fresh air in the airless room..

Imagine a room...a room, that has been closed, noone opened the door for a long time, so now inside the room it is airless...frowzy..well...that is how it has been with a room in my heart, called the soul.  I felt stranded..past days I felt I will not be able to get out of this vortex of my thoughts, and today, someone came, opened the door, and let the fresh air in...with some piercing, true words, she swept out the bed smell, and replaced it with some new spring breeze...

Today I learned, that I am greedy..and snobbish...Well, this friend came over to me and as it was my habit last days I started to complain, I started to explain her, how I feel guilty, for not being able to appretiate what I have..I take them for granted, and yet cannot feel content that I have them...and for this I feel ashamed, because I know they should make me happy, but they don't.  Also I told her, that maybe it is because I have a too good life, and all this I am doing is just a kind of "luxury hysteria" (a favourite definition of another friend of mine) because if I had major problems in life, or if I did not have so much time, maybe I would not even be thinking about things such as "why am I not happy, if I know I should be, is it good what I am doing" etc.  I'd be just doing what I need to do, and the work would make me tired and I would know my place in the world, and I could be content.

Her reaction was...truly honest..she did not want to protect me, or caress my head, telling me that everything will be fine, and that I am great etc.  She was blunt, her opinion was like a slap in the face, but it woke me up, and therefore I am thankful for it.  So here is what I learned. 

I am greedy. But not in its "usual" meaning.  I do not look for material things, a lot of money, houses, expensive trips etc.  Nope, so till now I was fooling myself, telling me that I am humble, these earthly things do not interest me.  But!!! I had to realize, that I am "spiritually/emotionally" greedy.  I am trying to hunt down happiness, I am looking for such a state of calmness like the gurus have, I want to be wise, I want to be awake, I want to be able to find the joy in every moment, I want to be able to read the signs etc.  I created, a cloud covered, mystic mountain top, where only some special people may enter, and I started to get frustrated, that though I am trying so hard, I am reading books, I am paying attention, the result is not coming, and I cannot reach the mountain top.  And so I felt disappointed...but it is so stupid, because joy is just like love, you cannot capture it and then put it in a box, and cling to it, hoping that then it will always be with you.  The more you want to grab it, the farther you get from it.  Moreover, the things written in books reflect a certain path..the path of the writer, but they just tell these things to us, so that they could help us...but everyone needs to find their own path, with their own struggles, and own solutions..and it is possible that the result will be the same, but the way there! and that is what matters, is indeed very varied, made for the person, to fit him/her like a perfect dress.  Also, what I was not so much aware was that...this search for happiness was in a way..."forced" on me from outside.  The media, the books, everyone just trying to help you how to find yourself, how to get all the potential out of you etc.  They set a goal, and I am trying to go for that goal, and then I feel less, if I do not reach it, if on some days I am down, if I cannot solve a problem, if I cannot act perfectly, if Icannot keep my emotions under control.  But in fact it is the same as if a man wants to have a big house and he does everything for it..tackles down colleagues, works overtime and so on.  Just my ambitious behaviour is not so much visible, and it causes conflicts mainly within me, making me become a nightmare for my friends, with all my complaints :)  but..finally, that I understood, that by rushing after "happiness" setting the goal of getting to a state when I can live in the present and so on should not be pursued by all means...I can allow myself the luxury of some sadness, here and there, but instead of focusing on the goal all the time, and being angry for not reaching it, I should just let it go.  If  I get there some day, I shall be glad, if not, I shall be glad still, because again..it is the path...the way..the harmony of the bow, the hand and the archer that matters...

I learned that I am somewhat snobbish..I tend to think of myself as if I am more special than the others, as if life should treat me differently because I am me! So beside giving me friends, and family etc. it should give me "spiritual enlightenement" and so on.  Nah...the thing is that I am special...but everyone else is...so that little word "more" made all the difference.  Because if you think that you are "more" special than others, you think that you are entitled to great job, that you enjoy, to great, everlasting love, to marvelous family and so on.  But if you understand that you are special, just like everyone else is, then you understand that the things you receive in life are not for granted.  You need to face challenges, you need to tackle fear, doubt, you need to put up with tension, sadness, anger, wounds...everyone else has to, why would you be an exception?  A lot of books, some of these ezoterical books tell you that you are not on Earth to spend 8 hours in the office, you should search for greater, more important things, you should be in harmony with yourself, but aha! here is the paradoxon again, there you are sitting in the office for 8 hours and lament how you should not be doing this, because you are here for more...so not even in your free time are you melancholic, and unsure, but also in the office your thoughts are "poisoned" and you dream about being a shepherd...but..should it not be so that they should just try to make you understand that if you humbly accept, that for the moment this is your job, and you are at the right place, would it not be easier?  Would it not make you content, so that you would have the energy and capacity to look at the signs, and if another chance comes along you would be able to take it?  I am saying this because I feel like I was a bit trapped...I kept on focusing on why life is not how it should be, or how I dreamt of it, and forgot to look at the other side...that if I just accepted it that this is my task now, to work in an office, but if I want it I can change it, as I am free to do what I please, because I am willing to take the responsibility for my actions...then maybe I would have spared myself some hours of despair...If I think back to my grandma, she never came across ezoterical books, she never aimed for spiritual wisdom, she never complained that she could not be herself in work etc. but also she never told me that she was not happy.  She knew that at the time, her place was there, on the field, she did not want to be a famous painter or writer or whatever, she knew her "limits" she was happy to accept, to work on the fields, to milk the cows, to make supper for her family, and yet she was so wise, she could say things which are now explained through hundreds of pages in books.  She did not dream to be, yet she was wise, and this wisdom was taught to her by nature and life.  Of course with this I am not saying that one should not try to reach for the stars...if someone has the talent, and the drive, the strength for it one should go for it, try to become an artist, a leader whatever...but even that...needs to come from the heart...you have to be inspired, you need to be willing to give up many things...but for me for example, who is not so sure of what she wants, cannot take the courage to fully commit herself to something yet, I think that in this stage of searching it is just better to accept how things are, instead of constantly wanting to change it.  Life is a constant change anyway, never the same, it flows, and I cannot stand against the flow either, as even the biggest and toughest rock is moved by the constant pressure of the river...it might take time, but it is inevitable...

I will never compare myself to others any more.  Everyone has his/her joys and sorrows and it is so unique, it is not even worth to try to make the comparison.

I am trying to look into myself and detect, what makes me feel good.  I think happiness like that is not something that can be defined, or described...so I'm just going to search for moments, things which I enjoy.  I enjoy watching the sunset, so I will watch more sunsets.  I enjoy looking at the stars and moon, so I will do that more often too.  I enjoy to play with kids, so I shall pay more visit to my niece and nephew in the future, and will play with them a lot.  I enjoy meeting people, so I will not be afraid to talk to strangers.  I enjoy listening to old people, so I will take courage to help them take their shopping bags home if needed.  I enjoy traveling, so I will travel. I enjoy making others smile, so I will smile a lot. (Like yesterday, we were walking with the girls, and an old man stopped in front of us and said: "This is what I like! If the girls are happy!!" the 2 other girls looked at me, and did not understand as they were not smiling, and I told them that I was :) seems like the old man realized it, and made him happy too :) )

At the end of the conversation we figured out that maybe I have too much energy :) and I should just use it for something else than thinking too much.  So, I intend to save money for a new (pre-professional) digital camera, and get familiar with photography, then I intend to take russian seriously, moreover, I shall start to learn a new language, have not decided yet, if it shall be polish, or czech, but maybe both!  Hopefully studying 3 languages at one time would keep me busy enough :)))