Rituals are essential..even if...they are connected to memories...time...places, moods, feelings... mingled with sorrow as much as with joy...
Transylvania is calling for me, and tonight I'll answer the call... I go to welcome the autumn, and fulfil my heart...
Friday, 30 September 2011
Sunday, 25 September 2011
The quest
Ouuu..sooo many things in my head..hard to figure out where to start! But...as it is Sunday evening now, and many ot things on my mind are the results of the weekend, I'll start dropping a few words about how it passed.
On Friday, I went home again...pretty stange in itself, as I was at home last weekend too, but..they said that the weather will be nice, and I wished to use this last opportunity to take a dip in the river. On the way home I met my friend Zs. and from Fuzesabony, we were traveling together, sharing news. By the time I got home, the air cooled down, the sky became populated with millions of stars, and I inhaled the sweet smell of home upon getting off of the train. My brother took me home, I had lecso for supper and was about to get to bed. I walked into my room, turned on the light...and...what did I see? Well...someone was sitting on my bed..it was not the bear I always slept with at home (a bear I got from M. a long time ago)..nope..it was an old, yet unknow bear. He was sitting on my pillow, and little letter was attached to him. The letter said: "Dearest Dioka..you might not know me yet, my name is Moric. I am going to be your new friend, who will guard your dreams, to whom you can cuddle during the night. I was waiting for you, and now I am very happy that you are at home..as I was waiting for a loooong time for you...and just wanted you to know, that...there is always someone who rejoices when you arrive." I sat down, looked at the bear...hugged him, and...my heart was overflown with happiness. After 5 minutes of giving myself to the this precious feeling, I walked over to my mom's room, and hugged her. I told her thank you, and laughed...with a joyous laugh that was coming from the depth of my heart. This was a form of love...a manifestation of someone caring about me...which..I started to forget. I was getting so much used to not receiving any surprises...not getting messages, not being called on the phone...like that, that it almost brought tears to my ears. A year ago, these kind of surprises were often...I was getting little packages, letters I did not expect, small gifts, videos, songs via emails...and...soon they became "regular" for me...what a fool I was! I got used to them, as if I was entitled to those...a year had to pass without any surprises like that, so that finally when one appeared I'd appreciate it as I should have done with all of them....Man truly learns what something is worth, when she looses it..but thank God it does not mean that thing is lost forever...if we really learnt the lesson, and we are ready for taking them and respecting them as we should, they come back.
After the night with Gyuszi, the next morning contained another surprise. My sister and her family came to visit. They never announced it, so we were not prepared, yet, were very happy they turned up! My sister and her husband were talking with mom and dad, and I was left with the 2 little devils, my godchildren, Jona and Kami. We played for hours, ran around in the courtyard, wrestled, laughed and had fun. For a couple hours I became a child again, and it felt so great to be free of all worries, and thoughts. They did not want to it, only if I decided to eat as well. It happened after we finished the lunch (we ate on the terrace, while the "adults" ate inside) that Kami asked me a question. She asked: "How come that lately you don't bring Misi with yourself to Olaszliszka?" A sudden lightning struck me, and though I heard what she said, I did not want to understand it. (In the meantime the talking inside, and the clutching of silvervare died out -everyone was listening attentively.) I asked Kami again to repeat what she asked. So she asked the question again, and added: "you know Misi, your boy" I told her, that he is not my boy any more. So she went on: "But why? He loves you, no?" So I told her, nope Kami he does not love me any more. Still it was not enough for her...I felt my face freezing, and if she was an adult I would have told her to stop, but she is a very precious girl I love so I needed all my strength to stay calm and answer her. She said: "Well...anyway then..he will not find another love for himself" I could not say much to that, just silently commented, that he has already found one. For a while everything fell silent, and I needed to chase them around the table, as if I was the monster ready to eat them, to be able to push away the thick air that fell on the table, the terrace and even the kitchen inside. My sister was marveling at what Kami said, as she never ever mentioned anything about me, or M and now...out of the blue, she asked the question. Strange, you'd think the kids are not aware of what's going on, while they are more aware than anyone else! I only decided to write that down, because ...just a couple days ago, someone felt awkward about a dream..and now...in my case...it was not a dream, but reality, and ...truly I felt awkward too.
In the afternoon I went to the river with my dog, and my brother. The water was cold, lately the temperature drops to 3 degrees during the night. My brother reassured me, that I am not completely normal, and to empasize that, he did not even come to the river. Even the dog had to be persuaded for a long time. The sun was shining, but the wind was cool..yet, the crystal clear water, and the chance of swimming drew me into its frosty world. I swam for about an hour, got refreshed, my muscles had been worked, and I headed home, with a content smile on my face. In the evening we took a walk and it was not yet 10 pm, when I was already in bed :)
The Sunday passed as usual, some oversleeping, delicious lunch, packing, and catching the train back. On the train this time though there was an old couple. I sat down next to them, as the shouting and screaming of the teenagers in the carriage frightened me away. The couple was so sweet, so harmonious, so peaceful, I can hardly tell. They were not the tipical village people, nope. You could tell, that once they have been traveling a lot, they knew other cultures, languages, they were intelligent, and a certain air of elegance hovered around them. The old lady was not full of sorrow, or lamentation over a hurting leg...she was dressed sportily, but the colourful sweater that resembled a kind of patchwork showed a bit of boheme like nature. Her eyes were gleaming and blue. As I looked into her eyes, I did not see an old lady, but a reckless girl, who is ready for any adventure, any time...those were the eyes of someone, who did not regret anything...who lived a complete life, and would not change a thing, even if she had the chance to. The power of peace and satisfaction "that everything is in order" radiated from her. It felt good to look at her! I thought...this is the kind of old lady, I'd like to become one day! The old man was curious, he could not stand to ask me :) He wanted to know if I go to school, where I travel etc. Just before they were about the get off, he asked me: So do you have a boyfriend in Budapest? I told him: No. He said, well be careful, choose one, who stays with you no matter what...because you see...with this lady...we have been together now for 55 years!
This was the sign I was looking for. All right...it seems like I really need to get deeper into this love topic. For a few days now, some questions appeared in my mind that all circled around one center: love. Questions like: Is it possible to love 2 people at the same time? Is it really true that time heals the wounds? If yes, how can it be? Is time more powerful than love? (I could not agree with that) Maybe...time does not heal the wound of love, but something else...maybe that was a wound of not real love...but...a misunderstanding...and many questions like that...some I started to answer, but then...again...love cannot be "understood" so much by the logic, so obviously I am not looking for defining love, rather just getting closer to it. In that I've got some help of course...I started to read Muller Peter's Book about love again. I read it once, but now I realized, I was not paying attention to some very important details! So now, with an open mind and heart, I will try to make it a part of me again.
Just as I started to get a deep in the subject I realized, that the quest will be similar to finding a pearl at the bottom of the ocean. Just with the question: can we love 2 people at the same time I needed to face some hardships when I wanted to be precise. Did I want to ask: love 2 people, or be in love with 2 people. Hmm, huge difference! One can love many, but...to be in love with many...there is where the root of the problem starts to appear. Being in love assumes a sort of unconditionality, and exclusiveness. Nobody would like to share the person he or she is in love with. But then...being in love (szerelem in Hungarian), how does that connect to the love (szeretet)....that is something I will need to get back to in another chapter, otherwise this post is going to exceed my readers' patience.
An additional reason for me to start researching a bit this topic was, that I really started to doubt...if...if I am not going insane. Here is why: I collected a number of wounds...one huge one, and some smaller ones. So...most of the people..do not really like the person they received the wound from..in fact, many hate that person. But...not me...even if my heart had to withstand the shower of spiky steel arrows that fell on my heart making it bleed, I could not feel any hate towards the person...more than that, I ..I could only feel sorry for him! I felt sorry for him, because somehow..through some undescribable link I understood what he needs to face...his inner Higher self, in a stage of his life, when his ego, his Lower self is more powerful...there is no balance, and though he manages to hear his Higher self, he is not able to be friends with him..and this of course creates chaos, sufferings, unsecurity, doubts and not right judgements...which..eventually can lead to the person not ...being a friend of himself...not loving himself...and then...depriving himself of the chance of loving anyone else. Now..this I did not intend to tell anyone. All I said was, that no matter whatever happened, no matter how much time passed, how far he may be, I still hold a special place in my heart for him. It does not mean, that I forget his mistakes, and make an angel of him, nope, but! I wish as much happiness for him as I do for myself, because I am aware that we are humans, we err, we might not always treat others as we should, but we all are capable of loving, and we all deserve happiness. Sometimes it comes to early..we don't even recognize it...we are not mature for it yet...and as we are not prepared for it, we loose it...we throw it away, because we become afraid of it...we rather choose something we know..even if it is not good, as opposed to choosing the grand we don't know yet...So as I had a bit better insight to where this person stands, I kept on helping him invisibly, and praying for his well being and happiness..but when I told this to some, they did not really understand it. They thought that is not how I should react..and...this "opinion" was so strong I started to think myself, that I went insane...if my reaction is not as it is natural for others, maybe..I'm getting crazy...so that was another thing triggering my quest to experience, and see love.
This evening...on the way back to Budapest, I saw the setting sun, and followed how the dusk turned into night. The multitude of colours, the appearence of shades was so spectacular that I gave thanks to God for letting me experience it. I felt that I am privileged, for having the opportunity to sit on the train and watch this miracle. It was so mind blowing, I started to cry silently...and then...a thought appeared in my mind...Love is when no matter what you did, how you behaved, or maybe even hurt the person..it is the assurance, that should you ever get in trouble, should you be in the need of a caring hand, a few good words, or just some guidance...it is the assurance that you can count on that person you love...in whatever circumstances. Should the world be falling apart, meteors falling from the sky, should everything turn upside down....it is the assurance that everything can change, but one thing is not changing...and that is the love...love in itself, towards God or another person. I thought about it a bit...and evoked the faces of all the people I'd go to, if I was in real need...I think...that was a good proof for me, that my love for them is coming from a pure source, and if I feel like I could come to them any time, and they'd take me as I am..torn, or sick, or wounded...they must be aware of the special link connecting us to one another as well.
On Friday, I went home again...pretty stange in itself, as I was at home last weekend too, but..they said that the weather will be nice, and I wished to use this last opportunity to take a dip in the river. On the way home I met my friend Zs. and from Fuzesabony, we were traveling together, sharing news. By the time I got home, the air cooled down, the sky became populated with millions of stars, and I inhaled the sweet smell of home upon getting off of the train. My brother took me home, I had lecso for supper and was about to get to bed. I walked into my room, turned on the light...and...what did I see? Well...someone was sitting on my bed..it was not the bear I always slept with at home (a bear I got from M. a long time ago)..nope..it was an old, yet unknow bear. He was sitting on my pillow, and little letter was attached to him. The letter said: "Dearest Dioka..you might not know me yet, my name is Moric. I am going to be your new friend, who will guard your dreams, to whom you can cuddle during the night. I was waiting for you, and now I am very happy that you are at home..as I was waiting for a loooong time for you...and just wanted you to know, that...there is always someone who rejoices when you arrive." I sat down, looked at the bear...hugged him, and...my heart was overflown with happiness. After 5 minutes of giving myself to the this precious feeling, I walked over to my mom's room, and hugged her. I told her thank you, and laughed...with a joyous laugh that was coming from the depth of my heart. This was a form of love...a manifestation of someone caring about me...which..I started to forget. I was getting so much used to not receiving any surprises...not getting messages, not being called on the phone...like that, that it almost brought tears to my ears. A year ago, these kind of surprises were often...I was getting little packages, letters I did not expect, small gifts, videos, songs via emails...and...soon they became "regular" for me...what a fool I was! I got used to them, as if I was entitled to those...a year had to pass without any surprises like that, so that finally when one appeared I'd appreciate it as I should have done with all of them....Man truly learns what something is worth, when she looses it..but thank God it does not mean that thing is lost forever...if we really learnt the lesson, and we are ready for taking them and respecting them as we should, they come back.
After the night with Gyuszi, the next morning contained another surprise. My sister and her family came to visit. They never announced it, so we were not prepared, yet, were very happy they turned up! My sister and her husband were talking with mom and dad, and I was left with the 2 little devils, my godchildren, Jona and Kami. We played for hours, ran around in the courtyard, wrestled, laughed and had fun. For a couple hours I became a child again, and it felt so great to be free of all worries, and thoughts. They did not want to it, only if I decided to eat as well. It happened after we finished the lunch (we ate on the terrace, while the "adults" ate inside) that Kami asked me a question. She asked: "How come that lately you don't bring Misi with yourself to Olaszliszka?" A sudden lightning struck me, and though I heard what she said, I did not want to understand it. (In the meantime the talking inside, and the clutching of silvervare died out -everyone was listening attentively.) I asked Kami again to repeat what she asked. So she asked the question again, and added: "you know Misi, your boy" I told her, that he is not my boy any more. So she went on: "But why? He loves you, no?" So I told her, nope Kami he does not love me any more. Still it was not enough for her...I felt my face freezing, and if she was an adult I would have told her to stop, but she is a very precious girl I love so I needed all my strength to stay calm and answer her. She said: "Well...anyway then..he will not find another love for himself" I could not say much to that, just silently commented, that he has already found one. For a while everything fell silent, and I needed to chase them around the table, as if I was the monster ready to eat them, to be able to push away the thick air that fell on the table, the terrace and even the kitchen inside. My sister was marveling at what Kami said, as she never ever mentioned anything about me, or M and now...out of the blue, she asked the question. Strange, you'd think the kids are not aware of what's going on, while they are more aware than anyone else! I only decided to write that down, because ...just a couple days ago, someone felt awkward about a dream..and now...in my case...it was not a dream, but reality, and ...truly I felt awkward too.
In the afternoon I went to the river with my dog, and my brother. The water was cold, lately the temperature drops to 3 degrees during the night. My brother reassured me, that I am not completely normal, and to empasize that, he did not even come to the river. Even the dog had to be persuaded for a long time. The sun was shining, but the wind was cool..yet, the crystal clear water, and the chance of swimming drew me into its frosty world. I swam for about an hour, got refreshed, my muscles had been worked, and I headed home, with a content smile on my face. In the evening we took a walk and it was not yet 10 pm, when I was already in bed :)
The Sunday passed as usual, some oversleeping, delicious lunch, packing, and catching the train back. On the train this time though there was an old couple. I sat down next to them, as the shouting and screaming of the teenagers in the carriage frightened me away. The couple was so sweet, so harmonious, so peaceful, I can hardly tell. They were not the tipical village people, nope. You could tell, that once they have been traveling a lot, they knew other cultures, languages, they were intelligent, and a certain air of elegance hovered around them. The old lady was not full of sorrow, or lamentation over a hurting leg...she was dressed sportily, but the colourful sweater that resembled a kind of patchwork showed a bit of boheme like nature. Her eyes were gleaming and blue. As I looked into her eyes, I did not see an old lady, but a reckless girl, who is ready for any adventure, any time...those were the eyes of someone, who did not regret anything...who lived a complete life, and would not change a thing, even if she had the chance to. The power of peace and satisfaction "that everything is in order" radiated from her. It felt good to look at her! I thought...this is the kind of old lady, I'd like to become one day! The old man was curious, he could not stand to ask me :) He wanted to know if I go to school, where I travel etc. Just before they were about the get off, he asked me: So do you have a boyfriend in Budapest? I told him: No. He said, well be careful, choose one, who stays with you no matter what...because you see...with this lady...we have been together now for 55 years!
This was the sign I was looking for. All right...it seems like I really need to get deeper into this love topic. For a few days now, some questions appeared in my mind that all circled around one center: love. Questions like: Is it possible to love 2 people at the same time? Is it really true that time heals the wounds? If yes, how can it be? Is time more powerful than love? (I could not agree with that) Maybe...time does not heal the wound of love, but something else...maybe that was a wound of not real love...but...a misunderstanding...and many questions like that...some I started to answer, but then...again...love cannot be "understood" so much by the logic, so obviously I am not looking for defining love, rather just getting closer to it. In that I've got some help of course...I started to read Muller Peter's Book about love again. I read it once, but now I realized, I was not paying attention to some very important details! So now, with an open mind and heart, I will try to make it a part of me again.
Just as I started to get a deep in the subject I realized, that the quest will be similar to finding a pearl at the bottom of the ocean. Just with the question: can we love 2 people at the same time I needed to face some hardships when I wanted to be precise. Did I want to ask: love 2 people, or be in love with 2 people. Hmm, huge difference! One can love many, but...to be in love with many...there is where the root of the problem starts to appear. Being in love assumes a sort of unconditionality, and exclusiveness. Nobody would like to share the person he or she is in love with. But then...being in love (szerelem in Hungarian), how does that connect to the love (szeretet)....that is something I will need to get back to in another chapter, otherwise this post is going to exceed my readers' patience.
An additional reason for me to start researching a bit this topic was, that I really started to doubt...if...if I am not going insane. Here is why: I collected a number of wounds...one huge one, and some smaller ones. So...most of the people..do not really like the person they received the wound from..in fact, many hate that person. But...not me...even if my heart had to withstand the shower of spiky steel arrows that fell on my heart making it bleed, I could not feel any hate towards the person...more than that, I ..I could only feel sorry for him! I felt sorry for him, because somehow..through some undescribable link I understood what he needs to face...his inner Higher self, in a stage of his life, when his ego, his Lower self is more powerful...there is no balance, and though he manages to hear his Higher self, he is not able to be friends with him..and this of course creates chaos, sufferings, unsecurity, doubts and not right judgements...which..eventually can lead to the person not ...being a friend of himself...not loving himself...and then...depriving himself of the chance of loving anyone else. Now..this I did not intend to tell anyone. All I said was, that no matter whatever happened, no matter how much time passed, how far he may be, I still hold a special place in my heart for him. It does not mean, that I forget his mistakes, and make an angel of him, nope, but! I wish as much happiness for him as I do for myself, because I am aware that we are humans, we err, we might not always treat others as we should, but we all are capable of loving, and we all deserve happiness. Sometimes it comes to early..we don't even recognize it...we are not mature for it yet...and as we are not prepared for it, we loose it...we throw it away, because we become afraid of it...we rather choose something we know..even if it is not good, as opposed to choosing the grand we don't know yet...So as I had a bit better insight to where this person stands, I kept on helping him invisibly, and praying for his well being and happiness..but when I told this to some, they did not really understand it. They thought that is not how I should react..and...this "opinion" was so strong I started to think myself, that I went insane...if my reaction is not as it is natural for others, maybe..I'm getting crazy...so that was another thing triggering my quest to experience, and see love.
This evening...on the way back to Budapest, I saw the setting sun, and followed how the dusk turned into night. The multitude of colours, the appearence of shades was so spectacular that I gave thanks to God for letting me experience it. I felt that I am privileged, for having the opportunity to sit on the train and watch this miracle. It was so mind blowing, I started to cry silently...and then...a thought appeared in my mind...Love is when no matter what you did, how you behaved, or maybe even hurt the person..it is the assurance, that should you ever get in trouble, should you be in the need of a caring hand, a few good words, or just some guidance...it is the assurance that you can count on that person you love...in whatever circumstances. Should the world be falling apart, meteors falling from the sky, should everything turn upside down....it is the assurance that everything can change, but one thing is not changing...and that is the love...love in itself, towards God or another person. I thought about it a bit...and evoked the faces of all the people I'd go to, if I was in real need...I think...that was a good proof for me, that my love for them is coming from a pure source, and if I feel like I could come to them any time, and they'd take me as I am..torn, or sick, or wounded...they must be aware of the special link connecting us to one another as well.
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Timeless
For more than half a year, I was living in the past...it did not matter what people around me said, it did not matter, how they tried their best to pull me out of the sea of memories..I let myself be carried by the current...I denied any help...I wanted to relive the moments lost..as I knew time could not be reversed, I chose to get lost in those moments when I felt complete...I could not put up with the change...I could not accept that life has moved on like a fast car...but without me...I got out of the car, and decided to wait..along the road. I waited and waited, I searched the road, and waited for the car to pass by me again and pick me up. Storms crossed the sky, my hands froze, there was no shelter nearby..and I waited, because I believed...I believed that what I felt was true, and unique..something that could not be imitated, or lived without. Then slowly...as time went on...I slipped from past to future...I was still waiting..along the road, but this time...with hope in my heart...I realized, I can turn towards the direction from where the car came, when it stopped and I got out, but maybe I should rather turn towards the direction where it went after I abandoned it...for another half year...I was living for the future...with new enthusiasm...believing again..that..the driver driving that car will come back for me and pick me up, because ....because I have the map...and he will never find the right way without my navigation and instinct...but by now...I understand...the driver does not need my compass...my map...maybe he never really wanted to get to the place I wished to show him....and even without a map...you can just drive...take some turns, go ahead, and get somewhere..and this place where you end up, can be a nice one...what you like...it's a question of luck..and what you decide to call nice. (a forest can be nice for some, but others could prefer the sea)
So now...I realized...I've been waiting and waiting...but never took the effort to look around...I was so much concentrated on the waiting itself, that slowly everything around me disappeared..and as the car did not come, my spirits grew darker...did it help? could I do anything to turn the car back? No...in addition, I lost all the chances of discovering what is around me...I did not rejoice over the sun that dried my clothes after the storm, because my mind, my whole body was in tense concentration..always alert...time to time I saw something shiny, and I managed to make myself believe that it is the sun reflected from the window of that car...but it was only an illusion..the driver was far...and getting further and further...and then...something happened...not sure what it was...maybe an angel who had enough of watching my yearning face along the road whispered to my ears:
Can the birds fly without wings? Can a flower bloom without sunshine? Can the soil get fertile without rain? Can a human live without the air? Can the moon shine without the sun? Can the fish swim without water?
Then he went on:
Is the promise of the wing capable of making the birds fly? Is the promise/hope of the sunshine enough to make a flower bloom? Will the soil get fertile if you tell it that once there will be some rain? Will a human be able to breath if he only dreams of the air? Will the moon shine if you tell her a tale about the sun? Is it enough for the fish to imagine the water, to be able to swim?
And slowly...I started to understand...love is not about telling someone that you love her/him...love is not about nurturing an illusion..a faraway promise...love is not easy...it asks for sacrifices...it is fragile, therefore it has to be taken care of...it needs the will and commitment from both hearts...love is not about taking the easy road, but about the willingness of choosing the hard one, if that's the only way...love is not about resignation and abandonement, but about the willingness to fight if that's required. There is no half love...it wants it all...all your heart...it is a warrior that defeats the ego, and does not know any compromise when it comes to the battle. Love is fierce, but kind, once attained and nurtured, it gives you all and more you could ever dream of. Love is not a definiton, it cannot be captured, understood, or even described fully, but through deeds it can be recognized. You may tell your dog, you love him, but will it make him believe it if you never pet him, or walk with him? You may tell your mother you love her, but will she believe it if you never visit her? You may tell a man you love him, but can it truly be called love, if you choose to spend your life with another man?
It is unbelievable how much people are capable of not only fooling others, but themselves as well. Their brain..and ego is a master of lies...it's loud, and seems to be smart...it compresses the voice of the "higher self" completely...and at the end..we believe the lies we created. It brings with itself the illusion of happiness even, but...someone who has truly been happy before knows the difference..the heart knows the difference well. Still some people are satisfied with the fake happiness, and decide to live their life in this bubble of illusion created by their ego. Time to time when the lack of pure joy manifests itself, the soul awakens, and tries to remind us where we come from, and what we should seek for, but it is so easy to cover this weak cry with logic, thoughts, and fears.
True joy can only be appreciated when true sadness is experienced. A man does not really know what thirst means, until he has not been to the desert. I know it will not be easy, but I will not give up my search for true joy, and true love. I've seen so many "fake" feelings...so many compromises, so many lies people created to protect themselves from the voice of their soul, that the determination has been born in me...I will do what my soul agrees to, even if it will bring with itself a lot of hardships, lot of struggles and pain...that pain is still little in comparison to what I would have to face if I neglected the voice of my heart.
Since this recognition...past and future released me...they have been exchanged by the present...and now..there is no past...and no future any more...only the present moment...it is a sort of timelessness, which is still very new for me...it feels as if I was not able to differentiate between the days of the week...as if all the sudden my way of calculating the time has changed...I do not measure it based on when I started to work, or when I went home, or when the weekend will come...nope...there is candlelight..darkness...morning sun, noisy bus, crowded train...rushing people..always what surrounds me...what I can see, what I can feel..what I can experience in the given moment. Not sure how long it will last...but for now I'm content, because it saves me from the shadows of the past, and from the not trusted promises of the future.
So now...I realized...I've been waiting and waiting...but never took the effort to look around...I was so much concentrated on the waiting itself, that slowly everything around me disappeared..and as the car did not come, my spirits grew darker...did it help? could I do anything to turn the car back? No...in addition, I lost all the chances of discovering what is around me...I did not rejoice over the sun that dried my clothes after the storm, because my mind, my whole body was in tense concentration..always alert...time to time I saw something shiny, and I managed to make myself believe that it is the sun reflected from the window of that car...but it was only an illusion..the driver was far...and getting further and further...and then...something happened...not sure what it was...maybe an angel who had enough of watching my yearning face along the road whispered to my ears:
Can the birds fly without wings? Can a flower bloom without sunshine? Can the soil get fertile without rain? Can a human live without the air? Can the moon shine without the sun? Can the fish swim without water?
Then he went on:
Is the promise of the wing capable of making the birds fly? Is the promise/hope of the sunshine enough to make a flower bloom? Will the soil get fertile if you tell it that once there will be some rain? Will a human be able to breath if he only dreams of the air? Will the moon shine if you tell her a tale about the sun? Is it enough for the fish to imagine the water, to be able to swim?
And slowly...I started to understand...love is not about telling someone that you love her/him...love is not about nurturing an illusion..a faraway promise...love is not easy...it asks for sacrifices...it is fragile, therefore it has to be taken care of...it needs the will and commitment from both hearts...love is not about taking the easy road, but about the willingness of choosing the hard one, if that's the only way...love is not about resignation and abandonement, but about the willingness to fight if that's required. There is no half love...it wants it all...all your heart...it is a warrior that defeats the ego, and does not know any compromise when it comes to the battle. Love is fierce, but kind, once attained and nurtured, it gives you all and more you could ever dream of. Love is not a definiton, it cannot be captured, understood, or even described fully, but through deeds it can be recognized. You may tell your dog, you love him, but will it make him believe it if you never pet him, or walk with him? You may tell your mother you love her, but will she believe it if you never visit her? You may tell a man you love him, but can it truly be called love, if you choose to spend your life with another man?
It is unbelievable how much people are capable of not only fooling others, but themselves as well. Their brain..and ego is a master of lies...it's loud, and seems to be smart...it compresses the voice of the "higher self" completely...and at the end..we believe the lies we created. It brings with itself the illusion of happiness even, but...someone who has truly been happy before knows the difference..the heart knows the difference well. Still some people are satisfied with the fake happiness, and decide to live their life in this bubble of illusion created by their ego. Time to time when the lack of pure joy manifests itself, the soul awakens, and tries to remind us where we come from, and what we should seek for, but it is so easy to cover this weak cry with logic, thoughts, and fears.
True joy can only be appreciated when true sadness is experienced. A man does not really know what thirst means, until he has not been to the desert. I know it will not be easy, but I will not give up my search for true joy, and true love. I've seen so many "fake" feelings...so many compromises, so many lies people created to protect themselves from the voice of their soul, that the determination has been born in me...I will do what my soul agrees to, even if it will bring with itself a lot of hardships, lot of struggles and pain...that pain is still little in comparison to what I would have to face if I neglected the voice of my heart.
Since this recognition...past and future released me...they have been exchanged by the present...and now..there is no past...and no future any more...only the present moment...it is a sort of timelessness, which is still very new for me...it feels as if I was not able to differentiate between the days of the week...as if all the sudden my way of calculating the time has changed...I do not measure it based on when I started to work, or when I went home, or when the weekend will come...nope...there is candlelight..darkness...morning sun, noisy bus, crowded train...rushing people..always what surrounds me...what I can see, what I can feel..what I can experience in the given moment. Not sure how long it will last...but for now I'm content, because it saves me from the shadows of the past, and from the not trusted promises of the future.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
The thought of today (20th)
Today I came across the following thought, while checking the thought collector online:
“Some men have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can.”
I think I needed to be reminded...to prevent me falling into the cheeky trap of the "cannots", as opposed to focusing on the "cans".
“Some men have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can.”
I think I needed to be reminded...to prevent me falling into the cheeky trap of the "cannots", as opposed to focusing on the "cans".
Reunion
The weekend passed by very quickly I daresay...Little did I notice, the week was over, I was on
the subway, rushing the catch the last train home. I love to go to the railway station, because
it means the beginning of a journey...it can be a journey by train..that takes me either home, or
to somewhere far...or it can be a journey on the path of life...a station from which nothing will
be the same again. The arriving trains, the leaving ones, people saying goodbye, and others
joining in a hug to welcome each other fascinate me...but more than that, my mind is overtaken
by the beauty of the tracks...how those 2 metal roads lead into infinity...always by each others'
side, always in the same distance from each other...and yet curving together, going uphills, and
downhills...they travel through the same scenery…they pass by the same fields, they meander
next to the same rivers…as if there was an invisible connection between them…they live their
lives side by side..and never touch…they are given the same circumstances..bridges to cross,
moutains to mount, but even though they need to face the same hardships, and rejoice over the
same sunshine, their experiences and learnings are different…that little little distance between
them..counts.
After sorting these thoughts in my mind, I captured the loudspeaker announcing from which
track my lovely train is going to depart, so I headed towards that track, and tried to reach the first
carriage of the train before the crowd of people invaded my steal snake…
The journey, this time home was spent by watching outside the window, until the sun set, and
then I took my book and was reading. As I had a thrilling book, I did not seem to notice the time
passing by, I only assumed that we are near my village, as I looked around, and again…I was the
only person left in the carriage…At home I was awaited by a marvelous meal (French potatoes,
and a very delicious Goulash soup) of which I could hardly eat, as it was rather late in the night
already.
The next morning greeted me early, I wished the snuggle a bit more underneath the
heavy blanket, which in my imagination was made of thick fur..mmm…so warm, so
protecting..but…hejjj….mother came to my bed and warned me, that the sun is up, I need not to
be lazy, especially as we planned to go to the market that day. I opened my eyes, and caught the
glimpse of the beaming sunrays landing on our terrace, and also did not miss to realize the little
waterdrops appearing towards the bottom part of the window. So the autumn is here…truly…the
cool night wrapped the whole village, the fields and mountains into a milky moisture blanket. I
got out of bed, and my first steps lead out of the house, where my prior hypothesis was verified,
truly, the fresh but cold air cut under my pajama, and I felt the goose bumps spreading all over
my body starting from shoulders, down to my feet, and arms. I took a deep breath, and hurried
back inside.
The market was just awesome! Many people, from all over..Slovakia, Ukraine, Romania..and
of course Hungarians. I really enjoy being a part of that colourful multitude of people. It is
unlike the crowd in the city…there are farmers, who honestly tell you whether their product is
good for winter storage, or we should buy less now, and come back a month from now, as that
product then will be more suitable for storing purposes. There are the Romanians, who at first
do not wish to lower the price, but then run after you and offer you the shoes, clothes for less
than the half of the original price. I always view the market as a marry company, where interests
meet..selling and buying…but not like in the malls…where the goods are displayed, and you
do not even need to talk to anybody if you wish to buy something….nope… on the market, it is
different….there’s more interaction..a bit of history..some good advices, and smiles..that is what
makes it more human…the vegetables are fresh, grown by the people who sell it…if you lean
close enough, you may even smell the soil on them…
We spent about 8 hours discovering all the secret places of this labyrinth, savouring its tastes,
coming from exotic places, only to be melted together in this special pot, ripening together,
forming something new…something special, something unique. In the afternoon, we got home,
tired after so much tasting :) and hungry, after so much adventure, and urge of searching through
every corner of this vast enchanted castle. We packed the car out, and hurriedly started to
prepare for an evening barbecue. I chose to roast a big chunk of bacon for my dad, and then
a nice piece of sausage for myself. These days, the evening arrives early...he runs faster and
faster every day, to bring us the piece and calmness of the night. We hardly started to make the
fire, it became the only source of light, drawing interesting figures on our faces as if mocking
us. While sitting there, I could feel the chilly air searching for little wholes on my shirt, below
the buttons, where it could put its hand underneath, only to be able to touch my body. Time to
time it gave me a shiver, and I moved closer to the fire. Its flames enchanted me, the burning
wood singed a melody, only the attentive ear could hear. It was the symphony of the “end” as it
first tried to escape the hungry flame tongues, but then the screams grew more silent, and were
exchanged by the sound of mourning, squeaking, pleading… We were sitting there for a long
time, waited upon the sleepy moon, who decided to wake up later than usual, then millions of
diamonds have been thrown on the velvety blanket of the night, and we started to collect the
empty glasses, roasts, and plates…it was time for relaxing.
The next day held a surprise for me. This summer I did not have the chance to swim in the river
near our house. I regretted it, and felt sad about the missed opportunity. I even thought, fine…if
it has to be so…I will skip my merry reunion with the river this year, though deep down I felt it
is not a good idea, as we both need this special exchange of energy. For my pleasure, this
Sunday was a warm one..and I knew I cannot miss my chance thrown in front of my feet. I
asked my dad to accompany me, and took my dog, who needed a swim badly as well. This
summer it seemed like the riverbank was left alone to the wilderness. There was no path down, I
had to make one…which resulted in many little cuts on my legs…but! I was the jungle fighter,
and my dream had to be fulfilled. Finally, after an hour worth of wrestling with the wild weeds,
we arrived to the riverbank. There the sight was captivating…calmly flowing, dark green body
of water…undisturbed surface…the smell of rawness delivered to our nostrils by a vigilant
young breeze. I stood there, mesmerized, and started to get rid of my clothes…the river was
calling me, desiring me..and I could feel the excitement in my cells, on my skin..I made a few
steps into the water, and felt its vibration, its cool soothing…I was lost…I swam, I splashed, I
flipped, I melted into the water..we became one…I had no body any more..I was the river, and
the river was me…its pureness, its power, its freshness overwhelmed me…I was…where I
belonged…a sudden stream of joy spread across me…I could not stop laughing…I finally
understood, that there are certain connections in us…certain deeds…certain rituals..we must
do…because these are a part of us..these deeds and connections help us finding the way back to
who we are…to our inner self…our soul…these connections help us shake off the chains of expectations, fate, and fears…and so…we become free. I smelled the water, I kissed it, I inhaled
it even…I wanted to store the view, the feeling, the mood, everything in my heart…to reinforce
that…on that evening I did not take a shower…I wanted to carry the touch and scent of the river
on my body…to keep me connected…even in the middle of the city..where I needed to return
with the evening train…
the subway, rushing the catch the last train home. I love to go to the railway station, because
it means the beginning of a journey...it can be a journey by train..that takes me either home, or
to somewhere far...or it can be a journey on the path of life...a station from which nothing will
be the same again. The arriving trains, the leaving ones, people saying goodbye, and others
joining in a hug to welcome each other fascinate me...but more than that, my mind is overtaken
by the beauty of the tracks...how those 2 metal roads lead into infinity...always by each others'
side, always in the same distance from each other...and yet curving together, going uphills, and
downhills...they travel through the same scenery…they pass by the same fields, they meander
next to the same rivers…as if there was an invisible connection between them…they live their
lives side by side..and never touch…they are given the same circumstances..bridges to cross,
moutains to mount, but even though they need to face the same hardships, and rejoice over the
same sunshine, their experiences and learnings are different…that little little distance between
them..counts.
After sorting these thoughts in my mind, I captured the loudspeaker announcing from which
track my lovely train is going to depart, so I headed towards that track, and tried to reach the first
carriage of the train before the crowd of people invaded my steal snake…
The journey, this time home was spent by watching outside the window, until the sun set, and
then I took my book and was reading. As I had a thrilling book, I did not seem to notice the time
passing by, I only assumed that we are near my village, as I looked around, and again…I was the
only person left in the carriage…At home I was awaited by a marvelous meal (French potatoes,
and a very delicious Goulash soup) of which I could hardly eat, as it was rather late in the night
already.
The next morning greeted me early, I wished the snuggle a bit more underneath the
heavy blanket, which in my imagination was made of thick fur..mmm…so warm, so
protecting..but…hejjj….mother came to my bed and warned me, that the sun is up, I need not to
be lazy, especially as we planned to go to the market that day. I opened my eyes, and caught the
glimpse of the beaming sunrays landing on our terrace, and also did not miss to realize the little
waterdrops appearing towards the bottom part of the window. So the autumn is here…truly…the
cool night wrapped the whole village, the fields and mountains into a milky moisture blanket. I
got out of bed, and my first steps lead out of the house, where my prior hypothesis was verified,
truly, the fresh but cold air cut under my pajama, and I felt the goose bumps spreading all over
my body starting from shoulders, down to my feet, and arms. I took a deep breath, and hurried
back inside.
The market was just awesome! Many people, from all over..Slovakia, Ukraine, Romania..and
of course Hungarians. I really enjoy being a part of that colourful multitude of people. It is
unlike the crowd in the city…there are farmers, who honestly tell you whether their product is
good for winter storage, or we should buy less now, and come back a month from now, as that
product then will be more suitable for storing purposes. There are the Romanians, who at first
do not wish to lower the price, but then run after you and offer you the shoes, clothes for less
than the half of the original price. I always view the market as a marry company, where interests
meet..selling and buying…but not like in the malls…where the goods are displayed, and you
do not even need to talk to anybody if you wish to buy something….nope… on the market, it is
different….there’s more interaction..a bit of history..some good advices, and smiles..that is what
makes it more human…the vegetables are fresh, grown by the people who sell it…if you lean
close enough, you may even smell the soil on them…
We spent about 8 hours discovering all the secret places of this labyrinth, savouring its tastes,
coming from exotic places, only to be melted together in this special pot, ripening together,
forming something new…something special, something unique. In the afternoon, we got home,
tired after so much tasting :) and hungry, after so much adventure, and urge of searching through
every corner of this vast enchanted castle. We packed the car out, and hurriedly started to
prepare for an evening barbecue. I chose to roast a big chunk of bacon for my dad, and then
a nice piece of sausage for myself. These days, the evening arrives early...he runs faster and
faster every day, to bring us the piece and calmness of the night. We hardly started to make the
fire, it became the only source of light, drawing interesting figures on our faces as if mocking
us. While sitting there, I could feel the chilly air searching for little wholes on my shirt, below
the buttons, where it could put its hand underneath, only to be able to touch my body. Time to
time it gave me a shiver, and I moved closer to the fire. Its flames enchanted me, the burning
wood singed a melody, only the attentive ear could hear. It was the symphony of the “end” as it
first tried to escape the hungry flame tongues, but then the screams grew more silent, and were
exchanged by the sound of mourning, squeaking, pleading… We were sitting there for a long
time, waited upon the sleepy moon, who decided to wake up later than usual, then millions of
diamonds have been thrown on the velvety blanket of the night, and we started to collect the
empty glasses, roasts, and plates…it was time for relaxing.
The next day held a surprise for me. This summer I did not have the chance to swim in the river
near our house. I regretted it, and felt sad about the missed opportunity. I even thought, fine…if
it has to be so…I will skip my merry reunion with the river this year, though deep down I felt it
is not a good idea, as we both need this special exchange of energy. For my pleasure, this
Sunday was a warm one..and I knew I cannot miss my chance thrown in front of my feet. I
asked my dad to accompany me, and took my dog, who needed a swim badly as well. This
summer it seemed like the riverbank was left alone to the wilderness. There was no path down, I
had to make one…which resulted in many little cuts on my legs…but! I was the jungle fighter,
and my dream had to be fulfilled. Finally, after an hour worth of wrestling with the wild weeds,
we arrived to the riverbank. There the sight was captivating…calmly flowing, dark green body
of water…undisturbed surface…the smell of rawness delivered to our nostrils by a vigilant
young breeze. I stood there, mesmerized, and started to get rid of my clothes…the river was
calling me, desiring me..and I could feel the excitement in my cells, on my skin..I made a few
steps into the water, and felt its vibration, its cool soothing…I was lost…I swam, I splashed, I
flipped, I melted into the water..we became one…I had no body any more..I was the river, and
the river was me…its pureness, its power, its freshness overwhelmed me…I was…where I
belonged…a sudden stream of joy spread across me…I could not stop laughing…I finally
understood, that there are certain connections in us…certain deeds…certain rituals..we must
do…because these are a part of us..these deeds and connections help us finding the way back to
who we are…to our inner self…our soul…these connections help us shake off the chains of expectations, fate, and fears…and so…we become free. I smelled the water, I kissed it, I inhaled
it even…I wanted to store the view, the feeling, the mood, everything in my heart…to reinforce
that…on that evening I did not take a shower…I wanted to carry the touch and scent of the river
on my body…to keep me connected…even in the middle of the city..where I needed to return
with the evening train…
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Transformation
Lately I have felt reserved...I tried to do a bit of research within me to see where this certain melancholy, this feeling of sadness is coming from...I could not identify it..it felt as if a part of me, that I did not manage to get near to....was suffering...a part which is a part of me, and yet an entity on its own...a part that is connected to me, but I am unable to change it...I started to fear, what if this part is going to overtake me completely? People in the office started to ask me if everything is all right with me...because I seem to be far away...not present...not talking as much as I used to, not looking interested in my every day life. It's true, I have also realized it...I fell silent, the words that used to run so feverously out of my mouth prefered to stay inside...the only way how I can open the gates for them, to go and explore the world is through writing...here...At first I tried to fight this state of being...I wanted my old self back...I wanted to meet the expectations of others..I wanted to give them back the "old" Dio...but...I realized, that it is not time for it...now is the time for a bit of dwelling inside...a bit of thinking, meditating, talking to my angels...So these days I wake up early, I read a bit, drink a coffee, watch the people going to work, walking on the pavement..then I head to work myself, I do what is my job, then I grab my bag and come home. I make a tea, light a candle, sit down on the floor, or on the bed, time to time in the corner of the room, time to time in the other room, which is now empty..and read...and think...and feel...and strangely it is not something bad...it is not driven by sadness, or anger or anything of that sort...nope...it is driven by the wish to be at peace...calmed down...not rushing...just...paying attention to the world...trying to capture how all the molecules are in motion...trying to capture the stages, emotions, moods, thoughts flowing in to my room through my open window...in this moment some people are very happy, some rejoice over a long waited baby to be born..some confess their love to each other...some old people get a phone call from their children telling them they love them...on the other hand..some people die...some loose their lives in a car accident, some are diagnosed with an illness that cannot be cured....some couples break up....so many people...so many different paths, and so many different stops...and somehow all this is in harmony...in the eyes of God all this is balanced..and happening for the greater good. I know I will not be able to fully understand it, but these days it feels good for me to look at the world...and myself...as part of humanity from above...it is as if it is not me who is living my life...it feels like my soul decided to go in search of another perspective..so she flew up...found a comfortable star, sat on it...and with a binocular she is watching life on Earth as if it was a great puzzle..and slowly she is understanding that the pieces of this puzzle fit together, and they are where they belong. You can maybe understand now, why I must seem like a lunatic these days to my colleagues and friends...because though I am there...I am not really there...
As an example of the list of unusual acts, today I started the day with sending 2 messages...1 to my mom, telling her that I love her, and 1 to my sister telling her that I love her, and am thankful for the fact that she exists. I felt the sudden urge inside me, commanding me to do this...to let them know...because they need to know, they must be assured, that I will always be there for them, and would give everything to make them happy. The I continued my journey, and asked for God's blessing on people passing me by. After that, I got on the bus, that decided to take an alternative route to the stop, so instead of 10 minutes it took 40...I saw the people starting to get worried, and I would have done the same, but today...I was happy to take part in some adventure..the sun was shining, so I was really content to take the scenic route :) At the stop, I gave some money to the old beggar lady, who reminds me of my grandma. I was already in the office, getting hungry...when..a thought came to my mind...it was actually as if a voice deep within me would tell me the words: clean yourself...I am not sure how, but I knew what it meant...I decided not to eat meat for a while...I have this urge in me to become clean...inside...on the level of the soul, as much as on the level of the body. Don't get me wrong, I like meat...but...by not eating meat, what I'd wish to eat...by saying no to the temptation, I can train my soul..and my will...and something tells me that if I concentrate a bit on how the body will beg me for some meat, how it will threaten me, shout in me and use every weapon to fulfill its wish, I will understand how weak I am...how easy it is to give priority to the body instead of the soul...and then...I will become aware even more what limitations it has to be a human. If I cannot command the body...why do I wonder that so often the ego wins over our hearts? Well..I'd like to let this ego of mine know, that I am not a puppet in her hand...I have a heart and soul, that has been pushed into the background more often than it should have, it is time for her to shine, and let love overflow her.
After work, we agreed with a friend of mine, that we will go for a walk...however we ran into a shop, where I wished to buy a pair of pants, and unfortunately we spent a bit more time there than we planned. It got dark, by the time we headed home..and there was some change in ..the air...When we left the office, the sun was shining, it was hot..when we got to the street again, it was chilly, and dark...As I got off the bus, and made my way towards my flat...a sudden blow of the wind got my attention...It came out of nowhere, only to pick up the rusty leaves that lay under a chestnut tree...I came to a halt..looked down below my feet...there were the leaves..those brownish..reddish leaves, whirling in a circle about 20 centimeters above the cobble stones of the street, forming a kind of funnel...rattling, clinking, clattering in a sweet tone...as if they were talking to me...as if they carried a message, from far...a message they needed to deliver...and soon...through the wind, and rustling of leaves I managed to understand the word they carried...Aisiteru...I looked up to the sky, smiled, and enclosed the word in my heart...with a joy and satisfaction heating my veins and bones I continued my way home.
As an example of the list of unusual acts, today I started the day with sending 2 messages...1 to my mom, telling her that I love her, and 1 to my sister telling her that I love her, and am thankful for the fact that she exists. I felt the sudden urge inside me, commanding me to do this...to let them know...because they need to know, they must be assured, that I will always be there for them, and would give everything to make them happy. The I continued my journey, and asked for God's blessing on people passing me by. After that, I got on the bus, that decided to take an alternative route to the stop, so instead of 10 minutes it took 40...I saw the people starting to get worried, and I would have done the same, but today...I was happy to take part in some adventure..the sun was shining, so I was really content to take the scenic route :) At the stop, I gave some money to the old beggar lady, who reminds me of my grandma. I was already in the office, getting hungry...when..a thought came to my mind...it was actually as if a voice deep within me would tell me the words: clean yourself...I am not sure how, but I knew what it meant...I decided not to eat meat for a while...I have this urge in me to become clean...inside...on the level of the soul, as much as on the level of the body. Don't get me wrong, I like meat...but...by not eating meat, what I'd wish to eat...by saying no to the temptation, I can train my soul..and my will...and something tells me that if I concentrate a bit on how the body will beg me for some meat, how it will threaten me, shout in me and use every weapon to fulfill its wish, I will understand how weak I am...how easy it is to give priority to the body instead of the soul...and then...I will become aware even more what limitations it has to be a human. If I cannot command the body...why do I wonder that so often the ego wins over our hearts? Well..I'd like to let this ego of mine know, that I am not a puppet in her hand...I have a heart and soul, that has been pushed into the background more often than it should have, it is time for her to shine, and let love overflow her.
After work, we agreed with a friend of mine, that we will go for a walk...however we ran into a shop, where I wished to buy a pair of pants, and unfortunately we spent a bit more time there than we planned. It got dark, by the time we headed home..and there was some change in ..the air...When we left the office, the sun was shining, it was hot..when we got to the street again, it was chilly, and dark...As I got off the bus, and made my way towards my flat...a sudden blow of the wind got my attention...It came out of nowhere, only to pick up the rusty leaves that lay under a chestnut tree...I came to a halt..looked down below my feet...there were the leaves..those brownish..reddish leaves, whirling in a circle about 20 centimeters above the cobble stones of the street, forming a kind of funnel...rattling, clinking, clattering in a sweet tone...as if they were talking to me...as if they carried a message, from far...a message they needed to deliver...and soon...through the wind, and rustling of leaves I managed to understand the word they carried...Aisiteru...I looked up to the sky, smiled, and enclosed the word in my heart...with a joy and satisfaction heating my veins and bones I continued my way home.
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
The girl and the falcon
I thought I did it...I truly felt so...I thought I managed to get rid of this thread, made of fine silver, so shining, so pure...but in the past days I've learnt that I cannot be always in control...there are some things, connections, feelings, fates which..were destined to be a part of us...and we can fight against them, we can lay on the ground and weep, we can be angry, they still linger on...they stick to us..because they are a part of us...and as such we cannot tear them out from our insides. As I learned this, I realized, if I cannot break it...no matter how much I want to, I need to live with it, and somehow try to gain strength from it..after all, I'm attached/connected to so many things I cannot touch, or confirm to be mine, such as the moon, the falling leaves, the pearls of dew on the spring morning, and yet I find them beautiful, and they make me happy...they make me feel loved, they chase away the feeling of loneliness...so now it seems like I have another of those connections, except this one I can only see in my dreams...and memories...but even so, I calmed down, and got to the point where I am able to be thankful for it. Not all bonds are meant to be based on things which we are able to see, hear, or touch...some allies are based on invisible foundations, but it does not make them less firm. Houses are not to be built on sand, if the base is not solid enough, the water and the elements will start to demolish it sooner...but there are buildings, which though destroyed, still preserve some stones which represent their past glory.
Once there was a girl...she lived with her parents in the village, near the forest. This girl was only known to the people in the village as "the girl from the last house, at the end of the long street". They never really remembered her name, as it was a bit different from the names, that have been usual in the region. The girl was kind, and somewhat shy. She loved to spend her time with the old people, listen to their tales about their childhood, and youth. She loved the colourful piece of clothing they wrapped their heads into, their long dresses, and their wrinkles. Some of the old people had more wrinkles around their mouth, in such away as to make them seem like they are constantly smiling, while for some it looked like the contrary, as if their life had been only been full of sorrow. She was scared of the latter kind, their eyes carried anger, hatred, disillusionment, and dissatisfaction. These could only complain, if the sun was shining, for that, if it was raining for that. The ones with the smiling wrinkles never missed the opportunity of inviting her in for a freshly baked cake when it was raining, and never forgot to sing when the sun was shining. The young people, children of her age she did not really know. She always felt as if their games, and talks are not of any interest to her. In her eyes, already then the gates of the world of dreams were reflected. She loved to spend her free hours and days on the field, watching the clouds goes by, she always thought if she chooses a place where she returns as much as she can, she will be able to capture the passing of time. So it happened that one day, when she was chewing on a piece of straw, while laying on a bale of hay, a strange sound hit her ears. She got up and looked around, only to find a wounded falcon struggling to drag himself into the bushes, where he can be hidden from the visions of anyone and anything wanting to lay an eye on him. The girl got up, and slowly started to get near the falcon. She looked into his brown eyes, and saw the history of suffering. She felt immediately that she needs to save this falcon, needs to help him, because there was something in that eye that bewitched her. The falcon felt something similar as he did not show fear, when the girl picked him into her hands and headed home. Fortunately the wounds were not too deep, it took only a couple weeks to heal completely. But in that time they spent together, the girl was happier than ever. She told the falcon about her life, her friends, the butterflies, the fish, the bugs, the dogs, the chickens around the houses, and she could read tales of the vast forest, and mountains in the eyes of the falcon. She could feel that it is a friendship, that is one of a kind. She shared everything with the falcon, and so did the falcon. She even put him next to her bed, so that she could hear him fidgeting in the night..that would always bring a smile on her face, knowing that he is there. Then once the day came, when the falcon was healed completely...the girl was sure, that now they are unseparable, and was a bit surprised when her parents asked her to let the falcon go. She sat by the river for one day..talking to the falcon...telling him why she does not want to let him, go, and yet, wants to let him go. She tried to persuade the falcon, tried to show him, prove him, that this is an exceptional friendship, and both of them would only be sad if they left each other, but deep down, she knew, that it is not true love, which seizes to bound...love is when you respect what the other one wishes...even if you might know or feel that it is not the right thing...so you let your loved one go, if you need to, you help if you need to, you let him follow his own path, and only ask for blessing while he takes that road...because in true love..the "self" dissolves...the ego gives in to the force, that is greater than any...thinking this over, the girl gave a pet for the last time on the falcon's head ...told him to take good care of himself, wished him a good journey, much joy and closed her eyes...she could only feel the air disturbed by the falcon's wings as he gave himself back to the wilderness, his real home. From then on the girl went out every morning, and could not help to look up, in search of the falcon...she felt if a piece of her heart has flown away with the falcon...when she closed her eyes, she could see the meadows the falcon flew above, could smell the fresh air, and marvel at the sunset reflecting in his eyes as he stood on a cliff..there was a time, she wished as if this part of her heart was torn out, but by time, she learned to be thankful for this piece of her heart, because through those soul journeys, it brought her such joy, which she never even imagined. Has the falcon ever came back? Is it really of any importance? I leave it up to you to decide....
I thought last week that I will not be able to write any more, because...I am too weak, too confused, and the chaos inside me is too huge to overcome...but here I am writing, as if obiding a whisper of my heart, which is urging me to let my emotions flow through my words...let myself be cleansed through the sentences, let myself become visible...my true self that hides behind the monotony of the days...I guess it is truly necessary...as in the past days I felt the tension rising in me...not...finding a way out...the tension was coming from the fact that here has been a storm of emotion rushing at me, thoughts, feelings, moods, and I had to keep them all within me..I could not find the channel through wich I can let them manifest themselves...so this evening, after lighting some candles in my room, and gazing at their dancing beauty I decided to sit down and let the reckless horses free...the first intention was to tell you about my journey to Cesky Krumlov over the weekend, but somehow I ended up sharing with you the tale of the girl and the falcon...hope you don't mind...maybe tomorrow I can compensate you with a detailed picture of the world's most beautiful small city, Cesky Krumlov :)
Once there was a girl...she lived with her parents in the village, near the forest. This girl was only known to the people in the village as "the girl from the last house, at the end of the long street". They never really remembered her name, as it was a bit different from the names, that have been usual in the region. The girl was kind, and somewhat shy. She loved to spend her time with the old people, listen to their tales about their childhood, and youth. She loved the colourful piece of clothing they wrapped their heads into, their long dresses, and their wrinkles. Some of the old people had more wrinkles around their mouth, in such away as to make them seem like they are constantly smiling, while for some it looked like the contrary, as if their life had been only been full of sorrow. She was scared of the latter kind, their eyes carried anger, hatred, disillusionment, and dissatisfaction. These could only complain, if the sun was shining, for that, if it was raining for that. The ones with the smiling wrinkles never missed the opportunity of inviting her in for a freshly baked cake when it was raining, and never forgot to sing when the sun was shining. The young people, children of her age she did not really know. She always felt as if their games, and talks are not of any interest to her. In her eyes, already then the gates of the world of dreams were reflected. She loved to spend her free hours and days on the field, watching the clouds goes by, she always thought if she chooses a place where she returns as much as she can, she will be able to capture the passing of time. So it happened that one day, when she was chewing on a piece of straw, while laying on a bale of hay, a strange sound hit her ears. She got up and looked around, only to find a wounded falcon struggling to drag himself into the bushes, where he can be hidden from the visions of anyone and anything wanting to lay an eye on him. The girl got up, and slowly started to get near the falcon. She looked into his brown eyes, and saw the history of suffering. She felt immediately that she needs to save this falcon, needs to help him, because there was something in that eye that bewitched her. The falcon felt something similar as he did not show fear, when the girl picked him into her hands and headed home. Fortunately the wounds were not too deep, it took only a couple weeks to heal completely. But in that time they spent together, the girl was happier than ever. She told the falcon about her life, her friends, the butterflies, the fish, the bugs, the dogs, the chickens around the houses, and she could read tales of the vast forest, and mountains in the eyes of the falcon. She could feel that it is a friendship, that is one of a kind. She shared everything with the falcon, and so did the falcon. She even put him next to her bed, so that she could hear him fidgeting in the night..that would always bring a smile on her face, knowing that he is there. Then once the day came, when the falcon was healed completely...the girl was sure, that now they are unseparable, and was a bit surprised when her parents asked her to let the falcon go. She sat by the river for one day..talking to the falcon...telling him why she does not want to let him, go, and yet, wants to let him go. She tried to persuade the falcon, tried to show him, prove him, that this is an exceptional friendship, and both of them would only be sad if they left each other, but deep down, she knew, that it is not true love, which seizes to bound...love is when you respect what the other one wishes...even if you might know or feel that it is not the right thing...so you let your loved one go, if you need to, you help if you need to, you let him follow his own path, and only ask for blessing while he takes that road...because in true love..the "self" dissolves...the ego gives in to the force, that is greater than any...thinking this over, the girl gave a pet for the last time on the falcon's head ...told him to take good care of himself, wished him a good journey, much joy and closed her eyes...she could only feel the air disturbed by the falcon's wings as he gave himself back to the wilderness, his real home. From then on the girl went out every morning, and could not help to look up, in search of the falcon...she felt if a piece of her heart has flown away with the falcon...when she closed her eyes, she could see the meadows the falcon flew above, could smell the fresh air, and marvel at the sunset reflecting in his eyes as he stood on a cliff..there was a time, she wished as if this part of her heart was torn out, but by time, she learned to be thankful for this piece of her heart, because through those soul journeys, it brought her such joy, which she never even imagined. Has the falcon ever came back? Is it really of any importance? I leave it up to you to decide....
I thought last week that I will not be able to write any more, because...I am too weak, too confused, and the chaos inside me is too huge to overcome...but here I am writing, as if obiding a whisper of my heart, which is urging me to let my emotions flow through my words...let myself be cleansed through the sentences, let myself become visible...my true self that hides behind the monotony of the days...I guess it is truly necessary...as in the past days I felt the tension rising in me...not...finding a way out...the tension was coming from the fact that here has been a storm of emotion rushing at me, thoughts, feelings, moods, and I had to keep them all within me..I could not find the channel through wich I can let them manifest themselves...so this evening, after lighting some candles in my room, and gazing at their dancing beauty I decided to sit down and let the reckless horses free...the first intention was to tell you about my journey to Cesky Krumlov over the weekend, but somehow I ended up sharing with you the tale of the girl and the falcon...hope you don't mind...maybe tomorrow I can compensate you with a detailed picture of the world's most beautiful small city, Cesky Krumlov :)
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Tears..
Strange how these salty little pearls streaming down my face are the manifestations of my soul's pain..just sitting...outside the sun is shining..it is so awkward, my heart should be happy, rejoicing over the last rays of the summer sun making sure us..people, the nature are prepared for the melancholic autumn...but..my heart is heavy...heavy with pain...pain upon realising that Fate cannot be overwritten...there are paths...and some paths go the same directions...but some apart...and no matter how one would wish that certain paths would run the same way, if it has been separated by fate they cannot be forced otherwise...unless both paths have a magic pulll towards each other..if just one of them is ready to take up the battle with mighty Fate it is not enough...so this is what I've been trying to understand the whole day yesterday...that there is not much we can do to things we have not expected...in fact ...surprises always come when we least expect them...and the only we can do is to accept them...to cope with them...somehow...People change..their feelings change, their dreams alter...some once loved, are not loved any more...that is the law of life...always changing...providing happiness to one, and sadness to the other...giving good harvest one year, and no crops to harvest the other year.
Yesterday I spent the whole day in my room...I "planned" it so...I knew it will not be an easy day for me...I did not do much..just laid on my bed, and tried to fight agains the hurricane of emotions rushing at me. I knew I could not go to bed before midnight...I had to wait until the day turns, and it becomes today...because that is when a new era has to start in my life...I'm still weak to start, still want to go back to the world of mine, where there was always hope...slight though, but there was hope...today...that hope is lost...I need to start focusing on new hopes from now on...new, brighter, deeper and more fragranted hopes...hopes that reach out for my hand from up above and take me to the place where flowers cover the meadows, and butterflies land on my shoulders...
I read a book...The witch of Funtineli, from Albert Wass. An amazing book telling the reader about the lives of the people up in the snowy mountains in Transylvania...he uses magnificent associations, and has such picturesque descriptions, that I was stunned while reading it, and could not stop sinking deep into that strict, yet warm and love bonded world of his. There at one point the old shepherd told the young girl: If someone TRULY loves someone, he will cross even hell itself to let this someone know...and that was the point, where I gazed at the window, and understood...this is the only kind of love that is worth living for...waiting for...working for...and so I took a great effort, and searched for that silver thread in me...I knew that one end is connected to my heart, making it beat as if it was singing a certain song...I felt sorry for this heart of mine, as I knew I'm going to do something what she'll oppose...but I had to do it...because everything was over, the decision was made, and a part of my life has to be closed down...so I took all my strength...doodled something to my heart, to make her a bit calmed down...then with a sudden pull I tore the silver thread...my heart was gasping, crying as the old wound cracked open, and fresh blood started to flood over it...I detached the thread, and let it go to whereever it belongs...memories started to float away...pictures, moments, kisses, hugs...laughs, joy..and an emptyness remained...but this emptyness now was different then a bit less than a year ago...I told my heart...a new thread will be formed...I know it...one which will not let me abandoned..which will not only be attached so tightly to my heart, but on the other end as well, one which the moon and the stars will bless, and fairies will braid, and they will build all their good wishes into it...I told my heart she needs not to fear, but she needs to be a bit patient for now...until the old wound heals and becomes a scar, to remind us that true love never lets us down...and crosses even the gates of hell to make sure it is nurtured, and taken care of.
Something has changed today...I asked God to listen to my prayer, to give me strength, joy and many blessings to those who love each other, and I think He granted my wish to me...he freed me, and closed the doors of the past as to enable others doors to open up for me...doors that hide finally pleasant surprises...
Yesterday I spent the whole day in my room...I "planned" it so...I knew it will not be an easy day for me...I did not do much..just laid on my bed, and tried to fight agains the hurricane of emotions rushing at me. I knew I could not go to bed before midnight...I had to wait until the day turns, and it becomes today...because that is when a new era has to start in my life...I'm still weak to start, still want to go back to the world of mine, where there was always hope...slight though, but there was hope...today...that hope is lost...I need to start focusing on new hopes from now on...new, brighter, deeper and more fragranted hopes...hopes that reach out for my hand from up above and take me to the place where flowers cover the meadows, and butterflies land on my shoulders...
I read a book...The witch of Funtineli, from Albert Wass. An amazing book telling the reader about the lives of the people up in the snowy mountains in Transylvania...he uses magnificent associations, and has such picturesque descriptions, that I was stunned while reading it, and could not stop sinking deep into that strict, yet warm and love bonded world of his. There at one point the old shepherd told the young girl: If someone TRULY loves someone, he will cross even hell itself to let this someone know...and that was the point, where I gazed at the window, and understood...this is the only kind of love that is worth living for...waiting for...working for...and so I took a great effort, and searched for that silver thread in me...I knew that one end is connected to my heart, making it beat as if it was singing a certain song...I felt sorry for this heart of mine, as I knew I'm going to do something what she'll oppose...but I had to do it...because everything was over, the decision was made, and a part of my life has to be closed down...so I took all my strength...doodled something to my heart, to make her a bit calmed down...then with a sudden pull I tore the silver thread...my heart was gasping, crying as the old wound cracked open, and fresh blood started to flood over it...I detached the thread, and let it go to whereever it belongs...memories started to float away...pictures, moments, kisses, hugs...laughs, joy..and an emptyness remained...but this emptyness now was different then a bit less than a year ago...I told my heart...a new thread will be formed...I know it...one which will not let me abandoned..which will not only be attached so tightly to my heart, but on the other end as well, one which the moon and the stars will bless, and fairies will braid, and they will build all their good wishes into it...I told my heart she needs not to fear, but she needs to be a bit patient for now...until the old wound heals and becomes a scar, to remind us that true love never lets us down...and crosses even the gates of hell to make sure it is nurtured, and taken care of.
Something has changed today...I asked God to listen to my prayer, to give me strength, joy and many blessings to those who love each other, and I think He granted my wish to me...he freed me, and closed the doors of the past as to enable others doors to open up for me...doors that hide finally pleasant surprises...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)