Following my daily routine, I walked home from one of the metro stations yesterday. It was pretty late, almost midnight, yet I saw a number of youngsters, nicely dressed up, waiting for the tram, that will take them to the party, where they can drink, dance, meet people, and forget about the world. I was just about to forget about the world as well, but in a somewhat different way...the wind was blowing hardly as I crossed the bridge, but this did not prevent me to stop for a while, and marvel at the river below...By now almost all of the ice pieces have melted...only some thin ones were making their way south, reflecting the face of the frozen North carved on their surface. I know that it's just February still, but I could already feel the spring's promise in that wind yesterday evening. It was not as if little knifes were cutting under my coat, it was mild, playful, and frisky. I inhaled it, and with a sad smile said goodbye to the winter.
I was almost at home...I only needed to cross 1 street and then again...a couple meters and I arrive...but this time instead of crossing the streets on the pedestrian crossing, I decided to just shorten the way...it was late already, no cars..no people were passing by...and just when I was in the intersection of the two streets I decided to stop...I felt a strange kind of vibration within me, like if I was in the middle of something...where the two legs of the letter "X" meet....I looked above..clouds were rushing on the sky, and no stars could be spotted...then I looked around me..I am always used to walking next to the buildings, or on big..open avenues..I never really managed to observe what it is like to be in the middle of a crossroad...to my left & right...in front of me and behind me roads running somewhere...roads with limited width, thanks to the enormous buildings on their sides. I was standing there, lost in thought, clinging on to my freshly received Krtko calendar (which I received via the post from my friend Honza, and which made me extremely happy for the whole day)...the wind was blowing, the street lamps were hesitatingly paying attention to what I was doing..or rather, curiously waiting which path I'll choose. I knew the road that was about to take me home, yet I did not wish to move...I wanted to stay there, giving myself fully to the moment...the moment of quiet observation...this special perspective I've just discovered. The face of the night city is so much different...so much more mysterious in many ways...but my tiredness won over me, and I left the magical spot, after carving its atmosphere into my memory.
This morning indeed I slept long. I woke up well rested, ready for the day. Today's agenda was in fact short, I could summarize it with one word: cleaning. Yeah, in the past 2 weeks, I did not have much time to spare, and the comfort level of my home has undergone a serious drop as a result. This lead to me feeling more grumpy, and not at peace in my flat. Therefore today I did my best to cast out all the junk and unnecessary things from my home, making it a pleasant, heart warming place to be..and whilst cleaning I realized, that everybody - but me certainly - gets what she/he deserves. Now, you might be interested in how I managed to conclude it from cleaning, but not to worry, I'll explain.
I was moving some tables, and emptying boxes..throwing away papers and such...but of course, before getting rid of anything I checked what they were..and..like last time, I found some letters, which dated back to 2009...I sat down and read them, they were letters from the Mikulas (written by his helper Michal), and from the Macska Society (I will not explain the whole story, but in a nutshell, I was working as an agent for the Macska Society, and I came across some letters, which gave me a detailed description of my assignments, and also introduced me my co-agent, named Milo, to whom -as I was advised in the letter - I could turn to, whatever difficulties I am facing). After reading them, I could not really get myself to continue the work right away, because...the memories flooded my whole soul, and it took some time to get back to the "daily tasks". I was marveling at how really playful our love has been...how many different games we used to play, how many surprises and creative things were involved...how we liked to imagine that we are someone else..agents, or Santa, or the owner of the moths' choir...how much fun and joy it brought to take these "scenes" seriously, and act accordingly. Nowadays my life is much more "monotone"...it's lacking this kind of creativity...these kind of games, and I am not sure how to bring it back, but I'll definitely need to think about it, how I could make it a part of my life again, because I miss it badly. But the question is still unanswered, how I could conclude from that, that I get what I deserve..well...when I was taking part in those games...I took it for granted...I thought it's normal..and I did not value it at the time as I should have...I thought it will always be like that...I did not nurture it, I did not give thanks for it...and now here I am, on a Saturday afternoon, missing it so much, that the lack of it pulled the string very tight around my heart...making it wanting to break into millions of pieces...true is the saying, that one only knows what treasure she/he had, when she/he had already lost it. I'm not writing it to depress my beloved readers, I'd just like to warn everyone to be alert, and don't forget to appreciate what you have, because if you don't do so, you might loose it, and then it's too late to start appreciating it (rather just feeling the emptiness it left behind)...if it was important to you, you'll start searching for it again, but it takes a long time and much effort to have it again...at least this I definitely learned by now...not to forget appreciating things that make me smile, content and joyous, and also to give thanks for them...this way, even if they end, I won't have the guilty feeling burning in me, that it was taken away from me, because at the time of having it I didn't bother to value it.
Saturday, 18 February 2012
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Valentine
I need to confess I almost forgot that today it's the celebration of love...though I had it in my mind, about a week ago, when I was doing my regular evening walk, and I stopped by the window of a shop, that was covered fully with little red hearts, and my attention was drawn to a little paper packet, which had the following written on it: "Love potion" and a short description, saying you should make a tea of it, if you'd like someone to fall in love with you :) if that was ever so easy :) but still I thought it was a really cute idea, and nice gift for someone who'd like to make connections stronger with his/her loved ones...so this little pack of tea reminded me that Valentine's day is coming, but I was not much bothered, as I did not really need to spend sleepless nights on how to suprise my soul mate, aaas I don't have one...except for Gyuszi of course (my sleeping partner, the kind bear) but he is very well aware of my affections towards him, so I was not so much urged to reassure him :)
I also need to confess, by today morning I -for the second time - forgot that it is Valentine's day! Yet, I was reminded again, as the organizer of our project management training greeted us on the course by saying "Happy Valentine's Day" now, what is ironic, she was probably the last person I would have guessed to wish me Happy Valentine's Day, as this was the first time I saw her :) But Fate's ways surely are hard to foresee, and always changing. The day went on, we studied a lot, had coffee, polished our brain, and finished at 5PM, when I decided to take a walk, before our fancy dinner in a high quality restaurant. Now surprise suprise, on my walk, I literally bumped into a friend, who was carrying a large bouquet of red roses to her boss :) The surprise does not lie within the fact, that she was carrying a bunch of beautiful!!! flowers which I wanted to steal from her, but that in the past 2 weeks, I was constantly thinking about her..what's with her, how is she, and was planning to give her a call. I was thinking about her so much, that finally I ran into her! So I can now prove that the "rule of attraction" is working :) The more you think about something, and the more you'd like something, soon it will manifest itself, and what you desire, but truly desire, will happen...because the Universe in a way realizes your need, and manages things in a way (ouu I'm brainwashed!) ..ok so back to myself, instead of the word "managing" I'll find out something else...so the Universe realizes your need, and weaves the net of future events in such a way, that your need/desire would be fulfilled! After the meeting I started to think about it, and maybe even doubt a bit, accounting this meeting on "fortune" or something that just happened accidentally, but Fate did not give it up, half an hour later, I bumped into my second friend, whom also I wanted to see badly for the past month..so then I surrendered, and now I am convinced, that what you think, what you desire will come to you, but you need to believe in it.
Once we finished our really delicate dinner, I decided to walk home (took an hour) along the river Danube. I took this opportunity, because I was full, and I needed some exercise to grant me the good sleep and also because the view of the lit up Budapest & the river with rushing ice pieces on it is just spectacular. During my walk I was listening to music, closing out all additional noises, such as cars rushing by, people talking etc. Again, I felt like I'm not even part of this world, but I'm an actress, playing in some movie that unknown people are watching. It felt as if some "outsiders" who are watching the movie of my life understand fully the emotions arising in me, just by watching me walk smilingly alone, along the river..on a chilly February evening, on Valentine's day..in my checked coat, and blue hat...I passed through bridges, I marveled at the upside down world created by the water's surface, where the reflection images of churches and ornamented buildings have been trembling in the cold winter night...I passed through the tunnel underneath the Chain Bridge, this time it was not packed with homeless, it was only me walking there, in the blurry, raw horizon...I looked around, listened attentively to the echo the heels of my boots were making...there was a round wall around me, made of mosaic, and though it's a small tunnel, it felt like I'm in a labyrinth...taken out of the city for a fragment of a second, and dropped into another world...where there is noone, just an endless road to follow, but no companions, flowers or animals...just me, my steps echoing, and the curvy road, I started to feel lost, but finally I took courage and I kept going....as I exited the illusionary world, couples appeared, girls with flowers, proud, merry, holding on to their beloved's hands, chatting, laughing, hugging, filling the night with cheerful sounds, and pure, soft, yet pulsing love.....and it was really a heart warming experience. Though I thought this day is not so special for me as it is for those who are in love, still in a way...this walk, these lights, the swimming ice pieces, the sound of my black boots hitting the ground made it special for me too.
On my way I started to think what I was doing last year, at this time, and I remembered well, that on this very day, I was in Krakkow, shivering on a bench near the river, feeding the swans, envying the happy couples sitting next to me. Ohh how desperate and depressed I was! I was so much trying to be all right, but I could not help to see the whole world in black! I even wrote about my feelings, and experiences in this blog! This...shocked me a bit..the fact that 1 year already passed...so many things happened, and yet I feel like as if it was just yesterday..those memories so vivid..those atmospheres, thoughts, struggles, so easy to invoke...it's almost mind blowing. I surely did not think I'd be doing on this day a year later, what in fact I was doing. But again, I guess this is the miracle & beauty of the future...you never know what might be coming..how things will change, how you will change...and today I saw the world in orange :) which is...almost red! :)
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone who has ever loved!
I also need to confess, by today morning I -for the second time - forgot that it is Valentine's day! Yet, I was reminded again, as the organizer of our project management training greeted us on the course by saying "Happy Valentine's Day" now, what is ironic, she was probably the last person I would have guessed to wish me Happy Valentine's Day, as this was the first time I saw her :) But Fate's ways surely are hard to foresee, and always changing. The day went on, we studied a lot, had coffee, polished our brain, and finished at 5PM, when I decided to take a walk, before our fancy dinner in a high quality restaurant. Now surprise suprise, on my walk, I literally bumped into a friend, who was carrying a large bouquet of red roses to her boss :) The surprise does not lie within the fact, that she was carrying a bunch of beautiful!!! flowers which I wanted to steal from her, but that in the past 2 weeks, I was constantly thinking about her..what's with her, how is she, and was planning to give her a call. I was thinking about her so much, that finally I ran into her! So I can now prove that the "rule of attraction" is working :) The more you think about something, and the more you'd like something, soon it will manifest itself, and what you desire, but truly desire, will happen...because the Universe in a way realizes your need, and manages things in a way (ouu I'm brainwashed!) ..ok so back to myself, instead of the word "managing" I'll find out something else...so the Universe realizes your need, and weaves the net of future events in such a way, that your need/desire would be fulfilled! After the meeting I started to think about it, and maybe even doubt a bit, accounting this meeting on "fortune" or something that just happened accidentally, but Fate did not give it up, half an hour later, I bumped into my second friend, whom also I wanted to see badly for the past month..so then I surrendered, and now I am convinced, that what you think, what you desire will come to you, but you need to believe in it.
Once we finished our really delicate dinner, I decided to walk home (took an hour) along the river Danube. I took this opportunity, because I was full, and I needed some exercise to grant me the good sleep and also because the view of the lit up Budapest & the river with rushing ice pieces on it is just spectacular. During my walk I was listening to music, closing out all additional noises, such as cars rushing by, people talking etc. Again, I felt like I'm not even part of this world, but I'm an actress, playing in some movie that unknown people are watching. It felt as if some "outsiders" who are watching the movie of my life understand fully the emotions arising in me, just by watching me walk smilingly alone, along the river..on a chilly February evening, on Valentine's day..in my checked coat, and blue hat...I passed through bridges, I marveled at the upside down world created by the water's surface, where the reflection images of churches and ornamented buildings have been trembling in the cold winter night...I passed through the tunnel underneath the Chain Bridge, this time it was not packed with homeless, it was only me walking there, in the blurry, raw horizon...I looked around, listened attentively to the echo the heels of my boots were making...there was a round wall around me, made of mosaic, and though it's a small tunnel, it felt like I'm in a labyrinth...taken out of the city for a fragment of a second, and dropped into another world...where there is noone, just an endless road to follow, but no companions, flowers or animals...just me, my steps echoing, and the curvy road, I started to feel lost, but finally I took courage and I kept going....as I exited the illusionary world, couples appeared, girls with flowers, proud, merry, holding on to their beloved's hands, chatting, laughing, hugging, filling the night with cheerful sounds, and pure, soft, yet pulsing love.....and it was really a heart warming experience. Though I thought this day is not so special for me as it is for those who are in love, still in a way...this walk, these lights, the swimming ice pieces, the sound of my black boots hitting the ground made it special for me too.
On my way I started to think what I was doing last year, at this time, and I remembered well, that on this very day, I was in Krakkow, shivering on a bench near the river, feeding the swans, envying the happy couples sitting next to me. Ohh how desperate and depressed I was! I was so much trying to be all right, but I could not help to see the whole world in black! I even wrote about my feelings, and experiences in this blog! This...shocked me a bit..the fact that 1 year already passed...so many things happened, and yet I feel like as if it was just yesterday..those memories so vivid..those atmospheres, thoughts, struggles, so easy to invoke...it's almost mind blowing. I surely did not think I'd be doing on this day a year later, what in fact I was doing. But again, I guess this is the miracle & beauty of the future...you never know what might be coming..how things will change, how you will change...and today I saw the world in orange :) which is...almost red! :)
Happy Valentine's Day to everyone who has ever loved!
Monday, 13 February 2012
Broken, but so content - way to go snow panthers
This past weekend, we decided again with the boys, that we'd hit the slopes! We really were keen on getting on the boards and practice..the temperature was promised to be indeed very cold, so I packed a number of warm sweaters, just in case. I knew it will probably not help, when we'll be outside in the ski park, but still, thought it could come handy when once relaxing in the hotel room.
Waking up very early in the morning, after a rather tiring week was truly not my cup of tea. I even started to think if I'm quite normal for choosing to get out of the cozy, warm bed, when outside it's still dark and cold, but finally my "promise" that I would join the "snow panthers" - that's how we call our little team - was stronger, and unwillingly I looked in the evil face of the icy morning, and jumped out of bed..then froze..put on 4 layers of clothing, picked up my board, and headed the tram station.
I'm not sure how it is with other people, but I know that in my case, very often I become the puppet of moods. They come and go, and in the meantime, pull me here and there, whereever they want...if I'm weak, or I don't realize their "guiding" hands, I give in to them, and let myself carried away, I become numb and serve as a toy, exposed to their good/bad will. I am not sure what triggers this, but there are moments, when the atmosphere of a certain moment in the past (a moment which I might not even managed to capture fully) pours on me in a moment of the future..it absorves me, and in a way blinds me...Now this happened on the tram as well...when I was getting off it, the lack of someone waiting there for me just pulled the string around my heart tighter...I really am not sure where this feeling was coming from...I did not feel lonely at all in the past months, I was, and am fine with how my life is, but still..as I stepped out of the tram, somehow the moment resembled much to a moment when I was getting off of a bus,and someone was waiting there for me. After pulling myself together a bit, I started to think...tried to analize it, why I had this feeling, where was it coming from, but...not surprisingly, my brain was of not much help in understanding it...all I could conclude is that...people can make loud testimonies about how much they value their independence, and how great it is, how free they are thanks to being independent...there are times, when people, like me, get fed up with it, and they wish they'd be guided, waited for, taken somewhere, cared for...and I beleive it's absolutely right like this.
Ok, so after this short "emotional turn" back to my story about my Saturday. I arrived to my friend's car and we headed North East. After arriving to the hotel, we changed our clothes, took the boards and happily marched to the hills. The 2 days I spent with practising. I was OK with sliding on the back edge of the board, but did not manage to do the same with the first edge. Hmmm...it was really a challenge! I realized, that no wonder so many examples (when talking about life, attitudes towards life, and advices about life) are taken from the world of sports...I really wished to be able to improve and get a level closer to being advanced when it comes to snowboarding, but...for the results you need to pay...you need to put several coins of patience, endurance and will on the counter...Yep. I fell many times..at first I was brave, and slid down very fast, because at that point there was no pain..no aching muscles in my body...but after the 3rd really big fall, I started to become more careful. Towards the end of the day I could barely walk, and I felt like I cannot survive another fall on my knees, or on my backside..in fact even my wrists were somewhat "defected", therefore I was so much concentrating on not falling, that whenever my attention wandered away just for a little while, I fell again. That was the stage of "time to stop", not forcing it, not feeling pressured...letting it settle, and go on.
The next day kept some frustration still, as I was still not satisfied with my results, but then! Tina, my friend's sister explained me the techniques, and I tried and tried, and succeeded in something (sliding on the front edge) which I did not even dare to imagine. The road there was not easy: I had to fight myself...had to keep on telling myself that I am capable of doing it, therefore I cannot give it up...despite of all the pain within me I need to keep on going...I had to start believing in myself. Also I had to let it loose, try, but not focused only on the success itself, but knowing that it will take a while, I just need to endure and be patient. Last but not at least, I had to ask for help..this certainly quickened things, because if it was up to me, I would not have been able to discover the right techniques, or it would have certainly taken longer. That is just all very similar to challenges we need to face in our lives too...work, or private...success...true results never come easy..we need to work for them!
On Sunday, after the last sliding down, I knew I was not capable of more...both of my knees have been by that time covered with a huge brown patch...and even if the pants touched it, it hurt..it was swollen, making it grow twice its normal size...so I decided to chill out a bit, and while waiting for the other snow panther boys and girl, I visited the little restaurant, on the top of the hill. From there I got a great view over the skiers, and snowboarders, and while I was sipping my hot coffee with milk, my mind & imagination was let free. A good music was playing on the radio, the sun was almost setting, but its last rays coated the hilltop, the restaurant and its wooden inerior with a mild golden glamour...a certain kind of peacefulness, contentment and joy accelerated through my veins....it was as if everything that was happening around me was already recorded in the past and now its a replay, but in slow motion...except for me, because my speed was my normal speed, but as I saw things slowing down around me I also started to sink into this soft, quiet, merry world...the sunrays were still winking at me from behind the snow covered trees, it was Sunday...and I felt nowhere else could I feel so perfect...that everything is in its place, only here...sitting by the bar, my fingers wrapped around my mug filled with steaming coffee.
After I drank my coffee, I went outside to the terrace, to check if I can catch sight of the boys. While waiting there, marveling at the beauty of the frozen nature, I was listening to some songs...I realized, that if I pick the right songs, they are able to serve as water for the little seed of unknown emotions in me. Some songs are able to magnify some of my moods, enabling me to melt into them more...unite with them more...and this was the case on this Sunday late afternoon as well. I was standing there, looking at the endless forests, the thick, layer of fluffy snow, this noble, still, elegant world, and was listening to 2 songs from Lana Del Rey (blue jeans, and video games), and her very exotic/peculiar voice just raised this already vibrating, tingling feeling with me..this feeling of infinity & perfection combo. I'm not even sure I am able to describe the scale of this feeling, but I know that it was very intense...it convinced me that everything is in its place, and that the world, and within this world our soul as well is beyond any borders...
Special thanks to the snow panthers for this fantastic, enriching weekend, and also for the magnificent video capturing all the joyous moments :)
Waking up very early in the morning, after a rather tiring week was truly not my cup of tea. I even started to think if I'm quite normal for choosing to get out of the cozy, warm bed, when outside it's still dark and cold, but finally my "promise" that I would join the "snow panthers" - that's how we call our little team - was stronger, and unwillingly I looked in the evil face of the icy morning, and jumped out of bed..then froze..put on 4 layers of clothing, picked up my board, and headed the tram station.
I'm not sure how it is with other people, but I know that in my case, very often I become the puppet of moods. They come and go, and in the meantime, pull me here and there, whereever they want...if I'm weak, or I don't realize their "guiding" hands, I give in to them, and let myself carried away, I become numb and serve as a toy, exposed to their good/bad will. I am not sure what triggers this, but there are moments, when the atmosphere of a certain moment in the past (a moment which I might not even managed to capture fully) pours on me in a moment of the future..it absorves me, and in a way blinds me...Now this happened on the tram as well...when I was getting off it, the lack of someone waiting there for me just pulled the string around my heart tighter...I really am not sure where this feeling was coming from...I did not feel lonely at all in the past months, I was, and am fine with how my life is, but still..as I stepped out of the tram, somehow the moment resembled much to a moment when I was getting off of a bus,and someone was waiting there for me. After pulling myself together a bit, I started to think...tried to analize it, why I had this feeling, where was it coming from, but...not surprisingly, my brain was of not much help in understanding it...all I could conclude is that...people can make loud testimonies about how much they value their independence, and how great it is, how free they are thanks to being independent...there are times, when people, like me, get fed up with it, and they wish they'd be guided, waited for, taken somewhere, cared for...and I beleive it's absolutely right like this.
Ok, so after this short "emotional turn" back to my story about my Saturday. I arrived to my friend's car and we headed North East. After arriving to the hotel, we changed our clothes, took the boards and happily marched to the hills. The 2 days I spent with practising. I was OK with sliding on the back edge of the board, but did not manage to do the same with the first edge. Hmmm...it was really a challenge! I realized, that no wonder so many examples (when talking about life, attitudes towards life, and advices about life) are taken from the world of sports...I really wished to be able to improve and get a level closer to being advanced when it comes to snowboarding, but...for the results you need to pay...you need to put several coins of patience, endurance and will on the counter...Yep. I fell many times..at first I was brave, and slid down very fast, because at that point there was no pain..no aching muscles in my body...but after the 3rd really big fall, I started to become more careful. Towards the end of the day I could barely walk, and I felt like I cannot survive another fall on my knees, or on my backside..in fact even my wrists were somewhat "defected", therefore I was so much concentrating on not falling, that whenever my attention wandered away just for a little while, I fell again. That was the stage of "time to stop", not forcing it, not feeling pressured...letting it settle, and go on.
The next day kept some frustration still, as I was still not satisfied with my results, but then! Tina, my friend's sister explained me the techniques, and I tried and tried, and succeeded in something (sliding on the front edge) which I did not even dare to imagine. The road there was not easy: I had to fight myself...had to keep on telling myself that I am capable of doing it, therefore I cannot give it up...despite of all the pain within me I need to keep on going...I had to start believing in myself. Also I had to let it loose, try, but not focused only on the success itself, but knowing that it will take a while, I just need to endure and be patient. Last but not at least, I had to ask for help..this certainly quickened things, because if it was up to me, I would not have been able to discover the right techniques, or it would have certainly taken longer. That is just all very similar to challenges we need to face in our lives too...work, or private...success...true results never come easy..we need to work for them!
On Sunday, after the last sliding down, I knew I was not capable of more...both of my knees have been by that time covered with a huge brown patch...and even if the pants touched it, it hurt..it was swollen, making it grow twice its normal size...so I decided to chill out a bit, and while waiting for the other snow panther boys and girl, I visited the little restaurant, on the top of the hill. From there I got a great view over the skiers, and snowboarders, and while I was sipping my hot coffee with milk, my mind & imagination was let free. A good music was playing on the radio, the sun was almost setting, but its last rays coated the hilltop, the restaurant and its wooden inerior with a mild golden glamour...a certain kind of peacefulness, contentment and joy accelerated through my veins....it was as if everything that was happening around me was already recorded in the past and now its a replay, but in slow motion...except for me, because my speed was my normal speed, but as I saw things slowing down around me I also started to sink into this soft, quiet, merry world...the sunrays were still winking at me from behind the snow covered trees, it was Sunday...and I felt nowhere else could I feel so perfect...that everything is in its place, only here...sitting by the bar, my fingers wrapped around my mug filled with steaming coffee.
After I drank my coffee, I went outside to the terrace, to check if I can catch sight of the boys. While waiting there, marveling at the beauty of the frozen nature, I was listening to some songs...I realized, that if I pick the right songs, they are able to serve as water for the little seed of unknown emotions in me. Some songs are able to magnify some of my moods, enabling me to melt into them more...unite with them more...and this was the case on this Sunday late afternoon as well. I was standing there, looking at the endless forests, the thick, layer of fluffy snow, this noble, still, elegant world, and was listening to 2 songs from Lana Del Rey (blue jeans, and video games), and her very exotic/peculiar voice just raised this already vibrating, tingling feeling with me..this feeling of infinity & perfection combo. I'm not even sure I am able to describe the scale of this feeling, but I know that it was very intense...it convinced me that everything is in its place, and that the world, and within this world our soul as well is beyond any borders...
Special thanks to the snow panthers for this fantastic, enriching weekend, and also for the magnificent video capturing all the joyous moments :)
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