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Lost?
Time seems to have stopped...somewhere in the middle of a hazy, autumn afternoon...on the road to a railway station..it decided to have a rest in that love filled atmosphere when everything seemed to be perfect, and in balance..
Now it's December..the Christmas is coming, but I don't feel it...the joyous expectation has flown far away from me..I'm sitting by my table, warmth is radiating from the heater in the room, yet a certain kind of chill is cooling me from inside..no lights are on, only my 2 candles are burning ...1 is placed in an orange coloured candleholder, with cats painted on them..they smile contently, while their shadows dance on the wall..the other has the picture of a winter city on it, with colourful houses..like the ones I first saw in Prague...the ones I always wished to paint on plates..Bon Iver is singing his song, "Skinny Love" and...there is a certain air of past times...in this evening...I sat down next to my computer, wishing to describe it, to share it...to mark it...to put it in a form, so that it can be shared, but I seem to fail...maybe because it is so complex...maybe because it's too melancholic and does not suit the mood connected to this time of the year...
Today afternoon I went out to the Christmas market at Vorosmarty square...it was raining so heavily, that I got completely wet..and frozen..there was a whole crowd of people, in groups, looking around, drinking mulled wine, chatting, trying to steal a bit of the "longing" into their souls...it was nice to see them, hunting for presents, enjoying themselves...and...yet, it was a bit sad too...for me...because they all seemed to be knowing something I don't...they seemed to be determined, filled with plans, as if they knew what they wanted, and also, the way of getting there...while me...these weeks I feel lost...I'm not sure where it's coming from..maybe it is because we are getting close to the end of the year, and I just start to realize, how quickly another year of my life has passed by. Maybe it is because I had expectation with regards to the end of this year....I wanted this year to be done...because it was probably one of the toughest so far..not phisically, or financially, nope, in my inner world...growth...I knew it will not be easy to overcome..and maybe I expected the end of the year to be different...maybe I was waiting for a magic fairy to change it all with a swoosh of her wand..and...the yearend is coming closer and not much seem to have been changed...
I traveled "around the world"...almost...this year I've been to Spain, Amsterdam, UK, Romania, Slovenia, Czech Republic, France, Austria, Morocco, Poland...all this traveling was done, and besides getting familiar with those cultures, and widening my horizon, I still did not reach what I was truly looking for...figuring out what could make me happy, how I could establish new dreams, and start working on them. Right now, it all seems a bit like all I've done was a way of escaping...escaping from something that was too hard to overcome otherwise..something that might always appear as a big question mark in my life. Next year..I don't plan to travel...I had enough of it for a while...instead of doing that, I hope to spend more time finding something that pleases my soul...that brings me closer to myself...I mean my true self....Working very hard to chase away thoughts, traveling, making tons of programs only placed additional layers on what I should be digging up...I'm not saying I regret it...not a minute of it...it had to be so, it had to be tried..so that now I could see, it's not the right path....the only problem is, I'm not sure what is the right path....I feel like I could sit here for ages..listening to the rain outside, imagining the cold..appreciating the warmth within the shelter of my home...this cozyness, the tunes of music are so soothing for my soul...and yet, these are the times when I start to think...and it's not always advantageous....because then a feeling of being out of place and lost overcomes me...a feeling of lost hopes...a feeling of emptyness...a shiver shakes my whole body, and I find myself standing on a snowy road, in the cold night...the lights of warm rooms in the houses of a nearby village within sight...and I feel the longing..of wanting to go there...entering those rooms...but knowing that I don't belong there, because noone is waiting there for me...I know it sounds sad and depressive, maybe it is just the fever talking from me at the moment....but it's so...I feel like I've lost the connection...the ability to connect to others' heart, and also the ability of receiving/welcoming others wanting to connect to my heart...seems like I can't find that special connection again...and maybe it is because I built too many walls around myself...protecting myself, but by the same token, locking myself in within those walls...maybe all this melancholy is again the byproduct of my dreams clashing with reality...maybe I really should start viewing the world as it is, and not through the glasses of my emotions/visions/dreams...but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that....because I'm born like that...dreamy...sensitive...closed and....weird...
It just...all seems to be upside down...inside out...lopsided...routinous..superficial...fake...lukewarm...where did righteousness, respect, beauty, deep emotions, loyalty and love all go? Is it all here, but I'm too blind to see? Or has it chosen another planet..space and moved there? If yes..is there a way I could bring it back? I feel lazy....maybe I am not trying enough to search for happiness and walk along its side...maybe I am weak too, because I give in too easily for the dissatisfaction, and my ego, who loves to complain, and paint black the skies of life...yeah...for the moment the warrior is certainly at rest...she needs to relax, and pull together her strength to keep her going, fighting the coming battles...I guess its acceptable to have such moments...evenings when she puts down the armour, and allows loneliness, sadness and fear sitting with her around the fire. After all, it's good to get familiar with the nature of the enemy, if one wants to be successful in the war...
Now it's December..the Christmas is coming, but I don't feel it...the joyous expectation has flown far away from me..I'm sitting by my table, warmth is radiating from the heater in the room, yet a certain kind of chill is cooling me from inside..no lights are on, only my 2 candles are burning ...1 is placed in an orange coloured candleholder, with cats painted on them..they smile contently, while their shadows dance on the wall..the other has the picture of a winter city on it, with colourful houses..like the ones I first saw in Prague...the ones I always wished to paint on plates..Bon Iver is singing his song, "Skinny Love" and...there is a certain air of past times...in this evening...I sat down next to my computer, wishing to describe it, to share it...to mark it...to put it in a form, so that it can be shared, but I seem to fail...maybe because it is so complex...maybe because it's too melancholic and does not suit the mood connected to this time of the year...
Today afternoon I went out to the Christmas market at Vorosmarty square...it was raining so heavily, that I got completely wet..and frozen..there was a whole crowd of people, in groups, looking around, drinking mulled wine, chatting, trying to steal a bit of the "longing" into their souls...it was nice to see them, hunting for presents, enjoying themselves...and...yet, it was a bit sad too...for me...because they all seemed to be knowing something I don't...they seemed to be determined, filled with plans, as if they knew what they wanted, and also, the way of getting there...while me...these weeks I feel lost...I'm not sure where it's coming from..maybe it is because we are getting close to the end of the year, and I just start to realize, how quickly another year of my life has passed by. Maybe it is because I had expectation with regards to the end of this year....I wanted this year to be done...because it was probably one of the toughest so far..not phisically, or financially, nope, in my inner world...growth...I knew it will not be easy to overcome..and maybe I expected the end of the year to be different...maybe I was waiting for a magic fairy to change it all with a swoosh of her wand..and...the yearend is coming closer and not much seem to have been changed...
I traveled "around the world"...almost...this year I've been to Spain, Amsterdam, UK, Romania, Slovenia, Czech Republic, France, Austria, Morocco, Poland...all this traveling was done, and besides getting familiar with those cultures, and widening my horizon, I still did not reach what I was truly looking for...figuring out what could make me happy, how I could establish new dreams, and start working on them. Right now, it all seems a bit like all I've done was a way of escaping...escaping from something that was too hard to overcome otherwise..something that might always appear as a big question mark in my life. Next year..I don't plan to travel...I had enough of it for a while...instead of doing that, I hope to spend more time finding something that pleases my soul...that brings me closer to myself...I mean my true self....Working very hard to chase away thoughts, traveling, making tons of programs only placed additional layers on what I should be digging up...I'm not saying I regret it...not a minute of it...it had to be so, it had to be tried..so that now I could see, it's not the right path....the only problem is, I'm not sure what is the right path....I feel like I could sit here for ages..listening to the rain outside, imagining the cold..appreciating the warmth within the shelter of my home...this cozyness, the tunes of music are so soothing for my soul...and yet, these are the times when I start to think...and it's not always advantageous....because then a feeling of being out of place and lost overcomes me...a feeling of lost hopes...a feeling of emptyness...a shiver shakes my whole body, and I find myself standing on a snowy road, in the cold night...the lights of warm rooms in the houses of a nearby village within sight...and I feel the longing..of wanting to go there...entering those rooms...but knowing that I don't belong there, because noone is waiting there for me...I know it sounds sad and depressive, maybe it is just the fever talking from me at the moment....but it's so...I feel like I've lost the connection...the ability to connect to others' heart, and also the ability of receiving/welcoming others wanting to connect to my heart...seems like I can't find that special connection again...and maybe it is because I built too many walls around myself...protecting myself, but by the same token, locking myself in within those walls...maybe all this melancholy is again the byproduct of my dreams clashing with reality...maybe I really should start viewing the world as it is, and not through the glasses of my emotions/visions/dreams...but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that....because I'm born like that...dreamy...sensitive...closed and....weird...
It just...all seems to be upside down...inside out...lopsided...routinous..superficial...fake...lukewarm...where did righteousness, respect, beauty, deep emotions, loyalty and love all go? Is it all here, but I'm too blind to see? Or has it chosen another planet..space and moved there? If yes..is there a way I could bring it back? I feel lazy....maybe I am not trying enough to search for happiness and walk along its side...maybe I am weak too, because I give in too easily for the dissatisfaction, and my ego, who loves to complain, and paint black the skies of life...yeah...for the moment the warrior is certainly at rest...she needs to relax, and pull together her strength to keep her going, fighting the coming battles...I guess its acceptable to have such moments...evenings when she puts down the armour, and allows loneliness, sadness and fear sitting with her around the fire. After all, it's good to get familiar with the nature of the enemy, if one wants to be successful in the war...
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