Memories 2

This morning, after my previous note, I went to make a coffee for myself. I sat down, looked at the sun shining outside...and then, for some reason, my eyes wandered to my bookshelf.  There I spotted a notebook, that I once received from my friends.  I took it and opened it...not sure if it was fate, or God's hand, but it opened up, where there was a note from 05.03.2006.  I thought, it is worth to share it here...

"Last night we arrived back to the dorm at around midnight.  We were not so sleepy, so decided to sit around for a while, on the comfortable couches of the hallway.  We talked till 4 AM.  We talked about the following things: Is it possible to have friendship between men and women - the eternal question...poor P, it is even painful to look at him, because he gets so sad when it comes to the topic of love, his heart is still aching... (his girlfriend broke up with him, before he came to St. Petersburg)  But G is completely his opposite.  Very cheerful, his attitude is so positive, I can learn a lot from him.  He has great thoughts.  We talked also about love...what is love? How do we behave at the beginning of the relationship, and what changes towards the end (P's special topic) and whether we can be brave enough to show our feelings completely?  The conclusion was, that in the beginning, even if we tried to give ourselves to the other one completely, we would not be able...in the beginning not, but gradually...we get to know each other, and we can decide if we really are made for each other.  The essence/most important thing is mutuality, and to show what we feel for the other, instead of "playing the games" and hide the true feelings. Then what is the meaning of life? How can we live so, that once we look back, we would not feel ashamed?  After this night talk, I thought a lot in my bed, and concluded the following: The "meaning" of life, is to do good, to help others find joy, and while doing so, we also start feeling better, more in harmony with ourselves.  Paralelly, we need to strenghten (open?) the ties with God, trust Him, and love Him. Not an easy task, though the formula is simple.  There is too much temptation, and to outshine the the world's greyness is difficult, but it is worth the try.  On a completely grey sheet, a red dot is easily recognized, it stands out, it draws the attention...so that is our task, to be red dots on the grey sheet, and if there are more and more red/yellow/purple dots at the end, the grey sheet will turn a marvelous painting...."

It was strange to read these lines..strange to read about someone, being in a similar situation at the time, strange to hear my thoughts echoing back to me...strange to feel the power and optimism radiating from my words..I sat there for a while, above my coffee, and marveled at how many things changed since then, how much I opened up since then, and how I closed the shells tightly...how even after 5 years, the same questions apply, thought I can add a bit more flavour to the answers....Future is unforeseen, and it is good this way, I'd never want to know what is going to happen next...I leave it all to God/Fate, call it what you'd like...through things happening, the world forming, feelings coming and going I learn more about life...day by day...

A poem, that I added to my note on that day in March, 2006

Szép Ernő: Ne hidd

Ne hidd, ne hidd, ami igaz

Ami kegyetlen, ami gaz

Mi ocsmány és alávaló

Ne hidd, ne hidd, ami való.

 

Hazugság, amit a lap ír,

Félrebeszél az a papír,

Meredt szemekkel aki súg

Az mind gyalázatos hazug.

 

Ugatnak, játszanak veled:

Nem lehet az, hogy képzeled!

Nem hiheted, ha van hited

Gazember vagy, ha elhiszed.

 

Ne hidd el, ne hidd el, ami gaz,

Ordíts az égre: nem igaz!

Szeme közé kacagj neki,

Ki a borzasztót hírdeti.

 

Hátrálj, zárkózz el, menekülj,

Vigyázz, ne süllyedj, el ne züllj,

Vigyázz, a szenny meg ne egyen,

Ne rothadj itt elevenen.

 

Hallod, ne hidd, mi rút, mi vad,

Mi undort és gyötrelmet ad,

A fényképed meg a tavasz,

S az Igazság, az az igaz.

 

Csak ami szép, jó, mindig az,

Mit álmodtál, az az igaz,

Mi nem divat, mi nem haló,

Az, ami örökkévaló.

 

Csak a kedvesség, az öröm,

A pardon, meg a köszönöm,

A gyöngédség, a figyelem,

Csak az az igaz idelenn.

 

Csak a segítség, a vigasz,

A barátság, az az igaz,

Csak az a gyémánt-szeretet,

Mi a szívekre veretett.

 

Beléd döfték a kést: ne hidd,

Kiszaggathatják beleid,

Míg lélegzel s eszmél agyad,

A bűnt tagadd, tagadd, tagadd.

 

Megmarkolom két válladat,

Szemembe nézz, ne hagyd magad,

Tiszta maradj, maradj szabad,

Ne bukj el, meg ne add magad.

 

Légy tiszta, hős légy, légy erős,

Holtrészeg légy, légy eszelős,

A Földre felhőkből tekints,

Te légy az isten, hogyha nincs.