Today...in the afternoon...I woke up with a heavy head..I felt tired, thirsty and weak..last night we had a party with friends and colleagues not far away from Budapest, in the garden of a guy from our team. My friend Zs gave me a ride there, and we were rather toned by the time we got to the place, as we were listening to Daft Club on the way there...it seemed a bit movie like..2 girls, riding in the car, listening to very loud, electronic music, passing people, staring at us..then on the highway we met a caravan of cars, that were lead, and backed up by police cars, and policemen on motorbikes..at first we thought it was some important person being accompanied, but the multitude of cars enclosed between the police was strange...then we saw the ribbons on the cars, and it turned out that those cars belonged to people going to a wedding...we passed them by, and..there was a moment when it felt like I'm only dreaming it all...never thought something like that can happen..a wedding party backed up by the police...it was like a movie coming alive, and me being a part of it! I was already curious to see what the next chapter has in store for us :)
And well, in the next chapter we arrived to our friend, sat down, and were delighted to see and taste the great variety of cheeses, wine and lots of other snacks. People kept on arriving until 9ish, and at the end we had about a party of 20 people. It felt great to be away from the city, to sense the chilly August breeze on our arms, to smell the smoke originating from the fire, on which the guys were grilling salmon and vegetables. As the night covered us with its velvety blanket, our spirits started to rise...maybe due to the number of drinks that slipped down on those thirsty throats :) Though it was getting a bit cold, nobody seemed to be freezing, people's faces were beaming, and laughter was echoing from everywhere. Little by little, we got rid of any convention...any ties that make the people behave in a certain way when they are in a certain company..based on what the expectations of this company are, and also based on how they would like the others to perceive them...these "masks" and "rules" have dissolved, and people let the steam off....I like it when we reach this stage, because that is when I can take a deeper journey to other people's soul...I know how they behave, or think when they are in a "bordered" environment, but I love to explore what is behind the borders...and see the other side of the coin too. Last night I was given the opportunity to make several journeys, that enabled me to colour the picture drawn by my soul of friends, based on earlier perceptions. I was joyous to see how those pictures came alive by adding some vivid colours, and deeper shades of violet and emerald green to the portrait. I had some very honest conversations, and people shared things with me to which I was blind till now...also I learned a lot..about focusing on the road, and not on the goal, about being faithful to myself, even if it brings with itself the indignation of others....these talks placed my vision of some people into a new light, a light in which, hidden desires, dreams, visions could be seen and discovered. That night it was a full moon, it shone with all her glory on the merry company of ours, silently smiling, and making us believe, that everything we dream of is within our reach. I stared at her, and the stars that tried to get near her...she showed her strength, in a gentle, but determined way...because those stars that got too close to her were outshone by her diamond glimmer...she was up there, out of reach for everyone who tried to capture, and own her...I thanked her for sharing that night with us, for providing me the light, in which so many new faces of my friends could be discovered. To make the night truly memorable, I even managed to see a falling star, a traveler that has left behind numerous kilometers, battling time and distance and every other hurdles the Universe put in its way...only to fulfill its fate...to disappear in front of my eyes in the fraction of a second...giving me the pleasure of releasing a wish from the prison of my heart.
The night for me ended at around 3 AM. I traveled home in the car of a colleague, and was very thankful for that, as I would not have had the energy to lay down in the garden, and wake up after 2 or 3 hours of sleep to catch the early train to the city. After arriving home, I got rid of my clothes and fell into bed...did not even have time to take a shower...I slept till about 10:30 and woke up with a somewhat sore head...and some hunger in my stomach. I knew in that moment, that this day will be designated to the silent resting..as I still felt out of power. After some breakfast (lunch?) I spent some time trying to make my second room look a bit more cozy. The thing is..my flatmate moved out...she came to the stage in her life of founding a family on her own, in her hometown....so now her room is empty..and it seemed truly dead after she took away all the furniture, curtain and decorations. It felt so sad to look in there, that I could not bear it, so today I rearranged some things in my room, and carried over some stuff to the other one...I'm satisfied :) it's looking much more comfortable now...I'm thinking I will make it to be my studio...my base, where I will be dealing with things that help me "feed" my artistic and creative me. Once I'll have my camera, I hope to store my best shots there!
Then...lead by the gentle touch of an instinct, I turned on my radio. The following song was playing there (I need to share it, because otherwise the feelings, experiences attached to the mood it created in me cannot be transmitted completely to the reader): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHU2r3-VUzY&feature=related It is a song from Malcolm Mclaren, called "About her". I laid down and let myself be carried away on the wings of its tunes...I closed my eyes, and saw forests..cliffs, oceans...and a girl...searching...at least for the first time it looked like she is searching...but in fact it was not a search..there was nothing troublesome, worrying, or hurrying in the act of hers...so I realized, she was not searching, because...because... she had it all, she was content, smiling, and only exchanging love with the world...inhaling the sweet fragrance of the mountain breeze, bathing in the fresh streams, letting the waterdrops playing with her skin, feeling the solidity of the mountain in her heart, and the power of the water flowing through her veins, and in return, letting the love of her heart embrace the world, sharing the brillance of her inner world with the Universe..nature, that understands her ....She was there...but not where people would look for her.
After the song ended, I was still laying on my bed, curled up...when the moment of "perfect Sunday afternoon" just rushed at me. There were no cars passing by on the street, I could hear the faraway noise of the city through the opened windows. The room was bathing in the light of the sun that already made more than halfway through of his journey accross the sky. You know, the light, intensity, the colour of the afternoon sunrays are much more different than those of the morning ones. The morning sunrays enclose power, brightness, energy in themselves..they stimulate me to go and do something, to work, to reach out for what I need...they bring with themselves the hope, and courage..they carry inside the energy, the driving force that is needed to get what we dream of. But the afternoon sunrays are much different...they are calmer, lazier..they inspire me for relaxing...after the hard work of the morning has been done...they fall heavy on my eyelids...there is a certain standstill in them...for a while they make me believe that the moment is frozen...and for some reason I feel like I do not want to break this immobility...in those moments I bow my head in front of the charm of the afternoon sun...I do as he asks, let myself fall...without objection, to the depth of the soft tranquility... only to find myself between huge pillows filled with the finest feathers upon arrival. I was enchanted...I was surrounded by harmony, and felt a sort of contentment, that paralised me..I could not...and did not want to move...just wished to give myself completely to the moment, to be able to savour every single taste it has to offer...to be able to be absorbed fully in it.....to give myself the satisfaction of melting into its yellow green melancholy.
Sunday, 14 August 2011
Sunday, 7 August 2011
The cats are back!
I have 3 cats...wooden ones, who are carved so, that they can perfectly sit on the edge of a table..these cats were put into my "do not touch" box, at the end of last november. I missed them a lot, but I could not bear to see them, because every time I looked at them, the memories of them singing happily crept into my mind, and I became sad. I thought of those joyful moments being lost, and I felt guilty, and helpless. Today however, I decided to set them free. I opened the box, and took Ahmed, Basir and Ibrahim (these are their names) and placed them on the table where they used to sit. They looked confused, shy, and embarrassed. None of them dared to smile or look at me. I sat in front of them on the carpet, looked at them and petted their heads. A very weak miauw came from Basir (he was always the bravest). He looked at me with huge eyes, filled with a touch of guiltiness. I took pity on them, and decided to explain them, what just happened. I told them, I am sorry for imprisoning them for so long...I told them, that what happened was not their fault, and they do not need feel bad. I asked for their forgiveness for the fact that because of my own despair, I caged them in, not taking into account to how much joy they contributed to in my life. They tried to comfort me, and tried to tell me that they feel sad for ... for the rough moments of the past months. I told them, that I learned a lot from this heartbreak, that I've discovered things I would not have been able, if it did not happen. It is now, that I can look back on the past 2 - 3 years of my life, and who I was...it is unbelievable in a way...and not always very cheerful what I find while taking this journey into my past. The worst part is when I take an overview of the "old me" when I was doing shiftwork. When I was in it...I did not even notice..I just felt tired all the time, but...now I see how stressed and imbalanced I was...how all my suffering and bad mood was transmitted to the people I love...how I was not myself at all at that time..always complaining, never satisfied...honestly, it gives me the shiver to think about it, what a pain in the backside I was for people who were close to me. Thank God it is over, and I am much more calmed down, have more time for myself, and feel a lot more balanced. I told the cats, that in the beginning stage of my misery, after the breakup, I was still very much self centered. I felt sorry not so much for what I was not able to give to the person I loved, but fore missing what I've been given... Because I got a lot! I got love, confidence, support, stability, security, balance, warmth, joy, magic...and all this I was not able to treaure...for some reason I thought I can take them for granted..what a fool I was!!! Then...when I lost it, I realized truly what a huge mistake I've made.....I was never even able to express how much thankful I am for these things..I was nurturing a love in my heart, but I was not really able to make the other person know about it...there were moments, when it came to the surface..when the circumstances were perfect enough for this love to overflow me, but looking at the whole picture I did not do too well, aaaand there we go...Fate had enough of my little games, He had to teach me through the hard lesson...and so soon I moved into the next stage, in which I missed the fact that I did not have the chance of giving joy, love, confidence, security, warmth, and magic. By today...I understood, I cannot go on just always regretting what I could not do...by today...there is a river of love flowing in me...a river, that lets its love flow freely...it takes the ship whereever it wants to go..without objection...but if a ship decides to berth on its shore, she does all to embrace it. I learned that love is not the art of tying something to ourselves, to make sure we have it all the time, at our disposal, but to let it go...because what we let go, goes if it needs to go, but stays with us if it has to stay. The cats listened patiently at my monologue, and then nodded their head in agreement. Now they are joyfully sitting on my table, making my room and spirits brighter, even singing soft melodies for me to cheer me up :)
Yesterday I took a train, and traveled to Hegyeshalom. I visited my very good friend Mari there. She waited me at the station, and took me to the home of her sister. We had very delicious szekely kaposzta for lunch, then the adventure started. We got into the car, and drove to Dunakiliti. There are the remnants of a not finished water energy plant. We were allowed to walk on its top, and stare at the enourmous quantity of water flowing through, with such power, that I have hardly ever seen from such short distance. As we were standing there and I looked over the volume of water, I could not help it...I kept my mouth open, gasping while witnessing the water creating huge waves..making it look like as if the river was boiling. The water, an element that can look so still and smooth, can also be devastating, destroying everything that stands in its way. A material, that is liquid, see through, and can hardly be contained in the palm of our hands, can become reckless and wash away all hurdles that prevents her of being free, and then, by caging her in like that, she can produce a massive amount of energy! After the short contemplation, we walked on, got down to the bank of the river, where we decided to walk into it till knee height, and spent the time by collecting pretty stones from the riverbed. The sun was shining, some guys were relaxing on the other side of the river, that was already Slovakia. I bent over, took some water and washed my hands, and my neck too, to cool me down on that hot day. I stood there in the river, looked around, and I made a journey in time, to my childhood, when I'd be at home, with my family on the bank of the river that flows close to my home...it would be the time without worries, when the sun would be setting, and I would feel that everything is perfect...a moment, when I would not want to change anything at all...when my mind and heart would be in harmony with the world surrounding me....as I was standing there yesterday, listening to the river, watching the sun rays cast my shadow on it surface, smelling the fragrance of the natural water below me...I had this feeling again...that "here and now" everything is perfect, and I am complete. I could have stood there for hours, just watching the trees, the river...the stones...but we had to get going...we had some other villages to visit, and some nice landscapes to marvel at. We stopped at another beach, where we had ice cream, then at Mosonmagyarovar, where Mari shared with me stories of her childhood. We walked around the ancient castle, and sat a bit by the lake. It was a great day, I enjoyed it so much, that I did not even realize the time passing by...none of my cells wished to get on the train that took me back to Budapest.
After a looooong night sleep though today I went again to the river :) with Zee. We wanted to take a walk on Margit island, but it was packed with people, so we decided to sit down on a dock (old, wooden one) that reached quite far in to the Danube river. The afternoon was what I'd call THE sunday afternoon. We had nothing to do, no plans, no rush...just sitting there, watching the old, colourful brick houses on the other side of the river..enjoying the swinging of the dock every time a ship passed by and the wawes hit the barrels on which the dock was constructed. We laid down and paid very careful attention to the performances of the sky theater above us. The clouds went on and off stage, they met...loved each other, kissed, melted into each other then said goodbye..some forever...some temporarily..to gain some strength and then meet again somewhere above another country joining into one, and making the soil fertile of that faraway land. I enjoyed being there, talking to Zee, letting her fill me up with energy, smiling, lauging, sharing with me what lies in her, and me sharing with her my thoughts, and emotions. I wish I could be so calm, accepting, open, and fresh more often...this afternoon, this dock, the river chased away the dark clouds of my mind, and replaced it with a blue sky and fluffy clouds. I am much thankful for this time...and wish for everyone to reach that peace of mind...at least once in a while...
Yesterday I took a train, and traveled to Hegyeshalom. I visited my very good friend Mari there. She waited me at the station, and took me to the home of her sister. We had very delicious szekely kaposzta for lunch, then the adventure started. We got into the car, and drove to Dunakiliti. There are the remnants of a not finished water energy plant. We were allowed to walk on its top, and stare at the enourmous quantity of water flowing through, with such power, that I have hardly ever seen from such short distance. As we were standing there and I looked over the volume of water, I could not help it...I kept my mouth open, gasping while witnessing the water creating huge waves..making it look like as if the river was boiling. The water, an element that can look so still and smooth, can also be devastating, destroying everything that stands in its way. A material, that is liquid, see through, and can hardly be contained in the palm of our hands, can become reckless and wash away all hurdles that prevents her of being free, and then, by caging her in like that, she can produce a massive amount of energy! After the short contemplation, we walked on, got down to the bank of the river, where we decided to walk into it till knee height, and spent the time by collecting pretty stones from the riverbed. The sun was shining, some guys were relaxing on the other side of the river, that was already Slovakia. I bent over, took some water and washed my hands, and my neck too, to cool me down on that hot day. I stood there in the river, looked around, and I made a journey in time, to my childhood, when I'd be at home, with my family on the bank of the river that flows close to my home...it would be the time without worries, when the sun would be setting, and I would feel that everything is perfect...a moment, when I would not want to change anything at all...when my mind and heart would be in harmony with the world surrounding me....as I was standing there yesterday, listening to the river, watching the sun rays cast my shadow on it surface, smelling the fragrance of the natural water below me...I had this feeling again...that "here and now" everything is perfect, and I am complete. I could have stood there for hours, just watching the trees, the river...the stones...but we had to get going...we had some other villages to visit, and some nice landscapes to marvel at. We stopped at another beach, where we had ice cream, then at Mosonmagyarovar, where Mari shared with me stories of her childhood. We walked around the ancient castle, and sat a bit by the lake. It was a great day, I enjoyed it so much, that I did not even realize the time passing by...none of my cells wished to get on the train that took me back to Budapest.
After a looooong night sleep though today I went again to the river :) with Zee. We wanted to take a walk on Margit island, but it was packed with people, so we decided to sit down on a dock (old, wooden one) that reached quite far in to the Danube river. The afternoon was what I'd call THE sunday afternoon. We had nothing to do, no plans, no rush...just sitting there, watching the old, colourful brick houses on the other side of the river..enjoying the swinging of the dock every time a ship passed by and the wawes hit the barrels on which the dock was constructed. We laid down and paid very careful attention to the performances of the sky theater above us. The clouds went on and off stage, they met...loved each other, kissed, melted into each other then said goodbye..some forever...some temporarily..to gain some strength and then meet again somewhere above another country joining into one, and making the soil fertile of that faraway land. I enjoyed being there, talking to Zee, letting her fill me up with energy, smiling, lauging, sharing with me what lies in her, and me sharing with her my thoughts, and emotions. I wish I could be so calm, accepting, open, and fresh more often...this afternoon, this dock, the river chased away the dark clouds of my mind, and replaced it with a blue sky and fluffy clouds. I am much thankful for this time...and wish for everyone to reach that peace of mind...at least once in a while...
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Thoughts of August
I've got so many things on my mind, I am not even sure where to start...Maybe..with the weekend..
Last Friday, I decided to travel home..the day in the office was a bit hectic, so I almost managed to miss my last train..I believe it happens every time because I hate to rush..and as I hate it, I happen to find myself in situations, where I need to rush, and need to face my inner frustration and fears...I did well...just had to run a bit, but finally caught the train! Until Mezokovesd I was traveling with my friend R. he kept me company, we had some chat and the time seemed to fly by. After he got off, we soon arrived to Miskolc, and the train emptied. Me and 2 other people were sitting in the dimly lit vagon, waiting for the engine to be switched, so that we could head to the North East corner of my country, that after many curves and turn, going through hills and fields, the old locomotive would deliver me home, to the caring and loving hands of my family. It was already dark, the station was deserted..and it started to rain..it felt like I was in a different world, a different time, and I am not even me any more..I looked at the scene, and had the feeling of watching a movie...the passengers, the loudspeaker informing us which train is to leave and when..the vagon, the burnt out lightbulbs..I looked around and decided I need to write this down..I took my little notebook, a pen, and jotted down some feelings that appeared associated with the peculiar set of the evening. A guy entered the train, asked me to watch over his things, some were smoking while waiting...the lack of light painted everything yellow around us, it coated my train, the station, the people with a layer of dusk. I did not notice the time passing by, but then we started to move and I put away my notebook. For a while I entertained myself following the paths of the raindrops hitting the window, but then stood up, pulled the window down, and bent over...little drops of water were making my face wet, some people stared at me stunned, but I did not mind...I wanted to smell the fields we passed by, and though I could not see much of them, the smells helped me discover them..sunflower fields, wheat, barley fields..after the smells of the city my lungs rejoiced upon me giving them the chance of being filled with the pure and fresh smell of nature. I inhaled deeply, and smiled. As our train was rattling on, I saw villages afar, homes..streets, lamps...it was a strange feeling to be traveling at that time of the night...I imagined those homes, and associated them with security, warmth, trust, cozyness...I looked at them longing..wishing if I could be at home, surrounded by loved ones, and all those who are dear to my heart...I did not want to be the one on the train...just letting it to carry me wherever...I wished to arrive..but not just geographically..I wanted to arrive to the place where my heart feels complete. All the sudden the feeling of loneliness overcame me, but instead of letting it overwhelm me, I started to concentrate on the breeze caressing my face, the rain purifying me...soon after that, I spotted the Tokaj mountain, and I knew I'm at home...the familiar sight of the vineyards, hills and the river calmed me down, and I was thankful for the mulitude of sentiments that introduced themselves to me during the journey.
The weekend passed by quickly, the highlight of it was the Saturday evening, when my mom and I were invited for a "party" to my brother (he lives downstairs :) ). He prepared a lot, created an inspiration setting for us, little lamps lit, the whole room dressed in the shades of red and orange. We had some good wine (bought from the neighbours) while listened to some meditational music. We talked too, but the greatest was when we just sat, closed our eyes, and traveled to far away places. I had the vision of being on a mountain top....on the edge of the cliff...I was a chinese girl, and was feeling in unity with everything around me. I looked around me, underneath my feet was the depth of the valley, and vast forests. Some eagles were flying, I could hear the clash of the far away waterfalls...I was practising, making moves as to learn unifying my soul with my body...behind me was a small wooden house..my home..with a little garden...and cherry trees...then the scene was changed, and I found myself in a garden...a gentle breeze was blowing, and the flowers of the cherry trees were flying all over in the air..sticking in my hair, landing on my white clothes...the fragrance was sweet and yet refreshing...I stood there...and I felt like I am waiting for someone, who is just about to enter the garden, but is ashamed for some reason, and wishes to hide behind the tree...I was waiting patiently, looking ahead, and strangely was not worried, or scared..I stood there calm...my soul content....I knew that this is the most important meeting of my life...but...here the vision ended...and I was pulled back to reality, to the room of my brother. Not sure where he has been to, but my mom shared her vision with me...she saw me dancing around a bonfire...to be honest it was a very strange experience...I am not sure about past lives..but it certainly felt like...I've been to these places, I've been those people, and I've lived through what they let me have a glimpse at on this special evening.
The Sunday was a bit less magical, as the 2nd of August was drawing closer, my spirits started fall. That is special day, and I knew it will not be easy for me to "survive" it...it brought with itself a lot of thoughts, memories..I felt like it is imprisoning me...because I so much had the taste to...but I couldn't. I did not know how..and decided the best thing to do is to pray and ask for God's blessing on those people who were born that day. This was the only "middle way" I could come up with...
Aaand today is much brighter...firstly I was very much happy about the comment I received for my previous post. There are certain moments, feelings, moods, atmospheres that let us run through the colours of the rainbow, and we can easily jump through them, but I've learnt to "capture" these moments..I try to look carefully, pay attention, and remember...associate with smells, visions, words...I believe these moments..certain situations could bring different feelings for everyone...obviously I know only my inner world, and how it affects me..but already that is so compound, and so magical that I feel the urge of sharing it....so I try to capture it via writing them down, or taking a photo of them, or making a poem about them...I try to use all tools that are at my disposal, and I am so happy to see that there are some people for whom it is "understandable" and possible to identify with. I admit I was a bit afraid that people are so much more different..and they would not understand the depths of my inner world...but I am happy if by sharing a bit of it, it can enrich the life of others too, so..thanks Anonymus!
Another great thing that happened today is that we started to organize our trip to Cesky Krumlov!!!!! I am sooooo thrilled about that. I've heard a lot about the place, saw pictures and I am extremely keen on visiting it! When I talked to my mom, she was a bit sad about the fact that it is already August..and true...I feel like the summer is slipping through my fingers...but what I truly love is the Autumn...with her delicate colourful dress, blue eyes, read hair..the lady with a melancholic smile...I can hardly wait for her to arrive, and with a wave of her hand transform the green leaves into gold, red and orange, wrap small villages into fog, and make the fruits ripe while dancing through the vineyards. I'v not taken any holiday in the summer, but I have some saved for the Autumn. I hope to have my new camera by then, and be able to preserve some of its beauty for the stillness of the winter. So Cesky Krumlov is on the plan for September, and then...if there are still some days left, I hope to make another trip..to either Krakow, or somewhere in Slovakia (maybe Praha...uhh..the lovely Praha) alone...I long for a little room..or house in the nature (if I choose Slovakia - hopefully Vysoke Tatry) I'd take my notebook, a pen..some books, my camera, and I'd spend those days writing, walking, smelling, relaxing, putting together puzzles...drinking tea...cooking...sitting next to the fireplace, listening to the crackling of the wood inside..watching the dancing embers...mmmm....I know what I'll dream about tonight!!!
The last little piece of joy for today was, that I talked to a colleague, and he ...well...he told me that he thinks my flat is like a "vampire home". I did not feel offended...I liked the idea, and soon it rang a bell! A while ago, I used to be "kis vampiiiir" but..recently she kind of disappeared..though I liked her..she was childish, wild, reckless, but playful...I had too many "heavy" things on my mind, so I completely put her aside.. (moje mala vampiiiirko, moc na tebe myslim...a virtual vampire pal used to say to me) I think it is because her verfarkas set off, and decided to explore the world...went away in search of a verfarkas girl...but! kis vampiiir..needs to be strong...she needs to gain back authority, and this colleague unwillingly opened my eyes to that!
So..kis vampiiiir is getting a bit tired, she still needs to take a shower, and read a bit before sinking into the fluffy dreamclouds...but..all in all, I'm thankful for this day...I feel alive again!
Last Friday, I decided to travel home..the day in the office was a bit hectic, so I almost managed to miss my last train..I believe it happens every time because I hate to rush..and as I hate it, I happen to find myself in situations, where I need to rush, and need to face my inner frustration and fears...I did well...just had to run a bit, but finally caught the train! Until Mezokovesd I was traveling with my friend R. he kept me company, we had some chat and the time seemed to fly by. After he got off, we soon arrived to Miskolc, and the train emptied. Me and 2 other people were sitting in the dimly lit vagon, waiting for the engine to be switched, so that we could head to the North East corner of my country, that after many curves and turn, going through hills and fields, the old locomotive would deliver me home, to the caring and loving hands of my family. It was already dark, the station was deserted..and it started to rain..it felt like I was in a different world, a different time, and I am not even me any more..I looked at the scene, and had the feeling of watching a movie...the passengers, the loudspeaker informing us which train is to leave and when..the vagon, the burnt out lightbulbs..I looked around and decided I need to write this down..I took my little notebook, a pen, and jotted down some feelings that appeared associated with the peculiar set of the evening. A guy entered the train, asked me to watch over his things, some were smoking while waiting...the lack of light painted everything yellow around us, it coated my train, the station, the people with a layer of dusk. I did not notice the time passing by, but then we started to move and I put away my notebook. For a while I entertained myself following the paths of the raindrops hitting the window, but then stood up, pulled the window down, and bent over...little drops of water were making my face wet, some people stared at me stunned, but I did not mind...I wanted to smell the fields we passed by, and though I could not see much of them, the smells helped me discover them..sunflower fields, wheat, barley fields..after the smells of the city my lungs rejoiced upon me giving them the chance of being filled with the pure and fresh smell of nature. I inhaled deeply, and smiled. As our train was rattling on, I saw villages afar, homes..streets, lamps...it was a strange feeling to be traveling at that time of the night...I imagined those homes, and associated them with security, warmth, trust, cozyness...I looked at them longing..wishing if I could be at home, surrounded by loved ones, and all those who are dear to my heart...I did not want to be the one on the train...just letting it to carry me wherever...I wished to arrive..but not just geographically..I wanted to arrive to the place where my heart feels complete. All the sudden the feeling of loneliness overcame me, but instead of letting it overwhelm me, I started to concentrate on the breeze caressing my face, the rain purifying me...soon after that, I spotted the Tokaj mountain, and I knew I'm at home...the familiar sight of the vineyards, hills and the river calmed me down, and I was thankful for the mulitude of sentiments that introduced themselves to me during the journey.
The weekend passed by quickly, the highlight of it was the Saturday evening, when my mom and I were invited for a "party" to my brother (he lives downstairs :) ). He prepared a lot, created an inspiration setting for us, little lamps lit, the whole room dressed in the shades of red and orange. We had some good wine (bought from the neighbours) while listened to some meditational music. We talked too, but the greatest was when we just sat, closed our eyes, and traveled to far away places. I had the vision of being on a mountain top....on the edge of the cliff...I was a chinese girl, and was feeling in unity with everything around me. I looked around me, underneath my feet was the depth of the valley, and vast forests. Some eagles were flying, I could hear the clash of the far away waterfalls...I was practising, making moves as to learn unifying my soul with my body...behind me was a small wooden house..my home..with a little garden...and cherry trees...then the scene was changed, and I found myself in a garden...a gentle breeze was blowing, and the flowers of the cherry trees were flying all over in the air..sticking in my hair, landing on my white clothes...the fragrance was sweet and yet refreshing...I stood there...and I felt like I am waiting for someone, who is just about to enter the garden, but is ashamed for some reason, and wishes to hide behind the tree...I was waiting patiently, looking ahead, and strangely was not worried, or scared..I stood there calm...my soul content....I knew that this is the most important meeting of my life...but...here the vision ended...and I was pulled back to reality, to the room of my brother. Not sure where he has been to, but my mom shared her vision with me...she saw me dancing around a bonfire...to be honest it was a very strange experience...I am not sure about past lives..but it certainly felt like...I've been to these places, I've been those people, and I've lived through what they let me have a glimpse at on this special evening.
The Sunday was a bit less magical, as the 2nd of August was drawing closer, my spirits started fall. That is special day, and I knew it will not be easy for me to "survive" it...it brought with itself a lot of thoughts, memories..I felt like it is imprisoning me...because I so much had the taste to...but I couldn't. I did not know how..and decided the best thing to do is to pray and ask for God's blessing on those people who were born that day. This was the only "middle way" I could come up with...
Aaand today is much brighter...firstly I was very much happy about the comment I received for my previous post. There are certain moments, feelings, moods, atmospheres that let us run through the colours of the rainbow, and we can easily jump through them, but I've learnt to "capture" these moments..I try to look carefully, pay attention, and remember...associate with smells, visions, words...I believe these moments..certain situations could bring different feelings for everyone...obviously I know only my inner world, and how it affects me..but already that is so compound, and so magical that I feel the urge of sharing it....so I try to capture it via writing them down, or taking a photo of them, or making a poem about them...I try to use all tools that are at my disposal, and I am so happy to see that there are some people for whom it is "understandable" and possible to identify with. I admit I was a bit afraid that people are so much more different..and they would not understand the depths of my inner world...but I am happy if by sharing a bit of it, it can enrich the life of others too, so..thanks Anonymus!
Another great thing that happened today is that we started to organize our trip to Cesky Krumlov!!!!! I am sooooo thrilled about that. I've heard a lot about the place, saw pictures and I am extremely keen on visiting it! When I talked to my mom, she was a bit sad about the fact that it is already August..and true...I feel like the summer is slipping through my fingers...but what I truly love is the Autumn...with her delicate colourful dress, blue eyes, read hair..the lady with a melancholic smile...I can hardly wait for her to arrive, and with a wave of her hand transform the green leaves into gold, red and orange, wrap small villages into fog, and make the fruits ripe while dancing through the vineyards. I'v not taken any holiday in the summer, but I have some saved for the Autumn. I hope to have my new camera by then, and be able to preserve some of its beauty for the stillness of the winter. So Cesky Krumlov is on the plan for September, and then...if there are still some days left, I hope to make another trip..to either Krakow, or somewhere in Slovakia (maybe Praha...uhh..the lovely Praha) alone...I long for a little room..or house in the nature (if I choose Slovakia - hopefully Vysoke Tatry) I'd take my notebook, a pen..some books, my camera, and I'd spend those days writing, walking, smelling, relaxing, putting together puzzles...drinking tea...cooking...sitting next to the fireplace, listening to the crackling of the wood inside..watching the dancing embers...mmmm....I know what I'll dream about tonight!!!
The last little piece of joy for today was, that I talked to a colleague, and he ...well...he told me that he thinks my flat is like a "vampire home". I did not feel offended...I liked the idea, and soon it rang a bell! A while ago, I used to be "kis vampiiiir" but..recently she kind of disappeared..though I liked her..she was childish, wild, reckless, but playful...I had too many "heavy" things on my mind, so I completely put her aside.. (moje mala vampiiiirko, moc na tebe myslim...a virtual vampire pal used to say to me) I think it is because her verfarkas set off, and decided to explore the world...went away in search of a verfarkas girl...but! kis vampiiir..needs to be strong...she needs to gain back authority, and this colleague unwillingly opened my eyes to that!
So..kis vampiiiir is getting a bit tired, she still needs to take a shower, and read a bit before sinking into the fluffy dreamclouds...but..all in all, I'm thankful for this day...I feel alive again!
Sunday, 24 July 2011
A rainy Sunday..
The sunny morning has now been replaced by a gloomy afternoon..the clouds seem to favour our city lately, they tend to hold their gatherings here, giving a darker, more blunt tone to the streets, buildings, windows, and people too. The darkness crept into my room slowly, I did not even have the chance to realize when it took over, but as my bed, carpet, shelves and plants surrendered to its sticky power, acknowledging its authority, I was in need of lighting a candle to steal a bit of light into the black kingdom. I cannot help it, I love these afternoons, no rush, no disturbing noise entering the flat from outside..only the splashing sound of water as time to time the wheels of the passing cars ride over the puddles, little black holes collecting the tears of the giant clouds. This is the time for cuddling, taking my righteous place on the bed, or the sofa, finding a soft blanket, curl up underneath, and listen...listen to the silence, the monotone, yet calming music of the little raindrops hitting the roofs of the parking cars, and the ground...I just love to watch the window, how its transparent glass is getting foggy, as the cold air of the outside meets the warmth of my breath...the glass serves as a border, an unbreakable barrier separating the two worlds...The cool breeze of the outside wants to touch the soft hands of the timid warmth I exhale, but the glass will always be there..between them..it is a solid manifestation of the limits both sides can reach to, preventing them to be able to melt into each other...and as a result, new creatures are formed, tiny little watermolecules are formed on its surface...I could have gazed at the apparition for hours, but I had an invitation to the movie theater tonight, so unwillingly I got up and started to put some clothes on.
The tram was rather empty, it was raining, and being a Sunday, most of the people have found shelter in the protective hands of their comfortable homes. As I was sitting there, ready to listen to some music on my MP3 player, a man approached me, and offered his newspaper (Homeless)..I took some money out of my pocket, and handed it to him, did not intend to take his paper, but he insisted. I started to read it, and there was the story of the little seed in it...I thought, this time rather applicable to me. The story described the life of the little seed, how it is there, under the ground, surrounded by the protective shells, in security...and yet the little seeds chooses to leave this safe environment behind, decides to take a risk, and plunge into the unknown..as it starts its journey away from its safe shelter, the hardships appear...when she is not a seed any more, she needs to face the difficulties of life, she becomes weak and vulnerable...she needs to fight the rough soil. She might think..why all this misery, I do not even know where I am going...if there will at all be joy and beauty at the end of this road paved by suffering...she could have just stayed in the protective shells for another thousand years, where nothing was threatening her..but instead she took the risk...then the little seed gets a glimpse of the sunshine, and pulls all her strength to work her ways towards it. Finally she becomes a beautiful flower giving joy to everyone and everything around her. The adventure she took was worthwhile, she developed to be the true beauty that was all the time hidden deep within her...it was a catching story, and I was a bit puzzled, as it seemed a bit contradictory to me that it was published there, in the paper of the Homeless people...
The movie was great, I enjoyed it, filled with special elements, and entertaining effects. As I exited the cinema, I realized that it is still raining, and I had no umbrella...yet I had the taste to walk home. I could have just taken the tram, but I needed to walk..I needed to discover the secrets of this rainy night. As I walked on the streets, the rain was getting harder and harder...soon my hair got completely wet, and I could feel the raindrops rolling down my face, as if they were my own tears...my shoes got wet too, as I walked into several puddles along the way. I stopped or a while, to take a look at the spectacular view of the city, the Danube below my feet was rather reckless and dreadful, the bridges were shining, but they seemed to be further than usual in the dim light. I met no people on the way home, the streets were deserted, and I took joy in pausing by the streetlamps, because in their light, the thickness of the rain became more visible. It might have seemed silly to anyone looking down on me from behind the windows..walking, enjoying the rain...but I did not mind...I wanted to get wet, I felt like with the rain, all my guilt, sorrow, and fear is washed away...my soul started to lift its broken wings, I could feel the contentment running through my veins....I was purified....
The tram was rather empty, it was raining, and being a Sunday, most of the people have found shelter in the protective hands of their comfortable homes. As I was sitting there, ready to listen to some music on my MP3 player, a man approached me, and offered his newspaper (Homeless)..I took some money out of my pocket, and handed it to him, did not intend to take his paper, but he insisted. I started to read it, and there was the story of the little seed in it...I thought, this time rather applicable to me. The story described the life of the little seed, how it is there, under the ground, surrounded by the protective shells, in security...and yet the little seeds chooses to leave this safe environment behind, decides to take a risk, and plunge into the unknown..as it starts its journey away from its safe shelter, the hardships appear...when she is not a seed any more, she needs to face the difficulties of life, she becomes weak and vulnerable...she needs to fight the rough soil. She might think..why all this misery, I do not even know where I am going...if there will at all be joy and beauty at the end of this road paved by suffering...she could have just stayed in the protective shells for another thousand years, where nothing was threatening her..but instead she took the risk...then the little seed gets a glimpse of the sunshine, and pulls all her strength to work her ways towards it. Finally she becomes a beautiful flower giving joy to everyone and everything around her. The adventure she took was worthwhile, she developed to be the true beauty that was all the time hidden deep within her...it was a catching story, and I was a bit puzzled, as it seemed a bit contradictory to me that it was published there, in the paper of the Homeless people...
The movie was great, I enjoyed it, filled with special elements, and entertaining effects. As I exited the cinema, I realized that it is still raining, and I had no umbrella...yet I had the taste to walk home. I could have just taken the tram, but I needed to walk..I needed to discover the secrets of this rainy night. As I walked on the streets, the rain was getting harder and harder...soon my hair got completely wet, and I could feel the raindrops rolling down my face, as if they were my own tears...my shoes got wet too, as I walked into several puddles along the way. I stopped or a while, to take a look at the spectacular view of the city, the Danube below my feet was rather reckless and dreadful, the bridges were shining, but they seemed to be further than usual in the dim light. I met no people on the way home, the streets were deserted, and I took joy in pausing by the streetlamps, because in their light, the thickness of the rain became more visible. It might have seemed silly to anyone looking down on me from behind the windows..walking, enjoying the rain...but I did not mind...I wanted to get wet, I felt like with the rain, all my guilt, sorrow, and fear is washed away...my soul started to lift its broken wings, I could feel the contentment running through my veins....I was purified....
Saturday, 23 July 2011
The truth lies within the soul
This weekend, we were supposed to go to lake Balaton with the boys. We prepared, planned to meet at 6 AM today, get in the car, drive down the lake, set up the tent, hike a bit, then swim a bit...and finally have some "beer drinking contest" which I was sure to win against the boys..but...again, the Universe intervened, it started to rain, the weather cooled down, and we agreed not to go...Instead we went out for a beer and pizza last night, then had a walk from Raday street to the Chain bridge..It was a lovely evening, tourists have been buzzing around everywhere like bees in a fragranted spring garden..At the bridge we sat down, and had a magnificent view on the river, and the castle...A guy was playing on empty winebottles, and my guys were telling jokes...I was laughing, but time to time became silent, as I sat there, and watched the place, where I lied once on a hot summer afternoon, eating fresh strawberries and grapes...It was a fine afternoon then, and much time has passed, many things happened, but this memory stayed clear in my head...I remember watching the blue sky, and feeling the touch of the lips of a fine fellow on my forehead as he kissed it...Strange it is...I forget so many things..things I did not want to forget...but then..there are several memories I wished to get rid of (for my own good) and I am unable..they stick to me, they keep on coming back to me, and in fact sweeten my life...
The guys talked about Budapest, then compared it to Prague..ehmm...a topic I did not want to raise, but still it appeared...out of the blue...and as they were talking about the differences between the 2 cities...I traveled back in time a bit again, and sunny, rainy, windy memories started to whirl in my head. Lately...I am not sure why, but I feel a strange attraction towards the city...and to the culture...and of course to the language...I try to understand it...if it is because I so much wanted to push away this "magnetic force" that is drawing me there, and yesterday evening, as I was sitting there I just shook away the chains, and set myself free so this magnetic force could finally complete its mission, and draw me completely.....or if it is because the more you fight against something the more it sticks to you...either way I had a great taste to be on the Charles bridge.....Then...again...now that it is summertime...I do not have much chance to practice the czech language, but just when I thought of taking my Krtko books, a friend shared a website with me, where you can learn a language, and share essays and excersises with natives, who can help you learn. In return, you help them learn your language, so it is truly great...I took it as a sign, and registered, and hopefully the summer will not pass without any practice..
After the walk I came home..the flat was empty...and decided to sleep...as long as possible the next morning, as now, that our trip was cancelled, I have not much to do, and realized, again...it is time for me to stop a bit..have a relaxing weekend, just by myself...having the chance to care a bit for myself...look a bit deeper, and rest...However, the morning wakeup was not so pleasant as I expected. In fact the whole night sleep was not too relaxing...because...as lately it is happening more often, I had another strange dream...I was in Prague...went there to visit a person....I found his home, where he was living with his beloved, and it was very weird, because I was in the dream, and outside of it too...the outside me started to question the one in the dream, what she is doing there, she has no reason to be there...but the girl in the dream, did not want to listen...she just walked into the house...meeting the person, who was very cold with her, kept on covering things, so that she would not see them..because he did not want to hurt her...but as they walked into the house, she heard the voice of his beloved, and became numb...then!!! the outside me called out again, telling the girl in the dream to go away, and thank God she finally listened to her...she quickly put on her shoes and ran away...but..she was lost in the city of Prague, was not sure how to find her way back to Florence...it was then his sister, who helped her to get to the station....This ....this was a very disturbing experience, because I could have gone anywhere in my dreams...anywhere..but not to Prague...and..the girl in the dream did exactly the opposite of what I would be doing in real life...she behaved as if there was a spell put on her...she was following a different path as to what I'd be following in reality...then...again...I woke up, and saw that it is raining, and I decided to stay in bed and pray...I told God that I am confused...I told Him, that I know that He is teaching me how to be patient in this period of my life...especially because this is an area, where I truly need to develop...but...I cannot understand...I thought this all was over, the cornerstone was passed, when one day I came home, and had the feeling, uprising from the depths of my heart...on that memorable evening I sat down and felt that nothing is more important for me but to know that my loved ones are happy, and content...I felt and told God that I'd sacrifice everything for their happiness...and this was especially true for one person (a person who was very very close to me for a fraction of my life) ...it was a very strange discovery for me...because normally I would have had to feel some anger and sadness towards the person, but on that evening I started to smile as I visioned him being where he belongs, with the person to whom he belongs...I prayed, and asked God for a lot of blessing on his life, I prayed that He takes good care of him, and gives him all the presents of life because he deserves it, I told God He can ask anything from me in return for giving him happiness and joy.....this feeling set me free, and I thought after that, all I need is a bit more time, and I shall be finding my balance again....but then...there are the nights and dreams...and that is an area...where I cannot be in control...so of course, that is the best testing ground....so I woke up, and asked God in confusion, why He does not have some mercy on me...why He thinks I need more tests..how come I have not yet learned the lesson of patience...then I thought a bit more...counted all the blessings He gave me in this life (my family, the friends, a place where I can live, a job, a nice city, the possibilty of traveling to magical places) and I felt ashamed...He has given, and is still giving me so much...providing me so much source of joy...overcoming this obstacle of not uderstanding why I cannot detach myself from the past is really nothing compared to the gifts I got from Him...Maybe...one day...if I am patient enough :) I shall understand...and I shall even be thankful for this year...for this period in my life...In fact come to think of it I am already thankful! I have changed much, I am not so stiff any more...I do not look on people doing "not average" things as crazy...I do not mind about other people's opinion so much any more...I do not stress, I do not let myself be swallowed by the work... I am OK with talking to strangers....I am trying to say "yes" to more and more things, I am taking part in more and more adventures, I do not spend my time going to second hand shops, or sleeping, but I am walking when I have the taste, I am meeting friends when I feel like it, I am eating if I am hungry...I am writing when I think some thoughts need to be put on paper...I feel like I have been a big fatty worm in the past year, and now slowly, and with difficulties, but the butterfly of my soul is ready to fly away....I am doing things I thought I wouldn't do...the colours started to come back to my life finally, and if I manage to step over regret, I should be experiencing contentment....as a proof :) I am even preparing for another milestone tonight! Since last fall, I did not touch the puzzle (2000pieces) I bought then, because it served as a taboo...it reminded me of the time when I had a helping hand in putting together the picture...but tonight...I need to overcome this obstacle as well, I shall sit down...and start working on fitting the little pieces next to each other...by myself...step by step...while listening to some good music :)
After this morning "seans" I went to the railway station, where I met my sister and her family. The little ones were to go to Sopron for vacation :) and they had a couple hours to spare..So we talked, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company...these kids...are soooooooooooo beautiful...Kami princess and cunning Jona. They have grown much, Kami is going to school from September...we walked a bit hand in hand, and it filled me with so much joy to be with them for a while...When their "hosts" have arrived, we took them to the train, then said goodbye..waved, and left. Hmmm...goodbyes I see are not always hard...this was a goodbye too, but I know we will see each other next weekend as well, so it was not so heart tearing as the last one I participated in.
As I was coming back to the flat...I realized...the soul/heart knows it all...the sad thing is...it is difficult to listen to it...what it is whispering to us...but I am making progress and try to pay as much attention as possible...It told me...I should not feel sad about the fact that this weekend I'll be on my own...alone... and I should not feel bad regarding my morning confusion, my doubts, and questions...because I know ...there...deep down..what it takes to found the fountain of joy. I know exactly what gives me pleasure...I know I just need nature, the stars, the moon and sun, the velvety sky, the meadows, the mountain tops, the harmony of music to fullfill me...and that...however strange it might sound can be discovered in the middle of the city as well...if..we take the effort and listen carefully!
The guys talked about Budapest, then compared it to Prague..ehmm...a topic I did not want to raise, but still it appeared...out of the blue...and as they were talking about the differences between the 2 cities...I traveled back in time a bit again, and sunny, rainy, windy memories started to whirl in my head. Lately...I am not sure why, but I feel a strange attraction towards the city...and to the culture...and of course to the language...I try to understand it...if it is because I so much wanted to push away this "magnetic force" that is drawing me there, and yesterday evening, as I was sitting there I just shook away the chains, and set myself free so this magnetic force could finally complete its mission, and draw me completely.....or if it is because the more you fight against something the more it sticks to you...either way I had a great taste to be on the Charles bridge.....Then...again...now that it is summertime...I do not have much chance to practice the czech language, but just when I thought of taking my Krtko books, a friend shared a website with me, where you can learn a language, and share essays and excersises with natives, who can help you learn. In return, you help them learn your language, so it is truly great...I took it as a sign, and registered, and hopefully the summer will not pass without any practice..
After the walk I came home..the flat was empty...and decided to sleep...as long as possible the next morning, as now, that our trip was cancelled, I have not much to do, and realized, again...it is time for me to stop a bit..have a relaxing weekend, just by myself...having the chance to care a bit for myself...look a bit deeper, and rest...However, the morning wakeup was not so pleasant as I expected. In fact the whole night sleep was not too relaxing...because...as lately it is happening more often, I had another strange dream...I was in Prague...went there to visit a person....I found his home, where he was living with his beloved, and it was very weird, because I was in the dream, and outside of it too...the outside me started to question the one in the dream, what she is doing there, she has no reason to be there...but the girl in the dream, did not want to listen...she just walked into the house...meeting the person, who was very cold with her, kept on covering things, so that she would not see them..because he did not want to hurt her...but as they walked into the house, she heard the voice of his beloved, and became numb...then!!! the outside me called out again, telling the girl in the dream to go away, and thank God she finally listened to her...she quickly put on her shoes and ran away...but..she was lost in the city of Prague, was not sure how to find her way back to Florence...it was then his sister, who helped her to get to the station....This ....this was a very disturbing experience, because I could have gone anywhere in my dreams...anywhere..but not to Prague...and..the girl in the dream did exactly the opposite of what I would be doing in real life...she behaved as if there was a spell put on her...she was following a different path as to what I'd be following in reality...then...again...I woke up, and saw that it is raining, and I decided to stay in bed and pray...I told God that I am confused...I told Him, that I know that He is teaching me how to be patient in this period of my life...especially because this is an area, where I truly need to develop...but...I cannot understand...I thought this all was over, the cornerstone was passed, when one day I came home, and had the feeling, uprising from the depths of my heart...on that memorable evening I sat down and felt that nothing is more important for me but to know that my loved ones are happy, and content...I felt and told God that I'd sacrifice everything for their happiness...and this was especially true for one person (a person who was very very close to me for a fraction of my life) ...it was a very strange discovery for me...because normally I would have had to feel some anger and sadness towards the person, but on that evening I started to smile as I visioned him being where he belongs, with the person to whom he belongs...I prayed, and asked God for a lot of blessing on his life, I prayed that He takes good care of him, and gives him all the presents of life because he deserves it, I told God He can ask anything from me in return for giving him happiness and joy.....this feeling set me free, and I thought after that, all I need is a bit more time, and I shall be finding my balance again....but then...there are the nights and dreams...and that is an area...where I cannot be in control...so of course, that is the best testing ground....so I woke up, and asked God in confusion, why He does not have some mercy on me...why He thinks I need more tests..how come I have not yet learned the lesson of patience...then I thought a bit more...counted all the blessings He gave me in this life (my family, the friends, a place where I can live, a job, a nice city, the possibilty of traveling to magical places) and I felt ashamed...He has given, and is still giving me so much...providing me so much source of joy...overcoming this obstacle of not uderstanding why I cannot detach myself from the past is really nothing compared to the gifts I got from Him...Maybe...one day...if I am patient enough :) I shall understand...and I shall even be thankful for this year...for this period in my life...In fact come to think of it I am already thankful! I have changed much, I am not so stiff any more...I do not look on people doing "not average" things as crazy...I do not mind about other people's opinion so much any more...I do not stress, I do not let myself be swallowed by the work... I am OK with talking to strangers....I am trying to say "yes" to more and more things, I am taking part in more and more adventures, I do not spend my time going to second hand shops, or sleeping, but I am walking when I have the taste, I am meeting friends when I feel like it, I am eating if I am hungry...I am writing when I think some thoughts need to be put on paper...I feel like I have been a big fatty worm in the past year, and now slowly, and with difficulties, but the butterfly of my soul is ready to fly away....I am doing things I thought I wouldn't do...the colours started to come back to my life finally, and if I manage to step over regret, I should be experiencing contentment....as a proof :) I am even preparing for another milestone tonight! Since last fall, I did not touch the puzzle (2000pieces) I bought then, because it served as a taboo...it reminded me of the time when I had a helping hand in putting together the picture...but tonight...I need to overcome this obstacle as well, I shall sit down...and start working on fitting the little pieces next to each other...by myself...step by step...while listening to some good music :)
After this morning "seans" I went to the railway station, where I met my sister and her family. The little ones were to go to Sopron for vacation :) and they had a couple hours to spare..So we talked, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company...these kids...are soooooooooooo beautiful...Kami princess and cunning Jona. They have grown much, Kami is going to school from September...we walked a bit hand in hand, and it filled me with so much joy to be with them for a while...When their "hosts" have arrived, we took them to the train, then said goodbye..waved, and left. Hmmm...goodbyes I see are not always hard...this was a goodbye too, but I know we will see each other next weekend as well, so it was not so heart tearing as the last one I participated in.
As I was coming back to the flat...I realized...the soul/heart knows it all...the sad thing is...it is difficult to listen to it...what it is whispering to us...but I am making progress and try to pay as much attention as possible...It told me...I should not feel sad about the fact that this weekend I'll be on my own...alone... and I should not feel bad regarding my morning confusion, my doubts, and questions...because I know ...there...deep down..what it takes to found the fountain of joy. I know exactly what gives me pleasure...I know I just need nature, the stars, the moon and sun, the velvety sky, the meadows, the mountain tops, the harmony of music to fullfill me...and that...however strange it might sound can be discovered in the middle of the city as well...if..we take the effort and listen carefully!
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Some days are hard to start...
It is rather unusual that it is 10:21 in the morning, and I am at home...sitting, thinking, waiting...Outside there is a thunderstorm, I can hear the even drops hitting the roofs of the houses and cars..I feel melancholic..would like to drink a cup of tea, and just gaze at the rain...but the problem is, if I do that, the memories rush at me...and in the past couple of months I've been engaged in getting so many new experiences as possible...just to eliminate the memories overtaking my mind and heart...but on days like this, when it is grey, and a multitude of umbrellas cover the streets I cannot help it...I travel back to the past, cuddle on my bed, and I am lost in thoughts...
Maybe it was needed.....I have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible, just to prevent spending time with myself...but I could not escape it..the Universe decided to intervene...to force me to sit down and look inside me...Last night I had a strange dream...I've met a person I knew once, and we tried to talk..like friends...he asked me if I am OK now...if I have accepted the path fate put me on...his eyes were filled with sadness, it seemed like he is doing the things not because of His own will, but as if he was obiding a greater force, yet unknown to him..I wanted to hug him, and wanted to ask, if that is really what his heart desires, but I did not get the chance...because he vanished...and I was left there at a place not secure..from where I needed to run away...then..I never found him again. After the dream I woke up, heard the raindrops, and was unable to get back to sleep again...the feelings, thoughts and experiences originating from the dream whirled in my head, and I started to feel sick...out of balance...lately I have been trying to be so strong, gaining control, and toughening up...but a dream like this just pushes me off track, and I feel weak, and confused. Then..an hour passed and I decided to have breakfast, drink my coffee while listening to Puccini: Che Gelida Manina, and in the meanwhile watching the pouring rain....I was about to leave, when I realized, that today is the day when my chimney needs to get controlled...great...my flatmates are not at home, I should get to the office too, but as it is a legal obligation to have the chimney controlled, I had no option but to call my boss and tell him, I'm going to be late today...and that is where I am now...sitting waiting..thinking...writing... It is half past 10 already, and I might need to sit here another hour...in the best case...but everything happens for a reason...I am thinking it is a wicked trick of God to let everything coincide this way, as to make me sit down for a while, and look at my life from a different perspective...a bit from outside...threw somebody else's eyes...
Time flies by...people come and go in our lives...we work...most of us do it to enable us achieving a kind of "standard of living"...flat, car..a place and financial background to give us security, and chance to raise a family...some of us work...time to time I feel like that too...to earn money that I can spend on things I like to do...buying a high quality camera..traveling to fascinating places..especially mountains and forest in Europe..but still I feel like it is temporary...still I feel like this is not the major goal...of course I learn and learned many things throughout these journeys, about my limitations, about my perseverance, physical barriers and so on....I met new people, new attitudes, visions, opinions...my perspective on things hand in hand with my horizon has widened...but on a rainy day like this...I still feel lonely...and too dreamy for this world I belong. I still feel like I am in the beginning of my search for gold, but yet I have the suspicion, that the gold is hidden somewhere very near to me..but stupid me...I am unable to find it...I make myself believe it is probably very complicated to get near to it, and cannot manage to discover the simple ways. I cannot get rid of the guilt I feel for the mistakes I have made...there are moments when I am able to be thankful for them, as it is the mistakes, and huge slaps in the face that teach me the most important things, and give me the worthiest lessons of life...but on a rainy day like this, I sank into apathy, sadness, and drive a bloody battle against my soul...torturing my heart with the knifes of regret...I know..it is a war where some battles can be lost, but the important thing is to focus on enduring, taking time to relax, collect strength and win at the end. I know that my trust, and ability to open up, and love is at risk...I know I've built a wall around myself...I know that when it's raining I need to rush inside my castle, and close the doors to prevent the water coming in...I know it is the time when my eyes are set on the far away mountain tops surrounding the castle...I know that days like this are needed...to remind me to take my time, and instead of pushing away not pleasant feelings and thoughts from me..I'd better face them, and take peace with them...for a while at least...until the sun becomes visible on the horizon again...
Maybe it was needed.....I have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible, just to prevent spending time with myself...but I could not escape it..the Universe decided to intervene...to force me to sit down and look inside me...Last night I had a strange dream...I've met a person I knew once, and we tried to talk..like friends...he asked me if I am OK now...if I have accepted the path fate put me on...his eyes were filled with sadness, it seemed like he is doing the things not because of His own will, but as if he was obiding a greater force, yet unknown to him..I wanted to hug him, and wanted to ask, if that is really what his heart desires, but I did not get the chance...because he vanished...and I was left there at a place not secure..from where I needed to run away...then..I never found him again. After the dream I woke up, heard the raindrops, and was unable to get back to sleep again...the feelings, thoughts and experiences originating from the dream whirled in my head, and I started to feel sick...out of balance...lately I have been trying to be so strong, gaining control, and toughening up...but a dream like this just pushes me off track, and I feel weak, and confused. Then..an hour passed and I decided to have breakfast, drink my coffee while listening to Puccini: Che Gelida Manina, and in the meanwhile watching the pouring rain....I was about to leave, when I realized, that today is the day when my chimney needs to get controlled...great...my flatmates are not at home, I should get to the office too, but as it is a legal obligation to have the chimney controlled, I had no option but to call my boss and tell him, I'm going to be late today...and that is where I am now...sitting waiting..thinking...writing... It is half past 10 already, and I might need to sit here another hour...in the best case...but everything happens for a reason...I am thinking it is a wicked trick of God to let everything coincide this way, as to make me sit down for a while, and look at my life from a different perspective...a bit from outside...threw somebody else's eyes...
Time flies by...people come and go in our lives...we work...most of us do it to enable us achieving a kind of "standard of living"...flat, car..a place and financial background to give us security, and chance to raise a family...some of us work...time to time I feel like that too...to earn money that I can spend on things I like to do...buying a high quality camera..traveling to fascinating places..especially mountains and forest in Europe..but still I feel like it is temporary...still I feel like this is not the major goal...of course I learn and learned many things throughout these journeys, about my limitations, about my perseverance, physical barriers and so on....I met new people, new attitudes, visions, opinions...my perspective on things hand in hand with my horizon has widened...but on a rainy day like this...I still feel lonely...and too dreamy for this world I belong. I still feel like I am in the beginning of my search for gold, but yet I have the suspicion, that the gold is hidden somewhere very near to me..but stupid me...I am unable to find it...I make myself believe it is probably very complicated to get near to it, and cannot manage to discover the simple ways. I cannot get rid of the guilt I feel for the mistakes I have made...there are moments when I am able to be thankful for them, as it is the mistakes, and huge slaps in the face that teach me the most important things, and give me the worthiest lessons of life...but on a rainy day like this, I sank into apathy, sadness, and drive a bloody battle against my soul...torturing my heart with the knifes of regret...I know..it is a war where some battles can be lost, but the important thing is to focus on enduring, taking time to relax, collect strength and win at the end. I know that my trust, and ability to open up, and love is at risk...I know I've built a wall around myself...I know that when it's raining I need to rush inside my castle, and close the doors to prevent the water coming in...I know it is the time when my eyes are set on the far away mountain tops surrounding the castle...I know that days like this are needed...to remind me to take my time, and instead of pushing away not pleasant feelings and thoughts from me..I'd better face them, and take peace with them...for a while at least...until the sun becomes visible on the horizon again...
Monday, 18 July 2011
Triglav moje mila
Last week I got some critique from my most faithful reader, as we went for a stroll on the Kopaszi gat (a nice grassy, fresh place near my home). My Norita told me that she has been checking my blog every day, and recognized, that I am not quite diligent in following my starting promise, that was to write about my sources of joy I experience during the year...she might have though I am out of sources, or I'm lazy :) Well she was not far away from the truth..I really was lazy... After the office, a program was always offered, one day a beer with a friend on the bank of the river, the other day a chat with another friend, and invitation to the third etc. All in all, every day I got home after midnight, and I did not feel like turning on my computer...as it was 40 degrees lately in the city I was just longing for a nice shower, and then the bed.
This weekend however, I took part in such an adventure that has to be remembered of. On Friday afternoon I left the office early, grabbed my backpack and headed down to the street, where a car and 4 people were waiting for me already. We sorted the things out, introduced ourselves to each other, and headed to Slovenia. The road took about 7 hours, with a few stops, and it was already quite late when we arrived to a house outside of Mojstrana, where we hoped to get a good night rest to be able to conquer the mighty heights of the Triglav mountain. The parking lot was hidden deep in the forest, surrounded by pinetrees, that towered above us like giants. We got out of the car, and it felt to be able to stretch a bit. There were no lights, though we had to find our way on the small forest road to the house. The air was fresh and cool, the sky was cloudy, but still something could be seen, as that night there was a fullmoon. With the help of the headlights of our companions we managed to get on the right track and walked towards the house. I wished to stay there longer...in the darkness, stillness, just to let myself be completely amazed, and overtaken by the beauty, and mystic atmosphere, but I had to follow my little group, as we were already afraid that we might not get a bed. After sorting the accomodation out, the others went to sleep right away, - the room where we slept was already full, and we did our best to get to bed as quickly as possible not to disturb their sleep - but I sneaked out and went down on the squeeking stairs, opened the door, and stood in front of our wooden house for a while. I could hardly see, I stared into the darkness, trying to make out any sort of movement coming from the depths of the forests nearby...doing my best to melt into that strange, closed world full of secrets. I inhaled uncertainty coming from my inability to see, I was a bit scared, yet curious...and amazed, by the purity of nature...by the stillness, by its mightyness.
The next morning I woke up at 5 and heard the raindrops on the roof. One by one they rushed down from the sky making a nice rhythmical dance. If I was in my bed, I would have been so thankful for that sound, but today it made me worried as I was afraid, that we might need to postpone our trip. We had a quick breakfast, met other very stubborn and determined people, who were there that day for the same reason..to reach out for the top. We all know, that the way up there is going to be hard, that we will have doubts, that there will be a point when we will truly think, that we cannot make, and we should go back...but deep down, all of us knew that it is a sort of test too..and we must not retreat. We started our journey, as the rain seemed to halt, and threw ourselves deep into the woods. At first we had the energy to look around, and explore beauty in the flora and fauna of the place, but after the 3rd steeper hill, our attention started to lessen, and we played only for survival. The road up to the mountain started with a nice path in the forest...then slowly the path started to turn rocky..but still we could see the trees around us...then the whole area wrapped itself into a thick fog, so that soon we lost track of each other, and were hardly able to see further than the top of our nose. Our group broke up..some walked faster, some slower..some were tempted to go back, and give it up, some were sure to make it, no matter what. I managed to keep the girls encouraged, and tried to motivate them by walking in front of them...so that they could see me doing it, and it would give them strength to hold on. There was a point though where they needed to take a longer break, and we separated. For a while I was walking by myself..and talked to the mountain..I realized that we have some similarities, I felt like I understand her...her strict and steep hills, here unreachable heights, her attitude of not giving it easy..her isolation, and coldness..her embracing arms, her variety of forest, and lunatic rocky hills....I felt like I found a friend in the mountain...I could hear her heart beating from far...I knew she wants me to be there, I could feel our energies exchange..that was the moment when I leaned over and kissed a mossy cliff that crossed my path..I had to do it...I felt the urge...I loved this mountain...though it gave me a hard time, tested my endurance, and pulled a pile of obstacles my way...I loved her..because I knew if I was worthy of it, and passed the test, my reward would be of unspeakable treasure..the view from its top.
That day we, completely exhausted we got to 2500 meters, to a refuge house, called Triglavski dom. The house stood there lonely in the middle of nowhere, withholding the grim weather conditions, looking on the peaks of the Triglav mountain. We entered, got a room, and rushed down to the "restaurant". We ordered a soup (jota z mesom) and finished the fulfilling food in a minute. The soup was followed by a beer and some water. Inside it was nice and cozy, the fire was burning in the huge fireplace, clothes were drying by its side. Every other minute another conquerer would enter, and soon the little place was packed with adventurers. They also drank some, and their humours started to elevate..a harmonica was found, a guy started to play, others started to sing and dance. The afternoon was spent by the celebration of our success, joy and contentment. Also it was a preparation for the next day, when the last, but hardest bit of the journey had to be completed..the conquer the top, that was 2867 meters. There it was not possible to walk, we had to climb.
The night gave us enough rest, I was gazing at the starry sky from my window for quite a while still, as the others were sleeping..there were no clouds, and I had the clearest, and closest vision on Ursa Major so far. He winked in through the glass of my window, and after being enchanted by its beauty I sank into the sweet dreamworld, from where I was pulled back quickly though as 2 drunk guys started to sing in front of our door. I opened the door, and warned them to be silent, but it was too late, it took me another hour to be able to sleep.
In the morning, I was ready..in mind and soul to conquer the top..I had doubts about my physical barriers (hoped my legs will not shake and I will not be afraid of the height) but I quickly overcame them, and made my way towards the signs. The girsl decided to stay in the house. They way up was not the easiest, a very srong and icy wind was blowing, the stones became slippery and it was difficult to find a grip on them. But I pictured a spider, and stretched my hands and legs in a way, that they would enable me to adhere to the walls of the cliffs. The people around me had proper equipments, ropes, helmets, warm coat and hat....I had nothing..a pair of light pants, and a jacket...some were even staring at me..might have been a bit cautious about me making it to the top, but I was confident...I set my mind on it, I had to go...I had to do it..and where's a will, there's a way. I made progress, and even passed some guys who seemed to be slower in spite of all their equipments. The vision from the top...was...breathtaking...there are no words to describe it...that is why I made some pictures, but even those are just a weak copy of what awaited us up there. My hands were freezing, my hair got wet from the cloud that wished to swallow the mountain top, the wind did not stop to blow, but it was a feeling of completion to be able to be there look around, open my arms and think: "here I am...and that is what counts". The level of adrenaline increased in me...I could not help but to smile, the guys around were nodding in acceptance, of passing the test, and I was the happiest person.
My joy lasted all the way as I walked down to the refuge house, picked up the girls, and headed back to the car. As that day we had a clear sky, we could see it all, what we missed the previous day due to the fog, mist and clouds. God was merciful to us. After arriving back to the parking lot, we headed home, but took a small bypass, and visited the marvelous town of Bled. We walked around the lake, gazed at the little island with the church on it in the middle, and the castle built on top of the cliff above the lake.
By midnight, I was back in Budapest, and my body feeling tiresome, pleading for some rest, but my heart pounding, and filled with contentment, thankfulness and joy, that I was given the chance of seeing so much beauty in just a weekend.
This weekend however, I took part in such an adventure that has to be remembered of. On Friday afternoon I left the office early, grabbed my backpack and headed down to the street, where a car and 4 people were waiting for me already. We sorted the things out, introduced ourselves to each other, and headed to Slovenia. The road took about 7 hours, with a few stops, and it was already quite late when we arrived to a house outside of Mojstrana, where we hoped to get a good night rest to be able to conquer the mighty heights of the Triglav mountain. The parking lot was hidden deep in the forest, surrounded by pinetrees, that towered above us like giants. We got out of the car, and it felt to be able to stretch a bit. There were no lights, though we had to find our way on the small forest road to the house. The air was fresh and cool, the sky was cloudy, but still something could be seen, as that night there was a fullmoon. With the help of the headlights of our companions we managed to get on the right track and walked towards the house. I wished to stay there longer...in the darkness, stillness, just to let myself be completely amazed, and overtaken by the beauty, and mystic atmosphere, but I had to follow my little group, as we were already afraid that we might not get a bed. After sorting the accomodation out, the others went to sleep right away, - the room where we slept was already full, and we did our best to get to bed as quickly as possible not to disturb their sleep - but I sneaked out and went down on the squeeking stairs, opened the door, and stood in front of our wooden house for a while. I could hardly see, I stared into the darkness, trying to make out any sort of movement coming from the depths of the forests nearby...doing my best to melt into that strange, closed world full of secrets. I inhaled uncertainty coming from my inability to see, I was a bit scared, yet curious...and amazed, by the purity of nature...by the stillness, by its mightyness.
The next morning I woke up at 5 and heard the raindrops on the roof. One by one they rushed down from the sky making a nice rhythmical dance. If I was in my bed, I would have been so thankful for that sound, but today it made me worried as I was afraid, that we might need to postpone our trip. We had a quick breakfast, met other very stubborn and determined people, who were there that day for the same reason..to reach out for the top. We all know, that the way up there is going to be hard, that we will have doubts, that there will be a point when we will truly think, that we cannot make, and we should go back...but deep down, all of us knew that it is a sort of test too..and we must not retreat. We started our journey, as the rain seemed to halt, and threw ourselves deep into the woods. At first we had the energy to look around, and explore beauty in the flora and fauna of the place, but after the 3rd steeper hill, our attention started to lessen, and we played only for survival. The road up to the mountain started with a nice path in the forest...then slowly the path started to turn rocky..but still we could see the trees around us...then the whole area wrapped itself into a thick fog, so that soon we lost track of each other, and were hardly able to see further than the top of our nose. Our group broke up..some walked faster, some slower..some were tempted to go back, and give it up, some were sure to make it, no matter what. I managed to keep the girls encouraged, and tried to motivate them by walking in front of them...so that they could see me doing it, and it would give them strength to hold on. There was a point though where they needed to take a longer break, and we separated. For a while I was walking by myself..and talked to the mountain..I realized that we have some similarities, I felt like I understand her...her strict and steep hills, here unreachable heights, her attitude of not giving it easy..her isolation, and coldness..her embracing arms, her variety of forest, and lunatic rocky hills....I felt like I found a friend in the mountain...I could hear her heart beating from far...I knew she wants me to be there, I could feel our energies exchange..that was the moment when I leaned over and kissed a mossy cliff that crossed my path..I had to do it...I felt the urge...I loved this mountain...though it gave me a hard time, tested my endurance, and pulled a pile of obstacles my way...I loved her..because I knew if I was worthy of it, and passed the test, my reward would be of unspeakable treasure..the view from its top.
That day we, completely exhausted we got to 2500 meters, to a refuge house, called Triglavski dom. The house stood there lonely in the middle of nowhere, withholding the grim weather conditions, looking on the peaks of the Triglav mountain. We entered, got a room, and rushed down to the "restaurant". We ordered a soup (jota z mesom) and finished the fulfilling food in a minute. The soup was followed by a beer and some water. Inside it was nice and cozy, the fire was burning in the huge fireplace, clothes were drying by its side. Every other minute another conquerer would enter, and soon the little place was packed with adventurers. They also drank some, and their humours started to elevate..a harmonica was found, a guy started to play, others started to sing and dance. The afternoon was spent by the celebration of our success, joy and contentment. Also it was a preparation for the next day, when the last, but hardest bit of the journey had to be completed..the conquer the top, that was 2867 meters. There it was not possible to walk, we had to climb.
The night gave us enough rest, I was gazing at the starry sky from my window for quite a while still, as the others were sleeping..there were no clouds, and I had the clearest, and closest vision on Ursa Major so far. He winked in through the glass of my window, and after being enchanted by its beauty I sank into the sweet dreamworld, from where I was pulled back quickly though as 2 drunk guys started to sing in front of our door. I opened the door, and warned them to be silent, but it was too late, it took me another hour to be able to sleep.
In the morning, I was ready..in mind and soul to conquer the top..I had doubts about my physical barriers (hoped my legs will not shake and I will not be afraid of the height) but I quickly overcame them, and made my way towards the signs. The girsl decided to stay in the house. They way up was not the easiest, a very srong and icy wind was blowing, the stones became slippery and it was difficult to find a grip on them. But I pictured a spider, and stretched my hands and legs in a way, that they would enable me to adhere to the walls of the cliffs. The people around me had proper equipments, ropes, helmets, warm coat and hat....I had nothing..a pair of light pants, and a jacket...some were even staring at me..might have been a bit cautious about me making it to the top, but I was confident...I set my mind on it, I had to go...I had to do it..and where's a will, there's a way. I made progress, and even passed some guys who seemed to be slower in spite of all their equipments. The vision from the top...was...breathtaking...there are no words to describe it...that is why I made some pictures, but even those are just a weak copy of what awaited us up there. My hands were freezing, my hair got wet from the cloud that wished to swallow the mountain top, the wind did not stop to blow, but it was a feeling of completion to be able to be there look around, open my arms and think: "here I am...and that is what counts". The level of adrenaline increased in me...I could not help but to smile, the guys around were nodding in acceptance, of passing the test, and I was the happiest person.
My joy lasted all the way as I walked down to the refuge house, picked up the girls, and headed back to the car. As that day we had a clear sky, we could see it all, what we missed the previous day due to the fog, mist and clouds. God was merciful to us. After arriving back to the parking lot, we headed home, but took a small bypass, and visited the marvelous town of Bled. We walked around the lake, gazed at the little island with the church on it in the middle, and the castle built on top of the cliff above the lake.
By midnight, I was back in Budapest, and my body feeling tiresome, pleading for some rest, but my heart pounding, and filled with contentment, thankfulness and joy, that I was given the chance of seeing so much beauty in just a weekend.
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