Timeless

For more than half a year, I was living in the past...it did not matter what people around me said, it did not matter, how they tried their best to pull me out of the sea of memories..I let myself be carried by the current...I denied any help...I wanted to relive the moments lost..as I knew time could not be reversed, I chose to get lost in those moments when I felt complete...I could not put up with the change...I could not accept that life has moved on like a fast car...but without me...I got out of the car, and decided to wait..along the road.  I waited and waited, I searched the road, and waited for the car to pass by me again and pick me up. Storms crossed the sky, my hands froze, there was no shelter nearby..and I waited, because I believed...I believed that what I felt was true, and unique..something that could not be imitated, or lived without.  Then slowly...as time went on...I slipped from past to future...I was still waiting..along the road, but this time...with hope in my heart...I realized, I can turn towards the direction from where the car came, when it stopped and I got out, but maybe I should rather turn towards the direction where it went after I abandoned it...for another half year...I was living for the future...with new enthusiasm...believing again..that..the driver driving that car will come back for me and pick me up, because ....because I have the map...and he will never find the right way without my navigation and instinct...but by now...I understand...the driver does not need my compass...my map...maybe he never really wanted to get to the place I wished to show him....and even without a map...you can just drive...take some turns, go ahead, and get somewhere..and this place where you end up, can be a nice one...what you like...it's a question of luck..and what you decide to call nice. (a forest can be nice for some, but others could prefer the sea)

So now...I realized...I've been waiting and waiting...but never took the effort to look around...I was so much concentrated on the waiting itself, that slowly everything around me disappeared..and as the car did not come, my spirits grew darker...did it help? could I do anything to turn the car back? No...in addition, I lost all the chances of discovering what is around me...I did not rejoice over the sun that dried my clothes after the storm, because my mind, my whole body was in tense concentration..always alert...time to time I saw something shiny, and I managed to make myself believe that it is the sun reflected from the window of that car...but it was only an illusion..the driver was far...and getting further and further...and then...something happened...not sure what it was...maybe an angel who had enough of watching my yearning face along the road whispered to my ears:

Can the birds fly without wings?  Can a flower bloom without sunshine?  Can the soil get fertile without rain?  Can a human live without the air?  Can the moon shine without the sun?  Can the fish swim without water?

Then he went on:

Is the promise of the wing capable of making the birds fly?  Is the promise/hope of the sunshine enough to make a flower bloom?  Will the soil get fertile if you tell it that once there will be some rain?  Will a human be able to breath if he only dreams of the air?  Will the moon shine if you tell her a tale about the sun? Is it enough for the fish to imagine the water, to be able to swim?

And slowly...I started to understand...love is not about telling someone that you love her/him...love is not about nurturing an illusion..a faraway promise...love is not easy...it asks for sacrifices...it is fragile, therefore it has to be taken care of...it needs the will and commitment from both hearts...love is not about taking the easy road, but about the willingness of choosing the hard one, if that's the only way...love is not about resignation and abandonement, but about the willingness to fight if that's required.  There is no half love...it wants it all...all your heart...it is a warrior that defeats the ego, and does not know any compromise when it comes to the battle.  Love is fierce, but kind, once attained and nurtured, it gives you all and more you could ever dream of.  Love is not a definiton, it cannot be captured, understood, or even described fully, but through deeds it can be recognized.  You may tell your dog, you love him, but will it make him believe it if you never pet him, or walk with him?  You may tell your mother you love her, but will she believe it if you never visit her?  You may tell a man you love him, but can it truly be called love, if you choose to spend your life with another man?

It is unbelievable how much people are capable of not only fooling others, but themselves as well.  Their brain..and ego is a master of lies...it's loud, and seems to be smart...it compresses the voice of the "higher self" completely...and at the end..we believe the lies we created.  It brings with itself the illusion of happiness even, but...someone who has truly been happy before knows the difference..the heart knows the difference well.  Still some people are satisfied with the fake happiness, and decide to live their life in this bubble of illusion created by their ego.  Time to time when the lack of pure joy manifests itself, the soul awakens, and tries to remind us where we come from, and what we should seek for, but it is so easy to cover this weak cry with logic, thoughts, and fears. 

True joy can only be appreciated when true sadness is experienced.  A man does not really know what thirst means, until he has not been to the desert.  I know it will not be easy, but I will not give up my search for true joy, and true love.  I've seen so many "fake" feelings...so many compromises, so many lies people created to protect themselves from the voice of their soul, that the determination has been born in me...I will do what my soul agrees to, even if it will bring with itself a lot of hardships, lot of struggles and pain...that pain is still little in comparison to what I would have to face if I neglected the voice of my heart.

Since this recognition...past and future released me...they have been exchanged by the present...and now..there is no past...and no future any more...only the present moment...it is a sort of timelessness, which is still very new for me...it feels as if I was not able to differentiate between the days of the week...as if all the sudden my way of calculating the time has changed...I do not measure it based on when I started to work, or when I went home, or when the weekend will come...nope...there is candlelight..darkness...morning sun, noisy bus, crowded train...rushing people..always what surrounds me...what I can see, what I can feel..what I can experience in the given moment.  Not sure how long it will last...but for now I'm content, because it saves me from the shadows of the past, and from the not trusted promises of the future.