Tears..

Strange how these salty little pearls streaming down my face are the manifestations of my soul's pain..just sitting...outside the sun is shining..it is so awkward, my heart should be happy, rejoicing over the last rays of the summer sun making sure us..people, the nature are prepared for the melancholic autumn...but..my heart is heavy...heavy with pain...pain upon realising that Fate cannot be overwritten...there are paths...and some paths go the same directions...but some apart...and no matter how one would wish that certain paths would run the same way, if it has been separated by fate they cannot be forced otherwise...unless both paths have a magic pulll towards each other..if just one of them is ready to take up the battle with mighty Fate it is not enough...so this is what I've been trying to understand the whole day yesterday...that there is not much we can do to things we have not expected...in fact ...surprises always come when we least expect them...and the only we can do is to accept them...to cope with them...somehow...People change..their feelings change, their dreams alter...some once loved, are not loved any more...that is the law of life...always changing...providing happiness to one, and sadness to the other...giving good harvest one year, and no crops to harvest the other year. 

Yesterday I spent the whole day in my room...I "planned" it so...I knew it will not be an easy day for me...I did not do much..just laid on my bed, and tried to fight agains the hurricane of emotions rushing at me.  I knew I could not go to bed before midnight...I had to wait until the day turns, and it becomes today...because that is when a new era has to start in my life...I'm still weak to start, still want to go back to the world of mine, where there was always hope...slight though, but there was hope...today...that hope is lost...I need to start focusing on new hopes from now on...new, brighter, deeper and more fragranted hopes...hopes that reach out for my hand from up above and take me to the place where flowers cover the meadows, and butterflies land on my shoulders...

I read a book...The witch of Funtineli, from Albert Wass. An amazing book telling the reader about the lives of the people up in the snowy mountains in Transylvania...he uses magnificent associations, and has such picturesque descriptions, that I was stunned while reading it, and could not stop sinking deep into that strict, yet warm and love bonded world of his.  There at one point the old shepherd told the young girl: If someone TRULY  loves someone, he will cross even hell itself to let this someone know...and that was the point, where I gazed at the window, and understood...this is the only kind of love that is worth living for...waiting for...working for...and so I took a great effort, and searched for that silver thread in me...I knew that one end is connected to my heart, making it beat as if it was singing a certain song...I felt sorry for this heart of mine, as I knew I'm going to do something what she'll oppose...but I had to do it...because everything was over, the decision was made, and a part of my life has to be closed down...so I took all my strength...doodled something to my heart, to make her a bit calmed down...then with a sudden pull I tore the silver thread...my heart was gasping, crying as the old wound cracked open, and fresh blood started to flood over it...I detached the thread, and let it go to whereever it belongs...memories started to float away...pictures, moments, kisses, hugs...laughs, joy..and an emptyness remained...but this emptyness now was different then a bit less than a year ago...I told my heart...a new thread will be formed...I know it...one which will not let me abandoned..which will not only be attached so tightly to my heart, but on the other end as well, one which the moon and the stars will bless, and fairies will braid, and they will build all their good wishes into it...I told my heart she needs not to fear, but she needs to be a bit patient for now...until the old wound heals and becomes a scar, to remind us that true love never lets us down...and crosses even the gates of hell to make sure it is nurtured, and taken care of.

Something has changed today...I asked God to listen to my prayer, to give me strength, joy and many blessings to those who love each other, and I think He granted my wish to me...he freed me, and closed the doors of the past as to enable others doors to open up for me...doors that hide finally pleasant surprises...