- continuation of my Russian classes, on the first class this year we started with a small catch-up, my teacher patiently listened to all what happened to me since we last met, calmly nodded when I mentioned her in what despair I have been lately, and told her about my way of trying to get out of the ditch
- I met 2 lovely friends of mine, we went for a bit of shopping tour, where they managed to get some really fashionable items, had a coffee, and talked a bit..their understanding and support means much to me
- I traveled 4 hours home on the train, and I had a comfortable seat, heating and one of my favourite book from Paulo Coelho (The Manual of the Warrior of Light)
- At home I was awaited by the most delicious French potato ever!
- My mom and I went for a walk in one afternoon, and managed to talk a bit…were trying to bring our not always similar viewpoints together
- I had real joy listening to the wood burning in the fireplace, while laying on the sofa and letting my hair dry next to it
- On my way back to the city I needed to change trains, and while I was waiting for my inter city train, I realized on the station, that moon was just rising up..now that was a breathtaking moment..she was so huge, so mystical, so royal..she was the true queen of the night slowly emerging from under the horizon..I have never seen her being so captivating..she was so close to me, I felt like I could touch her..so I stood there in complete amazement, and thought that this moment was surely worth living for!
- Had coffee with 2 colleagues who are also very good friends, and made plans, about our future trip, and our get together, that is coming closer
- Enjoyed a spontaneous party with some friends at Szatyor J
I was thinking a bit about death the other day. I know it is not a very “joyous” topic..but I was thinking about it from the perspective, that..though we all know we are going to die at point in life, we still manage to “overlook” this fact very often. We tend to think that for us, around 60-70 years is granted, and so we have time for things, we can procrastinate, we can postpone things…but in fact…we could never know when we the angel is Death is going to come for us. I was sitting on the sofa, looking outside, and was truly a bit upset at myself, for the fact that lately I have not been myself. I loved someone (still do) and I thought it was an eternal bond (it still can be, just we chose different paths for ourselves in this life, but as the Ben Affleck says in the movie "The town" we shall meet again..on this side or the other..) that seems like was broken, and not due to my will, so obviously I need to deal with it. For him it is easier, as he already has a new bond forming, but for me..I believed in this one so much that it is really painful for me to let this silver thread loose, or rather…trying not to take it into account..as I know now that I am not able to cut it…so lately no matter what, I find myself “motivating” myself to be happy, but it does not come naturally..in my heart, deep down..lies sadness…I am capable of understanding the end of this relationship with my brain, but seems like my heart does not wish the follow the mind’s advice. Of course by time it will get better, though I know it will never disappear fully. Anyway, we decided we’d never meet and talk again, which should help healing the wounds..but…on the other hand, we were so close (soulmates and friends too) so it just came to me, if someone of high credibility (let’s say God) would tell me, that I was to die tomorrow, would I think “these rules” set up by us to be so important? For sure not..and then other thoughts came..if I was to die tomorrow, I’d try to enjoy every fraction of the seconds today. I’d be crazy running around in the city, talking to people to whom I think I should for some reason, I would not be “paralyzed” by social norms, I would not “behave” so to say, I’d smile on the subway, I’d tell everyone to open their hearts and focus on what lies there, I’d tell my family and my friends that I love them dearly, and that I wish they’d have a happy life. I’d dance on the top of a hill, I’d watch the moon and the stars all night..I’d live the life I was always dreaming about…but then…if we know that at one point we will die, and we do not know when it will happens, what makes us sometimes be so far from the life we dreamt for ourselves? Is it the automatism of life? Life is not automatic..everything has its time..cycle…and even the routine things we may make colourful if we spice it up with some ritual, or smile…so then what is it? The struggle for the money, that provides us the chance of “staying alive” but work should be enjoyed…it should not deprive us from the joy of life…it should not burn us out…so then what? How come that our mind can put a veil on the evidence of death? I realized that when I hear that a relative of someone close to me died, it hits me..the finality of life, and then I try to treasure every day..but then it lasts 2 weeks, and I sank back to my original indifference… so here is a task to do..to let the air of finality (of this physical life here on Earth) - the breath of the magical Angel of Deathtouch us, and inspire us to live our daily lives at least a bit similar to how we would dream it….but with no forcing it, no pushing it, just loosely, happily, a bit carelessly…
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