Before you start to read today's note, I shall warn you, that it might not be too inspiring...positive..it follows the path of the hurricane that is sweeping through within me...
Something is not quite right...but I am not sure what it is...it really gives me a headache...because...in fact everything is just all right...I should be happy, or if not even happy, at least satisfied...but I am not. I have a great family, marvelous friends, who love me, on whom I can always count, they are healthy, I have a job, nice flat...many people would be so overwhelmed, if they were provided these "things", and here I am...and I am not content...and it is such a paradoxon, because I know I should be...but...I am not...I feel like something is missing...everything smells too much like routine...and it is awful, because last week I proved myself, that I am able to enjoy life, that I am not a half, but a whole, that there is the seed of happiness planted in me, that I am able to heal myself if I am wounded, that I can be friends with loneliness...that I am able to feel great in a situation (country, city) I am not familiar with....yesterday I proved myself that I am able to love myself...I turned on some music and danced in the candlelight...and felt good, precious....and today...here I am, and...I am not sure...if all this is good...my intention of figuring out how to reach happiness...I start to feel, that there is nothing I can do about it...because it is a goal, that cannot be reached even if you are working diligently for it...I have read books, tried to meditate, took walks, tore myself out of the daily routine, went against my fears, tried a lot of things, and still...I have no results...so now...I start to think...there is nothing else left, just to let it go, and stop trying...let it flow and wait...patiently...just wait...but then I feel like it is so passive...I'd like to help myself, but...it seems like it doesn't always work...so..right now maybe the best I can do is to do nothing...
I do not know, it is possible that working in the nights makes me too sensitive, or shadows my eyes and I am not able to see...maybe it is the weather, that the sky is not clear, that I did not see the sun shining...maybe it is the lack of colours, that everything is so monoton looking, grey and brown...I'd wish to see some green, and some pink, yellow, blue..purple...maybe it is just that I still fear to admit to myself that I feel lonely. Maybe I am trying too hard to prove myself that all is good, how it is, when in fact I should just admit, that I hate to be like that...but then, there are moments, when I really feel complete and well...it is just that every hilltop is followed by a deep valley, and in the valley it is so hard for me to find faith...to have faith...it is strange because I never really questioned the existence of God..I always believed in Him..and so it should not be such a big step to believe that He has great plans in store for me...yet..I am struggling to believe that...to be honest...I am afraid...I fear that I will continue a "normal life" normal in the eyes of the society..normal from the point of view, that everyone approves of it, because that is what we believe we are here for...work, house, family, kids, then pension, tv, painful bones, slow walks...but...right now I have a craving for something that is not normal...I do not want routine to absorb me, I do not wish to pretend that I am happy, because I am on the right track, and life is treating me well, I am saving money so one day I'll have a house etc. I mean, these things are important, but..they have a meaning when you have someone to share these with, but on the other hand, you should appretiate them even if you enjoy their benefits alone...I don't know...I'm really struggling. Just a few months ago, the prospect of a family, a little house in the countryside, stargazing in the summer night seemed like heaven for me...and it still feels like that it is something that would make me happy, but...I kind of lost hope that I will have this dream come true...and so I had to prepare another scenario...the little house is the same, the stargazing also stayed, but maybe I'll just have a cute dog, and some other animals around....it is still gorgeous, but then I'm thinking...ok, but when shall I have these? in 10 years time? will I be alive still that time? Will the Earth exist? And what will happen until I am waiting to make this dream come true? As I mentioned before..I should be able to enjoy the road that takes me there, but...I feel like I have no strength for it....I have the urge to get away...but I cannot run all the time...I cannot escape myself..fears, doubts....
And what it is that is missing? It is something I could plunge into...something that could give me joy...something I'd do from the heart...going to Krakow was really something that pushed my adrenalin to a high level, it was an adventure...so lately I started to feel like...I want to do some crazy things...to be able to feel free...free from the routine of the daily life, free from the constraints of society..free from the rules, free from the categories (what is considered to be acceptable and what is not) and nonetheless free from expectations.... I'd like to dance on a grassy meadow in the moonlight, I'd love to invite strangers for a glass of wine, to ask them about their dreams, visions of life...I'd like to go and listen to stories of old people...I'd like to spend weeks with children and just play with them, draw with them, take them to the forest, show them the beauties of nature, tell them legends about the fairy living there, show them the poisonous and non poisonous mushrooms, I'd like to make them tired, I'd love to show them the stars and tell them about a little prince and his rose, living on one of those far away planets. I'd love to dissolve in their innocence, in their joy of life, in their smile.
When in Krakow, enjoying the sun in the castle, a group of kids from kindergarten came to see the dragon. Everyone was behaving how the teacher told them, except for Pavel. No matter how the lady was shouting at him, he broke free and ran to the statue of the dragon. In this moment the dragon blew fire, and Pavel was so scared that he ran away. The teacher could hardly catch him. I found the scene entertaining and thought, this Pavel is a brave one! I thought he has the curiosity and the courage, he was reckless, and not paying much attention to the teacher's commands :) I had the urge to go down there and grab this Pavel, to take him with me, for a stroll along the river..I wished to hold his little hands then show him the wonderful swans, let him feed them, then I would have loved to take him with me, to my room, play games, read some stories to him from a book, then watch him sleeping after a long day...sleeping and dreaming with fire blowing dragons and white swans....
But the reality is that I do not have a Pavel, I am not in Krakow any more, I am working in the night, I am exhausted, and confused...standing on shaky grounds...trying to understand, or at least accept...trying to hope, but...loneliness is a tough enemy...because when you are lonely, you feel like an outsider...not part of humanity any more...and this vortex can pull you down easily...if you fight against it and panic, it wins over you...but if you go to its bottom, patiently...no matter if your life is at stake, and only fractions of seconds separate you from death...if you go to the bottom with determination, you can get out of it...so I guess that is what I need to do, search for the bottom, then break free, but a bit of sunshine, some sleep could really come handy...could fill up my batteries...
Well, surely all this...the things written above are not too positive, but...at least now, that I wrote it out of myself I feel a bit better...I told it, I shared it...so now...it is free to go...and leave me..giving its place over to something else..hopefully something more joyful :)
No comments:
Post a Comment