The girl with the dotty bag

Again...has been long ago since I wrote..this time I have no excuses...I was on the road to become an empty shell...for a while I gave up looking for joy, because I thought there is no joy to be found if my heart's little pieces are scattered all over on the floor...waiting to be swept and put into the trash....I felt like this is not going to work..I grew tired of looking for joy, I froze..I spent my days routine-like, and was not able to capture moments that might never come back..the strange thing is, I did not mind, I turned cold...cold to all the impulses of the world..every day I walked some, to contemplate nature, and while I was on the way it was all right...I set a goal, and so I was not walking aimlessly...but then I got home, and thoughts, doubts, fears flooded my heart again...I did not try to fight them any more, I welcomed them, as maybe these past days had this fate carved into them.

Yesterday I got close to complete exhaustion...out of the blue, while standing at the metro station, waiting for the subway I felt a sudden urge to throw up. It was so bad, I started to sweat and felt like I cannot breathe..then in the office I was immensely tired, had a headache, and could not eat.  The whole city was grey, and I guess there must have been something in the air, because I was to meet with 2 of my friends (not confirmed but there was the chance) and they both wrote me that they are just a bit too tired, and would like to postpone the meeting...so after all it might have been a secret potion put into the waterpipes of Budapest that made us all so exhausted and impotent.....To make sure that I'll be able to sleep I walked all the way to Ferenciek tere from work..I included a nice stroll along the Danube too, managed to see the last rays of the setting sun, then caught a bus and came home.  Took a waaaaarm shower, relaxed, watched a movie and jumped to bed.

After a long and relaxing sleep I woke up at around noon today.  I was again tempted by staying in bed the whole day, but I fought off this urge, as I had a mission to complete!  Yesterday on my way home, I spotted a cute "cat bag" in one of the second hand shops.  I liked it so much, that I thought, na! I will wake up at 9 tomorrow, and by 10, when they open, I will be waiting there by the door, and will make the bag mine! :) But...in the morning, I thought differently...you see, under the nice warm covers you may change your mind easily..I thought..well...if this bag was meant to be mine, I will have it, as it will wait for me..if not..I shall not be sad, as it was not meant to be for me.. So at around 2 I took off, and was rather excited to see whether I shall have the bag or not..I thought I agreed with myself that I will leave it up to fate to decide, yet from the subway station to the shop I was rather hurrying...as if those few minutes mattered...

I got close to the shop, aaaaaand the bag was there still :) So I got it...mmm....along with some rings, and another bag...a traveling one...a dotty one...I was thinking a lot whether to buy it or not..but then, the lady at the shop told me..if your really like something...you need to have it...or if you let it be here, you might come back again at another time, to see if we still have it, but it is possible that it will not be there any more..this taught me, that even in life, we need to get what our heart desires.  We shall not go, and hope,that if we return, we can have it still..as in case not, our disappointmet will be great, and with disappointment comes along the pack of regrets, which can feast on your heart, like hungry wolves, and leave bones only once they finished.  Driven by this wise comment I bought the bag..it was very useful too, as we could put everything what I bought into it.  Then with my new bag, which...in fact is also a symbol for new dreams I took off, and headed towards the river.

I decided to walk along the riverbank..it looked like the following..gently flowing green river...cloudy sky, sleepy, bored buildings, old Chain Bridge, rushy cars..traffic..kind of fog all over...and a girl...with a dotty, rather happy and springish bag walking on the riverbank...Someone, looking from behind the windows of the passing cars could have thought this girl is a tourist, she is checking the view...the guards in front of the Parliament could have thought "ahh..a girl from Uni..no work to do..maybe she came here to meet someone..otherwise why would anyone want to walk on such an ugly Monday afternoon?"  Noone of them were aware, that it resembled a journey to my depths...I needed to take this journey..to dig a bit deeper into myself and try to find out, where is the clog..why I am stuck in reverse...why I feel like I am on the way to become an empty shell...so I was walking, and it was so peculiar..the river was symbolizing God..and the universe..always flowing towards the sea, unstoppable, reliable, calm...soothing...then on the other side..cars and traffic...resembling the city I live in..with all its hussles and hurries, work and everything...and there I was..walking..not meeting a single soul...in a huge city like this, noone decided to walk along the river today...it did not discourage me..I went down to be very close to the water, felt the urge to go in, as there were some rocks, which had part of their surface above the water..wished to jump on them, to be surrounded by water...but I was aware that the water is cold, and it is not advisable to step into it, unless I want to get sick...then I saw a duck couple..male and female...joyfully swimming in the river...so cute they were! The first sign of life along my journey so far...I was happy to realize, that there is still hope...that there is beauty and life within all those layers of despair, sadness, selfishness and so on.  I looked at my happy bag, and all the sudden I felt like I had no idea where I am going...because I am not going to get somewhere, I am only going for the joy of being on the road...and I imagined distant cities, how on weekends, this year, me and my bag would visit them...this year, I would not pack many things, like I always do, I would pack light, only the very necessary things, that fit into my dotty bag.. I envisaged myself walking on the streets of yet unkown cities, towns, exploring them, putting their smells tastes and views into my heart..as I hoped, they would serve as a glue...a very strong glue, that could put the broken piecesof my heart together again.  This made me content and energetic, and I went on...finally I sat down on a bench..I looked at the sky and saw that though it had the shade of grey the whole day, this time there was a small patch of blue, it could not quite overcome the thick grey layers, but if someone looked carefully, one could realize it..and I thought to myself...so it must be with my soul...it is for the moment covered with dark and grey clouds, but if I look closely enough I shall see the patch of blue..though yet blurry..but it is there and makes me hope that there is a vast blue sky and sunshine behind those grey clouds...I just need to find the way how to make the sun strong enough to break through the fog...but then...maybe all it needs is time...after all...winter is always followed by the spring...