Transformation

Lately I have felt reserved...I tried to do a bit of research within me to see where this certain melancholy, this feeling of sadness is coming from...I could not identify it..it felt as if a part of me, that I did not manage to get near to....was suffering...a part which is a part of me, and yet an entity on its own...a part that is connected to me, but I am unable to change it...I started to fear, what if this part is going to overtake me completely?  People in the office started to ask me if everything is all right with me...because I seem to be far away...not present...not talking as much as I used to, not looking interested in my every day life.  It's true, I have also realized it...I fell silent, the words that used to run so feverously out of my mouth prefered to stay inside...the only way how I can open the gates for them, to go and explore the world is through writing...here...At first I tried to fight this state of being...I wanted my old self back...I wanted to meet the expectations of others..I wanted to give them back the "old" Dio...but...I realized, that it is not time for it...now is the time for a bit of dwelling inside...a bit of thinking, meditating, talking to my angels...So these days I wake up early, I read a bit, drink a coffee, watch the people going to work, walking on the pavement..then I head to work myself, I do what is my job, then I grab my bag and come home.  I make a tea, light a candle, sit down on the floor, or on the bed, time to time in the corner of the room, time to time in the other room, which is now empty..and read...and think...and feel...and strangely it is not something bad...it is not driven by sadness, or anger or anything of that sort...nope...it is driven by the wish to be at peace...calmed down...not rushing...just...paying attention to the world...trying to capture how all the molecules are in motion...trying to capture the stages, emotions, moods, thoughts flowing in to my room through my open window...in this moment some people are very happy, some rejoice over a long waited baby to be born..some confess their love to each other...some old people get a phone call from their children telling them they love them...on the other hand..some people die...some loose their lives in a car accident, some are diagnosed with an illness that cannot be cured....some couples break up....so many people...so many different paths, and so many different stops...and somehow all this is in harmony...in the eyes of God all this is balanced..and happening for the greater good. I know I will not be able to fully understand it, but these days it feels good for me to look at the world...and myself...as part of humanity from above...it is as if it is not me who is living my life...it feels like my soul decided to go in search of another perspective..so she flew up...found a comfortable star, sat on it...and with a binocular she is watching life on Earth as if it was a great puzzle..and slowly she is understanding that the pieces of this puzzle fit together, and they are where they belong.  You can maybe understand now, why  I must seem like a lunatic these days to my colleagues and friends...because though I am there...I am not really there...

As an example of the list of unusual acts, today I started the day with sending 2 messages...1 to my mom, telling her that I love her, and 1 to my sister telling her that I love her, and am thankful for the fact that she exists.  I felt the sudden urge inside me, commanding me to do this...to let them know...because they need to know, they must be assured, that I will always be there for them, and would give everything to make them happy.  The I continued my journey, and asked for God's blessing on people passing me by.  After that, I got on the bus, that decided to take an alternative route to the stop, so instead of 10 minutes it took 40...I saw the people starting to get worried, and I would have done the same, but today...I was happy to take part in some adventure..the sun was shining, so I was really content to take the scenic route :) At the stop, I gave some money to the old beggar lady, who reminds me of my grandma.  I was already in the office, getting hungry...when..a thought came to my mind...it was actually as if a voice deep within me would tell me the words: clean yourself...I am not sure how, but I knew what it meant...I decided not to eat meat for a while...I have this urge in me to become clean...inside...on the level of the soul, as much as on the level of the body.  Don't get me wrong, I like meat...but...by not eating meat, what I'd wish to eat...by saying no to the temptation, I can train my soul..and my will...and something tells me that if I concentrate a bit on how the body will beg me for some meat, how it will threaten me, shout in me and use every weapon to fulfill its wish, I will understand how weak I am...how easy it is to give priority to the body instead of the soul...and then...I will become aware even more what limitations it has to be a human.  If I cannot command the body...why do I wonder that so often the ego wins over our hearts?  Well..I'd like to let this ego of mine know, that I am not a puppet in her hand...I have a heart and soul, that has been pushed into the background more often than it should have, it is time for her to shine, and let love overflow her.

After work, we agreed with a friend of mine, that we will go for a walk...however we ran into a shop, where I wished to buy a pair of pants, and unfortunately we spent a bit more time there than we planned.  It got dark, by the time we headed home..and there was some change in ..the air...When we left the office, the sun was shining, it was hot..when we got to the street again, it was chilly, and dark...As I got off the bus, and made my way towards my flat...a sudden blow of the wind got my attention...It came out of nowhere, only to pick up the rusty leaves that lay under a chestnut tree...I came to a halt..looked down below my feet...there were the leaves..those brownish..reddish leaves, whirling in a circle about 20 centimeters above the cobble stones of the street, forming a kind of funnel...rattling, clinking, clattering in a sweet tone...as if they were talking to me...as if they carried a message, from far...a message they needed to deliver...and soon...through the wind, and rustling of leaves I managed to understand the word they carried...Aisiteru...I looked up to the sky, smiled, and enclosed the word in my heart...with a joy and satisfaction heating my veins and bones I continued my way home.