After a night spent with turning back and forth in my bed, checking the clock every hour, I expected to have a rough start of the week...but I was nicely surprised.
I also expected, upon leaving my flat, that there is going to be a queue at the ticket office, where I wished to buy my monthly pass, but again, I was surprised, because there noone, so I managed to get what I wanted rather quickly...Hmmm...seems like fate is in a humourous mood, as it is showing me little by little, that I might have expectations, but everything I expect can turn out completely the other way around, how I expected :) I am happy for that, because this reminds me that I am not in charge, yet I shall be prepared for anything to happen, any time :)
After the bus ride to the metro station, I was happy to see, that the old lady, with thick glasses, whom I recently added to my "favourite beggars" group is there today, not saying a word, just looking somewhere..far...into a world, where we - rushy, working people - might never get a chance to take a glimpse to...I already prepared the money for her, and managed to put it in her palms. This lady, for me, has something in her..in her air, the way she stands there...I feel like I must help her...though she is not whining, or crying, or doing anything...but..it just became my habit to supply her...and afterwords, there appears a smile on my face..
In the office, I was welcomed by an email from a friend, Norita, in which she let me know, that our tracking trip to Austria is in fact taken care of! We'll have a proper transportation there, and I am so much looking forward to get to know those Myra Falls! I have only seen pictures, and they took my breath away, so in heart and spirit I am all prepared to inhale the freshness of the forest, absorb the calmness, the peace of the hills, dance to the crystal clear music of the falls. Yesterday, I spent the second half of my day with a friend, K. I..to be honest I have been neglecting him lately, as I needed time for myself, to get things right. Then we met, went to church together, had supper, a nice walk by the river, and an evening coffee, in the lovely cafe near my flat. He told me that whenever he needs to be filled up by energy, whenever he feels that something is not quite right, he just goes to run, and there in the forest, there is nothing else, but the road, the trees, and him, and it gives him such a pleasure that he feels fascinated. When he told me about that, I also recalled, what it is like to be "lost" in nature, to escape there, and wanting to stay there forever...surrounded by the velvety green moss, the cracking noises of forest animal hiding behind the bushes...it is a feeling of completion, a feeling of knowing where I belong...Therefore I am much looking forward to go, and give myself thoroughly to the healing, caressing, loving hands of the mighty nature...for the first time, this Saturday, then in less then 2 weeks time, when I set off, and explore the mysteries of the camino...the road that goes under the Milky Way, the road, that has been walked by so many others...the road, where so many have freed themselves of their burdens, and at the end, strenghtened, gained something special, that took them closer to understanding the Universe.
After work, and Russian I grew very tired, but had the urge to walk home...as I always do lately...I guess it can be a nice preparation, for the big road ahead of me. I was listening to music, and went down to the river. The bridges, the castle, and the churches were lit, and everything seemed to be so beautiful...as if I have never seen before...though I walk this road every day, it is not at all routinous, I find some additional piece of miracle, a shade or a mixture of colour that makes the given evening peculiar. I stood there for a little while, and gave thanks..for everything...for the problems, and hurdles even...that came my way lately, because nowadays I start to see, that one can only get stronger, more sure of herself, if her spirits are trained in fire...if one is tossed to the depths, but is able to stand up...taking time, not hurrying, giving the essential amount of minutes, days, weeks to grieving, or sorrow, or doubt or whatever, only then can one develop...on the emotional side...I could have just shoveled all the bad things of the past months under the cover...but would it have helped me on the long run? Nope, they would have stayed in me, unresolved...but this way...that I was generous with myself, and instead of neglecting questions and fears in me, I faced them...I feel like I grew much stronger...enduring, and I explored vast...new horizons in myself...that might not have happened...I would not have learned so much, if I managed to escape the deep, dry, dark valleys of the past months...The hours spent by rebelling, doubting, grieving had their task, and now I lift my head up, and keep going on...doodling, revitalized :)
Monday, 28 March 2011
Saturday, 26 March 2011
Memories 2
This morning, after my previous note, I went to make a coffee for myself. I sat down, looked at the sun shining outside...and then, for some reason, my eyes wandered to my bookshelf. There I spotted a notebook, that I once received from my friends. I took it and opened it...not sure if it was fate, or God's hand, but it opened up, where there was a note from 05.03.2006. I thought, it is worth to share it here...
"Last night we arrived back to the dorm at around midnight. We were not so sleepy, so decided to sit around for a while, on the comfortable couches of the hallway. We talked till 4 AM. We talked about the following things: Is it possible to have friendship between men and women - the eternal question...poor P, it is even painful to look at him, because he gets so sad when it comes to the topic of love, his heart is still aching... (his girlfriend broke up with him, before he came to St. Petersburg) But G is completely his opposite. Very cheerful, his attitude is so positive, I can learn a lot from him. He has great thoughts. We talked also about love...what is love? How do we behave at the beginning of the relationship, and what changes towards the end (P's special topic) and whether we can be brave enough to show our feelings completely? The conclusion was, that in the beginning, even if we tried to give ourselves to the other one completely, we would not be able...in the beginning not, but gradually...we get to know each other, and we can decide if we really are made for each other. The essence/most important thing is mutuality, and to show what we feel for the other, instead of "playing the games" and hide the true feelings. Then what is the meaning of life? How can we live so, that once we look back, we would not feel ashamed? After this night talk, I thought a lot in my bed, and concluded the following: The "meaning" of life, is to do good, to help others find joy, and while doing so, we also start feeling better, more in harmony with ourselves. Paralelly, we need to strenghten (open?) the ties with God, trust Him, and love Him. Not an easy task, though the formula is simple. There is too much temptation, and to outshine the the world's greyness is difficult, but it is worth the try. On a completely grey sheet, a red dot is easily recognized, it stands out, it draws the attention...so that is our task, to be red dots on the grey sheet, and if there are more and more red/yellow/purple dots at the end, the grey sheet will turn a marvelous painting...."
It was strange to read these lines..strange to read about someone, being in a similar situation at the time, strange to hear my thoughts echoing back to me...strange to feel the power and optimism radiating from my words..I sat there for a while, above my coffee, and marveled at how many things changed since then, how much I opened up since then, and how I closed the shells tightly...how even after 5 years, the same questions apply, thought I can add a bit more flavour to the answers....Future is unforeseen, and it is good this way, I'd never want to know what is going to happen next...I leave it all to God/Fate, call it what you'd like...through things happening, the world forming, feelings coming and going I learn more about life...day by day...
A poem, that I added to my note on that day in March, 2006
Szép Ernő: Ne hidd
"Last night we arrived back to the dorm at around midnight. We were not so sleepy, so decided to sit around for a while, on the comfortable couches of the hallway. We talked till 4 AM. We talked about the following things: Is it possible to have friendship between men and women - the eternal question...poor P, it is even painful to look at him, because he gets so sad when it comes to the topic of love, his heart is still aching... (his girlfriend broke up with him, before he came to St. Petersburg) But G is completely his opposite. Very cheerful, his attitude is so positive, I can learn a lot from him. He has great thoughts. We talked also about love...what is love? How do we behave at the beginning of the relationship, and what changes towards the end (P's special topic) and whether we can be brave enough to show our feelings completely? The conclusion was, that in the beginning, even if we tried to give ourselves to the other one completely, we would not be able...in the beginning not, but gradually...we get to know each other, and we can decide if we really are made for each other. The essence/most important thing is mutuality, and to show what we feel for the other, instead of "playing the games" and hide the true feelings. Then what is the meaning of life? How can we live so, that once we look back, we would not feel ashamed? After this night talk, I thought a lot in my bed, and concluded the following: The "meaning" of life, is to do good, to help others find joy, and while doing so, we also start feeling better, more in harmony with ourselves. Paralelly, we need to strenghten (open?) the ties with God, trust Him, and love Him. Not an easy task, though the formula is simple. There is too much temptation, and to outshine the the world's greyness is difficult, but it is worth the try. On a completely grey sheet, a red dot is easily recognized, it stands out, it draws the attention...so that is our task, to be red dots on the grey sheet, and if there are more and more red/yellow/purple dots at the end, the grey sheet will turn a marvelous painting...."
It was strange to read these lines..strange to read about someone, being in a similar situation at the time, strange to hear my thoughts echoing back to me...strange to feel the power and optimism radiating from my words..I sat there for a while, above my coffee, and marveled at how many things changed since then, how much I opened up since then, and how I closed the shells tightly...how even after 5 years, the same questions apply, thought I can add a bit more flavour to the answers....Future is unforeseen, and it is good this way, I'd never want to know what is going to happen next...I leave it all to God/Fate, call it what you'd like...through things happening, the world forming, feelings coming and going I learn more about life...day by day...
A poem, that I added to my note on that day in March, 2006
Szép Ernő: Ne hidd
Ne hidd, ne hidd, ami igaz
Ami kegyetlen, ami gaz
Mi ocsmány és alávaló
Ne hidd, ne hidd, ami való.
Hazugság, amit a lap ír,
Félrebeszél az a papír,
Meredt szemekkel aki súg
Az mind gyalázatos hazug.
Ugatnak, játszanak veled:
Nem lehet az, hogy képzeled!
Nem hiheted, ha van hited
Gazember vagy, ha elhiszed.
Ne hidd el, ne hidd el, ami gaz,
Ordíts az égre: nem igaz!
Szeme közé kacagj neki,
Ki a borzasztót hírdeti.
Hátrálj, zárkózz el, menekülj,
Vigyázz, ne süllyedj, el ne züllj,
Vigyázz, a szenny meg ne egyen,
Ne rothadj itt elevenen.
Hallod, ne hidd, mi rút, mi vad,
Mi undort és gyötrelmet ad,
A fényképed meg a tavasz,
S az Igazság, az az igaz.
Csak ami szép, jó, mindig az,
Mit álmodtál, az az igaz,
Mi nem divat, mi nem haló,
Az, ami örökkévaló.
Csak a kedvesség, az öröm,
A pardon, meg a köszönöm,
A gyöngédség, a figyelem,
Csak az az igaz idelenn.
Csak a segítség, a vigasz,
A barátság, az az igaz,
Csak az a gyémánt-szeretet,
Mi a szívekre veretett.
Beléd döfték a kést: ne hidd,
Kiszaggathatják beleid,
Míg lélegzel s eszmél agyad,
A bűnt tagadd, tagadd, tagadd.
Megmarkolom két válladat,
Szemembe nézz, ne hagyd magad,
Tiszta maradj, maradj szabad,
Ne bukj el, meg ne add magad.
Légy tiszta, hős légy, légy erős,
Holtrészeg légy, légy eszelős,
A Földre felhőkből tekints,
Te légy az isten, hogyha nincs.
Memories...
I could start explaining how come I have not took notes of my thoughts for such a long time, but, I will not...the only reason is, that I was fighting, and got exhausted in the battle...got a lot of wounds, and I think I even lost...of course I may still win the war, moreover, I hope to win it, but after this grief battle, I needed a bit of time to retreat...to spend time with myself, to start looking for additional remunition...This battle was against...memories..
I had a lot of memories...from childhood for example...Mainly the good ones stayed, and not even precise events or actions, but smells, colours, atmospheres...then I had some memories from school...those are the not so pleasant ones, so they have been locked away in a drawer of my brain, that I hardly open...and then...there are the memories of past 3 years...and...they were so sweet, but lately, they turned their back on me, and made my life bitter...I thought we were friends with these memories, but...I see that we became memories..but as Mr. Hudson sings: "sometimes good man do bad things, just ast bad man can do good, tell me which way you like it" these memories were capable of bringing joy, and now sorrow. I thought, I can just be thankful for them, and look at them as things that added to my life, enriched me, which of course they did, but...I'm in the phase now, where if someone asked me the following question: "I'm able to delete all these memories...would you like me to do it?" I'd answer with a YES without hesitation.
I've got a yellow box...it contains "physical memories" from past 3 years..this box is called "White Lies" and on it's side it is written: "Do not touch" but...yesterday I had no other choice, I had to open it..I was eagerly searching for something, and thought I could drop it in there...and I knew it will happen...Pandora's box got opened, all those colours, feelings, minutes, sentences, letters, all the creativity, fear, worry, everything just kept on flying out of it..and I became numb...just sat there...and could not move a finger...did not manage to try to shovel it back...but..then I took strength, and closed it quickly, put it back to its place, and now I am thinking, I'll probably move it to a different room...far away from me...strange...how in the physical world, it is distance that will help me to keep myself away from that box of lies, and in the "soul world" it will be time, that will lock away those cunning little creatures - the memories -that keep on creeping into my heart and mind.
Another really bitter memory for me is connected to a train station in Budapest. Since that memory was born, I was not really able to go near the place...even when I was going there, as my train home leaves from that station, I could not help to feel down...I felt like something got stuck in my throat, I could hardly swallow. I thought...this is really crazy, it's just a train station! surely it should not have such an affect on me...no matter what happened here some time ago...but...I could not tackle my discomfort, when I was near the place. But this morning...I had to go there back again...with my father. He came to visit me last night, and this morning he went back home. I accompanied him to the station, the sun was shining, there were not many people. The train arrived, and we still had half an hour before leaving, so instead of getting on the train, and telling me to go, or expecting me to go...he asked me to join him on the train, so we could talk a bit more. I went up, then 10 minutes before the departure, I said goodbye to him, hugged him and gave him kisses, and left the train. I was standing right in front of his window, so he pulled it down, and we continued talking. The sun was shining fervently, I could hardly see anything, but felt like a nice warm caress on my face...my father smiled, and was in really good spirits. The whistle was blown, and the old train slowly got going. I stood there, waved, and sent kisses. After the train was not seen any more, I felt like a "curse" was broken. I was here, at this place, where not long ago, I said goodbye to someone, whom I knew I will never see again. The sun did not shine, or maybe it did, but in my memories, it was cloudy and grey...there was no window pulled down, no smile, no waving...just sorrow...but this time, I felt like, part of this dark memory was overwritten...by my father, who showed me so much love..when I said goodbye to him, I knew that we shall never be apart, because I am important for him, and he loves me dearly...there can be 260km distance between us, there can be months of not seeing each other...a goodbye to him, is never the end...it is always temporary, just a station along the way....because he knows that his life is only complete with me being in it....so I started to smile, and for the first time, I left the train station happily, giving thanks to God that I was blessed enough to be given the chance to have so many marvelous people in my life. And it gave me hope, that if one memory so dark and sorrowful was finally repainted, to be lighter and more colourful, maybe it is really only a question of time, and slowly all of the bitter memories will put down the weapons, and will give their place to some sweet comrades of theirs.
I had a lot of memories...from childhood for example...Mainly the good ones stayed, and not even precise events or actions, but smells, colours, atmospheres...then I had some memories from school...those are the not so pleasant ones, so they have been locked away in a drawer of my brain, that I hardly open...and then...there are the memories of past 3 years...and...they were so sweet, but lately, they turned their back on me, and made my life bitter...I thought we were friends with these memories, but...I see that we became memories..but as Mr. Hudson sings: "sometimes good man do bad things, just ast bad man can do good, tell me which way you like it" these memories were capable of bringing joy, and now sorrow. I thought, I can just be thankful for them, and look at them as things that added to my life, enriched me, which of course they did, but...I'm in the phase now, where if someone asked me the following question: "I'm able to delete all these memories...would you like me to do it?" I'd answer with a YES without hesitation.
I've got a yellow box...it contains "physical memories" from past 3 years..this box is called "White Lies" and on it's side it is written: "Do not touch" but...yesterday I had no other choice, I had to open it..I was eagerly searching for something, and thought I could drop it in there...and I knew it will happen...Pandora's box got opened, all those colours, feelings, minutes, sentences, letters, all the creativity, fear, worry, everything just kept on flying out of it..and I became numb...just sat there...and could not move a finger...did not manage to try to shovel it back...but..then I took strength, and closed it quickly, put it back to its place, and now I am thinking, I'll probably move it to a different room...far away from me...strange...how in the physical world, it is distance that will help me to keep myself away from that box of lies, and in the "soul world" it will be time, that will lock away those cunning little creatures - the memories -that keep on creeping into my heart and mind.
Another really bitter memory for me is connected to a train station in Budapest. Since that memory was born, I was not really able to go near the place...even when I was going there, as my train home leaves from that station, I could not help to feel down...I felt like something got stuck in my throat, I could hardly swallow. I thought...this is really crazy, it's just a train station! surely it should not have such an affect on me...no matter what happened here some time ago...but...I could not tackle my discomfort, when I was near the place. But this morning...I had to go there back again...with my father. He came to visit me last night, and this morning he went back home. I accompanied him to the station, the sun was shining, there were not many people. The train arrived, and we still had half an hour before leaving, so instead of getting on the train, and telling me to go, or expecting me to go...he asked me to join him on the train, so we could talk a bit more. I went up, then 10 minutes before the departure, I said goodbye to him, hugged him and gave him kisses, and left the train. I was standing right in front of his window, so he pulled it down, and we continued talking. The sun was shining fervently, I could hardly see anything, but felt like a nice warm caress on my face...my father smiled, and was in really good spirits. The whistle was blown, and the old train slowly got going. I stood there, waved, and sent kisses. After the train was not seen any more, I felt like a "curse" was broken. I was here, at this place, where not long ago, I said goodbye to someone, whom I knew I will never see again. The sun did not shine, or maybe it did, but in my memories, it was cloudy and grey...there was no window pulled down, no smile, no waving...just sorrow...but this time, I felt like, part of this dark memory was overwritten...by my father, who showed me so much love..when I said goodbye to him, I knew that we shall never be apart, because I am important for him, and he loves me dearly...there can be 260km distance between us, there can be months of not seeing each other...a goodbye to him, is never the end...it is always temporary, just a station along the way....because he knows that his life is only complete with me being in it....so I started to smile, and for the first time, I left the train station happily, giving thanks to God that I was blessed enough to be given the chance to have so many marvelous people in my life. And it gave me hope, that if one memory so dark and sorrowful was finally repainted, to be lighter and more colourful, maybe it is really only a question of time, and slowly all of the bitter memories will put down the weapons, and will give their place to some sweet comrades of theirs.
Monday, 7 March 2011
Intimacy with ourselves
This morning my thoughts were whirling around intimacy, what it means to be intimate in a relationship, with family and friends. I think it's primary condition is to be intimate with ourselves. I realized, it is not easy to do. Why? Because if we are intimate with ourselves, it means that we are ready to accept that we might not turn out to be whom we thought we are. The journey to ourselves is always tiresome, frightening one, with lots of dangers along the road, and the deeper we get, the greater our intention is to let it be, and flee. The deeper we go, the darker the night gets, the strange noises reproduce, the more insecure we become.
But if we are not intimate with ourselves, how can we be intimate with others? Maybe our lack of being intimate with ourselves triggers our desire to gain this intimacy in a relationship for example. I think I also committed this mistake, and I think a person I knew also did. The proof for this was the following sentence: "I never thought I could behave like this." In my opinion the root of the problem, is that we have an urge to get to know ourselves, but at the same time we are much afraid, of what we might find in the depths. We might think of ourselves, that we are kind and loyal for example, but then comes a situation, and we behave in a way, that shows us that we are not kind or loyal at all. Then we stand there confused, not understanding what is happening, and try to give an explanation, try to shift responsibility, try to blame it on the circumstances or fate. Often the lack of intimacy with ourselves makes us create a picture of ourselves, what we think we can be faithful to or identify with. Then we stick to this image, and use a whole lot of energy to preserve this picture. Even in relationships, we do not dare to be who we are, because we are afraid, that the picture we implanted into the mind of the other one about ourselves, might get distorted and then the other one will not love us, as it will turn out that we are not, whom we made him/her believe who we are. So we use an immense amount of energy to stick to this "picture". But it cannot be maintained, once comes a situation when things/faces/sides which we did not even suspect that they are in us, will come to the surface, and then the question is, whether we, ourselves and the other is able to cope with it.
Of course it takes a lifetime to get to know ourselves, to get to know the other one a bit. The key thing, as I see here is to be able to stay open, to be ready for changes, as we as an individual always change, and us (as part of a relationship), as partners, friends change as well. We cannot stick to an imaginary framework, to a made up character. The more intimate we are with ourselves, with our soul, the more we know each other, the more prepared we are for the unexpected. We look into ourselves, and might think that we are nice, but we do not throw away the recognition, that there is rudeness is us too, as we are human, and there can be times when it comes to the surface. It is always a tough fight when we see our idols tumble down, but it gives us a more realistic overview of how many feelings, things, traits are in us. Then if we manage to accept this, we will not enclose our loved ones in a framework of our expectations and visions of how they should be, but we let them be who they are, and we love them for whom they are, without the urge of wanting to change them. And if a situation comes when they behave in a way that surprises not only us, but themselves too, we shall have the courage and openness to handle the situation and get over it together, instead of bombarding the other one with critiques, attacking words such as "I never thought you could do something so awful etc." We then are aware, that we live in a wheel of constant change and development, and anything can happen, but if the other one is truly important for us, and there is intimacy we should be capable of understanding these changes, and encourage each other to go further on the road of self-knowledge, though it might seem scarry. If not, the other one might be so scared of what he/she explored, that he/she might rush back to the surface, where the water is shallow, and secure looking, but then the intimacy with ourselves is not found and it is hardly probably, that we will be able to find intimacy with others, when we do not even manage to fight for it in ourselves. Intimacy is not a prize easily won, it takes the braveness of a hero, to plunge into the deep forest road on a moonless night.
But if we are not intimate with ourselves, how can we be intimate with others? Maybe our lack of being intimate with ourselves triggers our desire to gain this intimacy in a relationship for example. I think I also committed this mistake, and I think a person I knew also did. The proof for this was the following sentence: "I never thought I could behave like this." In my opinion the root of the problem, is that we have an urge to get to know ourselves, but at the same time we are much afraid, of what we might find in the depths. We might think of ourselves, that we are kind and loyal for example, but then comes a situation, and we behave in a way, that shows us that we are not kind or loyal at all. Then we stand there confused, not understanding what is happening, and try to give an explanation, try to shift responsibility, try to blame it on the circumstances or fate. Often the lack of intimacy with ourselves makes us create a picture of ourselves, what we think we can be faithful to or identify with. Then we stick to this image, and use a whole lot of energy to preserve this picture. Even in relationships, we do not dare to be who we are, because we are afraid, that the picture we implanted into the mind of the other one about ourselves, might get distorted and then the other one will not love us, as it will turn out that we are not, whom we made him/her believe who we are. So we use an immense amount of energy to stick to this "picture". But it cannot be maintained, once comes a situation when things/faces/sides which we did not even suspect that they are in us, will come to the surface, and then the question is, whether we, ourselves and the other is able to cope with it.
Of course it takes a lifetime to get to know ourselves, to get to know the other one a bit. The key thing, as I see here is to be able to stay open, to be ready for changes, as we as an individual always change, and us (as part of a relationship), as partners, friends change as well. We cannot stick to an imaginary framework, to a made up character. The more intimate we are with ourselves, with our soul, the more we know each other, the more prepared we are for the unexpected. We look into ourselves, and might think that we are nice, but we do not throw away the recognition, that there is rudeness is us too, as we are human, and there can be times when it comes to the surface. It is always a tough fight when we see our idols tumble down, but it gives us a more realistic overview of how many feelings, things, traits are in us. Then if we manage to accept this, we will not enclose our loved ones in a framework of our expectations and visions of how they should be, but we let them be who they are, and we love them for whom they are, without the urge of wanting to change them. And if a situation comes when they behave in a way that surprises not only us, but themselves too, we shall have the courage and openness to handle the situation and get over it together, instead of bombarding the other one with critiques, attacking words such as "I never thought you could do something so awful etc." We then are aware, that we live in a wheel of constant change and development, and anything can happen, but if the other one is truly important for us, and there is intimacy we should be capable of understanding these changes, and encourage each other to go further on the road of self-knowledge, though it might seem scarry. If not, the other one might be so scared of what he/she explored, that he/she might rush back to the surface, where the water is shallow, and secure looking, but then the intimacy with ourselves is not found and it is hardly probably, that we will be able to find intimacy with others, when we do not even manage to fight for it in ourselves. Intimacy is not a prize easily won, it takes the braveness of a hero, to plunge into the deep forest road on a moonless night.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
a good day...
My first, really free weekend...wow...I started it hard, to be honest...I had a russian exam on Friday, and passed it with flying colours :) so I was even given a gift at the end of class! My teacher calculated some things, based on my birth date, and told me that this year shall work out nicely for me, my colour will be blue :) and my precious stone will be turqoise - these things shall help me to gain even more energy. It was really so cute of her, I am so happy we met, that we can study together and that we also became friends, she has a lot of wisdom, and I love to learn from her.
After russian class we..me and a friend of mine decided to jump in somewhere, have a light drink and go home..mmm...this one drink turned out to be a bit more, we were at several places, and the night was so perfect (new moon and everything) that I think I even discussed with one of the barmen that we share a very similar fate lately...I'm sure he was also very pleased with this recognition of mine :) then besides the drinks we had a gyros at 1 am, and I walked home...got to bed by 2ish and slept deep.
The next morning, with my friend and her boyfriend we traveled to Nagykovacsi, there we parked the car and walked up to the top of a hill. The weather was just great! The sun was shining, the sky was unbelievably blue, it was slightly windy but I felt like I could fly, once we were standing up there on the top..it felt so free, to be away from the noise of the city, looking around, spotting villages and faraway towers...looking at other people coming up there with kids and dogs, enjoying the soothing touch of nature...it lifted my spirits, and filled me with energy. Then my friends had to go to a birthday party and I directed myself towards the Margit Island. There I walked some, marveled at the river and ate a...hmmm...I wonder what it is called in English..this thing made from candy..it is kinda blown up and sticky...it is vattacukor in hungarian :)
For the evening Zee came over and she even slept in my flat. We talked till 2 am, and I was so very pleased to have her here, we talked a lot, yet still didn't manage to "empty out" all topic bags :)
And then came the morning...we woke up, Zee went to take a shower, and I decided to prepare some breakfast for us. I must admit, lately I did not pay much attention to breakfast, or lunch...or well...eating in general..I was so..lazy..not caring, that I just jumped somewhere and bought some fast food. But today, I took an effort and prepared a delicious breakfast, and coffee..I...I can hardly tell how much I enjoyed putting it together..knowing that my intention is to make someone happy with this breakfast...I wanted to care for her, and make her happy and was preparing the food, the toast, the cheese, washing the tomatoes with so much joy, that I even surprised myself....Then we were sitting in the room, and slowly, calmly, while chatting had our abundant breakfast...when she left..I started to think...how could I be such a fool, that I forgot how marvelous it is to prepare food for someone you love or care for? Then...I was thinking...so how come lately I did not put enough energy and time to pay attention to what I eat and how it is made? I guess it was a sign, that I was neglecting myself...I was too much busy with other thoughts, and trying to find happiness, though it was there right in front of me...it could have been so easy, it can be there in a Tatranska bryndza, which is so delicious! or in a slowly sipped coffee... I decided I need to change my attitude..I cannot "poison" myself any more with hurriedly taken lunch, missed breakfast, and fast food supper...nope...I shall give my body what she deserves.
After relaxing a bit, I went to church, to the Bazilika, I enjoyed the sermon, the priest was talking about solid foundation. He narrowed it down to morals and faith, he mentioned how these times liberalism wins it all, and conservatism is looked upon as something negative, though in its good meaning conservatism tries to conserve the values and traditions, that have been nurtured throughout centuries. He sadly admitted that lately even marrieages lack the solid foundation, and that is also why they do not last...I told God there that I hope to build on solid stone...not only with regards to partnership, but in every aspects of my life...I know it will not be easy, it takes time and much!!!! patience, but the hard work always has its price...even treasurehunting is very difficult...time to time you need to jump into the cold sea...you need to be able to bear its bites, but if you endure, if you are brave enough and sure of what you want, if you know that that treasure hidden in the sand in the bottom of the sea will show you the beauty of life and this way give you joy, then it is worth the sacrifice.
After church I walked home, a very cold wind was blowing, but strangely, I did not feel it freezing...I felt like I can identify with this coldness...I could not understand why, but I started to think..and I realized that it is because last week I locked away my heart a bit...I felt...I felt it will be easier for me if I will put her in an ice cube...and lock it away...this way I will be immune to emotional stimulus...the thing is that emotions influence me a great deal, in one minute they can fly me to the stars, in another they can push me to the ditch...I thought....I will control them (again...why do I must control everything?) by getting rid of them...so I took my heart, my wounded little heart and froze her down...I visualized it so...(its a bit fairy tale like) as if I was wearing a white dress in a great big ice castle, where all the furniture is made of ice, the bed has white fur on it, crystal and silver lamps are hanging from the ceiling..and there I live, surrounded by ice, silver and the moon...and I take this beating, hot little creatue, this red heart - it just does not fit into the environmet where everyting is white, and silver - and put it into an ice cube, and carry it into the northern tower, put it on the table, under the roof, which is made of glass, so that during the night the north star could shine on her...and I leave her there...I do not need her...I can be stoned, emotionfree, in a way protected against everything that can hurt me... so...that is why the cold wind was not so cold for me, because I was already frozen inside...
But I arrived home and I was hungry, so I threw my bag down and started to get ready for supper. I took so much time preparing it as if I was a noble lady from earlier times, who needs to have a great selection of food on her table. I cooked some eggs, I took the bryndza, the feta cheese, the salami out of the fridge, I made some toast, cut the tomatoes, warmed up the water for the tea and when everything was done, I put everything on the plate, sat down comfortably, lit some candles, and plunged into the world of tastes. Oh my goodness...it was magical...I was not rushing, I closed my eyes, while let the cheese dissolve in my mouth and I could feel the tiny cells of my body rejoicing...they were jumping up and down, because finally I was not eating to chase away the feeling of hunger, but I was eating for the joy of eating...I could feel how the energy accumulated in the bryndza is flowing into my body, I saw a whole spectrum of colours and I felt content. Also it was nice to play with the thought, that once, I will be making my own bryndza, and hopefully there will be my loved ones around me and I will be able to serve them happily, and if we will be sitting by the table, and they will get as much joy out of that bryndza as I did from this one, I will be very very pleased.
While eating, I was listening to the following song: Loreena McKennitt: As I Roved Out
I can only encour youage, to try it once, forget everything, concentrate only on your supper, and how incredibly delicious it looks, do not forget to prepare everything nicely, pay attention to the details, use nice silverware, napkin, and place the food so that it would be a nice composition for the eye...then play this song and start eating :) maybe you'll have a similar adventure as I had.
As a conclusion of today, a good day I must tell, I learned that I find joy in serving others, in caring for others, and that from now on I will not rush when it will come to fulfilling my stomach. I will take my time and let my body draw the necesarry energy from the food I suprise her with.
After russian class we..me and a friend of mine decided to jump in somewhere, have a light drink and go home..mmm...this one drink turned out to be a bit more, we were at several places, and the night was so perfect (new moon and everything) that I think I even discussed with one of the barmen that we share a very similar fate lately...I'm sure he was also very pleased with this recognition of mine :) then besides the drinks we had a gyros at 1 am, and I walked home...got to bed by 2ish and slept deep.
The next morning, with my friend and her boyfriend we traveled to Nagykovacsi, there we parked the car and walked up to the top of a hill. The weather was just great! The sun was shining, the sky was unbelievably blue, it was slightly windy but I felt like I could fly, once we were standing up there on the top..it felt so free, to be away from the noise of the city, looking around, spotting villages and faraway towers...looking at other people coming up there with kids and dogs, enjoying the soothing touch of nature...it lifted my spirits, and filled me with energy. Then my friends had to go to a birthday party and I directed myself towards the Margit Island. There I walked some, marveled at the river and ate a...hmmm...I wonder what it is called in English..this thing made from candy..it is kinda blown up and sticky...it is vattacukor in hungarian :)
For the evening Zee came over and she even slept in my flat. We talked till 2 am, and I was so very pleased to have her here, we talked a lot, yet still didn't manage to "empty out" all topic bags :)
And then came the morning...we woke up, Zee went to take a shower, and I decided to prepare some breakfast for us. I must admit, lately I did not pay much attention to breakfast, or lunch...or well...eating in general..I was so..lazy..not caring, that I just jumped somewhere and bought some fast food. But today, I took an effort and prepared a delicious breakfast, and coffee..I...I can hardly tell how much I enjoyed putting it together..knowing that my intention is to make someone happy with this breakfast...I wanted to care for her, and make her happy and was preparing the food, the toast, the cheese, washing the tomatoes with so much joy, that I even surprised myself....Then we were sitting in the room, and slowly, calmly, while chatting had our abundant breakfast...when she left..I started to think...how could I be such a fool, that I forgot how marvelous it is to prepare food for someone you love or care for? Then...I was thinking...so how come lately I did not put enough energy and time to pay attention to what I eat and how it is made? I guess it was a sign, that I was neglecting myself...I was too much busy with other thoughts, and trying to find happiness, though it was there right in front of me...it could have been so easy, it can be there in a Tatranska bryndza, which is so delicious! or in a slowly sipped coffee... I decided I need to change my attitude..I cannot "poison" myself any more with hurriedly taken lunch, missed breakfast, and fast food supper...nope...I shall give my body what she deserves.
After relaxing a bit, I went to church, to the Bazilika, I enjoyed the sermon, the priest was talking about solid foundation. He narrowed it down to morals and faith, he mentioned how these times liberalism wins it all, and conservatism is looked upon as something negative, though in its good meaning conservatism tries to conserve the values and traditions, that have been nurtured throughout centuries. He sadly admitted that lately even marrieages lack the solid foundation, and that is also why they do not last...I told God there that I hope to build on solid stone...not only with regards to partnership, but in every aspects of my life...I know it will not be easy, it takes time and much!!!! patience, but the hard work always has its price...even treasurehunting is very difficult...time to time you need to jump into the cold sea...you need to be able to bear its bites, but if you endure, if you are brave enough and sure of what you want, if you know that that treasure hidden in the sand in the bottom of the sea will show you the beauty of life and this way give you joy, then it is worth the sacrifice.
After church I walked home, a very cold wind was blowing, but strangely, I did not feel it freezing...I felt like I can identify with this coldness...I could not understand why, but I started to think..and I realized that it is because last week I locked away my heart a bit...I felt...I felt it will be easier for me if I will put her in an ice cube...and lock it away...this way I will be immune to emotional stimulus...the thing is that emotions influence me a great deal, in one minute they can fly me to the stars, in another they can push me to the ditch...I thought....I will control them (again...why do I must control everything?) by getting rid of them...so I took my heart, my wounded little heart and froze her down...I visualized it so...(its a bit fairy tale like) as if I was wearing a white dress in a great big ice castle, where all the furniture is made of ice, the bed has white fur on it, crystal and silver lamps are hanging from the ceiling..and there I live, surrounded by ice, silver and the moon...and I take this beating, hot little creatue, this red heart - it just does not fit into the environmet where everyting is white, and silver - and put it into an ice cube, and carry it into the northern tower, put it on the table, under the roof, which is made of glass, so that during the night the north star could shine on her...and I leave her there...I do not need her...I can be stoned, emotionfree, in a way protected against everything that can hurt me... so...that is why the cold wind was not so cold for me, because I was already frozen inside...
But I arrived home and I was hungry, so I threw my bag down and started to get ready for supper. I took so much time preparing it as if I was a noble lady from earlier times, who needs to have a great selection of food on her table. I cooked some eggs, I took the bryndza, the feta cheese, the salami out of the fridge, I made some toast, cut the tomatoes, warmed up the water for the tea and when everything was done, I put everything on the plate, sat down comfortably, lit some candles, and plunged into the world of tastes. Oh my goodness...it was magical...I was not rushing, I closed my eyes, while let the cheese dissolve in my mouth and I could feel the tiny cells of my body rejoicing...they were jumping up and down, because finally I was not eating to chase away the feeling of hunger, but I was eating for the joy of eating...I could feel how the energy accumulated in the bryndza is flowing into my body, I saw a whole spectrum of colours and I felt content. Also it was nice to play with the thought, that once, I will be making my own bryndza, and hopefully there will be my loved ones around me and I will be able to serve them happily, and if we will be sitting by the table, and they will get as much joy out of that bryndza as I did from this one, I will be very very pleased.
While eating, I was listening to the following song: Loreena McKennitt: As I Roved Out
I can only encour youage, to try it once, forget everything, concentrate only on your supper, and how incredibly delicious it looks, do not forget to prepare everything nicely, pay attention to the details, use nice silverware, napkin, and place the food so that it would be a nice composition for the eye...then play this song and start eating :) maybe you'll have a similar adventure as I had.
As a conclusion of today, a good day I must tell, I learned that I find joy in serving others, in caring for others, and that from now on I will not rush when it will come to fulfilling my stomach. I will take my time and let my body draw the necesarry energy from the food I suprise her with.
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