The girl with the dotty bag

Again...has been long ago since I wrote..this time I have no excuses...I was on the road to become an empty shell...for a while I gave up looking for joy, because I thought there is no joy to be found if my heart's little pieces are scattered all over on the floor...waiting to be swept and put into the trash....I felt like this is not going to work..I grew tired of looking for joy, I froze..I spent my days routine-like, and was not able to capture moments that might never come back..the strange thing is, I did not mind, I turned cold...cold to all the impulses of the world..every day I walked some, to contemplate nature, and while I was on the way it was all right...I set a goal, and so I was not walking aimlessly...but then I got home, and thoughts, doubts, fears flooded my heart again...I did not try to fight them any more, I welcomed them, as maybe these past days had this fate carved into them.

Yesterday I got close to complete exhaustion...out of the blue, while standing at the metro station, waiting for the subway I felt a sudden urge to throw up. It was so bad, I started to sweat and felt like I cannot breathe..then in the office I was immensely tired, had a headache, and could not eat.  The whole city was grey, and I guess there must have been something in the air, because I was to meet with 2 of my friends (not confirmed but there was the chance) and they both wrote me that they are just a bit too tired, and would like to postpone the meeting...so after all it might have been a secret potion put into the waterpipes of Budapest that made us all so exhausted and impotent.....To make sure that I'll be able to sleep I walked all the way to Ferenciek tere from work..I included a nice stroll along the Danube too, managed to see the last rays of the setting sun, then caught a bus and came home.  Took a waaaaarm shower, relaxed, watched a movie and jumped to bed.

After a long and relaxing sleep I woke up at around noon today.  I was again tempted by staying in bed the whole day, but I fought off this urge, as I had a mission to complete!  Yesterday on my way home, I spotted a cute "cat bag" in one of the second hand shops.  I liked it so much, that I thought, na! I will wake up at 9 tomorrow, and by 10, when they open, I will be waiting there by the door, and will make the bag mine! :) But...in the morning, I thought differently...you see, under the nice warm covers you may change your mind easily..I thought..well...if this bag was meant to be mine, I will have it, as it will wait for me..if not..I shall not be sad, as it was not meant to be for me.. So at around 2 I took off, and was rather excited to see whether I shall have the bag or not..I thought I agreed with myself that I will leave it up to fate to decide, yet from the subway station to the shop I was rather hurrying...as if those few minutes mattered...

I got close to the shop, aaaaaand the bag was there still :) So I got it...mmm....along with some rings, and another bag...a traveling one...a dotty one...I was thinking a lot whether to buy it or not..but then, the lady at the shop told me..if your really like something...you need to have it...or if you let it be here, you might come back again at another time, to see if we still have it, but it is possible that it will not be there any more..this taught me, that even in life, we need to get what our heart desires.  We shall not go, and hope,that if we return, we can have it still..as in case not, our disappointmet will be great, and with disappointment comes along the pack of regrets, which can feast on your heart, like hungry wolves, and leave bones only once they finished.  Driven by this wise comment I bought the bag..it was very useful too, as we could put everything what I bought into it.  Then with my new bag, which...in fact is also a symbol for new dreams I took off, and headed towards the river.

I decided to walk along the riverbank..it looked like the following..gently flowing green river...cloudy sky, sleepy, bored buildings, old Chain Bridge, rushy cars..traffic..kind of fog all over...and a girl...with a dotty, rather happy and springish bag walking on the riverbank...Someone, looking from behind the windows of the passing cars could have thought this girl is a tourist, she is checking the view...the guards in front of the Parliament could have thought "ahh..a girl from Uni..no work to do..maybe she came here to meet someone..otherwise why would anyone want to walk on such an ugly Monday afternoon?"  Noone of them were aware, that it resembled a journey to my depths...I needed to take this journey..to dig a bit deeper into myself and try to find out, where is the clog..why I am stuck in reverse...why I feel like I am on the way to become an empty shell...so I was walking, and it was so peculiar..the river was symbolizing God..and the universe..always flowing towards the sea, unstoppable, reliable, calm...soothing...then on the other side..cars and traffic...resembling the city I live in..with all its hussles and hurries, work and everything...and there I was..walking..not meeting a single soul...in a huge city like this, noone decided to walk along the river today...it did not discourage me..I went down to be very close to the water, felt the urge to go in, as there were some rocks, which had part of their surface above the water..wished to jump on them, to be surrounded by water...but I was aware that the water is cold, and it is not advisable to step into it, unless I want to get sick...then I saw a duck couple..male and female...joyfully swimming in the river...so cute they were! The first sign of life along my journey so far...I was happy to realize, that there is still hope...that there is beauty and life within all those layers of despair, sadness, selfishness and so on.  I looked at my happy bag, and all the sudden I felt like I had no idea where I am going...because I am not going to get somewhere, I am only going for the joy of being on the road...and I imagined distant cities, how on weekends, this year, me and my bag would visit them...this year, I would not pack many things, like I always do, I would pack light, only the very necessary things, that fit into my dotty bag.. I envisaged myself walking on the streets of yet unkown cities, towns, exploring them, putting their smells tastes and views into my heart..as I hoped, they would serve as a glue...a very strong glue, that could put the broken piecesof my heart together again.  This made me content and energetic, and I went on...finally I sat down on a bench..I looked at the sky and saw that though it had the shade of grey the whole day, this time there was a small patch of blue, it could not quite overcome the thick grey layers, but if someone looked carefully, one could realize it..and I thought to myself...so it must be with my soul...it is for the moment covered with dark and grey clouds, but if I look closely enough I shall see the patch of blue..though yet blurry..but it is there and makes me hope that there is a vast blue sky and sunshine behind those grey clouds...I just need to find the way how to make the sun strong enough to break through the fog...but then...maybe all it needs is time...after all...winter is always followed by the spring...

just a grey day..

Magány

Azt hittem eltűntél, valahogyan elfeledtél
De kiderült, hogy csak utazni vágytál
S most végre újra rám találtál
Vágyakozva, remegve állsz az ajtóm előtt
Miközben én frissre cserélem a lepedőt.

Bebocsátást nyersz, bár csak állok és ámulok
Mikor utazótáskáidra pillantok
Hosszú ideig maradsz? - kérdem
S könnyek futnak végig arcomon serényen
Igen, válaszolsz, s nem érted,
Miért e furcsa üdvözlet

Ne aggódj, csak örömkönnyek ezek,
S már érzem is a finom kezeket,
Amint gyengéden végigsimítanak,
Lelkemben új ajtókat nyitnak
Nagyot sóhajtok, s mutatom az utat
Betessékelem az elegáns urat

Helyet foglal, kedvesem rám tekint
Szemében látom a 3 évnyi kínt
Mit nélkülem kellett bolyongva elviselnie
De tudta, hogy egyszer mindennek vége
S csak idő kérdése, hogy betoppanjon ide
Szívem vörös kárpittal bevont rejtekébe

Teával kínálom, s ő finoman bólint
A forró csésze gőze fölött felém int.
Odamegyek hozzá, s átölelem,
Mint régi barátot, hosszú percekig el sem engedem
Keserédes öröm amit hozott,
De ő még cserben sohasem hagyott.

A Szerelem testvére ő, oly kitaszított
Bármerre jár, nem jut neki se kvártély se koszt
Nem látják szívesen, sokak számára csak talány
Pedig ő maga a tisztítótűz, a nemes Magány
Ő a szerelem sérültjeinek állandó társa
Az újrakezdés fekete paripán vágtató előfutára.

Lessons...

I woke up in the morning, and everything was still so dark..I did not have the taste to get out of bed, today was my free day, so I kept on staying there, alone with my thoughts..I thought, how come it is snowing again, I was already waiting for the spring, some sunshine and the nature to awake, and frankly, it depressed me a bit that winter still lingers on..

Finally I managed to get out, but instead of doing the things I planned, I decided to go against the flow, and do nothing.  I picked up my ordered books from the bookstore, and then found myself at a presentation, about spirituality/getting rid of the karma.  I enjoyed it very much! Firstly there were mandalas all over, on the wall, and the harmony of colours, the nice warm atmosphere, the candle, the noise of the street behind the windows calmed me down.  I learned about spirituality, paths, love, ego, good and bad, acceptance, and the foundations, which are needed when one is trying to find inner peace and wishing to have a pure heart.

After the presentation I visited a friend of mine, and we spent a wonderful supper together, had a nice talk and I came home.  Now it's late, the bed is calling me, yet I felt the urge to write down what kind of thoughts where whirling in my head today.

You shall never blame someone else for the feelings a certain situation, or a connection with that person evokes in you.  It is you, in whom the feeling arises, it is you who create it, who feel that way.  For example in love, if your beloved one leaves you, no matter for what reason, if it is becuase his/her love has disappeared, or because he found another person with whom, he/she can have a more complete life.  If he/she leaves you, it can make you sad or angry, but in fact, it is you who is in the position to decide how to take it, if your are sad, only you can change it, if it makes you angry, the feeling is born in you, and will affect you, not the other person.  It can happen, that after your separation, the other one does not even know what goes on inside you, so it is stupid to blame him/her for something you created, and he does not even have the idea about it.  As much as you feel sad, you could be happy, that he/she was directed to your path, that you could do great things together, and if you really loved him/her, you shall be happy that he/she is happy, even if it is on the side of another person, not you.  Now I know it is not so easy, it takes time to understand and capture it, especially if it was a strong connection. So then take your time, but bear it in mind that the other one should not be blamed, for the fact that he/she thinks, feels and decides differently than how you expected.After all, who created your expectations? Did someone guarantee you that it will happen how you imagined? I think not, so if you created for yourself a belief, without solid foundation, it was your choice, and you need to watch the temples of your "religion" coming down, as they are swept away by a sudden storm.  Everything is changing, and not always in favour of us, not always in the way that it would make our dreams come true.  It does not mean that we need to give up our dreams, but we need to have a certain flexibility, and a kit full of different sized screwdrivers, if one size does not fit, we shall not sit there and lament "oh I was so sure it will work" we should stand up and make a little search in the kit, and try as long as we cannot find the right one.

And this takes us to the second lesson, which is to know, that in love, there is always a risk, and when you decide to go along with each other, you shall always be prepared that everything is changing constantly, and maybe these changes will lead to separation, that will bring you wounds and scars.  However until it lasts, it gives you the possibility to experience the magic of love, which is the most basic of all universal laws, which holds the Earth in place. 

In love, two halves meet.  They create a whole, they find in the other one, which makes them complete, but then we should always bear in mind that if we remain halves, we are going to turn our love into a kind of adherence, where we will feel that we are only complete/happy when we are with our loved ones, and we quickly become dependent.  But in true love, the other one is there to help you to become complete, and you help your beloved one to become complete too, so from the 2 halves there will be 2 whole, and 2 whole/circle put next to each other gives us the sign of infinity. (This I heard today during the presentation.) And if you are complete/whole you may realize the freedom in love, and if it has to happen that you separate, you may be able to let it go, and after a time, if you meet again, you shall be able to greet him/her with a smile on your face.

There are a multitude of alternatives.  I am the kind of person who is used to planning.  So with regards to future, I always plan several scenarios. I will do it like this, but if that happens, then I will do it like that.  I was fooling myself that I am prepared for all cases, but universe has a good humour, and manages to put together such conditions, when I am just staring, out of my head, not having a clue of what to do.  Therefore instead of planning, we shall look for inner stability, and we shall always be alert, as we can never know when the lightning strikes in, and turns everything upside down.  If we are alert, and sure to hear what our heart has to say, we shall be able to react to the challenges what life brings us. 

Decision making has always been a "monster" in my life.  It is easy to make logical decisions.  You take the pros and contras, and where there are more pros, in advantage of that you decide.  But there are more complicated decisions too, involving future, and opinions of the brain and the heart.  In such cases I used to try to collect some advices from friends, I tried to see which solution is favoured by more, but at the end, it is me who has to take responsibility for what I choose, I can't blame anyone else with regards to the consequences, if they turn out to be not so positive.  Therefore I learned that only I can make a decision, it is me who needs to calm down the storm of feelings, the clash of rational and irrational in me.  It is me, who needs to spend the nights without sleep, with heart pounding in my chest, and brain clicking in my head, because it is my life, I am the protagonist in this play, I have the authority to change things, to move the furniture of the stage from one corner to another, and with this freedom of choosing comes with the responsibility, and the willingness to put up with the consequences.

Spoiled..

Last week, on Saturday, I had the privilege to spend a dinner at the Master of Tastes..His name is Roli.

So it happened that me, along with a friend has been invited over to him for a lunch.  As we worked till 2 we could only arrive by 3, so I could say it was a rather late lunch :) We arrived, and imagine, we were awaited by a nicely prepared table, plates, napkin, silverware..so after checking his lovely flat we sat down and were looking forward to the course of meals he served us.

I need to admit, words are not enough to describe the multitude of tastes we managed to experience there. The soup..my goodness, our tastebuds got in ecstasy upon being spoiled by that harmony, and richness of tastes..it was so very delicious, I even helped myself to a second plate.  Then came the second dish, and it was just as remarkable.  We had some red wine alongside, and a company in which all of us would like to spend a dinner in.  I really think, I even advised him to keep on cooking, trying new combinations, and even looking for a way to share this miracle with others, because by no means should a world be deprived of such culinary magic!

After the dinner I headed on to a birthday party of my friend, and though I was somewhat tired, I still enjoyed, and felt again privileged, for the fact that I was invited to share her joy on this special day.

The next day, again after work, I was invited to another friend. I just love the flat of this friend.  It is near the castle, an old one, the pores of the walls tell tales about the nobility of the past centuries.  We arrived, I was rather exhausted, and she was way too energetic.  I went into her room, and curled up in on of her armchairs.  It was placed opposite of the window, so as it was still afternoon, the last rays of the afternoon sun bathed on its texture.  I decided to let myself enter the magical world of calmness, peace and history.  As soon as I made myself comfortable my soul started to rejoice.  The sun was shining on my face, the rays caressing my hair, forehead and closed eyes.  They brought with themselves the promise of a coming spring, when nature would wake up, and with her, all our senses and sleeping hearts would be awaken too.  It was the most peaceful time for me in the last month I think.  I just felt, that I am where I belong, that everything is perfect, and the little molecule founds its fitting place in this big universe..I could feel the vibration, and waves of everything in motion, but this time, instead of resonating against it, I caught up to the rhythm, and was flowing with it.  Also I discovered that it is possible to converse with hearts of distant people.  I had the idea that it is possible, but this afternoon I had no doubts.  I chose a heart/soul and was talking to it..I told him what I feel, I managed to transfer all the feelings, it was not necessary for the body to be there, next to me..present, I still could feel that we were conversing with each other.  In the meantime my friend was preparing supper, and baking a cake called sticky banana cake.  From a distance I could hear her washing plates, dropping forks, and singing..for a moment, I felt like I am a child again, I was taken back to the time, when everything was so simple, and I could talk to butterflies...back then, I would be sitting on our balcony, but due to the open windows and doors, I could hear my mom preparing our Sunday lunch..these times always filled my heart with peace and joy, and for a while now, I thought I lost those moments completely, but now I found it again..so I concluded that to loose something, what is important, and feeds the appetite of your soul is just not possible.  It can be so that you are too blind to recognize those things, but there is always the opportunity, it keeps on coming back to you and when you are ready, you capture it. On this afternoon I was ready..after a stressy day I sat down, the circumstance all contributed..the sun, the flat, the sienna colours of the wall, my friend preparing supper, and I felt it...again...the peace of those past Sunday afternoons.  When the supper was almost done, and the sun disappeared under the horizon, I went out to accompany my friend, then another friend arrived, and we spent the rest of the evening eating, drinking, and sharing thoughts.  It was a very nice evening...

Once I got home, a thought appeared to me.  These friends of mine are giving me so much joy, so much pleasure, they let me enter such worlds of precious moments that I really feel I should be very grateful to God for He let me have our paths cross.  They are so generous to me, they even spoil me.  I thought to myself, how come I receive so much? Do I really deserve it? And what do I give them?  Well, I am not sure I know the answers to those questions, but then, it was said by a writer that you should not ask yourself: "Why did it happen to me? Let it be a bad thing, or a good thing, as everything happens for a reason, so we shall take the gifts with gratitude in our hearts, and the not so pleasant things we shall view as teachers, for they teach us the lessons of life. Both of those things have to happen, they our part of our path..of course we happen to like the flowers on the road more than the stones, but at the end, they make the landscape more diverse, they personalize our individual journey on Earth.

Seize the day

Nope, this blog is not dead yet, and I did not forget about my duty…I was only too busy hunting moments of joy.  Now, you might wonder how I succeeded…well…I have mixed feelings with regards to the results…the balance is positive, but there were 2 days, when I really let myself down…and no matter how hard I tried, I was hardly capable of focusing on my hunt.  But let me provide a list here which sums up the joys of the past days:

-         continuation of my Russian classes, on the first class this year we started with a small catch-up, my teacher patiently listened to all what happened to me since we last met, calmly nodded when I mentioned her in what despair I have been lately, and told her about my way of trying to get out of the ditch

-         I met 2 lovely friends of mine, we went for a bit of shopping tour, where they managed to get some really fashionable items, had a coffee, and talked a bit..their understanding and support means much to me

-         I traveled 4 hours home on the train, and I had a comfortable seat, heating and one of my favourite book from Paulo Coelho (The Manual of the Warrior of Light)

-         At home I was awaited by the most delicious French potato ever!

-         My mom and I went for a walk in one afternoon, and managed to talk a bit…were trying to bring our not always similar viewpoints together

-         I had real joy listening to the wood burning in the fireplace, while laying on the sofa and letting my hair dry next to it

-         On my way back to the city I needed to change trains, and while I was waiting for my inter city train, I realized on the station, that moon was just rising up..now that was a breathtaking moment..she was so huge, so mystical, so royal..she was the true queen of the night slowly emerging from under the horizon..I have never seen her being so captivating..she was so close to me, I felt like I could touch her..so I stood there in complete amazement, and thought that this moment was surely worth living for!

-         Had coffee with 2 colleagues who are also very good friends, and made plans, about our future trip, and our get together, that is coming closer

-         Enjoyed a spontaneous party with some friends at Szatyor J

I was thinking a bit about death the other day.  I know it is not a very “joyous” topic..but I was thinking about it from the perspective, that..though we all know we are going to die at point in life, we still manage to “overlook” this fact very often.  We tend to think that for us, around 60-70 years is granted, and so we have time for things, we can procrastinate, we can postpone things…but in fact…we could never know when we the angel is Death is going to come for us.  I was sitting on the sofa, looking outside, and was truly a bit upset at myself, for the fact that lately I have not been myself.  I loved someone (still do) and I thought it was an eternal bond (it still can be, just we chose different paths for ourselves in this life, but as the Ben Affleck says in the movie "The town" we shall meet again..on this side or the other..) that seems like was broken, and not due to my will, so obviously I need to deal with it.  For him it is easier, as he already has a new bond forming, but for me..I believed in this one so much that it is really painful for me to let this silver thread loose, or rather…trying not to take it into account..as I know now that I am not able to cut it…so lately no matter what, I find myself “motivating” myself to be happy, but it does not come naturally..in my heart, deep down..lies sadness…I am capable of understanding the end of this relationship with my brain, but seems like my heart does not wish the follow the mind’s advice.  Of course by time it will get better, though I know it will never disappear fully.  Anyway, we decided we’d never meet and talk again, which should help healing the wounds..but…on the other hand, we were so close (soulmates and friends too) so it just came to me, if someone of high credibility (let’s say God) would tell me, that I was to die tomorrow, would I think “these rules” set up by us to be so important?  For sure not..and then other thoughts came..if I was to die tomorrow, I’d try to enjoy every fraction of the seconds today.  I’d be crazy running around in the city, talking to people to whom I think I should for some reason, I would not be “paralyzed” by social norms, I would not “behave” so to say, I’d smile on the subway, I’d tell everyone to open their hearts and focus on what lies there, I’d tell my family and my friends that I love them dearly, and that I wish they’d have a happy life.  I’d dance on the top of a hill, I’d watch the moon and the stars all night..I’d live the life I was always dreaming about…but then…if we know that at one point we will die, and we do not know when it will happens, what makes us sometimes be so far from the life we dreamt for ourselves?  Is it the automatism of life? Life is not automatic..everything has its time..cycle…and even the routine things we may make colourful if we spice it up with some ritual, or smile…so then what is it?  The struggle for the money, that provides us the chance of “staying alive” but work should be enjoyed…it should not deprive us from the joy of life…it should not burn us out…so then what?  How come that our mind can put a veil on the evidence of death?  I realized that when I hear that a relative of someone close to me died, it hits me..the finality of life, and then I try to treasure every day..but then it lasts 2 weeks, and I sank back to my original indifference… so here is a task to do..to let the air of finality (of this physical life here on Earth) - the breath of the magical Angel of Deathtouch us, and inspire us to live our daily lives at least a bit similar to how we would dream it….but with no forcing it, no pushing it, just loosely, happily, a bit carelessly…

Caravansary

Time can get cruel..time can be precious...time can be too long, or too short...it is all relative..5 more minutes of sleep in the morning is so valuable, 5 minutes before your beloved one arrives is an eternity...I have been thinking much about time lately..how it plays a big role in our lives...we have watches, we have calendar, we are able to measure the time, the days are determined by the movement of the sun and the moon, the changing of the season can give us another schedule as to how the year changes..often I wished a day would consist of 48 hours...but then, if it was so, a day would still be very short when I would be doing what I please...I would not be able to fit more things to it, because I would be used to "plan" for 48 hours instead of 24...basically..it is done so that we should have time for whatever we really want, the question is, whether we really want it. 

Many people told me lately that time will solve, and also sort out everything.  For this I started to hate time...because I grew very impatient, I felt like time is fighting a bloody battle with me, and for sure he is to win, because I'd want everything to be sorted so very much, though I know it is not up to me to make the time go faster...and then...if the time goes faster...it does not mean, that linerally my heart will also grow easier..nope, there is a time for everything, for the sowing, as well as for the harvesting.  By now, I start to realize, that I cannot win against time, so I rather start to make peace with him..eventually we might even become friends. I try to understand that time is soothing my wounds, in fact, it was not him who caused them, but by his secret potion, he is trying to heal them..I realized that until the time when I shall look upon some memories with a different attitude, I shall grow myself as well...get stronger in the soul, and develop inside.  It is really so that we are able to grow the most, when something unpleasant happens to us...seems like the things we do not symphatize much with - pain, patience and time are the best character builders...

Endless time..this expression made me think a lot when I was younger..I just could not capture it, the idea of infinity...for me since I am a human, there was always a beginning and an end..but these days I am gifted with some moments, which seem to pull me out of the world, that is bordered by time.  When I am still..either standing by the river, or listening to raindrops hitting the street, and the roofs, when I watch over the city from the hill, when I contemplate nature (sunset, stars, moon) I feel like everything is concentrated in that moment..and...my brain tells me, this is impossible, because a moment is too short for that...even a lifetime is too short for that, but my heart and soul knows it is true...those are my personal experiences, that might be called in a way the "corridors" of infinity...they help me capture the essence of endless time..

Listening to this song for example presented me some of such peculiar moments:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ts8EvIwBdM

Today, a question raised in me.  Why is it so that people like to sleep so much when they can hear the rainfall outside? I even dowloaded some meditational music, where there is no music, just the raindrops, and it always helps me to fall asleep and calm down.  Nature is really capable of marvelous things.  To be honest, I do not know what is the connection, but I shall pay attention...and try to find some answers for it in the future.

The list of my joys for today is not one of which I'd be proud of....hmmm...I was even thinking that I shall name this note as "material girl".  The reason being is that...well..in the afternoon, after work, and after my ritual walk along the river, I ended up in a shopping mall with a friend, where I purchased a pair of boots, and a turtle neck, and ouu yeah...it made me smile.. For my excuse serves, that I also had a nice little chat with my poor, sick flatmate&friend, aaaaand I made a very taste tuna salad (for the first time in my life!) for supper, which I enjoyed very much, and the weather was very beautiful today, even the sun was shining, I took a long time to walk home, and did not miss to marvel at the sky upon sunset, it had a very lovely shade of purple. 

I'd write some more, but I need to go to bed...I already see myself...at 4:45 AM...struggling to start a new day.....a new, hopefully adventorous and happy day!

Towards the center

As the last blog shows, the previous night turned something in me..I would call it to be "the push" , you know how they always mention, that there was stillness when the universe was made, but once the God gave it a push, it started its perpetual motion.  Well, this is is how I view the last night...not sure why, not sure how, maybe it is all due to only 30 minutes of sleep..but I shall explain it in a bit more detailed version below.

I set my alarm clock, to wake me up at 5 AM, (got to bed at 4:30 AM roughly)..I went to bed, closed my eyes, but then, in one second the squeeking sound of the clock drew me out of my alpha state..it was really hard to wake up, and none of my cells wished to move, but it was a must, and the day started.

In the office I listened to some music, that set my mood.  Then my mood was uplifted with a delicious tuna salad, and some pasta (with bacon and mushrooms in it - yumm).  Furthermore it was taken to the stars by a coffee, brought to me by my very good friend.  Then there was stillness in the office, everyone tried to concentrate hard, and finally we managed to finish. 

Today the weather was really gracious, after a loooong time, I could see the sun!  So I decided that I must take a walk by the river, breath in a bit of fresh air, and let the sunrays caress my face.  I walked down the bank of the river, stood on the very edge, and was overwhelmed with what I saw there.  I was standing right next to the Lánchíd, and was mesmerized with what I saw there.  Such powerful waves were clashing to the embankment, there was pure energy billowing, a multitude of vortexes, and such cumulated energy, waiting to be released, I was astonished.  I stood there, looked down on the rocks, below the bridge that used to serves as seats for our picknicks on a hot summer night, when we would hide there with a glass of wine and some fine cheese and would enjoy the sight of the leisurely rocking ships, the pink sky, and eventually the shining stars...and now it was all kept as captives under the reign of the shapeless, fluid monster, the water.  The people passing by pulled their coats tighter around their waist, the wind was so reckless, so raging, there was nothing to control it.  I sat down on a red bench nearby, I myself also pulled my black coat tighter around me, took a piece of paper, and pen, and tried to put it into words what I saw and experienced.  In the meantime, the sun was trying its best to melt my heart. 

After a while I continued my journey along the river, stopped time to time, with closed eyes, turning towards the sun.  Then eventually I caught a bus, traveled one stop, then walked again.  Ended up in a nearby chinese restaurant, where I had a delicious supper, in the company of the owner lady, some big plants, and an aquarium. 

And here is what I realized today.  I took a walk and it was good, good for my soul and for my heart.  I stared at the power of the river and it was good, it made me think, it made me bend before the strength of nature. I had a meal, not a takeaway, what I always do, just to save time..no, I sat down, took off my coat, and started to spend my supper. I paid attention to the the tastes, to the pasta, to the mushrooms, and I enjoyed it.  I ... I had the feeling, that one can only be joyful, if this joy is not dependant on something...or someone..if this joy is coming from our inner self, because we enjoy it, and it warms our heart.  That is a path to our inner balance and harmony, and if we take the time, to figure out what pleases us, and we do it, not hurriedly, but step by step, not wasting a moment of really giving ourself into it, then we will not be so vulnerable, our joy will be a steadier joy, a joy that will not only happen, when I meet a certain person, when I receive a certain prize, or position, when I manage to catch a certain bus, when I take part in a certain trip.  It will come when we will do what we please to do, and we take the effort to pay attention to it, to its details, to what it gives us.  I could have taken this chinese food with me home, I could have been eating it, sitting on my bed, while taking my socks off, turning on the computer and hurrying to finish it so I could go and take a shower.  Nope, I sat down, and directed all my attention to my food, to its components, to its tastes, and voila! I enjoyed it.  Focus...I need not to be too distracted all the time and doing 60 different things at the same time, I need to be able to concentrate on what I do at the moment, and what it gives me, how it affects me.  And then slowly I shall get to know myself better, piece by piece, and hopefully at the end, instead of having a "temporary" unstable joy that is dependant on something, or someone, (but vanished right away when I loose the thing on which it was dependant on), instead of that I will manage to have joy, that I can share, it will be conjured at the right place, in the right moment,it will be coming from within..and as such, there will always be a chance to pull it out from the center of ourselve.. and to make things better, the characteristic of the joy is so, that it grows, when it is shared...so let's try to take a plunge and start to dive in..to the root of the vortex...

Flowing like the river..

After an upsetting morning, I finished the day with the most awesome evening-night..for a long time now.. We had a goodbye party for some of our colleagues.  This party reminded me those times when in Russia, we were so carefree; left the dormitory in the morning, and would not return till the next sunrise.  We would walk, eat, talk, smoke shisha, have some drinks, end up in a bar, have some more drinks, smile, dance and feel free..just let ourselves loose, if so, get sentimental, dissolve in an ocean of love…because in these moments I always felt like my heart is completely filled with a fountain of joy, and love for the people around me…and tonight this feeling came back…as we were sitting and chatting, or standing by the bar, giving our “last” goodbye hugs to friends, everyone was a bit out of their comfort zone..a bit more confident, a bit more honest, more inclined to speak out what is in their hearts..not so desperate to hide truth behind the curtain of falsehood..a bit more open, letting the other person to get a bigger glimpse to what lies beneath the surface…such a marvelous, smokey, thick, joyous night it was…I could almost touch the vibration of the space, the little threads connecting people to people and how it became obvious to us, that we are happy to have each other, to know each other, and that this connection is not only made up of a “hi how are you” but that it goes well beyond, that on these people you can actually count, and that their friendship is worth making an effort for.   

Thinking back about it..all I remember is colours…red, orange, green, purple..and such a melancholy, that makes people want to waltz, swoosh from one corner to the other, filling the dancefloor…in a way elegant, but very intimate… I think I needed such an experience now..it taught me…showed me a lot of things that I have been neglecting lately.  It showed me that there truly is a wonderful life if you want it, that you shall not let yourself get stuck in the mudpot of your self-pity, but you shall look for things which make you feel like you are living again, which energize you, which fill your batteries up.  Lately, my batteries were just getting low day by day, also thanks to the fact that I happen to love to torture myself…and today, I said enough…why go past by the opportunities gifted to you every day by life, why let the past poison your present.  The past is gone, for good..so today it was great to experience, that the little flame that wants me to live and feel free…free from the shackles of the past, of distrust, of hopelessness..free in the heart..that little flame is not yet ready to be extinguished…it’s a strong little flame, that will slowly grow to become a bonfire!   

The party ended early in the morning, and I decided to walk home, the city was still sleepy a bit, the river calmly flowing..us crossing the bridge, feeling the fresh air, taking a look at the lovely view of wondrous Budapest, talking about freedom..and then..with a big sigh..departing into the dawn..

It was a magical night….

If the stars were mine...

Today has really been a gorgeous day...

Waking up was just awful, but lately it is not such a big surprise, not sure what it is, maybe the midwinter tiredness, if such a thing exist, but...every time the alarm goes off, I just tend to switch it off, trying to win 5 more minutes of peace, calmness and cuddling in the bed, but then..after 5 minutes I want another 5 minutes, and another 5 minutes, and it is never enough...so I did not manage to get up so early as I wished...

The day in the office was fine, had a marvelous coffee break with a friend, then an amazing lunch with 3 of my friends, a very entertaining chat with a colleague, and I was even donating blood today, which is never the same, today it went really easy...withouth any troubles whatsoever...I pumped the blood, it went into that plastic container, I was done, gave my seat away, so that the others would not have to wait in queue for so long and off I was..I think it must be about the 10th time I was giving blood, I really hope they can use it and it helps somebody...

After work I was invited for a supper to a friend.  She lives in the best district of the city, I love to go and visit her.  Her flat is amazing, and well the way up there (it is next to the castle) is just breathtaking...I always get off a bus stop in advance, and from there I walk...and the difference is just remarkable!  I got off and started to walk...then I took a turn right, there is a street which is perpendicular to hers, and from there one can take a glimpse of the city from above..the mountains, and all..well...I stood there for about half an hour and was thinking...I watched the moon (half moon) and the stars that were strong enough to outshine the street lamps, and I was just conversing with God..asking Him to let me win over the "dark night"...Maybe you remember, how in one of his books, Coelho mentions, that faith is like a dark night...(the book is called Brida...one of my favourite ones) He tells us, that we have the chance to populate the dark night with our fears, or...we have the opportunity to trust..trust that it will be all great...according to the wish of God...who helps us, therefore wants the best for us...I was thinking, that I am going through such a phase at the moment, where based on the current circumstances everything should go wrong (moreover..I will not explain the details..but I was even told that nothing will become better till the summer...) BUT! I looked up at the night sky and my heart was filled with faith, peace and hope...that the One up there must know it much better, what is good for me, and what is not...and I shall not populate my "dark night" with scary creatures...I should not anticipate bad things to happen, but I should rather trust and hope!  So there I was and the city became so beautiful, so lovely...the work of men along the centuries, who built such a castle...such roads...wonderful...then I looked down to the street below and an old lady was walking slowly home..She stopped at an old house, with kinda...destroyed walls..took her keys from her old bag, and went in...for me...this scene was so...romantic/sad/true/ancient...I imagined the life of the lady, what she could be through...I imagined, that she inherited the flat, and now is living there alone, her kids further away from her...I do not really understand it, but I have such a sympathy for elderly people...I just love them...there way of living, talking...their tales, their manners...it is another dream world....

After this little intermezzo..I walked to my friend's flat and there was an astonishing supper awaiting for me..you see I really get a lot from life...time to time I even wonder if I deserve it all...there was nicely arranged tomato and mozzarella on my plate, a glass of red wine, and then some sticky banana cake...ahh...such a wondrous night, with the little wine particles traveling through our veins, good company, meaningful talks, a bit of dizzyness in the head, a bit of letting loose and experiencing freedom...a bit of letting all the worries go and concentrating on the dreams...the flavour of accepting what fate had in store for us, the motivation of looking ahead instead of chewing the bones of the past...it was really worth doing, I had a great time, and smiled a lot while we did yoga on the floor :)

On my way home, walking was rather unbelievable...my legs carried me, but I could not feel the steps so much...was rather gazing at the sky...then got to the tram stop, waited a little, became absorbed in an old french song, feet moving to the rhytm of the song when my yellow friend turned up...I hopped on, and enjoyed the way home...while I was listening to my song, memories from St. Petersburgh rushed at me..there was a morning, when after a loooong party, we decided to walk home...it was a long walk but we did not mind...we were sweating a bit, and our head was still filled with the melodies from the club and the steam of vodka...so we walked on the bank of the river Neva, and at one point we came to a halt...we were looking at the calmly swaying ships..and the waking sun...that was a moment I will preserve till the end of my life...at that moment I felt complete...nothing mattered...I felt happy, and nothing was missing...a very good friend was next to me..looking at the scenery...without words...I knew he felt what I felt...we were part of a miracle...and there was no goal, no need, nothing...it just happened to us...right there...in that moment...pink sky, sun...ships and the royal Neva...and tonight on my way home...I remembered this moment...the melody of this French song brought it back to me...it made me so happy I wanted to dance on the tram..my feet started to move and I am sure the guy next to me must have though there is something wrong with me...but I could not care less...my heart was filled with joy...

and upon getting off the tram, the tram driver smiled at me...a precious gift from the night...

Over the hills and far away...

Tough...tough day...

Joy:
- a collection of Irish Poetry
- a book on Celtic Spiritual verse (poems of the Western Highlanders)
- The Great Works of Philosophy
+ 2 longer in KFC

hopefully...this time...some nice dreams...

Dance with me...

Today's post, I really thought...will be a big challenge...not sure why, but did not have the mood today..maybe it was the weather, everything so grey, concrete...a big, heavy, thick blanket thrown on the whole city...slimy pavements, mud all over...no sun, no fragrance of flowers, just moisture sneaking under your skin...yeah...I did not have the taste..urge to do anything...Time went on in the office, but...I felt like I just cannot find my place..I felt like I am not myself, and the whole world around me is only a projection...images, situations...like if someone was making a movie around me..so surreal....people talking in the moments I was anticipating it, emails coming, issues waiting to be solved...then...trams making a turn, a guy running across the tram, the tram ringing, people standing..lifting their hands up to show their disagreement...I could not capture it...I mean I could capture everything happening around me but it felt like I am not a part of it..I am an outsider, just making notes of the behaviour of these humans on this foggy day...it felt so foreign to me..and yet I could easily dissolve, they did not realize that I do not belong here, I was playing my role right...just for me everything seemed so...distant and mechanical...there was no life in these acts of people, in the events...it felt like as if it vanished, and I am just dreaming it all...it was really very strange...thank God, my friend also felt it..she was my only connection to reality, she made me sure that I am still here...on Earth, for real...and I am not dreaming...

In the afternoon I got home but did not have much time, as I needed to go to my very first dance lesson... Yuppppp..well...I was much scared...I didn't want to go, I felt tired...and so on...crazy, how many excuses one can find when there is some kind of fear hiding in one's heart...I kinda suspected that I am not so tired, and I could even be excited, if I was not thinking about things like: "I will be so lame...I do not even know this kind of dance..the others must be professionals..it will probably be very fast....I will not like it" and so on...but then on the way there I kept on telling myself: "Na! Dio! This is crazy, you need to be brave...a warrior of light is brave and does not let herself defeated already before the battle...it all depends on the mind...if in your mind you are prepared, it will all be ok...just let yourself loose, and then you shall even enjoy it! Do not bother what others will say..you love to dance and you'd like to learn some moves...so there you go!"  I managed to chase away a big deal of my fear, but then we entered the building and I saw all those people and the cunning fear tried to creep back into my heart...slowly, but strongly...but then! the music started to play and there was no more chance to think! We just started to move to the rhytm and it was really enjoyable...for a couple moments I forgot all my sorrow, even the many people standing in front of me and behind me...I just paid attention to the rippling sound of the drums and this fast...spinning beat carried me on into a new world...a world where you are able to express everything that is in you by your body...you have your hands, legs, hips and butt..your stomach and your shoulders...these are your words, and you may connect your movement to form sentences..but your only way of communication is the body...it was a thrilling experience!  Of course I am not a professional, did not manage to learn all the coreography, but enjoyed it...and purchased a pass, so that I could go again in the coming weeks...I need this crazyness at least once a week from now on!

In the Happyland...

After a tiring day on Friday I decided to walk home from one of the metro stations..I do it often because in the night the city shows its hidden face, and I like this face..it is much calmer, friendlier, cozier, softer....

On my way home I tend to spend a little bit of time on the bridge, that connects the 2 sides of the city.  I love bridges...we need bridges, to connect 2 parts of a city, to connect a man to woman...present is also a bridge that connect the past to the future..and I love to be on the bridge...it is the feeling of stepping on there...knowing that you leave something behind, but then you have something else to arrive to..a different place..there is the melancholy of the past, and the excitement of the future in it..bridges enable us to cross..they make the impossible possible.....if there is a river, and we cannot cross it, we build a bridge..if it is done, new horizons open..we are then able to walk through and experience what is on the other bank of the river...then we need to pay attention to how we build this bridge...will it last? is it well constructed? have the architects been cautious enough?  did they make it able to stand strong even in the times of storms and earhquakes?  marriage is also a bridge...... so all in all I am fond of bridges, therefor I love to stand there and contemplate the river below me, the other bridges that also cross the river..and lights of the city trembling on the gentle waves.....over the river...on the bridge the wind is more powerful...there are no buildings to stand in its way and it can let its power free...I just stand there and let this wind coming from the north blow me over..for me it is a sort of ritual...at the end of the day I let all my worries and grieves be carried away by this wind...I let him take it far far...let it spread over the sea where it dissolves....then I feel free....I feel capable of capturing the stars, hugging the moon and greeting dawn with a kiss...so you see time to time I need to stand on the bridge and let the wind cleanse me...

The next morning started early, with some friends we were going on a trip to the hills/mountains of Buda. We met at the tramstop, got our little booklet where we needed to collectthe stamps from the different control points.  The weather was gourgeous, not too cold, yet cold enough not to melt all the snow.  The forests are really amazing..I admire them in all seasons of the year, so I was indeed very happy to be able to spend some time there that day.  The trip included a couple kilometers in the city as well, but it was really not bothering.  The elevation changed time to time and there were moments when we were a bit out of breath, but all in all it was not too tiring.  Walking there, on the white paths, among sleeping trees, that were deprived of all their ornaments..no leaves, no flowers....all was so still and frozen..under the reign of mighty winter queen...I felt like we should whisper not to bother the stillness of the place...no traces of life could be found, yet we could feel that it is just the surface...deep down on the level of roots, beyond the outer layer of the trees a strong heart is beating, if we listened carefully we could even hear the even breathing of the earth below our feet. We completed the trip in a little more than 5 hours (20km) and felt nicely exhausted.  At the finish we got our well deserved sausages with mustard, and hot tea - tasted great, would not have exchanged it for anything, it made our stomach satisfied and carried all the energy to our blood vessels which have been craving for it already. 

After the trip we traveled home, I took a shower, for long while, just kept on gazing at the waterdrops on the wall of the shower cabin.  They playfully made their way downwards, obiding to the law of gravity, acknowleding its power over them.  They did not seem to mind, they were happily fullfilling their fate.  The touch of warm water felt so good for my exhausted body, I did not want it to come to an end...ever...but we shall know there is an end to everything..even good things.. However the end of my great shower was well compensated, as my friends arrived shortly after and we conjured a magnificent evening from red wine, waterpipe, cakes, and music! 

The stage..

Today I am firstly very happy about a comment that was made to one of my post, this dear friend was reminding me that I should not be procrastinating, but feel a bit more responsible towards my little blog..and how it was said in the beginning, make it a collection of little treasures, found every day.  So now, feeling a bit ashamed for not being as diligent as I should have been, I am trying to make a compensation here :)

In the past days, there were quite a few things, which lifted my spirits. 

On Thursday, I went to theater with my friends.  We watched Shirley Valentine in a little underground room, not many of us could join the performance, therefore the atmosphere was rather special.  The play had one actress, she was telling us the story of this girl/lady, but it was not like a tale, rather, us the people watching got dropped into one of her everyday act, which in this case was: peeling potatoes.  She told us about her family, about her past, how she was before she got married, then how she changed during the years of her marriage..nonono...she rather realized that she changed in the years of her marriage, and started to think about why she feels like she lost herself, and became "used to" living with her husband.  She smilingly remembered how great and crazy it was when they were painting the walls together and then ended up putting yellow paint all over each other, and how much this joy and carefreeness is contradictory to the man who comes home, and gets angry if his supper is not ready when he enters the house.  How they became "flatmates" who are aware of what the other person wants, or dislikes, but how they lost the "deep connection" what they had, how slowly they became the prisoners of what I could describe as "routine" and how...like a slimy monster it digested their life.  So the lady decided to go to Greece, no matter if her husband will not like it, and there in Greece, there is a scene, which is a favourite of one of my friends.  The dream of this lady is that once she would like to drink wine in a country where grapes are grown (Shirley is from the UK) moreover she would like to have this glass of wine by the sea..so one afternoon she goes to his cute tavern and asks, if she could take that table and chair to the sea..the owner does not understand it, but then figures out that it is her dream..that could be fullfilled..so he lets here do that....Finally...after so many years, there she is..sitting by the sea, next to her table, watching the sunset...her dream came true! The dream she has been reliving day by day in herself...she imagined all possible feelings that are going to indulge in her...and yet...she did not expect this...she starts to cry...the completion of the dream at the end is not so overwhelming as she thought it would be...and she concludes: "dreams are not always where we think they are"  Hmmm...so then...maybe...my dream that I will be asked for my hand on Charles bridge, when the snow will be falling down gently....would not be how I would imagine it...maybe it is not a disaster that it will not happen...maybe I would just start to cry as well...but it is better like this...it is better to live through gorgeous moments unexpectedly, then knowing them in advance, preparing for them and so on, because then they lack the great spice of surprise..and if good things happen suddenly, unexpectedly, surprisingly, maybe...the fact hat we are not even ready for them guarantees that we will be giving ourselves, and our heart's desire in that very moment....

Shirley also mentioned, that many of us have so much potential in us...be somehow we manage to bury it within us...and therefore we forget about them, we get accustomed to the rush of the world, the usual deeds of every day, our errands, and we do not use out our potentials...talents if you like...at the end we look around and think...there are so many unused lives...and I can imagine that it is so easy to live like that, doing what we need to..but then do we want to?  Time to time (rather more often) we should also do, what we really want to..and not just what we need to...we should give in for our dreams as well...we should also have faith that we are capable of unique, miraculous things too..not only routine...at the end...we are not robots..but humans...capable of realizing beauty, capapble of creating machines, pieces of art, comformting friends and laughing...so there you go...we should always remember that we are a body with soul...with a breath from God in us.....

The performance was really enjoyable, and the actress received a great applause...I really look up to actors and actresses...They give in their whole heart into a role and they can really make show us how the given character could be feeling in that situation, they are able to bring our feelings to surface...indifference is certainly difficult to find in theater I would say..that is why I love theaters so much...those actors can make us sad, happy, angry, we feel with them, we cheer for them or even would like to help them.  A good actor is a real treasure and just like our actress, deserves applause..When the play finished, she came back and we just kept on clapping..we could see the light shining in her eyes..she gave us a great gift, she made us laugh, she made us think, and she did it with so much enthusiasm...congratulations!

Sir Bed

Today, unfortunately I may only construct a small note...why? Well because Sir Bed is waiting for me..He commanded me to be in his arms in no more than 10 minutes....yeah I know...demanding he is...but in a way I agree with him...I have been neglecting him lately, did not spend much time with him, and of course he feels like I do not love him any more...I am telling him very often "Ouu come on! I'll be right here with you, and we'll spend much time together! We'll travel to far away lands, we'll share secrets" but then something always comes up and I do not keep my promises...and he is left there alone...so today...I need to sacrifice myself...it is also for my own good..can you imagine how cruel he can be in the mornings, when I need to go to work?  He does everything to keep me back..and he IS powerful!  He provides softness, warmth and tenderness, and you feel like you'd love to get lost in his arms forever...but then..you must go..and you dream about his marvelous qualities all the way towards the office..

Therefore, today there will be only a short list of miracles, that spiced my day:
- supporting friends, emails, messages sent at the right moment, received joyfully
- coffee with 2 lovely girls, sharing dreams, preparing to make them true in the future
- listening to some great songs online
- finishing work on time
- the possibility of a trip to Hamburg becoming more and more achievable
- hotness in the flat (our heating broke down I think..it is just heating and heating and cannot stop)

Ooops, my time is up, gotta go...had some more things on my mind to tell still, but oh well...tomorrow is another day and I shall remember!

A small world...

I must admit life can be contradictory..I realized, that I live in a minimized world, where everything is magnified..how strange is that?  That is one reason why I like to travel..because when I do so, my horizon expands, and I see the things, which inhabit my world, from a different angle.

When I was in Russia, I hardly ever used the public transportation, maybe due to the lack of confidence regarding my Russian language, maybe because it did not seem so reliable as what I've known in Budapest, maybe because I wanted to save money.  So I walked a lot.  Believe me, a bus or a subway stop in Russia is a much bigger one than in my hometown.  Suddenly it dawned on me..when at home, doing my daily routine I did not even realize distance..I thought my world, that was bordered by my journey from the flat to school, then to some pubs, was THE WORLD, and obviously in such a limited world, all that happens is of great importance..so I got frustrated, when a bus was 10 minutes late...hardly ever occured to me that I could even walk, and reach my destination in the meantime, instead of waiting and worrying.  But there I was in Russia, and I learned what distance really means.  When I returned, for half a year I did not even use the public transportation, I was so used to walking, I found it funny that the majority of the people get on a tram for such a short distance...it was the first clash between my small world and the greater world..and by now, my small world has taken over again :) I do not walk so much ...But by concentrating too much on our small world, are we not trying to narrow an ocean to a pond?  A pond can be pretty too, but the ocean! with its waves, vastness, with the diversity of its inhabitants...fish of such forms and colours that we are surely not to find in your pond..I think at least once, we need to take a tour to the ocean...just to have the experience, and be able to feel the difference..it can teach us to marvel in the beauties of the universe, it can show us a whole new spectrum of colours, and is able to make us ready to colour our dreams the way we want...

Unfortunately in the pond, some things manage to draw more attention then they deserve...a weed for example...a weed can be a big threat in the pond, but is lost in an ocean..what we should understand, that instead of telling everyone about the weed, reading books on how to get rid of them etc. we should just pluck it...and its gone...the pond is healthy again!  If we take too much time,and dwell too much in how to make it disappear, it might reproduce, and then..the lovely pond is surely in danger...However, plucking the weed, getting rid of it, and cleaning the pond should not make us think that we are in control of everything.  Maybe we were good enough to pluck that weed, because it was of a weak kind..but it does not mean right away that we own the pond, therefore we are in charge, and we will form our pond without any help.  There are times, when I think "hah! I sorted this and that, I am capable of controling everything here, I feel secure..but...not happy"  I need to learn to contemplate the pond...I need to be cautious...I would not want to pluck out a plant that is similar to the weed, maybe it will develop to be a beautiful waterlily, which will enrich my pond..will bring beauty to it...I need to make sure that I do not take over too much, but let the pond live its own life too.. I am not knowledgable enough to know which fish is ok with the fact that my pond has crystal clear water, sand on its shore, a tree hanging over its beach..I am not sure how big the fish will grow....I certainly would not want to keep a shark there, as he would eat all the other fish...there needs to be a balance...I can take care of the animals living in the pond, I can clean its bottom when its needed, but I shall also let the the little creek bring some nice creatures to it, I shall be alert and pluck only the weeds, not the waterlilies...

Often when we own something we do not even know what we own it for...why we need it...we just own it for owning it...not like the little prince..he owned the flower because it was of use to the flower that he owned her.

So my conclusion is, that it is very satisfactory to live in a pond, especially if you have already been to the ocean, then you learn to appreciate your pond, but u'll always have nice memories of the ocean and its diversity.  The pond can only be kept healthy and nice if we let it have its own path of development and do not try to interfere each and every second, either to increase the speed of its prospering, we only need to be there, help it grow, and find joy in contemplating a sunset by its shore..or the moonrays dancing on its surface on a starry night.  We need to take care of the creatures living in our pond...we cannot take them granted, like we would deserve them to be there...we need to work on making them comfortable living there, we need to let them know that we appreciate it that they are there...we need to give them enough space, good food, and talk to them.  Then they will not feel neglected, they will feel precious, and will not want to leave...all creatures, let them be the small bugs, waterlilies, fish, crabs, frogs etc. are unique and true treasures, they all matter, they make up the lovely community of the pond, they make it so beautiful and noisy on a summer night.  If any of them leaves..the pond will not be the same again...it will continue living, but its character will change...and we'll be missing those diamonds we did not treasure enough.  Some creatures come and go, they come to discover how is life in this pond, and once they collected enough experiences they move on to another beautiful pond...we need to be thankful for them..while they were living in our pond, they made it amazing, they contributed to the joy that is settled in one's heart upon contemplating by her pond. 

Hmm...today is a rather philosophical day...maybe the many shades of grey reflected on streets, roofs, clouds stimulated me to dwell so much in my thoughts..but I am very thankful for it, I enjoyed the journey to my pond, and I am thankful for all its plants and animals, for its blueness, for its fresh water, for its gentle waves! 

Truly it was a marvelous day, and it is not over yet! Just about to go to theater with my friends :)

The life collecting small miracles is really a great one, they produce so much energy, it would be enough to erupt a volcano!

Off for today, I realize I am writing more and more...if it continues on like this, I might end up having no readers whatsoever :)

Hazafelé

Néhány dolgot csak az anyanyelvemen tudok igazán kifejezni...ilyen a hazautazásaim története..íme, szóvirágokba sűrítve amit magamból és a külvilágból tapasztalok, mikor egy téli éjjelen hazafelé tartok...

Hazafelé

Keserédes út az esti gyorson
Műbőr ülés és nincs fűtés
Kiégett lámpák, fényárban úszó plázák
Fém a fémhez simul, és közben kezem a hajamba túr

Egy, két...három állomás
A megszokott ajtócsapódás
Vagonba taszított egyedi világ s néhány ásítás
Könyvek közé temetett tekintetek, jégvirágba zárt gondolatok
Szerelembe esni vajon áldás, vagy átok?

Zsibbadt lábak, elfáradt lelkek
A megérkezés után epekednek
Boldogságuk börtönőre a mozdony vezetője
Kinek szívét átjárja a lomha éjszaka tőre

Az útnak vége, fagyott csend fogad
3 kilométer csábítja lábamat
Lépést lépés követ, a hold figyel
A sötétben haza, csak kevés vándor jut el.

2010. január 3. 23:13 - Dió

The elephant inside the boa constrictor

Way too difficult to wake up..as always when work starts at 6.  As I used to do for the last one and a half year, got up, sat for 5 minutes on the edge of my bed, gathering energy for the new day..

I must tell I never realized that metros are great tools for knocking us out of the reality (what is reality by the way) and fly us to..well this morning to the desert where Antoine de Saint-Exupery's aeroplane landed.  I got on, sat down, then, and all the sudden found myself looking at a picture, which with the eyes of a grownup would be seen as a hat...only some would realize that it is an elephant inside a boa constrictor.  It made me think..if it was not written there, would I have been able to realize the elephant in the stomach of the boa constrictor?  If we see the hat, does it mean that we really SEE?  Or we are just mainly driven by what we know...what we learned..and try to find the similarities between a picture and what it reminds us?  Do we immediately search our head for information, to give us the answer when the question: "What do you see on the picture?" arises? Does it mean that our minds, the minds of the grownups are much bordered by forms of learned behaviour, experience, and information only?  How come the Little Prince, and also a child is able to see the elephant inside the boa constrictor?  Is it so that when we are new to the world, we see everything from a different angle? The angle of creativity, the angle of a greater reality?  It made me think...how secure is our sense of reality?  Do we always see reality, or do we only want to think that what we see is reality?  There is a difference...to look at the picture and see the hat, for me is a poor reality..a grey one, limited one...the see the elephant inside the boa constictor is part of a more colourful, broader world... and I love to enter that world time to time.. 

Then I read about the sheep the Little Prince got, the sheep in the little box..this reminded me our flock that took a visit to Prague last year..the memories rushed at me because the Little Prince was not satisfied with the sheep Antoine drew for him, one was too sick, the other too old.  He could not draw a good one, because he did not know how to draw.. He said that he had only properly studied geography, history, arithmetic and grammar...it was our case too, we also had difficulties drawing a sheep, because we were focusing on other "knowledge"...knowledge that was thought to be more "useful" something we'll be able to prosper in the future..were we?

Time flew by...I did not want to "wake up" but the subway arrived, and I had to step out..into my world of "everyday reality"

Work was not so bad today actually, I had a very great friend with me who did his best to keep my spirit lifted :) We had a good laugh, arranged some small "morning party" in the office, listened to Quimby (big time favourite) and enjoyed each other's company.  It felt so good to start the day with such a nice kickoff!  In the meantime the fog slowly flooded the whole city, and hid all the yawns of the sleepy buildings..This way the world outside of the office got some bonus time before it was really time to wake up, and let the day creep into our flesh. 

I had a very delicious salami sandwich today, and magnificent coffee with powdered cinnamon, and cocoa, it made content and a bit more lively :)

After work, I headed to the bookstore, where I was welcomed by the hugs of my closest friends.  They were so hungry for some words of spiritual wisdom, I saw the glow in their eyes as they stood there hugging tightly the 2 books they chose from the many, and obviously fell in love with for the very first time.  Their faces reflected the joy of a kid, who receives the toy they heard and dreamt so much about. They know it will be awesome to learn how to use the game, though they have only read the manual.  We paid and walked on to fill our growling (impatient) stomach with some energy.  While eating I shared with them all I discovered by plunging a bit into the mysteries of numerology, and they enthusiastically listened while eating. 

After the marvelous meal I hopped on the tram and continued my journey with the Little Prince, and he told me the following story:

" I know a planet where a certain purple-faced gentleman lives.  He has never inhaled the scent of a flower.  He has never looked at a star.  He has never loved anyone.  He has never done anything except add up figures.  And all day long, just like you, he repeats to himself: "I am a serious person! I am a serious person!" And this makes him swell up with pride.  But he is not a man - he's a mushroom!"

The story was told to Antoine, because he was too busy fixing his aeroplanes, instead of answering the question of the Little Prince: "Why do flowers have thorns?" He could not understand why it was important for the Little Prince to know, but then it cleared up.  "If someone loves a flower, of which there is only one example among all the millions of stars, that is enough to make him happy when he looks up at the night sky.  He says to himself: "Somewhere out there is my flower."  But if a sheep eats the flower, it's as though all the stars have suddenly gone out!" ..... But...I suppose...if the flower has thorns...the sheep will not be able eat her..so she can be more safe from the threat, but...by the same token...she will also deprive herself from the caressing hands of her admirers..because she could put a scar unintentionally on the hand of the one who only wants to care for her...touch her by love...so I guess thorns are to be cautious about...they can protect..but can hurt too...and isolate...

For the evening 2 more friends arrived.  We shared tea, cookies, stories, memories, beliefs, theories.  These were very pleasant and meaningful moments..I grew, I learned, I enjoyed...

All in all, it was a beautiful day and I am much thankful for it! 

One of the greatest gifts from God

I was about to fall asleep, when I decided to listen to one more song before escaping to the dreamworld.  I had  3 candles lit in the room and a whole hurricane of thoughts in my head.  But then..it hit me...I owe a great thanks, lifelong support to my friends...for their love, encouraging words, faith in me and patience...I only realize now, I am only able to capture the true essence of what it means to be surrounded by marvelous people now, when I am going through not an easy period of my journey here on Earth.  I admit I had miserable moments lately, the development of the soul, and character is always a painful process, but the hardship of it is so much eased by the support I get from you, my friends.  I am so very thankful to God for letting these precious souls crossing my path, and I feel in this very moment that my heart is overflown with the love for them..dearest friends...thank you so much for being there for me...you can be sure, that I'll remember your goodness, your generosity till the end of my life, and will always be there for you when you will be in need...This is a truly magical moment, and I am happy, so happy that I could capture it...it is a feeling which creates a rainbow over a grey stone desert, it is the flame of the candle that chases away the darkness, it is the joy of the child upon seeing his mother in the morning, it is the gracefulness of the swaying reed on an endless field, it is the aimless wondering of a single cloud on a blue sky, it is the mystic silver ray of the moon on a summer night, it is the freedom of the fish swimming in a deep blue sea, it is the peacefulness of the sunset....these are the moments, moments filled with love that will always be worth living for...

Keep calm and carry on

I was sleepily, wearily waiting for the metro at 6:10 AM, at Arpad hid.  Not many people were sharing my faith on this fine Sunday morning, after all the celebrations connected with the New Year.  It is always a strange feeling to stand there, next to the tracks..a bit lost in time...the digital clock shows the next metro is to arrive in 3 minutes, but it is usually wrong, so you cannot really expect when the long snake will feel pity for you and slide in to pick you up and carry you on.  I tend to concentrate only on my bed in these moments, I imagine how quickly I will scooch under the cover, hugging Sullivan, and falling asleep.

Then the metro arrives, I get on, and look around me..it interests me what I can see on the faces..mainly exhaustion...they reflect the longing for the softness of the pillow, the warmth of the cover, the protecting hand of the loved one around...there is the conflict of dreams and reality painted on those faces...it rarely happens, that somebody smiles at this time of the day, while sitting there, flying closer and closer to the destination which triggers a circle...a circle containing coffee, computer, colleagues, lunch, coffee, work, logging out, and taking the subway again to finish the day, how we started it...

I realized, that the metro arrives to the tram station with such a timing, that if I do not rush up the elevator, I miss the tram, and the next one is to come in 10 minutes. But I hate to rush...so I did not run up, I let the elevator complete its task, it brought me up from underneath..from the world below, and to my surprise the tram was still there, and driver waiting for me to hop on.  It made me content to know, that the universe was helpful enough and did not wish to deprive me of an extra 10 minutes of sleep.

Once at home, I jumped to bed and slept till about 2PM, then I opened the shades and the sun was shining! I have not seen the sun shining for about the week now, so it was really a new experience...the weather might have decided lately to reflect my mood, or just wished to show some solidarity and imitated the clouds of my soul by putting a thick grey cover over the whole city, but today...it decided to give me a push, to urge me to move on.  Even my plants were very glad to see a bit of light...and all of a sudden the promise of the spring grew in us with a vast speed.

For today as well I had a meeting organized, a friend, currently living and working in the UK visited me.  He is close to my heart, though we do not meet often, when we actually manage, it puts my energy stocks to a healthy level.  Thanks David! :) We had a tea, then a shot of home made palinka, and finally ended up in KFC, talking about society, life, love and all these great topics we tend to circle around, but hardly are capable of understanding it.  We shared our views, he gave me comfort, and injected some strength into me, he encouraged me to focus on the future and the present and let the past go, he asked me to have faith that everything is going to get better, all I need is time...but time seems to be my enemy lately, I try to make peace with it, hoping that then he will be more merciful with me, but I am not the best negotiator lately. 

I'm at home again, and just collecting the pluses of the day (which is not even over yet) and I am satisfied, I can book a healthy balance :) spot on tram ride, good sleep, caressing rays of the sun, English breakfast tea from my friend, not too spicy chicken wings, energizing talk with David, and last but not at least:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VQ8ndz56x0&feature=related 

This song fits my mood this evening.

The 1st day of 2011

After working till midnight in the office on the 31^st of December 2010, I went over to my friends to wish a Happy New Year to them, had a bit of chat with them, some sausages, and very delicious cakes.  I spent half an hour trying to get a taxi, but finally managed!  The way home was rather long, we got into a traffic jam, as there was some kind of open air party near Oktogon.  Arrived home, bed, strange dreams, and then!!! the new year really started when at 11ish when I woke up.  The first few thoughts were not at all inspiring, still felt tired, it was cloudy outside, and cold in the flat.  But as already mentioned, this “diary” is not about complaints, but about the small miracles of each and every day.  This day was great because I met a friend from Germany, whom I have not seen for about 3 years now!! (We know each other from St. Petersburg where we were exchange students at the same time.) Moreover, I met his girlfriend too, and we had an extra delicious coffee latte macchiato in Burger King! I know..not too idyllic surrounding for a meaningful talk, but the focus was on us seeing each other again! He is doing great, working of course, but living in a very cozy relationship, and it made him and me happy as well, that even after 3 years, when we meet, we do not just talk about superficial things, but we are able to go under.  He even said that talking now, feels like we just saw each other for the last time only yesterday! It is really marvelous, how you can pick up on other people’s life so quickly even after 3 years!  After the meeting I got home with lifted spirits.  Then I listened to the radio a bit, danced some..just for my own pleasure and then again was on the way towards the lovely home of my friends. 

After getting off the subway, walking towards the flat, I looked up the sky, and saw those beautiful stars shining down on the city..I love the stars, they make me so happy, I love to look for the different constellations, and it gives me peace to know, that these very stars, building up Ursa Mayor for example are with me in Budapest, but also in my village, where my parents live….they were there when I looked for them in Transylvania, and also in Prague.  I regard them as my old friends, they mean stability, and permanence in my life..things can be changing, people, situations, conflicts, good and bad moments come and go, but those stars they..they remind me of the eternity of the soul, they remind me my aim to stay patient, and strong in faith, that anything can happen, but God is there…through the changes in life He provides me the chance to grow, if I endure…if I do not fall in to the pitch of self pity and misery, if I trust Him and let Him show me the path He will bless me and provide much much more topic for this blog. Also, the stars carry a bit of magic in themselves..they have seen so many things happening on Earth, if they could tell a tale..we’d have much to listen to. Probably from different perspectives than what we know, through history…they are true diamonds of the nights, companion of the mystical moon.  They mean hope for me..I could stare them for hours without stopping. 

The next very pleasant moment got to me at my friends’ place. I could call it the happiness of Zee. She arrived after me, and was just full of energy!  She had some worries, some questions, and she almost right away received the answers for them, moreover some guidance was included! What can be even more joyful is that I can be part of her future free time activity too! It will be a kind of workshop, connected with miracles..I do not know much more about it yet, but for sure I’ll include news on it here, as the time goes on and we’ll take part in it.  Unfortunately I had to leave my friends early…there was another obligation…that is work…yup, I am on nightshift today, so I had to come to the office by 10 pm…aaaand there is 45 minutes left from this day, so looking forward attentively if another moment of joy will be fitted into that time :)

Introduction

My very first intention was to write a diary…a physical one..but then I changed my mind.  Last year (2010) was not the best year of my life, it had its struggles .. a bit more than anticipated, and I learned a lot from it..also, I realized, that I complain a lot..that inspired me to start writing the Book of Mirth…firstly I just wanted to write it to myself, my aim was to make a note for every day, and every note had to contain at least one miracle of life.  It could be a very small one, but it had to be something that made me smile, this is how I wanted to “wake myself up” in order to realize the happy moments too, instead of focusing too much on the negative things.  Therefore the idea of a kind of “joy diary” was born.  But then, a friend of mine said something interesting, she told me that if you have goals/dreams and you keep them within yourself, they might drive you to achieve them, but if you are the type, who is not so committed it is also easy to forget them, but! If you share your goals with your friends for example, then you are in a way more “obliged” not to let them go…I know it sounds a bit strange from the point of view, that if they are really important goals, you’d go for them anyway, but still it can serve as a small push down the road.  So this is how this blog was born…instead of a diary, kept only for myself, I decided to make it a blog, more or less public – more or less, because my friends will know about it, and then if someone else is also interested, he/she can get a little glimpse of my joyous moments too…but still…I think it will be more pleasant to read for the people who actually know me.  Yet, to prove my intention of not excluding anyone who is interested, the main language is going to be English…it might happen that some notes will be written in Hungarian, my native language, that will be due to my actual mood..however, I’ll try to concentrate on writing the majority of the book in English (maybe my American friends will time to time have the taste to read a bit too ) After such a lengthy prologue, let’s start