I woke up in the morning, and everything was still so dark..I did not have the taste to get out of bed, today was my free day, so I kept on staying there, alone with my thoughts..I thought, how come it is snowing again, I was already waiting for the spring, some sunshine and the nature to awake, and frankly, it depressed me a bit that winter still lingers on..
Finally I managed to get out, but instead of doing the things I planned, I decided to go against the flow, and do nothing. I picked up my ordered books from the bookstore, and then found myself at a presentation, about spirituality/getting rid of the karma. I enjoyed it very much! Firstly there were mandalas all over, on the wall, and the harmony of colours, the nice warm atmosphere, the candle, the noise of the street behind the windows calmed me down. I learned about spirituality, paths, love, ego, good and bad, acceptance, and the foundations, which are needed when one is trying to find inner peace and wishing to have a pure heart.
After the presentation I visited a friend of mine, and we spent a wonderful supper together, had a nice talk and I came home. Now it's late, the bed is calling me, yet I felt the urge to write down what kind of thoughts where whirling in my head today.
You shall never blame someone else for the feelings a certain situation, or a connection with that person evokes in you. It is you, in whom the feeling arises, it is you who create it, who feel that way. For example in love, if your beloved one leaves you, no matter for what reason, if it is becuase his/her love has disappeared, or because he found another person with whom, he/she can have a more complete life. If he/she leaves you, it can make you sad or angry, but in fact, it is you who is in the position to decide how to take it, if your are sad, only you can change it, if it makes you angry, the feeling is born in you, and will affect you, not the other person. It can happen, that after your separation, the other one does not even know what goes on inside you, so it is stupid to blame him/her for something you created, and he does not even have the idea about it. As much as you feel sad, you could be happy, that he/she was directed to your path, that you could do great things together, and if you really loved him/her, you shall be happy that he/she is happy, even if it is on the side of another person, not you. Now I know it is not so easy, it takes time to understand and capture it, especially if it was a strong connection. So then take your time, but bear it in mind that the other one should not be blamed, for the fact that he/she thinks, feels and decides differently than how you expected.After all, who created your expectations? Did someone guarantee you that it will happen how you imagined? I think not, so if you created for yourself a belief, without solid foundation, it was your choice, and you need to watch the temples of your "religion" coming down, as they are swept away by a sudden storm. Everything is changing, and not always in favour of us, not always in the way that it would make our dreams come true. It does not mean that we need to give up our dreams, but we need to have a certain flexibility, and a kit full of different sized screwdrivers, if one size does not fit, we shall not sit there and lament "oh I was so sure it will work" we should stand up and make a little search in the kit, and try as long as we cannot find the right one.
And this takes us to the second lesson, which is to know, that in love, there is always a risk, and when you decide to go along with each other, you shall always be prepared that everything is changing constantly, and maybe these changes will lead to separation, that will bring you wounds and scars. However until it lasts, it gives you the possibility to experience the magic of love, which is the most basic of all universal laws, which holds the Earth in place.
In love, two halves meet. They create a whole, they find in the other one, which makes them complete, but then we should always bear in mind that if we remain halves, we are going to turn our love into a kind of adherence, where we will feel that we are only complete/happy when we are with our loved ones, and we quickly become dependent. But in true love, the other one is there to help you to become complete, and you help your beloved one to become complete too, so from the 2 halves there will be 2 whole, and 2 whole/circle put next to each other gives us the sign of infinity. (This I heard today during the presentation.) And if you are complete/whole you may realize the freedom in love, and if it has to happen that you separate, you may be able to let it go, and after a time, if you meet again, you shall be able to greet him/her with a smile on your face.
There are a multitude of alternatives. I am the kind of person who is used to planning. So with regards to future, I always plan several scenarios. I will do it like this, but if that happens, then I will do it like that. I was fooling myself that I am prepared for all cases, but universe has a good humour, and manages to put together such conditions, when I am just staring, out of my head, not having a clue of what to do. Therefore instead of planning, we shall look for inner stability, and we shall always be alert, as we can never know when the lightning strikes in, and turns everything upside down. If we are alert, and sure to hear what our heart has to say, we shall be able to react to the challenges what life brings us.
Decision making has always been a "monster" in my life. It is easy to make logical decisions. You take the pros and contras, and where there are more pros, in advantage of that you decide. But there are more complicated decisions too, involving future, and opinions of the brain and the heart. In such cases I used to try to collect some advices from friends, I tried to see which solution is favoured by more, but at the end, it is me who has to take responsibility for what I choose, I can't blame anyone else with regards to the consequences, if they turn out to be not so positive. Therefore I learned that only I can make a decision, it is me who needs to calm down the storm of feelings, the clash of rational and irrational in me. It is me, who needs to spend the nights without sleep, with heart pounding in my chest, and brain clicking in my head, because it is my life, I am the protagonist in this play, I have the authority to change things, to move the furniture of the stage from one corner to another, and with this freedom of choosing comes with the responsibility, and the willingness to put up with the consequences.
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