Intimacy with ourselves

This morning my thoughts were whirling around intimacy, what it means to be intimate in a relationship, with family and friends.  I think it's primary condition is to be intimate with ourselves.  I realized, it is not easy to do.  Why?  Because if we are intimate with ourselves, it means that we are ready to accept that we might not turn out to be whom we thought we are.  The journey to ourselves is always tiresome, frightening one, with lots of dangers along the road, and the deeper we get, the greater our intention is to let it be, and flee.  The deeper we go, the darker the night gets, the strange noises reproduce, the more insecure we become.

But if we are not intimate with ourselves, how can we be intimate with others? Maybe our lack of being intimate with ourselves triggers our desire to gain this intimacy in a relationship for example.  I think I also committed this mistake, and I think a person I knew also did.  The proof for this was the following sentence: "I never thought I could behave like this."  In my opinion the root of the problem, is that we have an urge to get to know ourselves, but at the same time we are much afraid, of what we might find in the depths.  We might think of ourselves, that we are kind and loyal for example, but then comes a situation, and we behave in a way, that shows us that we are not kind or loyal at all.  Then we stand there confused, not understanding what is happening, and try to give an explanation, try to shift responsibility, try to blame it on the circumstances or fate.  Often the lack of intimacy with ourselves makes us create a picture of ourselves, what we think we can be faithful to or identify with.  Then we stick to this image, and use a whole lot of energy to preserve this picture.  Even in relationships, we do not dare to be who we are, because we are afraid, that the picture we implanted into the mind of the other one about ourselves, might get distorted and then the other one will not love us, as it will turn out that we are not, whom we made him/her believe who we are.  So we use an immense amount of energy to stick to this "picture".  But it cannot be maintained, once comes a situation when things/faces/sides which we did not even suspect that they are in us, will come to the surface, and then the question is, whether we, ourselves and the other is able to cope with it. 

Of course it takes a lifetime to get to know ourselves, to get to know the other one a bit.  The key thing, as I see here is to be able to stay open, to be ready for changes, as we as an individual always change, and us (as part of a relationship), as partners, friends change as well.  We cannot stick to an imaginary framework, to a made up character.  The more intimate we are with ourselves, with our soul, the more we know each other, the more prepared we are for the unexpected.  We look into ourselves, and might think that we are nice, but we do not throw away the recognition, that there is rudeness is us too, as we are human, and there can be times when it comes to the surface.  It is always a tough fight when we see our idols tumble down, but it gives us a more realistic overview of how many feelings, things, traits are in us.  Then if we manage to accept this, we will not enclose our loved ones in a framework of our expectations and visions of how they should be, but we let them be who they are, and we love them for whom they are, without the urge of wanting to change them.  And if a situation comes when they behave in a way that surprises not only us, but themselves too, we shall have the courage and openness to handle the situation and get over it together, instead of bombarding the other one with critiques, attacking words such as "I never thought you could do something so awful etc."  We then are aware, that we live in a wheel of constant change and development, and anything can happen, but if the other one is truly important for us, and there is intimacy we should be capable of understanding these changes, and encourage each other to go further on the road of self-knowledge, though it might seem scarry.  If not, the other one might be so scared of what he/she explored, that he/she might  rush back to the surface, where the water is shallow, and secure looking, but then the intimacy with ourselves is not found and it is hardly probably, that we will be able to find intimacy with others, when we do not even manage to fight for it in ourselves.  Intimacy is not a prize easily won, it takes the braveness of a hero, to plunge into the deep forest road on a moonless night.