Autumn's farewell....

To have inspiration is good...to have friends believing in you...reminding you, that inspiration is there (when you already gave up searching for it)urging you, telling you that you just need to take a deep breath, dive down to the bottom of the lake of your dreams, imagination, desires & emotions and bring it up...well it's even better...it's of indescribable value..so you need to take care of it...appreciate it...how? By sitting down, even if without knowing what to write...you just sit down, and let your thoughts fly...let them free to wonder...to visit yet undiscovered lands, to glide, transform, melt into each other...to gallop like wild horses, with waving manes, on the field of dreams, where anything can happen...what you capture of their racing, hurriedly trying to pour it into words, does not need to be consistent...does not need to be coherent...they can jufst reflect the freedom of those dashing wild horses...

Winter has arrived...it took over so abruptly, autumn did not even have the time for saying goodbye properly...he left...vanished out of sight hurriedly, without packing...without taking all his harvested belongings...yellow leaves orphaned on the skeletons of soaked trees...apples laying helplessly under the memory of a once protective, emerald green foliage....he came, frivolous, handsome, cheerful young man, asked the noble lady of summer for a dance.....a dance that changed the world around, about and inside them...whilst they were elegantly flowing across forests and fields, green turned gold, orange, red and brown....young seeds matured into fruits....birds gathered their young ones, strengthened by the prodigality of sweet june and july, and moved to a land where the sun always shines... squirrels filled up their storage with nuts, having prepared for the long, cold days ahead... fog followed, enshrouding the land in a thick, fluffy blanket..leaves started swirling as the gentle breeze, generated by the rustling of summer's dress picked them up, and carried them away...imprints of the richness summer brought...witnesses of a passionate dance....bearers and nurturers of the new life, waking up from a prolonged sleep, when the fresh, rosy faced fairy, Spring, calls upon them....But now...now the dance is over...the miracle of repainting the world has been finished...he left...grabbed his hat, took a meaningful glimpse at his work, and with a content and cunning, boyish smile has gone away...somewhere, where he can do more magic...where he can continue his art of making humans realize and start appreciating the colours......handing us...our world over to the merciful hands of a frozen beauty, winter....Her first spells the watchful ones could detect today....when the cold raindrops suddenly, as if touched by a magic wand transformed into white crystals...solidified teardrops of alonely lady....a lady grieving over the trembling little creatures, looking for refuge in the cold she brought upon them......she knows... she knows she can't help it...it's her fate...everything she touches, turns into ice...her breath is cold north wind.....her eyes gleam with the whitish, metallic light of the north star.....the only way to save...to protect the ones she holds dear...the little seeds hiding under the shielding arms of Mother Earth.....the only way to keep them cozy and secured from the sharp, frosty claws of freezing cold is to pull gently upon them a thick, soft blanket of snow....her frozen tears....so she cries...cries for loving, but not being able to share her love, for not being able to let anyone close...for not knowing how to tell the world, that under the icy surface there's a fervently beating heart....

Winter is finally here....and I do rejoice upon her arrival....

in my dreams...

I thought the holidays supposed to fill the people with renewed energy...and maybe it is really so in most people's case...just not in mine...I was hoping I'll go to work today, if not even with a huge smile on my face, at least content, balanced, ready to face challenges, buuuut it did not happen...I woke up, had my usual cup of coffee roamed around in the flat a few times searching for my entry card, then monthly pass, only to realize that it has expired, which meant that I needed to go and get a new one, as opposed to just hopping on the bus and going to work. The extra time I needed to get to work today was even more prolonged, because the ticket office nearby was closed, however they ensured that the poor passengers would have the option to buy ticket/pass by making a man stand in front of the ticket office, selling tickets...but as you can imagine there was a queue as the unlucky salesman was not that emm..experienced...sooo I can confirm it was a very flawless and fresh start of the beloved Monday morning.

The time spent in the office was fine, colleagues wondering about my holiday, me colorfully describing them the story of the crazy woman in St. Andrews who I was sure is going to attack me at one point, or the fire alarm going off in the hostel where we slept, resulting in a bunch of people hurriedly being evacuated from all 10 floors...most of them ending up standing in their pyjamas along the congested road next to the river Clyde in Glasgow.  Luckily enough for me, I managed to have some soup for lunch, which I was craving for as I did not help myself to any of that very delicious and for me essential sort of nourishment during the past week...so seemingly everything was all right, and yet my mood was slowly slipping into a catatonic stage...I was trying...I really was..recalled memories of my trip's highlights, let my thoughts ramble on..taking several diversions towards the merry festivities of the coming Christmas, even ate some chocolate and yet...I did not manage to find that harmony I can proudly call my almost usual companion, and could just not quite understand why.  My nerves started to play a trick on me, they touched different strings of my soul's guitar, and in one moment it was a melody of sadness, in another a song of melancholy, only to be finished off by a hit of unexpected anger.  I could not stand a chance against my emotions, so finally I gave up..I sank deeper and deeper into the vortex generated by the sharp contrast between my dreams and reality...maybe it was all because of having returned from a trip, where my eyes could feed on the beauty of nature..on the rough, stern, barren yet sublime peaks of the Highlands, covered by a rusty coloured carpet of heather, and shyly hiding lochs, similar to the teardrops of a mighty, melancholic God whose wish was to secure the secret of the universe in the depth of those crystal clear lakes, amongst the ridges of captivating, royal, yet strong and rigorous hills, serving not only as watchman, but well trained soldiers, ready to give their very life to defend the pearls of secret should they spot a stranger driven by an adventurous soul, having set foot with the aim of stealing, or at least discovering them....

Reality was so much different...I was sitting in an office, creating reports, reading emails...far...miles away from the magical land that drew me...that wanted me...I could still hear the whisper of that cold north wind in my ears...could feel its freezing, yet gentle touch on my face that brought the roses on my cheek into life...it was luring me...calling upon me...wanting me to follow, while it danced away elegantly on the vague...haunted field of withered heather...into the wilderness...to a world that only some can see...the ones whose blood vessels go crazy upon being presented to such beauty...the ones whose heart starts pounding and feel an irresistible urge to break free and run...run where there are no rules, where there is no evil...just the laws of nature, survival, pure strength, courage and love...where everything has its on place, but not because it is said so by man made law, but because it's plainly right so...and the creatures of that world feel it...know it....where one is not feeling blue when alone...because one feels that there is the whole of the universe within him....where the trees and stars still converse with mankind, and animals are companions....a world called my dreams....

The gloom and doom did not pass as I walked home...it did not pass when I laid down on my bed...in fact it got worse...the stillness of my room, the unmistakable feeling of fear...of being unsure of one's self...of not knowing where one's life is heading, was closing upon me, and as I could not bear it, I had to do something...cowardly enough I fled....I placed a disk of soothing classical music into my player...and was on my way...flying to my world of dreams that always protect me...where in an instant I can be sitting by the ruins of an ancient castle on the banks of a Highland lake, marveling at the sunset with a beloved companion...or I can be standing in the rain, or walking on the coast of Portobello, collecting shells...or I can even be sitting by the fire in the middle of a forest chalet, on a cold autumn evening, after a long walk on a small, hidden road carpeted by freshly fallen leaves....having a pint whilst gazing at the playful, hungry flames eating away the chopped wood....smiling and sharing my joy...in my dreams....

The healthy soul lives in the healthy body?

The first 3 days of last week I spent at home...I had great plans!!! Ohh God could prove I did!  I thought I'm going to be walking a lot, I'll be bbq-ing with my family, I'll be sitting in the sun, relaxing, enjoying the free time I have, and will certainly recharge my batteries...

Not by a little was I surprised when upon getting home, none of my plans were accomplished (and I again, realized the eternal truth of the saying: "man plans, God actions") I was sticking to my original idea of sleeping till long, no harm in that, but somehow the sleep did not have the effect of what I expected from it...I woke up, and felt even more tired than when I got to bed.  I started to read, but I have realized that I cannot really see those letters printed in the book, and what was even more worrying from one minute to another the little black creatures came to live and started running up and down on the surface of the pages, making it seemingly difficult for me to catch them...at one point I even gave up and walked to the mirror to see if I can find some form of visible reason in my eyes for this phenomenon...not sure what I expected to spot there, but certainly not what I actually discovered!  My eye (the right one) was just red, thickly enmeshed by little blood veins, all rushing towards the center of my eye, it was not hurting much but certainly felt uncomfortable and worn out..so much, that I could not keep it open, what's more I had to place a band over it, tied down by some plaster, that helped it being kept closed.  I realized, that reading is now out of the list, but still did not give up, thought the walking is still an option...until it started to rain and the world wrapped itself in a grey veil, that made those friendly nearby hills disappear of sight completely...but!!! I insisted, waited for mom to return from work, hoping I can still convince her to accompany me for a walk...was even prepared to draw her attention to the fact that it is indeed possible to walk whilst carrying an umbrella...but...when she returned home I started to grow suspicious upon seeing her yawning too much (that's usually the sign of a bad stomach) and my suspicion became fact when she shared with me her feeling of unease, and went to bed straight away.  I felt that my enthusiasm of going forward and accomplish my plan no matter what was somewhat decreasing: so far no reading, no walk, no bbq - thanks to the weather & the millions of mosquitoes in the garden, who only didn't attack us, because the our front door blocked them, but I could sense them all (hear them) eagerly and attentively peeking in from behind the door, ready to attack their sweet blooded prey any minute!!  Well...I was not ready myself to sacrifice myself on the altar of bbq for one thing, and have never really dreamed of leaving this life behind whilst becoming the feast of the little bastards  (excuse my language).

The outcome of not seeing a chance of plans/dreams coming true was that for 3 days I was doing nothing (not too proud of that, but I was certain at least it will recharge my batteries - well I was wrong..again).  My eyes got worse - which I could not really understand as when I was in the office watching the screen for 10 hours it just held on...now when I was not doing anything at home, they turned blood red...I could not sleep at night, and even during the day I was not in my best mood - that was mainly down to my worries...a friend of mine has a relative in hospital, and as this friend means a lot to me, I could not stop thinking about them, and slowly adopted the pain, fear, worry.  3 days of my holiday was gone, and I got back to the capital feeling sort of awful...out of balance. Can anyone do this after me?  I don't think so...but I am up for the challenge any time...

I had 2 days to work last week, which is really bearable, but...but...but...I ended up hardly bearing it...The atmosphere in the office was nice, people were lovely and caring, I had no reason to feel off track...yet I was...On the first day (besides my eyes) my back started to hurt...on the 2nd, it was my stomach...ohhh and on none of those nights could I sleep...just tossed and turned...Thankfully on Saturday I did not have to work, instead I made a very enjoyable trip to Bratislava with my friend M (in the rain) and we talked so much, melted into the beating of that cute city so much, that I finally I forgot about all my pain that sort of raided over me in the past few days...yet today is Sunday, and though I slept enough I woke up with a headache, a pain in my chest and stomach...and what I realized was, that the more I want to feel healthy the least I succeed...if you have been paying attention I very much wanted to accomplish those plans I have described, and I failed none the less...a very adorable flick from the Universe I must say!  I'm "laughing" very hard indeed...but...the more I think about it...that these symptoms and pain are probably serving as an indicator for me...that there is something in me that I try to just push away, to the back of my mind, to one of those boxes behind the imaginary wardrobe within the room where my soul dwells...is it my fear of change - though deep inside I know that I crave for a change?  Is it the fear of losing a certain kind of stability that I have? Because maybe I feel like I need to chose between leaving the dream (or something similar to it) or security/certainty?  Is it the fear that my way of looking at things is really too idealistic, and life is not a fairy tale, but rather a tough, hard stone mine as most of the people view it? (I know it is not a fairy tale, and was not meant to be just joy and laughter, but I cannot accept that it is a stone mine - dark and depressing...I believe we have the right to search for what makes us happy, fight for it hardly of course, even bearing the necessary wounds..but at the end, this will make us responsible for our own happiness and life too!)  Is it the fear that my search for happiness is in vain, because we just need to accept whatever comes along our way and accept it, like so many people do?  Letting go of most of the control, and just be in control of the little things?  But by that, are we not pushing the responsibility from ourselves over to the unknown?  This question really gets me thinking...but for now,  pleasant walk awaits me, so for a little while I shall be excused...however I'll be back in due time!!! This time I promise sooner than in a month :) 

12.07.2012

Without exaggeration I may say, the happiest day of the year.......the day when my faith in humanity, love, and friendship has not only been brought back to me, but has been strengthened, forged together, to last the future challenges and tests of life....

I knew it will be a special day, but I thought, only for me...aaaas yep, I have reached an age, over which, though nothing really changes, society would expect you to be able to "show up" something.  This something could be a marriage, kids, or at least a house, flat, car...or maybe just a plan of what you'd really lilke to achieve in life...now on the night of the 11th, it dawned on me that I had none of the above accomplished so far.  I've tried to calm myself down, tried to convince myself that it is all ok, and everyone is as old as he/she feels like bla bla, but still within me there was this question mark blinking...should it really be like this? Have I done someting wrong?  Did I miss an opportunity that was really there, I was just too blind to see? At one point whilst walking home after work I did grow somewhat sad, and as a comfort could only look into the future, fantasizing about my next bday, in a year's time, when hopefully upon taking into account what I have accomplished, I will be able to show up something...but then I was thinking that by this, I'm only postponing the need for action, and shifting responsibility to the future, instead of dealing with it in the present....Then my thoughts moved on a little, instead of collecting what I've missed...I started to focus on what I still can do, while I am still in my late twenties (as I knew too well, from the next day on, my age's written form will start with a 3..for a good ten years...) I had 3 hours left of my late twenties, so could not really come up with world saving ideas, but I am proud to announce that I did buy a box of raspberries, and some watermelon in the nearby shop.  At first I didn't want to, thought I could live without it, but then,when I remembered, that it is probably the last time I can buy raspberries whilst being in my late twenties, I was convinced at once.  As a precious trophy I carried my raspberries and watermelon proudly home.  Once at home, I've opened a bottle of wine, sat down on my bed, played some music on my computer and I got lost in thoughts in no time...I went through my life, what has happened so far, what memories stick out for either being so enjoyable, or being so sad...I've tried to look at mysefl from above, to understand a bit more who I am, where I am heading, what motivates me, what are my dreams, fears...what brings me joy, what I might have talent in etc.  It took me some time, and by the end of this "enumeration" I was feeling more calmed down, and even exhausted...though that could be accounted to the wine too :)

The next day, was the actual day...my bday...in advance I made the necessary preparations.  I've deleted the date from facebook, as I did not want to pressurize people to wish me a happy birthday.  I understand that it is hard, even impossible to remember everyone's bday, so I decided I will free my friends from this burden of freaking out when they log in at the end of the day, and see I had a birthday and they forgot to greet me etc.  I decided I'll keep it quiet rather...not expecting anyone to know about it, except from my mom and dad.  Was not planning a bday party either, as I still had some bad memories attached to one bday party that did not really turn out too well....so I went to the office calmly, yet carelessly...I thought that it'll be a day like any other, but I will not let myself get stressed over anything...that was the pact I made with myself :)

It was a nice day, a quiet one, some work to do, but not too busy...I've listened to music, got some sms from friends wishing me a happy bday, which really warmed my heart, had a coffee, some lunch at my desk...all in all, it was a normal day.  I was to be meeting 2 friends of mine in the evening (at 7)...we get together once every month to catch up on each others' lives...and that was it.....I was planning on going home aftewards, read a bit in bed, and sleep.  Yet, the universe had something else in store for me...something else that it could execute with the help of my cunning, yet most awesome, most amazing and loveliest friends...

I left the office at 6:30PM, and was to meet my friend on the Deak square from where we were to go together to the place called Piritos.  When I met B. she sadly informed me that she was not able to book a table in Piritos, as they had some private meeting there, but that we could just go to another place called Kertem, as our friend ZS. who was to join us afterwards is already there with the architects (she & her partner are building a house) so with a little disappointment in my heart we headed to Varosliget.  We entered the place and I started to look for ZS. in the sea of people...I knew she was wearing a mottled dress, and tried to focus my eyes, filtering the circumstances, and just concentrating on the green and purple mixture of what the dress consisted of.  And at that point...there came a factor that I could not filter out (whilst scanning the crowd) it was my friend R....I looked at his face, and then went on searching for the dress, but then just went back and started to think how by accident it is that this friend of mine is also here (thought how great, he can just join us so whils we'll have a glass of wine)...but then I continued the scanning and I found another face which I knew....I started to go towards that table and to my greatest surprise I had to realize that I knew everyone around that table!!! My brain was just fuming and clicking trying to put together the puzzle...when eventually I came to a conclusion that I did not dare to admit to myself...that...these people came here this evening, because of me....I could just not believe it...could not do anything with the nice, gentle, warm feeling that filled my veins and every cell in my body....that these people around the table...have sacrificed their free time for me...they have organized this party for me in order to bring joy to my heart...only because they wanted to make me happy!!!.. and god!!! they have succeeded!!! big time!!!  I could not believe that I mean that much for them, that they participated happily in making this day special for me....I've looked around...and by that time the love I felt for all of them numbed my throat, I even forgot to breathe for the fraction of a second...my ability of expressing...the ability I value the most within me left me...I just stood there, silently....struggling with tears...speechless.....did not know what to say, because words would not have been enough to explain...to describe...to express the joy I felt inside me....Thankfully, upon seeing my intimidation and joyous confusion, the party people also grew a bit silent, but then someone gained back his composure, and drew my attention to the present that awaited me, ornated with baloons, sitting in a chair.....I walked towards where I was shown to automatically, could still not capture the fact that so many people worked together in secrecy to surprise me, enchant me...to make me happy......I was swimming in the ocean of joy....for a little while my lack of self confidence retreated to its cave to lick its wounds this party has caused her....I was overtaken by the most respectful and purest feeling of loving those people around me...but then it was not just love...it was gratitude, honour, and trust mingled with it too...I've been gifted with the most awesome, most wonderful people on this Earth, whom I can call my friends...they don't even know, but they give me so much!  So much energy, love that keeps me going, that keeps me smiling...that keeps me continuing to be who I am as opposed to becoming what the world wants me to be.

But back to my present...I have received a beautiful gorgeous blue and grey backpack!!!  I was so but so happy to get it!!!!  It looks amazing, it fits me, I love the colour, not to mention it is very useful, as I like to hike a lot! I've already put it into use this weekend, took it home with me and I must say, it's already my favourite :) There were even additional little presents hidden in the various pockets of the bag...a little turtle, and a pair of beautiful, gorgeous earrings, with the moon on them!! Those I have only realized when packing into the backpack on Saturday, 2 days after my bday...well well...my friends really know how to surprise me!!! what can I say, I'd do everything for them really...To be frank...and honest...I'm still in a sort of shock...as...I have really not expected such a surprise...it was the nicest, most memorable bday party in my life so far...and I'll forever be thankful for these people who were there, celebrating with me till dawn, drinking for my health, laughing with me...and just taking the time to spend this day with me....I'll never forget that...it will always serve as a shining star in my days of darkness, when the sadness, disilluison or the pain overwins me...I'll always think about this lovely summer evening when the love felt for each other has revelaed itself in such a peculiar, merry party under the leafy trees, in the garden......

Thank you all...all my dearest friends, all who have attended, all who wished to come, but could not due to various reasons...you must know I'm amazed by you...I love you, and I am more grateful to you than words can ever express.....thank you....you make my life such a colourful one!!!

Chill and rain

Why is it that sometimes my senses capable of capturing the world's very finest vibrations are so alert, that I hardly manage to recognize the "normal" world seen by others around me, and I tend to walk like a lunatic fascinatation accompanying my every step?  Why is it that I love the rain, and grow thoughtful upon feeling the little beads of rain drops hitting my face?  Why am I looking at the distant horizon, and the starry sky, when Fate decides to make people take sharp turns, turns that end in a road noone can estimate where it could be leading to?

As usual by now, I left the office late today...so it is with people who don't really need to rush home, as noone is waiting for them..they tend to become absorbed in work, in a good way...not because it's a burden, hard to bear, rather because it keeps them, busy, and maybe this way they can "fool" themselves with a fake feeling of being useful..but then again, I could be wrong.

I stepped out of the building and as I made my way towards the subway station I sensed a remarkable change in the "setting" around me.  The road next to the sidewalk is usually very crowded, and noisy, the asphalt exhaling gasoline.  On the left, huge buildings keep watch of the slowing heartbeat of the city, then a bit further ahead old buses wait patiently for the clock to crawl ahead until getting to a point that sets things in motion, engines roaring, passengers running, doors closing and those old chaps start their usual patroling.

Today however, it was different...the main street was not so noisy as it ought to have been, the giant buildings seemed to have pulled themselves together, as if wanting to defend themselves from something dark and dangerous that was about to tumble down on the city.  The buses were yawning, and only a coughing sound could be heard when the driver attempted to start up the engine.  The city around me seemed to be waiting for something...the arrival of something powerful.  At this point, I looked up and I saw it. The sky above me was about to be swallowed by a monstrous cloud that bore the spectrum of black, blue and grey, and all the possible shades in between...yet as moments passed the shades of lighter blue and grey seemed to give up the fight and have melted completely into the threatening smokey black mass.  The contrasts between dark and light have disappeared, only leaving a blur behind, contours lost, saturation becoming insufficient.  Poor street lamps tried to fulfill their duty, but in this new, brusque world without the warm tinges of brown, orange and red, their glamor turned to a sort of fluorescent glory, that was hard to lay eyes upon, and certainly did not feel comforting.

The world underneath the surface did not keep any special suprises however. Tired people on the subway, some on their way home, some on their way to meet with friends.  I knew, that I would not take the tram home...no...not today...I had to walk.  I had to feel the rain...I had to feel the wind's strong grip around me...trying to free me from my coat, bag, all my belongings.  I walked home.  I like it, that when it's raining as there are less people on the street, making the city seem a bit calmer, a bit more understanding...bit more motherly...in these moments I can imagine she truly cares for me...I can feel that she is happy to be relaxed, welcoming towards the little raindrops refreshing her, cleaning her from the dust settled insolently in her pores.

Yeah..the walk in the city is certainly not to be compared to the walks in the countryside.  It's more sad here...somehow I miss the smells...the breath of the rain evaporating through to pores of the damp forest, through the wet leaves, the moss, the grass, the bark of the trees...when I was at home, this past weekend I took a walk after the rain, and I could feel my lungs greedily feasting on the fresh air that embraced the hills, fields and forests..those little oxygen molecules triggered an electric shock in my veins, and I could feel the new life hastingly rushing up and down my body, filling all my cells with joy, contentment and assurance that life is beautiful.

The rain in the city though...makes me thoughtful instead.  Makes me dwell on gifts we possess, but don't use, because we might not even know about their existence...on challenges that come our way, though we are not yet prepared for them, and do not even know, whether we have the strength to tackle them....on love that's like water, hard to keep at control, but does fit the shape of its container...on fate, the mighty empress we long to understand, but at one point stop fighting against and let her take the lead, tossing us on a road that suits us most, this way ensuring we learn what we are meant to learn, we see what we are meant to see, and hopefully along the way, understand a bit more of the mystery hidden behind the veil of reasons.

A deeper shade of blue

This evening was to be spent at home, in my bed..with a book...maybe a tea..in company of my precious plant that started to turn towards the window with an even greater speed, than what I was used to in the dark days of winter...I think they realized that the spring is here, and their way of showing their happiness is manifested in their faster moves (still relative, they have not started to run around in my room).  So my plan was to come home, and chill out, after a really impulsive 2 weeks, but...how can someone interfere with the Universe?  It had other plans for me...

After leaving the office I finally decided to give into the little squeeking noise disturbing the peaceful kingdom of my mind, and decided to stop at a shop on the way home, where last week I saw a pair of agreeable shoes.  Nothing special, I've tried them, they still fit me, that was nice to see, that in the course of the last week my feet have not yet deformed much, not that they would, but still it is worth checking time to time...one can never know...so I bought them and headed home...aaand that's when the adventure begin!

After weighing the odds, making a quick, but thorough calculation which way home would be the shortest, most comfortable, most convenient, I chose the longest...my heart & emotions won over my brain again..I heaeded towards tram number 18.  Whilst walking, I felt something..thing, but long fingers capturing my head and turning it to my left...at first I found it strange, and I became rather curious,but upont looking in the wanted direction, the pieces of puzzle got to their place...there was the moon, almost full, shining so brightly, one could not NOT realize it.  But there was something different about the moon this time.  I stopped and took the time to examine it (in the meantime the lights turned green, then red, then green, but I didn't mind), and then it dawned on me!  It was not so much the moon, but the sky around it!  It was not black, as I have always thought, but blue...further away from the mighty queen it was very dark, silky kind of blue, but in its proximity it slowly faded into a lighter kind of silvery blue...all the sudden it all reminded me of the deep blue see, with a trembling moon on its surface.  This discovery chased out every thought from my mind for a while, I was somewhat taken a back, and wondered, if I have only realized this nature of the sky now, then it is either the result of a) me getting old (but I threw this option away very quickly) b) I'm drunk (but I did not drink anything) c) I have sight problems (I've been to the doctor not long ago, and everything was fine) d) not everything is what it seems at first glance, and as such there are always things to discover..or rediscover! I chose this last option. 

Content with my new experience I was waiting patiently in the tram stop, still staring at the moon (once I look at her, I cannot take my eyes off of her) when another weird feeling crept under my skin..something was somehow not fitting into the picture of what you expect from a city.  Trams, ok, people, ticked, but..where the moon was, in the field of my view it looked different.  It felt like as if I was sitting in the audience and what I saw ahead of me were just certain scenes of the stage, but somehow they mixed two eras..a modern one, and an old one..a known one and a forgotten one...a superficial one, and a deep one...a common one and a mystic one...on the left and right there were two big, very vividly painted yellow buildings, bathing in the light of street lamps, but in what appeared to be the center of my vision, between the 2 yellow buildings, there was a thin, dark street hiding...the contrast was so great, I could not see much, only darkness there, the shadows of the houses, 3 lit windows, the roofs, that stood behind each other like soldiers on the field ready to attack when the command arrives, and above them, the moon...casting on herself the role of a watchman...she looked down with very attentive eyes, but embracing in herself many secrets about this littel street...you had the feeling, that something powerful, something eery was about to happen there, and in that world it is not unusual, but there is a silent agreement between the forces of the Universe that those events are forbidden to be known to anyone.  However I grew suspicious! I couldhardly fight the urge in me to go there, and check the place out, instead I started to imagine the kind of inhabitants of that street on such a night like this...passionate, yet wicked, dark, long haired, powerful women, tall men, dressed in black tail coat with bewitching eyes, wise old ladies, and cunning lords..all part of a society that was thought to be not existent any more.  I was pretty much amused by this vision, and was already waiting to see what will happen, when the tram showed up, and I was pulled back to the city life...unwillingly I got on the tram, and chose a seat next to the window, hoping I can still see the apparition, but...the inside of the tram was so bright, I could only see the reflections of the chairs through the window...

As the tram was hastingly delivering me home I was listening to music, and almost stepping into the world of imagination again, when a man got on.  Let's be honest he was very drunk, and very homeless (carrying his bedcover with himself) and even the greatest good will could noone say his smell was bearable.  He got on, looked at the crowd and asked the question: "Where should I sit?" As he got closer to a couple, sitting next to the door, just across me, they got up, and he had not one, but even 2 places!  I thought, fine, the story is over...buuuut...nope..he kept on talking to himself, but so loud, that anyone could here.  We understood, that he did not even want to get on this tram, but he doesn't mind now, as at least this way he can see some beautiful women (and looked pointedly at me..ehmm).  He was fixing me with his eyes, in a way piercing me to the seat, but I did not feel uncomfortable at all, though at one point I thought I'll blush when it was the 5th time he complimented my look...I was smiling to myself, but almost burst out in a loud laugh when the couple nearby me got up, and the lady...well the lady was the type who likes to show what she's got...she was wearing a purple dress, neatly low cut in the front, and short enough on the back, with boots on.  Now our friend could not leave this without remarks, he mentioned the lady's partner that this one is a hot babe, has good & huge! boobs..then the lady, I think because of being embarrased did not know how to react, and started to pull her dress down, but! our friend told her not to do so, and was hungrily looking at her remarkable butt.  Thank God it was my stop to get off, so I stood up, and drew the attention of our friend to myself (bet the lady was more than thankful) who then felt the need of reassuring me again that he liked me, then asked if I'm angry, but I answered with a "no" and a smile :) 

After getting off, this little "adventure" made me think...and also made me realize...how badly we manage when someone tells us what he thinks..bluntly, just like that...not caring about conventions, good manners or whatever..because this time the whole tram went numb...noone said a word, and tried to force on themselves an expression of "I don't care" but ...their efforts were rather in vain, as the man was loud, and impudently honest...he wanted us to hear him...and we did :) and froze :) What if we all threw away our masks and would say without limitations (but obviously without intention) what was on our mind/heart?  Pretty entertaining to think about it :)

X, Y & Z

I think I finally understand what it means when people say, that the beauty is always there, around you, but it is only up to you, whether you realize it, or pass by it, absorbed too much in your thoughts, worries, doubts, or just general dwelling about your fate, about life.  Not sure if I'll be able to give back the experience by words, but as always, I shall give it a try. 

Since Friday I feel like I'm walking on the clouds..for some reason the world has decided to grant me access to its different dimension..or maybe it was just the angels..universe getting sick of my blindness and they made a pact with every element in order to force me opening my eyes.  What I suspect...or what I can conclude of all this conspiracy of the universe is that I've been shown, how big of a difference it makes when one feels loved, truly loved. 

Now the question might arise: "Have I not felt loved before?"  It wouldn't be true..as my family and friends around me always reassured me of their love towards me..but after certain examples of disappointment in the past I must admit I started to loose my hope...I started to loose my faith in humans..and human relations.  I felt like selfishness, the love of ourselves is so powerful, that it can even change people..make them do things they don't really want...it can turn them inside out...it can have a much louder voice then the voices of the heart, and may make people think and act in such way that does not comply with their hearts' true desire...that they might even regret later on (and I'm actually not only talking about people in general, but mainly about myself as well, as I have driver several serious battles amongst my own heart lately)...of course in a way these all need to be done in order to help people learn, but I started to think, this whole life is only, and only about learning...and maybe I am wrong to think that there should be much more "space" left for love and joy.

But!  This past week this above mentioned fear of mine was overriden by the love of 3 magnificent people, who happened to even prove their love towards me by a hug.  In my mind's calendar therefore this day has been highlighted with red, and has been given the name of "the day of 3 hugs". 

What was so special about Friday?  Well...I woke up, got dressed picked up my backpack and went to the nearby bakery.  I have bought some delicious croissants, and breadrolls and cheese, and some sausages.  After hiding them in my backpack I headed to the bank of the river Danube with a smile on my face.  I was smiling, because I was about to have a picnic with a friend of mine, who unfortunately does not live in my country, and as such, I don't get to see him often.  We walked a bit, then sat down, talked, enjoyed the juicy tomatoes :) and all the rest that my magic backpack had to offer.  The sun was shining, the river's surface was combed by the constantly blowing spring wind.  It was just the perfect way of starting the day!  After the dinner my friend walked me to the subway station, and I headed to work..but :) I did not have to wait too much for life's next gift for me, I had the honour of spending even lunch with this friend!  His company has such an energising effect on me, I love to talk with him, he makes me smile, and most importantly, he seems to understand me...but truly..even deep down...which is..in fact rare...The breakfast & lunch with him, made me so happy, I could hardly concentrate on work afterwards, because a mixed feeling of sadness that he had to leave, and a joy stemming from appreciation that I could be with him was just whirling in me, pushing me from positive to negative infinity.  I thought I have already lost this ability of mine, to be going up and down so much on the scales of feelings, as I knew from the past that it does not bring much good, if I expose myself to my feelings, but this time I could not help it...my brain decided to go on vacation, and I could not order him to come back, no matter how much "overtime payment" I was offering him. Mr. X really has an almost worrying influence on me!

After work I was invited to a little party, that my colleagues/friends were organizing.  As there was no point in going home, I headed to the pub right after work, with my friend.  We were the first ones to arrive, therefore had plenty of time to enjoy the God's nectar, called Staropramen.  I think I was getting into a bit too intimate relation with this beer, and felt like I want more and more of it.  Maybe that was my way of trying to make up for the emptiness that was left in my soul after my friend Mr. X has said me goodbye...not sure...after about an hour, friends started to arrive and our spirits decided to let all the steam off, and just enjoy what the night has to offer.  I was feeling relieved, did not have to think much about when or how I will get home, as a friend of mine, Mr. Y promised, he'd take me home...however, at one point I received a message, that this promise was not to be taken seriously as he won't come....yeah...it shocked me somewhat, and for a while, I was just sitting numb on the sofa, feeling like it is high time to change from beer to something stronger...I was feeling disappointed, and sad, though the magical moments of the morning and the lunch have still served as good reserves, and I managed to step over this little discomfort originating from the bases of my trust being shaken by a false promise.  But I'm telling you, miracles do exits...a couple hour later Mr. Y showed up, (lucky for him, if he intends to be my friend) and I welcomed him with a great smile..my inner storms disappeared, and in the surface of my soul's crystal clear lake was calm and silky again.  Mr. Y is a great man, and now I know, that I may really count on him...and it's so comforting!  Especially for me..who tends to be sensitive regarding the trust topic lately and needs much time to be convinced that I can really count on someone.  Mr. Y was patient, did not push me..did not rush me...he just waited for me so that he could take me home afterwards.  At around 2:30 I finally had pity on him, and decided to leave.  We spiced up with the way home with a little walk..a strange walk indeed...we stopped by a pavement, that was bordered by a row of bushes..we got out of the car and strolled next to the bushes, checking them, hoping we might find Mr. Y's lost wallet there (he lost it a couple days ago) but we were not that lucky, so we just headed straight home.  Mr. Y stayed till about 5AM, and we talked a lot...it was actually very beneficial as it managed to evapourate all the alcohol within me, and by 5, I was really feeling fresh and sober! Before going home he gifted me with a friendly hug, which meant a lot for me...did not even realize how much until afterwards....I only thought about it a day later..that lately I was spending much time alone...far away from my family and I did not receive hugs from anyone!!  I realized, that I have been missing this sort of expression of love...I have been missing this physical contact...one would think it is not necessary, but I know now that for me it is necessary, more than I have thought!  I bet the lack of hugs have played a major role in me feeling more "burned out" lately...I think people do need hugs...OK, maybe not everyone, but I certainly do!  Lots of them!

Talking of hugs, it is high time to briefly introduce Mr. Z as well.  We don't meet often, yet I consider him as a person in my life who also influences me.  I cannot help it, when we meet, I am very happy, and I feel like I would like to hug him! :) He has such an air around him, that makes me feel like I can be honest with him, and more importantly, I can be myself..and by the same token, I usually cannot wait to hear from him, how his soul is doing...because so it happens, that with him, I don't often discuss superficial topics...we tend to take a plunge into the deep right away. Strange...but entertaining! Of course I got my well deserved hug from him as well - actually, I did not give him many chances...or time even...the minute he could have started to refuse (if he wanted to) I have already had my hands wrapped around his neck!  I know...demanding and agressive? I am! 

I felt the need of writing all this down, because...because I love them, and also because these 3 men taught me something really important.  That regardless of the fact that they all have their own lives, I feel that we are connected, and that our souls in fact rejoice when we are in each others' company.  Certainly they energize me, they open new horizons for me..they provide me hope, they gave me back my faith in love and humankind.  I owe them a lot, not sure, if I'll ever be able to repay them all the kindness and affection I have received from them.  Hopefully they also know, that they can always count on me, and hopefully they don't know that I envy the women who'll be the love of their lives :DDD

Thanks to these men..thanks to their huge heart, I was walking on clouds today when I went outside to enjoy the sun...I could not stop smiling and letting the sunrays caress my face..I did not pay attention to the traffic around me...all I felt was the spring breeze playing with my hair and the feeling of being "treasured" and loved running through my veins...the sweet fragrance of being cared for stupefied me, and I am not even sure how I got home, because I could certainly not feel my feet on the ground (come to think of it, it is much stronger than alcohol!  all people should rather use this aphrodisiac!)

I'm proud of you dears, and I am very grateful that I was given the chance to get to know you!

Crossroads

Following my daily routine, I walked home from one of the metro stations yesterday.  It was pretty late, almost midnight, yet I saw a number of youngsters, nicely dressed up, waiting for the tram, that will take them to the party, where they can drink, dance, meet people, and forget about the world.  I was just about to forget about the world as well, but in a somewhat different way...the wind was blowing hardly as I crossed the bridge, but this did not prevent me to stop for a while, and marvel at the river below...By now almost all of the ice pieces have melted...only some thin ones were making their way south, reflecting the face of the frozen North carved on their surface.  I know that it's just February still, but I could already feel the spring's promise in that wind yesterday evening.  It was not as if little knifes were cutting under my coat, it was mild, playful, and frisky.  I inhaled it, and with a sad smile said goodbye to the winter. 

I was almost at home...I only needed to cross 1 street and then again...a couple meters and I arrive...but this time instead of crossing the streets on the pedestrian crossing, I decided to just shorten the way...it was late already, no cars..no people were passing by...and just when I was in the intersection of the two streets I decided to stop...I felt a strange kind of vibration within me, like if I was in the middle of something...where the two legs of the letter "X" meet....I looked above..clouds were rushing on the sky, and no stars could be spotted...then I looked around me..I am always used to walking next to the buildings, or on big..open avenues..I never really managed to observe what it is like to be in the middle of a crossroad...to my left & right...in front of me and behind me roads running somewhere...roads with limited width, thanks to the enormous buildings on their sides.  I was standing there, lost in thought, clinging on to my freshly received Krtko calendar (which I received via the post from my friend Honza, and which made me extremely happy for the whole day)...the wind was blowing, the street lamps were hesitatingly paying attention to what I was doing..or rather, curiously waiting which path I'll choose.  I knew the road that was about to take me home, yet I did not wish to move...I wanted to stay there, giving myself fully to the moment...the moment of quiet observation...this special perspective I've just discovered. The face of the night city is so much different...so much more mysterious in many ways...but my tiredness won over me, and I left the magical spot, after carving its atmosphere into my memory. 

This morning indeed I slept long.  I woke up well rested, ready for the day.  Today's agenda was in fact short, I could summarize it with one word: cleaning.  Yeah, in the past 2 weeks, I did not have much time to spare, and the comfort level of my home has undergone a serious drop as a result.  This lead to me feeling more grumpy, and not at peace in my flat.  Therefore today I did my best to cast out all the junk and unnecessary things from my home, making it a pleasant, heart warming place to be..and whilst cleaning I realized, that everybody - but me certainly - gets what she/he deserves.  Now, you might be interested in how I managed to conclude it from cleaning, but not to worry, I'll explain. 

I was moving some tables, and emptying boxes..throwing away papers and such...but of course, before getting rid of anything I checked what they were..and..like last time, I found some letters, which dated back to 2009...I sat down and read them, they were letters from the Mikulas (written by his helper Michal), and from the Macska Society (I will not explain the whole story, but in a nutshell, I was working as an agent for the Macska Society, and I came across some letters, which gave me a detailed description of my assignments, and also introduced me my co-agent, named Milo, to whom -as I was advised in the letter - I could turn to, whatever difficulties I am facing).  After reading them, I could not really get myself to continue the work right away, because...the memories flooded my whole soul, and it took some time to get back to the "daily tasks".  I was marveling at how really playful our love has been...how many different games we used to play, how many surprises and creative things were involved...how we liked to imagine that we are someone else..agents, or Santa, or the owner of the moths' choir...how much fun and joy it brought to take these "scenes" seriously, and act accordingly. Nowadays my life is much more "monotone"...it's lacking this kind of creativity...these kind of games, and I am not sure how to bring it back, but I'll definitely need to think about it, how I could make it a part of my life again, because I miss it badly.  But the question is still unanswered, how I could conclude from that, that I get what I deserve..well...when I was taking part in those games...I took it for granted...I thought it's normal..and I did not value it at the time as I should have...I thought it will always be like that...I did not nurture it, I did not give thanks for it...and now here I am, on a Saturday afternoon, missing it so much, that the lack of it pulled the string very tight around my heart...making it wanting to break into millions of pieces...true is the saying, that one only knows what treasure she/he had, when she/he had already lost it.  I'm not writing it to depress my beloved readers, I'd just like to warn everyone to be alert, and don't forget to appreciate what you have, because if you don't do so, you might loose it, and then it's too late to start appreciating it (rather just feeling the emptiness it left behind)...if it was important to you, you'll start searching for it again, but it takes a long time and much effort to have it again...at least this I definitely learned by now...not to forget appreciating things that make me smile, content and joyous, and also to give thanks for them...this way, even if they end, I won't have the guilty feeling burning in me, that it was taken away from me, because at the time of having it I didn't bother to value it.

Valentine

I need to confess I almost forgot that today it's the celebration of love...though I had it in my mind, about a week ago, when I was doing my regular evening walk, and I stopped by the window of a shop, that was covered fully with little red hearts, and my attention was drawn to a little paper packet, which had the following written on it: "Love potion" and a short description, saying you should make a tea of it, if you'd like someone to fall in love with you :) if that was ever so easy :) but still I thought it was a really cute idea, and nice gift for someone who'd like to make connections stronger with his/her loved ones...so this little pack of tea reminded me that Valentine's day is coming, but I was not much bothered, as I did not really need to spend sleepless nights on how to suprise my soul mate, aaas I don't have one...except for Gyuszi of course (my sleeping partner, the kind bear) but he is very well aware of my affections towards him, so I was not so much urged to reassure him :)

I also need to confess, by today morning I -for the second time - forgot that it is Valentine's day!  Yet, I was reminded again, as the organizer of our project management training greeted us on the course by saying "Happy Valentine's Day"  now, what is ironic, she was probably the last person I would have guessed to wish me Happy Valentine's Day, as this was the first time I saw her :) But Fate's ways surely are hard to foresee, and always changing.  The day went on, we studied a lot, had coffee, polished our brain, and finished at 5PM, when I decided to take a walk, before our fancy dinner in a high quality restaurant.  Now surprise suprise, on my walk, I literally bumped into a friend, who was carrying a large bouquet of red roses to her boss :)  The surprise does not lie within the fact, that she was carrying a bunch of beautiful!!! flowers which I wanted to steal from her, but that in the past 2 weeks, I was constantly thinking about her..what's with her, how is she, and was planning to give her a call.  I was thinking about her so much, that finally I ran into her! So I can now prove that the "rule of attraction" is working :) The more you think about something, and the more you'd like something, soon it will manifest itself, and what you desire, but truly desire, will happen...because the Universe in a way realizes your need, and manages things in a way (ouu I'm brainwashed!) ..ok so back to myself, instead of the word "managing" I'll find out something else...so the Universe realizes your need, and weaves the net of future events in such a way, that your need/desire would be fulfilled!  After the meeting I started to think about it, and maybe even doubt a bit, accounting this meeting on "fortune" or something that just happened accidentally, but Fate did not give it up, half an hour later, I bumped into my second friend, whom also I wanted to see badly for the past month..so then I surrendered, and now I am convinced, that what you think, what you desire will come to you, but you need to believe in it.

Once we finished our really delicate dinner, I decided to walk home (took an hour) along the river Danube.  I took this opportunity, because I was full, and I needed some exercise to grant me the good sleep and also because the view of the lit up Budapest & the river with rushing ice pieces on it is just spectacular.  During my walk I was listening to music, closing out all additional noises, such as cars rushing by, people talking etc.  Again, I felt like I'm not even part of this world, but I'm an actress, playing in some movie that unknown people are watching.  It felt as if some "outsiders" who are watching the movie of my life understand fully the emotions arising in me, just by watching me walk smilingly alone, along the river..on a chilly February evening, on Valentine's day..in my checked coat, and blue hat...I passed through bridges, I marveled at the upside down world created by the water's surface, where the reflection images of churches and ornamented buildings have been trembling in the cold winter night...I passed through the tunnel underneath the Chain Bridge, this time it was not packed with homeless, it was only me walking there, in the blurry, raw horizon...I looked around, listened attentively to the echo the heels of my boots were making...there was a round wall around me, made of mosaic, and though it's a small tunnel, it felt like I'm in a labyrinth...taken out of the city for a fragment of a second, and dropped into another world...where there is noone, just an endless road to follow, but no companions, flowers or animals...just me, my steps echoing, and the curvy road, I started to feel lost, but finally I took courage and I kept going....as I exited the illusionary world, couples appeared, girls with flowers, proud, merry, holding on to their beloved's hands, chatting, laughing, hugging, filling the night with cheerful sounds, and pure, soft, yet pulsing love.....and it was really a heart warming experience.  Though I thought this day is not so special for me as it is for those who are in love, still in a way...this walk, these lights, the swimming ice pieces, the sound of my black boots hitting the ground made it special for me too. 

On my way I started to think what I was doing last year, at this time, and I remembered well, that on this very day, I was in Krakkow, shivering on a bench near the river, feeding the swans, envying the happy couples sitting next to me.  Ohh how desperate and depressed I was!  I was so much trying to be all right, but I could not help to see the whole world in black! I even wrote about my feelings, and experiences in this blog!  This...shocked me a bit..the fact that 1 year already passed...so many things happened, and yet I feel like as if it was just yesterday..those memories so vivid..those atmospheres, thoughts, struggles, so easy to invoke...it's almost mind blowing.  I surely did not think I'd be doing on this day a year later, what in fact I was doing.  But again, I guess this is the miracle & beauty of the future...you never know what might be coming..how things will change, how you will change...and today I saw the world in orange :) which is...almost red! :)

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone who has ever loved!

Broken, but so content - way to go snow panthers

This past weekend, we decided again with the boys, that we'd hit the slopes!  We really were keen on getting on the boards and practice..the temperature was promised to be indeed very cold, so I packed a number of warm sweaters, just in case.  I knew it will probably not help, when we'll be outside in the ski park, but still, thought it could come handy when once relaxing in the hotel room. 

Waking up very early in the morning, after a rather tiring week was truly not my cup of tea.  I even started to think if I'm quite normal for choosing to get out of the cozy, warm bed, when outside it's still dark and cold, but finally my "promise" that I would join the "snow panthers" - that's how we call our little team - was stronger, and unwillingly I looked in the evil face of the icy morning, and jumped out of bed..then froze..put on 4 layers of clothing, picked up my board, and headed the tram station. 

I'm not sure how it is with other people, but I know that in my case, very often I become the puppet of moods.  They come and go, and in the meantime, pull me here and there, whereever they want...if I'm weak, or I don't realize their "guiding" hands, I give in to them, and let myself carried away, I become numb and serve as a toy, exposed to their good/bad will.  I am not sure what triggers this, but there are moments, when the atmosphere of a certain moment in the past (a moment which I might not even managed to capture fully) pours on me in a moment of the future..it absorves me, and in a way blinds me...Now this happened on the tram as well...when I was getting off it, the lack of someone waiting there for me just pulled the string around my heart tighter...I really am not sure where this feeling was coming from...I did not feel lonely at all in the past months, I was, and am fine with how my life is, but still..as I stepped out of the tram, somehow the moment resembled much to a moment when I was getting off of a bus,and someone was waiting there for me.  After pulling myself together a bit, I started to think...tried to analize it, why I had this feeling, where was it coming from, but...not surprisingly, my brain was of not much help in understanding it...all I could conclude is that...people can make loud testimonies about how much they value their independence, and how great it is, how free they are thanks to being independent...there are times, when people, like me, get fed up with it, and they wish they'd be guided, waited for, taken somewhere, cared for...and I beleive it's absolutely right like this.

Ok, so after this short "emotional turn" back to my story about my Saturday.  I arrived to my friend's car and we headed North East.  After arriving to the hotel, we changed our clothes, took the boards and happily marched to the hills.  The 2 days I spent with practising.  I was OK with sliding on the back edge of the board, but did not manage to do the same with the first edge.  Hmmm...it was really a challenge!  I realized, that no wonder so many examples (when talking about life, attitudes towards life, and advices about life) are taken from the world of sports...I really wished to be able to improve and get a level closer to being advanced when it comes to snowboarding, but...for the results you need to pay...you need to put several coins of patience, endurance and will on the counter...Yep.  I fell many times..at first I was brave, and slid down very fast, because at that point there was no pain..no aching muscles in my body...but after the 3rd really big fall, I started to become more careful.  Towards the end of the day I could barely walk, and I felt like I cannot survive another fall on my knees, or on my backside..in fact even my wrists were somewhat "defected", therefore I was so much concentrating on not falling, that whenever my attention wandered away just for a little while, I fell again.  That was the stage of "time to stop", not forcing it, not feeling pressured...letting it settle, and go on. 

The next day kept some frustration still, as I was still not satisfied with my results, but then!  Tina, my friend's sister explained me the techniques, and I tried and tried, and succeeded in something (sliding on the front edge) which I did not even dare to imagine.  The road there was not easy: I had to fight myself...had to keep on telling myself that I am capable of doing it, therefore I cannot give it up...despite of all the pain within me I need to keep on going...I had to start believing in myself.  Also I had to let it loose, try, but not focused only on the success itself, but knowing that it will take a while, I just need to endure and be patient.  Last but not at least, I had to ask for help..this certainly quickened things, because if it was up to me, I would not have been able to discover the right techniques, or it would have certainly taken longer.  That is just all very similar to challenges we need to face in our lives too...work, or private...success...true results never come easy..we need to work for them! 

On Sunday, after the last sliding down, I knew I was not capable of more...both of my knees have been by that time covered with a huge brown patch...and even if the pants touched it, it hurt..it was swollen, making it grow twice its normal size...so I decided to chill out a bit, and while waiting for the other snow panther boys and girl, I visited the little restaurant, on the top of the hill.  From there I got a great view over the skiers, and snowboarders, and while I was sipping my hot coffee with milk, my mind & imagination was let free.  A good music was playing on the radio, the sun was almost setting, but its last rays coated the hilltop, the restaurant and its wooden inerior with a mild golden glamour...a certain kind of peacefulness, contentment and joy accelerated through my veins....it was as if everything that was happening around me was already recorded in the past and now its a replay, but in slow motion...except for me, because my speed was my normal speed, but as I saw things slowing down around me I also started to sink into this soft, quiet, merry world...the sunrays were still winking at me from behind the snow covered trees, it was Sunday...and I felt nowhere else could I feel so perfect...that everything is in its place, only here...sitting by the bar, my fingers wrapped around my mug filled with steaming coffee. 

After I drank my coffee, I went outside to the terrace, to check if I can catch sight of the boys.  While waiting there, marveling at the beauty of the frozen nature, I was listening to some songs...I realized, that if I pick the right songs, they are able to serve as water for the little seed of unknown emotions in me.  Some songs are able to magnify some of my moods, enabling me to melt into them more...unite with them more...and this was the case on this Sunday late afternoon as well.  I was standing there, looking at the endless forests, the thick, layer of fluffy snow, this noble, still, elegant world, and was listening to 2 songs from Lana Del Rey (blue jeans, and video games), and her very exotic/peculiar voice just raised this already vibrating, tingling feeling with me..this feeling of infinity & perfection combo.  I'm not even sure I am able to describe the scale of this feeling, but I know that it was very intense...it convinced me that everything is in its place, and that the world, and within this world our soul as well is beyond any borders...

Special thanks to the snow panthers for this fantastic, enriching weekend, and also for the magnificent video capturing all the joyous moments :) 

A mystic light

Last week a friend of mine, my most faithful (only) reader called my attention to the fact, that lately, I'm not writing much on my blog.  At first, I thought it's bad, because I knew the reason for not writing was, that I did not quite know what to write.  I took part in adventures, I met people, many things happened, many influenced me, many words, theories, moods, colours have passed through me, yet I did not find them "worthy" enough, to remember.  I thought, I lost my capability of "tracking" things..even small things...I started to be somewhat afraid, that I became numb to the wonders of the world..I started to doubt if I can still hear the moon whispering, or my ears gave in, and let it be overriden by the noise of the city...I started to doubt, if I can still take long trips into the labyrinth of imagination.  I need to confess, for a while I thought, this is what poets, writers might define as "crisis".  But then I realized, that these above mentioned qualities of mine have not vanished, just the huge driving force behind, that pushed them within me until I managed to set them free somehow has been blown away by the cold winter wind of 2012 january.  Last year was filled with melancholy, contemplation, pain, self pity, self blame, and a tireless battle between my heart and mind...between my ego, and my soul.  The result was: a creative period on one hand, and too much thinking, too much analizing on the other hand.  With the beginning of this year something changed..so quickly I was not even able to capture the moment, when it all turned...when my crashed, direction lost/aimless train was put back on track. 

It is not much use to talk always/only about the past, yet when I had to summarize my last year, in order to sort things out within me I was not proud of myself.  I know that, it all happened for a reason...I could have overcome hardships easier/quicker, but I didn't..and funnily enough today, I think, that it's quite all right that I didn't.  We are all different, some need less time, some more to make peace with themselves.  Some like to bury things deep down, and go on, some like to keep them at hand, look at it from all sides, trying to solve what Fate's puzzle.  I don't feel ashamed because it took me a bit longer to find the balance, rather because in the gruesome battle I did not manage my energy correctly.  I focused too much on blaming myself for all that happened, and also invested too much into self pity.  As a result, I did not give all the love, and attention to those, who love me, and support me.  All they wanted is to see/make me happy, and all they got in return was a closed, cold person, who locks herself into a stone tower, not letting anyone near, trying to avoid being hurt.  I slowly forgot that I am a precious creation of God, just like anyone else, and I gave up trusting that somehow, some day it will all work out..this hardened my heart, and this all just added a great deal to the basic scenario, which was filled with apathy. 

Yet, there is light..a shining light at the end of the tunnel!  Yesterday evening, a friend of mine came over.  I hurt him, though I did not inted to..after a hard day I grew impatient and did not answer him in a polite manner. I regretted those words, right after they were said.  I sent him a message to ask for forgiveness, but I knew too well, forgiving is not always easy. Yesterday evening was our "peace negotiation".  We went walking around the lake, and circled there for 1 and a half hour, then he came in for tea, and shisha.  He left at 3 am.  We had a really enjoyable, and meaningful talk.  I really honour him, for being honest, even if at times it proves to be difficult to say what you feel...and I look up to him, because unlike many others, he is not afraid to express his love, and he has a huge! heart, filled with much much love.  He is one of those people, who does not measure people by how they look, or what they own.  He has a good instinct of being able to see behind the masks...he has the capability of capturing one's soul.  He was able to see my soul right from the beginning through my eyes, and it's something that needs to be treasured, because there are not many who take the effort to do that. Though we talked till early morning I did not feel tired, his optimism kept me fresh and energized....and :) we discussed our little "quarrel" and made peace with each other, which eased my heart, because the weight of unfair/bad deeds - though I tried to neglect it - was truly squeezing me inside.

Today I really wanted to go to church.  I know that the mass will start at noon, but after such a short night I was not sure if I'll be able to make it.  However I woke up on time, and decided to use this opportunity, got dressed and headed to the Basilica.  In the past months I was not really visiting the church.  How come? one might ask, as it was a habit of mine from childhood. Well...I gave up...every time I went there last year, I went there with my problems, which I expected God to resolve.  All I had in me were favours, and requests, which I wanted God to fulfill.  Nice, huh?  I could not cope with the fact, that His will is not the same as my will, so I decided, ok, then we do not have any more business together.  I was still praying before falling asleep, but I could sense the change in my heart which kept me away from the church.  I lost hope, and what is worst, I stopped trusting Him, and believing, that everything is for the benefit of those who believe in Him.  Well today, like the prodigal son, I entered His house...this marvelous masterpiece of architecture. I sat down in a corner that was bathing in the golden sunrays of the winter son.  The sunlight's golden effect was even more emphasized as it made its way through a stained glass windown, that had the picture of the rising sun on it.  I sat there, in this mystical light, seeing from the corner of my eyest how the sunrays give a glamouros, glittering tone to my hair and face and like the lost ones in the desert when they find an oasis with water, could not get enough of it...tried to greedily soak in the phenomenon.  It was in a way mystical..in a moment I was almost waiting for the angels to appear, softly descending from above...I did not really manage to pay attention to anything else, it was all too beautiful, occupying all my senses at the same time.  Then the mass started, and cloud casted shadow on the window, but the calmess the gorgeous moment brought with itself remained.  It spread in my heart, and from then on with contentment in my soul I prayed for the wellbeing, joy and health of all those whom I love (and their families of course).  I gave thanks, and I asked for forgiveness...for not being strong enough, and giving it up...for not trusting...for being too selfish...for wanting to take the easy road only.

The magic day is coming to an end, yet I still feel its energy vibrating in me, even if the rest of the day was spent with rather materialistic things (shopping :) ) and with taking a dive into the infinite sea of dreams (watching Underworld 4 in the cinema :) ) - it established a solid ground within me, that no matter what, there must be hope and faith, and love, and instead of giving up on these things easily in the hard times, we must endure, and keep believing...because if not, then all is left is emptiness...a sole shell, maybe hard, maybe withstanding the storms for a while..but it's without life...not serving its purpose...to shield that precious core inside.

A new beginning...

When I started this blog last year, it was supposed to "collect" the moments of joy experience..but...somehow..not all entries turned out to be joyous after all.. I daresay, most of my entries had a rather melancholic tone to them.  I could not help it, I decided, I will be honest, and the blog will be a true mirror of a piece of my soul...after all, there was/is no reason to use masks here....whom could I fool? why would I fool anyone?  There is no use..sense..motivation behind.  The result is here..seventy some entries mainly rotating around my effort of trying to enjoy what the world has to offer, trying to capture beauty, trying to face my fears, worries, and very often sadness. Yeah, 2011 did not exactly bring what I expected of it in the very beginning.  I was harsh with myself, I wanted to have results by its end..but..little did I do to achieve those results..yet, I am happy it turned out how it did.

We are all different, that's for sure...noone needs special powers to be able to conclude that.  Difference includes not only physical appearence, ways of thinking, feeling etc. but also our attitude.  Everyone here, has such a unique set up of emotions, visions, dreams, feelings, priorities that it is on one hand a blessing, on the other a curse.  A blessing, because we can all add our special "flavour" to the world, and this individuality that lies within our special way of being created enables us to see things from different angles, giving us the chance to see colours others cannot, to dream of things others cannot.....On the other hand, it is a curse, because in times of hardship, we need to fight our own battles..and face our own demons..that belong to noone else, but only to us.  When I was down, and could not understand, accept what is happening..when I felt the world is not fair with me, and did not manage to capture, why it is playing its nasty tricks on me, I started to read many books, articles..of people, who were/are in similar situation.  I wanted a recipe..of how to overcome that sorrow.  You see I was lazy..I did not want to take up the fight, I did not want to suffer..I wanted to be over with it, as soon as I could.  But no matter what I tried..or did not try (because many were giving me advices, and I said I'd give it a go, but at the end, I refused to do so, because I did not have the taste/energy) it didn't help..because I am also a unique piece of creation, and I had to find my own tactics...and weapons of how to conquer my demons. 

I needed time...much time...especially because I wanted to rush through my "healing".  I wanted to be like others, who can finish one things, and start a new...even if it involves the heart.  I envied those, who were capable of doing that.  But at the end of last year..when I made a little summary within me, I was thankful that I took all the time I needed.  I had time for weeping, I had time for mourning over what has been lost, and this way slowly, very slowly, but my soul started to cleanse itself.  I could stare into the mirror, without look away..because there was honesty in my eyes..honesty with myself.  I did not show myself to be strong when I was weak...I did not pretend to be "not caring" when I really cared.  Yeah most of the time I did not like my reactions, but...at least I knew where I am with myself.  Time...time...time...yeah I battled a lot with time...but by now, I have a better understanding of the saying, that "everything has its time".  I'm truly thankful for that , because...I see so many people around me, who are living in the tight grip of time.  They rush, they don't even realize, but they slowly become a slave of time.  Some people are horrified of time, because it makes them age, and look old...wrinkles appear on their face, and they feel like their time is over.  Women near 30 go mad, if they are still single, because the feel that time is urging them to start founding a family...so what do they do? They make tons of compromises, and marry a guy, who might not have been a man of their dreams 2 years ago, but now that the time is closing in on them, they start to panic, and do almost everything to have kids.  They make a mistake for they mix a type of love/attraction with true love...that to blossom, needs, guess what? Time.  I dunno...but whenever I rush..I always leave something at home..I am not focused enough, and the work I complete in a rush is not 100%...I think it can have such effects on a bigger scale too.  Therefore I made peace with time....I won't rush...I will give him space and open the door for him, to continue his soulforming work within me.

I could not be friends with time, if I did not have hope.  True, when bad things happen, and we feel fate has not been fair to us, it is easy to give up hope....why would the future be different? there is no guarantee, and there were so many times when I hoped for something, and it never happened.  Yet, if we are the swords, hope is the fire that trains the steal.....it melts it, so that the steal could be formed under the hammering hands of Fate/God, cooled down in the soothing pool of faith, resulting in the masterpiece of the craftsman, in which he finds joy.  Hope is not easy to keep by our side, but without it, we could not go on...our soul would be left deserted..without water.

A really powerful demon, I had to face past year was loneliness.  It was so strong, that it took away my ability to have a healthy attitude towards reality..what surrounds me from day to day.  Because the world..society..it is as it is..1 person can not do too much to change it...if there is crisis..people can complain, that they are depressed, or tired, or demotivated, because the world is so negative around them..and there is this crisis, and it steps ahead to receive the primary role of the blame game, while in the "not admitted" foggy background the true reason stays hidden.  There were always bad times in history...yet I don't think all people became depressed, and killed themselves...on the contrary, bad times often brought people together..they started to form tighter bonds, and the lived through moments of true happiness.  I am not saying that it is just normal and common to be happy when there is war for example, I'd just like to emphasize, how much our happiness depends on our attitude.  If our attitude is the following: "OK, this is rather shit..this economy, world, work etc. yet I try to accept it, as it is now, and Heaven forbid even try to look for moments of joy..as it is the present, and that's what matters, and who knows, the future might bring something brighter" then we are able to come out of difficult situations with a strengthened, healthier soul.  And!!! this is what I discovered, that this attitude of mine was washed away by the feeling of "loneliness" in 2011.  I complained about many things...work, economy, society, youth, the world..but behind all this was the fear of loneliness.  I might be wrong, but I think I'm not the only one, who can be paralized by it.  I've seen some people, and read about a few, who go from one relationship to another because they cannot stay alone, because they are so afraid of being alone.  I think it is really not the best..because in my opinion, these people are much dependent on their partner.  If they don't have one, they don't feel complete, but then, it makes me think, they are half people.  I would certainly not like to be with such a person, because I'd always question, if he really loves me, or just my status of being his "partner" and as such, supporter, comforter etc.  So my loneliness was a cunning one...I needed someone, because somewhere deep I probably hoped, that this other one can solve the problems I couldn't.  Foolish no?  Well Fate certainly is a cruel master, He did not let me escape my lessons, and kept me alone all year long! :) By now, I'm thankful for that, because I'd like to grow, and get to know myself more..I'd like to be confident, and I'd like to be a friend of myself..knowing my values, and my weakpoints too...and once if there will be a chance I'd like to become the worthy partner of someone, who appreciates being alone, and its advantages, but knows that love can only be multiplied when it is shared. 

On the 2nd day of January 2012 I am rather talkative :) but most of all, I'm calm, happy, and hopeful.  There is finally peace in me, not afraid of being lonely any more, rather even enjoying it, and using all its opportunities. In this year, I'd like to be even more cheerful and brave, the dreamy, childish girl I used to be, and I look forward to achieve a few things I've always been postponing, such aaaas getting a driving license! :DDD uhum!! I'll continue writing this blog too, because I realized, writing down what is on my mind alleviates the tension, and sets me free of the turmoil of thought storming in my mind (& heart) time to time :)  Happy 2012!