In the past days, I realized, that there is something in me...something located near the heart...and this something is really...restless...not feeling well, feeling imprisoned, wanting to break free..I tried to understand this something..but had no success...I tried to listen to it, tried to figure out why it is so sad/panicked..but could not hear the answers...if there were answers...I tried to neglect it...but I could not...it made me feel down...and I was completely confused...I sat down and told myself..D..this is crazy..you should be happy, you have work, you have a marvelous family, loving and caring friends around you...a person who was important for you walked out of your life, but you do not feel anger, you keep on praying for him, because now you understood that love cannot be forced on anyone...and he made his choice, followed his heart, for which I look up to him....he did not stay with you just because you were together for so long...he was brave enough to take the risks, throw away everything and plunge into the promising unknown...I understood that his heart demanded him to be with the girl who can make his life complete...I was not this girl...it is someone else...and he was honest upon letting me know about it...so at the beginning it is awful for the ego of course but then I realized that even though he has passion for someone else, he is still my friend, and soulmate, and though we cannot allow to communicate, because it would not serve us good yet...the wounds of love are not yet healed, I can silently pray for his happiness and wellbeing, and it gives me comfort to leave it all up to God...so...really everything is fine...then how come that this something in me is not wanting to calm down? This something makes me feel like I am imprisoned, that the days just go by, but I am not living...I am doing things automatically and without true joy...nah...I am writing the book of joy..without any joy in me...kinda ironic no? So...I spent hours to try to figure out what could I do to make this thing in me peaceful.
And then..in one moment...it became clear to me...I need to go away..for a little time...I need to face myself, at a remote place where noone knows me...where I am on my own...with my soul...with my heart...with my views, doubts, fears and happiness...I need to see me...and when it dawned on me...the thing seemed to calm down...ever since it is OK, not so restless any more...and I am going to Krakow over the weekend...ticket for the bus bought...hotel booked...not sure how it will go...what it will bring...all I'd like is to relax...to be a bit far away from everything that overwhelmed me in the past months...hopefully upon coming back I will be able to know more about myself..and will have a better idea of how to speak the language of the "thing" in me...
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