I could be writing about long hours in the office..about crowds in shopping malls, about rush, frustration, spending money, travelling, exhaustion, empty flat...but I choose not to...rather I'd like to share my dream about a Christmas..my feelings, my desires, a picture of this special time of the year..how it is settled deep within my heart..a vision, I'd wish everyone could parttake in...once...
In my dreams, there is a little house next to the forest..sinking softly in the snow, just like a little nest..hidden amongst the vast land of fluffy feathers..its small chimney is puffing a gentle smoke, making it even more inviting...even more cozy...it is the only sign of life amidst the still, peaceful, frozen world. All the branches of the trees are coated with ice, they hold a thick layer of snow, just like the roof of the small house. There are icicles hanging from the terrace top, a gift, a special decoration for those, who respect nature and choose to live close to it. The fence enclosing a merry company of snowman builders is deeply embedded in the freshly fallen snow. On the courtyard a curious creature - chocolate brown labrador - is marveling at what those mitten wearing, scarfed humans are doing. He'd like to be of help, therefore keeps on jumping up and down with enthusiasm and sniffs at the snow time to time, making his nose look like he just lifted his head up from a jar filled with whipped cream. Yep, everyone is happy for the snow! To celebrate it, a new family member is being created. Little stones of coal, carrot and a sweeper is looked after in the barn, and the creation begins. It takes time, and hard work, but the result is fascinating. A huge, smiling, yet noble snowman, with a nice big bucket serving as his hat. The wild animals exploring from behind the tree all come to see the newborn, a child of winter, the mighty king of the snow covered infinity.
Inside the little house all sort of delicacies are being prepared. Soup boiling, meat roasting, gingerbread figurines are springing into life, as the practiced hands help them to form their personalities through their unique forms. The fire whistles merrily, filling the whole place with the tart smell of orange skin, drying, evapourating on top of it. The star of the night, the Christmas tree is being decorated with care, surrounded by glimmering eyes, and cold bit red faces. The morning and afternoon is all about enthusiastic preparation...getting ready for the evening, when the most wonderful gift to humankind is being celebrated. The ones in the little house know this. They feel it deep down in their hearts. They know that with decorating the tree, with cooking the most delicious of meals (everyone's favourite) they do not only follow a habit...but in the meantime they dress their souls up too..to shine, to gleam, to radiate the warmth of love to the ones present, and to the whole world. They stare at the foggy window and marvel at the slowly, playfully swirling snowflakes, and the little blue-yellow birds besieging the little house set up for them on the ledge, full of seeds, that'll keep their small stomach full, and satisfied.
When the evening comes, the habitants of the little house on the edge of the small town go to the church. They choose to walk, because they love the sound of crackling snow underneath their feet. In the church they hear the most important message, that should not only be remembered on this special night but throughout the rest of our lives: Faith, Love and Hope, and of all of these, the greatest is Love. With these 3 words, nicely wrapped and nested in their heart, they head home, to that lovely little house, that preserved all its warmth, and intimacy for them.
As they step in, a certain kind of solemnity falls to everyone. All within the family feel it..young or old...it's the realization of belonging to each other. It's the love, that immense love overflowing their hearts, filling the air, and all it's atoms with coziness, with appreciation that they are there for each other...that the world can end in any minute, but nothing could break the connection between them...it's the ancient knowledge, that they are tied to each other by the bond of Love that withstands everything...that nothing is strong enough to destroy these ties. Storms can come, bad times can make people feel hopeless, but this everlasting fire will always be burning within their hearts. It is something that cannot be described by words, but is there in the gleaming of those eyes...in the salty hotness of those tears cried because of letting this majestic feeling overtake their hearts...it is the absolute realization, that after all...we are not alone...that there are moments, when that little heart sets itself free from the prison of the cruel lord called Ego, and then we feel like, we are truly at home. That the moment, when everything is perfect and complete, and we'd like the time to stop, has arrived. The homemade presents handed over to each other are just small symbols of this captivating, powerful feeling dominating the evening.
Cheerful laughs fill the room, as presents are opened, and Christmas dinner is served. All that fun in the snow, preparation...all those sentiments.....lead into a string of continous yawns..starting to pop up amongst the younger generation, being passed slowly onto the older ones. The dog is already snoring on the carpet, next to the door, the thrill of all that joy, all those games tired him. A well deserved sleep awaits them all, and after checking the snowman from the window, if he's still watching over their sleepy home, they fall into soft white dreams, inhaling the soulsooothing smell of the pine tree, as the fire is dinging in the fireplace, telling tales of ancient times, heroes, secrets and treasures, which many have gone in search to find, but they managed to explore on this special Christmas night...that love is ultimate, and is above all.
Monday, 19 December 2011
Monday, 5 December 2011
Water and fire
Monday is not my favourite day to start with...another week, work, computers, office, tasks, emails, calls...another day of determining to change it all, another reassurance of being completely trapped in a rat race, without any exit signs..It was raining as I headed to the office, and for an hour or so, I could not really push myself to work, instead I gazed at the rushingly passing grey clouds from the window. The day actually went quicker than I expected, as the issues started to pop up like mushrooms in the autum forest after a good rain, and I found myself being so much absorbed, I forgot to notice the passing of time. It was 7 pm, when I finally grabbed my things and left. This time, I did not walk all the way home, I got on the subway, then got off at station from where it's still a good 30 minutes to arrive home, if one decides to walk. And I decided to walk...impossibly enough, today was a really warm day for a winter! As my legs obediently carried me towards my flat, I let my coat be unbuttoned, to serve as a meaningful invitation for the mild evening breeze, encouraging him to exhale a kiss on every square millimeter of my body. It felt so fascinating, so refreshing! Standing there in the wind, battling with the breeze wishing to undress me, while the back of my black coat floated behind me, despairingly clinging to me. I believe some people shot a strange look towards my direction, as they noticed my uncovered neck, and satisfied smile.
Upon arriving home, my first thing was to prepare a tea for myself, which I drank while surfing a bit on internet. And then I started to feel some tension in my muscles...there was nothing interesting to read, and in fact I grew tired of looking at the screen, so for a while I just sat, and several thoughts crossed my mind. I felt the urge of giving some workout for my body. Lately I've spent some time looking for some courses, which would be at a fitful time, and would serve as a stress dissolver after work, aaaand first I was thinking about some martial art, but then! It dawned on me...I needed to dance...it always helped me release the pain, to push up the level of adrenalin, and to fly me to my world of dreams.
I've got a favourite song..it feels like, every time I listen to it, as if it was written for me..the tunes, the melody has it all, all I'd want to say, but never could..it speaks from the bottom of my heart. It is the song called "Tango to Evora" and this time, I found a quicker, danceable version of it. I started to play it, and unwillingly, my body started to sway...I got up, turned the lights on, dressed down, to be more comfortable, and eliminate any obstacles for my body to move as it wishes, and started to dance. All the grief, the sorrow, the impatience and satisfaction disappeared, it got transformed to a renewed energy, that opened the gates of my imagination. I was not in my room any more...it was not me any more...the beast within me got released, and after being locked up, pushed behind for a while, it went crazy, and drifted me along with herself. I was there dancing on the cliff above the sea, while the wawes hit the rocks with a thundering roar....I was in the middle of the spring field, surrounded by thousands of flowers....I was dancing under the falling leaves in an autumn forest, as well as under the starry summer sky. My eyes gleamed with fire, and I felt the power enough to overtake the whole world if I wanted to. And then...I understood...lately I've been satisfying only a certain side of me...I have been too much of a conformist...complying with the laws, and normal expectations...but there's a side to me that dwells within the deep, and she is crazy...she's a witch, she doesn't mind if what she does shocks people, she loves the nature and defies habits, customs, or behavioural codexes. I've yet to learn how to handle this witch, how to set her free,hopefully the practice of dancing will serve the purpose, as when I'm dancing I'm the fire....but in all the rest I do, I feel myself more identical to water...2 elements...2 contraries..if I'm not careful, the water can extinguish all the fire, leaving nothing, but steam behind, that disappears in the thin air....
Upon arriving home, my first thing was to prepare a tea for myself, which I drank while surfing a bit on internet. And then I started to feel some tension in my muscles...there was nothing interesting to read, and in fact I grew tired of looking at the screen, so for a while I just sat, and several thoughts crossed my mind. I felt the urge of giving some workout for my body. Lately I've spent some time looking for some courses, which would be at a fitful time, and would serve as a stress dissolver after work, aaaand first I was thinking about some martial art, but then! It dawned on me...I needed to dance...it always helped me release the pain, to push up the level of adrenalin, and to fly me to my world of dreams.
I've got a favourite song..it feels like, every time I listen to it, as if it was written for me..the tunes, the melody has it all, all I'd want to say, but never could..it speaks from the bottom of my heart. It is the song called "Tango to Evora" and this time, I found a quicker, danceable version of it. I started to play it, and unwillingly, my body started to sway...I got up, turned the lights on, dressed down, to be more comfortable, and eliminate any obstacles for my body to move as it wishes, and started to dance. All the grief, the sorrow, the impatience and satisfaction disappeared, it got transformed to a renewed energy, that opened the gates of my imagination. I was not in my room any more...it was not me any more...the beast within me got released, and after being locked up, pushed behind for a while, it went crazy, and drifted me along with herself. I was there dancing on the cliff above the sea, while the wawes hit the rocks with a thundering roar....I was in the middle of the spring field, surrounded by thousands of flowers....I was dancing under the falling leaves in an autumn forest, as well as under the starry summer sky. My eyes gleamed with fire, and I felt the power enough to overtake the whole world if I wanted to. And then...I understood...lately I've been satisfying only a certain side of me...I have been too much of a conformist...complying with the laws, and normal expectations...but there's a side to me that dwells within the deep, and she is crazy...she's a witch, she doesn't mind if what she does shocks people, she loves the nature and defies habits, customs, or behavioural codexes. I've yet to learn how to handle this witch, how to set her free,hopefully the practice of dancing will serve the purpose, as when I'm dancing I'm the fire....but in all the rest I do, I feel myself more identical to water...2 elements...2 contraries..if I'm not careful, the water can extinguish all the fire, leaving nothing, but steam behind, that disappears in the thin air....
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Not giving in..not giving up
Autumn's gold has been traded for winter's gloom...the yawning buildings, black coats, nose tickling smell of roasted marones and cold hands above the fire waiting to be brought back to life...this is the time when the world is dreaming about the cheerful, colour packed summer days. Memories of carefree barefeet running on the field, gentle sunrays drinking up water pearls from ours skin..music, life, buzzing of bugs all around, and winking stars that giggle as they reflect in our eyes while watching them from the top of bale of hay. But winter has its charm...it makes us dwell a bit more inside..chill..stop for a second, and give wings to our fantasies with a nice cup of hot tea by our sides. This is the time for collecting the little seeds, that get planted in the spring. The sun rushes to sleep to steal the light from the days, only to leave us in darkness..alone with our thoughts and desires. Yet I must say I love it...only these days do I learn to appreciate the warmth, when outside it's cold...only now do I learn to appreciate the colours, when outside everything melts into the shade of grey or white. The roughness and gloominess of the winter...this heart freezing stillness is needed, to teach us patience, and strengthen our faith. Because all winter is followed by the spring, yet in December there are days when it seems out of reach..when I feel I'm stuck in the melancholy, and I don't find the grip...no control is in my hands of changing it..it has it's time, and it happens for a reason, but if I keep on believing, that it will be exchanged by days filled with flower fragrant, smiles and the rebirth of nature, it will come. Till then, I have to be ready to enjoy and utilize all the beauty, and wisdom winter has to offer.
I realized, that the greatest thing hindering me from finding myself was that I gave up the hope, and as such lost faith...and we all know that there are 3 great things: Faith, Hope and Love..and the greatest of these is Love..but can Love survive in someone, who has lost hope and faith? I'm not sure... I lost faith ..well..I thought in the world...but I realized now, that it was just a consequence...I lost faith in myself...I gave up dreaming big...I gave in to logic...rationalism...I started to expect things which were compatible with other people's expectations...I thought to myself, maybe I really need to realize what things are possible, and what not. I started to categorize, and based on what I saw around me, based on what stories I've heard, I lost my faith in myself and in others...I lost my hope of being able to share the joy and magic sparkling within me. I thought it is time for me to "grow up" and fit in the society, that seemingly works so well for so many...providing jobs, places of entertainment, relationships....marriages. I started to look at people, and compared to me they seemed so "normal", living their lives, how it should be..reaching their 30s, working, buying a house, founding a family. I could not understand, how can it be, that it goes so well for them, but I cannot show up any records on this frontier. I started to dwell within me and look for errors I'm committing, I started to analyze my behaviour and attitude, but could not come up with the solution, and maybe it is so because there is no formula for it. So for a while, I thought I could try to be like others, working and...working, and going out, not thinking so much, take things that come my way etc. Well, nothing happened, apart from realizing that....I cannot fully adapt to the world and become like it is...in fact I don't need to adapt..maybe many do it, because it's easier, or because it really satisfies them, and they really don't wish for more.....but I should'nt....I can't slowly "kill" myself with doubtfulness, criticism, cynicism and cold logic, because that's what happened when I tried to adapt (maybe my way of adapting was not the best either)...I put aside the dreams and exchanged them to plain experience, trends, news etc... Yeah the world is as it is, but I can't blame anything on it, as after all, it is mainly how I view it, that's what I learned.....and all the little miracles are part of it, I just need to be alert enough to find them. I know...sometimes...I get discouraged..boredom, sadness, fear, hopelessness and emptiness do overcome me, and I think..there is no reason...no harmony..no future...but then..a friend invites me for homemade lunch...another very good friend feels the need of it, and offers to take care of me while I'm sick..she calls me on the phone, and caresses my soul with her kind words, and slowly...deep within my soul a whole lava river of warmth, and love creeps up to my heart, which then gets pumped to my veins and every cell within my body.
I'm not sure yet, how many times I will need to start all over again...how many times I will fall, how many times I'll land in the deep black pitch of self pity, and how many times the clawful hands of hopelessness will be wrapped around my throat, barely letting me breathe...but every time it will happen I shall pray for strength to be capable of believing that dreams can be fulfilled, and for being reminded that I'm surrounded by magnificent, loving souls, who are willing to give me a helping hand when in need.
I realized, that the greatest thing hindering me from finding myself was that I gave up the hope, and as such lost faith...and we all know that there are 3 great things: Faith, Hope and Love..and the greatest of these is Love..but can Love survive in someone, who has lost hope and faith? I'm not sure... I lost faith ..well..I thought in the world...but I realized now, that it was just a consequence...I lost faith in myself...I gave up dreaming big...I gave in to logic...rationalism...I started to expect things which were compatible with other people's expectations...I thought to myself, maybe I really need to realize what things are possible, and what not. I started to categorize, and based on what I saw around me, based on what stories I've heard, I lost my faith in myself and in others...I lost my hope of being able to share the joy and magic sparkling within me. I thought it is time for me to "grow up" and fit in the society, that seemingly works so well for so many...providing jobs, places of entertainment, relationships....marriages. I started to look at people, and compared to me they seemed so "normal", living their lives, how it should be..reaching their 30s, working, buying a house, founding a family. I could not understand, how can it be, that it goes so well for them, but I cannot show up any records on this frontier. I started to dwell within me and look for errors I'm committing, I started to analyze my behaviour and attitude, but could not come up with the solution, and maybe it is so because there is no formula for it. So for a while, I thought I could try to be like others, working and...working, and going out, not thinking so much, take things that come my way etc. Well, nothing happened, apart from realizing that....I cannot fully adapt to the world and become like it is...in fact I don't need to adapt..maybe many do it, because it's easier, or because it really satisfies them, and they really don't wish for more.....but I should'nt....I can't slowly "kill" myself with doubtfulness, criticism, cynicism and cold logic, because that's what happened when I tried to adapt (maybe my way of adapting was not the best either)...I put aside the dreams and exchanged them to plain experience, trends, news etc... Yeah the world is as it is, but I can't blame anything on it, as after all, it is mainly how I view it, that's what I learned.....and all the little miracles are part of it, I just need to be alert enough to find them. I know...sometimes...I get discouraged..boredom, sadness, fear, hopelessness and emptiness do overcome me, and I think..there is no reason...no harmony..no future...but then..a friend invites me for homemade lunch...another very good friend feels the need of it, and offers to take care of me while I'm sick..she calls me on the phone, and caresses my soul with her kind words, and slowly...deep within my soul a whole lava river of warmth, and love creeps up to my heart, which then gets pumped to my veins and every cell within my body.
I'm not sure yet, how many times I will need to start all over again...how many times I will fall, how many times I'll land in the deep black pitch of self pity, and how many times the clawful hands of hopelessness will be wrapped around my throat, barely letting me breathe...but every time it will happen I shall pray for strength to be capable of believing that dreams can be fulfilled, and for being reminded that I'm surrounded by magnificent, loving souls, who are willing to give me a helping hand when in need.
Saturday, 3 December 2011
Lost?
Time seems to have stopped...somewhere in the middle of a hazy, autumn afternoon...on the road to a railway station..it decided to have a rest in that love filled atmosphere when everything seemed to be perfect, and in balance..
Now it's December..the Christmas is coming, but I don't feel it...the joyous expectation has flown far away from me..I'm sitting by my table, warmth is radiating from the heater in the room, yet a certain kind of chill is cooling me from inside..no lights are on, only my 2 candles are burning ...1 is placed in an orange coloured candleholder, with cats painted on them..they smile contently, while their shadows dance on the wall..the other has the picture of a winter city on it, with colourful houses..like the ones I first saw in Prague...the ones I always wished to paint on plates..Bon Iver is singing his song, "Skinny Love" and...there is a certain air of past times...in this evening...I sat down next to my computer, wishing to describe it, to share it...to mark it...to put it in a form, so that it can be shared, but I seem to fail...maybe because it is so complex...maybe because it's too melancholic and does not suit the mood connected to this time of the year...
Today afternoon I went out to the Christmas market at Vorosmarty square...it was raining so heavily, that I got completely wet..and frozen..there was a whole crowd of people, in groups, looking around, drinking mulled wine, chatting, trying to steal a bit of the "longing" into their souls...it was nice to see them, hunting for presents, enjoying themselves...and...yet, it was a bit sad too...for me...because they all seemed to be knowing something I don't...they seemed to be determined, filled with plans, as if they knew what they wanted, and also, the way of getting there...while me...these weeks I feel lost...I'm not sure where it's coming from..maybe it is because we are getting close to the end of the year, and I just start to realize, how quickly another year of my life has passed by. Maybe it is because I had expectation with regards to the end of this year....I wanted this year to be done...because it was probably one of the toughest so far..not phisically, or financially, nope, in my inner world...growth...I knew it will not be easy to overcome..and maybe I expected the end of the year to be different...maybe I was waiting for a magic fairy to change it all with a swoosh of her wand..and...the yearend is coming closer and not much seem to have been changed...
I traveled "around the world"...almost...this year I've been to Spain, Amsterdam, UK, Romania, Slovenia, Czech Republic, France, Austria, Morocco, Poland...all this traveling was done, and besides getting familiar with those cultures, and widening my horizon, I still did not reach what I was truly looking for...figuring out what could make me happy, how I could establish new dreams, and start working on them. Right now, it all seems a bit like all I've done was a way of escaping...escaping from something that was too hard to overcome otherwise..something that might always appear as a big question mark in my life. Next year..I don't plan to travel...I had enough of it for a while...instead of doing that, I hope to spend more time finding something that pleases my soul...that brings me closer to myself...I mean my true self....Working very hard to chase away thoughts, traveling, making tons of programs only placed additional layers on what I should be digging up...I'm not saying I regret it...not a minute of it...it had to be so, it had to be tried..so that now I could see, it's not the right path....the only problem is, I'm not sure what is the right path....I feel like I could sit here for ages..listening to the rain outside, imagining the cold..appreciating the warmth within the shelter of my home...this cozyness, the tunes of music are so soothing for my soul...and yet, these are the times when I start to think...and it's not always advantageous....because then a feeling of being out of place and lost overcomes me...a feeling of lost hopes...a feeling of emptyness...a shiver shakes my whole body, and I find myself standing on a snowy road, in the cold night...the lights of warm rooms in the houses of a nearby village within sight...and I feel the longing..of wanting to go there...entering those rooms...but knowing that I don't belong there, because noone is waiting there for me...I know it sounds sad and depressive, maybe it is just the fever talking from me at the moment....but it's so...I feel like I've lost the connection...the ability to connect to others' heart, and also the ability of receiving/welcoming others wanting to connect to my heart...seems like I can't find that special connection again...and maybe it is because I built too many walls around myself...protecting myself, but by the same token, locking myself in within those walls...maybe all this melancholy is again the byproduct of my dreams clashing with reality...maybe I really should start viewing the world as it is, and not through the glasses of my emotions/visions/dreams...but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that....because I'm born like that...dreamy...sensitive...closed and....weird...
It just...all seems to be upside down...inside out...lopsided...routinous..superficial...fake...lukewarm...where did righteousness, respect, beauty, deep emotions, loyalty and love all go? Is it all here, but I'm too blind to see? Or has it chosen another planet..space and moved there? If yes..is there a way I could bring it back? I feel lazy....maybe I am not trying enough to search for happiness and walk along its side...maybe I am weak too, because I give in too easily for the dissatisfaction, and my ego, who loves to complain, and paint black the skies of life...yeah...for the moment the warrior is certainly at rest...she needs to relax, and pull together her strength to keep her going, fighting the coming battles...I guess its acceptable to have such moments...evenings when she puts down the armour, and allows loneliness, sadness and fear sitting with her around the fire. After all, it's good to get familiar with the nature of the enemy, if one wants to be successful in the war...
Now it's December..the Christmas is coming, but I don't feel it...the joyous expectation has flown far away from me..I'm sitting by my table, warmth is radiating from the heater in the room, yet a certain kind of chill is cooling me from inside..no lights are on, only my 2 candles are burning ...1 is placed in an orange coloured candleholder, with cats painted on them..they smile contently, while their shadows dance on the wall..the other has the picture of a winter city on it, with colourful houses..like the ones I first saw in Prague...the ones I always wished to paint on plates..Bon Iver is singing his song, "Skinny Love" and...there is a certain air of past times...in this evening...I sat down next to my computer, wishing to describe it, to share it...to mark it...to put it in a form, so that it can be shared, but I seem to fail...maybe because it is so complex...maybe because it's too melancholic and does not suit the mood connected to this time of the year...
Today afternoon I went out to the Christmas market at Vorosmarty square...it was raining so heavily, that I got completely wet..and frozen..there was a whole crowd of people, in groups, looking around, drinking mulled wine, chatting, trying to steal a bit of the "longing" into their souls...it was nice to see them, hunting for presents, enjoying themselves...and...yet, it was a bit sad too...for me...because they all seemed to be knowing something I don't...they seemed to be determined, filled with plans, as if they knew what they wanted, and also, the way of getting there...while me...these weeks I feel lost...I'm not sure where it's coming from..maybe it is because we are getting close to the end of the year, and I just start to realize, how quickly another year of my life has passed by. Maybe it is because I had expectation with regards to the end of this year....I wanted this year to be done...because it was probably one of the toughest so far..not phisically, or financially, nope, in my inner world...growth...I knew it will not be easy to overcome..and maybe I expected the end of the year to be different...maybe I was waiting for a magic fairy to change it all with a swoosh of her wand..and...the yearend is coming closer and not much seem to have been changed...
I traveled "around the world"...almost...this year I've been to Spain, Amsterdam, UK, Romania, Slovenia, Czech Republic, France, Austria, Morocco, Poland...all this traveling was done, and besides getting familiar with those cultures, and widening my horizon, I still did not reach what I was truly looking for...figuring out what could make me happy, how I could establish new dreams, and start working on them. Right now, it all seems a bit like all I've done was a way of escaping...escaping from something that was too hard to overcome otherwise..something that might always appear as a big question mark in my life. Next year..I don't plan to travel...I had enough of it for a while...instead of doing that, I hope to spend more time finding something that pleases my soul...that brings me closer to myself...I mean my true self....Working very hard to chase away thoughts, traveling, making tons of programs only placed additional layers on what I should be digging up...I'm not saying I regret it...not a minute of it...it had to be so, it had to be tried..so that now I could see, it's not the right path....the only problem is, I'm not sure what is the right path....I feel like I could sit here for ages..listening to the rain outside, imagining the cold..appreciating the warmth within the shelter of my home...this cozyness, the tunes of music are so soothing for my soul...and yet, these are the times when I start to think...and it's not always advantageous....because then a feeling of being out of place and lost overcomes me...a feeling of lost hopes...a feeling of emptyness...a shiver shakes my whole body, and I find myself standing on a snowy road, in the cold night...the lights of warm rooms in the houses of a nearby village within sight...and I feel the longing..of wanting to go there...entering those rooms...but knowing that I don't belong there, because noone is waiting there for me...I know it sounds sad and depressive, maybe it is just the fever talking from me at the moment....but it's so...I feel like I've lost the connection...the ability to connect to others' heart, and also the ability of receiving/welcoming others wanting to connect to my heart...seems like I can't find that special connection again...and maybe it is because I built too many walls around myself...protecting myself, but by the same token, locking myself in within those walls...maybe all this melancholy is again the byproduct of my dreams clashing with reality...maybe I really should start viewing the world as it is, and not through the glasses of my emotions/visions/dreams...but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do that....because I'm born like that...dreamy...sensitive...closed and....weird...
It just...all seems to be upside down...inside out...lopsided...routinous..superficial...fake...lukewarm...where did righteousness, respect, beauty, deep emotions, loyalty and love all go? Is it all here, but I'm too blind to see? Or has it chosen another planet..space and moved there? If yes..is there a way I could bring it back? I feel lazy....maybe I am not trying enough to search for happiness and walk along its side...maybe I am weak too, because I give in too easily for the dissatisfaction, and my ego, who loves to complain, and paint black the skies of life...yeah...for the moment the warrior is certainly at rest...she needs to relax, and pull together her strength to keep her going, fighting the coming battles...I guess its acceptable to have such moments...evenings when she puts down the armour, and allows loneliness, sadness and fear sitting with her around the fire. After all, it's good to get familiar with the nature of the enemy, if one wants to be successful in the war...
Monday, 7 November 2011
Under the golden shadow of autumn leaves
Under the golden shadow of autum leaves
I shall finally find my peace
A pact made by two fearless souls in dreams
To alleviate the pain caused them by their beliefs.
For though their paths may have been designed
not to cross
In the depths of the forest, on a soft, dark,
green bed of moss
They shall meet to break the seal
And through love, let their weary heart heal.
A moment lost, should once be found
Far away from all, that's profound
In the mids of falling leaves, shivering shamelessly
Blessed by the Universe, they fulfil their destiny.
Under the golden shadow of autumn leaves
There are no more lies, no more fears
The caress of pale sunrays sets their skin on fire
The air around them thickens with pure desire.
As their bodies entwine in ecstasy,
Their souls fly through the gates of infinity.
No trace of any "whys" or buts"
Only ashes left on the redblood leafy rug.
This little writing above is dedicated to someone, whom I owe much..a friend of mine, who is though far, is very precious for me. He made me laugh, and feel alive again in the past few weeks....and...he also loves the autumn forest....
I shall finally find my peace
A pact made by two fearless souls in dreams
To alleviate the pain caused them by their beliefs.
For though their paths may have been designed
not to cross
In the depths of the forest, on a soft, dark,
green bed of moss
They shall meet to break the seal
And through love, let their weary heart heal.
A moment lost, should once be found
Far away from all, that's profound
In the mids of falling leaves, shivering shamelessly
Blessed by the Universe, they fulfil their destiny.
Under the golden shadow of autumn leaves
There are no more lies, no more fears
The caress of pale sunrays sets their skin on fire
The air around them thickens with pure desire.
As their bodies entwine in ecstasy,
Their souls fly through the gates of infinity.
No trace of any "whys" or buts"
Only ashes left on the redblood leafy rug.
This little writing above is dedicated to someone, whom I owe much..a friend of mine, who is though far, is very precious for me. He made me laugh, and feel alive again in the past few weeks....and...he also loves the autumn forest....
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
The magic lamp
Home again...after a long trip, to the land of magic, I'm home again...enriched, equipped with new strength, I'm sitting on the floor, and my vision is swallowed by the red light my goat skin lamp is radiating.
It's strange, because it's raining lightly outside, the city has wrapped itself in mist to prevent the autumn creeping underneath. I hear the cars splashing as they enter a little pot filled with water, I feel the cold, the shivering leaves of the trees...I sense the melancholy hiding in the pores of every grey coat passing by me on the street....but I smile inside. Why? Because upon entering my flat, I sit down, put a candle to lit the goat skin lamp and my journey begins.
This magic lamp encloses in itself the heart-felt, intimate atmosphere of the shop where it was made. The touch of rough hands that dried the skin, the gentle caress of the woman who painted the geccos with henna on it. It is a piece from a world, where my senses came alive. Its red, mysterious light is a link to Seherezade, telling me a tale every night, filling my heart with dreams of a distant land, where the muezzin calls the people to pray early in the morning, with a song so ancient, so pure, that even if you have been brought up in a different religion, you feel a sort of rush inside to kneel down and give thanks to the mighty God who is with you in all of your battles, fears, and doubts, supporting you, loving you. This lamp has been born in a land, where many live from little, where people travel on the back of donkeys, where taking your good to the market can be a major portion of your income, where shepherds watching over their sheep and goats bend their knees, join their hands in awe, place their forehead on the ground and pray when they hear the call their heart. As my eyes focus more and more on the lamp, I feel it opening up for me, trusting me, and sharing more and more of its secrets with me.
It shows me the old medina of Fez, with its narrow streets, guarded by thick walls on each side, a little path only enough for one person to pass..shadowy in the daytime..and pitch black in the nighttime...it is as if time has picked you up, and made you land in an age, where this city was flourishing, its passageways were loud of the travellers, merchants and peasants bargaining. You feel like you are in the times, when Jesus could be found just on the next corner sharing wisdom, and spreading the words of love. You can feel the ancient dust and sand, stirred up by the thousands of babouches hurrying up and down the alleys. You touch the walls, and hear the multitude of stories they have to tell upon finding an ear willing to listen. They are so keen on sharing! They've seen kingdoms rise and fall, conquerors come and go, heard whispers of love and betray. They have felt the touch of death's cloak on their surface as it walked across the gateway, invisibly leaving nothing but cries and despair behind.
It shows me the crowded market of Marrakech, it enriches my senses, paints a forever changing picture coloured by vivid scarves of silk, carpets of cotton, with patterns of the East, craftworks, slippers, golden and silver shining masterpieces of jewelry, nuts, chickpeas, bananas, mangos, lichis, leather bags and belts, necklaces, ornated figurines of camels... and if that is not overwhelming enough, it picks on your nose as next, it fills it with a mixture of thousands smells: myrrh, sweet perfumes, freshly cooking tagines, fruits, vegetables, livestock, fish, sweat, sugarcoated sweets, raw meat, and the smell of the Sahara that traveled on the back of camels whose eyes are lost in infinity. The market does not leave you get away with invading only your eyes and nose, it wants your ears as well. There's such a festival of sounds, your thoughts get pushed far behind. All you hear is the dissonance of people speaking a language that is broken every now and then with a strong "ch" sound, then it gets swallowed by the snake charming music spiced a bit with some drums and modern upbeat pouring out across the doorsteps of the shops you pass by. Then this already serious orchestral adventure gets added the flavour of arguing cats, squawking chickens, and giggling children...and there you have it. Your ability to separate is lost..all you see, smell and hear is a blur of the bubbling life, vibrating all around you, taking you in, filling you up...enchanting you completely.
It shows me the shores of Essaouira. Calmed down, exhausted after the long journey, it carries me to the shore of the ocean..where laying down on the hot sand I may hear the roaring of the waves as they approach the beach. They are like the wildest and strongest of white horses..unstoppable, dignified and royal. They hit their feet to the ground, and the soft sands gives in to the pressure, as the horses make their ways out..carrying starfishes, and little shells with themselves. It shows me the distant island, where the people infected with leprosy have been sent to, let alone themselves, to wait for the unavoidable.....(I imagined how sad it had to be for them to stand on the cliffs there, being able to see the mainland, where maybe their families were living, to see it, to feel the breeze coming from that direction, and knowing that they would never be able to embarque on those shores again, reuniting with their loved ones, setting foot on the land they called their home)......it takes me to the port, where numerous blue boats are swaying softly waiting for the dawn, when their owners set off to deal with the majestic lord, the ocean, and the riches it has to offer, in exchange for the fishermen's hard work.
Maybe by now you understand why I call it a magic lamp..it is filled with all the memories I collected in the past 9 days and more. It melted into itself the heat of the Sahara, the honest and kind smiles of the people I met, the success of all the bargaining I made, the lengthy miles I traveled, the stars I counted while laying on the top terrace of the riads, where I was accomodated. It consists of a world, that opened new gates in front of me...gates that could only be opened by exposing me to a culture, a world, a place, a climate that was yet unknown to me..... I shall always be thankful to God and those who shared this journey with me.
It's strange, because it's raining lightly outside, the city has wrapped itself in mist to prevent the autumn creeping underneath. I hear the cars splashing as they enter a little pot filled with water, I feel the cold, the shivering leaves of the trees...I sense the melancholy hiding in the pores of every grey coat passing by me on the street....but I smile inside. Why? Because upon entering my flat, I sit down, put a candle to lit the goat skin lamp and my journey begins.
This magic lamp encloses in itself the heart-felt, intimate atmosphere of the shop where it was made. The touch of rough hands that dried the skin, the gentle caress of the woman who painted the geccos with henna on it. It is a piece from a world, where my senses came alive. Its red, mysterious light is a link to Seherezade, telling me a tale every night, filling my heart with dreams of a distant land, where the muezzin calls the people to pray early in the morning, with a song so ancient, so pure, that even if you have been brought up in a different religion, you feel a sort of rush inside to kneel down and give thanks to the mighty God who is with you in all of your battles, fears, and doubts, supporting you, loving you. This lamp has been born in a land, where many live from little, where people travel on the back of donkeys, where taking your good to the market can be a major portion of your income, where shepherds watching over their sheep and goats bend their knees, join their hands in awe, place their forehead on the ground and pray when they hear the call their heart. As my eyes focus more and more on the lamp, I feel it opening up for me, trusting me, and sharing more and more of its secrets with me.
It shows me the old medina of Fez, with its narrow streets, guarded by thick walls on each side, a little path only enough for one person to pass..shadowy in the daytime..and pitch black in the nighttime...it is as if time has picked you up, and made you land in an age, where this city was flourishing, its passageways were loud of the travellers, merchants and peasants bargaining. You feel like you are in the times, when Jesus could be found just on the next corner sharing wisdom, and spreading the words of love. You can feel the ancient dust and sand, stirred up by the thousands of babouches hurrying up and down the alleys. You touch the walls, and hear the multitude of stories they have to tell upon finding an ear willing to listen. They are so keen on sharing! They've seen kingdoms rise and fall, conquerors come and go, heard whispers of love and betray. They have felt the touch of death's cloak on their surface as it walked across the gateway, invisibly leaving nothing but cries and despair behind.
It shows me the crowded market of Marrakech, it enriches my senses, paints a forever changing picture coloured by vivid scarves of silk, carpets of cotton, with patterns of the East, craftworks, slippers, golden and silver shining masterpieces of jewelry, nuts, chickpeas, bananas, mangos, lichis, leather bags and belts, necklaces, ornated figurines of camels... and if that is not overwhelming enough, it picks on your nose as next, it fills it with a mixture of thousands smells: myrrh, sweet perfumes, freshly cooking tagines, fruits, vegetables, livestock, fish, sweat, sugarcoated sweets, raw meat, and the smell of the Sahara that traveled on the back of camels whose eyes are lost in infinity. The market does not leave you get away with invading only your eyes and nose, it wants your ears as well. There's such a festival of sounds, your thoughts get pushed far behind. All you hear is the dissonance of people speaking a language that is broken every now and then with a strong "ch" sound, then it gets swallowed by the snake charming music spiced a bit with some drums and modern upbeat pouring out across the doorsteps of the shops you pass by. Then this already serious orchestral adventure gets added the flavour of arguing cats, squawking chickens, and giggling children...and there you have it. Your ability to separate is lost..all you see, smell and hear is a blur of the bubbling life, vibrating all around you, taking you in, filling you up...enchanting you completely.
It shows me the shores of Essaouira. Calmed down, exhausted after the long journey, it carries me to the shore of the ocean..where laying down on the hot sand I may hear the roaring of the waves as they approach the beach. They are like the wildest and strongest of white horses..unstoppable, dignified and royal. They hit their feet to the ground, and the soft sands gives in to the pressure, as the horses make their ways out..carrying starfishes, and little shells with themselves. It shows me the distant island, where the people infected with leprosy have been sent to, let alone themselves, to wait for the unavoidable.....(I imagined how sad it had to be for them to stand on the cliffs there, being able to see the mainland, where maybe their families were living, to see it, to feel the breeze coming from that direction, and knowing that they would never be able to embarque on those shores again, reuniting with their loved ones, setting foot on the land they called their home)......it takes me to the port, where numerous blue boats are swaying softly waiting for the dawn, when their owners set off to deal with the majestic lord, the ocean, and the riches it has to offer, in exchange for the fishermen's hard work.
Maybe by now you understand why I call it a magic lamp..it is filled with all the memories I collected in the past 9 days and more. It melted into itself the heat of the Sahara, the honest and kind smiles of the people I met, the success of all the bargaining I made, the lengthy miles I traveled, the stars I counted while laying on the top terrace of the riads, where I was accomodated. It consists of a world, that opened new gates in front of me...gates that could only be opened by exposing me to a culture, a world, a place, a climate that was yet unknown to me..... I shall always be thankful to God and those who shared this journey with me.
Friday, 14 October 2011
Taking off..
So tomorrow what is known..ordinary..usual, and part of my culture, will be left behind for a while...I leave..and discover a bit of the land of mystery....the land of new hopes...
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Taking the risk
Today started a bit difficult. I had to get to the office on time, as I needed to leave "early" to be at home, where a lady measuring my yearly energy consumption was waiting for me. The alarm went off..once..twice..I stopped it and still felt numb. Outside was still grey, and I imagined it is rather chilly, while underneath the blanket it was cozy and warm. My body had a tingling, cute, comfortable feeling inside..in a way miraculous, and I knew if I move only a bit, I'll kill the magic. I didn't want to. All my cells were begging me to stay motionless, to let my eyelids close, and enjoy this strange kind of levitation I tried to explain myself that time is passing by and I really need to get out of bed, but my body was pleading for a couple more minutes. Finally, when it was 20 minutes past the time I should have woken up, I jumped out of the bed, and rushed to work.
At work then, when I had a minute, the following thoughts kept on whirling in my head:
What am I actually doing here? Do I belong here? How long will I stay here? And then, these thoughts scared me a bit so I started wondering where these thoughts are coming from? Do they have a solid base? Is something not right? Do I feel bad? Am I not happy?
Think about it! Given a great company..truly a rather good one in its category, and I have the privilege to work there. I get decent salary, that allows me to live well, to pay for a flat, buy clothes, food what I wish. All my basic needs are covered. The atmosphere is great in the office, people are kind, we talk a lot, eventually we go out together. Then..given a grand city..a really nice one, with old buildings, yet many shops and stuff ...again, to satisfy my ..or in fact anyone's needs. It's lively, if you want to get some entertainment, there is always something going on, you won't get bored. I've got many friends at this place, who care for me, support me, come to visit me etc. In total: I've got a great life...there is no reason for complaining, because many would do much for such a life...and yet I feel like I am off...if I look a bit into the future I get a bit scared. You know why? Because with this "great" life I could be well away for another 40 year! and THAT scares me! I feel still too young to already commit myself to a way of life, that I do not feel like I own 100 percent.
I am such a person, for whom security means a lot. Emotional, financial, social...no matter what kind of security, but I feel at easy, if I know roughly where things are in my life. I am not worried if I know the city, because I've been there before. I am not worried, if I know what awaits me at work..the type of issues, and the bunch of alternative solutions to them. I am not worried, if I have a number of friends on whom I can count on, and they are within reach. I am not worried, if I have a flat where I can alway go home to. I guess in a way that's normal. It gives me a sort of confidence. There are so many unforeseeen things happening in the world, at least I know my bed will be there, waiting to embrace me, my work will continue etc. So this is a nice life, but still I feel as if it is dull. It feels like if I was one of those trees they cut in shape. Every spring they bring new branches, hoping this will be the time they may spread, or soar into the sky, to experience the freedom of living, but their efforts are broken, as they get trimmed. They trim them, because they fit the scenery more, because that's the expectation of a person, who is responsible for the outlook of an avenue let's say. That tree cannot really learn..develop..and experience, because it is enclosed in a given shape. And actually that's where I'm trying to get to..this year I've been pushed out of this balance..this bubble of security a numerous times...not on the work side..rather on the emotional end. It was tough, but I learned a lot from it. That was the way to grow in experience. So for a while now I'm thinking ...I really need to go against my fears. I need to identify them...and...above I just tracked one...and then go against them...defeat them, and with the pride and confidence of the winners move on.
I realized ..that...hmmm..shame on me...but I'm a coward. So far, I was really ...afraid of new things...I prefered the known old ways, and was not too keen on being a pioneer on onwalked roads. I did not want to take the risk...I prefered to stay in the lukewarm water. But I think even the Bible warns us..not to be lukewarm...rather be hot or cold..but not lukewarm..because ...lukewarm is equal to cowardice, and indifference. Now I myself tried to get around this by constant postponing. I said to myself, all right...true...I could take a risk, but...hmm...maybe just let's wait a little more...and today, it dawned on me..if I continue it like this, I would be waiting 40 years worth of "little more" and I'd be there, old, in the gates of death, and regretting...regretting and crying over the last opportunities, chances...over my cowardice...and at that point it would not be possible to turn back the time. Yeah...when one is young, it is difficult to see that, because we think we've got sooo much time still...which could be true, but we cannot rely fully on that...what we need to bear in mind is that we have this one life..and it's fully our responsibility what we do with it. We may blame the world..this era we live in, the government, the society etc. but when the time comes, the judges will not look at the circumstances..they will only look for whether we have persevered..whether we have been brave enough to take the risks when it was needed, whether we have aimed for living life to its fullest. Strange..if you ask people what they'd do if they knew they had 1 week left, most of them would take a 90 degree turn, and start doing things rather different from what they are doing..let's say now, when they think they have much time and chances. I'm saying that, because I'm one of these people..and to be honest, I don't like this..because it feels like I am not loyal to myself...to someone..down there, at the bottom of my soul.
Sometimes, it feels like there are 2 creatures..living there...in the middle of me. 1 is kind, soft, quiet and loves to rejoice over simple things...is keen on marveling at the nature, enjoys conversing with the moon, and stars. She never rushes, she recognizes even the little details..she likes to explore people's eyes, and is very happy to help others. I really like her. And there is the other creature...she is much louder, always worrying, shouting, never satisfied...she is constantly thinking about the past or the future, about the money, whether it will be enough, about work etc. She never wants to take the risk. She tries to constantly convince number 1 that it is better to just sit and wait and complain in security than sacrifice all this for something that is unsure. Number 1 is trying to educate 2 through tales and comparisons. She tells her: Look..we are sitting in a room, that has bars over the window. It's good, we maybe feeling secure. Noone can enter...but..you see we are never able to see what the world is truly like...because there are always pieces of it, that gets covered by the bars...don't u just want to get rid of the bars? At other times, she is saying: look...by not taking the risk, you deprive yourself from the very bad things...but...from the very good ones too. Some people like to eat the same food. They go out to a restaurant, and order what they know...they don't dare to go for the exotic stuff, because they are afraid they'll stay hungry...rather, they give up the cavalcade of tastes, to quiet down their hunger. Well true..if the unknown food is not delicious enough..they'll stay hungry..that's unpleasant..but still they learn something..that they will never order it again..but in case the unkown food proves to be very delicious, they have their stomach filled AND will be gifted with a culinary journey to rich lands. I think it would be worthwhile to take the risk...if not for else, than to be in the favour of the taste buds, who are very curious creatures.
All in all...today I realized, that in order to be able to learn, develop, and maybe live a complete life...collecting as many experiences as possible, gaining wisdom and happiness I need to step out of my comfort zone. It's not easy, it requires a lot of effort, but...who has ever heard of such that the road to the treasure would be easy? Isn't it always filled with hurdles, abysses, dark forests, evil things hindering you to get to the heart of your desires? And who has ever heard that a coward manages to walk all the length of the road? Well...they turn back even before a true challenge is faced..but in exchange, they can only dream abou the treasure......After a bit of preparation, I think..I'll take the path of the warriors rather...
At work then, when I had a minute, the following thoughts kept on whirling in my head:
What am I actually doing here? Do I belong here? How long will I stay here? And then, these thoughts scared me a bit so I started wondering where these thoughts are coming from? Do they have a solid base? Is something not right? Do I feel bad? Am I not happy?
Think about it! Given a great company..truly a rather good one in its category, and I have the privilege to work there. I get decent salary, that allows me to live well, to pay for a flat, buy clothes, food what I wish. All my basic needs are covered. The atmosphere is great in the office, people are kind, we talk a lot, eventually we go out together. Then..given a grand city..a really nice one, with old buildings, yet many shops and stuff ...again, to satisfy my ..or in fact anyone's needs. It's lively, if you want to get some entertainment, there is always something going on, you won't get bored. I've got many friends at this place, who care for me, support me, come to visit me etc. In total: I've got a great life...there is no reason for complaining, because many would do much for such a life...and yet I feel like I am off...if I look a bit into the future I get a bit scared. You know why? Because with this "great" life I could be well away for another 40 year! and THAT scares me! I feel still too young to already commit myself to a way of life, that I do not feel like I own 100 percent.
I am such a person, for whom security means a lot. Emotional, financial, social...no matter what kind of security, but I feel at easy, if I know roughly where things are in my life. I am not worried if I know the city, because I've been there before. I am not worried, if I know what awaits me at work..the type of issues, and the bunch of alternative solutions to them. I am not worried, if I have a number of friends on whom I can count on, and they are within reach. I am not worried, if I have a flat where I can alway go home to. I guess in a way that's normal. It gives me a sort of confidence. There are so many unforeseeen things happening in the world, at least I know my bed will be there, waiting to embrace me, my work will continue etc. So this is a nice life, but still I feel as if it is dull. It feels like if I was one of those trees they cut in shape. Every spring they bring new branches, hoping this will be the time they may spread, or soar into the sky, to experience the freedom of living, but their efforts are broken, as they get trimmed. They trim them, because they fit the scenery more, because that's the expectation of a person, who is responsible for the outlook of an avenue let's say. That tree cannot really learn..develop..and experience, because it is enclosed in a given shape. And actually that's where I'm trying to get to..this year I've been pushed out of this balance..this bubble of security a numerous times...not on the work side..rather on the emotional end. It was tough, but I learned a lot from it. That was the way to grow in experience. So for a while now I'm thinking ...I really need to go against my fears. I need to identify them...and...above I just tracked one...and then go against them...defeat them, and with the pride and confidence of the winners move on.
I realized ..that...hmmm..shame on me...but I'm a coward. So far, I was really ...afraid of new things...I prefered the known old ways, and was not too keen on being a pioneer on onwalked roads. I did not want to take the risk...I prefered to stay in the lukewarm water. But I think even the Bible warns us..not to be lukewarm...rather be hot or cold..but not lukewarm..because ...lukewarm is equal to cowardice, and indifference. Now I myself tried to get around this by constant postponing. I said to myself, all right...true...I could take a risk, but...hmm...maybe just let's wait a little more...and today, it dawned on me..if I continue it like this, I would be waiting 40 years worth of "little more" and I'd be there, old, in the gates of death, and regretting...regretting and crying over the last opportunities, chances...over my cowardice...and at that point it would not be possible to turn back the time. Yeah...when one is young, it is difficult to see that, because we think we've got sooo much time still...which could be true, but we cannot rely fully on that...what we need to bear in mind is that we have this one life..and it's fully our responsibility what we do with it. We may blame the world..this era we live in, the government, the society etc. but when the time comes, the judges will not look at the circumstances..they will only look for whether we have persevered..whether we have been brave enough to take the risks when it was needed, whether we have aimed for living life to its fullest. Strange..if you ask people what they'd do if they knew they had 1 week left, most of them would take a 90 degree turn, and start doing things rather different from what they are doing..let's say now, when they think they have much time and chances. I'm saying that, because I'm one of these people..and to be honest, I don't like this..because it feels like I am not loyal to myself...to someone..down there, at the bottom of my soul.
Sometimes, it feels like there are 2 creatures..living there...in the middle of me. 1 is kind, soft, quiet and loves to rejoice over simple things...is keen on marveling at the nature, enjoys conversing with the moon, and stars. She never rushes, she recognizes even the little details..she likes to explore people's eyes, and is very happy to help others. I really like her. And there is the other creature...she is much louder, always worrying, shouting, never satisfied...she is constantly thinking about the past or the future, about the money, whether it will be enough, about work etc. She never wants to take the risk. She tries to constantly convince number 1 that it is better to just sit and wait and complain in security than sacrifice all this for something that is unsure. Number 1 is trying to educate 2 through tales and comparisons. She tells her: Look..we are sitting in a room, that has bars over the window. It's good, we maybe feeling secure. Noone can enter...but..you see we are never able to see what the world is truly like...because there are always pieces of it, that gets covered by the bars...don't u just want to get rid of the bars? At other times, she is saying: look...by not taking the risk, you deprive yourself from the very bad things...but...from the very good ones too. Some people like to eat the same food. They go out to a restaurant, and order what they know...they don't dare to go for the exotic stuff, because they are afraid they'll stay hungry...rather, they give up the cavalcade of tastes, to quiet down their hunger. Well true..if the unknown food is not delicious enough..they'll stay hungry..that's unpleasant..but still they learn something..that they will never order it again..but in case the unkown food proves to be very delicious, they have their stomach filled AND will be gifted with a culinary journey to rich lands. I think it would be worthwhile to take the risk...if not for else, than to be in the favour of the taste buds, who are very curious creatures.
All in all...today I realized, that in order to be able to learn, develop, and maybe live a complete life...collecting as many experiences as possible, gaining wisdom and happiness I need to step out of my comfort zone. It's not easy, it requires a lot of effort, but...who has ever heard of such that the road to the treasure would be easy? Isn't it always filled with hurdles, abysses, dark forests, evil things hindering you to get to the heart of your desires? And who has ever heard that a coward manages to walk all the length of the road? Well...they turn back even before a true challenge is faced..but in exchange, they can only dream abou the treasure......After a bit of preparation, I think..I'll take the path of the warriors rather...
Monday, 10 October 2011
A little piece of joy
Today has been a bit exhausting day truly, had much work to do, did not really stand up from my desk, yet I was happy to be able to get absorbed a bit in work. I had a list of things to do, and no matter how long I had to stay in the office, I was content to see, that at the end, I managed to finish everything, and with a light heart I traveled home. The moon accompanied me as I walked across the bridge, and marveled at her silvery glaze..the sky was cloudy, and she found joy in playing hide and seek with me. I thought...she is so divine, so mysterious, and it is such a pleasure that tonight, she is there...out in the night..watching over me, guarding my dreams, singing a soft melody making the shadows dance, and the people sleep deep. Only now, that she was there, and I almost tripped walking home, as my eyes were focusing on her beauty did I realize, how much I miss her, when she vanes.
I was looking forward to come home, as if a bird is keen on reaching her nest, ready to cuddle in, and enjoy the peace. Over the weekend I traveled home, and went for a long walk to the forest, where I collected several treasures! Acorns, pine tree cones, rosehips, and leaves of all colours. I put them in my bag, because I wished to create a bit of autumn in my home. I made a little "altar" for this precious guest that finally arrived to my country. I spread my treasures on the table, and it relaxes my eyes, and fills my heart with joy to look upon them. If I cannot be in the forest, then I decided to bring the forest to my home. The colours, the harvest of this melancholic old friend are all represented on my little table, creating a brownish, reddish, orangish atmosphere. I just love it...this season makes me want to dream, to create, to observe, to think, to accept, and absorb.
Upon entering the flat, little did I notice I had another little suprise hiding there somewhere, patiently waiting to be discovered. I opened my mailbox, and this time, not only the bills, and fliers were there, but a postcard too. First I thought it is not mine, as I did not expect anyone sending me one from Spain, but I turned it over and there was my name on it. I got it from a friend of mine (Jan) a friend, whom I thought has forgotten me...or well, maybe not forgotten, but as I did have the chance to talk, or meet with him much lately I thought he'd definately not remember sending me a postcard...but he did!!! The joy over the surprise, over the recognition, that indeed he took the time and money to send this postcard to me filled my heart with such a joy, that I could not stop smiling. Lately I thought, connections are not always what they seem to be, that anything can happen, and people walk in and out of each others' lives. I started to think, that maybe we..humans became so self centered, and living in such "welfare" and also in such rush, that we kind of forgotten to pay attention to the details...to little things...little surprises, little kindnesses which in fact are the expressions of how much we care...a little postcard...just a few coins, and yet it can enlighten someone's whole evening, making her smile, and feel loved. Isn't it worth it? Isn't it great to make someone smile, and to ensure, that however far we might be...we are still taking care of the plant called friendship...that we find it important to maintain the connection, and that we truly care for the other one? I'm happy, because my hope that was not much watered lately and was about to fade away, recieved an abundant shower accompanied by a rainbow, lending her all the shades of colours to allow her shining brightly, and fresher than ever.
I was looking forward to come home, as if a bird is keen on reaching her nest, ready to cuddle in, and enjoy the peace. Over the weekend I traveled home, and went for a long walk to the forest, where I collected several treasures! Acorns, pine tree cones, rosehips, and leaves of all colours. I put them in my bag, because I wished to create a bit of autumn in my home. I made a little "altar" for this precious guest that finally arrived to my country. I spread my treasures on the table, and it relaxes my eyes, and fills my heart with joy to look upon them. If I cannot be in the forest, then I decided to bring the forest to my home. The colours, the harvest of this melancholic old friend are all represented on my little table, creating a brownish, reddish, orangish atmosphere. I just love it...this season makes me want to dream, to create, to observe, to think, to accept, and absorb.
Upon entering the flat, little did I notice I had another little suprise hiding there somewhere, patiently waiting to be discovered. I opened my mailbox, and this time, not only the bills, and fliers were there, but a postcard too. First I thought it is not mine, as I did not expect anyone sending me one from Spain, but I turned it over and there was my name on it. I got it from a friend of mine (Jan) a friend, whom I thought has forgotten me...or well, maybe not forgotten, but as I did have the chance to talk, or meet with him much lately I thought he'd definately not remember sending me a postcard...but he did!!! The joy over the surprise, over the recognition, that indeed he took the time and money to send this postcard to me filled my heart with such a joy, that I could not stop smiling. Lately I thought, connections are not always what they seem to be, that anything can happen, and people walk in and out of each others' lives. I started to think, that maybe we..humans became so self centered, and living in such "welfare" and also in such rush, that we kind of forgotten to pay attention to the details...to little things...little surprises, little kindnesses which in fact are the expressions of how much we care...a little postcard...just a few coins, and yet it can enlighten someone's whole evening, making her smile, and feel loved. Isn't it worth it? Isn't it great to make someone smile, and to ensure, that however far we might be...we are still taking care of the plant called friendship...that we find it important to maintain the connection, and that we truly care for the other one? I'm happy, because my hope that was not much watered lately and was about to fade away, recieved an abundant shower accompanied by a rainbow, lending her all the shades of colours to allow her shining brightly, and fresher than ever.
Friday, 30 September 2011
The return
Rituals are essential..even if...they are connected to memories...time...places, moods, feelings... mingled with sorrow as much as with joy...
Transylvania is calling for me, and tonight I'll answer the call... I go to welcome the autumn, and fulfil my heart...
Transylvania is calling for me, and tonight I'll answer the call... I go to welcome the autumn, and fulfil my heart...
Sunday, 25 September 2011
The quest
Ouuu..sooo many things in my head..hard to figure out where to start! But...as it is Sunday evening now, and many ot things on my mind are the results of the weekend, I'll start dropping a few words about how it passed.
On Friday, I went home again...pretty stange in itself, as I was at home last weekend too, but..they said that the weather will be nice, and I wished to use this last opportunity to take a dip in the river. On the way home I met my friend Zs. and from Fuzesabony, we were traveling together, sharing news. By the time I got home, the air cooled down, the sky became populated with millions of stars, and I inhaled the sweet smell of home upon getting off of the train. My brother took me home, I had lecso for supper and was about to get to bed. I walked into my room, turned on the light...and...what did I see? Well...someone was sitting on my bed..it was not the bear I always slept with at home (a bear I got from M. a long time ago)..nope..it was an old, yet unknow bear. He was sitting on my pillow, and little letter was attached to him. The letter said: "Dearest Dioka..you might not know me yet, my name is Moric. I am going to be your new friend, who will guard your dreams, to whom you can cuddle during the night. I was waiting for you, and now I am very happy that you are at home..as I was waiting for a loooong time for you...and just wanted you to know, that...there is always someone who rejoices when you arrive." I sat down, looked at the bear...hugged him, and...my heart was overflown with happiness. After 5 minutes of giving myself to the this precious feeling, I walked over to my mom's room, and hugged her. I told her thank you, and laughed...with a joyous laugh that was coming from the depth of my heart. This was a form of love...a manifestation of someone caring about me...which..I started to forget. I was getting so much used to not receiving any surprises...not getting messages, not being called on the phone...like that, that it almost brought tears to my ears. A year ago, these kind of surprises were often...I was getting little packages, letters I did not expect, small gifts, videos, songs via emails...and...soon they became "regular" for me...what a fool I was! I got used to them, as if I was entitled to those...a year had to pass without any surprises like that, so that finally when one appeared I'd appreciate it as I should have done with all of them....Man truly learns what something is worth, when she looses it..but thank God it does not mean that thing is lost forever...if we really learnt the lesson, and we are ready for taking them and respecting them as we should, they come back.
After the night with Gyuszi, the next morning contained another surprise. My sister and her family came to visit. They never announced it, so we were not prepared, yet, were very happy they turned up! My sister and her husband were talking with mom and dad, and I was left with the 2 little devils, my godchildren, Jona and Kami. We played for hours, ran around in the courtyard, wrestled, laughed and had fun. For a couple hours I became a child again, and it felt so great to be free of all worries, and thoughts. They did not want to it, only if I decided to eat as well. It happened after we finished the lunch (we ate on the terrace, while the "adults" ate inside) that Kami asked me a question. She asked: "How come that lately you don't bring Misi with yourself to Olaszliszka?" A sudden lightning struck me, and though I heard what she said, I did not want to understand it. (In the meantime the talking inside, and the clutching of silvervare died out -everyone was listening attentively.) I asked Kami again to repeat what she asked. So she asked the question again, and added: "you know Misi, your boy" I told her, that he is not my boy any more. So she went on: "But why? He loves you, no?" So I told her, nope Kami he does not love me any more. Still it was not enough for her...I felt my face freezing, and if she was an adult I would have told her to stop, but she is a very precious girl I love so I needed all my strength to stay calm and answer her. She said: "Well...anyway then..he will not find another love for himself" I could not say much to that, just silently commented, that he has already found one. For a while everything fell silent, and I needed to chase them around the table, as if I was the monster ready to eat them, to be able to push away the thick air that fell on the table, the terrace and even the kitchen inside. My sister was marveling at what Kami said, as she never ever mentioned anything about me, or M and now...out of the blue, she asked the question. Strange, you'd think the kids are not aware of what's going on, while they are more aware than anyone else! I only decided to write that down, because ...just a couple days ago, someone felt awkward about a dream..and now...in my case...it was not a dream, but reality, and ...truly I felt awkward too.
In the afternoon I went to the river with my dog, and my brother. The water was cold, lately the temperature drops to 3 degrees during the night. My brother reassured me, that I am not completely normal, and to empasize that, he did not even come to the river. Even the dog had to be persuaded for a long time. The sun was shining, but the wind was cool..yet, the crystal clear water, and the chance of swimming drew me into its frosty world. I swam for about an hour, got refreshed, my muscles had been worked, and I headed home, with a content smile on my face. In the evening we took a walk and it was not yet 10 pm, when I was already in bed :)
The Sunday passed as usual, some oversleeping, delicious lunch, packing, and catching the train back. On the train this time though there was an old couple. I sat down next to them, as the shouting and screaming of the teenagers in the carriage frightened me away. The couple was so sweet, so harmonious, so peaceful, I can hardly tell. They were not the tipical village people, nope. You could tell, that once they have been traveling a lot, they knew other cultures, languages, they were intelligent, and a certain air of elegance hovered around them. The old lady was not full of sorrow, or lamentation over a hurting leg...she was dressed sportily, but the colourful sweater that resembled a kind of patchwork showed a bit of boheme like nature. Her eyes were gleaming and blue. As I looked into her eyes, I did not see an old lady, but a reckless girl, who is ready for any adventure, any time...those were the eyes of someone, who did not regret anything...who lived a complete life, and would not change a thing, even if she had the chance to. The power of peace and satisfaction "that everything is in order" radiated from her. It felt good to look at her! I thought...this is the kind of old lady, I'd like to become one day! The old man was curious, he could not stand to ask me :) He wanted to know if I go to school, where I travel etc. Just before they were about the get off, he asked me: So do you have a boyfriend in Budapest? I told him: No. He said, well be careful, choose one, who stays with you no matter what...because you see...with this lady...we have been together now for 55 years!
This was the sign I was looking for. All right...it seems like I really need to get deeper into this love topic. For a few days now, some questions appeared in my mind that all circled around one center: love. Questions like: Is it possible to love 2 people at the same time? Is it really true that time heals the wounds? If yes, how can it be? Is time more powerful than love? (I could not agree with that) Maybe...time does not heal the wound of love, but something else...maybe that was a wound of not real love...but...a misunderstanding...and many questions like that...some I started to answer, but then...again...love cannot be "understood" so much by the logic, so obviously I am not looking for defining love, rather just getting closer to it. In that I've got some help of course...I started to read Muller Peter's Book about love again. I read it once, but now I realized, I was not paying attention to some very important details! So now, with an open mind and heart, I will try to make it a part of me again.
Just as I started to get a deep in the subject I realized, that the quest will be similar to finding a pearl at the bottom of the ocean. Just with the question: can we love 2 people at the same time I needed to face some hardships when I wanted to be precise. Did I want to ask: love 2 people, or be in love with 2 people. Hmm, huge difference! One can love many, but...to be in love with many...there is where the root of the problem starts to appear. Being in love assumes a sort of unconditionality, and exclusiveness. Nobody would like to share the person he or she is in love with. But then...being in love (szerelem in Hungarian), how does that connect to the love (szeretet)....that is something I will need to get back to in another chapter, otherwise this post is going to exceed my readers' patience.
An additional reason for me to start researching a bit this topic was, that I really started to doubt...if...if I am not going insane. Here is why: I collected a number of wounds...one huge one, and some smaller ones. So...most of the people..do not really like the person they received the wound from..in fact, many hate that person. But...not me...even if my heart had to withstand the shower of spiky steel arrows that fell on my heart making it bleed, I could not feel any hate towards the person...more than that, I ..I could only feel sorry for him! I felt sorry for him, because somehow..through some undescribable link I understood what he needs to face...his inner Higher self, in a stage of his life, when his ego, his Lower self is more powerful...there is no balance, and though he manages to hear his Higher self, he is not able to be friends with him..and this of course creates chaos, sufferings, unsecurity, doubts and not right judgements...which..eventually can lead to the person not ...being a friend of himself...not loving himself...and then...depriving himself of the chance of loving anyone else. Now..this I did not intend to tell anyone. All I said was, that no matter whatever happened, no matter how much time passed, how far he may be, I still hold a special place in my heart for him. It does not mean, that I forget his mistakes, and make an angel of him, nope, but! I wish as much happiness for him as I do for myself, because I am aware that we are humans, we err, we might not always treat others as we should, but we all are capable of loving, and we all deserve happiness. Sometimes it comes to early..we don't even recognize it...we are not mature for it yet...and as we are not prepared for it, we loose it...we throw it away, because we become afraid of it...we rather choose something we know..even if it is not good, as opposed to choosing the grand we don't know yet...So as I had a bit better insight to where this person stands, I kept on helping him invisibly, and praying for his well being and happiness..but when I told this to some, they did not really understand it. They thought that is not how I should react..and...this "opinion" was so strong I started to think myself, that I went insane...if my reaction is not as it is natural for others, maybe..I'm getting crazy...so that was another thing triggering my quest to experience, and see love.
This evening...on the way back to Budapest, I saw the setting sun, and followed how the dusk turned into night. The multitude of colours, the appearence of shades was so spectacular that I gave thanks to God for letting me experience it. I felt that I am privileged, for having the opportunity to sit on the train and watch this miracle. It was so mind blowing, I started to cry silently...and then...a thought appeared in my mind...Love is when no matter what you did, how you behaved, or maybe even hurt the person..it is the assurance, that should you ever get in trouble, should you be in the need of a caring hand, a few good words, or just some guidance...it is the assurance that you can count on that person you love...in whatever circumstances. Should the world be falling apart, meteors falling from the sky, should everything turn upside down....it is the assurance that everything can change, but one thing is not changing...and that is the love...love in itself, towards God or another person. I thought about it a bit...and evoked the faces of all the people I'd go to, if I was in real need...I think...that was a good proof for me, that my love for them is coming from a pure source, and if I feel like I could come to them any time, and they'd take me as I am..torn, or sick, or wounded...they must be aware of the special link connecting us to one another as well.
On Friday, I went home again...pretty stange in itself, as I was at home last weekend too, but..they said that the weather will be nice, and I wished to use this last opportunity to take a dip in the river. On the way home I met my friend Zs. and from Fuzesabony, we were traveling together, sharing news. By the time I got home, the air cooled down, the sky became populated with millions of stars, and I inhaled the sweet smell of home upon getting off of the train. My brother took me home, I had lecso for supper and was about to get to bed. I walked into my room, turned on the light...and...what did I see? Well...someone was sitting on my bed..it was not the bear I always slept with at home (a bear I got from M. a long time ago)..nope..it was an old, yet unknow bear. He was sitting on my pillow, and little letter was attached to him. The letter said: "Dearest Dioka..you might not know me yet, my name is Moric. I am going to be your new friend, who will guard your dreams, to whom you can cuddle during the night. I was waiting for you, and now I am very happy that you are at home..as I was waiting for a loooong time for you...and just wanted you to know, that...there is always someone who rejoices when you arrive." I sat down, looked at the bear...hugged him, and...my heart was overflown with happiness. After 5 minutes of giving myself to the this precious feeling, I walked over to my mom's room, and hugged her. I told her thank you, and laughed...with a joyous laugh that was coming from the depth of my heart. This was a form of love...a manifestation of someone caring about me...which..I started to forget. I was getting so much used to not receiving any surprises...not getting messages, not being called on the phone...like that, that it almost brought tears to my ears. A year ago, these kind of surprises were often...I was getting little packages, letters I did not expect, small gifts, videos, songs via emails...and...soon they became "regular" for me...what a fool I was! I got used to them, as if I was entitled to those...a year had to pass without any surprises like that, so that finally when one appeared I'd appreciate it as I should have done with all of them....Man truly learns what something is worth, when she looses it..but thank God it does not mean that thing is lost forever...if we really learnt the lesson, and we are ready for taking them and respecting them as we should, they come back.
After the night with Gyuszi, the next morning contained another surprise. My sister and her family came to visit. They never announced it, so we were not prepared, yet, were very happy they turned up! My sister and her husband were talking with mom and dad, and I was left with the 2 little devils, my godchildren, Jona and Kami. We played for hours, ran around in the courtyard, wrestled, laughed and had fun. For a couple hours I became a child again, and it felt so great to be free of all worries, and thoughts. They did not want to it, only if I decided to eat as well. It happened after we finished the lunch (we ate on the terrace, while the "adults" ate inside) that Kami asked me a question. She asked: "How come that lately you don't bring Misi with yourself to Olaszliszka?" A sudden lightning struck me, and though I heard what she said, I did not want to understand it. (In the meantime the talking inside, and the clutching of silvervare died out -everyone was listening attentively.) I asked Kami again to repeat what she asked. So she asked the question again, and added: "you know Misi, your boy" I told her, that he is not my boy any more. So she went on: "But why? He loves you, no?" So I told her, nope Kami he does not love me any more. Still it was not enough for her...I felt my face freezing, and if she was an adult I would have told her to stop, but she is a very precious girl I love so I needed all my strength to stay calm and answer her. She said: "Well...anyway then..he will not find another love for himself" I could not say much to that, just silently commented, that he has already found one. For a while everything fell silent, and I needed to chase them around the table, as if I was the monster ready to eat them, to be able to push away the thick air that fell on the table, the terrace and even the kitchen inside. My sister was marveling at what Kami said, as she never ever mentioned anything about me, or M and now...out of the blue, she asked the question. Strange, you'd think the kids are not aware of what's going on, while they are more aware than anyone else! I only decided to write that down, because ...just a couple days ago, someone felt awkward about a dream..and now...in my case...it was not a dream, but reality, and ...truly I felt awkward too.
In the afternoon I went to the river with my dog, and my brother. The water was cold, lately the temperature drops to 3 degrees during the night. My brother reassured me, that I am not completely normal, and to empasize that, he did not even come to the river. Even the dog had to be persuaded for a long time. The sun was shining, but the wind was cool..yet, the crystal clear water, and the chance of swimming drew me into its frosty world. I swam for about an hour, got refreshed, my muscles had been worked, and I headed home, with a content smile on my face. In the evening we took a walk and it was not yet 10 pm, when I was already in bed :)
The Sunday passed as usual, some oversleeping, delicious lunch, packing, and catching the train back. On the train this time though there was an old couple. I sat down next to them, as the shouting and screaming of the teenagers in the carriage frightened me away. The couple was so sweet, so harmonious, so peaceful, I can hardly tell. They were not the tipical village people, nope. You could tell, that once they have been traveling a lot, they knew other cultures, languages, they were intelligent, and a certain air of elegance hovered around them. The old lady was not full of sorrow, or lamentation over a hurting leg...she was dressed sportily, but the colourful sweater that resembled a kind of patchwork showed a bit of boheme like nature. Her eyes were gleaming and blue. As I looked into her eyes, I did not see an old lady, but a reckless girl, who is ready for any adventure, any time...those were the eyes of someone, who did not regret anything...who lived a complete life, and would not change a thing, even if she had the chance to. The power of peace and satisfaction "that everything is in order" radiated from her. It felt good to look at her! I thought...this is the kind of old lady, I'd like to become one day! The old man was curious, he could not stand to ask me :) He wanted to know if I go to school, where I travel etc. Just before they were about the get off, he asked me: So do you have a boyfriend in Budapest? I told him: No. He said, well be careful, choose one, who stays with you no matter what...because you see...with this lady...we have been together now for 55 years!
This was the sign I was looking for. All right...it seems like I really need to get deeper into this love topic. For a few days now, some questions appeared in my mind that all circled around one center: love. Questions like: Is it possible to love 2 people at the same time? Is it really true that time heals the wounds? If yes, how can it be? Is time more powerful than love? (I could not agree with that) Maybe...time does not heal the wound of love, but something else...maybe that was a wound of not real love...but...a misunderstanding...and many questions like that...some I started to answer, but then...again...love cannot be "understood" so much by the logic, so obviously I am not looking for defining love, rather just getting closer to it. In that I've got some help of course...I started to read Muller Peter's Book about love again. I read it once, but now I realized, I was not paying attention to some very important details! So now, with an open mind and heart, I will try to make it a part of me again.
Just as I started to get a deep in the subject I realized, that the quest will be similar to finding a pearl at the bottom of the ocean. Just with the question: can we love 2 people at the same time I needed to face some hardships when I wanted to be precise. Did I want to ask: love 2 people, or be in love with 2 people. Hmm, huge difference! One can love many, but...to be in love with many...there is where the root of the problem starts to appear. Being in love assumes a sort of unconditionality, and exclusiveness. Nobody would like to share the person he or she is in love with. But then...being in love (szerelem in Hungarian), how does that connect to the love (szeretet)....that is something I will need to get back to in another chapter, otherwise this post is going to exceed my readers' patience.
An additional reason for me to start researching a bit this topic was, that I really started to doubt...if...if I am not going insane. Here is why: I collected a number of wounds...one huge one, and some smaller ones. So...most of the people..do not really like the person they received the wound from..in fact, many hate that person. But...not me...even if my heart had to withstand the shower of spiky steel arrows that fell on my heart making it bleed, I could not feel any hate towards the person...more than that, I ..I could only feel sorry for him! I felt sorry for him, because somehow..through some undescribable link I understood what he needs to face...his inner Higher self, in a stage of his life, when his ego, his Lower self is more powerful...there is no balance, and though he manages to hear his Higher self, he is not able to be friends with him..and this of course creates chaos, sufferings, unsecurity, doubts and not right judgements...which..eventually can lead to the person not ...being a friend of himself...not loving himself...and then...depriving himself of the chance of loving anyone else. Now..this I did not intend to tell anyone. All I said was, that no matter whatever happened, no matter how much time passed, how far he may be, I still hold a special place in my heart for him. It does not mean, that I forget his mistakes, and make an angel of him, nope, but! I wish as much happiness for him as I do for myself, because I am aware that we are humans, we err, we might not always treat others as we should, but we all are capable of loving, and we all deserve happiness. Sometimes it comes to early..we don't even recognize it...we are not mature for it yet...and as we are not prepared for it, we loose it...we throw it away, because we become afraid of it...we rather choose something we know..even if it is not good, as opposed to choosing the grand we don't know yet...So as I had a bit better insight to where this person stands, I kept on helping him invisibly, and praying for his well being and happiness..but when I told this to some, they did not really understand it. They thought that is not how I should react..and...this "opinion" was so strong I started to think myself, that I went insane...if my reaction is not as it is natural for others, maybe..I'm getting crazy...so that was another thing triggering my quest to experience, and see love.
This evening...on the way back to Budapest, I saw the setting sun, and followed how the dusk turned into night. The multitude of colours, the appearence of shades was so spectacular that I gave thanks to God for letting me experience it. I felt that I am privileged, for having the opportunity to sit on the train and watch this miracle. It was so mind blowing, I started to cry silently...and then...a thought appeared in my mind...Love is when no matter what you did, how you behaved, or maybe even hurt the person..it is the assurance, that should you ever get in trouble, should you be in the need of a caring hand, a few good words, or just some guidance...it is the assurance that you can count on that person you love...in whatever circumstances. Should the world be falling apart, meteors falling from the sky, should everything turn upside down....it is the assurance that everything can change, but one thing is not changing...and that is the love...love in itself, towards God or another person. I thought about it a bit...and evoked the faces of all the people I'd go to, if I was in real need...I think...that was a good proof for me, that my love for them is coming from a pure source, and if I feel like I could come to them any time, and they'd take me as I am..torn, or sick, or wounded...they must be aware of the special link connecting us to one another as well.
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Timeless
For more than half a year, I was living in the past...it did not matter what people around me said, it did not matter, how they tried their best to pull me out of the sea of memories..I let myself be carried by the current...I denied any help...I wanted to relive the moments lost..as I knew time could not be reversed, I chose to get lost in those moments when I felt complete...I could not put up with the change...I could not accept that life has moved on like a fast car...but without me...I got out of the car, and decided to wait..along the road. I waited and waited, I searched the road, and waited for the car to pass by me again and pick me up. Storms crossed the sky, my hands froze, there was no shelter nearby..and I waited, because I believed...I believed that what I felt was true, and unique..something that could not be imitated, or lived without. Then slowly...as time went on...I slipped from past to future...I was still waiting..along the road, but this time...with hope in my heart...I realized, I can turn towards the direction from where the car came, when it stopped and I got out, but maybe I should rather turn towards the direction where it went after I abandoned it...for another half year...I was living for the future...with new enthusiasm...believing again..that..the driver driving that car will come back for me and pick me up, because ....because I have the map...and he will never find the right way without my navigation and instinct...but by now...I understand...the driver does not need my compass...my map...maybe he never really wanted to get to the place I wished to show him....and even without a map...you can just drive...take some turns, go ahead, and get somewhere..and this place where you end up, can be a nice one...what you like...it's a question of luck..and what you decide to call nice. (a forest can be nice for some, but others could prefer the sea)
So now...I realized...I've been waiting and waiting...but never took the effort to look around...I was so much concentrated on the waiting itself, that slowly everything around me disappeared..and as the car did not come, my spirits grew darker...did it help? could I do anything to turn the car back? No...in addition, I lost all the chances of discovering what is around me...I did not rejoice over the sun that dried my clothes after the storm, because my mind, my whole body was in tense concentration..always alert...time to time I saw something shiny, and I managed to make myself believe that it is the sun reflected from the window of that car...but it was only an illusion..the driver was far...and getting further and further...and then...something happened...not sure what it was...maybe an angel who had enough of watching my yearning face along the road whispered to my ears:
Can the birds fly without wings? Can a flower bloom without sunshine? Can the soil get fertile without rain? Can a human live without the air? Can the moon shine without the sun? Can the fish swim without water?
Then he went on:
Is the promise of the wing capable of making the birds fly? Is the promise/hope of the sunshine enough to make a flower bloom? Will the soil get fertile if you tell it that once there will be some rain? Will a human be able to breath if he only dreams of the air? Will the moon shine if you tell her a tale about the sun? Is it enough for the fish to imagine the water, to be able to swim?
And slowly...I started to understand...love is not about telling someone that you love her/him...love is not about nurturing an illusion..a faraway promise...love is not easy...it asks for sacrifices...it is fragile, therefore it has to be taken care of...it needs the will and commitment from both hearts...love is not about taking the easy road, but about the willingness of choosing the hard one, if that's the only way...love is not about resignation and abandonement, but about the willingness to fight if that's required. There is no half love...it wants it all...all your heart...it is a warrior that defeats the ego, and does not know any compromise when it comes to the battle. Love is fierce, but kind, once attained and nurtured, it gives you all and more you could ever dream of. Love is not a definiton, it cannot be captured, understood, or even described fully, but through deeds it can be recognized. You may tell your dog, you love him, but will it make him believe it if you never pet him, or walk with him? You may tell your mother you love her, but will she believe it if you never visit her? You may tell a man you love him, but can it truly be called love, if you choose to spend your life with another man?
It is unbelievable how much people are capable of not only fooling others, but themselves as well. Their brain..and ego is a master of lies...it's loud, and seems to be smart...it compresses the voice of the "higher self" completely...and at the end..we believe the lies we created. It brings with itself the illusion of happiness even, but...someone who has truly been happy before knows the difference..the heart knows the difference well. Still some people are satisfied with the fake happiness, and decide to live their life in this bubble of illusion created by their ego. Time to time when the lack of pure joy manifests itself, the soul awakens, and tries to remind us where we come from, and what we should seek for, but it is so easy to cover this weak cry with logic, thoughts, and fears.
True joy can only be appreciated when true sadness is experienced. A man does not really know what thirst means, until he has not been to the desert. I know it will not be easy, but I will not give up my search for true joy, and true love. I've seen so many "fake" feelings...so many compromises, so many lies people created to protect themselves from the voice of their soul, that the determination has been born in me...I will do what my soul agrees to, even if it will bring with itself a lot of hardships, lot of struggles and pain...that pain is still little in comparison to what I would have to face if I neglected the voice of my heart.
Since this recognition...past and future released me...they have been exchanged by the present...and now..there is no past...and no future any more...only the present moment...it is a sort of timelessness, which is still very new for me...it feels as if I was not able to differentiate between the days of the week...as if all the sudden my way of calculating the time has changed...I do not measure it based on when I started to work, or when I went home, or when the weekend will come...nope...there is candlelight..darkness...morning sun, noisy bus, crowded train...rushing people..always what surrounds me...what I can see, what I can feel..what I can experience in the given moment. Not sure how long it will last...but for now I'm content, because it saves me from the shadows of the past, and from the not trusted promises of the future.
So now...I realized...I've been waiting and waiting...but never took the effort to look around...I was so much concentrated on the waiting itself, that slowly everything around me disappeared..and as the car did not come, my spirits grew darker...did it help? could I do anything to turn the car back? No...in addition, I lost all the chances of discovering what is around me...I did not rejoice over the sun that dried my clothes after the storm, because my mind, my whole body was in tense concentration..always alert...time to time I saw something shiny, and I managed to make myself believe that it is the sun reflected from the window of that car...but it was only an illusion..the driver was far...and getting further and further...and then...something happened...not sure what it was...maybe an angel who had enough of watching my yearning face along the road whispered to my ears:
Can the birds fly without wings? Can a flower bloom without sunshine? Can the soil get fertile without rain? Can a human live without the air? Can the moon shine without the sun? Can the fish swim without water?
Then he went on:
Is the promise of the wing capable of making the birds fly? Is the promise/hope of the sunshine enough to make a flower bloom? Will the soil get fertile if you tell it that once there will be some rain? Will a human be able to breath if he only dreams of the air? Will the moon shine if you tell her a tale about the sun? Is it enough for the fish to imagine the water, to be able to swim?
And slowly...I started to understand...love is not about telling someone that you love her/him...love is not about nurturing an illusion..a faraway promise...love is not easy...it asks for sacrifices...it is fragile, therefore it has to be taken care of...it needs the will and commitment from both hearts...love is not about taking the easy road, but about the willingness of choosing the hard one, if that's the only way...love is not about resignation and abandonement, but about the willingness to fight if that's required. There is no half love...it wants it all...all your heart...it is a warrior that defeats the ego, and does not know any compromise when it comes to the battle. Love is fierce, but kind, once attained and nurtured, it gives you all and more you could ever dream of. Love is not a definiton, it cannot be captured, understood, or even described fully, but through deeds it can be recognized. You may tell your dog, you love him, but will it make him believe it if you never pet him, or walk with him? You may tell your mother you love her, but will she believe it if you never visit her? You may tell a man you love him, but can it truly be called love, if you choose to spend your life with another man?
It is unbelievable how much people are capable of not only fooling others, but themselves as well. Their brain..and ego is a master of lies...it's loud, and seems to be smart...it compresses the voice of the "higher self" completely...and at the end..we believe the lies we created. It brings with itself the illusion of happiness even, but...someone who has truly been happy before knows the difference..the heart knows the difference well. Still some people are satisfied with the fake happiness, and decide to live their life in this bubble of illusion created by their ego. Time to time when the lack of pure joy manifests itself, the soul awakens, and tries to remind us where we come from, and what we should seek for, but it is so easy to cover this weak cry with logic, thoughts, and fears.
True joy can only be appreciated when true sadness is experienced. A man does not really know what thirst means, until he has not been to the desert. I know it will not be easy, but I will not give up my search for true joy, and true love. I've seen so many "fake" feelings...so many compromises, so many lies people created to protect themselves from the voice of their soul, that the determination has been born in me...I will do what my soul agrees to, even if it will bring with itself a lot of hardships, lot of struggles and pain...that pain is still little in comparison to what I would have to face if I neglected the voice of my heart.
Since this recognition...past and future released me...they have been exchanged by the present...and now..there is no past...and no future any more...only the present moment...it is a sort of timelessness, which is still very new for me...it feels as if I was not able to differentiate between the days of the week...as if all the sudden my way of calculating the time has changed...I do not measure it based on when I started to work, or when I went home, or when the weekend will come...nope...there is candlelight..darkness...morning sun, noisy bus, crowded train...rushing people..always what surrounds me...what I can see, what I can feel..what I can experience in the given moment. Not sure how long it will last...but for now I'm content, because it saves me from the shadows of the past, and from the not trusted promises of the future.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
The thought of today (20th)
Today I came across the following thought, while checking the thought collector online:
“Some men have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can.”
I think I needed to be reminded...to prevent me falling into the cheeky trap of the "cannots", as opposed to focusing on the "cans".
“Some men have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can.”
I think I needed to be reminded...to prevent me falling into the cheeky trap of the "cannots", as opposed to focusing on the "cans".
Reunion
The weekend passed by very quickly I daresay...Little did I notice, the week was over, I was on
the subway, rushing the catch the last train home. I love to go to the railway station, because
it means the beginning of a journey...it can be a journey by train..that takes me either home, or
to somewhere far...or it can be a journey on the path of life...a station from which nothing will
be the same again. The arriving trains, the leaving ones, people saying goodbye, and others
joining in a hug to welcome each other fascinate me...but more than that, my mind is overtaken
by the beauty of the tracks...how those 2 metal roads lead into infinity...always by each others'
side, always in the same distance from each other...and yet curving together, going uphills, and
downhills...they travel through the same scenery…they pass by the same fields, they meander
next to the same rivers…as if there was an invisible connection between them…they live their
lives side by side..and never touch…they are given the same circumstances..bridges to cross,
moutains to mount, but even though they need to face the same hardships, and rejoice over the
same sunshine, their experiences and learnings are different…that little little distance between
them..counts.
After sorting these thoughts in my mind, I captured the loudspeaker announcing from which
track my lovely train is going to depart, so I headed towards that track, and tried to reach the first
carriage of the train before the crowd of people invaded my steal snake…
The journey, this time home was spent by watching outside the window, until the sun set, and
then I took my book and was reading. As I had a thrilling book, I did not seem to notice the time
passing by, I only assumed that we are near my village, as I looked around, and again…I was the
only person left in the carriage…At home I was awaited by a marvelous meal (French potatoes,
and a very delicious Goulash soup) of which I could hardly eat, as it was rather late in the night
already.
The next morning greeted me early, I wished the snuggle a bit more underneath the
heavy blanket, which in my imagination was made of thick fur..mmm…so warm, so
protecting..but…hejjj….mother came to my bed and warned me, that the sun is up, I need not to
be lazy, especially as we planned to go to the market that day. I opened my eyes, and caught the
glimpse of the beaming sunrays landing on our terrace, and also did not miss to realize the little
waterdrops appearing towards the bottom part of the window. So the autumn is here…truly…the
cool night wrapped the whole village, the fields and mountains into a milky moisture blanket. I
got out of bed, and my first steps lead out of the house, where my prior hypothesis was verified,
truly, the fresh but cold air cut under my pajama, and I felt the goose bumps spreading all over
my body starting from shoulders, down to my feet, and arms. I took a deep breath, and hurried
back inside.
The market was just awesome! Many people, from all over..Slovakia, Ukraine, Romania..and
of course Hungarians. I really enjoy being a part of that colourful multitude of people. It is
unlike the crowd in the city…there are farmers, who honestly tell you whether their product is
good for winter storage, or we should buy less now, and come back a month from now, as that
product then will be more suitable for storing purposes. There are the Romanians, who at first
do not wish to lower the price, but then run after you and offer you the shoes, clothes for less
than the half of the original price. I always view the market as a marry company, where interests
meet..selling and buying…but not like in the malls…where the goods are displayed, and you
do not even need to talk to anybody if you wish to buy something….nope… on the market, it is
different….there’s more interaction..a bit of history..some good advices, and smiles..that is what
makes it more human…the vegetables are fresh, grown by the people who sell it…if you lean
close enough, you may even smell the soil on them…
We spent about 8 hours discovering all the secret places of this labyrinth, savouring its tastes,
coming from exotic places, only to be melted together in this special pot, ripening together,
forming something new…something special, something unique. In the afternoon, we got home,
tired after so much tasting :) and hungry, after so much adventure, and urge of searching through
every corner of this vast enchanted castle. We packed the car out, and hurriedly started to
prepare for an evening barbecue. I chose to roast a big chunk of bacon for my dad, and then
a nice piece of sausage for myself. These days, the evening arrives early...he runs faster and
faster every day, to bring us the piece and calmness of the night. We hardly started to make the
fire, it became the only source of light, drawing interesting figures on our faces as if mocking
us. While sitting there, I could feel the chilly air searching for little wholes on my shirt, below
the buttons, where it could put its hand underneath, only to be able to touch my body. Time to
time it gave me a shiver, and I moved closer to the fire. Its flames enchanted me, the burning
wood singed a melody, only the attentive ear could hear. It was the symphony of the “end” as it
first tried to escape the hungry flame tongues, but then the screams grew more silent, and were
exchanged by the sound of mourning, squeaking, pleading… We were sitting there for a long
time, waited upon the sleepy moon, who decided to wake up later than usual, then millions of
diamonds have been thrown on the velvety blanket of the night, and we started to collect the
empty glasses, roasts, and plates…it was time for relaxing.
The next day held a surprise for me. This summer I did not have the chance to swim in the river
near our house. I regretted it, and felt sad about the missed opportunity. I even thought, fine…if
it has to be so…I will skip my merry reunion with the river this year, though deep down I felt it
is not a good idea, as we both need this special exchange of energy. For my pleasure, this
Sunday was a warm one..and I knew I cannot miss my chance thrown in front of my feet. I
asked my dad to accompany me, and took my dog, who needed a swim badly as well. This
summer it seemed like the riverbank was left alone to the wilderness. There was no path down, I
had to make one…which resulted in many little cuts on my legs…but! I was the jungle fighter,
and my dream had to be fulfilled. Finally, after an hour worth of wrestling with the wild weeds,
we arrived to the riverbank. There the sight was captivating…calmly flowing, dark green body
of water…undisturbed surface…the smell of rawness delivered to our nostrils by a vigilant
young breeze. I stood there, mesmerized, and started to get rid of my clothes…the river was
calling me, desiring me..and I could feel the excitement in my cells, on my skin..I made a few
steps into the water, and felt its vibration, its cool soothing…I was lost…I swam, I splashed, I
flipped, I melted into the water..we became one…I had no body any more..I was the river, and
the river was me…its pureness, its power, its freshness overwhelmed me…I was…where I
belonged…a sudden stream of joy spread across me…I could not stop laughing…I finally
understood, that there are certain connections in us…certain deeds…certain rituals..we must
do…because these are a part of us..these deeds and connections help us finding the way back to
who we are…to our inner self…our soul…these connections help us shake off the chains of expectations, fate, and fears…and so…we become free. I smelled the water, I kissed it, I inhaled
it even…I wanted to store the view, the feeling, the mood, everything in my heart…to reinforce
that…on that evening I did not take a shower…I wanted to carry the touch and scent of the river
on my body…to keep me connected…even in the middle of the city..where I needed to return
with the evening train…
the subway, rushing the catch the last train home. I love to go to the railway station, because
it means the beginning of a journey...it can be a journey by train..that takes me either home, or
to somewhere far...or it can be a journey on the path of life...a station from which nothing will
be the same again. The arriving trains, the leaving ones, people saying goodbye, and others
joining in a hug to welcome each other fascinate me...but more than that, my mind is overtaken
by the beauty of the tracks...how those 2 metal roads lead into infinity...always by each others'
side, always in the same distance from each other...and yet curving together, going uphills, and
downhills...they travel through the same scenery…they pass by the same fields, they meander
next to the same rivers…as if there was an invisible connection between them…they live their
lives side by side..and never touch…they are given the same circumstances..bridges to cross,
moutains to mount, but even though they need to face the same hardships, and rejoice over the
same sunshine, their experiences and learnings are different…that little little distance between
them..counts.
After sorting these thoughts in my mind, I captured the loudspeaker announcing from which
track my lovely train is going to depart, so I headed towards that track, and tried to reach the first
carriage of the train before the crowd of people invaded my steal snake…
The journey, this time home was spent by watching outside the window, until the sun set, and
then I took my book and was reading. As I had a thrilling book, I did not seem to notice the time
passing by, I only assumed that we are near my village, as I looked around, and again…I was the
only person left in the carriage…At home I was awaited by a marvelous meal (French potatoes,
and a very delicious Goulash soup) of which I could hardly eat, as it was rather late in the night
already.
The next morning greeted me early, I wished the snuggle a bit more underneath the
heavy blanket, which in my imagination was made of thick fur..mmm…so warm, so
protecting..but…hejjj….mother came to my bed and warned me, that the sun is up, I need not to
be lazy, especially as we planned to go to the market that day. I opened my eyes, and caught the
glimpse of the beaming sunrays landing on our terrace, and also did not miss to realize the little
waterdrops appearing towards the bottom part of the window. So the autumn is here…truly…the
cool night wrapped the whole village, the fields and mountains into a milky moisture blanket. I
got out of bed, and my first steps lead out of the house, where my prior hypothesis was verified,
truly, the fresh but cold air cut under my pajama, and I felt the goose bumps spreading all over
my body starting from shoulders, down to my feet, and arms. I took a deep breath, and hurried
back inside.
The market was just awesome! Many people, from all over..Slovakia, Ukraine, Romania..and
of course Hungarians. I really enjoy being a part of that colourful multitude of people. It is
unlike the crowd in the city…there are farmers, who honestly tell you whether their product is
good for winter storage, or we should buy less now, and come back a month from now, as that
product then will be more suitable for storing purposes. There are the Romanians, who at first
do not wish to lower the price, but then run after you and offer you the shoes, clothes for less
than the half of the original price. I always view the market as a marry company, where interests
meet..selling and buying…but not like in the malls…where the goods are displayed, and you
do not even need to talk to anybody if you wish to buy something….nope… on the market, it is
different….there’s more interaction..a bit of history..some good advices, and smiles..that is what
makes it more human…the vegetables are fresh, grown by the people who sell it…if you lean
close enough, you may even smell the soil on them…
We spent about 8 hours discovering all the secret places of this labyrinth, savouring its tastes,
coming from exotic places, only to be melted together in this special pot, ripening together,
forming something new…something special, something unique. In the afternoon, we got home,
tired after so much tasting :) and hungry, after so much adventure, and urge of searching through
every corner of this vast enchanted castle. We packed the car out, and hurriedly started to
prepare for an evening barbecue. I chose to roast a big chunk of bacon for my dad, and then
a nice piece of sausage for myself. These days, the evening arrives early...he runs faster and
faster every day, to bring us the piece and calmness of the night. We hardly started to make the
fire, it became the only source of light, drawing interesting figures on our faces as if mocking
us. While sitting there, I could feel the chilly air searching for little wholes on my shirt, below
the buttons, where it could put its hand underneath, only to be able to touch my body. Time to
time it gave me a shiver, and I moved closer to the fire. Its flames enchanted me, the burning
wood singed a melody, only the attentive ear could hear. It was the symphony of the “end” as it
first tried to escape the hungry flame tongues, but then the screams grew more silent, and were
exchanged by the sound of mourning, squeaking, pleading… We were sitting there for a long
time, waited upon the sleepy moon, who decided to wake up later than usual, then millions of
diamonds have been thrown on the velvety blanket of the night, and we started to collect the
empty glasses, roasts, and plates…it was time for relaxing.
The next day held a surprise for me. This summer I did not have the chance to swim in the river
near our house. I regretted it, and felt sad about the missed opportunity. I even thought, fine…if
it has to be so…I will skip my merry reunion with the river this year, though deep down I felt it
is not a good idea, as we both need this special exchange of energy. For my pleasure, this
Sunday was a warm one..and I knew I cannot miss my chance thrown in front of my feet. I
asked my dad to accompany me, and took my dog, who needed a swim badly as well. This
summer it seemed like the riverbank was left alone to the wilderness. There was no path down, I
had to make one…which resulted in many little cuts on my legs…but! I was the jungle fighter,
and my dream had to be fulfilled. Finally, after an hour worth of wrestling with the wild weeds,
we arrived to the riverbank. There the sight was captivating…calmly flowing, dark green body
of water…undisturbed surface…the smell of rawness delivered to our nostrils by a vigilant
young breeze. I stood there, mesmerized, and started to get rid of my clothes…the river was
calling me, desiring me..and I could feel the excitement in my cells, on my skin..I made a few
steps into the water, and felt its vibration, its cool soothing…I was lost…I swam, I splashed, I
flipped, I melted into the water..we became one…I had no body any more..I was the river, and
the river was me…its pureness, its power, its freshness overwhelmed me…I was…where I
belonged…a sudden stream of joy spread across me…I could not stop laughing…I finally
understood, that there are certain connections in us…certain deeds…certain rituals..we must
do…because these are a part of us..these deeds and connections help us finding the way back to
who we are…to our inner self…our soul…these connections help us shake off the chains of expectations, fate, and fears…and so…we become free. I smelled the water, I kissed it, I inhaled
it even…I wanted to store the view, the feeling, the mood, everything in my heart…to reinforce
that…on that evening I did not take a shower…I wanted to carry the touch and scent of the river
on my body…to keep me connected…even in the middle of the city..where I needed to return
with the evening train…
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Transformation
Lately I have felt reserved...I tried to do a bit of research within me to see where this certain melancholy, this feeling of sadness is coming from...I could not identify it..it felt as if a part of me, that I did not manage to get near to....was suffering...a part which is a part of me, and yet an entity on its own...a part that is connected to me, but I am unable to change it...I started to fear, what if this part is going to overtake me completely? People in the office started to ask me if everything is all right with me...because I seem to be far away...not present...not talking as much as I used to, not looking interested in my every day life. It's true, I have also realized it...I fell silent, the words that used to run so feverously out of my mouth prefered to stay inside...the only way how I can open the gates for them, to go and explore the world is through writing...here...At first I tried to fight this state of being...I wanted my old self back...I wanted to meet the expectations of others..I wanted to give them back the "old" Dio...but...I realized, that it is not time for it...now is the time for a bit of dwelling inside...a bit of thinking, meditating, talking to my angels...So these days I wake up early, I read a bit, drink a coffee, watch the people going to work, walking on the pavement..then I head to work myself, I do what is my job, then I grab my bag and come home. I make a tea, light a candle, sit down on the floor, or on the bed, time to time in the corner of the room, time to time in the other room, which is now empty..and read...and think...and feel...and strangely it is not something bad...it is not driven by sadness, or anger or anything of that sort...nope...it is driven by the wish to be at peace...calmed down...not rushing...just...paying attention to the world...trying to capture how all the molecules are in motion...trying to capture the stages, emotions, moods, thoughts flowing in to my room through my open window...in this moment some people are very happy, some rejoice over a long waited baby to be born..some confess their love to each other...some old people get a phone call from their children telling them they love them...on the other hand..some people die...some loose their lives in a car accident, some are diagnosed with an illness that cannot be cured....some couples break up....so many people...so many different paths, and so many different stops...and somehow all this is in harmony...in the eyes of God all this is balanced..and happening for the greater good. I know I will not be able to fully understand it, but these days it feels good for me to look at the world...and myself...as part of humanity from above...it is as if it is not me who is living my life...it feels like my soul decided to go in search of another perspective..so she flew up...found a comfortable star, sat on it...and with a binocular she is watching life on Earth as if it was a great puzzle..and slowly she is understanding that the pieces of this puzzle fit together, and they are where they belong. You can maybe understand now, why I must seem like a lunatic these days to my colleagues and friends...because though I am there...I am not really there...
As an example of the list of unusual acts, today I started the day with sending 2 messages...1 to my mom, telling her that I love her, and 1 to my sister telling her that I love her, and am thankful for the fact that she exists. I felt the sudden urge inside me, commanding me to do this...to let them know...because they need to know, they must be assured, that I will always be there for them, and would give everything to make them happy. The I continued my journey, and asked for God's blessing on people passing me by. After that, I got on the bus, that decided to take an alternative route to the stop, so instead of 10 minutes it took 40...I saw the people starting to get worried, and I would have done the same, but today...I was happy to take part in some adventure..the sun was shining, so I was really content to take the scenic route :) At the stop, I gave some money to the old beggar lady, who reminds me of my grandma. I was already in the office, getting hungry...when..a thought came to my mind...it was actually as if a voice deep within me would tell me the words: clean yourself...I am not sure how, but I knew what it meant...I decided not to eat meat for a while...I have this urge in me to become clean...inside...on the level of the soul, as much as on the level of the body. Don't get me wrong, I like meat...but...by not eating meat, what I'd wish to eat...by saying no to the temptation, I can train my soul..and my will...and something tells me that if I concentrate a bit on how the body will beg me for some meat, how it will threaten me, shout in me and use every weapon to fulfill its wish, I will understand how weak I am...how easy it is to give priority to the body instead of the soul...and then...I will become aware even more what limitations it has to be a human. If I cannot command the body...why do I wonder that so often the ego wins over our hearts? Well..I'd like to let this ego of mine know, that I am not a puppet in her hand...I have a heart and soul, that has been pushed into the background more often than it should have, it is time for her to shine, and let love overflow her.
After work, we agreed with a friend of mine, that we will go for a walk...however we ran into a shop, where I wished to buy a pair of pants, and unfortunately we spent a bit more time there than we planned. It got dark, by the time we headed home..and there was some change in ..the air...When we left the office, the sun was shining, it was hot..when we got to the street again, it was chilly, and dark...As I got off the bus, and made my way towards my flat...a sudden blow of the wind got my attention...It came out of nowhere, only to pick up the rusty leaves that lay under a chestnut tree...I came to a halt..looked down below my feet...there were the leaves..those brownish..reddish leaves, whirling in a circle about 20 centimeters above the cobble stones of the street, forming a kind of funnel...rattling, clinking, clattering in a sweet tone...as if they were talking to me...as if they carried a message, from far...a message they needed to deliver...and soon...through the wind, and rustling of leaves I managed to understand the word they carried...Aisiteru...I looked up to the sky, smiled, and enclosed the word in my heart...with a joy and satisfaction heating my veins and bones I continued my way home.
As an example of the list of unusual acts, today I started the day with sending 2 messages...1 to my mom, telling her that I love her, and 1 to my sister telling her that I love her, and am thankful for the fact that she exists. I felt the sudden urge inside me, commanding me to do this...to let them know...because they need to know, they must be assured, that I will always be there for them, and would give everything to make them happy. The I continued my journey, and asked for God's blessing on people passing me by. After that, I got on the bus, that decided to take an alternative route to the stop, so instead of 10 minutes it took 40...I saw the people starting to get worried, and I would have done the same, but today...I was happy to take part in some adventure..the sun was shining, so I was really content to take the scenic route :) At the stop, I gave some money to the old beggar lady, who reminds me of my grandma. I was already in the office, getting hungry...when..a thought came to my mind...it was actually as if a voice deep within me would tell me the words: clean yourself...I am not sure how, but I knew what it meant...I decided not to eat meat for a while...I have this urge in me to become clean...inside...on the level of the soul, as much as on the level of the body. Don't get me wrong, I like meat...but...by not eating meat, what I'd wish to eat...by saying no to the temptation, I can train my soul..and my will...and something tells me that if I concentrate a bit on how the body will beg me for some meat, how it will threaten me, shout in me and use every weapon to fulfill its wish, I will understand how weak I am...how easy it is to give priority to the body instead of the soul...and then...I will become aware even more what limitations it has to be a human. If I cannot command the body...why do I wonder that so often the ego wins over our hearts? Well..I'd like to let this ego of mine know, that I am not a puppet in her hand...I have a heart and soul, that has been pushed into the background more often than it should have, it is time for her to shine, and let love overflow her.
After work, we agreed with a friend of mine, that we will go for a walk...however we ran into a shop, where I wished to buy a pair of pants, and unfortunately we spent a bit more time there than we planned. It got dark, by the time we headed home..and there was some change in ..the air...When we left the office, the sun was shining, it was hot..when we got to the street again, it was chilly, and dark...As I got off the bus, and made my way towards my flat...a sudden blow of the wind got my attention...It came out of nowhere, only to pick up the rusty leaves that lay under a chestnut tree...I came to a halt..looked down below my feet...there were the leaves..those brownish..reddish leaves, whirling in a circle about 20 centimeters above the cobble stones of the street, forming a kind of funnel...rattling, clinking, clattering in a sweet tone...as if they were talking to me...as if they carried a message, from far...a message they needed to deliver...and soon...through the wind, and rustling of leaves I managed to understand the word they carried...Aisiteru...I looked up to the sky, smiled, and enclosed the word in my heart...with a joy and satisfaction heating my veins and bones I continued my way home.
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
The girl and the falcon
I thought I did it...I truly felt so...I thought I managed to get rid of this thread, made of fine silver, so shining, so pure...but in the past days I've learnt that I cannot be always in control...there are some things, connections, feelings, fates which..were destined to be a part of us...and we can fight against them, we can lay on the ground and weep, we can be angry, they still linger on...they stick to us..because they are a part of us...and as such we cannot tear them out from our insides. As I learned this, I realized, if I cannot break it...no matter how much I want to, I need to live with it, and somehow try to gain strength from it..after all, I'm attached/connected to so many things I cannot touch, or confirm to be mine, such as the moon, the falling leaves, the pearls of dew on the spring morning, and yet I find them beautiful, and they make me happy...they make me feel loved, they chase away the feeling of loneliness...so now it seems like I have another of those connections, except this one I can only see in my dreams...and memories...but even so, I calmed down, and got to the point where I am able to be thankful for it. Not all bonds are meant to be based on things which we are able to see, hear, or touch...some allies are based on invisible foundations, but it does not make them less firm. Houses are not to be built on sand, if the base is not solid enough, the water and the elements will start to demolish it sooner...but there are buildings, which though destroyed, still preserve some stones which represent their past glory.
Once there was a girl...she lived with her parents in the village, near the forest. This girl was only known to the people in the village as "the girl from the last house, at the end of the long street". They never really remembered her name, as it was a bit different from the names, that have been usual in the region. The girl was kind, and somewhat shy. She loved to spend her time with the old people, listen to their tales about their childhood, and youth. She loved the colourful piece of clothing they wrapped their heads into, their long dresses, and their wrinkles. Some of the old people had more wrinkles around their mouth, in such away as to make them seem like they are constantly smiling, while for some it looked like the contrary, as if their life had been only been full of sorrow. She was scared of the latter kind, their eyes carried anger, hatred, disillusionment, and dissatisfaction. These could only complain, if the sun was shining, for that, if it was raining for that. The ones with the smiling wrinkles never missed the opportunity of inviting her in for a freshly baked cake when it was raining, and never forgot to sing when the sun was shining. The young people, children of her age she did not really know. She always felt as if their games, and talks are not of any interest to her. In her eyes, already then the gates of the world of dreams were reflected. She loved to spend her free hours and days on the field, watching the clouds goes by, she always thought if she chooses a place where she returns as much as she can, she will be able to capture the passing of time. So it happened that one day, when she was chewing on a piece of straw, while laying on a bale of hay, a strange sound hit her ears. She got up and looked around, only to find a wounded falcon struggling to drag himself into the bushes, where he can be hidden from the visions of anyone and anything wanting to lay an eye on him. The girl got up, and slowly started to get near the falcon. She looked into his brown eyes, and saw the history of suffering. She felt immediately that she needs to save this falcon, needs to help him, because there was something in that eye that bewitched her. The falcon felt something similar as he did not show fear, when the girl picked him into her hands and headed home. Fortunately the wounds were not too deep, it took only a couple weeks to heal completely. But in that time they spent together, the girl was happier than ever. She told the falcon about her life, her friends, the butterflies, the fish, the bugs, the dogs, the chickens around the houses, and she could read tales of the vast forest, and mountains in the eyes of the falcon. She could feel that it is a friendship, that is one of a kind. She shared everything with the falcon, and so did the falcon. She even put him next to her bed, so that she could hear him fidgeting in the night..that would always bring a smile on her face, knowing that he is there. Then once the day came, when the falcon was healed completely...the girl was sure, that now they are unseparable, and was a bit surprised when her parents asked her to let the falcon go. She sat by the river for one day..talking to the falcon...telling him why she does not want to let him, go, and yet, wants to let him go. She tried to persuade the falcon, tried to show him, prove him, that this is an exceptional friendship, and both of them would only be sad if they left each other, but deep down, she knew, that it is not true love, which seizes to bound...love is when you respect what the other one wishes...even if you might know or feel that it is not the right thing...so you let your loved one go, if you need to, you help if you need to, you let him follow his own path, and only ask for blessing while he takes that road...because in true love..the "self" dissolves...the ego gives in to the force, that is greater than any...thinking this over, the girl gave a pet for the last time on the falcon's head ...told him to take good care of himself, wished him a good journey, much joy and closed her eyes...she could only feel the air disturbed by the falcon's wings as he gave himself back to the wilderness, his real home. From then on the girl went out every morning, and could not help to look up, in search of the falcon...she felt if a piece of her heart has flown away with the falcon...when she closed her eyes, she could see the meadows the falcon flew above, could smell the fresh air, and marvel at the sunset reflecting in his eyes as he stood on a cliff..there was a time, she wished as if this part of her heart was torn out, but by time, she learned to be thankful for this piece of her heart, because through those soul journeys, it brought her such joy, which she never even imagined. Has the falcon ever came back? Is it really of any importance? I leave it up to you to decide....
I thought last week that I will not be able to write any more, because...I am too weak, too confused, and the chaos inside me is too huge to overcome...but here I am writing, as if obiding a whisper of my heart, which is urging me to let my emotions flow through my words...let myself be cleansed through the sentences, let myself become visible...my true self that hides behind the monotony of the days...I guess it is truly necessary...as in the past days I felt the tension rising in me...not...finding a way out...the tension was coming from the fact that here has been a storm of emotion rushing at me, thoughts, feelings, moods, and I had to keep them all within me..I could not find the channel through wich I can let them manifest themselves...so this evening, after lighting some candles in my room, and gazing at their dancing beauty I decided to sit down and let the reckless horses free...the first intention was to tell you about my journey to Cesky Krumlov over the weekend, but somehow I ended up sharing with you the tale of the girl and the falcon...hope you don't mind...maybe tomorrow I can compensate you with a detailed picture of the world's most beautiful small city, Cesky Krumlov :)
Once there was a girl...she lived with her parents in the village, near the forest. This girl was only known to the people in the village as "the girl from the last house, at the end of the long street". They never really remembered her name, as it was a bit different from the names, that have been usual in the region. The girl was kind, and somewhat shy. She loved to spend her time with the old people, listen to their tales about their childhood, and youth. She loved the colourful piece of clothing they wrapped their heads into, their long dresses, and their wrinkles. Some of the old people had more wrinkles around their mouth, in such away as to make them seem like they are constantly smiling, while for some it looked like the contrary, as if their life had been only been full of sorrow. She was scared of the latter kind, their eyes carried anger, hatred, disillusionment, and dissatisfaction. These could only complain, if the sun was shining, for that, if it was raining for that. The ones with the smiling wrinkles never missed the opportunity of inviting her in for a freshly baked cake when it was raining, and never forgot to sing when the sun was shining. The young people, children of her age she did not really know. She always felt as if their games, and talks are not of any interest to her. In her eyes, already then the gates of the world of dreams were reflected. She loved to spend her free hours and days on the field, watching the clouds goes by, she always thought if she chooses a place where she returns as much as she can, she will be able to capture the passing of time. So it happened that one day, when she was chewing on a piece of straw, while laying on a bale of hay, a strange sound hit her ears. She got up and looked around, only to find a wounded falcon struggling to drag himself into the bushes, where he can be hidden from the visions of anyone and anything wanting to lay an eye on him. The girl got up, and slowly started to get near the falcon. She looked into his brown eyes, and saw the history of suffering. She felt immediately that she needs to save this falcon, needs to help him, because there was something in that eye that bewitched her. The falcon felt something similar as he did not show fear, when the girl picked him into her hands and headed home. Fortunately the wounds were not too deep, it took only a couple weeks to heal completely. But in that time they spent together, the girl was happier than ever. She told the falcon about her life, her friends, the butterflies, the fish, the bugs, the dogs, the chickens around the houses, and she could read tales of the vast forest, and mountains in the eyes of the falcon. She could feel that it is a friendship, that is one of a kind. She shared everything with the falcon, and so did the falcon. She even put him next to her bed, so that she could hear him fidgeting in the night..that would always bring a smile on her face, knowing that he is there. Then once the day came, when the falcon was healed completely...the girl was sure, that now they are unseparable, and was a bit surprised when her parents asked her to let the falcon go. She sat by the river for one day..talking to the falcon...telling him why she does not want to let him, go, and yet, wants to let him go. She tried to persuade the falcon, tried to show him, prove him, that this is an exceptional friendship, and both of them would only be sad if they left each other, but deep down, she knew, that it is not true love, which seizes to bound...love is when you respect what the other one wishes...even if you might know or feel that it is not the right thing...so you let your loved one go, if you need to, you help if you need to, you let him follow his own path, and only ask for blessing while he takes that road...because in true love..the "self" dissolves...the ego gives in to the force, that is greater than any...thinking this over, the girl gave a pet for the last time on the falcon's head ...told him to take good care of himself, wished him a good journey, much joy and closed her eyes...she could only feel the air disturbed by the falcon's wings as he gave himself back to the wilderness, his real home. From then on the girl went out every morning, and could not help to look up, in search of the falcon...she felt if a piece of her heart has flown away with the falcon...when she closed her eyes, she could see the meadows the falcon flew above, could smell the fresh air, and marvel at the sunset reflecting in his eyes as he stood on a cliff..there was a time, she wished as if this part of her heart was torn out, but by time, she learned to be thankful for this piece of her heart, because through those soul journeys, it brought her such joy, which she never even imagined. Has the falcon ever came back? Is it really of any importance? I leave it up to you to decide....
I thought last week that I will not be able to write any more, because...I am too weak, too confused, and the chaos inside me is too huge to overcome...but here I am writing, as if obiding a whisper of my heart, which is urging me to let my emotions flow through my words...let myself be cleansed through the sentences, let myself become visible...my true self that hides behind the monotony of the days...I guess it is truly necessary...as in the past days I felt the tension rising in me...not...finding a way out...the tension was coming from the fact that here has been a storm of emotion rushing at me, thoughts, feelings, moods, and I had to keep them all within me..I could not find the channel through wich I can let them manifest themselves...so this evening, after lighting some candles in my room, and gazing at their dancing beauty I decided to sit down and let the reckless horses free...the first intention was to tell you about my journey to Cesky Krumlov over the weekend, but somehow I ended up sharing with you the tale of the girl and the falcon...hope you don't mind...maybe tomorrow I can compensate you with a detailed picture of the world's most beautiful small city, Cesky Krumlov :)
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Tears..
Strange how these salty little pearls streaming down my face are the manifestations of my soul's pain..just sitting...outside the sun is shining..it is so awkward, my heart should be happy, rejoicing over the last rays of the summer sun making sure us..people, the nature are prepared for the melancholic autumn...but..my heart is heavy...heavy with pain...pain upon realising that Fate cannot be overwritten...there are paths...and some paths go the same directions...but some apart...and no matter how one would wish that certain paths would run the same way, if it has been separated by fate they cannot be forced otherwise...unless both paths have a magic pulll towards each other..if just one of them is ready to take up the battle with mighty Fate it is not enough...so this is what I've been trying to understand the whole day yesterday...that there is not much we can do to things we have not expected...in fact ...surprises always come when we least expect them...and the only we can do is to accept them...to cope with them...somehow...People change..their feelings change, their dreams alter...some once loved, are not loved any more...that is the law of life...always changing...providing happiness to one, and sadness to the other...giving good harvest one year, and no crops to harvest the other year.
Yesterday I spent the whole day in my room...I "planned" it so...I knew it will not be an easy day for me...I did not do much..just laid on my bed, and tried to fight agains the hurricane of emotions rushing at me. I knew I could not go to bed before midnight...I had to wait until the day turns, and it becomes today...because that is when a new era has to start in my life...I'm still weak to start, still want to go back to the world of mine, where there was always hope...slight though, but there was hope...today...that hope is lost...I need to start focusing on new hopes from now on...new, brighter, deeper and more fragranted hopes...hopes that reach out for my hand from up above and take me to the place where flowers cover the meadows, and butterflies land on my shoulders...
I read a book...The witch of Funtineli, from Albert Wass. An amazing book telling the reader about the lives of the people up in the snowy mountains in Transylvania...he uses magnificent associations, and has such picturesque descriptions, that I was stunned while reading it, and could not stop sinking deep into that strict, yet warm and love bonded world of his. There at one point the old shepherd told the young girl: If someone TRULY loves someone, he will cross even hell itself to let this someone know...and that was the point, where I gazed at the window, and understood...this is the only kind of love that is worth living for...waiting for...working for...and so I took a great effort, and searched for that silver thread in me...I knew that one end is connected to my heart, making it beat as if it was singing a certain song...I felt sorry for this heart of mine, as I knew I'm going to do something what she'll oppose...but I had to do it...because everything was over, the decision was made, and a part of my life has to be closed down...so I took all my strength...doodled something to my heart, to make her a bit calmed down...then with a sudden pull I tore the silver thread...my heart was gasping, crying as the old wound cracked open, and fresh blood started to flood over it...I detached the thread, and let it go to whereever it belongs...memories started to float away...pictures, moments, kisses, hugs...laughs, joy..and an emptyness remained...but this emptyness now was different then a bit less than a year ago...I told my heart...a new thread will be formed...I know it...one which will not let me abandoned..which will not only be attached so tightly to my heart, but on the other end as well, one which the moon and the stars will bless, and fairies will braid, and they will build all their good wishes into it...I told my heart she needs not to fear, but she needs to be a bit patient for now...until the old wound heals and becomes a scar, to remind us that true love never lets us down...and crosses even the gates of hell to make sure it is nurtured, and taken care of.
Something has changed today...I asked God to listen to my prayer, to give me strength, joy and many blessings to those who love each other, and I think He granted my wish to me...he freed me, and closed the doors of the past as to enable others doors to open up for me...doors that hide finally pleasant surprises...
Yesterday I spent the whole day in my room...I "planned" it so...I knew it will not be an easy day for me...I did not do much..just laid on my bed, and tried to fight agains the hurricane of emotions rushing at me. I knew I could not go to bed before midnight...I had to wait until the day turns, and it becomes today...because that is when a new era has to start in my life...I'm still weak to start, still want to go back to the world of mine, where there was always hope...slight though, but there was hope...today...that hope is lost...I need to start focusing on new hopes from now on...new, brighter, deeper and more fragranted hopes...hopes that reach out for my hand from up above and take me to the place where flowers cover the meadows, and butterflies land on my shoulders...
I read a book...The witch of Funtineli, from Albert Wass. An amazing book telling the reader about the lives of the people up in the snowy mountains in Transylvania...he uses magnificent associations, and has such picturesque descriptions, that I was stunned while reading it, and could not stop sinking deep into that strict, yet warm and love bonded world of his. There at one point the old shepherd told the young girl: If someone TRULY loves someone, he will cross even hell itself to let this someone know...and that was the point, where I gazed at the window, and understood...this is the only kind of love that is worth living for...waiting for...working for...and so I took a great effort, and searched for that silver thread in me...I knew that one end is connected to my heart, making it beat as if it was singing a certain song...I felt sorry for this heart of mine, as I knew I'm going to do something what she'll oppose...but I had to do it...because everything was over, the decision was made, and a part of my life has to be closed down...so I took all my strength...doodled something to my heart, to make her a bit calmed down...then with a sudden pull I tore the silver thread...my heart was gasping, crying as the old wound cracked open, and fresh blood started to flood over it...I detached the thread, and let it go to whereever it belongs...memories started to float away...pictures, moments, kisses, hugs...laughs, joy..and an emptyness remained...but this emptyness now was different then a bit less than a year ago...I told my heart...a new thread will be formed...I know it...one which will not let me abandoned..which will not only be attached so tightly to my heart, but on the other end as well, one which the moon and the stars will bless, and fairies will braid, and they will build all their good wishes into it...I told my heart she needs not to fear, but she needs to be a bit patient for now...until the old wound heals and becomes a scar, to remind us that true love never lets us down...and crosses even the gates of hell to make sure it is nurtured, and taken care of.
Something has changed today...I asked God to listen to my prayer, to give me strength, joy and many blessings to those who love each other, and I think He granted my wish to me...he freed me, and closed the doors of the past as to enable others doors to open up for me...doors that hide finally pleasant surprises...
Monday, 29 August 2011
Why?
There is thought on my mind that I keep on finding the answer to...why is it that most people would change their life completely..or...quite much if they knew they only had 1 more week to live...
1. We must think we know when we are going to die...otherwise, this special day, counted from which we have just one more week to live could be any day..and so, we could be living like how we would live if we knew we had not much left every day...but apparently...not many people are doing that, so they must "blind" themselves with some fake reassurance that they know when they are going to die...or at least when they are not going to...I suppose they have a fake assurance of being in control of their lives in all fields...control...control...is it so important to be always in control? controlling ourselves, letting fate control us?
2. We do not know when we are going to die..but so then, it can happen any time, and therefore we should be taking advantage of the present, doing everything that is very important for us, so that if the time comes, we would not feel we missed something very important..and there would not be regrets...
Hmm...I think we cannot know when we are going to die..as fate is really not something we can foresee, and yet, we live as if we were sure of being granted 60 or more years. I understand some barriers of course...in the last week of their life maybe many people would not want to work (would not help society much these days)..maybe..without thinking a bit more of it many would say..ohh I'd like to go here and there, see this and that...but..I think..if they truly knew they had just a week left...they could not enjoy a certain sight so much..as it would not matter so much...what would really matter (at least to me) would be to be with the ones I love..to sit calmly in the company of those I love and savour the last moments I have with them...to tell them I love them, and to say thanks to them...
I have the feeling that we are postponing things, because we have the time...but...why wait to do something what we could do today...especially if it is important for us? Why wait and risk of letting the chance go by? Why allowing our ego tricking us, telling us that we have so much time, and we can do it later, while if we don't do it, then it can happen, that it causes a huge wound in us that will not let our heart rest later on? I think there are too many so called "circumstances" which make it harder for us to realize what is truly important..and time is a very cunning thing as well...it makes us believe we have plenty of it, though it is not at all sure....I hereby would like to thank the person bringing this question to my attention...from now on I will not be stingy with my love...I will tell/make the people feel it ...because..life is short...and what matters to me the most...what I value the most...is my love to my dear ones, and their love to me...
1. We must think we know when we are going to die...otherwise, this special day, counted from which we have just one more week to live could be any day..and so, we could be living like how we would live if we knew we had not much left every day...but apparently...not many people are doing that, so they must "blind" themselves with some fake reassurance that they know when they are going to die...or at least when they are not going to...I suppose they have a fake assurance of being in control of their lives in all fields...control...control...is it so important to be always in control? controlling ourselves, letting fate control us?
2. We do not know when we are going to die..but so then, it can happen any time, and therefore we should be taking advantage of the present, doing everything that is very important for us, so that if the time comes, we would not feel we missed something very important..and there would not be regrets...
Hmm...I think we cannot know when we are going to die..as fate is really not something we can foresee, and yet, we live as if we were sure of being granted 60 or more years. I understand some barriers of course...in the last week of their life maybe many people would not want to work (would not help society much these days)..maybe..without thinking a bit more of it many would say..ohh I'd like to go here and there, see this and that...but..I think..if they truly knew they had just a week left...they could not enjoy a certain sight so much..as it would not matter so much...what would really matter (at least to me) would be to be with the ones I love..to sit calmly in the company of those I love and savour the last moments I have with them...to tell them I love them, and to say thanks to them...
I have the feeling that we are postponing things, because we have the time...but...why wait to do something what we could do today...especially if it is important for us? Why wait and risk of letting the chance go by? Why allowing our ego tricking us, telling us that we have so much time, and we can do it later, while if we don't do it, then it can happen, that it causes a huge wound in us that will not let our heart rest later on? I think there are too many so called "circumstances" which make it harder for us to realize what is truly important..and time is a very cunning thing as well...it makes us believe we have plenty of it, though it is not at all sure....I hereby would like to thank the person bringing this question to my attention...from now on I will not be stingy with my love...I will tell/make the people feel it ...because..life is short...and what matters to me the most...what I value the most...is my love to my dear ones, and their love to me...
Vision 2
For many long months she felt confused...she...who was sure of nothing, but being able to hear what her heart has to say to her..got discouraged...she was the opposer of giving in for the brain at all times, in all circumstances..finally started to think..she felt like her feelings, emotions..her intuition tricked her...for a long time she managed to stand against the storm, like a young willow tree, swaying in the strong wind...as people's opinion about her feelings hit her..but a point came, when she was at the edge of the cliff, ready to give in...close her heart away, being frustrated that this heart tricked her...she was sure that she felt the connection, she was thinking there is something in the background that is yet new to her, therefore cannot capture...but she was sure of the elemental force connecting her to the secret world they formed together...she was feeling that this world had 2 entrances..one known to her..and one known to the one, she shared this world with...but at one point her logic..brain..and "proofs" heard from others started to overtake her...and slowly the door to the secret world started to diminish...and then...a miracle happened...despite of all her indifference and loss of hope...someone grabbed her hand and took her to the door...she was saved...she was reassured...that she was not wrong...what she felt was true...her heart was wise, and did not betray her...
It was on that day, that she felt an immense joy because she did not have to bury the secret world...she did not have to give in to her brain, and ego...she felt so happy by this recognition, that she wished to enter that secret world, full of surprises and miracles right away...it was already dusk...the day was preparing for sleeping...but she was not...she was wearing a deep blue dress..made of silk...embroidered with stars and the moon...if you know the painting of Mucha, titled "Moon" you can get a better picture of what she had on...the field..the velvety light green field was turning to deep green...so seducing...calling her...promising her all the softness her feet could ever experience...so cheerfully she took a step, and made her way towards the field...the grass was wet with dew, and the little waterdrops playfully tickled her feet...she smiled at the setting sun and said goodbye...her time had come...she was about to enter another dimension..a different world, where everything has a silvery tone to it...where there are legends, and mystic tales swinging about in the air...as she kept on walking, the first stars appeared on the sky...shining like gemstones, reminding her of the multitude of universes she was so keen on discovering...they always were her friends...so reliable, so precious...guiding the lost travelers, promising everlasting heaven to the lovers. Fireflies started to raise...like little lanterns making the field look like the perfect imitation of the sky...she had to laugh upon realizing the similarity..as above so below...as outside, so inside...she crossed the meadow, and found herself on the shores of a crystal clear lake..there were no waves, only a fresh breeze playing with her chestnut brown hair..she knew she had to wait...she sank deep into marveling at the peacefully sleeping swan couple nearby, sat down and listened carefully. She was free...free to give in...to give away, to melt into, to dissolve.....in this moment, she captured sight of the waking moon...the goddess.... her friend, listener, supporter and storyteller...as the moon grew more and more rounded she could feel the energy about her changing...the little animals in the grass became more fidgety...everyone was getting prepared to welcome the mystical power the night was radiating....she slowly started to get rid of her dress...soon there she was, in the silvery light, on the shore of the lake, her curves casting the shadow of an hour glass behind her.....she was ready to dive into the silky water...with a jump she was in...the water wrapped her body..soothed her skin, and allowed her to feel weightless...she let out a deep sigh, followed by a loud laugh..the surface of the lake by now was covered in silver, the little waterdrops created by her splashing rolled away like pearls..she looked at the moon, and took a glimpse of her face...much like her own..pale skin..translucent, blue shimmering eyes...smiling at her..taking care of her...sharing this magical world with her...she took a dive again, laughed again and thanked the moon again...The moon knew too well what lay on her heart...knew what she's been through and did not want her to doubt her heart again..therefore she gave her a gift...it was delivered on moonrays, guarded by night fairies that dance around children's bed while they are sleeping and the moon caresses their face...it was a stone...a white, translucent stone...with a blue shimmer...some thought it to be the tear of the night queen...The girl took it with gratitude in her heart...and looked at her magnificent friend...the moon said to her only this: Trust the wisdom of your heart...for a while she could not help to be puzzled...such wise words carved into a S T O N E ....something that was thought to be so rigid, and cold..not possible to form, only if broken....but she knew the moon had her reasons...so she looked at the stone once more, enclosed it in her palm, and promised herself that she will never let her ears be deaf to what her heart has to tell her again....
This weekend I bought a moonstone pendant..and truly I take it as a special stone..and I thought it is worth expressing my connection to it through the tale above...
It was on that day, that she felt an immense joy because she did not have to bury the secret world...she did not have to give in to her brain, and ego...she felt so happy by this recognition, that she wished to enter that secret world, full of surprises and miracles right away...it was already dusk...the day was preparing for sleeping...but she was not...she was wearing a deep blue dress..made of silk...embroidered with stars and the moon...if you know the painting of Mucha, titled "Moon" you can get a better picture of what she had on...the field..the velvety light green field was turning to deep green...so seducing...calling her...promising her all the softness her feet could ever experience...so cheerfully she took a step, and made her way towards the field...the grass was wet with dew, and the little waterdrops playfully tickled her feet...she smiled at the setting sun and said goodbye...her time had come...she was about to enter another dimension..a different world, where everything has a silvery tone to it...where there are legends, and mystic tales swinging about in the air...as she kept on walking, the first stars appeared on the sky...shining like gemstones, reminding her of the multitude of universes she was so keen on discovering...they always were her friends...so reliable, so precious...guiding the lost travelers, promising everlasting heaven to the lovers. Fireflies started to raise...like little lanterns making the field look like the perfect imitation of the sky...she had to laugh upon realizing the similarity..as above so below...as outside, so inside...she crossed the meadow, and found herself on the shores of a crystal clear lake..there were no waves, only a fresh breeze playing with her chestnut brown hair..she knew she had to wait...she sank deep into marveling at the peacefully sleeping swan couple nearby, sat down and listened carefully. She was free...free to give in...to give away, to melt into, to dissolve.....in this moment, she captured sight of the waking moon...the goddess.... her friend, listener, supporter and storyteller...as the moon grew more and more rounded she could feel the energy about her changing...the little animals in the grass became more fidgety...everyone was getting prepared to welcome the mystical power the night was radiating....she slowly started to get rid of her dress...soon there she was, in the silvery light, on the shore of the lake, her curves casting the shadow of an hour glass behind her.....she was ready to dive into the silky water...with a jump she was in...the water wrapped her body..soothed her skin, and allowed her to feel weightless...she let out a deep sigh, followed by a loud laugh..the surface of the lake by now was covered in silver, the little waterdrops created by her splashing rolled away like pearls..she looked at the moon, and took a glimpse of her face...much like her own..pale skin..translucent, blue shimmering eyes...smiling at her..taking care of her...sharing this magical world with her...she took a dive again, laughed again and thanked the moon again...The moon knew too well what lay on her heart...knew what she's been through and did not want her to doubt her heart again..therefore she gave her a gift...it was delivered on moonrays, guarded by night fairies that dance around children's bed while they are sleeping and the moon caresses their face...it was a stone...a white, translucent stone...with a blue shimmer...some thought it to be the tear of the night queen...The girl took it with gratitude in her heart...and looked at her magnificent friend...the moon said to her only this: Trust the wisdom of your heart...for a while she could not help to be puzzled...such wise words carved into a S T O N E ....something that was thought to be so rigid, and cold..not possible to form, only if broken....but she knew the moon had her reasons...so she looked at the stone once more, enclosed it in her palm, and promised herself that she will never let her ears be deaf to what her heart has to tell her again....
This weekend I bought a moonstone pendant..and truly I take it as a special stone..and I thought it is worth expressing my connection to it through the tale above...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)