I could start explaining how come I have not took notes of my thoughts for such a long time, but, I will not...the only reason is, that I was fighting, and got exhausted in the battle...got a lot of wounds, and I think I even lost...of course I may still win the war, moreover, I hope to win it, but after this grief battle, I needed a bit of time to retreat...to spend time with myself, to start looking for additional remunition...This battle was against...memories..
I had a lot of memories...from childhood for example...Mainly the good ones stayed, and not even precise events or actions, but smells, colours, atmospheres...then I had some memories from school...those are the not so pleasant ones, so they have been locked away in a drawer of my brain, that I hardly open...and then...there are the memories of past 3 years...and...they were so sweet, but lately, they turned their back on me, and made my life bitter...I thought we were friends with these memories, but...I see that we became memories..but as Mr. Hudson sings: "sometimes good man do bad things, just ast bad man can do good, tell me which way you like it" these memories were capable of bringing joy, and now sorrow. I thought, I can just be thankful for them, and look at them as things that added to my life, enriched me, which of course they did, but...I'm in the phase now, where if someone asked me the following question: "I'm able to delete all these memories...would you like me to do it?" I'd answer with a YES without hesitation.
I've got a yellow box...it contains "physical memories" from past 3 years..this box is called "White Lies" and on it's side it is written: "Do not touch" but...yesterday I had no other choice, I had to open it..I was eagerly searching for something, and thought I could drop it in there...and I knew it will happen...Pandora's box got opened, all those colours, feelings, minutes, sentences, letters, all the creativity, fear, worry, everything just kept on flying out of it..and I became numb...just sat there...and could not move a finger...did not manage to try to shovel it back...but..then I took strength, and closed it quickly, put it back to its place, and now I am thinking, I'll probably move it to a different room...far away from me...strange...how in the physical world, it is distance that will help me to keep myself away from that box of lies, and in the "soul world" it will be time, that will lock away those cunning little creatures - the memories -that keep on creeping into my heart and mind.
Another really bitter memory for me is connected to a train station in Budapest. Since that memory was born, I was not really able to go near the place...even when I was going there, as my train home leaves from that station, I could not help to feel down...I felt like something got stuck in my throat, I could hardly swallow. I thought...this is really crazy, it's just a train station! surely it should not have such an affect on me...no matter what happened here some time ago...but...I could not tackle my discomfort, when I was near the place. But this morning...I had to go there back again...with my father. He came to visit me last night, and this morning he went back home. I accompanied him to the station, the sun was shining, there were not many people. The train arrived, and we still had half an hour before leaving, so instead of getting on the train, and telling me to go, or expecting me to go...he asked me to join him on the train, so we could talk a bit more. I went up, then 10 minutes before the departure, I said goodbye to him, hugged him and gave him kisses, and left the train. I was standing right in front of his window, so he pulled it down, and we continued talking. The sun was shining fervently, I could hardly see anything, but felt like a nice warm caress on my face...my father smiled, and was in really good spirits. The whistle was blown, and the old train slowly got going. I stood there, waved, and sent kisses. After the train was not seen any more, I felt like a "curse" was broken. I was here, at this place, where not long ago, I said goodbye to someone, whom I knew I will never see again. The sun did not shine, or maybe it did, but in my memories, it was cloudy and grey...there was no window pulled down, no smile, no waving...just sorrow...but this time, I felt like, part of this dark memory was overwritten...by my father, who showed me so much love..when I said goodbye to him, I knew that we shall never be apart, because I am important for him, and he loves me dearly...there can be 260km distance between us, there can be months of not seeing each other...a goodbye to him, is never the end...it is always temporary, just a station along the way....because he knows that his life is only complete with me being in it....so I started to smile, and for the first time, I left the train station happily, giving thanks to God that I was blessed enough to be given the chance to have so many marvelous people in my life. And it gave me hope, that if one memory so dark and sorrowful was finally repainted, to be lighter and more colourful, maybe it is really only a question of time, and slowly all of the bitter memories will put down the weapons, and will give their place to some sweet comrades of theirs.
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