Imagine a room...a room, that has been closed, noone opened the door for a long time, so now inside the room it is airless...frowzy..well...that is how it has been with a room in my heart, called the soul. I felt stranded..past days I felt I will not be able to get out of this vortex of my thoughts, and today, someone came, opened the door, and let the fresh air in...with some piercing, true words, she swept out the bed smell, and replaced it with some new spring breeze...
Today I learned, that I am greedy..and snobbish...Well, this friend came over to me and as it was my habit last days I started to complain, I started to explain her, how I feel guilty, for not being able to appretiate what I have..I take them for granted, and yet cannot feel content that I have them...and for this I feel ashamed, because I know they should make me happy, but they don't. Also I told her, that maybe it is because I have a too good life, and all this I am doing is just a kind of "luxury hysteria" (a favourite definition of another friend of mine) because if I had major problems in life, or if I did not have so much time, maybe I would not even be thinking about things such as "why am I not happy, if I know I should be, is it good what I am doing" etc. I'd be just doing what I need to do, and the work would make me tired and I would know my place in the world, and I could be content.
Her reaction was...truly honest..she did not want to protect me, or caress my head, telling me that everything will be fine, and that I am great etc. She was blunt, her opinion was like a slap in the face, but it woke me up, and therefore I am thankful for it. So here is what I learned.
I am greedy. But not in its "usual" meaning. I do not look for material things, a lot of money, houses, expensive trips etc. Nope, so till now I was fooling myself, telling me that I am humble, these earthly things do not interest me. But!!! I had to realize, that I am "spiritually/emotionally" greedy. I am trying to hunt down happiness, I am looking for such a state of calmness like the gurus have, I want to be wise, I want to be awake, I want to be able to find the joy in every moment, I want to be able to read the signs etc. I created, a cloud covered, mystic mountain top, where only some special people may enter, and I started to get frustrated, that though I am trying so hard, I am reading books, I am paying attention, the result is not coming, and I cannot reach the mountain top. And so I felt disappointed...but it is so stupid, because joy is just like love, you cannot capture it and then put it in a box, and cling to it, hoping that then it will always be with you. The more you want to grab it, the farther you get from it. Moreover, the things written in books reflect a certain path..the path of the writer, but they just tell these things to us, so that they could help us...but everyone needs to find their own path, with their own struggles, and own solutions..and it is possible that the result will be the same, but the way there! and that is what matters, is indeed very varied, made for the person, to fit him/her like a perfect dress. Also, what I was not so much aware was that...this search for happiness was in a way..."forced" on me from outside. The media, the books, everyone just trying to help you how to find yourself, how to get all the potential out of you etc. They set a goal, and I am trying to go for that goal, and then I feel less, if I do not reach it, if on some days I am down, if I cannot solve a problem, if I cannot act perfectly, if Icannot keep my emotions under control. But in fact it is the same as if a man wants to have a big house and he does everything for it..tackles down colleagues, works overtime and so on. Just my ambitious behaviour is not so much visible, and it causes conflicts mainly within me, making me become a nightmare for my friends, with all my complaints :) but..finally, that I understood, that by rushing after "happiness" setting the goal of getting to a state when I can live in the present and so on should not be pursued by all means...I can allow myself the luxury of some sadness, here and there, but instead of focusing on the goal all the time, and being angry for not reaching it, I should just let it go. If I get there some day, I shall be glad, if not, I shall be glad still, because again..it is the path...the way..the harmony of the bow, the hand and the archer that matters...
I learned that I am somewhat snobbish..I tend to think of myself as if I am more special than the others, as if life should treat me differently because I am me! So beside giving me friends, and family etc. it should give me "spiritual enlightenement" and so on. Nah...the thing is that I am special...but everyone else is...so that little word "more" made all the difference. Because if you think that you are "more" special than others, you think that you are entitled to great job, that you enjoy, to great, everlasting love, to marvelous family and so on. But if you understand that you are special, just like everyone else is, then you understand that the things you receive in life are not for granted. You need to face challenges, you need to tackle fear, doubt, you need to put up with tension, sadness, anger, wounds...everyone else has to, why would you be an exception? A lot of books, some of these ezoterical books tell you that you are not on Earth to spend 8 hours in the office, you should search for greater, more important things, you should be in harmony with yourself, but aha! here is the paradoxon again, there you are sitting in the office for 8 hours and lament how you should not be doing this, because you are here for more...so not even in your free time are you melancholic, and unsure, but also in the office your thoughts are "poisoned" and you dream about being a shepherd...but..should it not be so that they should just try to make you understand that if you humbly accept, that for the moment this is your job, and you are at the right place, would it not be easier? Would it not make you content, so that you would have the energy and capacity to look at the signs, and if another chance comes along you would be able to take it? I am saying this because I feel like I was a bit trapped...I kept on focusing on why life is not how it should be, or how I dreamt of it, and forgot to look at the other side...that if I just accepted it that this is my task now, to work in an office, but if I want it I can change it, as I am free to do what I please, because I am willing to take the responsibility for my actions...then maybe I would have spared myself some hours of despair...If I think back to my grandma, she never came across ezoterical books, she never aimed for spiritual wisdom, she never complained that she could not be herself in work etc. but also she never told me that she was not happy. She knew that at the time, her place was there, on the field, she did not want to be a famous painter or writer or whatever, she knew her "limits" she was happy to accept, to work on the fields, to milk the cows, to make supper for her family, and yet she was so wise, she could say things which are now explained through hundreds of pages in books. She did not dream to be, yet she was wise, and this wisdom was taught to her by nature and life. Of course with this I am not saying that one should not try to reach for the stars...if someone has the talent, and the drive, the strength for it one should go for it, try to become an artist, a leader whatever...but even that...needs to come from the heart...you have to be inspired, you need to be willing to give up many things...but for me for example, who is not so sure of what she wants, cannot take the courage to fully commit herself to something yet, I think that in this stage of searching it is just better to accept how things are, instead of constantly wanting to change it. Life is a constant change anyway, never the same, it flows, and I cannot stand against the flow either, as even the biggest and toughest rock is moved by the constant pressure of the river...it might take time, but it is inevitable...
I will never compare myself to others any more. Everyone has his/her joys and sorrows and it is so unique, it is not even worth to try to make the comparison.
I am trying to look into myself and detect, what makes me feel good. I think happiness like that is not something that can be defined, or described...so I'm just going to search for moments, things which I enjoy. I enjoy watching the sunset, so I will watch more sunsets. I enjoy looking at the stars and moon, so I will do that more often too. I enjoy to play with kids, so I shall pay more visit to my niece and nephew in the future, and will play with them a lot. I enjoy meeting people, so I will not be afraid to talk to strangers. I enjoy listening to old people, so I will take courage to help them take their shopping bags home if needed. I enjoy traveling, so I will travel. I enjoy making others smile, so I will smile a lot. (Like yesterday, we were walking with the girls, and an old man stopped in front of us and said: "This is what I like! If the girls are happy!!" the 2 other girls looked at me, and did not understand as they were not smiling, and I told them that I was :) seems like the old man realized it, and made him happy too :) )
At the end of the conversation we figured out that maybe I have too much energy :) and I should just use it for something else than thinking too much. So, I intend to save money for a new (pre-professional) digital camera, and get familiar with photography, then I intend to take russian seriously, moreover, I shall start to learn a new language, have not decided yet, if it shall be polish, or czech, but maybe both! Hopefully studying 3 languages at one time would keep me busy enough :)))
Monday, 21 February 2011
not sure...
Before you start to read today's note, I shall warn you, that it might not be too inspiring...positive..it follows the path of the hurricane that is sweeping through within me...
Something is not quite right...but I am not sure what it is...it really gives me a headache...because...in fact everything is just all right...I should be happy, or if not even happy, at least satisfied...but I am not. I have a great family, marvelous friends, who love me, on whom I can always count, they are healthy, I have a job, nice flat...many people would be so overwhelmed, if they were provided these "things", and here I am...and I am not content...and it is such a paradoxon, because I know I should be...but...I am not...I feel like something is missing...everything smells too much like routine...and it is awful, because last week I proved myself, that I am able to enjoy life, that I am not a half, but a whole, that there is the seed of happiness planted in me, that I am able to heal myself if I am wounded, that I can be friends with loneliness...that I am able to feel great in a situation (country, city) I am not familiar with....yesterday I proved myself that I am able to love myself...I turned on some music and danced in the candlelight...and felt good, precious....and today...here I am, and...I am not sure...if all this is good...my intention of figuring out how to reach happiness...I start to feel, that there is nothing I can do about it...because it is a goal, that cannot be reached even if you are working diligently for it...I have read books, tried to meditate, took walks, tore myself out of the daily routine, went against my fears, tried a lot of things, and still...I have no results...so now...I start to think...there is nothing else left, just to let it go, and stop trying...let it flow and wait...patiently...just wait...but then I feel like it is so passive...I'd like to help myself, but...it seems like it doesn't always work...so..right now maybe the best I can do is to do nothing...
I do not know, it is possible that working in the nights makes me too sensitive, or shadows my eyes and I am not able to see...maybe it is the weather, that the sky is not clear, that I did not see the sun shining...maybe it is the lack of colours, that everything is so monoton looking, grey and brown...I'd wish to see some green, and some pink, yellow, blue..purple...maybe it is just that I still fear to admit to myself that I feel lonely. Maybe I am trying too hard to prove myself that all is good, how it is, when in fact I should just admit, that I hate to be like that...but then, there are moments, when I really feel complete and well...it is just that every hilltop is followed by a deep valley, and in the valley it is so hard for me to find faith...to have faith...it is strange because I never really questioned the existence of God..I always believed in Him..and so it should not be such a big step to believe that He has great plans in store for me...yet..I am struggling to believe that...to be honest...I am afraid...I fear that I will continue a "normal life" normal in the eyes of the society..normal from the point of view, that everyone approves of it, because that is what we believe we are here for...work, house, family, kids, then pension, tv, painful bones, slow walks...but...right now I have a craving for something that is not normal...I do not want routine to absorb me, I do not wish to pretend that I am happy, because I am on the right track, and life is treating me well, I am saving money so one day I'll have a house etc. I mean, these things are important, but..they have a meaning when you have someone to share these with, but on the other hand, you should appretiate them even if you enjoy their benefits alone...I don't know...I'm really struggling. Just a few months ago, the prospect of a family, a little house in the countryside, stargazing in the summer night seemed like heaven for me...and it still feels like that it is something that would make me happy, but...I kind of lost hope that I will have this dream come true...and so I had to prepare another scenario...the little house is the same, the stargazing also stayed, but maybe I'll just have a cute dog, and some other animals around....it is still gorgeous, but then I'm thinking...ok, but when shall I have these? in 10 years time? will I be alive still that time? Will the Earth exist? And what will happen until I am waiting to make this dream come true? As I mentioned before..I should be able to enjoy the road that takes me there, but...I feel like I have no strength for it....I have the urge to get away...but I cannot run all the time...I cannot escape myself..fears, doubts....
And what it is that is missing? It is something I could plunge into...something that could give me joy...something I'd do from the heart...going to Krakow was really something that pushed my adrenalin to a high level, it was an adventure...so lately I started to feel like...I want to do some crazy things...to be able to feel free...free from the routine of the daily life, free from the constraints of society..free from the rules, free from the categories (what is considered to be acceptable and what is not) and nonetheless free from expectations.... I'd like to dance on a grassy meadow in the moonlight, I'd love to invite strangers for a glass of wine, to ask them about their dreams, visions of life...I'd like to go and listen to stories of old people...I'd like to spend weeks with children and just play with them, draw with them, take them to the forest, show them the beauties of nature, tell them legends about the fairy living there, show them the poisonous and non poisonous mushrooms, I'd like to make them tired, I'd love to show them the stars and tell them about a little prince and his rose, living on one of those far away planets. I'd love to dissolve in their innocence, in their joy of life, in their smile.
When in Krakow, enjoying the sun in the castle, a group of kids from kindergarten came to see the dragon. Everyone was behaving how the teacher told them, except for Pavel. No matter how the lady was shouting at him, he broke free and ran to the statue of the dragon. In this moment the dragon blew fire, and Pavel was so scared that he ran away. The teacher could hardly catch him. I found the scene entertaining and thought, this Pavel is a brave one! I thought he has the curiosity and the courage, he was reckless, and not paying much attention to the teacher's commands :) I had the urge to go down there and grab this Pavel, to take him with me, for a stroll along the river..I wished to hold his little hands then show him the wonderful swans, let him feed them, then I would have loved to take him with me, to my room, play games, read some stories to him from a book, then watch him sleeping after a long day...sleeping and dreaming with fire blowing dragons and white swans....
But the reality is that I do not have a Pavel, I am not in Krakow any more, I am working in the night, I am exhausted, and confused...standing on shaky grounds...trying to understand, or at least accept...trying to hope, but...loneliness is a tough enemy...because when you are lonely, you feel like an outsider...not part of humanity any more...and this vortex can pull you down easily...if you fight against it and panic, it wins over you...but if you go to its bottom, patiently...no matter if your life is at stake, and only fractions of seconds separate you from death...if you go to the bottom with determination, you can get out of it...so I guess that is what I need to do, search for the bottom, then break free, but a bit of sunshine, some sleep could really come handy...could fill up my batteries...
Well, surely all this...the things written above are not too positive, but...at least now, that I wrote it out of myself I feel a bit better...I told it, I shared it...so now...it is free to go...and leave me..giving its place over to something else..hopefully something more joyful :)
Something is not quite right...but I am not sure what it is...it really gives me a headache...because...in fact everything is just all right...I should be happy, or if not even happy, at least satisfied...but I am not. I have a great family, marvelous friends, who love me, on whom I can always count, they are healthy, I have a job, nice flat...many people would be so overwhelmed, if they were provided these "things", and here I am...and I am not content...and it is such a paradoxon, because I know I should be...but...I am not...I feel like something is missing...everything smells too much like routine...and it is awful, because last week I proved myself, that I am able to enjoy life, that I am not a half, but a whole, that there is the seed of happiness planted in me, that I am able to heal myself if I am wounded, that I can be friends with loneliness...that I am able to feel great in a situation (country, city) I am not familiar with....yesterday I proved myself that I am able to love myself...I turned on some music and danced in the candlelight...and felt good, precious....and today...here I am, and...I am not sure...if all this is good...my intention of figuring out how to reach happiness...I start to feel, that there is nothing I can do about it...because it is a goal, that cannot be reached even if you are working diligently for it...I have read books, tried to meditate, took walks, tore myself out of the daily routine, went against my fears, tried a lot of things, and still...I have no results...so now...I start to think...there is nothing else left, just to let it go, and stop trying...let it flow and wait...patiently...just wait...but then I feel like it is so passive...I'd like to help myself, but...it seems like it doesn't always work...so..right now maybe the best I can do is to do nothing...
I do not know, it is possible that working in the nights makes me too sensitive, or shadows my eyes and I am not able to see...maybe it is the weather, that the sky is not clear, that I did not see the sun shining...maybe it is the lack of colours, that everything is so monoton looking, grey and brown...I'd wish to see some green, and some pink, yellow, blue..purple...maybe it is just that I still fear to admit to myself that I feel lonely. Maybe I am trying too hard to prove myself that all is good, how it is, when in fact I should just admit, that I hate to be like that...but then, there are moments, when I really feel complete and well...it is just that every hilltop is followed by a deep valley, and in the valley it is so hard for me to find faith...to have faith...it is strange because I never really questioned the existence of God..I always believed in Him..and so it should not be such a big step to believe that He has great plans in store for me...yet..I am struggling to believe that...to be honest...I am afraid...I fear that I will continue a "normal life" normal in the eyes of the society..normal from the point of view, that everyone approves of it, because that is what we believe we are here for...work, house, family, kids, then pension, tv, painful bones, slow walks...but...right now I have a craving for something that is not normal...I do not want routine to absorb me, I do not wish to pretend that I am happy, because I am on the right track, and life is treating me well, I am saving money so one day I'll have a house etc. I mean, these things are important, but..they have a meaning when you have someone to share these with, but on the other hand, you should appretiate them even if you enjoy their benefits alone...I don't know...I'm really struggling. Just a few months ago, the prospect of a family, a little house in the countryside, stargazing in the summer night seemed like heaven for me...and it still feels like that it is something that would make me happy, but...I kind of lost hope that I will have this dream come true...and so I had to prepare another scenario...the little house is the same, the stargazing also stayed, but maybe I'll just have a cute dog, and some other animals around....it is still gorgeous, but then I'm thinking...ok, but when shall I have these? in 10 years time? will I be alive still that time? Will the Earth exist? And what will happen until I am waiting to make this dream come true? As I mentioned before..I should be able to enjoy the road that takes me there, but...I feel like I have no strength for it....I have the urge to get away...but I cannot run all the time...I cannot escape myself..fears, doubts....
And what it is that is missing? It is something I could plunge into...something that could give me joy...something I'd do from the heart...going to Krakow was really something that pushed my adrenalin to a high level, it was an adventure...so lately I started to feel like...I want to do some crazy things...to be able to feel free...free from the routine of the daily life, free from the constraints of society..free from the rules, free from the categories (what is considered to be acceptable and what is not) and nonetheless free from expectations.... I'd like to dance on a grassy meadow in the moonlight, I'd love to invite strangers for a glass of wine, to ask them about their dreams, visions of life...I'd like to go and listen to stories of old people...I'd like to spend weeks with children and just play with them, draw with them, take them to the forest, show them the beauties of nature, tell them legends about the fairy living there, show them the poisonous and non poisonous mushrooms, I'd like to make them tired, I'd love to show them the stars and tell them about a little prince and his rose, living on one of those far away planets. I'd love to dissolve in their innocence, in their joy of life, in their smile.
When in Krakow, enjoying the sun in the castle, a group of kids from kindergarten came to see the dragon. Everyone was behaving how the teacher told them, except for Pavel. No matter how the lady was shouting at him, he broke free and ran to the statue of the dragon. In this moment the dragon blew fire, and Pavel was so scared that he ran away. The teacher could hardly catch him. I found the scene entertaining and thought, this Pavel is a brave one! I thought he has the curiosity and the courage, he was reckless, and not paying much attention to the teacher's commands :) I had the urge to go down there and grab this Pavel, to take him with me, for a stroll along the river..I wished to hold his little hands then show him the wonderful swans, let him feed them, then I would have loved to take him with me, to my room, play games, read some stories to him from a book, then watch him sleeping after a long day...sleeping and dreaming with fire blowing dragons and white swans....
But the reality is that I do not have a Pavel, I am not in Krakow any more, I am working in the night, I am exhausted, and confused...standing on shaky grounds...trying to understand, or at least accept...trying to hope, but...loneliness is a tough enemy...because when you are lonely, you feel like an outsider...not part of humanity any more...and this vortex can pull you down easily...if you fight against it and panic, it wins over you...but if you go to its bottom, patiently...no matter if your life is at stake, and only fractions of seconds separate you from death...if you go to the bottom with determination, you can get out of it...so I guess that is what I need to do, search for the bottom, then break free, but a bit of sunshine, some sleep could really come handy...could fill up my batteries...
Well, surely all this...the things written above are not too positive, but...at least now, that I wrote it out of myself I feel a bit better...I told it, I shared it...so now...it is free to go...and leave me..giving its place over to something else..hopefully something more joyful :)
Friday, 18 February 2011
The magic of the Tatra
On our way to Krakow, sorry...on our rather adventurous way to Krakow, when we once had to turn back and pick up the people whom we left in the bus stop...waiting..so they were bought after us :) so on this way, we crossed the Tatra mountains. I have never been there before, but was amazed by it. The sun was shining, but we hardly noticed, while we passed by between the pine tree giants, that looked down at us with their royalty. I felt like I am so vulnerable in their presence..they are so ancient, and so wise..so much in harmony with the world, they are where they belong.
Curvy roads, going up and up, the tranquility of the forest absorbing the noises of the world...the traffic of my thoughts. We passed by small villages, deserted they seemed, snowy, the wooden houses calmly nested in the valleys hidden between the vast heights. Tiny windows, walls made of natural material...and on the porch, next to the houses there were piles of wood, chopped...prepared, ready to be put into the fireplace, inside the cozy, warm rooms. I imagined how great it would be, just to stop the bus, to tell the drivers to let me go..get out, enter a house like that, and stay there...forever...start the mornings early, give food to my chickens, my goats, sheep, then take care of the cows and horses. Start the fire, make the beds, take a stroll with my dog, check the forest, pray, bring home some winter berry, to decorate the house, to have something inside that represents the freshness of the frozen nature, then to cook a delicious lunch, using the homemade cheese, warm up some milk for the coffee, listen to music, time to time stop by the window and marvel at the stillness of the winter scenery, go over to the neighbour, to ask if he needs something from the shop, as I intend to walk to the center of the village, to send a letter to my family...finally after meeting and chatting with some people in the village, arrive home, already dark, getting warmed up by the fireplace, read a bit in my armchair, light a candle, and give thanks for all the joyous moments I experienced that day. In that moment...while sitting on the bus, it was just a dream...but I made a commitment, that I will go back there, that I will invest time and money into exploring the treasure of the Tatra.
Another thing I realized, while being on the way to Krakow was, that before...when I was traveling somewhere, I always kept in mind the goal. I knew that someone will wait for me at the destination, or that I will know the place, will have a program of what I will do upon arriving, and because of this, I was hardly able to enjoy the journey. I was complaining that the busride is too long, or that it is not comfortable enough. I was impatient, I could only concentrate on the goal, but neglected the way of getting there. But this time..as I was not at all sure of where I am getting (of course I knew I am going to Krakow, but had no idea how it will look, what I"ll find there and so on) I was enjoying the travel. I was even a bit afraid of how I will find my way, once I get to the bus station, so I had joy in every moment on the bus. I enjoyed the road itself, and this made every moment an arrival. Then I thought...also in my everyday life...so often I am just looking at the goal, and pass by so much beauty along the way, because I am only concentrating on "completing the mission" arriving to work, getting to the bank on time, or to the meeting with my friends..often I am on the way, but I do not pay attention, because it is only the goal I have in focus. This journey however taught me, that if I look carefully, and do not shift all focus to the achievement...I might as well just enjoy the ride too!
Curvy roads, going up and up, the tranquility of the forest absorbing the noises of the world...the traffic of my thoughts. We passed by small villages, deserted they seemed, snowy, the wooden houses calmly nested in the valleys hidden between the vast heights. Tiny windows, walls made of natural material...and on the porch, next to the houses there were piles of wood, chopped...prepared, ready to be put into the fireplace, inside the cozy, warm rooms. I imagined how great it would be, just to stop the bus, to tell the drivers to let me go..get out, enter a house like that, and stay there...forever...start the mornings early, give food to my chickens, my goats, sheep, then take care of the cows and horses. Start the fire, make the beds, take a stroll with my dog, check the forest, pray, bring home some winter berry, to decorate the house, to have something inside that represents the freshness of the frozen nature, then to cook a delicious lunch, using the homemade cheese, warm up some milk for the coffee, listen to music, time to time stop by the window and marvel at the stillness of the winter scenery, go over to the neighbour, to ask if he needs something from the shop, as I intend to walk to the center of the village, to send a letter to my family...finally after meeting and chatting with some people in the village, arrive home, already dark, getting warmed up by the fireplace, read a bit in my armchair, light a candle, and give thanks for all the joyous moments I experienced that day. In that moment...while sitting on the bus, it was just a dream...but I made a commitment, that I will go back there, that I will invest time and money into exploring the treasure of the Tatra.
Another thing I realized, while being on the way to Krakow was, that before...when I was traveling somewhere, I always kept in mind the goal. I knew that someone will wait for me at the destination, or that I will know the place, will have a program of what I will do upon arriving, and because of this, I was hardly able to enjoy the journey. I was complaining that the busride is too long, or that it is not comfortable enough. I was impatient, I could only concentrate on the goal, but neglected the way of getting there. But this time..as I was not at all sure of where I am getting (of course I knew I am going to Krakow, but had no idea how it will look, what I"ll find there and so on) I was enjoying the travel. I was even a bit afraid of how I will find my way, once I get to the bus station, so I had joy in every moment on the bus. I enjoyed the road itself, and this made every moment an arrival. Then I thought...also in my everyday life...so often I am just looking at the goal, and pass by so much beauty along the way, because I am only concentrating on "completing the mission" arriving to work, getting to the bank on time, or to the meeting with my friends..often I am on the way, but I do not pay attention, because it is only the goal I have in focus. This journey however taught me, that if I look carefully, and do not shift all focus to the achievement...I might as well just enjoy the ride too!
Thursday, 17 February 2011
a modern dragon
Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a dragon in a place, that is now known to us as Poland. He was happy, though a bit lonely time to time, but he was OK, he spent most of his days hunting, bathing in the sun, and sleeping. One day, a group of people, who were walking near that area looked around and told each other..hey, this is a very nice place..a bit hilly, but there are lands around that can be ploughed, the soil is fertile..don't you think we wandered enough? Maybe we could settle here...and so they did..first it was just a camp, then slowly a village, and a small town, it prospered, and the people lived there in peace.
Nobody knew, that deep down, below their town, lay a cave, which served as a home, for our dear dragon. You see, he had the taste to go around the world, and contemplate, so that is how he managed to miss his home becoming populated by some creatures. Big was his fury when he came home, and realized what happened. But then, good old smart dragon thought...hmmm, it might be not so bad after all, I have food just around the corner! First he just stole the animals, but obviously he could not stay in anonimity for a long time. The people discovered him, and were not sure how to sort the situation, but the smart dragon managed to make a deal with them. He promised that if he gets some virgins regularly, he will let the rest of the population be.
This pact worked, until a noble king has not arrived. He thought it is just unacceptable, that this dragon is taking such advantage of the poor people. He decided to face the dragon! He marched into his cave, and killed the dragon.
At least..this is what everyone thought! But while in Krakow, I discovered the truth about this story! In fact the king did not kill him, but made another pact. He told the dragon: "Look..soon we will have a lot of man, with lot of weapon..you are the last of your kind...you will have no chance against us...but...you do not need to die by all means...I am sure that we will be able to work it out" So he promised the dragon, that if he pretends he is dead, he will make sure that he is well fed...not by virgins..rather by bones and livestock, but still better than being dead...good for the dragon, and good for the king as he gains respect, and everyone will acknowledge him as a true king...The dragon...after thinking a lot..being tired of always playing the dangerous monster, agreed. From then on he did not leave the cave, and trustworthy men carried him the food every now and then. The secret was passed on from generation to generation in the king's family.
These days however...there are no more kings...so our old dragon had to find other ways of satisfying his needs..he had to start to actually work. Now he is employed by the state, and his job is to blow fire, whenever he receives an sms. He has a cell phone, and whenever it rings, notifying him, that some tourists want to see the fire, he slowly gets off of his comfortable couch, walks to the underground chimney and blows fire. Yup, in return, he gets some cheeseburgers and coke (uhum he loves coke) from the phone company...time to time he is a bit late.....like it happened a couple days ago, when a group of tourists were waiting for him, in front of his statue, with cameras ready...in vain...after 15 minutes they left, and when they were far away, he blew the fire...it was funny, I smiled...you see we need to overlook that...he must be over 2000 years old, his reflexes are not the same any more...but yet, I am proud of him, because he managed to keep up with time, with the pace of life, with technology and the rapid development of civilization, he managed to use the possibilites that the unstoppable change brought..he managed to adapt, and survived.
Nobody knew, that deep down, below their town, lay a cave, which served as a home, for our dear dragon. You see, he had the taste to go around the world, and contemplate, so that is how he managed to miss his home becoming populated by some creatures. Big was his fury when he came home, and realized what happened. But then, good old smart dragon thought...hmmm, it might be not so bad after all, I have food just around the corner! First he just stole the animals, but obviously he could not stay in anonimity for a long time. The people discovered him, and were not sure how to sort the situation, but the smart dragon managed to make a deal with them. He promised that if he gets some virgins regularly, he will let the rest of the population be.
This pact worked, until a noble king has not arrived. He thought it is just unacceptable, that this dragon is taking such advantage of the poor people. He decided to face the dragon! He marched into his cave, and killed the dragon.
At least..this is what everyone thought! But while in Krakow, I discovered the truth about this story! In fact the king did not kill him, but made another pact. He told the dragon: "Look..soon we will have a lot of man, with lot of weapon..you are the last of your kind...you will have no chance against us...but...you do not need to die by all means...I am sure that we will be able to work it out" So he promised the dragon, that if he pretends he is dead, he will make sure that he is well fed...not by virgins..rather by bones and livestock, but still better than being dead...good for the dragon, and good for the king as he gains respect, and everyone will acknowledge him as a true king...The dragon...after thinking a lot..being tired of always playing the dangerous monster, agreed. From then on he did not leave the cave, and trustworthy men carried him the food every now and then. The secret was passed on from generation to generation in the king's family.
These days however...there are no more kings...so our old dragon had to find other ways of satisfying his needs..he had to start to actually work. Now he is employed by the state, and his job is to blow fire, whenever he receives an sms. He has a cell phone, and whenever it rings, notifying him, that some tourists want to see the fire, he slowly gets off of his comfortable couch, walks to the underground chimney and blows fire. Yup, in return, he gets some cheeseburgers and coke (uhum he loves coke) from the phone company...time to time he is a bit late.....like it happened a couple days ago, when a group of tourists were waiting for him, in front of his statue, with cameras ready...in vain...after 15 minutes they left, and when they were far away, he blew the fire...it was funny, I smiled...you see we need to overlook that...he must be over 2000 years old, his reflexes are not the same any more...but yet, I am proud of him, because he managed to keep up with time, with the pace of life, with technology and the rapid development of civilization, he managed to use the possibilites that the unstoppable change brought..he managed to adapt, and survived.
Testimony..
4 days in Krakow...4 nights spent in a foreign city, among foreign people, on the bank of the Wisla river...in the old town founded by king Krak...alone...I needed this time, to be able to search...to examine...to capture, to try to understand...I needed to be alone, to find...the missing piece...well..I am not saying I found it, but..I was enriched by several discoveries...
One sunny afternoon, after visiting the cathedral in Wawel, I decided to spend the rest of the day outside, as it was so lovely, blue sky, people walking along the river, Valentine's day...so I headed towards the river myself, and sat down on a bench..and contemplated what was around me...
Love is to be recognized by the spark in the eyes of the other one...As I was sitting on the bench, a mother with her son passed by me. The little boy, hardly able to walk, looked at me and started to smile. There was shyness mixed with bashfulness reflected in his eyes. He could not take his eyes off of me, but quickly hid behind his mom's legs. Then appeared again, and smiled even more. I smiled back at him, and he hid again. By this time, his mom realized what's going on, it was love at first sight, and smiled too. She tried to encourage him, to walk on, but he was stubborn, wanted to stay and keep on staring at me..after a couple moments, that seemed like eternity for me..because I had the feeling that we were able to look down right into each others' soul...we took a plunge in the endless joy of sea there..we discovered those colourful fish and sea stars in the bottom...it was a moment of 2 becoming one, our atoms entwining..dancing happily...then..we came back to the surface, the mother told him to wave at me, and he walked away..time to time looking back..and I stayed there, enriched...grown...
Love is playful...On the bench next to me there was a couple...the boy sitting on the bench..the girl sitting on his lap, facing the boy...time to time..the boy scared the girl, and made a move as if he wanted to drop her...but he didn't..he was holding on to her tight...yet the girl started to laugh, and it was such laugh, coming form her heart, that it made me laugh too...it was a moment of playfulness carved into my soul...
Love is patient....By one of the old lamp post, there was a guy standing...watching the river...bathing in the sun...with a rose in his hand...a gorgeous red rose...he was waiting for his beloved girl...his soulmate, his friend, with whom he hopes to change the world, but even if not change it, just make it better...he waited there..for 5, 10, 15 minutes...and he did not light a cigarette, he did not start to walk around...he was sure, that she will come, he believed in her...and his heart was getting filled with more and more joy, as he spotted the girl walking towards him...he bowed his head, smiled to himself, and I think all of us in the nearby area could see that the colours turned more vivid...the light in his eyes gave everything a sharper tone...love can be born from impossible things....
Love is free...and cannot be stopped...or limited...it is like the river...that lay before my eyes...I watched its waves, that swayed the elegant swans...I saw a small bridge connecting the 2 riverbanks...the silvery rays of the setting sun...sparkling....like a diamond...and...I considered this moment, as one of those magical moments...when...you forget who you are, in the eyes of your friends, family, society..you are just there..you and your heart..and you try to listen to what she has to tell you...she told me that it is always difficult to realize that love indeed is the most powerful of all universal laws...that..it is there, and you cannot control it, like so many other things...you can try, but surely you will not succeed.....there are several .."feelings" that can be mixed up with love...but there is one real love...without boundaries, in its mightiness...and that love can calm you down...it is able to give you energy to make the next step forward...but...as it is such a powerful thing..often we do not want to face it...to get to know it...it's risky, it's time to time intimidating, it threatens with you loosing control...but..that day I decided that I have nothing to loose any more and I'd like to be friends with it...and then...it dawned on me...that it happened to me...that...despite of all logic, all "better sense" I found a person on Earth..whom I love more than myself...and then thousands of questions rushed at me.."nonono...this is illusion, humankind is selfish enough..what about you? you cannot think it seriously..this is just the magic of the place etc." but...with one swoosh...my heart just blew it all away and told me...nope this is the truth...look down deep...why there was no anger, why do you care for the person?Out of courtesy? Nope, it is because you know, that the person's happiness, and wellbeing fills your heart with joy too, no matter how it is achieved, no matter, if you are thousand miles away, no matter if your paths never cross any more...it is you..accepting the fact..it is you not fighting against the feeling any more...just you recognizing it...putting your ego's head to the sword, and telling her...this is it...I was able to find a soul, for which I'd do everything to help discovering the mysteries of life, love and joy...even if it is just a distant support, even if it is just through prayers...Well to come to this conclusion made me feel free...and happy...I was glad to realize that I am able to feel such love, I was thankful that I could experience it, despite its hardships that originated from the fight with myself...from the self pity and hopelessness...this way I could have a glance at how God must feel for us...we do mistakes, we are angry with him, do not believe in Him, and yet He just keeps on loving us...and knowing this, that I am able to love someone more than myself, gives me that chance to spread this love on the people around me...on friends and family..it really is true, that once you let love nestle in your heart, it just grows and gives you the necessary weapons to fight your battle..because the future holds a lot of disappointments, fears, times when you will feel you have given yourself away, you've helped and got nothing in return, occasions, when you will not understand, how come that a person you trusted so much turned his/her back on you...but always, even in those dark times, there will be the light of this moment, which will remind you that love is there..just like that...it does not need any condition..it does not seek for results or goals...it is there..in its mere existence...always giving you hope...
Love is there even in a furry little button eyed creature...still...sitting on my bench, a lady passing by with a cute puppy...as they got to my place, the little dog just jumped on me, wagged its tail, and put his head on my knees. He looked at me with enthusiasm, begging for some love. So I petted him, and told him how cute he is really, while the lady tried to tell him, not to jump on people...but he did not listen, he was too busy gifting me with some precious moments...so the lady smiled and let him play with me a bit. Then they passed, and I stayed there smiling...filled with joy, and the urge to get a dog for myself...
As it started to get a bit chilly, I decided to head back to my hotel...but first I realized that I need to please not only my heart, but my stomach too. On the way towards Rynek Glowny, I found a nice bar, with wooden tables, and candles in the window, so I decided to jump in there. I ordered a zurek c kielbesamy, and a bigos domowy (hope I spelled it right). The steaming soup warmed all my insides, while an old man was reading newspaper and drinking tea by the neighbouring table. The atmosphere was so soothing, warm, cozy..and..in this moment of contentment, a familiar tune started to play... this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ymn-mRrqnSc
It is "Where do I begin" from Shirley Bassey...well..in that moment...shivers started to run up and down my back..arms...I melted..I put down my spoon..and traveled...to the stars, to the moon, I had no body any more...I was just an angel's wing....
After such a marvelous...and "busy" day..I thought nothing more can come..but..as I entered the room, I saw that the maid, who have done my bed, took my little bear (I got it from my sister's daughter as a present, and in the morning, I placed him on the drawer next to my bed) and put him on my pillow, but in such way, that he was covered by the blanket up to his chest...nicely arranged...he looked like he was comfortably lying there, waiting for me..and...I felt...I am not alone...I felt that love is there in the gentleness of the people, it is there in every little act..you do to please the other...so I took him, we danced around in the room, and then both of us stretched on the bed...looking up...spotting the moon that took over the reign for the night..and through my roof windowns she had the chance to shine down on my bed, and keep me company in my dreams...
One sunny afternoon, after visiting the cathedral in Wawel, I decided to spend the rest of the day outside, as it was so lovely, blue sky, people walking along the river, Valentine's day...so I headed towards the river myself, and sat down on a bench..and contemplated what was around me...
Love is to be recognized by the spark in the eyes of the other one...As I was sitting on the bench, a mother with her son passed by me. The little boy, hardly able to walk, looked at me and started to smile. There was shyness mixed with bashfulness reflected in his eyes. He could not take his eyes off of me, but quickly hid behind his mom's legs. Then appeared again, and smiled even more. I smiled back at him, and he hid again. By this time, his mom realized what's going on, it was love at first sight, and smiled too. She tried to encourage him, to walk on, but he was stubborn, wanted to stay and keep on staring at me..after a couple moments, that seemed like eternity for me..because I had the feeling that we were able to look down right into each others' soul...we took a plunge in the endless joy of sea there..we discovered those colourful fish and sea stars in the bottom...it was a moment of 2 becoming one, our atoms entwining..dancing happily...then..we came back to the surface, the mother told him to wave at me, and he walked away..time to time looking back..and I stayed there, enriched...grown...
Love is playful...On the bench next to me there was a couple...the boy sitting on the bench..the girl sitting on his lap, facing the boy...time to time..the boy scared the girl, and made a move as if he wanted to drop her...but he didn't..he was holding on to her tight...yet the girl started to laugh, and it was such laugh, coming form her heart, that it made me laugh too...it was a moment of playfulness carved into my soul...
Love is patient....By one of the old lamp post, there was a guy standing...watching the river...bathing in the sun...with a rose in his hand...a gorgeous red rose...he was waiting for his beloved girl...his soulmate, his friend, with whom he hopes to change the world, but even if not change it, just make it better...he waited there..for 5, 10, 15 minutes...and he did not light a cigarette, he did not start to walk around...he was sure, that she will come, he believed in her...and his heart was getting filled with more and more joy, as he spotted the girl walking towards him...he bowed his head, smiled to himself, and I think all of us in the nearby area could see that the colours turned more vivid...the light in his eyes gave everything a sharper tone...love can be born from impossible things....
Love is free...and cannot be stopped...or limited...it is like the river...that lay before my eyes...I watched its waves, that swayed the elegant swans...I saw a small bridge connecting the 2 riverbanks...the silvery rays of the setting sun...sparkling....like a diamond...and...I considered this moment, as one of those magical moments...when...you forget who you are, in the eyes of your friends, family, society..you are just there..you and your heart..and you try to listen to what she has to tell you...she told me that it is always difficult to realize that love indeed is the most powerful of all universal laws...that..it is there, and you cannot control it, like so many other things...you can try, but surely you will not succeed.....there are several .."feelings" that can be mixed up with love...but there is one real love...without boundaries, in its mightiness...and that love can calm you down...it is able to give you energy to make the next step forward...but...as it is such a powerful thing..often we do not want to face it...to get to know it...it's risky, it's time to time intimidating, it threatens with you loosing control...but..that day I decided that I have nothing to loose any more and I'd like to be friends with it...and then...it dawned on me...that it happened to me...that...despite of all logic, all "better sense" I found a person on Earth..whom I love more than myself...and then thousands of questions rushed at me.."nonono...this is illusion, humankind is selfish enough..what about you? you cannot think it seriously..this is just the magic of the place etc." but...with one swoosh...my heart just blew it all away and told me...nope this is the truth...look down deep...why there was no anger, why do you care for the person?Out of courtesy? Nope, it is because you know, that the person's happiness, and wellbeing fills your heart with joy too, no matter how it is achieved, no matter, if you are thousand miles away, no matter if your paths never cross any more...it is you..accepting the fact..it is you not fighting against the feeling any more...just you recognizing it...putting your ego's head to the sword, and telling her...this is it...I was able to find a soul, for which I'd do everything to help discovering the mysteries of life, love and joy...even if it is just a distant support, even if it is just through prayers...Well to come to this conclusion made me feel free...and happy...I was glad to realize that I am able to feel such love, I was thankful that I could experience it, despite its hardships that originated from the fight with myself...from the self pity and hopelessness...this way I could have a glance at how God must feel for us...we do mistakes, we are angry with him, do not believe in Him, and yet He just keeps on loving us...and knowing this, that I am able to love someone more than myself, gives me that chance to spread this love on the people around me...on friends and family..it really is true, that once you let love nestle in your heart, it just grows and gives you the necessary weapons to fight your battle..because the future holds a lot of disappointments, fears, times when you will feel you have given yourself away, you've helped and got nothing in return, occasions, when you will not understand, how come that a person you trusted so much turned his/her back on you...but always, even in those dark times, there will be the light of this moment, which will remind you that love is there..just like that...it does not need any condition..it does not seek for results or goals...it is there..in its mere existence...always giving you hope...
Love is there even in a furry little button eyed creature...still...sitting on my bench, a lady passing by with a cute puppy...as they got to my place, the little dog just jumped on me, wagged its tail, and put his head on my knees. He looked at me with enthusiasm, begging for some love. So I petted him, and told him how cute he is really, while the lady tried to tell him, not to jump on people...but he did not listen, he was too busy gifting me with some precious moments...so the lady smiled and let him play with me a bit. Then they passed, and I stayed there smiling...filled with joy, and the urge to get a dog for myself...
As it started to get a bit chilly, I decided to head back to my hotel...but first I realized that I need to please not only my heart, but my stomach too. On the way towards Rynek Glowny, I found a nice bar, with wooden tables, and candles in the window, so I decided to jump in there. I ordered a zurek c kielbesamy, and a bigos domowy (hope I spelled it right). The steaming soup warmed all my insides, while an old man was reading newspaper and drinking tea by the neighbouring table. The atmosphere was so soothing, warm, cozy..and..in this moment of contentment, a familiar tune started to play... this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ymn-mRrqnSc
It is "Where do I begin" from Shirley Bassey...well..in that moment...shivers started to run up and down my back..arms...I melted..I put down my spoon..and traveled...to the stars, to the moon, I had no body any more...I was just an angel's wing....
After such a marvelous...and "busy" day..I thought nothing more can come..but..as I entered the room, I saw that the maid, who have done my bed, took my little bear (I got it from my sister's daughter as a present, and in the morning, I placed him on the drawer next to my bed) and put him on my pillow, but in such way, that he was covered by the blanket up to his chest...nicely arranged...he looked like he was comfortably lying there, waiting for me..and...I felt...I am not alone...I felt that love is there in the gentleness of the people, it is there in every little act..you do to please the other...so I took him, we danced around in the room, and then both of us stretched on the bed...looking up...spotting the moon that took over the reign for the night..and through my roof windowns she had the chance to shine down on my bed, and keep me company in my dreams...
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Moonwalk
Yesterday has certainly been a busy day...after 3 hours of sleep during the night, it started at 5 am, and ended at 2 am the next day, when I finally managed to get to bed; fell into the arms of Morpheus and found it difficult to get out of it the next morning.
Crowd on the bus, rushing people, and finally the office. Today I really enjoyed being there, had a tasty coffee, and conversed with lovely people, was such an upbeat! I felt content, energetic, and excited...my colleague next to me was singing, she had a good mood too, and seemed like it was contageous :) When I finally finished, I decided - as I usually do lately - that I will walk home from a certain point. So I got off the subway, took a turn and got to the square in front of the Basilika..it was already dark, but the building was lit up...I stood there for a fraction of second, looked up and spotted my closest friend, the moon. I sent her a mischevious smile and decided to go on. When I was on the small street perpendicular to the Basilika, the bells started to ring...so I decided to turn back and take a look at the building again..there he stood...majestically, in himself (I think it is a he) he was the representative of noble authority...it is taller than all the buildings around and with its roofs, it somehow embodies history, it proclaims superiority. He is standing there, like an oldfashioned man, watching over the city and its inhabitant, making sure that values such as morality, honesty still exist...and play an important role in our lives. I stood there stounded...then bowed down before him, and continued my journey towards the riverbank.
As I was walking there, looking at the castle, the Gellert Hill, the Chain Bridge..the Moon was looking down on me, she was telling me how much she waited for me to come, she was so lonely, she needed company. She knows that I love to converse with her, listen to her, that I admire her, that I am dazzled by her mistery. I was happy to see her grow..I remembered that just a couple days before, when I was searching for her on the sky, she was just so skinny..and she had the shape of a laughing mouth..but today I could feel her power...she is gaining it back, she is getting more complete..rounded, slowly she is getting in charge of the tides, our dreams and moods. She does it very cunningly indeed...we would not even realize it...though she is a proud queen she likes to be glorified. Today she told me about her love, the sun...how their love is eternal, how they are connected, they belong together and yet cannot be together...I found it sad, but she told me that she treasures the moments when at dawn there are such times when she is about to leave but she makes the last steps towards the gates slowly, looking back, always hoping that she would spot him, and the sun hurried by his passionate feelings manages to break into the glimmering garden, and for a few seconds, they can see each other..their hearts start to pound and we can see it, because the sky turns into an undescribable colour, and all the nature rejoices upon their reunion. I thought about this, and driven by a..sudden motivation, I looked at the newspaper I purchased an hour ago....I opened it, and there was a necklace in it...I have seen something like this before too...it is actually one necklace split into 2..the medal is also split..it has the shape of a heart, and on one half are the letters LO, on the other one VE...at other moments..I would have thought "ahh..a bit...too much" but...in this moment...I put the 2 halves together...and smiled at the moon...and she smiled back at me...and so a bit taken aback, a bit puzzled I walked home followed by her silvery eyes, her shimmering reflection on the water below. I thanked her for always being there for me, for guiding me, comforting me, for understanding my dreaminess, for supporting me, for showing me all the beauties of the night..her kingdom..
Crowd on the bus, rushing people, and finally the office. Today I really enjoyed being there, had a tasty coffee, and conversed with lovely people, was such an upbeat! I felt content, energetic, and excited...my colleague next to me was singing, she had a good mood too, and seemed like it was contageous :) When I finally finished, I decided - as I usually do lately - that I will walk home from a certain point. So I got off the subway, took a turn and got to the square in front of the Basilika..it was already dark, but the building was lit up...I stood there for a fraction of second, looked up and spotted my closest friend, the moon. I sent her a mischevious smile and decided to go on. When I was on the small street perpendicular to the Basilika, the bells started to ring...so I decided to turn back and take a look at the building again..there he stood...majestically, in himself (I think it is a he) he was the representative of noble authority...it is taller than all the buildings around and with its roofs, it somehow embodies history, it proclaims superiority. He is standing there, like an oldfashioned man, watching over the city and its inhabitant, making sure that values such as morality, honesty still exist...and play an important role in our lives. I stood there stounded...then bowed down before him, and continued my journey towards the riverbank.
As I was walking there, looking at the castle, the Gellert Hill, the Chain Bridge..the Moon was looking down on me, she was telling me how much she waited for me to come, she was so lonely, she needed company. She knows that I love to converse with her, listen to her, that I admire her, that I am dazzled by her mistery. I was happy to see her grow..I remembered that just a couple days before, when I was searching for her on the sky, she was just so skinny..and she had the shape of a laughing mouth..but today I could feel her power...she is gaining it back, she is getting more complete..rounded, slowly she is getting in charge of the tides, our dreams and moods. She does it very cunningly indeed...we would not even realize it...though she is a proud queen she likes to be glorified. Today she told me about her love, the sun...how their love is eternal, how they are connected, they belong together and yet cannot be together...I found it sad, but she told me that she treasures the moments when at dawn there are such times when she is about to leave but she makes the last steps towards the gates slowly, looking back, always hoping that she would spot him, and the sun hurried by his passionate feelings manages to break into the glimmering garden, and for a few seconds, they can see each other..their hearts start to pound and we can see it, because the sky turns into an undescribable colour, and all the nature rejoices upon their reunion. I thought about this, and driven by a..sudden motivation, I looked at the newspaper I purchased an hour ago....I opened it, and there was a necklace in it...I have seen something like this before too...it is actually one necklace split into 2..the medal is also split..it has the shape of a heart, and on one half are the letters LO, on the other one VE...at other moments..I would have thought "ahh..a bit...too much" but...in this moment...I put the 2 halves together...and smiled at the moon...and she smiled back at me...and so a bit taken aback, a bit puzzled I walked home followed by her silvery eyes, her shimmering reflection on the water below. I thanked her for always being there for me, for guiding me, comforting me, for understanding my dreaminess, for supporting me, for showing me all the beauties of the night..her kingdom..
Monday, 7 February 2011
Ready for your arrival Spring!
Over the weekend and today, the weather in Budapest was just amazing! After the gloomy, foggy, cold days, the sun started to shine, the temperature went up, and it made all the difference!
My plants in my room started to get greener, the people started to smile and walk more, the benches on the bank of the Duna river became filled with people, gazing the castle on the other side, letting the sun caress their faces. Though I was working over the night on Saturday and Sunday, I took the effort and did not sleep during the whole day, instead I walked a lot! On Saturday, after coffee, and quick visit to a second hand shop, we made a long walk with a precious friend of mine, we talked, planned some future trips and enjoyed what the day had to offer..we went to the Margit island, sat there for a while, watched the people passing by, bathed in the sun, smelled the fragrance of the spring, laughed a lot and filled ourselves up with energy! Hmmm...afte all the walk though I had a lot of difficulties staying awake at night in the office :(
On Sunday before work, in the evening I visited B, spent some time before her flat on the hill, where the castle is, gazed at the lights of the Buda hills, and the narrow sickle (reaping hook?) of the moon...and felt so much filled with peace..I was not cold, though I only had a thin coat on, the air was filled with promises, happiness, and scent of the fairies..I looked down on the old streets meandering under the castle, looked through some windows, saw the nice blue and yellow walls of a living room, then I turned my head up, and recognized Draco just above me, no clouds covered the sky so I could search for the star signs a bit...I felt like I am in heaven...in that moment all joy and feeling of loving everything flooded my heart and I was just smiling to myself...there was noone around to share it with, but the feeling lasted and so I gave a big hug to my friend after I entered her flat.
Today again I went for a nice walk with another friend (Z) and it was gorgeous..now the sun is not only providing the light, like it did over the winter (well it's still winter...) but we could feel it's heat! We were so happy to be outside, to be so free, so joyous! I think...we deserved this perfect day!
My plants in my room started to get greener, the people started to smile and walk more, the benches on the bank of the Duna river became filled with people, gazing the castle on the other side, letting the sun caress their faces. Though I was working over the night on Saturday and Sunday, I took the effort and did not sleep during the whole day, instead I walked a lot! On Saturday, after coffee, and quick visit to a second hand shop, we made a long walk with a precious friend of mine, we talked, planned some future trips and enjoyed what the day had to offer..we went to the Margit island, sat there for a while, watched the people passing by, bathed in the sun, smelled the fragrance of the spring, laughed a lot and filled ourselves up with energy! Hmmm...afte all the walk though I had a lot of difficulties staying awake at night in the office :(
On Sunday before work, in the evening I visited B, spent some time before her flat on the hill, where the castle is, gazed at the lights of the Buda hills, and the narrow sickle (reaping hook?) of the moon...and felt so much filled with peace..I was not cold, though I only had a thin coat on, the air was filled with promises, happiness, and scent of the fairies..I looked down on the old streets meandering under the castle, looked through some windows, saw the nice blue and yellow walls of a living room, then I turned my head up, and recognized Draco just above me, no clouds covered the sky so I could search for the star signs a bit...I felt like I am in heaven...in that moment all joy and feeling of loving everything flooded my heart and I was just smiling to myself...there was noone around to share it with, but the feeling lasted and so I gave a big hug to my friend after I entered her flat.
Today again I went for a nice walk with another friend (Z) and it was gorgeous..now the sun is not only providing the light, like it did over the winter (well it's still winter...) but we could feel it's heat! We were so happy to be outside, to be so free, so joyous! I think...we deserved this perfect day!
The restless creature demands retreat
In the past days, I realized, that there is something in me...something located near the heart...and this something is really...restless...not feeling well, feeling imprisoned, wanting to break free..I tried to understand this something..but had no success...I tried to listen to it, tried to figure out why it is so sad/panicked..but could not hear the answers...if there were answers...I tried to neglect it...but I could not...it made me feel down...and I was completely confused...I sat down and told myself..D..this is crazy..you should be happy, you have work, you have a marvelous family, loving and caring friends around you...a person who was important for you walked out of your life, but you do not feel anger, you keep on praying for him, because now you understood that love cannot be forced on anyone...and he made his choice, followed his heart, for which I look up to him....he did not stay with you just because you were together for so long...he was brave enough to take the risks, throw away everything and plunge into the promising unknown...I understood that his heart demanded him to be with the girl who can make his life complete...I was not this girl...it is someone else...and he was honest upon letting me know about it...so at the beginning it is awful for the ego of course but then I realized that even though he has passion for someone else, he is still my friend, and soulmate, and though we cannot allow to communicate, because it would not serve us good yet...the wounds of love are not yet healed, I can silently pray for his happiness and wellbeing, and it gives me comfort to leave it all up to God...so...really everything is fine...then how come that this something in me is not wanting to calm down? This something makes me feel like I am imprisoned, that the days just go by, but I am not living...I am doing things automatically and without true joy...nah...I am writing the book of joy..without any joy in me...kinda ironic no? So...I spent hours to try to figure out what could I do to make this thing in me peaceful.
And then..in one moment...it became clear to me...I need to go away..for a little time...I need to face myself, at a remote place where noone knows me...where I am on my own...with my soul...with my heart...with my views, doubts, fears and happiness...I need to see me...and when it dawned on me...the thing seemed to calm down...ever since it is OK, not so restless any more...and I am going to Krakow over the weekend...ticket for the bus bought...hotel booked...not sure how it will go...what it will bring...all I'd like is to relax...to be a bit far away from everything that overwhelmed me in the past months...hopefully upon coming back I will be able to know more about myself..and will have a better idea of how to speak the language of the "thing" in me...
And then..in one moment...it became clear to me...I need to go away..for a little time...I need to face myself, at a remote place where noone knows me...where I am on my own...with my soul...with my heart...with my views, doubts, fears and happiness...I need to see me...and when it dawned on me...the thing seemed to calm down...ever since it is OK, not so restless any more...and I am going to Krakow over the weekend...ticket for the bus bought...hotel booked...not sure how it will go...what it will bring...all I'd like is to relax...to be a bit far away from everything that overwhelmed me in the past months...hopefully upon coming back I will be able to know more about myself..and will have a better idea of how to speak the language of the "thing" in me...
Connected
Last week I had a meeting with a friend of mine..We met after work, in the afternoon, on a cold cold day. While I was waiting for her, in the tram stop, I started to examine the people around me. I was just standing there, like an outsider, and here are the results of my "research". The lights by the pedestrian crossing turn to green every 3 minutes..the trams come every let's say 10 minutes...yet, everyone was in a rush...but so much that I was really taken aback by looking this..this mass of people, everyone hurrying..mothers pulling after themselves their kids, people tripping over the rails of the tramlines...I started to think...what urges them, what forces them to be in such a hurry...I mean...I understand that after a long day at work, they would like to be at home early, cook some supper, prepare for bed and so on..but I am not sure, that if they act like this on the streets, and they are able to frustrate themselves if they miss a tram (what then? the next one comes in 10 minutes, and this 10 minutes they could spend on looking at the sky, or think about their days or whatever) then at home they can change completely and put aside the hussles of the city, work etc...well...I could be wrong, but all I'm saying is that this kind of behaviour was not favoured by me...especially because from the outside it looked so automatic..as if the street lamp had the power of a God and could control/turn upside down people's feelings...when the light was green, everyone started to run, not caring if they run into another person, some swearing, some saying sorry..and then comes yellow, then people start to run even faster..and finally red, and everyone sighs..and becomes impatient..should we really allow a simple street light to affect our mood and temper...like it seemed to do on this fine afternoon?
When my friend arrived we headed to a nice little teahouse, where we took off our shoes and sat down. Ordered tea, and started to talk. One special thing in our friendship with this girl is that we do not meet often..maybe once a year, but even so we are able to pick up from where we left off. We were not part of the same circle of friends, we met at University, and something drew us towards each other. I cannot tell what it was, but upon seeing her I felt like I have to get to know her..some peculiar kind of light in her eyes, maybe its her energy that is radiating from her..not sure, but I just knew we cannot walk by each other and not try to get to know each other better. I think she could have felt the same, and since then, even though we are not at University any more and we both have our own lives, we meet occasionally, and have a great time together. Strangely enough it seems like that we come to a certain stage in our inner development at the same time. We started to talk, and it turned out, that she is trying to find answers for the same questions which bug me lately too...her reasons are different but the questions and alternatives that could serve as solutions are very similar to mine...so it is very refreshing to talk to her, to hear her experiences because I can identify with them so much, and vice versa she understands my doubts, theories, feelings...When I am with her, I am truly myself, and I feel like she sees right down to my soul...she can have a clear vision, I cannot blindfold her with my many "masks"...We spent there more than 3 hours, but it all felt like half an hour...I learned a lot, we discussed, that we feel like certain "shocks" are needed to wake us up, to guide us and direct us to where we need to go...obviously these shocks are not pleasant, but seems like they cannot be avoided..moreover they prevent us from getting lazy...When everything is OK, it is much more difficult to think..to reflect upon where we are heading..we might feel that something is not right, but then as everything seems to be just fine on the surface we get rid of this inner warning...and we go on...without developing...but then if a shock comes, there is no way of neglecting it...it brings with itself sadness, a feeling of dispair, which needs to be delt with...then you need to look inside you and find your way of overcoming it....it's a tough road, but I felt like I was given some extra strength, which could help me climb the mountain ahead of me...Thanks so much G!
When my friend arrived we headed to a nice little teahouse, where we took off our shoes and sat down. Ordered tea, and started to talk. One special thing in our friendship with this girl is that we do not meet often..maybe once a year, but even so we are able to pick up from where we left off. We were not part of the same circle of friends, we met at University, and something drew us towards each other. I cannot tell what it was, but upon seeing her I felt like I have to get to know her..some peculiar kind of light in her eyes, maybe its her energy that is radiating from her..not sure, but I just knew we cannot walk by each other and not try to get to know each other better. I think she could have felt the same, and since then, even though we are not at University any more and we both have our own lives, we meet occasionally, and have a great time together. Strangely enough it seems like that we come to a certain stage in our inner development at the same time. We started to talk, and it turned out, that she is trying to find answers for the same questions which bug me lately too...her reasons are different but the questions and alternatives that could serve as solutions are very similar to mine...so it is very refreshing to talk to her, to hear her experiences because I can identify with them so much, and vice versa she understands my doubts, theories, feelings...When I am with her, I am truly myself, and I feel like she sees right down to my soul...she can have a clear vision, I cannot blindfold her with my many "masks"...We spent there more than 3 hours, but it all felt like half an hour...I learned a lot, we discussed, that we feel like certain "shocks" are needed to wake us up, to guide us and direct us to where we need to go...obviously these shocks are not pleasant, but seems like they cannot be avoided..moreover they prevent us from getting lazy...When everything is OK, it is much more difficult to think..to reflect upon where we are heading..we might feel that something is not right, but then as everything seems to be just fine on the surface we get rid of this inner warning...and we go on...without developing...but then if a shock comes, there is no way of neglecting it...it brings with itself sadness, a feeling of dispair, which needs to be delt with...then you need to look inside you and find your way of overcoming it....it's a tough road, but I felt like I was given some extra strength, which could help me climb the mountain ahead of me...Thanks so much G!
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Don't let the light be switched off on you
Let's imagine that we are in a room, comfortable sofa, plants by the window, joyful colours all over, a bookshelf full of very interesting books. Candles are burning, the room smells nicely thanks to the insense sticks burning, a gentle melody is playing, and we are happy...the gazing of the candles fills our heart with happiness, and we think we managed to find the utmost joy, we feel happy and free...
Now..I have not mentioned it, but this is a special candle...it can be only lit by a certain person..and this person decided to walk up there, and extinguish the light..and he walks out of the room..so what happens? There is darkness all over..you cannot see the colours, the music disturbs you, because when you cannot see your ears tend to become more sensitive, this is a way of you trying to control the situation..so you'd like to hear something, to make sure you are all right, noone is going to hurt you, but you can't really hear due to the music. All the sudden you are not so happy any more..you are sitting there, paralyzed, your heart racing, afraid, in despair, doubtful.
If only you could light up those candles...but you cannot...or..can you ?
The description above I would have liked to share, so that our attitude to happiness could be easier explained. For example when we are in love..we are very happy...it makes us content that the person we love, loves us too...and in order to maintain his/her affection towards us, we are even willing to do things, that will make us even more "wanted" by the other person. We loose ourselves a bit, because we became let's use a sharp expression.."drugged"...we are happy if he/she shows that he/she loves us, if he/she sends us message, if he/she suprises us and so on. That is no problem, if at the same time other things can make us content too...the stars, the sunset, even if it is contemplated alone...if we start to lament, saying..ahh this is nice, all right, but it would only be perfect if he/she was here to see this with me...then...we shall realize that we are not in charge of the light any more...we are in a way directed/controlled by another person (it can be another thing too, mmm...recognition in work, or the attention of friends etc. but to use the idea of another person seemed to be easier) we laid the matches on the palm of the guardian of our happiness. It is really easy to do, we might not even be conscious about it. We shall be alert though. Why? Because if this person, who lit our candle, suddenly decided to blow the candle, we become stressful, sad, we start to blame ourselves, our self esteem sinks, and we might even get depressed, just like in the dark room. There is a feeling of complete uncertainty. We trusted this person so much, we thought by giving him/her the matches, he will always protect the light, and the darkness will not threaten us any more. However he/she might not have been even aware that we gave him/her the most valuable of our belongings, the magic matches..therefore he/she shall not be blamed for leaving and extinguishing the light. He/she could have thought, that we have another set of matches laying somewhere on the table. But it serves as a good lesson..this person showed us..taught us, that we are responsible for our own light, and that we shall never give away those matches. We should enclose it in our hearts.
Now, when it is the question of the candle in a room, it is easy to think, that we should take things into our hands, find a lighter quickly and light the candle, but when we are talking about our happiness it is a different issue...it is difficult to look into ourselves, fight the battle facing our toughest enemies, all our worries and fears. It might even seem hopeless to find the matches again, the matches that will enable us, to light up the candle of happiness in our hearts. But we shall endure, we have experienced the dark room of loneliness and certainly we would not wish to find ourselves there again.
Now..I have not mentioned it, but this is a special candle...it can be only lit by a certain person..and this person decided to walk up there, and extinguish the light..and he walks out of the room..so what happens? There is darkness all over..you cannot see the colours, the music disturbs you, because when you cannot see your ears tend to become more sensitive, this is a way of you trying to control the situation..so you'd like to hear something, to make sure you are all right, noone is going to hurt you, but you can't really hear due to the music. All the sudden you are not so happy any more..you are sitting there, paralyzed, your heart racing, afraid, in despair, doubtful.
If only you could light up those candles...but you cannot...or..can you ?
The description above I would have liked to share, so that our attitude to happiness could be easier explained. For example when we are in love..we are very happy...it makes us content that the person we love, loves us too...and in order to maintain his/her affection towards us, we are even willing to do things, that will make us even more "wanted" by the other person. We loose ourselves a bit, because we became let's use a sharp expression.."drugged"...we are happy if he/she shows that he/she loves us, if he/she sends us message, if he/she suprises us and so on. That is no problem, if at the same time other things can make us content too...the stars, the sunset, even if it is contemplated alone...if we start to lament, saying..ahh this is nice, all right, but it would only be perfect if he/she was here to see this with me...then...we shall realize that we are not in charge of the light any more...we are in a way directed/controlled by another person (it can be another thing too, mmm...recognition in work, or the attention of friends etc. but to use the idea of another person seemed to be easier) we laid the matches on the palm of the guardian of our happiness. It is really easy to do, we might not even be conscious about it. We shall be alert though. Why? Because if this person, who lit our candle, suddenly decided to blow the candle, we become stressful, sad, we start to blame ourselves, our self esteem sinks, and we might even get depressed, just like in the dark room. There is a feeling of complete uncertainty. We trusted this person so much, we thought by giving him/her the matches, he will always protect the light, and the darkness will not threaten us any more. However he/she might not have been even aware that we gave him/her the most valuable of our belongings, the magic matches..therefore he/she shall not be blamed for leaving and extinguishing the light. He/she could have thought, that we have another set of matches laying somewhere on the table. But it serves as a good lesson..this person showed us..taught us, that we are responsible for our own light, and that we shall never give away those matches. We should enclose it in our hearts.
Now, when it is the question of the candle in a room, it is easy to think, that we should take things into our hands, find a lighter quickly and light the candle, but when we are talking about our happiness it is a different issue...it is difficult to look into ourselves, fight the battle facing our toughest enemies, all our worries and fears. It might even seem hopeless to find the matches again, the matches that will enable us, to light up the candle of happiness in our hearts. But we shall endure, we have experienced the dark room of loneliness and certainly we would not wish to find ourselves there again.
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