Today's post, I really thought...will be a big challenge...not sure why, but did not have the mood today..maybe it was the weather, everything so grey, concrete...a big, heavy, thick blanket thrown on the whole city...slimy pavements, mud all over...no sun, no fragrance of flowers, just moisture sneaking under your skin...yeah...I did not have the taste..urge to do anything...Time went on in the office, but...I felt like I just cannot find my place..I felt like I am not myself, and the whole world around me is only a projection...images, situations...like if someone was making a movie around me..so surreal....people talking in the moments I was anticipating it, emails coming, issues waiting to be solved...then...trams making a turn, a guy running across the tram, the tram ringing, people standing..lifting their hands up to show their disagreement...I could not capture it...I mean I could capture everything happening around me but it felt like I am not a part of it..I am an outsider, just making notes of the behaviour of these humans on this foggy day...it felt so foreign to me..and yet I could easily dissolve, they did not realize that I do not belong here, I was playing my role right...just for me everything seemed so...distant and mechanical...there was no life in these acts of people, in the events...it felt like as if it vanished, and I am just dreaming it all...it was really very strange...thank God, my friend also felt it..she was my only connection to reality, she made me sure that I am still here...on Earth, for real...and I am not dreaming...
In the afternoon I got home but did not have much time, as I needed to go to my very first dance lesson... Yuppppp..well...I was much scared...I didn't want to go, I felt tired...and so on...crazy, how many excuses one can find when there is some kind of fear hiding in one's heart...I kinda suspected that I am not so tired, and I could even be excited, if I was not thinking about things like: "I will be so lame...I do not even know this kind of dance..the others must be professionals..it will probably be very fast....I will not like it" and so on...but then on the way there I kept on telling myself: "Na! Dio! This is crazy, you need to be brave...a warrior of light is brave and does not let herself defeated already before the battle...it all depends on the mind...if in your mind you are prepared, it will all be ok...just let yourself loose, and then you shall even enjoy it! Do not bother what others will say..you love to dance and you'd like to learn some moves...so there you go!" I managed to chase away a big deal of my fear, but then we entered the building and I saw all those people and the cunning fear tried to creep back into my heart...slowly, but strongly...but then! the music started to play and there was no more chance to think! We just started to move to the rhytm and it was really enjoyable...for a couple moments I forgot all my sorrow, even the many people standing in front of me and behind me...I just paid attention to the rippling sound of the drums and this fast...spinning beat carried me on into a new world...a world where you are able to express everything that is in you by your body...you have your hands, legs, hips and butt..your stomach and your shoulders...these are your words, and you may connect your movement to form sentences..but your only way of communication is the body...it was a thrilling experience! Of course I am not a professional, did not manage to learn all the coreography, but enjoyed it...and purchased a pass, so that I could go again in the coming weeks...I need this crazyness at least once a week from now on!
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