The quest

Ouuu..sooo many things in my head..hard to figure out where to start! But...as it is Sunday evening now, and many ot things on my mind are the results of the weekend, I'll start dropping a few words about how it passed.

On Friday, I went home again...pretty stange in itself, as I was at home last weekend too, but..they said that the weather will be nice, and I wished to use this last opportunity to take a dip in the river.  On the way home I met my friend Zs. and from Fuzesabony, we were traveling together, sharing news.  By the time I got home, the air cooled down, the sky became populated with millions of stars, and I inhaled the sweet smell of home upon getting off of the train.  My brother took me home, I had lecso for supper and was about to get to bed.  I walked into my room, turned on the light...and...what did I see?  Well...someone was sitting on my bed..it was not the bear I always slept with at home (a bear I got from M. a long time ago)..nope..it was an old, yet unknow bear. He was sitting on my pillow, and little letter was attached to him.  The letter said: "Dearest Dioka..you might not know me yet, my name is Moric.  I am going to be your new friend, who will guard your dreams, to whom you can cuddle during the night. I was waiting for you, and now I am very happy that you are at home..as I was waiting for a loooong time for you...and just wanted you to know, that...there is always someone who rejoices when you arrive." I sat down, looked at the bear...hugged him, and...my heart was overflown with happiness.  After 5 minutes of giving myself to the this precious feeling, I walked over to my mom's room, and hugged her.  I told her thank you, and laughed...with a joyous laugh that was coming from the depth of my heart.  This was a form of love...a manifestation of someone caring about me...which..I started to forget.  I was getting so much used to not receiving any surprises...not getting messages, not being called on the phone...like that, that it almost brought tears to my ears.  A year ago, these kind of surprises were often...I was getting little packages, letters I did not expect, small gifts, videos, songs via emails...and...soon they became "regular" for me...what a fool I was!  I got used to them, as if I was entitled to those...a year had to pass without any surprises like that, so that finally when one appeared I'd appreciate it as I should have done with all of them....Man truly learns what something is worth, when she looses it..but thank God it does not mean that thing is lost forever...if we really learnt the lesson, and we are ready for taking them and respecting them as we should, they come back.

After the night with Gyuszi, the next morning contained another surprise.  My sister and her family came to visit.  They never announced it, so we were not prepared, yet, were very happy they turned up!  My sister and her husband were talking with mom and dad, and I was left with the 2 little devils, my godchildren, Jona and Kami.  We played for hours, ran around in the courtyard, wrestled, laughed and had fun.  For a couple hours I became a child again, and it felt so great to be free of all worries, and thoughts.  They did not want to it, only if I decided to eat as well.  It happened after we finished the lunch (we ate on the terrace, while the "adults" ate inside) that Kami asked me a question.  She asked: "How come that lately you don't bring Misi with yourself to Olaszliszka?" A sudden lightning struck me, and though I heard what she said, I did not want to understand it. (In the meantime the talking inside, and the clutching of silvervare died out -everyone was listening attentively.) I asked Kami again to repeat what she asked. So she asked the question again, and added: "you know Misi, your boy" I told her, that he is not my boy any more. So she went on: "But why? He loves you, no?" So I told her, nope Kami he does not love me any more.  Still it was not enough for her...I felt my face freezing, and if she was an adult I would have told her to stop, but she is a very precious girl I love so I needed all my strength to stay calm and answer her.  She said: "Well...anyway then..he will not find another love for himself" I could not say much to that, just silently commented, that he has already found one.  For a while everything fell silent, and I needed to chase them around the table, as if I was the monster ready to eat them, to be able to push away the thick air that fell on the table, the terrace and even the kitchen inside.  My sister was marveling at what Kami said, as she never ever mentioned anything about me, or M and now...out of the blue, she asked the question.  Strange, you'd think the kids are not aware of what's going on, while they are more aware than anyone else! I only decided to write that down, because ...just a couple days ago, someone felt awkward about a dream..and now...in my case...it was not a dream, but reality, and ...truly I felt awkward too. 

In the afternoon I went to the river with my dog, and my brother.  The water was cold, lately the temperature drops to 3 degrees during the night. My brother reassured me, that I am not completely normal, and to empasize that, he did not even come to the river.  Even the dog had to be persuaded for a long time.  The sun was shining, but the wind was cool..yet, the crystal clear water, and the chance of swimming drew me into its frosty world.  I swam for about an hour, got refreshed, my muscles had been worked, and I headed home, with a content smile on my face.  In the evening we took a walk and it was not yet 10 pm, when I was already in bed :)

The Sunday passed as usual, some oversleeping, delicious lunch, packing, and catching the train back.  On the train this time though there was an old couple. I sat down next to them, as the shouting and screaming of the teenagers in the carriage frightened me away.  The couple was so sweet, so harmonious, so peaceful, I can hardly tell.  They were not the tipical village people, nope.  You could tell, that once they have been traveling a lot, they knew other cultures, languages, they were intelligent, and a certain air of elegance hovered around them.  The old lady was not full of sorrow, or lamentation over a hurting leg...she was dressed sportily, but the colourful sweater that resembled a kind of patchwork showed a bit of boheme like nature.  Her eyes were gleaming and blue.  As I looked into her eyes, I did not see an old lady, but a reckless girl, who is ready for any adventure, any time...those were the eyes of someone, who did not regret anything...who lived a complete life, and would not change a thing, even if she had the chance to.  The power of peace and satisfaction "that everything is in order" radiated from her.  It felt good to look at her!  I thought...this is the kind of old lady, I'd like to become one day!  The old man was curious, he could not stand to ask me :) He wanted to know if I go to school, where I travel etc.  Just before they were about the get off, he asked me: So do you have a boyfriend in Budapest?  I told him: No.  He said, well be careful, choose one, who stays with you no matter what...because you see...with this lady...we have been together now for 55 years! 

This was the sign I was looking for.  All right...it seems like I really need to get deeper into this love topic.  For a few days now, some questions appeared in my mind that all circled around one center: love.  Questions like:  Is it possible to love 2 people at the same time?  Is it really true that time heals the wounds?  If yes, how can it be?  Is time more powerful than love?  (I could not agree with that) Maybe...time does not heal the wound of love, but something else...maybe that was a wound of not real love...but...a misunderstanding...and many questions like that...some I started to answer, but then...again...love cannot be "understood" so much by the logic, so obviously I am not looking for defining love, rather just getting closer to it.  In that I've got some help of course...I started to read Muller Peter's Book about love again.  I read it once, but now I realized, I was not paying attention to some very important details!  So now, with an open mind and heart, I will try to make it a part of me again. 

Just as I started to get a deep in the subject I realized, that the quest will be similar to finding a pearl at the bottom of the ocean.  Just with the question: can we love 2 people at the same time I needed to face some hardships when I wanted to be precise.  Did I want to ask: love 2 people, or be in love with 2 people.  Hmm, huge difference!  One can love many, but...to be in love with many...there is where the root of the problem starts to appear.  Being in love assumes a sort of unconditionality, and exclusiveness.  Nobody would like to share the person he or she is in love with.  But then...being in love (szerelem in Hungarian), how does that connect to the love (szeretet)....that is something I will need to get back to in another chapter, otherwise this post is going to exceed my readers' patience. 

An additional reason for me to start researching a bit this topic was, that I really started to doubt...if...if I am not going insane.  Here is why: I collected a number of wounds...one huge one, and some smaller ones.  So...most of the people..do not really like the person they received the wound from..in fact, many hate that person.  But...not me...even if my heart had to withstand the shower of spiky steel arrows that fell on my heart making it bleed, I could not feel any hate towards the person...more than that, I ..I could only feel sorry for him!  I felt sorry for him, because somehow..through some undescribable link I understood what he needs to face...his inner Higher self, in a stage of his life, when his ego, his Lower self is more powerful...there is no balance, and though he manages to hear his Higher self, he is not able to be friends with him..and this of course creates chaos, sufferings, unsecurity, doubts and not right judgements...which..eventually can lead to the person not ...being a friend of himself...not loving himself...and then...depriving himself of the chance of loving anyone else.  Now..this I did not intend to tell anyone.  All I said was, that no matter whatever happened, no matter how much time passed, how far he may be, I still hold a special place in my heart for him.  It does not mean, that I forget his mistakes, and make an angel of him, nope, but!  I wish as much happiness for him as I do for myself, because I am aware that we are humans, we err, we might not always treat others as we should, but we all are capable of loving, and we all deserve happiness.  Sometimes it comes to early..we don't even recognize it...we are not mature for it yet...and as we are not prepared for it, we loose it...we throw it away, because we become afraid of it...we rather choose something we know..even if it is not good, as opposed to choosing the grand we don't know yet...So as I had a bit better insight to where this person stands, I kept on helping him invisibly, and praying for his well being and happiness..but when I told this to some, they did not really understand it.  They thought that is not how I should react..and...this "opinion" was so strong I started to think myself, that I went insane...if my reaction is not as it is natural for others, maybe..I'm getting crazy...so that was another thing triggering my quest to experience, and see love. 

This evening...on the way back to Budapest, I saw the setting sun, and followed how the dusk turned into night.  The multitude of colours, the appearence of shades was so spectacular that I gave thanks to God for letting me experience it.  I felt that I am privileged, for having the opportunity to sit on the train and watch this miracle.  It was so mind blowing, I started to cry silently...and then...a thought appeared in my mind...Love is when no matter what you did, how you behaved, or maybe even hurt the person..it is the assurance, that should you ever get in trouble, should you be in the need of a caring hand, a few good words, or just some guidance...it is the assurance that you can count on that person you love...in whatever circumstances.  Should the world be falling apart, meteors falling from the sky, should everything turn upside down....it is the assurance that everything can change, but one thing is not changing...and that is the love...love in itself, towards God or another person.  I thought about it a bit...and evoked the faces of all the people I'd go to, if I was in real need...I think...that was a good proof for me, that my love for them is coming from a pure source, and if I feel like I could come to them any time, and they'd take me as I am..torn, or sick, or wounded...they must be aware of the special link connecting us to one another as well.