Lost?

Time seems to have stopped...somewhere in the middle of a hazy, autumn afternoon...on the road to a railway station..it decided to have a rest in that love filled atmosphere when everything seemed to be perfect, and in balance..

Now it's December..the Christmas is coming, but I don't feel it...the joyous expectation has flown far away from me..I'm sitting by my table, warmth is radiating from the heater in the room, yet a certain kind of chill is cooling me from inside..no lights are on, only my 2 candles are burning ...1 is placed in an  orange coloured candleholder, with cats painted on them..they smile contently, while their shadows dance on the wall..the other has the picture of a winter city on it, with colourful houses..like the ones I first saw in Prague...the ones I always wished to paint on plates..Bon Iver is singing his song, "Skinny Love" and...there is a certain air of past times...in this evening...I sat down next to my computer, wishing to describe it, to share it...to mark it...to put it in a form, so that it can be shared, but I seem to fail...maybe because it is so complex...maybe because it's too melancholic and does not suit the mood connected to this time of the year...

Today afternoon I went out to the Christmas market at Vorosmarty square...it was raining so heavily, that I got completely wet..and frozen..there was a whole crowd of people, in groups, looking around, drinking mulled wine, chatting, trying to steal a bit of the "longing" into their souls...it was nice to see them, hunting for presents, enjoying themselves...and...yet, it was a bit sad too...for me...because they all seemed to be knowing something I don't...they seemed to be determined, filled with plans, as if they knew what they wanted, and also, the way of getting there...while me...these weeks I feel lost...I'm not sure where it's coming from..maybe it is because we are getting close to the end of the year, and I just start to realize, how quickly another year of my life has passed by.  Maybe it is because I had expectation with regards to the end of this year....I wanted this year to be done...because it was probably one of the toughest so far..not phisically, or financially, nope, in my inner world...growth...I knew it will not be easy to overcome..and maybe I expected the end of the year to be different...maybe I was waiting for a magic fairy to change it all with a swoosh of her wand..and...the yearend is coming closer and not much seem to have been changed...

I traveled "around the world"...almost...this year I've been to Spain, Amsterdam, UK, Romania, Slovenia, Czech Republic, France, Austria, Morocco, Poland...all this traveling was done, and besides getting familiar with those cultures, and widening my horizon, I still did not reach what I was truly looking for...figuring out what could make me happy, how I could establish new dreams, and start working on them.  Right now, it all seems a bit like all I've done was a way of escaping...escaping from something that was too hard to overcome otherwise..something that might always appear as a big question mark in my life.  Next year..I don't plan to travel...I had enough of it for a while...instead of doing that, I hope to spend more time finding something that pleases my soul...that brings me closer to myself...I mean my true self....Working very hard to chase away thoughts, traveling, making tons of programs only placed additional layers on what I should be digging up...I'm not saying I regret it...not a minute of it...it had to be so, it had to be tried..so that now I could see, it's not the right path....the only problem is, I'm not sure what is the right path....I feel like I could sit here for ages..listening to the rain outside, imagining the cold..appreciating the warmth within the shelter of my home...this cozyness, the tunes of music are so soothing for my soul...and yet, these are the times when I start to think...and it's not always advantageous....because then a feeling of being out of place and lost overcomes me...a feeling of lost hopes...a feeling of emptyness...a shiver shakes my whole body, and I find myself standing on a snowy road, in the cold night...the lights of warm rooms in the houses of a nearby village within sight...and I feel the longing..of wanting to go there...entering those rooms...but knowing that I don't belong there, because noone is waiting there for me...I know it sounds sad and depressive, maybe it is just the fever talking from me at the moment....but it's so...I feel like I've lost the connection...the ability to connect to others' heart, and also the ability of receiving/welcoming others wanting to connect to my heart...seems like I can't find that special connection again...and maybe it is because I built too many walls around myself...protecting myself, but by the same token, locking myself in within those walls...maybe all this melancholy is again the byproduct of my dreams clashing with reality...maybe I really should start viewing the world as it is, and not through the glasses of my emotions/visions/dreams...but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that....because I'm born like that...dreamy...sensitive...closed and....weird...

It just...all seems to be upside down...inside out...lopsided...routinous..superficial...fake...lukewarm...where did righteousness, respect, beauty, deep emotions, loyalty and love all go? Is it all here, but I'm too blind to see?  Or has it chosen another planet..space and moved there?  If yes..is there a way I could bring it back?  I feel lazy....maybe I am not trying enough to search for happiness and walk along its side...maybe I am weak too, because I give in too easily for the dissatisfaction, and my ego, who loves to complain, and paint black the skies of life...yeah...for the moment the warrior is certainly at rest...she needs to relax, and pull together her strength to keep her going, fighting the coming battles...I guess its acceptable to have such moments...evenings when she puts down the armour, and allows loneliness, sadness and fear sitting with her around the fire.  After all, it's good to get familiar with the nature of the enemy, if one wants to be successful in the war...