Autumn's gold has been traded for winter's gloom...the yawning buildings, black coats, nose tickling smell of roasted marones and cold hands above the fire waiting to be brought back to life...this is the time when the world is dreaming about the cheerful, colour packed summer days. Memories of carefree barefeet running on the field, gentle sunrays drinking up water pearls from ours skin..music, life, buzzing of bugs all around, and winking stars that giggle as they reflect in our eyes while watching them from the top of bale of hay. But winter has its charm...it makes us dwell a bit more inside..chill..stop for a second, and give wings to our fantasies with a nice cup of hot tea by our sides. This is the time for collecting the little seeds, that get planted in the spring. The sun rushes to sleep to steal the light from the days, only to leave us in darkness..alone with our thoughts and desires. Yet I must say I love it...only these days do I learn to appreciate the warmth, when outside it's cold...only now do I learn to appreciate the colours, when outside everything melts into the shade of grey or white. The roughness and gloominess of the winter...this heart freezing stillness is needed, to teach us patience, and strengthen our faith. Because all winter is followed by the spring, yet in December there are days when it seems out of reach..when I feel I'm stuck in the melancholy, and I don't find the grip...no control is in my hands of changing it..it has it's time, and it happens for a reason, but if I keep on believing, that it will be exchanged by days filled with flower fragrant, smiles and the rebirth of nature, it will come. Till then, I have to be ready to enjoy and utilize all the beauty, and wisdom winter has to offer.
I realized, that the greatest thing hindering me from finding myself was that I gave up the hope, and as such lost faith...and we all know that there are 3 great things: Faith, Hope and Love..and the greatest of these is Love..but can Love survive in someone, who has lost hope and faith? I'm not sure... I lost faith ..well..I thought in the world...but I realized now, that it was just a consequence...I lost faith in myself...I gave up dreaming big...I gave in to logic...rationalism...I started to expect things which were compatible with other people's expectations...I thought to myself, maybe I really need to realize what things are possible, and what not. I started to categorize, and based on what I saw around me, based on what stories I've heard, I lost my faith in myself and in others...I lost my hope of being able to share the joy and magic sparkling within me. I thought it is time for me to "grow up" and fit in the society, that seemingly works so well for so many...providing jobs, places of entertainment, relationships....marriages. I started to look at people, and compared to me they seemed so "normal", living their lives, how it should be..reaching their 30s, working, buying a house, founding a family. I could not understand, how can it be, that it goes so well for them, but I cannot show up any records on this frontier. I started to dwell within me and look for errors I'm committing, I started to analyze my behaviour and attitude, but could not come up with the solution, and maybe it is so because there is no formula for it. So for a while, I thought I could try to be like others, working and...working, and going out, not thinking so much, take things that come my way etc. Well, nothing happened, apart from realizing that....I cannot fully adapt to the world and become like it is...in fact I don't need to adapt..maybe many do it, because it's easier, or because it really satisfies them, and they really don't wish for more.....but I should'nt....I can't slowly "kill" myself with doubtfulness, criticism, cynicism and cold logic, because that's what happened when I tried to adapt (maybe my way of adapting was not the best either)...I put aside the dreams and exchanged them to plain experience, trends, news etc... Yeah the world is as it is, but I can't blame anything on it, as after all, it is mainly how I view it, that's what I learned.....and all the little miracles are part of it, I just need to be alert enough to find them. I know...sometimes...I get discouraged..boredom, sadness, fear, hopelessness and emptiness do overcome me, and I think..there is no reason...no harmony..no future...but then..a friend invites me for homemade lunch...another very good friend feels the need of it, and offers to take care of me while I'm sick..she calls me on the phone, and caresses my soul with her kind words, and slowly...deep within my soul a whole lava river of warmth, and love creeps up to my heart, which then gets pumped to my veins and every cell within my body.
I'm not sure yet, how many times I will need to start all over again...how many times I will fall, how many times I'll land in the deep black pitch of self pity, and how many times the clawful hands of hopelessness will be wrapped around my throat, barely letting me breathe...but every time it will happen I shall pray for strength to be capable of believing that dreams can be fulfilled, and for being reminded that I'm surrounded by magnificent, loving souls, who are willing to give me a helping hand when in need.
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