As the last blog shows, the previous night turned something in me..I would call it to be "the push" , you know how they always mention, that there was stillness when the universe was made, but once the God gave it a push, it started its perpetual motion. Well, this is is how I view the last night...not sure why, not sure how, maybe it is all due to only 30 minutes of sleep..but I shall explain it in a bit more detailed version below.
I set my alarm clock, to wake me up at 5 AM, (got to bed at 4:30 AM roughly)..I went to bed, closed my eyes, but then, in one second the squeeking sound of the clock drew me out of my alpha state..it was really hard to wake up, and none of my cells wished to move, but it was a must, and the day started.
In the office I listened to some music, that set my mood. Then my mood was uplifted with a delicious tuna salad, and some pasta (with bacon and mushrooms in it - yumm). Furthermore it was taken to the stars by a coffee, brought to me by my very good friend. Then there was stillness in the office, everyone tried to concentrate hard, and finally we managed to finish.
Today the weather was really gracious, after a loooong time, I could see the sun! So I decided that I must take a walk by the river, breath in a bit of fresh air, and let the sunrays caress my face. I walked down the bank of the river, stood on the very edge, and was overwhelmed with what I saw there. I was standing right next to the Lánchíd, and was mesmerized with what I saw there. Such powerful waves were clashing to the embankment, there was pure energy billowing, a multitude of vortexes, and such cumulated energy, waiting to be released, I was astonished. I stood there, looked down on the rocks, below the bridge that used to serves as seats for our picknicks on a hot summer night, when we would hide there with a glass of wine and some fine cheese and would enjoy the sight of the leisurely rocking ships, the pink sky, and eventually the shining stars...and now it was all kept as captives under the reign of the shapeless, fluid monster, the water. The people passing by pulled their coats tighter around their waist, the wind was so reckless, so raging, there was nothing to control it. I sat down on a red bench nearby, I myself also pulled my black coat tighter around me, took a piece of paper, and pen, and tried to put it into words what I saw and experienced. In the meantime, the sun was trying its best to melt my heart.
After a while I continued my journey along the river, stopped time to time, with closed eyes, turning towards the sun. Then eventually I caught a bus, traveled one stop, then walked again. Ended up in a nearby chinese restaurant, where I had a delicious supper, in the company of the owner lady, some big plants, and an aquarium.
And here is what I realized today. I took a walk and it was good, good for my soul and for my heart. I stared at the power of the river and it was good, it made me think, it made me bend before the strength of nature. I had a meal, not a takeaway, what I always do, just to save time..no, I sat down, took off my coat, and started to spend my supper. I paid attention to the the tastes, to the pasta, to the mushrooms, and I enjoyed it. I ... I had the feeling, that one can only be joyful, if this joy is not dependant on something...or someone..if this joy is coming from our inner self, because we enjoy it, and it warms our heart. That is a path to our inner balance and harmony, and if we take the time, to figure out what pleases us, and we do it, not hurriedly, but step by step, not wasting a moment of really giving ourself into it, then we will not be so vulnerable, our joy will be a steadier joy, a joy that will not only happen, when I meet a certain person, when I receive a certain prize, or position, when I manage to catch a certain bus, when I take part in a certain trip. It will come when we will do what we please to do, and we take the effort to pay attention to it, to its details, to what it gives us. I could have taken this chinese food with me home, I could have been eating it, sitting on my bed, while taking my socks off, turning on the computer and hurrying to finish it so I could go and take a shower. Nope, I sat down, and directed all my attention to my food, to its components, to its tastes, and voila! I enjoyed it. Focus...I need not to be too distracted all the time and doing 60 different things at the same time, I need to be able to concentrate on what I do at the moment, and what it gives me, how it affects me. And then slowly I shall get to know myself better, piece by piece, and hopefully at the end, instead of having a "temporary" unstable joy that is dependant on something, or someone, (but vanished right away when I loose the thing on which it was dependant on), instead of that I will manage to have joy, that I can share, it will be conjured at the right place, in the right moment,it will be coming from within..and as such, there will always be a chance to pull it out from the center of ourselve.. and to make things better, the characteristic of the joy is so, that it grows, when it is shared...so let's try to take a plunge and start to dive in..to the root of the vortex...
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